UEFL From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones) Date: Thu, 21 Feb 1991 06:18:21 +0000 UEFL Newsletter - Peripheral Division Session E LP Name W L T GF GA CP TP Cash 28 MVP Rigor M 14 1 0 67 18 5 3 918 21 BOTH Oxaxaca Tortugas 9 3 3 38 16 6.5 4 682 18 EB Gaucho Goalmongers 8 5 2 30 21 1 3 468 15 EB Wainscotting 7 7 1 46 35 3.5 4+1 488 14 EB Bathtub Stoppers 6 7 2 35 38 3 3 806 9 Gresley Rovers 4 10 1 36 46 2 8 244 9 EB Drunken Stupor 3 9 3 25 39 4 3 885 6 Humble StarTrek Team 2 11 2 8 72 3.5 6 948 ----- News ----- Tortuga management was a bit frustrated at the team's loss to league leader Rigor M. After successfully designing a game plan to hit the stiff's weaknesses and outshooting them 10-8, the Tortugas just couldn't get enough in the back of the net. As for this session's match with 2nd place team Gaucho Goalmongers, manager Ferguson was cautious but expected his team to repeat their previous success against that fine team. * News from the tub * Sadly only one victory from a tough session, as Rigor M got sweet revenge for their earlier loss against the Stoppers and the Tortugas again got the better of the Tub. This session sees the battle for the basement with visits to Drunken Stupor and Humble Startrek Team, while the SToppers themselves play host to Gresley Rovers. "Let's pray for at least one win from the three games" commented coach Playford. "Three would be nice ;-)" One thing of note is the way that the Stoppers front line are sharing out the goals with no real contender amongst them for the 'Kick in the Grass' trophy. "Pele, Kapagol and Emover keep stuffing them in, which keeps the opposition on their toes if nothing else. Cross fingers that they keep it up." Rumors in Wainscotting that forward Q.P. Gumby had been shot for receiving a red card in match 10 and costing the club a victory over the Stoppers proved to be unfounded. However, a budding romance between Gumby and midfielder Princess Diana continues to threaten Wainscotting with the loss of the two to early retirement. In fan news, the annual "Name Wainscotting's Mascot" contest ended this week. The top five vote-getters this year were "Wainscotting", "Wainscotting", "Wainscotting", "Wainscotting", and "Little Yellow Balls of Phlegm". Manager Steve Buffum attributes this lack of imagination to the water supply near the small town, and admitted at a press conference that the nuclear generator at the prophylactic recycling plant could have something to do with it as well. In player news, R.T. Gumby was sold to the non-league for his repeated insinuations that Buffum was not playing him simply because he was not very good. "He may be bad," Buffum said, "but at least he did come up with an original name for the team." Defender O.T. Gumby was sold to the Quarrymen of the Unnamed Division, where he hoped that his unique shouting style of verbal delivery would help the otherwise shy lads in the Liverpool area. Free agent M.L. Gumby was signed this week, adding versatility to the ragged Wainscotting squad. "He fits right in with Coach Westhead's defensive system," Buffum quipped. "He plays none." When asked to comment on the fact that his initials were exactly opposite of the star sweeper for Wainscotting, M.L. Gumby explained that this sort of this happens all the time in his hometown of Notlob. When asked for comment, Fedel replied, "Herre Gud!" [Tom T. Nose, Bud Bowl, Milwaukee] Coach Eacker was in a rather amiable mood when I got in to see him. Turns out he was quite pleased in having won against the Trekkies, and only losing by a single goal against Wainscotting. He was a little perturbed that the team couldn't put together a better showing against the Goalmongers, but they are one of the better teams in the league. As far as the up coming session is concerned he was going to be trying to see what he can put together against the Tortugas which he felt will be his toughest match this session. Although he goes on to say that the Stoppers are a force to be reckoned with. He was a little concerned with the number of injuries that the Rovers had in their last match of Session D. This was a point of concern that maybe the Rover's Coach was pushing his team too hard and that