Diplomacy Zine -- EP #207 Chapter Seven From: Eric_S_Klien@cup.portal.com Date: Mon, 15 Oct 1990 03:50:54 +0000 Issue #207 of ELECTRONIC PROTOCOL: ************************************************************************* "I'm Warren Whitmore", Ric said. "I'm recovering from an accident, going to finish the course of treatment soon. Go out into the real world." Whitmore was one of Ric's former neighbors, a man who'd had his head split in half by a falling beam. He hadn't left any instructions about radical life-preservation measures and artifical intelligences who ran the hospital were going to keep him alive till they burned up the insurance and then the family's money. ************************************************************************* Chapter One contains: BLITZKRIEG and PASSCHENDAELE And is published by uunet!cti1!rlister or rlister@cti.com/Russ Lister Chapter Two contains: REPUBLIC, BORODINO, JACAL, VERSAILLES, DRESDEN, and KHAN And is published by sinhaa@mcmaster.ca/Anand Sinha Chapter Three contains: DAWN PATROL, BERLIN, EL ALAMEIN, SQUALANE, UNGAWE, BRUSILOV OFFENSIVE, CULLODEN, GANDALF'S REVENGE, GOODBYE BLUE SKY And is published by cwekx@htikub5.bitnet/Constantijn Wekx Chapter Four contains: OZARK, DEADLY DAGGERS, YORKTOWN, MONTREUIL-SUR-MER, FIRE WHEN READY And is published by dm8sstaf@miamiu.bitnet/Douglas M. MacFarlane Chapter Five contains: BORDEL, ERIS, MASADA, and YALTA And is published by jjcarette@watami.waterloo.edu/David Gibbs Chapter Six contains: TOKUGAWA, BERLIN WALL, HIROSHIMA, GENGHIS KHAN, SEA LION, VIOLENT PEACE And is published by ps9zrhmc@miamiu.bitnet/Peter Sweeney Chapter Seven contains: HELM'S DEEP, GROUND ZERO, BAGHDAD, AUSTERLITZ, ??, KING'S GAMBIT, GET SOME, DEF CON 5, THUNDERDOME, DRAGONS, BLACK OCTOBER ------------- Chapter Seven ------------- No games in this issue. Publisher comments: Quote is from p. 73 of Facets by Walter Jon Williams. The following was submitted by drwho@athena.mit.edu/Jon Monsarrat, I am now forming my first game of Youngstown Diplomacy. Yell if you are interested! THE RULES OF YOUNGSTOWN DIPLOMACY Continued from last issue: % Valid Fleet moves Adr.S Tri Ven Apu Mon Alb Ion.S Aeg.S Gre Bul.sc Con Smy E.Med Ion.S Alb Mon Gre Ion.S Adr.S Alg W.Med Tun Mor And.S BoB Burm Tha.wc Joh Mal.S Sum EInd.O Ank Con Bla.S Arm Ann Viet GoT SChi.S Sai Apu Ven Adr.S Ion.S Nap Ara.S GoA Yem Per.G Ira Sind Raj Med WInd.O Som.S Arm Ank Bla.S Sev Bag Nej.ec Ira Per.G Bal.S Den Swe GoB Livn Pru Pos Ber Kie Bar Nrg StP.nc Nwy Bel Pic Eng.C Nth Hol Ber Kie Bal.S Pos Bla.S Rum Sev Arm Ank Con Bul.ec BoB Cal Burm And.S EInd.O Med Bor Bru SChi.S Cel.S Mal.S GoS Bre M.At Eng.C Pic Gas Bru SChi.S Bor GoS Bul.ec Rum Bla.S Con Bul.sc Aeg.S Gre Con Burm BoB Cal Tha.wc And.S Cal Med Burm BoB Cam Tha.ec Sai GoS Can Sik Bej Yel.S EChi.S SChi.S GoT Cel.S Bor SChi.S Phi S.Pa Tim.S Jav Mal.S Cey WInd.O EInd.O Cly Liv N.At Nrg Edi Con Bul.sc Bul.ec Bla.S Ank Smy Aeg.S Dan Eth GoA Mag Den Hel.B Nth Ska Swe Bal.S Kie EInd.O WInd.O Cey Med BoB And.S Sum Mal.S Jav Tim.S E.Af OBG Mag Som.S OBD OBE E.Med Ion.S Aeg.S Smy Syr Jor.nc Sue Egy.nc Pen EChi.S Can Yel.S Kor SoJ Hon Osa Fuj S.Pa Phi SChi.S For Edi Cly Nrg Nth Yor Egy.ec Sue Red.S Sud Egy.nc Pen E.Med Sue Eng.C M.At Iri.S Wal Lon Nth Bel Pic Bre Eth Sud Red.S GoA Dan Fin GoB Swe StP.sc For EChi.S SChi.S Fuj Osa Tok S.Pa EChi.S Gas M.At Bre Spa.nc GoA Red.S Yem Ara.S Som.S Mag Dan Eth GoB Swe Fin StP.sc Livn Bal.S GoL Spa.sc Mar Pie Tus Tyn.S W.Med GoS Tha.ec Cam Sai SChi.S Bru Bor Mal.S Joh GoT Viet Sik Can SChi.S Ann Gre Alb Bul.sc Aeg.S Ion.S Hel.B Nth Den Kie Hol Hir SoJ Tok Kyo Hok SoJ N.Pa Hol Nth Hel.B Kie Bel Hon SoJ Kyo Osa EChi.S Ion.S Tyn.S Nap Apu Adr.S Alb Gre Aeg.S E.Med Pen Lib Tun Ira Per.G Bag Sind Ara.S Ire N.At Iri.S Iri.S N.At Ire Liv Wal Eng.C M.At Jav Mal.S Cel.S Tim.S EInd.O Joh Tha.wc Tha.ec GoS Mal.S And.S Jor.nc E.Med Syr Sue Jor.sc Sue Nej.wc Red.S Kar SoO Sar SoJ Kie Hol Hel.B Den Bal.S Ber Kor Yel.S Man Vla SoJ EChi.S Kyo SoJ Hir Hon Lib Tun Ion.S Pen Liv Iri.S N.At Cly Wal Livn Bal.S GoB StP.sc Pru Lon Wal Yor Nth Eng.C M.At OBB N.At Iri.S Eng.C Bre Gas Spa.nc Spa.sc Por W.Med Mor S.At OBK OBL Mag E.Af Dan GoA Som.S Mal.S And.S Joh GoS Bor Cel.S Jav EInd.O Sum Man Vla Kor Yel.S Bej Mar Spa.sc Pie GoL Med Ara.S Raj Cal BoB EInd.O WInd.O Mon Adr.S Tri Alb Mor OBD S.At M.At W.Med Alg OBF OBG N.At OBA Nrg Cly Liv Iri.S Ire M.At OBL N.Pa Sib OBL S.Pa Tok SoJ Hok Sar SoO OBA OBB Nap Tyn.S Rom Apu Ion.S Nej.ec Bag Per.G Yem Nej.wc Red.S Jor.sc Yem Nrg N.At Bar Nwy Nth Edi Cly Nth Yor Edi Nrg Nwy Ska Den Hel.B Hol Bel Eng.C Lon Nwy Nth Nrg Bar StP.nc Swe Ska OBA N.At OBL OBB N.Pa OBB M.At OBL OBK OBA OBC S.Pa N.Pa OBC S.At OBJ OBH OBI OBK OBB OBD Tim.S Som.S WInd.O S.Pa OBD OBF OBG Mor OBC OBE E.Af Sud OBE OBG OBD OBF E.Af OBF Sud OBD OBG Mor OBE OBG OBD OBE E.Af OBF OBH Mor OBH Som.S OBC OBG OBI S.At OBI WInd.O OBC OBH S.At OBJ Tim.S OBC OBK S.At OBK S.Pa OBB OBC OBL OBJ M.At S.At OBL OBA OBB N.Pa OBK N.At M.At Osa EChi.S Hon Fuj Bej Man Yel.S Can Pen Lib Ion.S E.Med Egy.nc Per.G Nej.ec Bag Ira Ara.S Yem Phi SChi.S EChi.S S.Pa Cel.S Pic Bre Eng.C Bel Pie Mar Tus GoL Por M.At Spa.nc Spa.sc Pos Ber Bal.S Pru Pru Pos Bal.S Livn Raj Ara.S Sind Med Red.S Egy.ec Sue Jor.sc Nej.wc Yem GoA Eth Sud Rom Tyn.S Tus Nap Rum Sev Bla.S Bul.ec S.At OBC M.At Mor OBH OBI OBJ OBK S.Pa EChi.S Fuj Tok N.Pa OBK Cel.S Phi OBB OBC SChi.S GoT Can EChi.S For Phi Cel.S Bor Bru GoS Sai Ann Sai Cam Ann SChi.S GoS Sar Kar