UEFL

From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)

Date: Fri, 21 Dec 1990 02:00:52 +0000

UEFL Newsletter - Peripheral Division
				 Session C

LP	Name			W  L  T	     GF  GA	CP  TP	Cash
16 BOTH	Rigor M			8  1  0	     38	 11	5   3	640
12 EB 	Oxaxaca Tortugas	5  2  2	     18	 12	6.5 4	588
12 BOTH	Gaucho Goalmongers	5  2  2	     16	 10	4.5 3	414
9  EB	Wainscotting		4  4  1	     29	 18	3   3+1	174
9  	Gresley Rovers		4  4  1	     28	 23	1.5 6	 51
9  EB	Bathtub Stoppers	4  4  1	     20	 20	3.5 4	622
3  EB	Drunken Stupor		1  7  1	     12	 26	2   3	534
2  EB	Humble StarTrek Team	0  7  2       1	 42	0.5 8	762

Commissioner's notes:  Yeah, I lost HST's orders.  The little twerp even
kept the evidence :-).  So he still gets the EB bonus, since he did send
it in before the EB deadline.

-----	  News	    -----

GANDHI BOOKED!

Indira Gandhi, forward for Gresley Rovers, got booked last session for
fouling a Bathtub Stopper in match 6.  First cousin to the famous
Gandhi who delivered his impassioned plea for nonviolence last
session, Indira Gandhi (Hindi for "Gumby") refused to talk to the
press, stating only: "I've got my head stuck in the cupboard!"
Rovers' manager Trevor Green was out of the country and could not be
reached for comment.

Also in that match, which was being publicized as "Queen Mum Day",
Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother celebrated her 90th birthday in style
by scoring on a pair of headers to keep her in a three-way tie for
first in the race for Rovers' top scorer.  The three dented hats she
had been wearing for her goals are now proudly on display in the
Gresley Rovers Hall of Fame.  The Queen Mum, who got a late start in
football at age 85, has shocked everyone this season with her Royal
displays of prowess and stamina.

Meanwhile Rovers gear up for their match against Rigor M in Session C.
Rumours have been flying around the Moat that more than the normal
number of players have been seen around Central Park in Gresley,
which is where Rovers habitually train.  This allegation is flatly
denied by everyone on the Rovers payroll.

Construction continues apace on the new "all-seater" stands at Moat
Ground.  When completed, there will be one row of seats completely
circling the field, accomodating as many as 333 spectators, including
5 people in wheelchairs, 12 single mothers, 1 blind person and 114
Gumbies.  Plans are in the works to add a shopping mall and red-light
district.

Oxaxaca management were understandably pleased with three straight wins
following their drubbing at the hands of Rigor M, but are not
over-confident of anything at this point.  Practice emphasized not
looking past a Trekkie team that had scored but one goal thus far.  With
the Goalmongers and Wainscotting also on the dance card, this would be
tough to do.  Manager Ferguson seemed to imply that he would try to use
Wainscotting's own tactic from the first session back at them, but would
not say for sure how he would contain X.T. and Y.A. Gumby.

[Tom T. Nose, Bud Bowl, Milwaukee]
     When this reporter got in to see Coach Eacker, he was fuming.
"How in the world can all those other teams know what the h*ll we
are going to be using as tactics? ... There must be a spy someplace!
..."  Once he calmed down, Eacker finally explained that the lack
of a win was having a disturbing effect on his coaching ability.  He
then went on to say that he must be doing something wrong with
his game calling and asked me not to print the full text of his
tirade.
     The rest of the coaching crew was mainly trying to stay out of
Coach Eacker's way.  Also suggesting that he bring a promising new MF
up from the farm team.  This was greated by a gruff "Do It!", so
starting next session the team will be joined by Guiness Stout,
an up and coming midfielder.

