UEFL

From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)

Date: Sat, 09 Mar 1991 23:46:48 +0000

Central Division Newsletter
				Session G

LP				 W  L  D	GF GA	CP	TP	Cash
30	Sordid Sages		14  5  2	38 21	3.5	3	 697
26 BOTH	Moonshine by Urn	10  5  6	39 23	9	4	 620
24 EB 	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	10  7  4	54 28	3.5	5	 432
20 EB	Amdahl United		 8  9  4	42 45	3.5	3	 147
19	Safety in Numbers	 8 10  3	39 57	2	3	 622
18	The New Lions		 7 10  4	32 42	3	3	 758
16 EB	Cylinder Heads		 7 12  2	41 49	2	4	1014
15	Hoary Marmots		 6 12  3	33 54 	1.5	4	 390

MORE CONTROVERSY STRIKES PERIPHERAL

After weeks of work, a special investigator has confirmed that
unusual circumstances affected the outcome of the Wainscotting / Bathtub
Stoppers match in session D.  The commissioner's office is investigating
it's options.

-----      Press      -----

Amdahl United expressed sorrow at the trading away of star young
sweeper, Notinda Gole, to league rival Moonshine by Urn.  The public has
expressed outrage at the trading of young players, especially of Gole's
stature, for aged talent.  However inside sources report that Amdahl was
not completely satisfied with Gole despite his remarkable number of
blocked shots.  AUNN News secretly recorded a conversation between Gole
and General Manager Cache Pinsher.

"Gole, the coaching staff has informed me that you keep falling
for that Offside trap despite their best efforts.  If you can't listen
to the staff, we may have to bench you."
	"Hah!  You can't bench me, I've got a contract.  Not only that
but you're going to have to pay up on those bonuses within three games
after I block 10 more goals!"
	"Take a hint Gole, if I give the word, you'll play nothing but
forward every game until you drop.  Gee, and I'd hate to see such talent
INJURED!!!"
	"You can't afford to let me go, the fans here love me."
	"The fans here love winning, and they realize that we need some
offense, now let's see, you blocked three goals against MbU and probably
cost them the game didn't you?"
	"It was my finest moment!  And I let them know about how I felt
about those women!"
	"Well pack your bags, the "Prune" wants you.  He's got some
original ideas on how to enforce the discipline you seem to be lacking
here... something about aversion therapy???  Oh, here is Hindo and Gumby
to help you.  Do keep in touch."
	"You'll regret this, you've not seen the last of Notinda Gole,
I'll get you for this.  Nooooo, not to MbU!"

Moonshine Madness --

Hier sind die Muenchen mannschaft, spielen weider am Stonehenge mit keine
mann machen tore.  Die lezste punkt hier am Herr Doktor Fred's spieleplatz, wir
habe unser tochus verloren.  Fuer richtig, die Hexenmeisters will etwas revenge
machen fuer der verloren nach das "Punch Bowl" bis zwei sessions.
   Herr Vibbentrop ist wie zu hause mit unser mannschaft.  Er spreche Deutsche
wie er war in Deutschland geboren.  Aber, etwas worter hat ihr sehr verrecht.
Wissen Mann was ist, "Mein hooverkraft is voll mit Aalen" ?
   Glucklich Magen.

Manager Yazoo was flooded with phone calls threatening his life after
last weeks blowouts. (And yes, I considered 0-0 with SS a blowout. :) ) Yazoo
denied claims of 'running up the score.' "After all," Yazoo claimed, smoking
a celebratory cigar in his office, "The 'Heads did shut us out 5-0 last time
we played them; I'm not going to roll over and play dead just because they're
not the Sages."
	Mohammed Rezvani has reportedly been moonlighting as a bodyguard for
Yazoo.
	E. Otto was given a special bonus for shooting 5 goals against the heads
. He was playing out of position at the time.
	Of course the cloud for this silver lining was the injury of Mr. Ned,
TPR's newist star goalie. Yazoo flatly denied rumors that he didn't want Ned
with TPR anymore, although he was reported as saying "When a horse breaks a
leg, you shoot it. Ned just won't be the same anymore." Ned is reportedly
seeking employment elsewhere.

A statement from the Marmots front office declared this season as a failure.
It is rumored that at least half of the team will be cut or traded away in the
off-season.  The players have lost their motivation and gate receipts are
at an all-time low.

On a positive note, however, the Marmots did play to a mostly empty stadium
against the Sages and did get them to draw 1-1.  TV coverage of the game was
pre-empted by a "Gilligan's Island" Marathon.

