UEFL

From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)

Date: Fri, 21 Dec 1990 02:01:24 +0000

Central Division Newsletter
				Session C

LP				 W  L  D	GF GA	CP	TP	Cash
14 	Sordid Sages		 7  2  0	16  9	5	5	 926
10 EB 	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	 4  3  2	13  8	1	3	 380
9 	The New Lions		 4  4  1	17 14	3.5	3	 390
9 EB	Moonshine by Urn	 3  3  3	13 11	4.5	3	 226
9 EB	Safety in Numbers	 3  3  3	16 25	4.5	5	1104
7 EB	Amdahl United		 3  5  1	12 14	2.5	7	1221
7 EB	Cylinder Heads		 3  5  1	15 14	3	6	 390
7 EB	Hoary Marmots		 3  5  1	19 26 	3.5	4	 676

-----   Adjustments   -----

The New Lions submitted an illegal lineup for match 8.  It was corrected
in accordance with the appropriate rules, and tNL were fined $10K.
[EEFL note - I'm working on it, let me start small and build up to some
	*really* big fines.]

-----      Press      -----

Early in the match between Moonshine by Urn and the Hoary Marmots,
the referee pulled a muscle during a transition.  After a stoppage of play,
the game continued with the senior linesman taking over the referee's duties.
Unfortunately, both teams took advantage of the situation, and play
deteriorated.  Top Cat and Clash Flatulence were red-carded for fighting at
the 36 minute mark, and play settled down to some extent.  A missed penalty
kick at 65 minutes by the Marmots could have turned it into a rout, but
instead they settled for a 2-0 win.

"Stop the Gorilla and you stop the Marmots,"  Manager Gordon said
with a smile.  "Mr. Wickart is a bit modest," he continued.  "I admit
that franchises with which I am associated have about a 50% success
rate against franchises with which Mr. Wickart is associated.  However,
it seems that Mr. Wickart often manages to move his drunken sots, mad
scientists, or woe-begone robots to new heights when they face one of
my squads.  We look for a tough match against the sots--particularly as
the lads may be looking ahead to the visit to Stonehenge.  The Lions
may surprise us if we are not careful.  We will be trying something
different against the Sages.  [Ed note- yeah, they scored :-]  I'd advise
all who can attend a seance at which the match will be broadcast to do so.
It should be an entertaining match."

Moonshine Madness --
   Jessica Moat is suddenly watching the Peripheral Division with
greater interest: her younger sister, Andrea, has signed on with the
Gresley Rovers.
   "I started her out in the sport,  When we were kids, she got jealous
of me; nothing specific, just normal sibling rivalry.  She started to kick
me in the shins, every day, for no reason at all.  I got a ball for her to
kick instead.  We painted my face on it, and that's all it took.  Soon, we
were dribbling all over the street.  The boys teased us a lot, and said that
no girl could really play as well as a boy.  It's a matter of record that
nobody else from our neighborhood is playing as much as fourth-leauge.
   "One day, we got mad.  We were all growing up, and the boys who liked us
were trying to get attention.  Of course, they did it by insulting our play.
Finally, I got really pissed, and told them that I'd go to the movies with
the first one who could take the ball from me without fouling.  Andie said
'Me, too!' and the challenge was on.
   "That was when I was 14 and Andie was 12.  I had my first date when I was
17.  I think Andie is still a virgin."
   We asked about Jessica's current love life.  "Well, he scores more off
the field than on, but we're both happy, and I guess Mr. Wickart is at least
satisfied."  Could we get some comment from him?  The senior Moat declined
to give us his name, but did quote him as saying "'Tis not so deep as a Moat
nor wide as a church door, but 'tis enough."
   We think they're both lucky, and Mr. Wickart should count his blessings
while they last.

Detroit NewsPress:  Amdahl United is continuing its quest for a young
defender.  Must be skilled (10+) and young (0 or 1).  The money on the
table is great.

As a result of what was the worst session in Marmot history, the offensive
coach was replaced by co-captain Foghorn Leghorn (who will continue to remain
on the roster).  Leghorn had a private meeting with the team.  After the
meeting, Leghorn only made the cryptic quote, "that chicken hawk ain't
gonna get me."

In a related story, Acme, Inc. is considering removing MF Wiley E. Coyote
as their spokesman due to his recent sub-standard performance.  Coyote had
no comment.  His roommate, FW Road Runner only stated "Beep Beep!"

The Hoary Marmots today announced the signing of free-agent FW Fancy-Fancy.
New offensive coach Foghorn Leghorn stated that the Marmots were looking for
young FW talent and Fancy-Fancy was an ideal choice.
Now with a bloated FW roster, the Marmots seem to be poised for a comeback
(or some big trades).