SoO N.Pa SoJ Sev Rum Arm Bla.S Sib N.Pa SoO Vla Sik Can GoT Viet Sind Ira Raj Ara.S Ska Nth Nwy Swe Den Smy Aeg.S Con Syr E.Med SoJ Vla SoO Kar Sar N.Pa Hok Tok Hir Kyo Hon EChi.S Kor SoO Sib N.Pa Sar Kar SoJ Vla Som.S E.Af Mag GoA Ara.S WInd.O OBH OBC Spa.nc Por M.At Gas Spa.sc Por M.At W.Med GoL Mar StP.nc Nwy Bar StP.sc Livn GoB Fin Sud OBF Egy.ec Red.S Eth OBD Sue Egy.ec Egy.nc E.Med Jor.nc Jor.sc Red.S Sum EInd.O And.S Mal.S Swe Ska Nwy Fin GoB Bal.S Den Syr E.Med Smy Jor.nc Tha.ec Cam GoS Joh Tha.wc Burm And.S Joh Tim.S OBJ EInd.O Jav Cel.S OBC Tok Hir SoJ N.Pa S.Pa Fuj Tri Adr.S Ven Mon Tun Alg W.Med Tyn.S Ion.S Lib Tus Pie GoL Tyn.S Rom Tyn.S W.Med GoL Tus Rom Nap Ion.S Tun Ven Tri Adr.S Apu Viet Sik GoT Ann Vla Sib SoO SoJ Kor Man WInd.O Som.S Ara.S Med EInd.O Cey OBI OBC W.Med M.At Spa.sc GoL Tyn.S Tun Alg Mor Wal Iri.S Liv Lon Eng.C Yel.S Bej Man Kor EChi.S Can Yem Red.S Nej.wc Nej.ec Per.G Ara.S GoA Yor Edi Nth Lon % Valid territories from which you can convoy. Adr.S Aeg.S And.S Ara.S Bal.S Bar Bla.S BoB Cel.S Den EInd.O E.Med EChi.S Eng.C GoA GoB GoL GoS GoT Hel.B Ion.S Iri.S M.At Mal.S N.At N.Pa Nrg Nth OBA OBB OBC OBD OBE OBF OBG OBH OBI OBJ OBK OBL Per.G Red.S S.At S.Pa SChi.S SoJ SoO Som.S Tim.S Tyn.S WInd.O W.Med Yel.S % Valid abbreviations and country names Austria-Hungary A/H China Chi England Eng France Fra Germany Ger India Ind Italy Ita Japan Jap Russia Rus Turkey Tur % Double coasted-territories. The main name comes first. The two coasts % of a country must directly follow the main name in the territory list! Bul Bul.ec Bul.sc Egy Egy.ec Egy.nc Jor Jor.nc Jor.sc Nej Nej.ec Nej.wc Spa Spa.nc Spa.sc St.P StP.nc StP.sc Tha Tha.ec Tha.wc % Valid Supply Centers Ank Bag Bel Ber Bor Bre Bud Bul Bul.ec Bul.sc Burm Cal Cam Can Cey Con Del Den Edi Egy Egy.ec Egy.nc Eth For Gre Han Hol Ira Ire Jav Joh Kie Klu Kor Kyo Liv Lon Mag Man Mar Med Mor Mos Mun Nap Nwy O.Mon Oms Osa Par Bej Pen Phi Por Pos Rom Rum Sai Sar Ser Sev Sink Smy Spa Spa.nc Spa.sc St.P StP.nc StP.sc Swe Tha Tha.ec Tha.wc Tok Tri Tun Ven Vie Viet Vla War Yem % Home Supply Centers Austria-Hungary Bud Tri Klu Vie China Bej Han Can O.Mon England Lon Liv Edi Joh France Par Bre Mar Sai Germany Ber Mag Mun Kie India Del Med Cal Cey Italy Rom Nap Ven Tun Japan Tok Sar Osa Kyo Russia Mos St.P Sev War Oms Vla Turkey Con Bag Ank Smy The following was taken from CompuServe: THE METADIPLOMAT Issue #20 September 24, 1990 Jeff McKee (207) 761-0246 481 Westbrook St. Apt. 105G South Portland ME 04106-1939 Compuserve 73357,1630 Internet 73357.1630@COMPUSERVE.COM ====> Jerome, my pet cactus, says "Hello!" ================ Homefront News--Another Blowout Issue! =============== You see, the place I make my copies has changed its format. Now, rather than using an auditron and paying for my copies when convenient, I have to pay for them in advance, and the more I buy, the cheaper I get them. I started out buying 2400, which cost me $125.00. (Just in case you were wondering where all your sub money goes!) Now that I've got a shitload of copies on my little credit card, it's hard for me to resist the urge to burn a few extra. So you're getting what is probably close to a double issue. Note, Mr. Nash, that I am not numbering it #20/21 in the same manner you did earlier in the year! Fall is here, and I'm pissed. They said "It just gets cold one day and it doesn't get warm again." I believed them, but I hardly expected it to happen the Monday after Labor Day! Heck, it was still in the 100's in Wichita the whole week of Labor Day, although I understand they've trimmed that back to the mid 80's now. Western Maine has already had a hard freeze, and the leaves are already changing in northern Maine. Time to get the car winterized and buy a bionic ice scraper and snow brush!!! I doubt most of you have heard anything about it, but my company just got finished laying off 10% of its workforce (2000 people). Not a whole lot of work got done and I was a nervous wreck the whole week before, during and after the "riff." That was a month ago, and the rumors are already flying about another layoff in October. Keep your fingers crossed. The thought of leaving Maine has crossed my mind, but I'd rather do it based on my own decisions, if you know what I mean. Not that they can ever afford to lay anyone off, but I've been so incredibly busy the last two weeks cramming up against a deadline which will have passed by the time you receive this in the mail. Anyone who knows me personally knows I'm not the kind of guy to work 60 hour weeks, or to work weekends. But I did both by my own choice this last two weeks. As I write this, Friday night, I am facing my first real day off in 13 days without mental pressure to go in and work. You think I'm going to blow this whole weekend typing up Meta? YOU BET! Bridge Column: GERBER or BLACKWOOD? Well, how about both? I don't know how many of you have ever played bridge, but I've got quite a story to tell. My "friend" Dave Tungate (remember, the guy who told me to park in the subway station in Boston?) and I have been playing bridge with the guys at lunchtime. I was enjoying it so much I asked him to go and play Duplicate bridge with me at the Portland Duplicate on Tuesday night. Dave's one of those guys who doesn't put much stock on point count. Never mind that he confuses the hell out of his partner. I convinced him to play close to the vest that night. When we got there, we had to fill out this little sheet that says what