Diplomacy Zine --- The Lost Chapter

From: tedward@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Ted Fischer)

Date: Sun, 21 Jan 1990 17:48:27 +0000

Chapter Two of ELECTRONIC PROTOCOL:

This chapter contains results from DRAGONSLAYER, BISMARCK, COLD WAR,
and gunboat games JACKAL, VERSAILLES, and MANHATTAN.

Issue #131
===============================================================================
Results in this issue: Manhattan Su01 F01 Au01
===============================================================================

MANHATTAN: Summer 1901
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no retreats

PRESS:
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SULTAN DENIES HOSTILE INTENT
FRENCH FEEL FRIENDLY TO NEIGHBORS
3rd LIGHT EKITHUMPERS WANDERING AIMLESSLY
LABC LAUGHS AT PEACE TALKS
CLEANING LADY CAPTURES LETTER
FISHING FLEET FINDS NORWAY
GERMAN LEADER APOLOGIZES FOR IMPATIENCE
CZAR THREATENS SULTAN, WELCOMES PRIME MINISTER
CZAR SUSPECTS GERMAN DIPLOMATS
CZAR LIKES BBQ
ELVIS SPOTTED IN GREECE
POPE VOWS TO JOIN IN SEARCH FOR ELVIS
POPE RECEIVES MYSTERIOUS DEATH THREAT
RUSSIAN DENOUNCES ITALIAN STRATEGY
FRANCE CLOSES DOWN ALL ENGLISH RESTAURANTS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sultan Ahmed the Peaceful --- "We will order our fleet in the Black
Sea to hold next fall.  We want to continue our cooperation with
Russia and Italy against democracy in Austria-Hungary."
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Paris (AP) --- Diplomats at the French Foreign Ministry were said to
be "very optimistic" about the nation's future following the
successful conclusion of a Treaty with Germany.  Joint exercises by
army units of both countries in Burgundy were "flawless" and "provided
the best possible result".  French army units are expected to get
support of German naval units in Belgium, on the chance that the
Channel weather is too stormy for the French to embark for
Southampton.  "The troops are ready to go to England", stated Marshall
Arrott, "But we may head for Brussels".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cleethorpes (BBC) --- A very disgruntled 3rd Light Ekithumpers had to
make do with the mud of Humberside when it was discovered that the
kitty did not hold enough funds for an excursion to St Andrews. Now it
appears that the French Restaurant Armada is preparing to dump vast
quantities of snails, frogs legs, and garlic in the already
far-too-polluted English Channel. This could well necessitate a trip
down to Bognor Regis for our boys-in-black, though whether the
authorities can persuade them to go is another matter all together.
(Soleil)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere in the North Sea (AP) --- The Rear Admiral of the London
Armoured Barge Company has viewed with great skeptisism the announced
Franco-German treaty, considering the fact that they are currently
trying to invade each other. "Its the usual continental mess.",
commented the Rear Admiral, "I'm sure they won't be able to agree over
the low-lands. Personally I think that the Germans should have the lot
and would be very prepared to help." (Soleil)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Downstairs cleaning room, House of Commons (AP) --- With the continued
diplomatic wrangles between Britain and Italy our inside source, Mrs
Mopp, managed to obtain a copy of an official communique to the
Vatican. Although it regarded current events as "highly irregular" it
welcomed any help with its de-victualisation of France, and proposed
to send the Minister of Fast Food to Rome for high level negotiations
and snacks. (Soleil)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just outside Sognefjorden (AP) --- As the Scapa Flow Fishing Fleet
prepared to sail up the creek it also looked forward to the imminent
arrival of its counterpart from Russia. The Skipper-in-Chief is eager
to explore to possibilities of a Joint Fisheries Expedition in the
coming seasons and sent a barrel of herring and a case of scotch to
his counterpart as a token of goodwill. (Soleil)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (AP) -- During an interview with this reporter the Kaiser said,
"Yes.  It's true.  I'm very embarrassed.  After sending a delegation
to France to propose an alliance against England, when no response
came back I got very angry and ordered the Munich army to march into
Burgundy.  Of course it's now clear that the delay in communications
was completely normal and predictable, and that I made a tragic
mistake.  The actual military manuevers undertaken by France were
exactly those that I would have wanted under an alliance.  To help
compensate for my error (and impatience) I have taken the unusual step
of offering France the support of my fleet in Holland for both this
Fall and next Spring.  This Fall my fleet has been ordered to SUPPORT
France's army from Picardy into Belgium, thereby freeing the fleet
currently in the English Channel for other action.  Next Spring the
fleet will be under orders directly from the French military
commander.  I only pray that my error can be forgiven and that our