Press from the Alter:

Archmage Fred, coach and manager of the Sages, announced today that no
punitive actions would be taken against the aging defense for the 11 shots
allowed on goal in the Tuxedo Park match in Session A. "Their greatly
improved effort - allowing no goals to be scored - saved a minor organ
or two," Fred said. Fred would not comment on which organs were saved by
the performance or whether those organs might be removed in the future.
"What happens in the lockerroom in team business," he said.

Fred was also pleased to announce the acquisition of three new players
from the Beirut Blast in the Unnamed Division. Sadat, Nidal, and Carter
will hopefully make themselves useful in the near future. When asked if
he was worried about the reputation of his new team and the supposed
severity of punishment for poor play, Sadat responded "Hey, at least
their are no bullets and missles flying from the stands like at my old
team." (The Blast recently lost a mascot to terrorist attack.) Fred
forsees that this is just the beginning of the rebuilding process begun
by new management.

At the press conferance, it was announced that the starting time of
the Session C match with Tuxedo Park had been moved to sundown to
accomodate several of the 666 fans who needed the extra time to return
from a Druidical Conference. Fred denied rumours that the new starting
time was so that the home team would have the greatest advantage (because
of the shadows) against the very strong Ridgeback club.

In other Session news, it was learned by this reporter that the Sages
were considering raising Galileo from the dead in order to sacrifice
him before the New Lions match. "Should be quite a spectacle," one
anonymous fan was heard pronouncing from beneath his cowled hood.

Thats all from this reporter. Back to you Arthur.

-----  Roster Moves   -----

Amdahl Unlimited signs Boot Posterior (DF) from the minor leagues.

----- Auction Results -----

Lot #1	SW/12/IV		1	MbU	103	Wondroos Kissenger
Lot #2	MF/7/I			4	TPR	352	Charlie Mingus
Lot #3	FW/6/I			5	HM	350	Fancy-Fancy
Lot #4	Scouting Report		0
Lot #5	Scouting Report		0

Bids on the Scouting Reports were received from 1 club, but they did not
specify a match to be scouted.  Due to the underwhelming interest in them,
there will only be 1 report offered for auction next session.

-----   Free Agents   -----

Lot #1: SW/10/0
Lot #2: DF/11/I
Lot #3: FW/1/0
Lot #4: Scouting Report

==============================================================================
				Match 7
==============================================================================
	Moonshine by Urn	  vs	Hoary Marmots
				0 - 2
				0 -10
Wall [inj;spr]						Cat (RC)
Flatulence (RC)						Tuxedo (bk)
							Gorilla (2)
==============================================================================
	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	  vs	The New Lions
				0 - 2
				1 - 4
Sartre (bk)						Mendoza [inj;spr]
							Herschell (1) (bk)
							Kepler (1)
==============================================================================
		Sordid Sages	  vs	Amdahl Unlimited
				3 - 1
				6 - 7
Tzu (1)							Britton (1)
John (bk)
Kayyam (2)
==============================================================================
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Cylinder Heads
				2 - 2
				6 - 4
Feranbauh (bk)						Mama (1)
Cyphers (1)						Shomway (1)
Bonar (1)
==============================================================================
				Match 8
==============================================================================
		The New Lions	  vs	Sordid Sages
				3 - 1
				5 - 7
Kafka (bk)						Kayyam (1)
Nietzche (1)
Kepler (bk)
Pauling (1)
Bohr (1)
Zambrano (bk)
==============================================================================
		Cylinder Heads	  vs	Amdahl Unlimited
				0 - 2
				0 - 3
Totec (bk)						Hindo (1)
							O.I. Gumby (1)
==============================================================================
		Hoary Marmots	  vs	Safety in Numbers
				1 - 2
				2 - 4
Bullwinkle (bk)						Harrah (bk)
Rabbit (1)						Kicker (1)
Runner (bk)						Nyveen (1)
==============================================================================
	Moonshine by Urn	  vs	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks
				2 - 0
				4 - 6
Mason (2)						Rezvani (bk)
==============================================================================
				Match 9
==============================================================================
	Amdahl Unlimited	  vs	Hoary Marmots
				1 - 2
				1 - 7
Friend (1)						Gorilla (1;bk)
							Gonzales (1)
==============================================================================
		Cylinder Heads	  vs	The New Lions
				3 - 0
				6 - 2
Snap (1)						Hesse (bk)
Primadona [inj;pull]					Zambrano [inj;lig]
Betcha (2)						Bohr (bk)
==============================================================================
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Moonshine by Urn
				2 - 2
				7 - 8
Kicker (2)						Cobbler (bk)
							Moat (1)
							T. Welch (1pen)
==============================================================================
	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	  vs	Sordid Sages
				1 - 2
				8 - 6
Grappelli (1)						Mephisto (bk)
							Bob (1)
							Mark (1)
==============================================================================
(bk) indicates booked (4 DP)
(RC) indicates sent off (10DP)
[Inj;???] indicates injury by type
(#) indicates # of goals scored

References

UEFL
jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)
Fri, 21 Dec 1990 02:00:12 +0000