conventions we play. Everyone who knows about Bridge knows about the Blackwood convention, where one player bids 4 No Trumps and his partner is supposed to bid 5 Clubs with 0 or 4 Aces in his hand, 5 Diamonds with one Ace, 5 Hearts with two Aces, and 5 Spades with three Aces. There's also a "Club convention" called the Gerber Convention, where the same basic principle is followed over an asking bid of 4 Clubs, e.g. 4 Diamonds means 0 or 4 aces, 4 Hearts means 1 Ace, etc. Dave and I agreed that we would play both (which isn't unusual). I can't remember exactly what happened, but I opened in Clubs, and after determining through the bidding that we had a whole lot of points, he bid 4 Clubs. I was ready to see about a slam (a bid of six, which means we can take 12 out of 13 tricks) and decided to bid 4 No Trump to ask for Aces. Dave responded 5 Clubs, meaning no Aces. That's okay, I've got three, and since I have a singleton in the suit I don't have the ace in, I kept going. I replied 5 No Trump to ask for Kings. Dave responded 6 Clubs, meaning no Kings. I only had three myself, so it was time to stop bidding! That's what happened from my perspective. From Dave's perspective, he bid 4 Clubs to ask me for Aces. I bid 4 No Trump which indicates 3 Aces). He went to 5 Clubs to ask for Kings, even though he didn't have the missing Ace (I told you he was a little strange when bidding). I responded 5 No Trump to show three Kings, and he put us in 6 Clubs. If you haven't figured it out by now, Dave was playing Gerber (over a Club contract!?! Gerber is usually played over No Trump contracts) and I was playing Blackwood, and somehow we reached the doomed contract of 6 Clubs, correctly responding to one another the whole time. Fortunately, due to a careless play by the defense, we made it! One other pair got to 6 Clubs on the same cards and they went down one. The Bridge God had a chuckle on us! Thanks to Mark Frueh for the address of the Portland Duplicate club--this issue's on me! The people at the Portland Duplicate were interesting....and old. <grin> I was easily the only person there under 30 (Dave is 33 but looks a little older) and nobody else was under 35. The most enjoyable match was the one with the husband and wife. We were playing at 4 Spades, which we didn't make; I think we were down one. When the last card was played, the woman glared at the man and said "HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? You were supposed to overtake my Queen with your King and return a low club. You know I'm out of clubs and it's the only chance we're going to get to trump anything. Gees, YOU ARE STUPID." The initial burst of laughter was uncontrollable! But I sucked the secondary explosion deep into my soul until I could escape from the table and out into the foyer where at least I wouldn't spit on the cards when I laughed! ============= Here's Some Trivial Facts for Simple Minds! ============= The total number of player-games in Meta right now is 51. The total number of players in Meta right now is 31. The usual number of handwritten (e.g. USPS) orders I receive is 27. The usual number of electronic orders I receive is 15. The usual number of phone orders I receive is 2. The 'orders' figures above do not include orders for NETWORK. The average number of orders that arrive on DEADLINE DAY is 8! The average number of orders that arrive the day before is 7! The average number of orders that arrive two days before is 7! The average number of orders that arrive at least a week ahead is 5! Super Unleaded gas is $1.529 a gallon across the street. They tell me my electric bill will be $300 a month during the winter. A 2-liter bottle of Coke costs $1.49 plus 5 cents deposit on the bottle. McDonalds hamburgers cost 85 cents. A Big Mac is $1.95. The average cost of a burrito in Maine is around $7. The average high temperature here the last week has been in the mid 60's. ========================== Thursday GUIDELines ========================= The premiere episode of the slice-of-life series "American Dreamer" introduces Tom Nash (Robert Urich), a former TV newsman who now writes a newspaper column from a small town "a mile West of yonder." --9:30 PM 2 6 =========================== Easy Maine Trivia ========================== 1. What is the distinctively Maine one-word anachronism which is equivalent to "yes, opposed to no, but not always?" 2. Who was Hot Lips Hulahan's beau in the States, and why is that person's name in an Easy Maine Trivia quiz? 3. What does "wicked" mean? 4. What are the endpoints of the Maine Turnpike? 5. Within 5 inches either way, what is the average annual snowfall in Portland? 6. What was the lowest price for generally available lobster this season? 7. How many towns in Maine have "Kennebunk" as part of their name? 8. Give a phonetic spelling of how a Bostonian would pronounce "Bob." 9. What is the most difficult common form of bowling in Maine? 10. What does "Open 24 Hours" mean in Maine? Answers are to be found somewhere else in the issue. Rate yourself: 8-10: I Spy a Mainer! 5-7: I Spy a New Englander! 