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow: To The Sultan => Well, now you've done it.  I've been trying
my darndest to get us working together.  It still appears to be in our
mutual best interest; with Italy about to capture one of the Austrian
supply centers, King Wilhelm would not make a very powerful ally for
either of us (aside from the fact that he hates Turks).  But it looks
like your movement into the Black Sea forces us to either (1) go to
war against each other or (2) form an alliance on a delayed basis.  To
point (1) -- word is already spreading -- many in the Ukranian army
are calling for a jihad to the Holy Land.  To point (2) -- you've
effectively tied my hands -- the Ukranian army must now go to
Sevastopol and the army in Galicia must support the Rumanian fleet --
even though I expect that you've already sent a messenger with
conciliatory words, I must take a defensive position until you've
DEMONSTRATED your cooperative intent.  There's only one set of
military orders that can do that -- moving your Constantinople army to
Ankara and your fleet to Constantinople.  The only solace we can take
is that the alliance on the far side of Europe has also encountered a
setback.  (By the way, if your Bulgarian army moves to Greece and
Bulgaria should ever fall, I would help you recover it.)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow: To The Prime Minister of England => Hail!  As I look at a map
of the world, with a French fleet sitting in the English Channel and
threatening the noble homeland of Sir William Shakespeare (not to
mention the Globe Theatre, for which I bear a deep fondness), a
question cometh to mind.  Hast thou need of a friend??  We shall soon
have fleets facing each other in Norway and Sweden.  Mayhaps my fleet
in Sweden can shield your holding in Norway, thereby allowing your
Norwegian fleet to help protect the British Isles?  It could be so.
All thou need do is find a suitable enticement. (Alas, I need not the
Crown Jewels; strategic enhancement is my only goal.)  If thou find
this option appealing let there be neither delay nor ambiguity in your
response -- my military construction schedule this winter will be
influenced by your words.  Note thou too that I offer not a
wide-ranging alliance -- for a non-aggression pact with Germany is
also my desire.
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Moscow: To Germany => A delegation of gentlemen speaking German has
arrived here in Moscow offering a non-aggression pact between our two
nations, with a demilitarized zone encompassing Silesia, Prussia, and
the Baltic Sea.  I find that quite appealing and would like to accept.
The trouble is that I can't verify their credentials.  So please
accept this as a formal proposal from Russia and send verification
direct from Berlin if you agree.  They also seemed interested in a
division of Scandinavia, but were too drunk to be coherent by that
time.  In any event it looks like Sweden will belong to Russia and
Norway to England.  The outcome for Denmark seems less clear.
Regrettably, I must refrain from interference in a German-British
battle over Denmark's future.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow: To Pope Joe Bob of Italy => Congratulations on your ascent to
the leadership of Italy, and moreso on your bold initiatives this
Spring.  I had hoped to coordinate Fall manuevers with you, but (as
I'm sure you have noticed!) now find that I must attend to the defense
of my southern border.  Perhaps we can work together next year.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Athens (Reuters) -- Backed up by a series of shocking photographs,
three Greek fishermen claim that a man who recently washed up on the
shores of Greece was, in fact, the King of Rock 'n Roll himself -
Elvis Presley! The man was described by the fishermen as "incredibly
overweight with these incredibly tacky--what do you call them?--ah,
sideburns," wearing only tattered white rags studded with rhinestones.
The man's first words to the bewildered fishermen were "Well, uh,
y'all wouldn't happen to have any alcohol would you? I got one hell of
a headache." When the fishermen explained they had no alcohol, the man
apparently wandered off after thanking the fishermen, saying "thank
you very much, it's been a great honor to be here." A local manhunt
has been organized to find the King, who has since disappeared without
a trace.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vatican City (UPI) -- Galvanized by the reported sighting of Elvis
along the coast of Greece, Pope Joe Bob I ordered the Ionian fleet to
join in the search for the King. The Pope praised Elvis as "almost a
saint" and claimed that, if found, he would invite him to a personal
dinner in the Vatican.  When it was pointed out that the intrusion of
the Italian fleet into Greece might be seen as a belligerant move, the
Pope scoffed. "Hell, I know it don't look too good," he said
seriously, "but I think both Austria and Turkey know that you just
can't fool around when it comes to Elvis."

