La Spurt, the paper from Paris. From: A.C.Crook@newcastle.ac.uk (A.C. Crook) Date: Mon, 29 Oct 1990 15:04:57 +0000 ############################################################################### ## THE ALL NEW SINGING AND DANCING ## ############################################################################### ## ## ## # ### #### #### # # #### ##### ## ## # # # # # # # # # # # ## ## # ##### ### #### # # #### # ## ## # # # # # # # # # # ## ## #### # # #### # ### # # # ## ## ## ############################################################################### ## MAY 1673 STILL AS CHEAP AS EVER ## ############################################################################### PAPER TO THE KING AND PARIS ############################################################################### ## ## ## LA SPURT CHANGES INTO NEW OWNERSHIP AS ## ## ## ## WAR `ERO ## ## ## ## **** **** **** **** **** **** ***** * * **** * * **** ## ## * * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * * ## ## **** ** **** ** **** ** * * * **** * * * *** ## ## * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** * ## ## * **** * **** * * **** * *** * * * * **** ## ## ## ############################################################################### Yes, Pepe le Phew, cousin of Pepe le Phew-tous, has returned to Paris. There was a most emotional scene as the two embraced each other after running the length of the Champs Elysee. The last time Pepe was seen he was being run through by a Russian on the field of battle. Apparently the Russian had missed him totally between his arm and his body but a nearby shell had knocked him unconcious. It is revealed that Pepe awoke lost on the field of battle and , only being semi-concious, wandered aimlessly for several days with only his two-handed sword for company. When eventually he came to his senses he realised he had entered into the largest beach he had ever seen. Remembering his childhood training he immediately searched for the coastline. Unfortunately all that poor brave Pepe found was a patch of water, with odd looking trees, that resembled a pond more than the sea. At this instant he was set upon by two huge humped demons which he beheaded instantly with quick flash of his trusty sword. Then two dark skinned infidels, with dirty rags tied round their heads, came at him with funny curved sabres muttering in some strange magical tongue but just stood horrified as Pepe carved them up with his huge two-hander. Then Pepe thought he had fallen under one of these demons spells as he saw a huge horde of beautiful women running toward him. But it was no mirage it was real and they were soon admiring his great big tool. He soon learned that they were uncivilised because they were unable to speak in French. So he spent several months teaching them as best he could and in return they led him back to Paris and littered him with all the gold he could carry. The King met Pepe in person where-upon he commended Pepe for his bravely beyond the call of duty and Knighted him forthwith. Pepe, former journo for La Spurt noted its sad decline and made Rupard an offer for the paper which Rupard found it impossible to resist. Pepe then made myself (Robert De Maxwell) the editor, a role which I am most honoured to accept. Pepe did not stay long in gay Paris, however, he left me in charge of La Spurt saying he was leaving Paris to go "somewhere", and seemed most secretive about the whole thing. He just said it was for King(hurrah) and country. Perhaps we are to here more from Pepe in the future!! Any new suggestions or Ideas for La Spurt from any of you brave gentlemen of Paris will be looked at most closely, and who knows, maybe you could be offered a job writing for the best paper in Paris. Robert De Maxwell.(Your new editor). ############################################################################### ## ## ## ARE THERE ## ## ## ## * * * ***** *** * * **** **** ## ## * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * * * * * * ***** ** *** ## ## * * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * * * * *** * * **** **** ## ## ## ## * * * **** *** **** * **** *** ## ## * ** * * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * * * * **** ***** **** * *** * ## ## * * ** * * * * * * * * ## ## * * * * * * * * * **** * ## ## ## ############################################################################### Since our last issue the warning about the foul temptors of Hell has gone unheeded. This paper now has firm and conclusive evidence that witches walk abroad in Paris. For even