Diplomacy Zine --- The Lost Chapter From: tedward@svax.cs.cornell.edu (Ted Fischer) Date: Sun, 26 Nov 1989 23:55:23 +0000 Chapter Two of ELECTRONIC PROTOCOL: This chapter contains results from the gunboat game CONSTITUTION Issue #112 SPECIAL ISSUE FOR CONSTITUTION =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Spring 1907 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- F SMY S (A Gre - Con) |A KIE S (A Pru - Ber) A Rum - UKR |F BAL S (A Pru - Ber) A Ukr - WAR |F NWY S (F GoB - StS) A Sev S (A Rum - Ukr) CUT (Ret RUM) |F HOL S (A Kie H) A SIL S (A Ukr - War) |F GoB - STS F AEG C (Gre - Con) |A RUH - Mun CUTS A Gre - CON |F Nts - NWS A BUL S (A Gre - Con) CUT (Bla) |F BAR S (F GoB - StS) A BOH S GER (A Mun H) |A Pru - BER A Vie - TYR |---France----------------------------- ---Italy--------------------------------|A Gas - MAR A Pie - VEN |A BUR S ENG (A Ruh - Mun) F TYS H |F Tun - ION F GoL - TUS |A SPA S (A Gas - Mar) ---Germany------------------------------|F WME - Tys FAIL A Ber S (A Mun H) CUT (Disband) |F Mar - GOL A MUN S (A Ber H) CUT (Ruh) |---Russia----------------------------- ---Turkey-------------------------------|A Arm - SEV F BLA - BuE CUTS |A MOS S (A Arm - Sev) A Con - Smy FAIL (Ret ANK) |-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 10 A Ukr War Rum Sil Con Bul Boh Tyr F Smy Aeg England: 9 A Kie Ruh Ber F Bal Nwy Hol StS Nws Bar France: 6 A Mar Bur Spa F Ion Wme GoL Germany: 1 A Mun Italy: 3 A Ven F Tys Tus Russia: 2 A Sev Mos Turkey: 2 A Ank F Bla =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Fall 1907 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- F SMY S (A Con H) CUT (Ank) |A KIE S (A Ruh - Mun) A UKR - Sev CUTS |F BAL S (A Ber H) A WAR - Mos CUTS |F NWY S RUS (A Mos - War) ILL A RUM S (A Ukr - Sev) CUT (Bla) |F Hol - NTS A SIL S GER (A Mun H) |F STS S FRE (F Ion - Nap) ILL F AEG - Gre BOUNCE (Bul/Ion)|A Ruh - MUN A CON H |F NWS S RUS (A Sev - Rum) ILL A BUL - Gre BOUNCE (Aeg/Ion)|F BAR S TUR (A Ank - Con) ILL A BOH S GER (A Mun H) |A BER S (A Ruh - Mun) A Tyr - VEN |---France----------------------------- ---Italy--------------------------------|A Mar - PIE A Ven - TRI |A BUR S ENG (A Ruh - Mun) F Tys - NAP |F ION - Gre BOUNCE(Bul/Aeg) F TUS - Tys BOUNCE (GoL) |A Spa - TUN ---Germany------------------------------|F WME C (Spa - Tun) A MUN S AUS (A Sil - Ber) NSO (Disband) |F GOL - Tys BOUNCE (Tus) ---Turkey-------------------------------|---Russia----------------------------- F BLA - Rum CUTS |A SEV S (A Mos H) CUT (Ukr) A ANK - Smy CUTS |A MOS S (A Sev H) CUT (War) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 10 A Ukr War Rum Sil Con Bul Boh Ven F Smy Aeg England: 9 A Kie Mun Ber F Bal Nwy Nts StS Nws Bar France: 6 A Pie Bur Tun F Ion Wme GoL Germany: 0 Italy: 3 A Tri F Nap Tus Russia: 2 A Sev Mos Turkey: 2 A Ank F Bla SUPPLY CENTERS Austria: 10 Bud (Tri) Vie Ser Gre Rum Smy War (Sev) Bul CON VEN England: 12 Edi Lvp Lon Bel Hol Den Nwy Kie Swe MUN BER STP France: 6 Mar Par Bre Spa Por Tun Germany: 0 (Mun) (Ber) Italy: 3 (Ven) Rom Nap TRI Russia: 2 (StP) Mos SEV Turkey: 1 Ank (Con) BUILDS England: 3 A Edi, A Lon, A Lvp Turkey: -1 (F Bla) FINAL POSITIONS Austria: 10 A Ukr War Rum Sil Con Bul Boh Ven F Smy Aeg England: 12 A Kie Mun Ber Edi Lon Lvp F Bal Nwy Nts StS Nws Bar France: 6 A Pie Bur Tun F Ion Wme GoL Germany: ELIMINATED Italy: 3 A Tri F Nap Tus Russia: 2 A Sev Mos Turkey: 1 A Ank GM NOTES Well, Germany has finally been eliminated. Russia, Turkey, and Italy have a combined 6 supply centers. England, with the support of France, is on the verge of sweeping the remaining countries out of their way. We have a proposal for a French-English draw. Please vote on it. A single "no" vote will kill the proposal. We have another proposal for an Austrian/English draw. Vote on that too. PRESS "I can't believe I'm still alive." --- anonymous quote "Together again, at last!" --- guess who? "Shall we swap back?" --- a disgruntled stabber =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Spring 1908 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- F Smy - EAS |A KIE - Mun FAIL A Ukr - SEV |F BAL S FRE (A Pie - Tyr) ILL A WAR - Mos CUTS |F NWY S (A Edi - StP) A RUM S (A Ukr - Sev) |F NTS C (Lon - Den) A SIL S FRE (A Bur - Mun) NSO |F StS - GOB F Aeg - GRE |A MUN - Sil FAIL (2:2) A Con - ANK |F NWS C (Edi - StP) A