Press from the Alter:
	Coach Fred the Archmage of the Sordid Sages expressed some
regret about having a rather frank discussion with the new Ridgeback
coach on the varying benefits of various strategies and how to make
the most effective use of them.  "It's not that I think that I think
that he would not have figured it all out on his own, but it was silly
of me to do it right before our match with him," said Fred. (TPR
succeeded in tying the Sages at Stonehenge.)
	Also concerning the Ridgebacks, Coach and Manager Archmage
Fred stated that there are only 666 seats in Stonehenge and as there
are exactly 666 Sage fans (a number that is STRICTLY controlled by
occaisional weeding at weekend parties where any excess is sacrificed)
he feels that the Sages have every right to not provide seating for
the "rabid" Ridgeback fans who follow their team. "No one gets any
seating for their fans when they visit Stonehenge so at least we are
being consistent in our exclusion. Plus we feel that we could get
into some trouble with the fact that some visitors might get offended
by some of our half-time shows...," Fred added.
	Team Librarian Merlin announced the acquisition of a few new
works. The  works included quite a few scrolls rescued from the burning
Library at Alexandria and it was explained that DF Magog who has been
missing in recent matches has transfered from to a different position
in the club, one of text-acquisition under the Librarian Merlin, and
had spent much of his recent time (so to speak) in the geologically
recent past recovering said works. "The scrolls are a one of a kind
acquisition, but then again so are most of our holdings." Also
acquired was the newest Calvin and Hobbes book. "I'm a great fan of
Wattersons," said Magog who hopes to expand the comic section of the
library. Also acquired were recent novels by Orson Scott Card and
Jane Yolen.
	Lastly in this update on the Sages, this reporter has been
leaked information by a certain team captain that the sacrifice
before the Moonshine by Urn match is to be Spuds MacKenzie. Thats all
for this week and may YOUR blood flow freely.

----- Auction Results -----

Bidders Winner	High Bid	Name
Lot #1:GK/I/12		4	TPR	534		Hanz Lite
Lot #2:DF/0/1		1	TPR	 27		Chellogs Neigntien

----- Free Agents  -----

Lot #1: FW/I/8
Lot #2: GK/0/3

Session H:	Early Bird Deadline Friday, March 15th
		Final Deadline Wednesday, March 20th

match 22:	MbU @ TPR	tNL @ SS 	HM  @ SiN	CH  @ AU
   match 23:	SS  @ TPR	SiN @ MbU	CH  @ tNL	AU  @ HM
   match 24:	TPR @ SiN	SS  @ CH 	AU  @ MbU	tNL @ HM

==============================================================================
				Match 19
==============================================================================
		Hoary Marmots	  vs	Cylinder Heads
				3 - 2
				4 - 3
Ball (1)						Shomway (2)
Tuxedo (2)						Mama (bk)
Runner (bk)						Totec (bk)
==============================================================================
		The New Lions	  vs	Safety in Numbers
				0 - 2
				0 - 3
							Cyphers (1)
							Lancaster (1)
==============================================================================
	Moonshine by Urn	  vs	Sordid Sages
				1 - 0
				4 - 2
Kissinger (bk)						Abaddon (bk)
Thurman (1)						Mark (bk)
==============================================================================
	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	  vs	Amdahl United
				1 - 4
				7 - 4
Lyons [inj;spr]						Bateman (2)
Betts (1)						Britton (1)
							Grate (1)
==============================================================================
				Match 20
==============================================================================
		Amdahl United	  vs	The New Lions
				3 - 3
				8 -11
Friend (1)						Herschell (1pen;bk)
Otaka (1)						Fermi (2;bk)
Sterner (1)
Grey (bk)
==============================================================================
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Sordid Sages
				0 - 2
				0 - 6
							Jim (bk)
							Mark (1)
							Luke (1)
==============================================================================
		Hoary Marmots	  vs	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks
				1 - 2
				2 - 6
Dibble [inj;spr]					Battista (2)
Fudd (1;bk)
Fancy (bk)
==============================================================================
		Cylinder Heads	  vs	Moonshine by Urn
				1 - 2
				5 -11
M. Luking (1)						Flatulence (1)
							Stryker (1)
							Fahdmutha (bk)
==============================================================================
				Match 21
==============================================================================
		Hoary Marmots	  vs	Moonshine by Urn
				0 - 4
				4 - 6
Ball (bk)						Ben-Gurion (bk)
							Stryker (1)
							Center (3)
==============================================================================
	Safety in Numbers	  vs	Cylinder Heads
				0 - 4
				4 - 7
							J. Blazel (bk)
							Hanson (2)
							Snap (2)
==============================================================================
	Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks	  vs	The New Lions
				2 - 5
				8 - 8
Betts (1)						Mendoza (bk)
Mingus (1)						Li (bk)
							Fermi (1)
							Pauling (2)
							Zambrano (2)
==============================================================================
		Sordid Sages	  vs	Amdahl United
				1 - 0
				5 - 5
Jim (bk)
Bailey (RC)
Luke (1)
Kayyam (bk)
Kali (bk)
==============================================================================
(bk) indicates booked (4 DP)
(RC) indicates sent off (10DP)
[Inj;???] indicates injury by type
(#) indicates # of goals scored

References

UEFL
jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones)
Sat, 09 Mar 1991 23:45:50 +0000