The Pope also noted that, were the Ionian fleet to actually arrive in
Greece unopposed, the operation would be put under the direct command
of his brother, General Billy "Temper Tantrum" Bob of Sicily. General
Billy is currently in charge of the Italian armies occupying Venice
and Tyrolia, both of which would be retreated into Italy were he to
leave. In an offical statement today the General said that he would be
honored to look for the King, adding that he would be "sorely
disappointed, not to mention a little pissed off" if he was not able
to go to Greece. "However, I don't think we'll encounter any
problems," he added, "since I'm sure the Austrian armies will be glad
to give us any support we'll need to get there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geneva (Reuters) --- In a routine diplomatic mix-up yesterday, the mail
intended for the Italian embassy accidentally ended up in the hands of
the American ambassador, revealing a death threat against the life of
Pope "Joe Bob" I. The note, which was addressed to "that stinking
Pope", said that if the Pope didn't end his agression in the
Mediterranean he would be dead by next fall. "Too long have we put up
with the stinking Italian tugboats in our ancestral waters--they must
now retreat out of the sea or die." the note ended, signed only with
"Your Mediterranean Neighbor, X". As of yet, the Italians have made no
comments.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (UPI) --- The Russian ambassador today announced that Italian
advances into Austria were "deplorable", and "the act of a madman".
The ambassador gave a swift "no comment" when asked about RUSSIAN
advances into Austria.  Later, whem commenting on the Turkish naval
presence in the Black Sea, the ambassador called Austria "Russia's
friend", and called on the Italians to cease their attack on Austria
and Germany while there were still "Turks on the Planet".
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (AP) --- A new twist has developed in the evolving drama that
began with an English suggestion that Italy introduce country cooking
to France.  As a counter-measure the French government has ordered all
English restaurants to be closed immediately.  (Fortunately there are
only three such restaurants known to exist in the entire country.)
There are also high-level discussions about whether to outlaw the
nouveau-Italian cuisine (i.e., barbeque) that has appeared in
Marseilles.  Upon hearing of these developments the Prime Minister of
England was heard to exclaim "ho, ho.  At least now we'll see if Pope
Joe Bob is a man of his word."
===============================================================================

MANHATTAN: Fall 1901
---England----------------------------------Germany----------------------------
A Yor - LON				|A KIE - Den		BOUNCE (Nth)
F Nws - NWY				|A Mun - BUR
F NTS - Den		BOUNCE (Kie)	|F HOL - Bel		BOUNCE (Pic)
---France-------------------------------|---Austria----------------------------
A Mar - SPA				|A SER S (F Alb - Tri)
A PIC - Bel		BOUNCE (Hol)	|A Tri - VIE
F Ech - WAL				|F Alb - TRI
---Italy--------------------------------|---Turkey-----------------------------
A Tyr - BOH				|A BUL H
A Ven - TYR				|A CON S (A Bul H)
F Ion - TUN				|F Bla - ANK
---Russia-------------------------------|-------------------------------------
A Gal - BUD				|
A Ukr - GAL				|
F RUM H					|
F GoB - SWE                       	|
-----------------------------------------

POSITIONS
Austria: 3	A Ser Vie		F Tri
England: 3      A Lon			F Nwy Nts
France:  3      A Spa Pic		F Wal
Germany: 3	A Kie Bur		F Hol
Italy:   3	A Boh Tyr		F Tun
Russia:  4	A Bud Gal		F Rum Swe
Turkey:  3      A Bul Con		F Ank