BUL S (F Aeg - Gre) |F BAR C (Edi - StP) A BOH S (A Sil H) |A BER S (A Mun - Sil) A VEN H |A Edi - STP ---Italy--------------------------------|A Lon - DEN A TRI - Ven FAIL |A Lvp - EDI F NAP - Tys BOUNCE (1:2) |---France----------------------------- F Tus - ROM |A PIE - Ven FAIL ---Turkey-------------------------------|A BUR S (A Kie - Mun) A Ank - SMY |F ION C (Tun - Alb) ---Russia-------------------------------|A Tun - ALB A Sev S (A Mos H) CUT (Disband) |F Wme - TYS A MOS S (A Sev H) CUT (War) |F GOL S (F Wme - Tys) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 10 A Sev War Rum Sil Ank Bul Boh Ven F Eas Gre England: 12 A Kie Mun Ber StP Den Edi F Bal Nwy Nts GoB Nws Bar France: 6 A Pie Bur Alb F Ion Tys GoL Italy: 3 A Tri F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos Turkey: 1 A Smy GM NOTES Remember that press is not likely to come from the country it claims. It's much more likely to come from me. (Though I certainly don't take credit for all of it. The best press I receive from others.) Both draws were soundly defeated. I remind you, however, that a two-player win is not allowed. Only a single player may earn a win. Multiple players must take a draw. We again have two proposals: The first is for a English/French draw. The second is for an English win. Vote on them! Also, now is your chance to guess your opponents. 5 points for guessing an opponent and matching him to the country, 2 points for guessing an opponent without a country, and 1 point for being guessed. I'll announce the results at the end. PRESS "Surrender, you don't have a chance!!" "You take the low road, I'll take the high road, and I'll meet you somewhere soon." London(AP) - The Queen has finally agreed to spend some money on the army Instead of putting all of the investments into the fleets. When asked why the sudden change of thoughts, she responded, "Well, Lord Smedley has convinced me that your ships are just too big to travel in the tiny rivers of Europe, and despite what I feel, he says it will be too expensive to put wheels on the ships. Now, I just hope that those boys can swim, otherwise I'm cutting the funding to this project". Our reporters have also learned that the armies were issued life jackets, though when questioned as to why, everybody refused to comment. [Ed: If wheels won't work, have they considered ballooning them?] =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Fall 1908 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- A SEV - Mos FAIL (2:2) |A Kie - BER A WAR S (A Sev - Mos) |A Mun S (A Ber - Sil) CUT (Ret RUH) A Rum - SER |A Ber - SIL A Sil - MUN |A STP S RUS (A Mos H) A ANK H |A Den - LVN A BUL S (F Gre H) |A Edi - DEN A BOH S (A Sil- Mun) |F BAL C (Den - Lvn) A VEN - Tri FAIL |F Nwy - SKA F Eas - ION |F NTS C (Edi - Den) F GRE S (F Eas - Ion) |F GOB S (A Den - Lvn) ---Italy--------------------------------|F NWS S FRE (A Bur - Mar) ILL A TRI S FRE (A Pie - Ven) NSO |F BAR S FRE (A Mar - Pie) ILL F NAP S (F Rom H) |---France----------------------------- F ROM S (F Nap H) |A PIE S ITA (A Tri - Ven) NSO ---Turkey-------------------------------|A BUR S ENG (A Kie - Mun) NSO A SMY - Swi ILL |A ALB - Gre CUTS ---Russia-------------------------------|F Ion - ADR A MOS H |F TYS S ENG (A Mun - Tyr) ILL ----------------------------------------|F GOL S (F Tys H) --------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 10 A Sev War Ser Mun Ank Bul Boh Ven F Ion Gre England: 12 A Ber Ruh Sil StP Lvn Den F Bal Ska Nts GoB Nws Bar France: 6 A Pie Bur Alb F Adr Tys GoL Italy: 3 A Tri F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos Turkey: 1 A Smy SUPPLY CENTERS Austria: 12 Bud Vie Ser Gre Rum (Smy) War Bul Con Ven SEV MUN ANK England: 11 Edi Lvp Lon Bel Hol Den Nwy Kie Swe (Mun) Ber StP France: 6 Mar Par Bre Spa Por Tun Italy: 3 Rom Nap Tri Russia: 1 Mos (Sev) Turkey: 1 (Ank) Smy BUILDS Austria: 2 A Vie, A Bud England: -1 (F Bar) FINAL POSITIONS Austria: 12 A Sev War Ser Mun Ank Bul Boh F Ion Gre Ven Vie Bud England: 11 A Ber Ruh Sil StP Lvn Den F Bal Ska Nts GoB Nws France: 6 A Pie Bur Alb F Adr Tys GoL Italy: 3 A Tri F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos Turkey: 1 A Smy GM NOTES Again, both proposals were defeated. However, we have two new proposals: An Italian/Russian/Turkish draw, and an Austrian/English/French draw. Vote on