Diplomacy Zine --- The Lost Chapter From: tedward@elli.cs.cornell.edu (Ted Fischer) Date: Sun, 11 Feb 1990 03:26:54 +0000 Chapter Two of ELECTRONIC PROTOCOL: This chapter contains results from DRAGONSLAYER, BISMARCK, COLD WAR, and gunboat games JACKAL, VERSAILLES, and MANHATTAN. Issue #134 =============================================================================== Results in this issue: Manhattan W01 S02 Su02 F02 =============================================================================== MANHATTAN: Winter 1901 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BUILDS: England: 1 F Lvp France: 1 A Mar Germany: 1 A Mun Italy: 1 A Ven Russia: 3 A War, A Mos, A Sev Turkey: 1 F Smy FINAL POSITIONS: Austria: 3 A Ser Vie F Tri England: 4 A Lon F Nwy Nts Lvp France: 4 A Spa Pic Mar F Wal Germany: 4 A Kie Bur Mun F Hol Italy: 4 A Boh Tyr Ven F Tun Russia: 7 A Bud Gal War Mos Sev F Rum Swe Turkey: 4 A Bul Con F Ank Smy PRESS: ENGLAND WITHDRAWS FROM DENMARK TO MEET FRENCH CZAR TELLS THE SULTAN -- GO WEST, YOUNG TURK ENGLISH-RUSSIAN FRIENDSHIP TO GROW "VIENNA IS MINE" SAYETH THE CZAR POPE ACCEPTS CZAR'S DINNER INVITATION AUSTRIAN GOVERNMENT CRACKS DOWN ON ELVIS ROME OUTRAGED AT AUSTRIAN "ELVIS BASHING" MYSTIC CLAIMS POPE IN LEAGUE WITH DEVIL POPE PROMISES TO SUPPORT SERBIAN INDEPENDENCE ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Foreign Office (Soleil) --- In a joint communique to the Kaiser and the Tsar the Prime Minister yesterday made clear his plans for the region surrounding Denmark. Whilst he regrets that the country should be occupied by any foreign power, the situation is such that the British fleets in the area can take no further action in the dispute, owing to the need to liberate Wales from the invading French. Once that situation is under control then the situation can again be reviewed. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (AP) --- This personal letter from the Czar was just dispatched to the Sultan of Turkey (and copied by this reporter before it left the city): To Sultan Ahmed the Peaceful -------- I am confused and quite distressed by your passive military manuevers. Just several months ago you objected to the uprising of democracy in Austria-Hungary and urged Italy and Russia to join you in its suppression. I personally ordered the Polish army to invade Budapest AS A DIRECT RESULT OF YOUR REQUEST! You professed the intention of taking Serbia and Greece yourself at that time. Yet it seems that your forces never attempted to advance any further than Bulgaria. Why??? Let me speak plainly. The world is fraught with danger. Europe seems to be breaking apart at the seams. No country can stand alone. A strong alliance is essential for survival. I have urged you twice before to ally with Russia. I do so now again. But recognize that a weak ally offers little support in the face of danger. I want you to be a strong ally. I NEED you to be a strong ally. Search your history. Remember how your grandfather, Sultan Ahmed the Merciless, swept his forces across Syria and Armenia to expand the Turkish Empire. Look west and do likewise!! You asked me to stay clear of the Mediterranean and leave it for you. OK. Agreed. But yet I look at the seas and don't see the presence of the Turkish navy. Please remedy that situation. You requested that I also leave Trieste to your care. Are you really prepared to extend your reach that far? I hope so ... but await the evidence. Let our two great nations grow powerful together! ... Addendums: 1. It was necessary for me to build an army in Sevastipol to (a) reinforce the Russian forces in the war with Austria, and (b) avoid disturbing the peace in Scandinavia. 2. I have heard a rumor of an "interview" at which I offered to ally with Italy to attack Turkey. THAT RUMOR WAS NOT TRUE. I suspect that it was initiated by Austria. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (Pravda) --- A delegation from England arrived last week with a response to the Czar's offer of assistance. They have just returned to England with this message from the Czar: Your suggestion that the Russian fleet in Sweden advance to Denmark under English escort is well received. The order has been given; the fleet will move THIS SPRING. In fact I am so impressed with your offer that I extend further measures in return. Not only will this fleet shield your Norwegian supplies as promised, but will also be under your direct command for the remainder of the decade. My sailors will SUPPORT your fleets in or into the North Sea, the Helgoland Bight, or Kiel itself as you find convenient. Furthermore, to prevent any perceived threat and alleviate any concerns you may have about their intentions, I will not build another fleet in St. Petersburg to reinforce this fleet. By the way, my boys in Sweden extend their appreciation for the Scotch, and assure you that the dysentery caused by the kippers only lasted about a week. On another note ... it has come to my attention that the Kaiser is attempting to convince you to break your proferred agreement. Heed not his words, I beseech you. He would have you assist in his occupation of Denmark, Belgium, and Holland THIS YEAR, enabling him to capture Paris and perhaps Marseilles NEXT YEAR. In return he "offers" to support you on more distant endeavors SEVERAL YEARS HENCE. As you consider this offer that he thinks you "couldn't refuse", bear well in mind that his recent offer to ally with France against you was also conveniently broken in short order. Conversely, my offer of friendship was extended at YOUR need rather than my expedience. It has now been further substantiated by the dismantling of the vessels under construction in St. Petersburg. (You did notice the new tanks just built in Moscow; where do you think the metal came from?) And finally, it has been expanded by the measures discussed above. I look forward to our continued cooperation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (Pravda) --- "Vienna is Mine" Sayeth the Czar --- Commenting about the realignment in Europe, the Czar said, "Eastern Europe is in upheaval. With the rioting in Austria-Hungary and the downfall of the monarchy there, the other three regional powers are extending their borders. Turkey now occupies Bulgaria and will soon move into Greece and Serbia. Italy has moved into Tyrolia and will control Munich next year. We, of course, have taken over Rumania and Budapest, and will soon extend our borders to include Vienna. Stability should then ensue. The only remaining questions are the control of Bohemia and Trieste. Italy is currently considering whether to leave Bohemia for Russia in exchange for Russian non-interference in Trieste. Of course if that occurs, a Russian army would be maintained in Bohemia to continuously provide SUPPORT to an Italian army in Munich." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (AP) --- Accepting the Czar's invitation to dinner in Budapest today, Pope Joe Bob I announced that he would soon begin the arduous journey through Austria-Hungary. "Well, normally it wouldn't be such a big deal," Joe Bob told reporters, "except for the fact that I gotta take along a good supply of down-home cooking." Figures released later revealed that the Pope was taking along an entourage of several thousand chefs to provide food for the entire royal party, as well as several hundred "culinary advisors." When it was pointed out that such a trip might be dangerous, the Pope said that "Billy and his boys said that they'd clean out Trieste and Vienna for me -- providing, of course, the Russians want to give us a helping hand into Vienna." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Geneva (UPI) --- Reports from Austria have indicated that a massive "Elvis crackdown" has been instituted by the new secret "Austrian Instrumental Division" (AID), confiscating most copies of the King's records in only a few short days. In an official release today, the Austrian government claimed that "the minds of our citizens were being destroyed by the heavy beats, the loud guitars and that grating voice and thus we were forced into action." The AID has begun replacing all Elvis records with new copies of "Fresh Aire 46: Music to Brew Espresso By", a record which they say "more fits to the temperments of the Austrian citizens." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (Reuters) --- In his strongest statement yet in office, Pope Joe Bob I issued a strong censure against the Austrian government for their crackdown on Elvis. "Boys, I'm just plum struck speechless. I just don't know what kinda no-good bums would do this to... to... Elvis!" After uttering a long string of oaths, the Pope vowed that armies would soon be marching into Austria with copies of the new "Elvis: The Later Years" LP, to restore "the Elvisness of all Austria." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vienna (AP) -- World renowned psychic Jenny Dixie today came out with her most startling vision yet: today she announced that Rome has entered an alliance with the Devil himself! "I was in my trance, when I saw the church floating in the air, while off in the horizon, I saw a huge bear, almost completely blotting out the sky. And as I watched, a hand came out of the church and shook the bear's paw, as if making a deal, and as they did this, the bear grew bigger, with horns and a tail, almost swallowing up the church." Miss Dixie said that the church represented Rome, and the bear represented Russia; "Obviously, it was a warning that Russia may become too big and swallow up Italy. I've sent a personal message to the Pope urging him to stop any further large-scale Russian expansion." While the Pope acknowledged that he recieved Miss Dixie's message, he discounted it's effect. "Hell, the woman predicted that an actor will become president of the U.S. in a few years -- how can you believe someone who say that kinda nonsense?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (UPI) --- When asked about the Austrian occupation of Serbia in a personal interview today, Pope Joe Bob I replied that he was "strongly against it." He said that once the Elvis situation has been solved in Austria, he fully plans to visit the country and help the country regain it's independence. "Actually, I don't think its the Austrian's we gotta worry about," Joe Bob said, "but those Turks. Never know what they might pull -- gotta protect those citizens against any threat." Since the Serbians currently possess no indigious military force, the Pope promised to leave them an army to "use to defend themselves as long as they want." =============================================================================== MANHATTAN: Spring 1902 ---England----------------------------------Germany---------------------------- A LON S (F Lvp - Wal) |A KIE - Den BOUNCE (Swe) F Nwy - NTS |A Bur - BEL F Nts - HEL |A Mun - BUR F Lvp - WAL |F HOL S (A Bur - Bel) ---France-------------------------------|---Austria---------------------------- A SPA - Gas BOUNCE (Mar) |A SER S (A Vie - Bud) A Pic - PAR |A Vie - BUD A MAR - Gas BOUNCE (Gas) |F Tri H FAIL (Ret. ???) F Wal - ECH |---Turkey----------------------------- ---Russia-------------------------------|A Bul - GRE A Bud - RUM |A Con - BUL A GAL - Bud FAIL (1:2) |F Ank - CON A War - SIL |F Smy - AEG A Mos - SEV |---Italy------------------------------ A Sev - ARM |A BOH S AUS (A Vie H) NSO F Rum - BLA |A TYR S (A Ven - Tri) F SWE - Den BOUNCE (Kie) |A Ven - TRI ----------------------------------------|F Tun - ION --------------------------------------- Austrian F Tri can retreat to Adr or Alb, or it can disband. POSITIONS Austria: 3 A Ser Bud F ??? England: 4 A Lon F Nts Hel Wal France: 4 A Spa Par Mar F Ech Germany: 4 A Kie Bel Bur F Hol Italy: 4 A Boh Tyr Tri F Ion Russia: 7 A Rum Gal Sil Sev Arm F Bla Swe Turkey: 4 A Gre Bul F Con Aeg PRESS NORTHERN MONARCHS ANNOUNCE NEW COOPERATIVE SPIRIT AUSTRIAN KAISER ADMITS DEFEAT KAISER TURNS DEAF EAR TO BEAR/ POLISH ARMY MOVES CZAR OFFERS POPE "LINE OF PEACE" SULTAN ANGERS CZAR / TURKEY INVADED POPE JOE BOB ISSUES STRONG WARNING TO CZAR ROME ISSUES CALL FOR SOLIDARITY WITH TURKEY GERMAN AND ITALIAN SOLDIERS TRADE COOKING SECRETS BEATLES AGREE TO REUNITE TO ROCK THE SISTINE CHAPEL ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Foreign Office (Soleil) --- The following telegram was sent to the Czar after the very rewarding discussions by the English ambassador to Moscow. "My dear Czar, I am delighted to see that our two nations are getting along most cordially indeed, and was very heartened by the trust that you placed in us by refraining from building a new force in the north; your trust shall not be betrayed. I heed well your warnings of treacheries by the Kaiser and have ordered a full-scale offensive to commence in the spring. This will hopefully see English fleets in the North Sea and Helligoland Bight. If your Swedish force is unable to occupy Denmark then one of these will assist your fleet in the fall to obtain its objective; more detailed plans will be announced latter. If the move to Denmark meets with no resistance then your support into Kiel would be most appreciated should it prove feasible. Good luck in your southern campaigns and I look forward to many years of mutual co-operation." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vienna (AP) --- The press were invited to the palace of the Austrian Kaiser today for a conference with their ruler. The Kaiser seemed in good spirits although he rather morbidly issued a "last request wish list." Among other things he listed: - That the Sultan would wake up from his deep sleep and smell the roses. The Kaiser never was very good with metaphors, but what can you expect from the Quality? "To me," stated the Kaiser, "the roses smell like a Russian invasion of Turkey. The Tsar has insulted the Sultan, there is no threat from Germany or England, and there is such a massive build up of armies in the south that it can only mean one thing!" The Kaiser momentarily lost consciousness but babbled on, "Hopefully the Sultan will realize that Austria is more useful as an ally against Russia than as a single supply center gain that will be immediately lost. And may he realize that AGGRESSIVE ACTION IS NEEDED IMMEDIATELY!" - That Elvis would leave Austria and visit Moscow where, "He [sic] is sure to have fewer fans and more privacy." - That Pope Joe Bob should watch his weight if he wishes to wishes to join the ranks of world leadership. "Make sure to gain as much weight as possible so you will look like the rest of us who have indulged our whole lives! The restaurants in Munich should do nicely." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (Pravda) --- The 2nd Army of Poland has just been ordered into the German territory of Silesia. After trying to establish a non-aggression pact with Germany incorporating a demilitarized zone in Silesia, Prussia, and the Baltic Sea, but receiving no response from the Kaiser, the Czar was forced to assume that Germany could not be trusted and therefore took preemptive action to protect the Polish border. We still hope to conclude a pact establishing this demilitarized zone, at which point the army will be withdrawn. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Budapest (Pravda advance office) --- The Czar repeated his dinner invitation to the Pope but cautioned him against efforts to bring either Vienna or Bohemia into the Italian empire. "We've got a lot to talk about," said the Czar. "If we're going to work together we've got to be darn sure not to do anything that might threaten each other. Now Tyrolia and Trieste make sense. And if you want to expand north into Munich, or even Berlin, that's between you and Germany and none of my affair (unless, of course, you request my assistance). But if you have designs east of that line, then we better discuss things VERY carefully. By the way," added the Czar, "any military actions or pronouncements coming from Italy this spring can be readily reversed. I realize that until you witnessed my army's move into Armenia you may have felt a little uneasy about the possibility of a Russian-Turkey alliance." [gm note: yes, this *is* from Russia.] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (underground press transcript of meeting) --- "Enough of this idiocy! I've had it!!" screamed the Czar. "Your meeting with the Sultan down in Armenia didn't go well, I assume?" calmly asked the Commander of the Russian Armed Forces. "Didn't go well? Didn't go well??! First he suggests joint manuevers to southeastern Europe while sending his fleet into the Black Sea. Then he brings the useless thing right back to Ankara! How the hell is it going to support his army into Greece if the damn ships are sitting in Ankara?! To top it off, he then keeps his armies sitting around in Constantinople and Bulgaria gorging themselves and getting fat and lazy!!!" "He's young. He's not accustomed to military action. We can guide him ... help him along," said the Commander, trying to soothe the Czar's anger. "Yes. Yes. You've said it all before. I tried that once. Didn't I specify step by step what orders would prove most effective for him last Fall? Did he listen? Hell, NO! And do you know what that ingrate did now at our meeting. He yelled at me! He accused me of subversion for forming an army in Sevastipol! Imagine that. After trying to nurse him along month after month he's trying to give me lessons in military planning!! Enough! I can't take it any longer! ... Now, look ... I know you wanted to work with Turkey but we just can't afford the luxury of the Sultan's incompetence. These are dangerous times. What if France and Germany should overcome their differences and move eastward together? How much help do you think we'd get from Turkey for our defense? Not a goddamm ruble's worth. That's how much. Now take that new Italian leader, Pope Joe Bob. There's a man we can work with. He's not only an experienced military commander, but also a skilled diplomat in his own right. Why did you see how he picked up on that rumor started by the Austrian Emperor? He used it as on opportunity to suggest a partnership with us? There's a man who understands diplomatic subtlety. Sure, he's a little ambitious, asking us to leave Serbia for him, but hell, there's nothing wrong with ambition. I might even be willing to give him Serbia if I was sure we could count on his friendship. Even his cousin Billy Bob is all right. I remember how he pissed me off when he moved into Bohemia, but I've got to respect his chutzpah! No, damnit! The decision is made! Cancel the orders for the Sevastipol army. They're not going to the Ukraine, they're going to Armenia. And let's get the boys from Moscow down for reinforcements, too." "Wait a minute, here!" interjected the Commander. "I was counting on those troops to protect our northern border. We're wide open and defenseless up there without them!" "Yes. I realize that. But the English Prime Minister has promised us his friendship. Heck. I offered to help him when his back was to the wall. I'm confident he can be trusted. He's a man of honor. That's it. Do it! ... Oh, yeah ... and tell the boys going to Turkey that after the job's done the Turkish women are available for their pleasures ... if they can stand the stench!