3-5: You can find us if you try--just drive northeast until you run out of real estate--but don't leave the country, and don't go into Minnesota or Michigan or you'll have a hard time finding us. 0-2: I Spy a Tourist! Book your tickets now for next summer, you'll fit right in! ================== LUTTERBIE INTERVIEW CONTEST RESULTS! ================= The following answered the contest: Mickey Preston, Susan Welter, Randy Davis, and Steven Sulzby. Their initials are given next to their answers. Susan failed to answer the bell for the last four questions. Mickey failed to answer the bell for most of them! (grin) Steven wins the grand prize, which isn't going to amount to a whole lot more than two free issues! Obviously I'm not eligible for the free issues, but I'll put my own questions down just for spite. A1. Yes. SW:* Do you enjoy putting your fingers into places where only others put mouthwash? MP: Is Tom Nash dead? SS: Would you like to be Melanie Winters' hot cream wrestling opponent? RD: Do you like to inflict pain on your patients, sorta like Steve Martin in "Little Shop of Horrors?" JM: Can you hear me? A2. Why would you ask that? SW: Do you believe in the current education syytem? [This question could also be: Are you going to bid 5 No Trumps?] MP: Why do you live in Kansas? (( Vince lives in Missouri, Mickola...)) SS: Do you think that you could "lick" her? RD:* Are you bisexual? JM: Ever stand and watch a dog shit, and then wonder why you did it? A3. Only if they're under 16. SW: Have you had a serious relationship with an ally? MP: Would you ally with Italy? SS:* Speaking of female Diplomacy players, is there any characteristics you look for before you write and propose a relationship? RD: OK, let me rephrase that...would you have sex with someone besides your wife? JM: Do you steal things from people walking down the street? A4. Oh--I thought you meant centers, not sinners. SW: (Clarification of Answer #3) MP: Why do you call it Diplomacy Hell? SS:* You only bed female Diplomacy players under the age of SIXTEEN???? RD: So, you would sin behind your wife's back? JM: Do you ever intentionally "miss the spot" with the novacaine? A5. Usually green--with little chunks. SW: What kind of peppers do you want on your pizza? MP: What does Jeff's Pizza look like? SS:* Describe the vomit that wells up in the back of your throat when you read Tom Nash's comments in the letter column of Been There, Done That. RD: What's your favorite drink look like? JM: What's Melody's chili like? (Just kidding, Mel!) A6. Susan Welter. SW: What person, in any game you're in, is most likely to call you on the telephone? MP: Who was that woman in the bikini in your closet? SS:* If six of your friends were coming over to play Diplomacy and you wanted to show them a unique board and decided to finger paint it on top of someone's naked body, who's body would you choose to do this on? RD: Who's your least favorite Hobby personality? JM: Which Diplomacy player do you think could most effectively neutralize Saddam Hussein? A7. Tom Nash's beachfront property. SW: If you had 2 units available to raid any place on earth, where would they go? MP: What do you want, now that Nash is dead? SS: If you were suddenly appointed "Department Head of Sanitation" at Atlanta, and had to find a new landfill site, which site would you choose? RD:* Where should we dispose of toxic wastes? JM: Where does the tooth fairy bury all the baby teeth s/he collects? A8. Susan Welter and Tom Nash's beachfront property. SW: What would you like better than pepperoni pizza? MP: What are your fondest desires? (( ??? )) SS:* Where's the most likely spot to find an orgy party? RD: Considering the Kuwait crisis, is there anywhere new we might try to drill for oil? JM: If Postal Diplomacy were a soap opera, where would it be set? A9. Titan, what else? MP: What is the stupidest game on the planet? SS:* What is Susan Welter's pet name for you when you get behind closed doors? RD: What's the worst game you've ever played? JM: What is the single most rewarding experience a human could live for? A10. Acquire, what else? MP: What is the best strip-" " game? SS:* If you found yourself on a desolate, romantic beach, surrounded by the unclad bodies of Melanie Winters, Susan Welter, Kathy Caruso, and Malinda Matney, and one of them whispered softly in your ear that they want to play with you, what would you suggest that you all play? RD: What game do you consider too difficult to be fin? JM: How do you settle arguments around the house? A11. Probably David Hood, but a case could be made for John Crosby. MP: Who killed Nash? SS:* If you were told that one or two Diplomacy players were direct descendants of Robin Hood, or Little John, who do you think they would be? RD: Who's the biggest looney in the Hobby? JM: What do you get when you cross a Diplomacy player with an eggplant? (just kidding, guys) A12. Brush your teeth after every meal. MP: What were Nash's last words? SS:* If you had Melanie Winters' hot and panting breath within inches of your lips, what would you say to her? RD: What saying do you wish everyone would forget? JM: Got any advice for Dirk the Wonder Dog? Comments: MP: So, where's my flight attendant? I'd like one named Buffy. Blond, 5'6" and tattoos are ok. JM: Catch her on the Kuwaiti Airlines flight nearest you. RD: I imagine I'm asking for trouble with those questions, but heck, it's just a joke. I hope nobody takes offense, perhaps my questions could be anonymous? ((NOPE!)) ====== THIS MONTH'S STUPID, OFFENSIVE SONG! (Dr. Demento, Part 1) ======== I heard the cutest little song on an old recording Rick Walker, a co-worker of mine, had made off of the Dr. Demento show. If you have a friend or relative in a coma, you'd better skip this and go on to the letter column. Sorry I can't send you all the soundtrack, because something