them! No press today. You people are getting downright boring! :-) Feel free to send me really nasty press purporting to come from another country. I guess I'll just have to write some.... Thanks for sending me builds with the move so I can get this out promptly. Please send in the Spring 1909 orders as soon as possible. PRESS France today blamed Italy for the miscommunication in Venice, while Italy placed the blame on the inconsistent French. While the generals argued about who had to go in first, the Austrian forces made themselves comfortable. "It may not be Trieste," said one weary footsoldier, "however the natives can be quite hospitable when given the right encouragement. ... pass me that hot poker and those thumbscrews, please?" Meanwhile, the remainder of the Turkish forces are said to be laying low in Switzerland. "We will return!", claims their commander. When asked about this, the Austrian king died laughing. "See?", said the Turks, "We may be down but we aren't out." In other news, Russia today proclaimed its victory over Turkey. "It was a long and hard fought war, but we finally beat them!", exclaimed General Tweedle Dumski. [ed. It seems that the death of his brother has finally pushed him off the edge. Though analysis of his novel two-pronged attack might lead one to believe that he lost his marbles years ago!] =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Spring 1909 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- A SEV S (A War - Mos) |A BER S (A Ruh - Mun) A War - Mos FAIL (Ret. UKR) |A Ruh - MUN A Ser - ALB |A Sil - WAR A Mun S (A Boh - Sil) CUT (Ret. BOH) |A STP S RUS (A Mos H) A ANK S (A Bul - Con) |A LVN S (A Sil - War) A Bul - CON |A Den - KIE A Boh - SIL |F BAL S (A Lvn H) A VEN S FRE (A Pie - Tus) |F Ska - NTS A VIE S (A Bud - Tri) |F Nts - NWS A Bud - TRI |F GOB S (A Den - Kie) F ION - Adr FAIL |F Nws - BAR F GRE S (A Ser - Alb) |---Russia----------------------------- ---Italy--------------------------------|A MOS H A Tri - Ven FAIL (Ret. SER) |---France----------------------------- F NAP - Apu BOUNCE (Alb) |A Pie - TYR F ROM S FRE (F Alb - Gre) ILL |A BUR S ENG (A Ruh - Mun) ---Turkey-------------------------------|A Alb - Apu FAIL (Disband) A SMY - Con BOUNCE (1:2) |F ADR C (Alb - Apu) ----------------------------------------|F Tys - TUN |F GoL - TYS --------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 12 A Sev Ukr Alb Boh Ank Con Sil F Ion Gre Ven Vie Tri England: 11 A Ber Mun War StP Lvn Kie F Bal Nts Nws GoB Bar France: 5 A Tyr Bur F Adr Tun Tys Italy: 3 A Ser F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos Turkey: 1 A Smy GM NOTES Enough NO votes to defeat the proposal. I'm not going to accept any more proposals for a while, since certain people are vetoing every one of them. Thanks for all the press. Enjoy! PRESS The Austrian empire was rocked today by the news that their king had died, apparently while laughing. Initial reports indicated that king Gustav II was stricken after hearing of the threats of the Turkish government to retaliate. These rumors were later found to be untrue. The real cause of death was something much more sinister. It is now believed that king Gustav was slain by the World's Funniest Joke. First discovered by Graham Chapman, and later translated one word at a time (Once the same person saw two words; his recovery is expectedto take at least 15 years) into German for use against the Kaiser. The English military success clearly demonstrates the devastating power of the World's Funniest Joke when used against the top German leaders. It is believed that The Joke was passed into Austria by a Lithuanian bottle importer on a trip from Munich to Vienna. The Joke then toured the Vienna stock exchange, making a killing in the market. It was then picked up by Austrian Intelligence and researched by the non-German speaking members of the Austrian scientific community. Despite strict quarrentining measures, however, the Joke was accidently released inside the palace. (It is believed that a Turkish janitor mistook it for his laundry list. Everybody knows they cannot read anyway) King Gustav is said to have found the joke inside his morning paper, where it was apparently left by the chef, a Russian. Work has now commenced on a French translation and an Italian one. When asked about Russian and Turkish versions of the Joke, Dr. Eric Friedenburg replied, "What's the point? The literacy rates in those countries is running about 2%, and besides, we don't need the aid of the Joke to level what is left of them!