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Vatican (AP) --- In a press conference today, Cardinal Fred, new Minister of Foreign Affairs, said that the Italian government "strongly condemns" the proposed "Russian imperialism" in Eastern Europe this year. Citing the Russian's winter annoucements concerning Vienna, the Cardinal said that Pope Joe Bob I was "very concerned" over the size and intent of the Russian forces. "Frankly, I think it should be very obvious what is going on," Fred told reporters, "Russia is hoping to form a axis with Turkey and roll through Eastern Europe. Does he think we don't realize who would be next after Austria?" Fred then went on to say that if the Czar agreed to freeze or reduce his troop levels in Eastern Europe, the Pope would be more than happy to enter into joint military ventures. When a reporter from the New Sicilian Times asked about the Czar's offers of support in Munich, the Cardinal laughed. "I don't think it's likely we'll go pissing around in Germany anytime soon," he said. "It'd be kinda like fiddling while Rome burns down around our ears." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (UPI) --- During a diplomatic meeting with the Turkish ambassador today, Pope Joe Bob I called for a "new solidarity between our countries over this Russia thing." Pointing out that the large concentration of troops near Asia Minor and Eastern Europe threatened both Italy and Turkey, the Pope said that "now is the time for us to get together and make sure our good buddy the Czar doesn't go tromping around in our countries." The two men also discussed the movement of the Italian fleet into the Ionian sea, which the Pope said was a "neutral move" and one that was not aimed at interfering in Turkish/Grecian affairs. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tyrolia (Reuters) -- A quiet peace fell over the Munich/Tyrolia border today as Italian and German soldiers laid down their arms and joined together in the First Annual Italy/Germany Cookfest. Congregating along the border, soliders swapped culinary methods and secrets while cooking food to be distributed to the poor and homeless. The highlight of the Cookfest was the "Barbeque and Bratwurst Cookoff", where soldiers competed to create the best dish containing both foods (no mean feat). The winning soldier was Hank Capozzi of Naples, whose "BBQ & B Casserole" swept all the judges off their feet. "Well, shucks," Hank told the crowd, "all I did was toss 'em in there a cook it a little while." The Pope, visiting for the special occasion, expressed hope that Germany and Italy can continue this newfound spirit of cooperation. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Vatican (UPI) --- In an annoucement that sent shockwaves through young kids everywhere, Cardinal Eddie, Minister of Cultural Affairs, revealed that the Vatican has negotiated a deal for a "Beatles Reunion Concert" later this year in the Sistine Chapel. "Well, frankly, they were kinda reluctant at first," Eddie said, "but when we offered 'em the Sistine Chapel, we knew they'd have to bite. It's been over five years since Motley Crue played to a packed house there, and we thought that time and God were just on our side." The Beatles could not be reached for official comment, although an anonymous source reported John Lennon as agreeing to the concert only "if I get to put on those funky red robes the Cardinals wear." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scapa Flow Fishing Fleet can't decide twixt cod and haddock [F (Nor) -> NTH] London Light Barge Company sends black pudding to the Kaiser [F (NTH) -> HEL] 3rd Light Ekithumpers wish they where any but Bognor, but... [A (Lon) S ... ] ... the Anti-Pollution Squad go get them damned Froggies [F (Lpl) -> Wal] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scouse-Land (Soleil) --- Skipper James McLean of the new Anti-Pollution Squad had nothing but bad news to report with the French mobile waste disposal units continuing to dump assorted filth in around the scenic coast at Harlich. The local currents have been sending some of it northwards and an analysis by the APS revealed amongst the assorted culinary waste (Brunswick stew?) several thousand portions of black vinyl, which when pieced together by local experts were found to come from various Elvis records. Surely Pope Joe Bob can tell us more of this international conspiracy? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bognor Regis (Soleil) --- Private Puddin picked up his megaphone, and directing it westward spouted the following soliloquy. "Go on, out, scram, skiddadle, vamoos, away wi'ya, get lost, take them frogs legs back home, I'll tell ma big brother about ya, stinking continentals!" With such heated passions abound will there ever be peace between those age-old arch rivals, only time will tell. =============================================================================== MANHATTAN: Summer 1902 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ RETREATS Austrian F Tri disbands POSITIONS Austria: 2 A Ser Bud England: 4 A Lon F Nts Hel Wal France: 4 A Spa Par Mar F Ech Germany: 4 A Kie Bel Bur F Hol Italy: 4 A Boh Tyr Tri F Ion Russia: 7 A Rum Gal Sil Sev Arm F Bla Swe Turkey: 4 A Gre Bul F Con Aeg PRESS: ENGLISH MINISTER PRESENTS OCCUPATION PLAN TO CZAR ANTI-POLLUTION SQUAD REPORTS PROGRESS ENGLISH SOLDIERS DECLINE TO COMMENT TURKISH WOMEN PROMISE TO BATHE SULTAN SMELLS THE ROSES GERMANS BREAK SILENCE DEMANDING RUSSIAN WITHDRAWAL GERMANS SEEK ALLIANCE AGAINST TREACHEROUS BRITISH SULTAN KILLED IN TRAGIC ACCIDENT -- GRAND VIZIER TAKES OVER VIZIER SUPPORTS AUSTRIANS IN RUSSIAN STRUGGLE FRENCH BANISH TRAITOR ADMIRAL, REASSURE ENGLISH OF PEACEFUL INTENT AUSTRIAN LEADERS SEEK FRIENDS KAISER APOLOGIZES TO VIZIER CZAR CONVERTS TO CHRISTIANITY PRIME MINISTER AND CZAR DANCE TWO-STEP ITALY DECLARES NEUTRALITY IN TURKISH/RUSSIAN STRUGGLE POPE JOE BOB I UNVEILS NEW RUSSIAN PEACE PLAN GERMANY? FRANCE? ENGLAND? WHERE ARE THEY? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Foreign Office (Soleil) --- The Ambassador to Moscow reports this month of a rapid growth in east-west co-operation between those two great nations, Russia and Great Britain. Officials were sorry to note that the Kaiser still contested the right to annex Denmark but that, "what should we expect from a power-crazed war-monger, who's entire nation can't even come up with a decent black pudding between them". Now that the English fleets are fully mobilised the Czar can expect our full support to assist his occupation from Sweden. Naturally the direction from which this support will arrive will remain a closely guarded secret to prevent the German fleet in Holland from disrupting it. The Ambassador presented a four point plan that is hoped will be very soon agreed by both sides. It is (1) that Britain will support, and continue to support, the Russian attempts to liberate Denmark, until such a goal is successfully concluded. (2) that Russia will then return the complement by its devoted support until British fleets can capture Kiel. (3) that Britain will refrain from putting into port in Norway as a sign that it has no aggressive designs upon the Russian mother-land. (4) that Russia will keep Sweden similarly empty once the forces their have arrived in Denmark, and refrain from building any land forces in St Petersburg (though the building of a new fleet on the southern shores would not be seen as breaking this agreement provided that prior agreement and terms had been reached). The business discussions concluded, the Ambassador was then able to relax and enjoy the pleasant Russian summer whilst sipping the surprisingly good black tea, and having the odd glass of finest vodka. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harlech (Soleil) --- Captain James McLean was able to report that the clean-up operation of the vast pollution dumped by the French Garbage Company was proceeding very smoothly indeed. He issued further warnings to the French that continued attempts to pollute our waters would be met with the strongest response possible, and suggested that they sail down to the Iberian peninsula to dump the rest of their cargo. "If the French make a speedy withdrawal from our sovereign waters then it is possible that a more amicable stance between our two nations can be reach. If they persist in troubling us then they must expect the worst"; Captain McLean told our reporter. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bognor Regis (Soleil) --- "Go on yer daft bugger, git lost!"; was about the most coherent statement that we could obtain from Private Flatat. Many of the others where regarded as most definitely un-publishable. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ZURICH (AP) --- Reports from Ankara indicate highly unusual protests in the streets by the Turkish women. One representative said, "The Tsar's warning to the Russian soldiers was highly offensive. The sad truth is that most Turkish women have had no incentive to bathe regularly. The Turkish men don't deserve it! Now that we expect the arrival of new men we have taken to the streets to demand greater availability of soap and hot water. The Russian soldiers who come to Ankara will be quite pleased and have no desire to leave." In a related story from Constantinople the Sultan was seen shaking an angry fist towards Vienna and screaming, "Smell the roses? Of course I smell the damn roses! It's not bad enough I've got a Russian army being rammed down my throat. But on top of that I've got some wise-ass Austrian giving me sarcastic warnings three months after the fact. I'd like to stuff those f*?#i&g roses up his goddamn nose!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Berlin (Hochzeitung) --- The German government urgently requests the withdrawal of the Polish 2d Army from German soil. The German Empire is disinterested in eastern expansion and as such intends no threat to Russian interests. Assuming the withdrawal of Russian troops from German territory, Germany is willing to agree to the proposed demilitarization of Silesia and Prussia. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Berlin (Hochzeitung) --- The Kaiser today proposed a ceasefire on the Franco-German border, stating that "This war is getting us nowhere!" He furthermore suggested that France and Germany join forces against the overtly hostile England, leaders of whom have declared their hostility to all continental powers. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CONSTANTINOPLE (UPI) --- AAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH, said Sultan Ahmed the Peaceful when he heard that Russian army had violated Turkish sovereignty in Armenia and Russian navy was patrolling on the shores of Ankara and Constantinople. One of the Sultan's bodyguards drew his sword in order to kill the messenger but somehow mistook the Sultan for the messenger and killed him. There followed a short but bloody struggle when Sultan's 338 sons -- Sultan had four wives and innumerable concubines -- fought for power, killing each other in the process. Since there are no successors to the throne we are forced to take the affairs of Turkish state into our experienced hands. --- Ibdrahim the Wise, Grand Vizier (97 years) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ibdrahim the Wise, Grand Vizier (97 years) --- Next fall we will support Austrian attack from Serbia into Rumania. We also urge all nations of Europe to join our defensive struggle against Russian hordes. The Czar clearly wants to dominate all Europe. We must stop him before it is too late! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paris (Reuters) --- The Foreign Secretary today announced the successful "reorganization" of top Naval officers. Former Admiral of the Fleet Perrault sentenced by court-marshall to be "chained in Plymouth, and let the English take care of punishment". No comment from the mutineer was heard as the French fleet sailed out of harbor into the Channel as promised. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cherbourg (UPI) --- Newly appointed Admiral of the Fleet Giraud announced today that his fleet, now on manuevers in the Channel, would be headed to the coast of Belgium in support of the 3rd Light Ekithumpers, should the English decide to invade. "Anyway, we get a chance to shoot some of those scummy Huns", stated the Admiral. When asked if the English should fear a backdoor attack into London, Giraud replied "Absolutely not! Besides, if they're nervous about it they can always order the anti- Pollution squadron to Dover. That would make sense in the strategic sense anyway." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vienna (Bunker Press) --- A leak in the Austrian Army High Command released the strategic plan for the fall campaign to this reporter today. The leak confided that Vienna will be ceded to Italy in order to, "let them hotheads get at the Russki's!" In return the High Command would like an Italian evacuation of Trieste. This plan should have several effects, a) Austria will stay even with 3 centers which will allow an army to be built in Trieste (this will strengthen the defense against that imperialist b-----d), b) Italy will still be +1, c) Italy will be in a better position for attacking the Tsar, and d) Tyrolia and Bohemia will be free for other pleasures. The leak pointed out that Austria could have retreated its fleet to the Adriatic and "been a royal pain to Italy," but the High Command felt an Italian Austria was a lesser evil than a Russian Austria. The leak stressed the importance of attacks on Galicia and Rumania to keep Budapest from falling to the swine. To this end the SERBIAN ARMY WILL SUPPORT THE TURKISH ARMY FROM BULGARIA INTO RUMANIA and the Budapest army will support Bohemia into Galicia. As pointed out by the leak, this may not mean the fall of Rumania to the Turks but just the threat of it will hopefully slow down the Russian advance into Turkey. Of course, if the High Command sees a better plan in the summer press from Italy or Turkey they will follow that course. This plan will hopefully keep Russia from taking Budapest and Den/Ber/Mun. Since he has lost Budapest the gain of Ankara/Smyrna will only keep him even. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vienna (Good 'old Boys Press) --- The Kaiser says this to the Tsar, "D--n your eyes!" This to the German Kaiser, "Thank you for not giving the Tsar the red carpet treatment. Again, thank you!" And this to the Sultan, "My excuse is: who knows which way the wind is going to blow at the start of a gunboat game? Anyway, welcome to the club! Only close cooperation will stop the Russian juggernaut now. If you don't see this you will get what you deserve." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Galicia (new quarters of Pravda advance office, relocated from Budapest) --- "Well, I trust everything's now alright between us," the Czar said in his latest letter to Pope Joe Bob. "As I said in our last conversation, I expected harsh words and perhaps military actions from you in the spring. In fact, I think you exercised admirable restraint, which convinces me all the more that the confidence I place in you is justified. Now, on to the business at hand. The question is 'just how the hell do we coordinate actions when faced with 3-month delays in communications throughput and the near certainty that news agencies will intercept and publish our communications anyway?!' ... Some items on my list ... Your request that I freeze or reduce troop levels is an exaggerated position, of course, but indicates a reasonable concern -- yes, I will exercise restraint in growth and pay special attention to assisting the growth of the Italian empire. Let me start by renouncing my claim upon Vienna and Bohemia. I think that they, along with Trieste, will make excellent additions to your empire. You look to have some logistic, timing, and guessing problems this year, but as long as the Austrian forces do not expand next winter I suspect we'll be in good shape in those regions. You can count on my support if needed next year; the dramatic shift of my armed forces this spring does not permit it this year. One possible exception: although I doubt you have designs on Munich, if your current communication requests the support of my Bohemian army it shall be given. Some specific requests from me ... with low priority ... if your fleet in the Ionian has no important assignment, perhaps it can harass the Turkish army in Greece ... similarly if your army in Trieste could engage the Austrian army in Serbia without depriving you of needed effectiveness elsewhere, that would also be beneficial. In both cases I recognize that your military needs must take precedence, but we're both capable of recognizing whether their assigned actions are relevant or superfluous. May you live long and prosper, Your Eminence, and sooner or later we'll take a raincheck on that dinner I promised you in the mountains." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (Pravda) --- The Czar gave a statement concerning relations with England in Moscow Square: "The Prime Minister and I have an excellent relationship. Due to a misunderstanding with a French admiral the P.M. was forced to postpone the escort into Denmark that he promised our Swedish fleet, but he has assured me that the promise will be fulfilled this Fall. In return I have reaffirmed the Russian obligation to protect his Norwegian supplies and to assist his fleets in or into the North Sea, the Helgoland Bight, and Kiel as he instructs. Considering the difficulties that we are encountering in the war with Austria and Turkey, it is very nice indeed to have a friend in the north. His recent naval activity not only warrants respect for its military skill, but also eases the tensions and uncertainties that previously existed in Scandinavia. We both look forward to a many years of mutual cooperation." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Vatican (UPI) --- In a statement released today, the Italian government declared itself a "neutral actor" in the unfolding drama between Turkey and Russia. "While the government of Italy finds such acts of imperialism abhorrent," the brief read, "we currently lack the forces to become an active participant in the struggle." However, the Pope did personally promise that the Ionian fleet would not venture east "without a good reason." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (AP) --- In his most detailed discussion of Russian/Italian relations yet, Pope Joe Bob I today unveiled a new peace plan "to kinda quiet up the Balkans and Russia, if you know what I mean." In light of the unexpected developments in Turkey, the Pope said, he has developed a new set of proposals to submit to the Russian ambassador. Foremost among them is the question of Budapest and Trieste, which the Pope hopes will be their first theatre of cooperation. "Well, hell, as I look at it, we're probably gonna need a little help keepin' Trieste, and I'd just be tickled pink to help the Russians get back into Budapest -- it's a hell of a lot nicer than Galicia." Pope Joe Bob then continued on to say that he felt the Balkans could be easily divided between the two powers once these two territories were settled. One concern was expressed by the Pope over the problem of ownership of Vienna. "I know that the Czar won't like it, but I'm afraid General Billy Bob just has his heart set on spending the winter in Vienna." Pope Joe Bob said. The Pope pointed out that Russia's force is already numerically superior to that of Italy, and that probable military gains in Turkey and Scandinavia would only widen that gap. "Without some sort of numerical parity, I know what will happen -- we'll just be discarded like a used carburetor on the side of the road and overrun with Russian troops." the Pope said heatedly, unexplainedly pointing to a map of South America. As of yet, no Russian reply has been formulated. