New UEFL Division Takes Off From: cfg@grad10.cs.duke.edu (Christopher F. Gandy) Date: Thu, 16 Nov 1989 15:10:50 +0000 Volume 1, Issue 1 November 11, 1989 Pregame News I. FROM AROUND THE LEAGUE: Team Press The nation's capitol, Washington DC, is proud to sponsor the newest Peripheral Division franchise, the Washington Capitols. Playing in RFK stadium (seating ~65000 for soccer), on REAL GRASS, expectations run high for a successful season. We wish them and the rest of the league good luck and NO INJURIES. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kennel Komments... A BUNCH OF DOGS? REALLY! Manager Gordon is well-pleased with his squad. "After all, I don't think too many forwards in this league are going to mess with our defenders--not too many of them want to tangle with Akita, Rottie, and Dobie! And that Malamute at MF is big as a bear. Of course our forwards (Greyhound, Whippet, Saluki, Borzoi and the little Italian Greyhound) are among the fastest I have ever seen. And with a Great Dane or a Mastiff in the nets, I think we will present a fearsome line-up for any team!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Sordid Sages have avoided reporters during the preseason. They are maintaining a contemplative silence while they meditate upon the upcoming comba, that is, competition. Rumor has it that an exciting pre-game spectacle is planned for the opening game in Stonehenge Stadium --- ritual sacrifice of convicted felons! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Cylinder Heads hail from Chapin, IL, where they play at the Work Release Lounge a Bar/Disco/Pitch. The drinks have always been 2 for 1, that is until Big Jim Thompson and the Illinois State Legislature outlawed happy hours and drink specials. If you show your Illinois State Correctional Facility ID (the prison is right across the highway) and tell the bartender you know "Mad Dog" Matt you'll get a free long island iced tea. Just don't tell the statetroopers that like to come to the games. The Lounge opens out onto the pitch in back, but it is seperated by a wall of chicken wire since the fans are known to express their disapproval with empty bottles. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- At a press conference this morning, Hans Rumornaked announced through clenched teeth that he is resigning as manager of Moonshine by Urn, the football club that has not won a division title, tournament, exhibition game, or fan vote of confidence since the Berlin Wall was constructed. The infamous division of the German capital trapped their entire starting lineup and two substitutes behind the iron curtain, and the team has never recovered. Rumornaked said that he hoped his departure would relieve the team of pressure from recent scandals linking him to the streaking epidemic reported by garden club members throughout the Portland, Oregon metropolitan area. At the start of the season, Rumornaked was tried for grand theft, audobon, but was acquitted when two teenage girls testified that a passing bicylist had flipped him the bird as he left a local massage parlor at 4:00 AM. The Moonshine front office has named local favorite Prune Wickart as the new manager. Wickart served as goalkeeper for the 1210 F.C., the Cascade Cickers, and the Oshkosh Spirit, before retiring of shyness in 1982. Wickart summed up his strategy: "The team that controls the transitions, controls the match; midfielders are the key to the transition game." True to his word, Wickart immediately signed veteran midfielder Tony Welch, formerly of the Trinidad and Tobago national team. Wickart expects that Welch will provide the extra punch needed to allow last year's four returning midfielders to rest more and reach their full potentials. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- HSV:No comment --------------------------------------------------------------------------- No press received from Storage Jars; Gaucho Goalmongers, Dugwal Dirt Diggers, and Rigor M. UEFL League Report Vol 1, Issue 1 STANDINGS <Peripheral Division> LP Club W L D GS-GA CP TP BANK($K) 5 Dagsboro Kennel Club 2 0 1 9-4 4 4 228 5 Moonshine by Urn 2 0 1 5-3 4 3 60 4 Storage Jars 1 0 2 4-2 3.5 3 260 4 Cylinder Heads 2 1 0 4-2 3 3 280 3 Hue,Saturation,&Validation 1 1 1 1-2 4.5 3 260 3 Sordid Sages 1 1 1 8-2 2.5 3 137 3 Rigor M 1 1 1 2-5 2.5 3 120 2 Dugwal Dirt Diggers 1 2 0 2-9 1.5 3 240 1 Washington Capitols 0 2 1 2-4 3 5 220 0 Gaucho Goalmongers 0 3 0 2-6 0 3 185 Commissioner's Report: The only two injuries were results of the only two fatigued players, "a word to the wise?" There were some very interesting matches, to include one where a GK actually received a yellow card! Tempers must have been flaring there. In addition, I was stunned at the stellar performances of some of the GK-SW combinations. I was tempted to keep track of saves, but was unsure what to call shots that did not make it to the GK due to the SW play. Some of