SUPPLY CENTERS:(New in caps, old in parens)
Austria: 3	Vie, (Bud), Tri, SER
England: 4      Lvp, Edi, Lon, NWY
France:  4	Mar, Par, Bre, SPA
Germany: 4	Ber, Mun, Kie, HOL
Italy:   4	Ven, Rom, Nap, TUN
Russia:  7	War, Mos, Sev, StP, BUD, RUM, SWE
Turkey:  4      Con, Smy, Ank, BUL
Unowned: 4	Bel, Por, Gre, Den

BUILDS:
England: 1
France:  1
Germany: 1
Italy:   1
Russia:  3
Turkey:  1

PRESS:
ITALY REVEALED AS FUNDING FRENCH BARBEQUE RESISTANCE
POPE DENIES HOSTILITY TOWARDS TURKEY AND RUSSIA
ITALIAN GENERAL BILLY BOB SIEZES CONTROL OF ARMIES
ELVIS ELUDES SEARCH OFF GREEK COAST, FINDS ASYLUM IN TRIESTE
ELVIS SIGHTING IN ERROR: ITALIAN POPE EMBARRASED
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (UPI) --- The British Cabinet met in emergency session today
over the recent incursions on British fishing waters in the Channel.
The Prime Minister was later heard to urge that Germany and Italy "aid
in destroying the scourge of the earth, the Frogs!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We have found out that it was not us that ordered our fleet to move to
the Black Sea. The order came from an Austrian spy who pretended to be
us and unfortunately the fleet commander believed him. Both the
commander and the spy have been strangled and their bodies have been
fed to the dogs. Unfortunately we can't move our fleet to
Constantinople because we need the army there to support Bulgaria, but
as the Czar can see we have ordered our fleet back to Ankara.  We will
build a fleet in Smyrna. --- Sultan Ahmed the Peaceful
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (AP) --- The Kaiser applauded the possibility of a campaign
against the Turks; seeing as how they aren't Europeans anyway, they
have no business being in Europe.