is lost in the translation. Just imagine a quick swing beat and the following words: Well, My girl's a vegetable, She lives in the hospital. And she ain't got no TV, But she's got an EKG; And some folks say she's a dud, She's got other people's blood; But I'd buy her anything, just to Keep her in style. She can't hear and she can't talk, She can't even take a walk. She ain't got no arms or legs, Just a lot of hooks and pegs; We don't leave her alone, She can't hear the telephone, But I'd buy her anything, just to Keep her in style. Yeah my girl's a vegetable, She lives in the hospital; And I think she's pretty neat, Even though she's got no feet; And in her there's lots of tubes, She's got really saggy boobs, But I'd buy her anything, just to Keep her in style. ========================== THE LETTER COLUMN! ======================== ====> Al Tabor: Hi Jeff, Yes, I will definitely be renewing Meta. I've thoroughly enjoyed every issues. My wife is an ESL teacher, so the composition article was a big hit with her. I, also, really liked being reminded of the Fly with no legs joke--an old favorite. Here's for 20 issues. If you fold, do us both a favor and keep the balance <g>. Lately, for some reason kids have been telling me jokes. My favorite of that crop-- Q:"Why is 6 afraid of 7?" A:"Because 7 8 9." Dumb, yes, but what do you expect from a guy who thinks Dr Detroit was a funny movie? Bye for now. PS if Pete G knows what I'm really up to he should let me know--it's been a mystery to me for years. ((I'm still waiting to hear the poop from Pete!)) ====> Russell Blau : Dear Jeff, I thought you would be interested in this: On Wednesday, August 29, I received in the mail the replacement copy of Meta #18 that you had kindly sent me, postmarked Aug. 27. Thanks. Then, on Thursday the 30th, I received another copy of Meta #18 postmarked August 13!! It was in perfect condition, with nothing at all to indicate where it had been the last few weeks. Our US Postal "Service" at work again! (( I have been able to draw the conclusion that the post in Maine does not run as efficiently or regularly as the post in Kansas. I have had orders arrive late at their destination because six days wasn't enough. I have received a great many orders on deadline day, which I know HAS to be the USPS' fault because all MY subbers know to mail their orders in early!! To help bandage this problem and a couple of others, I have abandoned the 2 1/2 week deadlines in favor of 3 week deadlines. In general, if you haven't got your copy two weeks after the last deadline, call me and I'll send you another copy. )) ====> Pete Gaughan: I like MD and it was interesting to see the differing perspectives (ahem!) on your Gunboat game. I've invited Mme. Winters over Friday night with a bunch of other Dipsters, but since Randy (yes, I invited him too) is out deer killing she's arranged to go camping with a friend, and ergo she might not make it. I like butts. My wife likes butts. All I can say is they work for us (in many ways) but then, I'm not much of a leg man. Go figure. (( Gotta agree butts can be pretty useful. If nothing else it keeps our pelvic bones from wearing away from the friction of sitting. Some butts are particularly wide, most suitable for playing the piano, for instance, and some are narrow, but they all serve a nice purpose. Many not-so-nice purposes, but nevertheless important as well, as far as I can tell.)) Nash's comments about MD are, of course, perceptive (in his own twisted way). If BTDT was as good as MD we'd all take much more note of said comments. So long and thanks for all the fish. ((Thanks for all the crab!)) PS. My parents are in Bar Harbor right now; they'll be spending the rest of the week at Thomaston and Boston. My aunt and uncle run the ferry between Port Clyde and Monkegan Island. (( It's amazing how many people have relatives in Maine!! )) ====> David Hood (personal letter, published as a follow-up to previous discussions. If he'll print it, my response will be in December's DW.) Thanks for the check. Reason it was $25 is that when they lose keys they have to rekey the lock completely, including the suite doors. (( Aube and I drove off without returning our room keys, and they charged us $25 each!)) As to supply centers in scoring systems, there are a couple of reasons why I think it is appropriate. First, centers are obviously the key to the game--they are the putative ((commonly thought)) goals, and 18 of them are the ultimate goal. They are necessary for a nation's growth and survival. Between two players in the same _basic_ game finish (i.e. both in the draw or both just survivors) center count is a useful determinant for deciding between them which played better. Straight supply center count is not a perfect measure of performance, but is usually right--generally a guy at 10 has been more successful diplomatically and tactically than a guy at 4, even if they are both in the same draw. ((Pot-shots here, I'll save the rational debate for the DW article. Probably your best argument here, but I'd have to disagree that the exact number of centers makes any difference, whereas a relative number of centers might. To me the difference between an 11 center and 12 center position is zero, not one point.)) Second, centers serve an important tie-breaker function at cons where wins are rare and draws numerous. People would be too clustered together in the final standings otherwise. ((Tie-breakers are important, but