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Naples (Reuters) --- A new survey of Italian high school students has revealed a shocking lack of knowledge about basic European geographical and political facts. A full 78% of those students polled could not find the countries Germany, France or England on an outline map of Europe. Another 12% failed to realize that they were being shown an outline map of South America rather than Europe, of which 97% incorrectly identified Cuba as the United Kingdom. When asked about the current conflict between the three countries, 65% of the students said they knew nothing about it, 20% said they thought the three countries were friends and 15% said that they thought the soccer season was over. "I guess Italian's just aren't that involved with Western Europe," Pope Joe Bob I was quoted as saying when told of the figures. =============================================================================== MANHATTAN: Fall 1902 ---England----------------------------------Germany---------------------------- A LON - Bel ILL |A KIE - Ber BOUNCE (Sil) F NTS - Hol CUTS |A BEL S (F Hol H) CUT F HEL S RUS (F Swe - Den) |A Bur - MUN F WAL - Ech FAIL |F HOL S (A Bel H) CUT ---France-------------------------------|---Austria---------------------------- A Spa - POR |A SER S TUR (A Bul - Rum) NSO A PAR S (A Mar - Bur) |A Bud S ITA (A Boh - Gal) (Disband) A Mar - BUR |---Turkey----------------------------- F ECH S ENG (A Lon - Bel) NSO |A GRE S (A Bul H) ---Russia-------------------------------|A BUL S AUS (A Ser - Rum) NSO A RUM S (A Gal - Bud) |F CON S (F Aeg - Smy) A Gal - BUD |F Aeg - SMY A SIL - Ber BOUNCE (Kie) |---Italy------------------------------ A Sev - ARM |A BOH S (A Tyr - Vie) A Arm - ANK |A Tyr - VIE F BLA S (A Arm - Ank) |A TRI S (A Tyr - Vie) F Swe - DEN |F ION H ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- POSITIONS: Austria: 1 A Ser England: 4 A Lon F Nts Hel Wal France: 4 A Por Par Bur F Ech Germany: 4 A Kie Bel Mun F Hol Italy: 4 A Boh Vie Tri F Ion Russia: 7 A Rum Bud Sil Arm Ank F Bla Den Turkey: 4 A Gre Bul F Con Smy SUPPLY CENTERS:(New in caps, old in parens) Austria: 1 (Vie), (Tri), Ser England: 4 Lvp, Edi, Lon, Nwy France: 5 Mar, Par, Bre, Spa, POR Germany: 5 Ber, Mun, Kie, Hol, BEL Italy: 6 Ven, Rom, Nap, Tun, VIE, TRI Russia: 9 War, Mos, Sev, StP, Bud, Rum, Swe, DEN, ANK Turkey: 4 Con, Smy, (Ank), Bul, GRE BUILDS: France: 1 Germany: 1 Italy: 2 Russia: 2 PRESS: MUTINY OF TURKISH ARMY IN GREECE ? ITALY ISSUES FORMAL APOLOGY TO AUSTRIA RUSSIA AND ITALY SCHEDULE MEETING IN ROME DESPITE OFFERS, ITALY REMAINS NEUTRAL IN TURKISH CONFLICT ENGLISH ARMY LOST AT SEA BRITISH WELCOME RUSSKIS TO DENMARK GARBAGE CLEANUP CONTINUES FRENCH EX-ADMIRAL BEACHED ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (This is a confidential report the Swiss ambassador to Turkey sent to Bern. Due to the confusion in Constantinopole it was accidentally sent in a public channel.) There has been rumors that the Turkish army in Greece refused to be convoyed to Smyrna. According to high-level Turkish officials the following messages was exchanged between Grand Vizier Ibdrahim the Wise and general Abdul Alhazred, commander of the Turkish army in Greece. Abdul Alhazred: "What? You expect us to go to fight Russians in Smyrna when the beautiful country of Greece is open for rape and pillage?" Ibdrahim: "I understand your eagerness to protect the Greeks from Italian pirates but I think that stopping Russians in mainland Turkey is more important." Abdul Alhazred: "Protect the Greeks? Are you crazy? We want to pillage all of Greek before the Russians can take it." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ibdrahim the Wise, Grand Vizier: We hope that Italy will join Austria and Turkey to fight the Russians. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rome (UPI) --- Following the accidental shipping from Rome to Vienna of incorrect movie reels intended for Austrian theatres, the government of Pope Joe Bob I has issued a formal apology to the people of Austria. "We're real sorry," a spokesman for the government said, "and it won't happen again." Apparently, instead of shipping the newest installment in the Jason saga, "Friday the 13th Part XXII: Jason Does Russia" (an inspirational tale of a young Austrian army recruit), Papal Movies Ltd. shipped a large portion of it's old "spagetti Western" collection in a huge inventory slip-up. Consisting of movies with titles such as "The Good, The Bad and the Really Tacky" (starring Wayne Newton as the mysterious, polyester-wearing Man with No Taste) and "A Fistfull of Quarters" (the story of the mysterious Man with No Change, looking for a place to launder his poncho), the movies caused a near riot in Vienna. "They suck," one moviegoer reported, "who wants to see Wayne Newton doing anything?" Appended onto the end of the apology was a small postscript which read: "P.S.- Sorry we had to refuse your offer -- it was too late." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vatican City (AP) --- Cardinal Wendy, new Secretary of Foreign Affairs, announced today that the leaders of Russia and Italy have set a date to meet at the Vatican to discuss the Balkan situation, as well as other general concerns. "After the willingness of the Tsar to work with us, we've decided its time to have a pow-wow over this whole European thing." the Cardinal told reporters. "The concessions over Vienna pleased the Pope very much, and assuming that the move into that territory is successful, we would be glad to help the Tsar to reclaim Budapest." the Cardinal continued, also stressing that parity between forces was still a primary issue in Rome. "We think that growth for both powers should stay roughly equal, thus avoiding any complications caused by the mix of troop imbalances and ambition." When asked about possible future cooperation with Russia in Central Europe and Turkey, the Cardinal replied that "the Italian government currently holds no definite plans for either territories at the moment. Basically, we're telling Russia 'When you're ready, make us an offer'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Naples (Reuters) --- While vacationing in Naples during the fall season, Pope Joe Bob I has strongly denied that he has been considering offers for cooperation in the Turkish conflict. "We're definately neutral -- don't want to go sticking our neck where it don't belong." the Pope told reporters. Both sides of the conflict have sent diplomatic messages to Rome requesting help against the other power, but continued commitments of Italian forces in the north have made it impossible to become involved in the struggle, an anonymous source within the Vatican told reporters. "We're kinda committed in Austria," the source said, "we just don't have the forces to start makin' trouble." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3rd Light Ekithumpers go for a paddle with bucket and spade [A (Lon) -> Bel] London Light Barge Company helps the good old Czar [F (HEL) S RF (Swe) -> Den] Scapa Flow Fishing Fleet tries a sneak raid on Rotterdam [F (NTH) -> Hol] Anti-Pollution Squad carries on trying to clear up the mess [F (Wal) -> ENC] ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Foreign Office (Soleil) --- To my dearest chum, the Czar of all Russia: "Well old chap, I do so hope that you have taken full advantage of my support into Denmark. I suppose it is possible that the cadish Kaiser has kept you from entering, but I'm sure he had more things to think about than that. I doubt that Britain will be in a situation to expand its naval forces this winter, but there is a slim chance that we could have shnuck into Rotterdam at the dead of night when nobody was looking. If that is the case then the new fleet will be built in Edinburgh, for the continued protection of the North Sea. Hope you had a good season, The Prime Minister of Great Britain." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Harlech (Soleil) --- Captain James McLean said in a telex to Fleet Admiral Giraud yesterday: "Now look here my dear fellow, I agree that you have gone some way to help repair the damage that has been caused to the English coast line but there is a lot more to be done. Until our boys have had a chance to clear up the filth in the English Channel we cannot be satisfied that the work is complete. I'll admit that there has been some strong rhetoric exchanged between our two nations but surely you can see that England only has military intentions against Germany. Don't believe a word that the Kaiser tells you. How many times has he offered you a peace treaty and then invaded French soil? Toodle pip old bean, look forward to hearing from you soon." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dover (Soleil) --- "Ay up mate! Look at that damn froggy geezer that they gone an left behind. Ain't'e got a posh uniform?" The 3rd Light then pounced upon ex-Admiral Perrault and buried him up to his chiny-chin-chin in the fine sands of Dover [Surely some mistake there, Ed]. "Tee hee! Now all we got to do is wait until the tide comes in...." The lads then picked up their buckets, spades, and inflatable water beds and decided to have a race to the continent for a dare. Stupid idiots; at the last report at least 50% were listed as either drowned or missing. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (Pravda) --- "Did you hear about the Kaiser's request?" asked the Czar in his latest letter to the Prime Minister. "After ignoring my suggestion of a demilitarized zone between Germany and Russia for more than a year, now that he has foreign forces closing in on him from all sides he finally finds his voice. The funny thing is that even in his current predicament, he still cleverly distorts his proposal, conveniently overlooking the Baltic Sea. Just a little too cute for my liking, particularly after his recent record with his other neighbors. Your Sir William put it appropriately, with his unique knack for double- entendre. I suspect the Kaiser is finding himself 'hoist upon his own petard'. Perhaps you should pass that message along to him ... along with the Oxford Dictionary so he can understand it! While I'm talking of Germany let me convey my intentions for the army in Silesia. I do not plan on mounting an organized or supported attack on Germany. What I do plan is to keep the army in Silesia and intermittently attack either Munich or Berlin. I suspect that these attacks will be parried, thereby releasing the defense of the Lowlands. It's always possible that the Kaiser will miscalculate and let my army slip through. If that happens don't expect an apology -- I intend to enjoy such supplies while they last. What I do promise is not to reinforce such a position, assuring that it will be short-term. On to other matters ... your Ambassador has presented a four-point plan. It gives me great pleasure to accept it, in its entirety, and in both letter and spirit. Finally, I must confess to growing rather fond of Scotch, so much so that the three cases you sent last month are almost gone. Could I impose upon you to replenish my supplies? I shall of course reciprocate with our finest vodka. Oh, and this time none of your damn British fish, my friend. The Imperial Palace is overrun with cats!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moscow (transcript of meeting) --- "You hear about the Sultan's death?" queried the Commander of the Armed Forces. "Alas poor Ahmed! I knew him, Horatio," responded the Czar. "Horatio? Who the hell is Horatio?" The Commander looked bewildered. "Oh, never mind. I just finished a letter to the Prime Minister and I've still got Shakespeare on the brain. Yes. I was disappointed to hear of his accidental death. My last words to him were really quite harsh and I was thinking of apologizing. Perhaps we can do something for this old gheezer who's now in charge, what's his name?" "Ibdrahim the Wise. You're not having second thoughts about our invasion of Turkey, are you?" "Oh, no, no. Of course not. We'll soon conquer the entire Turkish empire as planned. It's just that ... well maybe we can set this Ibdrahim up in a nice chateau in Syria." "Hold on there!" interrupted the Commander, "a little premature with your victory celebration, aren't you? Our boys in Rumania are getting their butts kicked by both Austrian and Turkish soldiers right now." "Yea. I know. But that's only a short-term setback. Joe Bob's troops are taking control of most of Austria now. If we recapture Budapest we'll help him take Vienna and Trieste. If we don't, it means that he will have secured both of those regions and he promised to help us take Budapest next year. Meanwhile our march into Turkey will continue. They can't hold out long without Austrian support. "You know," continued the Czar, "the more I plan strategy with Joe Bob, the more certain I am that we can work well together. Did you notice that last summer we both sent nearly identical messages to each other? With these damn communications delays it's nice to know that we're on the same wavelength. And it doesn't hurt that he has connections upstairs either. I laughed and wondered about his sanity when he told me that he was praying that the Austrian fleet would hit the rocks and sink into the Adriatic while escaping the Italian attack on Trieste. But I'll be damned if that isn't exactly what happened! Yes, sir, I think that bodes well for us both." =============================================================================== That's all for this issue! Cheers! Lord Valentine Up