En Garde! From: Andy.Bolstridge@newcastle.ac.uk (A. Bolstridge) Date: Mon, 14 May 1990 14:20:33 +0000 'Ere it ees, le famous Newspaper everyone in gay Paris ees talkin' about. JANUARY 1673 TELLING THE TRUTH NO MATTER 'OW MUCH IT 'URTS.... *** *** ***** ******* ** ** ******* ********** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** * ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ** ** ******* ** ** ** ** **** ** ** ** **** ** ** ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** * ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** * ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ********* ** ** ***** ** ****** ** ** ** #10 **************************************************************************** BY APPOINTMENT TO 'IS MAJESTY KING LOUIS (HOORAY!) et zee Czars of Russia ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------- FIRE AT LASPURT OFFICES ------------------ ------------------- ------------------ ------------------- DUTCH DEVILS ARE SEEN LEAVING SCENE BY ------------------ ------------------- ------------------ ------------------- TWO LASPURT EMPLOYEES ------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gentlemen of Paris, zere 'as been un most, most disturbeen' incident this month. Ze offices of LaSpurt were infiltrated et set on fire. ----- ORANGE THURSDAY ----- Ze incident 'appened on thursday 24th January 1973. Zis day ees to be set aside by ze King(hooray!!) 'eemself, et weel be known as Orange Thursday. Ze perpatrator of zis dastardly deed must be found et recieve 'is due rewards. Indeed beeen' releaved of 'is manhood ees not enough- 'e must be releaved of 'is 'ead- at ze very least! ----- BRAVE EMPLOYEES ESCAPE 'ARM ---- Indeed, as zis treacherous act was takeen' place two LaSpurt employees were 'ard at work inside ze offices. Both monself et ze Snr Journo Louis De Fleurville were putteen' le finisheen' touches to our reports. Ze folloween' is a reconstruction of ze events of Orange Thursday. Time - 1800 'rs, Place - LaSpurt Central Office. Louis - " 'urry up et finish zat bl**dy report Pepe. Ah want to get down to Mme Miggins' by 'alf past." Pepe - " Do not rush moi Louis, vous arquebusiers wouldn't know un piece of well written art if vous found un copy of "Le Prince" in yeur gun barrel." Louis - " But Ah could not fit ze Prince in mon gun barrel idiot!" Pepe - " "Le Prince" ees a book by un very famous author, stupide!" Louis - " What author?" Pepe - " Macky Velly..... Ah think." Louis - " What was zat?" Pepe - " What?" Louis - " Ah thought Ah heard un noise downstairs!" Pepe - " No, ze noise vous 'eard was ze simple tickeen' of yeur brain, thug!" Louis - " Couldn't 'ave been ze tickeen' of MY brain - MY brain ees as well oiled as ze barrel of mon gun 'ere."(Clang of gun against desk.) Pepe - " Oh, really? Well mon wits are as sharp as ze blade of MY sword!" Louis - " Zat un threat?" Pepe - " Wait un minute, it does seem most inexplicable, but vous may be right for once, stupid. Ah do believe Ah heard sometheen' then. Et what's zat funny smell. 'ey, 'ow longs it since yeur last bath, vous smelly git!" Louis - " Non I don't zink it is moi....but Ah do seem to recognise zat smell!" Pepe - " Yes......." Louis - " Smoke?" Pepe - " Smoke!?!" Louis - " SMOKE!!!!!!" Pepe - " S**T, zat means zere's a....." Louis et Pepe together - " FIRE!!!!!!" Louis - " Quick, what do nous do?" Pepe - " Mon report!! Oh quick, save mon report!" Louis - " *** yeur report, what about ze money. Ummm, Mr. Murdash's money?" Pepe - " Yes, ze money.. ze safe ees down 'ere n'est ce pas?" Louis - " Well, Ah wouldn't know." Pepe - " Oui here it ees behind ze picture of ze King(Hooray!!)." Louis - " But, it's locked!" Pepe - " Of course it's bl**dy locked, wouldn't be much of un safe otherwise, would it? Now, quiet un minute, fool!" Louis - " What do vous mean quiet, let's get out of 'ere!" Pepe - " Shhhhh. 