any tie breaker will satisfy this argument. I've proposed that the speed of the win/draw be the consideration, e.g. a win in 1905 is better than a win in 1909.)) Third, small-time players (2 to 3 centers or so) need some concrete goal to play for once wins/draws seem impossible. Rewarding centers at least gives them something besides revenge or whim to guide their actions--and we all know how losing players can screw up a game when playing for revenge or whimsy alone. ((I contend that this premise holds only in a minority of cases at a convention.)) I have an idea. As you know, I will be publishing Diplomacy World as of September. We will already be discussing the scoring system used by Sacks at AtlantiCon, one that rewards centers far too much. Please write me up an article about the use of centers in scoring systems from your no-center point of view, and incorporate your responses to my arguments above. I will be paying sub credit to DW for submissions I can use, so how about it? I will need it by mid-August. ((Can't do it by Mid-August, but I will commit to write one for the next DW if you'll accept it.)) ====> Rafael Brinner (mit Luftpost, from Vienna), July 20th: I'm back in the West and life feels more mundane already. A month in the USSR taught me to speak another language--and to see with different eyes. As the experience fades to memories, the perspective reverts. For instance, the dollar is king in Russia, not so much a currency as a commodity; in Western Europe however, it's worth roughly half of what it was in the middle of the Reagan years. MetaDip was forwarded to me here so I got to enjoy the roast. Coincidentally, it was Danielle who wrote a feminist art history paper on pornography last spring. (from Berkeley, August 26th) I'm going to try and write up some of my summeri impressions for _upstart_ to maybe print. You (MetaDip) interested? BTW, maybe "the hobby" should be called "MetaDiplomacy." Short, catchy, and it describes what we do. After all, we're not conducting _real_ diplomacy. If one needs something more official sounding, how about THE SOCIETY FOR METADIPLOMATIC SIMULATIONS, or some such. No cute acronyms come to mind, though. (( Fine. Leave me dangling about Danielle's paper! See if I care what viewpoints/arguments she presented! I'm really interested to hear about your experiences in Russia. Anything not fit for _upstart_ I'll be glad to print here. Meta's publishing standards are noticeably more vague than _upstart_'s--keep that in mind! <grin>)) (( Remember, Larry Peery's "Institute for Diplomatic Studies..." Anyway, an interesting thought: thinking about the diplomatic situation with Iraq these days, wouldn't it be interesting if we could track the progress of the diplomatic aspects of Diplomacy instead of the military aspects on the game map? If rather than the number of centers held, your units depended on the amount of respect and trust the other players held in you at that point in time? Wicked! )) ====> Cathy Ozog: Don't you hate players who put many orders on one piece of paper!!?? (( No, I don't hate the players, but I do have problems sorting the orders by game (or tournament) when more than one game/tournament is on a sheet. The only reason I published your question was to mildly ask compassionate players to put each game/tournament on one sheet of paper if possible!)) ====> Jim Green: The cream wrestling girl is Melanie. The shocker is that the one on the left is actually Randy Davis. Strange, but true. PS. Ask Melanie for copies of the nude shots. That should solve the tits question. (( How about those nude shots, Melanie? I'm thinking of running a photo issue anyway, that would just about ice the idea!)) ====> Randy Davis: I think Melanie looks like the little cream wrestler. (( Why don't you send me a picture of the two of you, and I'll publish it! You (plural) really don't need to get naked...<grin> Trust me! )) ====> Jason Bergman: I agree with your comments about scoring systems (as well as those made by Jack Garrett). I do believe that the person with the greatest number of wins should win a tournament. But, what happens when there are three people that have one win and one two-way draw (like what happened at Dipcon). How do you determine who wins the tournament? Centers seem to me to be the fairest way to break a tie. I would be willing to see centers completely out of a scoring system, like you suggest. There has to be _some_ way of breaking ties. What would you suggest? ((As I said earlier, I think the speed by which the outcome is accomplished is a good tiebreaker, as length of survival can distinguish players who are eliminated from one another. Some adjustments would have to be made in order to prevent players from prolonging a game when the outcome is decided, though, but it would at least be nice to see that control taken away from the players who are winning and put into the hands of the players who are losing. They'll do better with it because they have less at stake.)) You have never played in a FTF game of Diplomacy with me. The "angry child" characterization of me is somewhat uninformed. If you're using the gunboat game at Poolcon as an example, then say "around three in the morning, Jason plays like a tired child," and I'll agree with you.... (( I said you _looked_ like an angry child while playing at DIPCON. You didn't carry a smile with you the whole time you were involved in a game! Granted I only saw you three or four times