The Kaiser also suggested that Germany and Italy exchange culinary
delegations.  He indicated great interest in the dishes introduced by
His Holiness Joe Bob I, and offered to send his favorite German foods,
frankfurters and hamburgers.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3rd Light Ekithumpers go beach cleaning at Bognor Regis       [A (Yor) -> Lon]
Scapa Flow Fishing Fleet sails up the creek at Sognefjorden   [F (NWG) -> Nor]
London Armoured Barge Company defends Denmark                 [F (NTH) -> Den]
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Somewhere in the North Sea (Soleil) --- After receiving a garbled SOS
message from Copenhagen, giving reports of a planned invasion by the
German Sausage Brigade, the London Armoured Barge Company is to lead a
rescue mission that will hopefully leave the Government of Denmark in
charge of the country. "We have no desire to mount a military
occupation but believe that German expansionism in the area is a
serious threat to the current stability", Rear Admiral Muchos Murder
told our roving reporter.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sognefjorden (Soleil) --- "Corr! Look at all those crinkly bits, just
wait till I tell the old girl at home about this." "Look sharp lads,
get those nets out."  "I wonder where we'll be going next?" "Heave!
Heave! Come on, put your backs into it." "Dunno, but the Cap'n says
it'll definitely be some joint project with our Russian Comrades."
"Hard a-starboard! Full speed ahead."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
London (Soleil) --- His Majesties Government would like to thank the
Tsar for his most excellent proposal of joint manoeuvres. Whilst
having no designs upon the lands of Denmark he would be most pleased
to see a joint venture ensuring Russian occupation of said lands. The
Russian fishing industry has no need to fear a British trip to the
Barents Sea as current technology is insufficient for such a journey,
and we have no desire to deplete their stocks.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ministry for Fast Food (Soleil) --- "Up and at 'em Joe Bob!",
commented the Minister this week in the middle of his diplomatic
mission to Rome. "I suggest a Grand Tour of Europe is in order, to
assetain the current state of culinary decline. Munich, Burgundy,
Marseille. We'll teach those French philistines to close our fish and
chip shops!" He then returned his attentions to the tripe and onion
sandwich balanced precariously on his right knee.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foreign Office (Soleil) --- To our neighbours in France and Germany:
"So chaps, its to be war is it? Well I doubt your ability to organise
a pitch invasion, let alone one to the Heart of the Empire. I wouldn't
be too surprised to see boarder scuffles in Belgium this time. Our
sympathies definitely lie with the Kaiser (though we do not wish to
see his northward advance), what with those vindictive French bullying
our wonderful fast food outlets. We still hope to see German
occupation of the low-lands, and hope our fleets can be of help.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Moscow (Pravda) --- The Czar appeared in Moscow Square to announce: "I
have decided to trust the assurances of cooperation extended by Sultan
Ahmed the Peaceful, particularly in view of the recent naval activity
along the coast of Greece by both Italy and Austria.  Consequently,
the Polish Army has been ordered to move from Galicia into Budapest to
suppress the foul public uprising of democracy-loving residents
there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow (Pravda) --- In a private communique to Pope Joe Bob of Italy,
the Czar invited the Pope to be his guest at his favorite restaurant
in the mountains bordering Trieste and Budapest.  The Czar assured the
Pope that he would be treated to the best steak in all of Europe when
they dine, and added, "The Royal Family of Austria and Hungary will be
there to serve and taste the food for us."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (UPI) --- King Wilhelm I journeyed from his mountain retreat to
Trieste to greet the other "King", and offered him the protection of
the Austrian people.  King Wilhelm was overheard saying to Elvis: "The
nerve of that upstart Joe Bob.  Not only does he invade my country,
but then he asks me for assistance in his invasion of my neighbor
Greece.  Why I'll have to change plans and go there myself just to
protect the Greek citizenry from Joe Bob's antics.  I tell you, Elvis,
I've always considered you and your music to be vulgar and obscene,
but if you want to avoid capture by that hillbilly you'll find a
red-carpet reception here in Austria."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vienna (AP) -- "I think there were too many Hungarians in the War
Department," the Emperor said when questioned today by reporters about
the spring military setbacks.  "Hungarians always concentrate on
subduing the Serbians, however, they should be worrying about the true