20 (clickclickclick) 04 (clickclickclick) 25 (clickclickclang) 'a! Got it!"(Door to safe swings open.) Louis - " 'ow ze bl**dy 'ell did vous know zat!!!!" Pepe - " Lucky guess. It's, umm, Rupard's....birthday!" Louis - " Quick, grab ze dosh et let's get out of 'ere." Pepe - " 'ey! What's.......this?" Louis - " Un pair of Frilly underpants avec ... Pierre B. embroidered on zem." Pepe - " Urrrr! Leave 'em to burn!" Louis - " Right, let's leg it!" Pepe - " Just un minute, Ah think Ah can see someone zrough ze smoke. Oi, who are vous? Do vous need assistance?" Small, low stooped m'suir seen zrough smoke - " Mo, Ah da net nyd aneee assiztence." Louis - " 'e 'as un Demonic Dutch Devils accent. Scum! Get 'eem!" Louis' gun - "BOOOOOOOOM" Louis - " Neece gun, pretty gun. <smooch>" Pepe - " Non vous fool. Vous missed!" Louis - " Come on, lets leave 'eem to fry!" Pepe et Louis leave ze burneen' buildeen' before ze fire really takes hold. Zeir brave deed completed. ----- RUPARD RELIEVED ----- Rupard was pleased to see zat fortunately most of ze money was recovered, et zat no-one was 'urt in ze fire(appart from ze Demonic Dutch Devils Traitor, hopefully). ----- REPORTS LOST ----- Unfortunately, 'owever, all reports were lost, apart from Pepe's which is appended to zis rather reduced LaSpurt. All advertisement costs weel be either re-imbursed or passed on to next month. Yeur brave, intrepid reporter(and editor for zis month), _____ _____ _____ _____/ / // / // /____//___ /____//___ / / / / / /____ / /____ . -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Un TRIP TO SEE THE DELIGHTS OF Mme MIGGIN'S CAKE SHOPPE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Ah arrived at ze beautifully ornate frontage of Mme Miggins Cake shoppe early saturday morning. Ze birds were singeen' their sweet morneen' song, ze leaves were rustleen' on ze trees et un few quick gasps, pants et groans filled ze air. Wait un minute where did zat sound come from? It's spreen' and there aren't any leaves on ze trees yet. Oh well, mine ees not to wonder why. Ah walk to ze door et just as Ah go to grab ze 'andle , it opens. ---- AN UNEXPECTED MEETING ---- " Sir Teefied! What are vous doeen' here so early in ze morning?" " Ah well Ah just could not resist ze delights of Mme Miggins's. Damned tasty, especially ze leetle Triflette. Just goeen' to sample ze delights yeurself Pepe?" " No, I've been asked to come et report on ze workings of Mme M's for LaSpurt. Ah may be asked to 'elp fill un few avec cream later on if I'm lucky." " Oh, perhaps vous'll be asked to fill un few cakes as well." " Urr, Ah was talkeen' about ze cakes actually Sir." " Oh, Ah see, excuse moi . Au revoir!" Well at least ze rumours around town about Sir Teefied aren't true. Vous know not 'aveen' a mistress for such un long time. Well Ah suppose gossips weel be gossips. ---- FANNY AT RECEPTION AS ALWAYS ---- As Ah entered Mme M's zat old familiar smell came mon way once plus- freshly grilled fish cakes! Ahh, beautifull! At reception, sitteen' on ze counter stood one of Mme M's best tarts. Un well curved leetle number avec two of France's finest cherries to finish off. " 'ello Pepe, weel it be ze usual order again. I'd be most 'onoured to oblige, vous know." " Um," (cough,splutter), "no I'm not too 'ungry today zankvous, Fanny. I'm on official LaSpurt buisness actually." " Ahh, Ah see. Vous want to see Mme Miggins 'erself zen, Pepe. She's through ze zird door on ze right. Be sure to see moi before vous leave zough, vous know, when vous ettes off duty." " Uhh, yes, well, see vous later Fanny." ---- MADAME MIGGINS' OFFICE ---- Ah walk down ze plush red carpeted 'all to Mme M's room, knock on ze door et walk in. Mme M ees sat at 'er large desk wrappeen' some silk garments up. Mme M ees middle aged, very good lookeen' and just about ze most up front lady in all of Paris, no, indeed, all of France." " 'ello Pepe Darling!" " 'ello Mme. Whatever are vous doeen' there?" " I'm just updateen' my lingerie stock. Which one do vous prefer Pepe? I know vous prefer black see-throughs but zis leetle pink number ees rather fetching." " Mais Oui, right Mme."