while playing, but the scowl on your face made me think you must have been getting creamed! Then to find out how well you were doing, it just didn't make sense! )) Bridge by mail would need to be anonymous. Else, there is no way to keep players from revealing cards to one another. You could combine turns on the play of cards when all players must follow suit, but when that need not be the case you'd need to give players a time to see other cards played. You could play, however, multiple hands at one time...but the scoring system would need to be altered. ====> Per Westling (July 9th, excerpts from a note sent from vacation): You might be wondering about that strange name at the top of the page ("Ronneby"). Well, that is an old spa which became famous in the 19th century and the beginning of this century for its well with healthy water (rich with iron). On that place a hotel was built, a big one, that burnt down. Nowadays there is a very modern hotel instead that I can recommend. As I'm not especially wealthy (:-) I stay at the youth hostel instead. The reason for my vacation here is that I will play Bridge a whole week, well, not the whole, just during nights, and sight seeing and bathing during days. ====> Melanie Winters: Last month's cover was a real scream--at least there was plenty of screaming around here! Did you have to go all the way to Anaheim for those photos or did a 'friend' help you out? Could it be....my favorite Czar, perhaps? He does have a habit of sending unique items through the mail-- I can hardly wait until NEXT Valentine's Day! (Hint hint, Steven, but please, no more "SHUT UP BITCH" t-shirts for Randy. He picked up Jesse at daycare in it!) Why is it that you want me to stand up when I seem to play better Dip from my current position? Or as the song goes, (in your basic B-flat blues, if you care to hum along), "...she don't recognize you standing up, you know she thinks you look better lyin' down." Ask one of the so-called old farts who sang that one. But seriously, Jeff, you should know that I would never wrestle in hot cream. Yuck!!! You get better traction with caramel sauce. Why do you think Mona smiles like that? I don't think I will even waste my time commenting on your question about why people like looking at other people's *sses. Suffice to say, if you don't know, there's no point in trying to explain it to you. Kind of like mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. Before I go into my moves for SR, I just wanted to tell you that it was very gallant of you to take the rap for my screw-up (and I thought chivalry was dead). I wasn't thrown by your erroneous headline, I just got in a hurry, became frazzled, and suffered from a mild dumb blonde attack. I apologize profusely for allowing the ugly Americans to invade the game. Since you were generous enough to let me get away with this, I won't even mention the fact that you gave us TWO deadlines for our orders--the 22nd and the 25th. See, I told you I could be sweet! O:-) (Those smiley things are so cute!) How is your dad doing in the Middle East? Hope it all turns out ok. Glad to hear you have buddyed-up with Kathy. I hope this doesn't mean you're going to try and enlist her aid in abusing me every month. You're doing a wonderful job on your own. OK, relax, I'm done with you for now. See ya later, Romeo --Melanie ====> Rafael Brinner: Eek! School starts in two days! The voice of the berserk ax-murderer come to his senses reverberates in my head, crying "What have I done?!?" Oh well. All I can do at this point is prove my dint of Herculean effort and untapped reserves of brilliance that grad school was the right thing to do. After a summer that ranks as one of my best, it's rather anticlimactic to settle down again in an albeit cozy Evanston apartment and hit the books. Certainly, everything is as it should be. The whole idea of the summer extravaganza I planned was to get as much as I could out of my last two months of freedom before I became the thrall of Northwestern's History department. ====> Randy Davis: Sadly, all my wonderful vacation time is over, but perhaps I can concentrate a little more on my Dip games. Issue #18 was great. Thanx for sending it priority mail. Melanie looks a bit like the Hot cream Wrestler, with perhaps the mind of the Mona Lisa. I almost would like to request another copy for posterity, as my kids wrote phone numbers on it. The smileys were great too. Hopefully people keep sending you quality stuff for your zine. Also, the 1/2 interview with Vince Lutterbie was hilarious. I could just imagine the questions. Perhaps I'll take a shot at winning that flight attendant. =================== A Present from Dr. Demento, Part 2 ================== "TAKING MY GIRL HOME TO MOM AND DAD" Quinnell: Well, here we are, Mary, the snake pit. Mary: Now Quinnell, you promised not to make jokes at your parents'. Quinnell: Yeah, well you don't know my parents; that's like throwing out your bicycle chain just before you join a rumble. Mary: Please, Quinnell, for me? Quinnell: Okay, Mary. (knocks on the front door) Gladys, Quinnell's mother: Go away! Quinnell: It's me, Mom, your son Quinnell. Gladys: Quinnell, what brings you here? Did you run out of money? Quinnell: Actually, Mom, we were looking for a roadside toilet, and it turned out to be the old homestead. Mary: Quinnell! You promised! Quinnell: Actually, Mom, I brought someone really special I'd like you to meet. Gladys: Ahh, you must be