* News from the tub *
   Finally, a successful attempt against the strong boys of the division
with victories over Rigor M and the Gresley Rovers. Although outshot completely
in both matches the solidness of our GKs kept us in the games and allowed the
fast flowing attack to summon up some winning goals. Only a close defeat at the
hands of the Oxacaca Tortugas robbing us of a deserved MVP award.
   Off the field new signing Gordon Flash has been cleaning up the changing
rooms and generally giving the club a much more sparkling appearance. One can
only hope that he reciprocates on the field of play.

Rigor M continues it's marauding style. They lost a game to BS despite
having outshot them by 5-2. Still Manager Sjostrom belive Rigor M is in for a
new-three-wins-in-a-row-session.

Apprentice Anna Svensson played well in her first game. She scored once
but top forward Lexell was responsible for the chance. Anna said after the game
"I think I'll play better in a couple of weeks. I ran my car into the ditch
last week, so I'll have to bike to the games. My endurance can't keep it up."

Rumors are Fedel is leaving the club to join a rival team. It is
believed Fedel and Manager Sjostrom isn't too happy with each other. Sjostrom
didn't want to comment on that, but Fedel said "Don't listen to rumors too
much. If I leave I'll be glad to play against my present team mates. They
are great.".

After a total of 21 shots were fired in the Wainscotting-Gresley
Rovers match in session B, Wainscotting manager Steve Buffum decided to
enlist outside help in revamping his team's somewhat suspect defense.  He
talked this week with Coach Paul Westhead of the Denver Nuggets in an effort
to bolster his club's shot-preventing ability.  "I haven't seen the Nuggets
play this year," Buffum said, "but coach W assures me that his defense is
something really special and unique."
	Several roster moves clouded the Wainscotting air, which wasn't noticed
at first due to a fire at the local prophylactic recycling plant.  Gummi Baird,
a defender from the Central Division, joined the squad for session C, and
Fedel, the experienced goaltender from Rigor M, was a late arrival in match 9.
Fans in Wainscotting got their last look at R.N. Gumby, the promising mid-
fielder, in match 7, and also wished a fond farewell to O.I. Gumby.  They would
have wished a fond farewell to P.N. Gumby, also, had they recognized him, but
since he's seen no action, fans assumed that the club had hired a new waterboy.
Baird was quoted in practice to say that he wondered how Wainscotting had
managed any throw-ins, as the Gumbies have great difficulty lifting their arms
over their heads, but X.T. Gumby pointed out that with Baird's arms, which are
shorter than his ears, Gummi has no room to talk. Fedel simply said,
"Herre Gud!" (Good God!)
	In an expected move, S.J. Gumby was sold to the Unnamed Division to
the Grand Slam.  S.J. will be sorely missed in Wainscotting, as he takes his
stunning brick collection with him.  Team officials expressed sorrow at this
development, as team singalongs will never be the same.

A scheduling quirk has the Goalmongers facing a tough test in
session C.  They will have to play the teams directly above and below
them in the standings as well as a team with which they are currently
tied.  "These are three well-coached, talented teams," said the
Goalmongers head coach Rocko Davis, refering to Wainscotting, the
Tortugas, and the Bathtub Stoppers, "but we think we can play with
them.  We'll just go out and give it our best shot."

Taken from <Starfleet News Today>

-"After a promising start, the HST was very hard brought back to the
ground. Three terrible defeats in a row hit the team around Manager
Dr. Music. But, after signing some young players, he's again very opti-
mistic. 'We will go boldy where no football team has gone before' was
one of the quotes, he said at the local press conference."

Q: You have now played the first six games of the PD-Season.
   What do you think about your own performance.

A: ...grown, roar, arrr, arf.....

Q: Thank you. And your performance as a team?

A: Well, growl, growl, roar....

Q: You haven't scored in the first six games. What will you change in
   your play in the next games?

A: @!$$%&)/(%/$&" howl, howl.....

Q: Ah! Some of your te would be a nice idea
   to sell you to another team to decrease... NO! WAIT! NO! DON'T DO
   THIS AAAARGHH!