(just another of 'er perversions, always on ze look out for un new recipe, never un dull moment at Mme M's. Either zat or all this 'ard bakeen' has finally made 'er flip.) " Ah congratulate vous on yeur excellent duel ze other day Pepe. Ah hear yeurs ees so big vous struggle to 'old it in two 'ands!" " Yes, zankvous madame, Ah wouldn't say it was zat big zough. Well, I'm not ze boasteen' sort anyway."(Always got sex on ze mind 'as Mme M.)," I'd like to ask vous some questions for LaSpurt if vous don't mind, Mme." " Fire away zen Pepe." ---- EXCITEMENT OVER 'KINKY' MASKS ---- " Vous were raided last month by zis new villain in gay Paris, Le Devil Verte. 'ow much did 'e take?" " Oui it was quite exciteen' actually. 'e made away avec a couple of tarts but it was ze 'ighlight of ze week for me. Ah think zese masked gentlemen are quite monsteriously allureen' and kinky." " Et what did ze other meestresses zink of it?" " Ze two zat were taken came back et said zat zey rather enjoyed le experience. Zey said it just goes to show it's not what vous 'ave got but what vous do avec it zat matters." ---- MADAME MIGGINS' LARGE BAPS ---- " 'ow ees le buisness comeen' along. Ah hear zere was un bad 'arvest last year et zat many of ze bakeries are findeen' it 'ard to survive, but vous merely seem to 'ave expanded yeur chain of patisseries." " Yes, strangely ze bad 'arvest 'as not affected mon business at all. Actually I'm 'opeen' to open un new shoppe called 'Mme Miggins' Large Baps shoppe'." " Yes, zat certainly weel be un fitteen' testement to yeur large baps madame."(although just 'ow she finds anytheen' to fit zem ees beyond me.) ---- GIRLS ENJOY SERVING MEN ---- " Of course nous all admire yeur sterleen' work employeen' le poor meestresses from ze streets, workhouses et ze Bastille." " Indeed, most of ze poor zings are in un terrible state when zey get here. But Ah soon get zem eento shape, give zem some neece pretty clothes, free meals et most importantly of course un good bed at night. Ah look upon mon business very much as un kind of charity work, et ze meestresses certainly do enjoy serveen' honorable men such as yeurself Pepe." ---- ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS ---- " It ees said madame, zat vous 'ave never served anyone before, ees this 'curz vous 'ave always been too preoccupied avec yeur buisness et charity work?" " Uh, well, perhaps zat ees best answered by actions rather zan words Pepe." " Now now madame, please! Ah am on official LaSpurt business vous know. Madame, oh madame, oh .............." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do not worry readers, next week yeur brave, intepid reporter Pepe weel continue in 'is bid to go where non other 'as gone before! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----- DUELS FOR THIS MONTH ----- All data lost due to fire. Vous know who vous ettes. DUELLING TABLES Duellist P W L D Points Maj.Roger de Mal 3 2 1 0 6 Sub.Henri du Bonnet 2 2 0 0 6 Lt.Col.Pierre B'stard 2 2 0 0 6 Cap.Claude de la Crouton 2 2 0 0 6 Cap.Henri Couchon-Merde 2 1 1 0 3 Col.Adjuste d'Anneaux 1 1 0 0 3 Maj.Pepe le Phew-tous 1 1 0 0 3 Major.Bic de la Biro 1 1 0 0 3 Cap.Jean D'arme de Lieu 1 1 0 0 3 Cap.Phileas F.Flashheart 1 1 0 0 3 Lt.Col.Louis de Fleurville 2 0 2 0 0 Cap.Yves St.Laurent 1 0 1 0 0 Sub.Claude Lefebreve 1 0 1 0 0 Maj.Zakery Napolean-Brie 1 0 1 0 0 Cap.Pierre-Henri Charon 1 0 1 0 0 Cap.Etienne Rouge-Barbe 1 0 1 0 0 Maj.Ricard De Fromage 1 0 1 0 0 Lucien Bonnard 1 0 1 0 0 Sub.Bernard le Snob 1 0 1 0 0 ================================================================================ @ Rupard de Murdash productions 1673. All mail/problems/etc. to either Jeffy le Dude (manageen' ed.) or Pierre B'stard (ed.)(????) Referenced By Up