Quinnell's new probation officer! Mary: No, I'm his girlfriend. Gladys: Girlfriend? Impossible. I forbade Quinnell to date tramps until he reached puberty. Quinnell: So, Mom, are you going to invite us into your house or are you just going to humiliate us on the front porch? Gladys: No, come in, I can clean again after you leave! Mary: I can see where Quinnell got his sense of humor, Mrs. Haggard, he's just like you, always joking. Gladys: Isn't that cute, Bow-wow talks! Have a seat at the table, Rover, and I'll pour you a bowl of Gravy Train! Quinnell: Don't strain yourself being the ideal hostess, Mom. Mary: Mrs. Haggard, Quinnell and I have some very important news to tell you and Mr. Haggard. Quinnell: Mary, I don't think this is a good idea. Gladys: Don't worry, I'll get your father, he shouldn't be hard to locate by smell. Quinnell: Just check under a damp rock, Mom. Gladys: Oh no, he's in the living room watching the Flintstones. He's big on the educational stuff. Hey Scuzbucket! Drag yourself away from the idiot box and see what your disowned son dragged home! Dad: At the commercial! Mary: Quinnell, is your family always so mean? Gladys: Not really, we're putting on company manners just for you, choddy coppy! Quinnell: I don't want you to talk to Mary that way, Mom. Gladys: Tough for her to keep up? I'll try using grunts and monosyllables, Pokey. So, Mary, did you meet my son under your favorite street lamp? Mary: We met at the university. Gladys: At the university? I didn't know Quinnell graduated from grade two! Quinnell: You were too drunk to ask! Gladys: I guess it pays to cheat! Quinnell: Not if Dad catches you. Gladys: Your father couldn't catch his own breath. The man has an IQ of a sponge. Quinnell: Ah, so that's why he fell for you, Ma. Mary: Quinnell! Quinnell, I can't take much more of this. Dad: Gladys, get me a beer. Quinnell: Hi, Dad. Dad: Oh look, a talking pig! Quinnell: Nice to see your lobotomy scars have scabbed up, Pop. I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Mary. Dad: Nice piece, what does she cost to throw? Mary: Quinnell! Quinnell, I have a headache. Gladys: Uh-oh, sign of things to come, son! Dad: Reminds me of you, Gladys! Quinnell: Not really, Mary has her own teeth! Mary: I'm going to the car, Quinnell. Dad: So what was so important that you had to drag me away from the Flintstones? Gladys: Suzy Homemaker here as an announcement to make. Mary: (shouting) Yes, Yes, I do have an announcement! Quinnell and I are going to get married. He said there was no need to get your blessing but I insisted. It's obvious that you don't care so I'm sorry I even bothered you! Dad: Take off your blouse, honey! Mary: I'm going to the car, Quinnell! Quinnell: No, wait, Mary! (Mary leaves) Dad: I'm going back to watch TV, send me pics of the wedding night, Son! A-hah? A-hah? Quinnell: Well, thanks a lot, Ma. You really screwed that up. The girl I love is sitting in the car crying. Just thanks for all your help. Gladys: Well, wait a bit, Quinnell. You know we were just having our fun. I really think you're gal's a good kid. I know you think we're a total disgrace, and I wouldn't blame you if don't invite us to the wedding. But I do hope you're happy with Mary, I'm sure she'll be okay...a real good wife for my son. Quinnell: Do you really mean that? Gladys: NOOO!!! Quinnell: You had me going for a second...! Gladys: SUCKER!! ==================== Easy Maine Trivia Answers ========================= 1. "Ayuh." 2. Donald Penobscot. There's a town and a bay named after him! 3. "Very," Or, "Totally," depending on where you're from! 4. Augusta to the north, York to the south. 5. 72 inches. 6. Free. Actually the market price was $1.75 a pound; the lobstermen tied up their boats and distributed their catches free to the public in protest. 7. Three: Kennebunk, Kennebunkport, and Kennebunk Beach. 8. "Bawb." 9. Duck Pins, which are squatty little things you never want to see. 10. Open from 7AM Monday thru 11PM Saturday. ================= Parting Shot from Dr. Demento to You! ================ "AT THE BREAKFAST TABLE" Man and woman, in breakfast drink commercial, soft, lovely music in the background: W: (lovingly) Here, honey, try this. M: (interested) Mmm, looks like our regular orange colored frozen substitute, for artificial morning breakfast beverage with pulplike particles added! W: (sweetly) Wrong, Honey. M: (eagerly) But, but look! Pulplike substances just like the frozen concentrate that tastes almost like fresh! W: (coy) But it doesn't cost like the concentrates that taste almost like fresh! M: (nicely) You mean this natural tasting, morning breakfast beverage, with a flavor almost like fresh squeezed, that tastes better than frozen, and better than those reconstituted substitutes for artificial morning breakfast drinks, is actually pennies less per serving, than those concentrates that taste almost like fresh, and have pulplike substances? W: (softly) Wrong again, honey. M: (snide) Wrong again, honey. WRONG AGAIN, HONEY. (screaming) Why the f*** don't you stop saying 'wrong again honey' and throw this f***in' stuff in the toilet, and get out there and get me some f***in' orange juice! ****************************************************************************** To join in the fun, send your name, home address, home and work phone numbers, and country preferences to Eric_S_Klien@cup.portal.com. ****************************************************************************** Up