as the Gay Holiday Makers returned from sunning themselves in the South , Signs of demonic influence are already manifesting themselves. Because did not old Madame Pepperpot see THIRTEEN Black Crows making a loud and raucous noise ? Indeed she did. And was not Satan himself, seen in the guise of a goat, observed wandering the streets of Paris late at night ? Indeed he was. And is not true that the Dread beast of KirLanOg ( A beast with the Horrible chewy teeth , which can leap) been Observed by a Msr. T. Zee Enchanteur savagely murdering people in their beds ? Indeed it has !!!! Can there be any doubt at all the dark times are upon us. Why we hear even Shrubbers (Those who design, plant and arrange shrubberies) are under considerable economic pressure at this period of History. /\ POTRAIT OF A WITCH / \ / \ Witches are traditionally supposed {{ ) to live secluded lives. Nothing is {}{ O____ Further from the Truth. The modern {{}} ____> witch is far more at home in the city }{}{} -< where with their hell bought powers }{}{} | \> they try to gain power and wealth to }{}{| | undermine the very principles of our A Potrait of the Witch noble Christian society for their master Satan who we all know is but that infamous rougue HERTZ VAN RENTL !!!!! THAT DEVIL HERTZ REALLY IS THE DEVIL !!!! Yes It's true that miserable traitor HERTZ has been proved to be OLD NICK himself. Due to Secret Diaries uptil now undiscovered .We will exclusively reveal that Hertz Van Rentl "Signed his NAME in the BOOK" and also encourged others to do likewise, How he once asked a grocer for.... " BLOODY milk for his cat Tiddles" (a mixture of HUMAN BLOOD and HUMAN MILK to feed his demonic familar) SO BUY NEXT MONTHS LA SPURT TO FIND OUT THE TRUE AND HORRIFIC DETAILS OF SATANS LIFE IN PARIS !!! ############################################################################### ## ## ## * ***** * **** * * *** **** * ## ## * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * * *** * * * ***** **** * ## ## * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * * **** * * * * * * * ## ## ## ## AS BRAVE LA SPURT TEA BOY SAVES PARIS ## ## FROM SPANISH INFILTRATORS ## ## ## ############################################################################### Yes, great people of Paris, the old Commissioner Of Public Safety has finally been given the proverbial boot. Of course your intrepid reporter(s) of La Spurt were first on the scene, once again, to interview the replacement. BUT AS WE WILL SEE - MUCH GREATER THINGS WERE AFOOT!! Reginald, the tea boy (and our only employee left after the slight restructuring at La Spurt), turned up at the grand Offices Of Public Safety. He was stopped at the door by a burly, hairy doorman(who we were later relieved to hear had unfortunately missed his daily shave): Gorilla, oh sorry, Doorman: 'Ere where d'ya think you are going? Reg: I am 'ere to see the new Commissioner! Doorman: I am sorry he is a very busy man, very busy, I am sure he has no wish to see a mere tea boy! Reg: How d'you know I'm a tea boy? Doorman: It says so on your hat. I can read y'know. Reg(under breath): Well that's something I suppose. Doorman: What? Reg: Uhhh...nothing, nothing, got a bad cold. Doorman: Well I 'ope that's all it is. There's the plague round near these parts! Reg: Oh you silly skinnnnnniggot, let me in, I'm from La Spurt. Look I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. Jarring chord. The door flies open and a robed figure appears in the doorway, flanked by two others. Robed figure: Nobody expects the Spanish Inqu....oops I didn't say that. (exit and exeunt) Jarring chord. They burst in. Robed figure: Nobody expects the Commissioner of Public Safety! My chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise...my two weapons are fear and surprise...and a ruthless efficiency. My three weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, no I mean King(hurrah) ...My four..no...amongst my weapons...amongst my weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise ...I'll come in again. (exit and exeunt) Reg: I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition. Jarring chord. They burst in. Commissioner Of Public Safety (?): Nobody expects the Spanish Inqu...(damn what a giveaway)...the Commissioner Of Public Safety. Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the PoeeearKing(Hurrah), and nice red uniforms -(Damn thats a double giveaway).I-I can't say it, you'll have to say it. 2nd Robed figure: What? C.O.P.S. (??): You'll have to say that bit about 'our chief weapons are...' 2nd Robed figure: I couldn't do that... C.O.P.S. (???) bundles the other two robed figures outside. Reg: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. They all enter. 