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Peace talks between the English and Austrian governments have broken down for the third time in as many weeks. The discussions came to a halt over a disagreement as to whether or not to allow French delegates to attend. The Austrians, fearing a two-front war, were quite willing to allow the French to join in the talks. It is rumored that the Austrians' main reason in allowing the French in is to increase the possibility of disagreement and failure. Despite being nominal allies, the English refused to accept that the French had a right to attend the peace talks. "Until they show us that they are a fighting force capable of defeating the Austrians, we refuse to recognize their existance," General Kitchener said. He clarified his remarks in a press conference later, "I did not mean to imply that the French are poor fighters; it's just that they have yet to prove themselves. I mean, so they took Tunis from the Italians, what's so difficult about that?" General Kitchener's aide pointed out, "We will allow our best friends the French to join the negotiations once Austria has been pushed out of Venice. That will prove to us that they are indeed a military power." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Lausanne, Switzerland (UP) - The Turkish Government-in-Exile has settled in and is prepared to fight to the last man to save what is left of the once great Ottoman Empire. Sources close to the government report that Turkey is looking for an alliance with Russia and Italy. It is expected that this alliance will dominate Europe. In Paris, London, and Vienna (where saner heads prevail) the alliance is looked upon as the last ditch effort it really is; and is treated with contempt if it is treated at all. The Russian government is also preparing to join the German and Turkish governments in Switzerland soon. The Italians, cut off from Switzerland by the Austrian army in Venice and the French in Piedmont, are determined to hold out as long as they can before they too must relocate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Rumors are running rampant that the Engish and Austrian armys are getting sick and tired of their governments sending them off to get killed. It seems many years of war are taking it's toll on the moral of the troops. One Brit infantryman was reportedly over-heared saying, "Look at what I have to do! March here, March there. Take over Germany! I'm working my bloody b*tt off while the Turks are off skiing in the Alps. Maybe it's time to look for work in another country." Austrian sediments seem to be similarly shaky. Look for possible civil war in both countries. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ The National Enquirer has discovered the problems between the French and Italian forces fighting over Venice. Apparently the two countries were using couriers that went through Venice. Of course these two couriers were stopped at the border, and false information packets were supplied. Either that or UFO's planted the suggestions in the French and Italian commander's heads. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Despite impressive gains made by the Austrian forces last year, their units find themselves contending over the same plots of land. Peasants near the battlefields heard cries of "Mine!" "Mine!" "Mine!" "Yours" "Yours" "Yours" BOOOM! Meanwhile, the brave Moscow unit of the Russian Nationalist Forces are maintaining a strong underground resistance with support from English forces. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ London (AP) - The Queen was seen today in an extremely agitated mood. Upon one occasion, Lord Smedley tried to talk to her but was promptly hit by one of her shoes. Later in the day she was heard to exclaim, "You moron! I told you that armies were a waste of time! They can't even hold a silly city! First you lose a fleet and now you have the rest sailing around in a circle!" As the day progressed, people were seen running among the admiralty, the armory, and the palace. We suspect that something might be up. There is definetely two factions rising in the land, one for armies and one for navies. If the situation does not get under control, it might come down to harsh words or maybe even pulling hair. Somebody has to step in, and soon! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- It has been rumored that in Moscow today, both the Austrians and the English are being hailed as saviors of the city. Paris (AP) - The French High Command today was shocked to hear reports of an Austrian fleet in the supposedly secure Adriatic Sea. Upon further investigation, they found only a single Austrian ship, which was promptly sunk. Now that their tactic has been discovered, it seems unlikely that the Austrians will try it again. (If you haven't figured it out by now, I made a mistake. The Austrian fleet belongs in the Ionian Sea, not the Adriatic. -Ted) =============================================================================== CONSTITUTION: Fall 1909 ---Austria---------------------------------England---------------------------- A SEV - Mos FAIL |A BER S (A Mun - Sil) A UKR S (A Sil - War) |A Mun - SIL A ALB S (A Tri H) |A WAR S (A Mun - Sil) A BOH S (A Vie - Tyr) |A STP S RUS (A Mos H) A Ank - SMY |A LVN S (A War H) A CON S (A Ank - Smy) |A Kie - MUN A Sil - War FAIL (Ret. GAL) |F Bal - PRU A VEN S (A Tri H) |F NTS S FRE (A Mar - Pie) ILL A Vie - TYR |F NWS S FRE (F Tun - Ion) ILL A TRI S (A Ven H) |F GOB S FRE (A Bur - Mar) ILL F Ion S (F Gre H) CUT (Ret. AEG) |F BAR S FRE (A Tyr - Vie) ILL F GRE S FRE (A Bur - Bel) ILL |---Russia----------------------------- ---Italy--------------------------------|A MOS H A SER S FRE (F Adr - Tri) NSO |---France----------------------------- F NAP S (F Rom H) |A Tyr - Vie FAIL (Ret. PIE) F ROM S (F Nap H) |A Bur - BEL ---Turkey-------------------------------|F Adr - APU A Smy - Con FAIL (Disband) |F Tun - ION ----------------------------------------|F TYS S (F Tun - Ion) --------------------------------------- POSITIONS Austria: 12 A Sev Ukr Alb Boh Smy Con Gal F Aeg Gre Ven Tyr Tri England: 11 A Ber Sil War StP Lvn Mun F Pru Nts Nws GoB Bar France: 5 A Pie Bel F Apu Ion Tys Italy: 3 A Ser F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos Turkey: 0 ELIMINATED SUPPLY CENTERS Austria: 11 Bud Vie (Ser) Gre Rum (War) Bul Con Ven Sev (Mun) Ank SMY TRI England: 12 Edi Lvp Lon (Bel) Hol Den Nwy Kie Swe Ber StP WAR MUN France: 7 Mar Par Bre Spa Por Tun BEL Italy: 3 Rom Nap (Tri) SER Russia: 1 Mos Turkey: 0 (Smy) BUILDS Austria: -1 (A Smy) England: 1 A Lon France: 2 A Par, F Bre FINAL POSITIONS Austria: 11 A Sev Ukr Alb Boh Con Gal Ven F Aeg Gre Tyr Tri England: 12 A Ber Sil War StP Lvn Mun Lon F Pru Nts Nws GoB Bar France: 7 A Pie Bel Par F Apu Ion Tys Bre Italy: 3 A Ser F Nap Rom Russia: 1 A Mos GM NOTES The Turkish player has replaced the Austrian. In his first move he seems to have misplaced the French forces, allowing them to capture the Ionian. Or perhaps that was intentional. In any case, this game should speed up significantly. All of the current players seem to be able to get their moves in promptly, with the possible exception of Russia who I will NMR if necessary. PRESS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- London (UPI) - The rumored execution of Lord Smedley has been a complete hoax. apparently, one of the help overheard a conversation between the queen and the Lord, where the queen supposedly said, "If the armies do not show some results soon you will be executed.". Apparently the real line went, "If the armies do not execute, you will have to show me something to justify your worth." In either case, the queen was in a very pleasant mood today. As a matter of fact, there appeared to be a glow about her. We are not sure whether it is due to the recent success of the armies or to some other source. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Geneva (BBC) - Due to his recent remarks, General Kitchener has been demoted to the rank of private and was sent to join the army stationed in St.Petersburg. He was promptly replaced by General Toiletsmith. Apparently, the ex-General totally mixed up the orders sent to him by the prime minister. He was supposed to throw a party for the French ambassadors and attempt to get rid of the Austrians, instead he got rid of the French and threw the party for the Austrians. To fix the situation, General Toiletsmith has sent a bill to the Austrian government to cover the cost of the party, and has promised the French representatives a free trip for 1 month to anywhere they want. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Munich (AP) - The British soldier that was quoted in the last edition has been identified and was forced to apologize in front of the entire army. He has promised not to say any more derogatory remarks. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zurich (UPI) - Apparently, all peace talks have ground to a halt. The end of the war is now further away than ever. Reliable sources place the blame with Austria. It seems the Austrian leaders think that they can win the war against the English and French. General Kaputz of the Austrian High Command has been quoted as saying, "The English are pond scum; they can only fight on water and then not very well. As for the French, I ignore them. They are too busy trying to fight the Italians to be much more than a fly on a pig's ear. Why should we negotiate peace with these things when we will be able to destroy them in a year or so. There will be peace, an Austrian peace, by Christmas." Lord Smedley was too busy ducking slippers to comment. The French High Command could not be reached either. They were personally leading the amphibious assault from Albania; which was completely destroyed by a freak hurricane in the Adriatic. (The hurricane also confused Swiss observers, who at one time, reported that there were fleets from both Austria and France stationed in the Adriatic. This report has been corrected.) It is feared that most of the French generals of the High Command have been killed or drowned. One general's aide Major Gloire washed up in Tunis and was instantly promoted to Field Marshall. Field Marshall Gloire predicted a French victory over the evil Austrian empire. "If we get help from our friends the English and our former enemies the Italians, Austria will be destroyed and the war will be over," he said. When asked how soon he thought French victory could be achieved, he responded, "Three or four years, the Austrians are strong but not invincible. We will be victorious!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (AP) - The Italian guerilla forces have taken yet another Austrian supply center. The ILF (Italian Liberation Forces) have now snuck behind the lines and have vowed to save the combined Russian/Italian/Turkish forces. The Turkish forces, fighting a last ditch effort however are soundly cursing the Italians for their slow progress. General Mehta was overheard at a battle conference saying "If only those Italians didn't stop to wine and dine all the women in each city they get to. After all, they're only Austrians. But then again, I guess that's still better than what they get in Italy." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Switzerland (Reuters) - High level talks between the Turkish and French armed forces have been held in the Bergeron Hotel in Zeurich. The main topic of discussion appeared to be who was going to bring the dice and who was going to bring the RISC game. Well, the French brough the dice, but the Turks forgot the RISC game, so they played craps instead. After a hot streak, the French all of the sudden went cold. Rumors believe the Turkish ambassador employed his secret weapon -- Erma La Douce. Everybody knows "unlucky at dice, lucky at love". Everybody also know that the French are ALWAYS lucky at love. In any case, the French lost, and kept up their end of the bargain and attacked Belgium. Besides, the folks in Burgundy were getting too fat and lazy doing nothing more than supporting stupid English sailors turned soldiers. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Switzerland - FLASH!!!!! Austria loses ruler again - no joke! Turkish armies driven through the streets of Zurich. French armies tire of fighting over Munich and vacation in Belgium. Italians panic at sight of 3 fleets off the coast of Naples. Austrians driven back by English on two fronts. Italian guerrilla force sees much success! More on all of these stories in tomorrow's paper. (I *do* hope that some of you will cover some of these stories for me.) =============================================================================== That's it for this issue, folks! Cheers! Lord Valentine Up