enemy of the Empire, Italy.  The Italians have replaced royalty with a
commoner as their leader.  This cannot be tolerated.  I call on the
royalty of Russia and Turkey to join with Austria- Hungary in fighting
this insidious trend before we are replaced in our own countries."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vienna (AP) -- The streets of all major cities in Austria-Hungary were
filled with thousands of cheering people today.  The celebrations
started spontaneously after the announcement from the Emperor that a
new era of good relations with Turkey was beginning.  Also, the news
that the Turkish army in Bulgaria would march to prevent the Italian
oppressor from conquering Greece was met with great joy.  The Emperor
was quoted as saying, "Austria will be Turkey's closest ally and most
valuable asset in the war against Italy (and any other enemies of the
Sultan).  There have been many false press releases issued by the
plebeian Italian usurper about Austrian-Turkish relations.  They are
not to be believed.  I will prove this by giving Turkey any support
and assistance it needs."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (Reuters) -- Pro-Italian agitators inside Turkey protested
today against the action the Sultan was taking to build a "vacation"
home for the Austrian ruler on the Black Sea.  "This means our Italian
allies will not be able to dismember the blackguard when they sweep
through Vienna and Budapest."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tunis (Reuters) -- "Boy, is my face red." Pope Joe Bob I began at an
official Vatican news conference yesterday, "I was just so sure that
the Elvis sighting was correct that I ran around like a chicken with
my head cut off. Boy, am I sorry." The Pope was responding to reports
that last season's sightings of Elvis in Greece were, in fact,
forgeries made by the Grecian Tourist Bureau from pictures taken two
years ago in Tunis. In a desperate attempt to find some trace of the
King, Pope Joe Bob ordered the Ionian fleet to reverse themselves and
instead head towards Tunis, causing great confusion in the Balkans.
"Hell, I just hope the Austrians didn't go and send us some support --
if they did, I'm real sorry. Guess I just screwed up there."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tyrolia (AP) -- Pissed off by the recent reports of the falsified
"Elvis pictures", Italian General Billy Bob, cousin to Pope Joe Bob I,
last week took the two armies under his control deeper into Austrian
territory, ignoring orders to retreat them to Venice. Granting a rare
interview to a battlefield reporter, General Billy Bob said that he
was "extremely miffed and not a little put out" by the Greek
falsification. "It just simply isn't cricket to do that to a chap,
what?" he swore hotly, "So I thought it'd just be splendid to pop over
to Austria and see what our good neighbors were doing. I do hope they
don't mind." When asked if his armies were marching to meet the
Russian armies already poised around Austria, Billy Bob angrily ended
the interview, saying only that "Well, I'd say right now that we're,
ah, in the middle of things, as it were. I'd guess the Austrians are
just going to have to trust us -- after all, I know as well as the
next chap that they play a mean game of cricket."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Vatican City (UPI) -- Denying the rumors of hostile diplomatic
messages, Pope Joe Bob I today claimed that there is no bad blood
between Italy and the two great eastern powers. "I don't know where
they got that idea, but they can just forget it right now," the Pope
told reporters, "why, I ain't got nothing against them at all -- 'cept
that they seem to want to beat up on my good buddy Austria." The Pope
then went on to extoll the virtue of Turkish cuisine ("We eat turkey
all the time 'round here") and Russian Vodka ("I've been experimenting
with giving the sacramental wine a little more kick on special
holidays") and proposed a "East/West Food Exchange Program". "I'd be
glad to send a few emissaries over there with some good food anytime
-- just ask." ;-)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Zurich (Reuters) -- In a series of shocking revelations, Swiss
reporters have uncovered a massive Italian plot to funnel large
quantities of barbeque and hush puppies into underground French "pig
pickings". Apprently in retalliation to the closure of English
restaurants within France, the Italian government has been filling
large tankers marked "Crude Oil" with Brunswick stew and shipping it
to undisclosed drop-off points around the southern coast of
Marseilles. As the "country cooking" flows into the country, small
gatherings of curious Frenchmen have been forming all over the country
to sample this previously restricted style of food. "Eet is, how do
you say?  damn good." one Frenchman told a reporter on condition of
anonymity, "Eet is much better than the food in Paris -- there the
food, how do you say? sucks."
===============================================================================