you will note that the following report is a bit more sparse than that put out by the Central Division. This was intentional, in order to make the information that can be obtained via scouting reports more useful. Everyone got their orders in on time. Congratulations! Appeals will not be accepted after midnight EST on Tuesday Nov. 14. Post-game press will be accepted until noon EST on Wednesday, with the resulting publication being sent out that day. Orders for Session B are due at midnight EST on Friday Nov. 17. ************************************************************************* AUCTION RESULTS lot #1 SW 15 III 72 DKC Shephard Cross lot #2 FW 8 I 140 RM Lexell lot #3 FW 13 I 240 MbU Chewbacca Center lot #4 DF 12 II 121 SS Lord Jim lot #5 scouting report #1 15 GG lot #6 scouting report #2 20 SJ NEXT AUCTION lot# POS SL Age 1 GK 8 0 2 DF 6 I 3 MF 4 0 4 FW 10 I 5 scouting report #1 6 scouting report #2 ************************************************************************ Match 1 Washington Capitols vs Hue, Saturation, & Validation 0-1 Olivio Drabo (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dugwal Dirt Diggers vs Sordid Sages 0-8 Marvel (2) Kali (2) Bullseye Bob (4) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dagsboro Kennel Club vs Storage Jars 2-2 N. Elkhound (1) McNamara (2) Whippet (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Gaucho Goalmongers vs Cylinder Heads 0-2 Crackle (1) Valdez (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Moonshine by Urn vs Rigor M 1-1 Mason (1) Koorem (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Match 2 Storage Jars vs Washington Capitols 0-0 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hue, Saturation, & Validation vs Sordid Sages 0-0 ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rigor M vs Dagsboro Kennel Club 0-4 Akita (2) Elkhound (1) Borzoi (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moonshine by Urn vs Gaucho Goalmongers 3-2 Battlement (1) Sargento (1) Winger (1) Strider (1) Stryker (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cylinder Heads vs Dugwal Dirt Diggers 0-2 Smart (1) Mitchell (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Match 3 Washington Capitols vs Dagsboro Kennel Club 2-3 Gould (1) Retreiver (1) Ciccarelli (pen:1) Borzoi (1) Whippet (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sordid Sages vs Storage Jars 0-2 McNamara (1) Harris (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gaucho Goalmongers vs Rigor M 0-1 Berlind (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dugwal Dirt Diggers vs Moonshine by Urn 0-1 S. Welch (1) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hue, Saturation, & Validation vs Cylinder Heads 0-2 Pop (2) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Post Game Press Coach Serenity of the Sordid Sages had the following comments on the frustrating 0-0 tie with Hue Saturation and Validation at Stonehenge Stadium: "It was exactly the sort of thing that my team must learn to deal with if they are to acheive enlightenment through football. There was absolutely no question that we outplayed them. Kali did her job splendidly and, in my opinion, actually scored at least once. Unfortunately, the referees, (who have the spiritual development of earthworms) ruled that the ball did not completely enter the scoring zone. We must use this oppurtunity to remind ourselves of the transitory nature of emotional pleasures." Rumor has it that the offending referee is to be the pre-game sacrifice at the next match in Stonehenge Stadium. *** Commenting on the Sordid Sage's first loss, against the Storage Jars, Coach Serenity claimed to be pleased with his team's performance. "We were on a hostile field and the team's spirit had not yet settled down from having been cheated out of a well deserved win against Saturation and Validation. The team was tired and I decided to give some of the younger players a chance to play. Overall, I was quite pleased with their performance in making this such a close game. My only complaint was that neither goalie St. Peter nor sweeper Syd Harta was able to stop a single shot on goal, and this was their first real test! In both previous games, our outfielders dominated our opponents. St. and Syd will have to reach deeper into their souls during upcoming games, or we will use their internal organs to read omens." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- EARLY SEASON LEADERS CLASH IN MATCH 6 The top two teams in the Peripheral Division clash in Match 6. Asked if he is looking forward to the match, DKC net-minder Great Dane said, "Grrr. Owf. Rowf. Rowf. Rrrrrrrr." The Irish Terrier joined in, seconding Dane's sentiments: "Rrrrrrrowf. Yip, yip, yip, rrrrrrr." The acquisition of a nice Shephard Cross to play SW should bolster the already protective defense area. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Washington Capitols - No Comment Up