2nd Robed Figure: Er...um...nobody... C.O.P.S. (????)(!): Expects. 2nd Robed Figure: Expects...Nobody expects the...er...um...Spanish um... C.O.P.S. (?????)(!!): Commissioner. 2nd Robed Figure: I know...I know. Nobody expects the er...um... Inquisitor of Pub...oops I mean the Commissioner of Public Safety. In fact those who do expect... C.O.P.S. (??????)(!!!): Our chief weapons are... 2nd Robed Figure: Our chief weapons are...er...er... C.O.P.S. (Lots of ?)(!!!!): Surprise. 2nd Robed Figure: Surprise and... C.O.P.S. (Lots of ?)(Lots of !): Stop! Stop there! Stop there. Whew! Our chief weapon is surprise, blah, blah, blah, blah. Cardinal, read the charges. Cardinal (?): You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church...oops I meant King(hurrah). C.O.P.S. (Suspected Spanish infiltrator): That's enough! (to Reg) Now, how do you plead? Reg: I'm innocent. C.O.P.S. (Definite Spanish infiltrator): Ha! Ha! Ha! DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER Spanish Infiltrator (C.O.P.S.): We'll soon change your mind about that! MORE DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER Spanish Traitor (We knew it all along!): Fear, surprise and a most ruthless... (controls himself with supreme effort) oooooh! Now Cardinal, the rack! Spanish Cardinal: He's gone...he's bleedin' scarpered...after him! At this point, Reg beat a hasty retreat, closely followed by three robed maniacs and a lumbering, hairy guard. He was last seen heading towards the barracks of the King's Musketeers (after dropping off this report at La Spurt offices) shouting: " THE SPANISH! THE SPANISH ARE COMING...LOCK UP YOUR WIVES AND HIDE YOUR CHICKENS! ITS WAR! " Once again, La Spurt brings you the news before anyone else. Reg has been promoted to head tea boy (If we can find him again). *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** STOP PRESS *** We have just received a late report from the King's Musketeers. The aforementioned guard was captured trying to cross the Spanish border, following a lengthy chase across France, however the three robed figures have disappeared mysteriously and not been seen since. (Nor has Reg for that matter). The Musketters stormed the Offices Of Public Safety and found the new Commissioner, along with his guards, bound and gagged in the cellar to some comfy chairs. Also some most secret documents were found to be missing from the files. This was seen to be a huge and unforgivable act of utter incompetence and the Commissioner and all his staff have been sacked forthwith. We promise you a proper interview with the new Commissioner some time in the future(as soon as he is elected), who knows even next month(You lucky boys - ed). A temporary Commissioner has been installed impending a formal investigation. THERE IS A REWARD FOR THE RETURN OF ANY OF THE THREE ROBED MEN -- DEAD OR ALIVE -- LA SPURT IS ALSO OFFERING A REWARD FOR THE SAFE RETURN OF REGINALD ############################################################################### THE ADVERTS SECTION ############################################################################### As a promotional campaign all adverts can be placed in this section free of charge. Yes advertise your regiment, your feelings both of love and hate towards the gentler sex and your fellow gentlmen.(That`s love towards the gentler sex not your fellows(WE HOPE!!)(anyone who knows of anyone feeling differently should contact La Spurt)) ****************** ************************* * Madame Miggins * * The King`s Musketeers * * Pizza Palour * * would like to make * * Her Latest * * it publically known * * Exotic Delight * * that all prospective * ****************** * applicants to the * * Turtles Our * * regiment should * * Specilaity !!! * * come suitably attired,* ****************** * be below 6ft and not * * a B`Stard. * ************************* ********************************** * La Spurt are seeking to * * employ a war correspondant. * * Anyone who feels they have the * * qualifications to fill such a * * demanding (and well paid) post * * should ask the editor for an * * application form. * ********************************** ############################################################################### La Spurt can be contacted at A.C.Crook@uk.ac.newcastle - Subject header LAS - ############################################################################### Up