MANHATTAN: Autumn 1901
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
no retreats

PRESS:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Berlin (Reuters) --- The Kaiser expressed "puzzlement" over the
contradictory stance the British government appears to have taken
regarding continental affairs.  While Germany has attempted to
maintain good faith with England, British naval forces have prevented
Germany from establishing ethnically German Denmark as a German
protectorate.  The British Foreign Office meanwhile has protested
German "imperialism" in Denmark while supporting a German occupation
of the Low Countries.  And the First Lord of the Admiralty recently
ordered the British Grand Fleet to defend the sovereignity of the
Danes while permitting the French to occupy Wales!  German strategists
are totally confused by the present British policy and beg some
clarification.  The Kaiser continues to support the concept of an
Anglo-German alliance, but would like to see some support from
England.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Munich (TTS) --- The landwehr is scrambling to defend Munich as
Italian forces mobilize on the southern border.  The strategic
Bavarian beer reserves are believed threatened by the Italian actions,
and the Kaiser in a statement today said that "While we'd be glad to
trade beer for Joe Bob (tm) barbeque ribs, there ain't no such thing
as free beer!"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Moscow (AP) --- PRAVDA is closed for the Autumn vodka celebration.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
PARIS (Frog News Service) --- A clearly embarrassed French Premier
today publicly apologized to His Majesty's government in England.
"Apparently", stated the Premier, "Admiral Perrault mis-read or
misunderstood his orders to visit Lisbon, Portugal.  According to our
reports, he has taken the Grand Fleet to Cardiff, Wales."  After
several minutes of great commotion, the Premier stated that Admiral
Perrault was now confined to his flagship's brig, and a new fleet
Admiral had taken charge.  "The new Admiral has been ordered to
proceed directly to the Mid-Atlantic as quickly as possible.  The only
occasion for delaying the move would be if the English government
petitioned the Admiral for support into Belgium in the Fall of 1902."
As a further show of good faith to the English, the Premier has
suspended all ship-building activities and will instead concentrate on
building more Army corps.  This, obviously, is in direct response to
the unstated Declaration of War by Germany upon France.  "We intend to
meet with representatives of the Anglo-Russian Alliance in Oslo within
one week", stated the Premier,"To discuss with them the atrocious
behavior of the German Kaiser, and offer unconditional support for
them in their war with the German nation."  When asked if close ally
Joe-Bob of Italy was headed for Munich with his armies, the Premier
only replied, "The French and Italian governments have excellent
relations."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Liverpool (Soleil) --- Due to the increased dumping of industrial
waste off the coast of Wales a new mobile Anti-Pollution Squad is to
be formed. The retired naval Captain, James McLean, is to be put in
charge of the new unit, with orders to co-ordinate with the 3rd Light
Ekithumpers in ``booting those stinking Frogs back across the
Channel.''
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sognefjorden (Soleil) --- The Anglo-Russian scotch `n' kipper party
was a great success, with both skippers agreeing to plan their fishing
strategies more closely. Mr Cod Inabatter once more told his opposite
that they had no need to fear English expansion, and that he would
look forward to seeing the arrival of a Russian fleet in the Baltic
Sea. He hopes that Russian annexation of Denmark, with the some
self-determination, is the best solution for the country.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bognor Regis (Soleil) --- With the aid of a newly invented telescope
it was just possible to see the French fiasco in the low-lands, where
predicted reports of aggression were obviously correct. The lads in
the 3rd had an even greater laugh when they heard the news of the
invasion of Burgundy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Foreign Office (Soleil) --- The Government congratulated the Kaiser on
his excellent manoeuvring with regards to the French, and his regrets
that intervention was required to preserve the neutrality of Denmark.
Though it is not expected that the Germans will need any help with
their occupation of France, support will be given should it be sought.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
CONSTANTINOPLE (Imperial press) --- We are determined to protect
Bulgaria, Serbia and Greece from the threat of democracy and we hope
that Russia would keep her forces out of these countries. We would
also like to start exchanging messages with Russia for the division of
the rest of Europe :-) Since we don't see that Russia has any
legitemate interests in the Mediterranean area we would be very
greateful should Russia consider it possible to let us protect the
citizens of Trieste from themselves and the Italians.  We hope that
the Czar will not build anything in Sevastopol.
	-- Sultan Ahmed the Peaceful
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZURICH (UPI) --- Representatives of the countries of Italy,
Austria-Hungary, and Turkey met today to discuss what they call "The
Russian Problem".  A representative from Germany was expected as well,
but "must have gotten lost", according to a Berlin spokesman.
"Austrian and Turkish passivity have created a Russian Monster",
warned Pope Joe-Bob.  "Get out of my country", said the Archduke
glaring at the Pope.  "I just don't see the problem", giggled Turkish
ambassador Ray Charles.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZURICH (Reuters) --- The Kaiser revealed that he sent a delegation to
London to propose an alliance between England and Germany.  The German
proposal calls for the English to SUPPORT the Kiel army in its efforts
to liberate Denmark.  There could then be peace and stability between
the 3 major powers in Scandinavia.  The English would also declare
that Belgium and Holland are rightful territories of Germany.  In
return Germany would SUPPORT English fleets as they liberate Brest,
Portugal, and Spain from French oppression.  The Kaiser expressed
confidence that this was an offer the Prime Minister "couldn't
refuse."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZURICH (AP) --- In an interview yesterday in Moscow Square the Czar
said, "I'm having second thoughts about an alliance with Turkey.
Perhaps an alliance with Italy would serve our national interests
better.  Italy is in a better military position to help our forces in
their war with Austria, and then to continue our joint operations to
conquer Turkey itself."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ZURICH (AP) --- An ecclesiastical delegation from France has requested
an audience with the new Pope.  They hope to reestablish relationships
between the Pope and his subjects in France, and to encourage the Pope
to visit France to boost morale.  They also intend to ask the Pope to
send his armies into Munich to serve justice on the German soldiers
who have invaded France and destroyed many churches.  They bear
assurances from the French army commanders that the Italian army will
receive the full support of the French army for all manuevers in
Germany.
===============================================================================

That's all for now.

Cheers!
Lord Valentine

References

Diplomacy Zine --- The Lost Chapter
tedward@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Ted Fischer)
Sun, 21 Jan 1990 17:35:38 +0000
Re: Diplomacy Zine --- The Lost Chapter
tedward@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Ted Fischer)
Sun, 21 Jan 1990 17:42:00 +0000