A: ROOOOOAAARRR!

We had to finish the interview at this point after Worf ate our reporter.

Quote from Captain Picard after he was informed about the fine:
"I always knew, that this little bugger will bring us in trouble"

-----  Roster Moves -----

Drunken Stupor signs Guiness Stout (MF) from the minor leagues.

Rigor M cuts Mikael Lindblom (MF), Berneli (SW), and Mattais Persson (DF)

----- Auction Results -----

1)	MF/10/0			5	GR	581	Anne Boleyn
2)	DF/7/I			4	W	351	T.K. Gumby
3)	MF/1/0			1	W	 37	J.B. Gumby
4)	Scouting Report #1	1	GR	 67
5)	Scouting Report #2	1	GR	 67

----- Free Agents -----

Lot 1: MF/FW	III	7
Lot 2: DF	I	11
Lot 3: GK	0	4
Lot 4: Scouting Report #1
Lot 5: Scouting Report #2

==============================================================================
				Match 7
==============================================================================
		Wainscotting	  vs	Gaucho Goalmongers
				0 - 3
				0 - 5
Junes (bk)						X.T. Gumby (bk)
Hack (bk)
Sanchez (1)
Footloose (bk)
Sargento (2)
==============================================================================
		Drunken Stupor	  vs	Bathtub Stoppers
				2 - 4
				4 - 5
B. Lite (2)						Mis (1)
City (bk)						Kapagol (2)
							Emover (1)
							Playor (bk)
==============================================================================
		Rigor M		  vs	Gresley Rovers
				7 - 6
				12-14
Jonsson (2)						Godiva (bk)
Eidem (1)						Bonaparte (bk)
Virtala (2)						Beatrix (2)
Randers (1)						Grey (2;bk)
Berlind (1)						Welch (1)
							Gandhi (1)
==============================================================================
	Oxaxaca Tortugas	  vs	Humble Startrek Team
				6 - 0
				8 - 0
S (1)
Jota (1)
Effe (1)
Hay (1)
Aiy (2)
============================================================================
				Match 8
==============================================================================
		Wainscotting	  vs	Rigor M
				0 - 4
				0 - 7
							Malkan (1)
							Lexell (1)
							Lampa (2;bk)
==============================================================================
	Gaucho Goalmongers	  vs	Oxaxaca Tortugas
				0 - 0
				1 - 4
Sargento (bk)
==============================================================================
		Gresley Rovers	  vs	Drunken Stupor
				0 - 4
				0 - 6
							M. Lite (bk)
							Tonic (1)
							Great (1)
							Thai (2)
==============================================================================
	Humble Startrek Team	  vs	Bathtub Stoppers
				0 - 7
				1 -10
							L'Smokes (bk)
							Dabrain (1)
							Emover (2)
							Pele (3)
							Shin (1)
==============================================================================
				Match 9
==============================================================================
	Bathtub Stoppers	  vs	Gaucho Goalmongers
				1 - 3
				2 - 5
Playor (1)						Sanchez (1)
							Vanilli (2;bk)
==============================================================================
	Oxaxaca Tortugas	  vs	Wainscotting
				0 - 2
				0 - 2
Hay [inj;pull]						S.D. Gumby (bk)
							I.P. Gumby (1)
							L.M. Gumby (1)
==============================================================================
		Rigor M		  vs	Drunken Stupor
				2 - 0
				2 - 0
Borin (1)
==============================================================================
	Humble Startrek Team	  vs	Gresley Rovers
				0 - 6
				0 - 6
							Kelly (bk)
							Beatrix (1)
							Scots (2)
							Qn Mother (1)
							Elizabeth II (1)
							Arc (1)
							English (bk)

==============================================================================
(bk) indicates booked (4 DP)
(RC) indicates sent off (10DP)
[Inj;???] indicates injury by type
(#) indicates # of goals scored

References

UEFL
jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)
Fri, 21 Dec 1990 02:00:12 +0000