the team will be really hurting and be playing recklessly when they take the field against the Stupors. This is a critical session for the Gauchos as they face three of the four top teams. Many are anticipating the first match up when the dreaded RM comes to town. "Their team is awesome," said the Goalmongers head coach (who asked not to be named), "we'll try a new line up and hopefully catch them off guard." In other news, beer sales have been banned after the 15 minute mark of the second half. The team office cited the problems caused by fans euphoric over the team's success having a bit too much to drink. Reportedly, the team president is tired of having to buy new goals after every home win. Guard dogs and mounted police will patrol the field perimeter during this week's big match with RM. [This should be in the Central Newsletter. But I put it here, then deleted the file. *Sigh.*] In a further note, Amdahl spokesmen have denied the recent allegations that have surfaced in regards to an assasination attempt on Coach Fred of the Sordid Sages. "The talks with the Beirut Blast's mascot, " said one, "were strictly concerning Booticus, the lovable Amdahl supporter. We would never stoop such base tactics as assassination to better our chances in the division. However, we would not feel regret should such a mascot happen to go rampaging lunatic nuts and blow Fred's malfing face off. But I say again, we would nver encourage such activities." Gresley Rovers FC have filed a suit against the Beirut Blast of the As-Yet-Unnamed Division, accusing the latter of extortion. The allegations arise from the disastrous match that Rovers had against the Oxaxaca Tortugas, during which a masked gunner ran onto the field, screamed "In the name of Allah, I am prepared to die!" and fired a spray of bullets into the middle of the play, injuring all of the Rovers players yet mysteriously failing to cause any harm to any of the Tortugas. He then ran off the pitch and got into the getaway motorcycle just outside Moat Ground. Rovers' office manager, R.S. Gumby, stated that he had a taped phone conversation between himself and the manager of the Blast in which their manager said that "if you don't [accept this trade], well, we can't guarantee that your players will be perfectly safe." Gumby went on to state that his "brain hurts". "I don't believe it!" exclaimed Gresley Rovers' Manager-in-Chief Trevor Green as he stormed into the Rovers' head office at Gresley. "A man gets stranded in a space-time vortex for three weeks and everything grinds to a halt!" What he is referring to, of course, is the bizarre series of events which led to him getting sucked into a vortex in the space-time continuum between Sessions C and D. The end result of this is that he was unable to get to his terminal and forward his Session D orders. Fortunately, one of the Rovers (Queen Elizabeth, the Queen Mother) remembered that they had a few matches to play, so she got 10 of the other players together and had them chauffeured over to the sites of the three matches. Although they put up a good fight, they unfortunately lost all three matches by mercifully small margins. Green has stated that "I sure as heck hope this won't happen again." At a press conference later, he confirmed that he was able to field 11 players for every match despite the injuries in the squad, although he had to make a few "unorthodox" moves. Rigor M is not the name you'd expect for a team with only one loss in twelve matches. The team has had some luck in tight games, but scoring almost four goals for every goal given up is impressing. Some players are having motivation problems, but Manager Sjostrom said he'll sell any player not doing his best to Drunken Stupor. ----- Roster Moves ----- Wainscotting sells R.T. Gumby (MF) to the non-league. Gresley Rovers cut Deanna Troi (FW) and Natasha Yar (FW), no relation to D. Troi and N. Yar on the Humble Startrek Team. Beirut Blast trades Gamal Nasser (MF), David Ben-Gurion (FW), and 2 CPs to Moonshine by Urn for Bloody Nuisance (DF) and $50K. ----- Auction Results ----- Bidders Winner High Name Lot 1: SW/I/6 2 W 231 A.N. Gumby Lot 2: FW/I/6 3 OT 306 Ted Simmons Lot 3: FW/0/3 2 BS 163 Jerry Kleenex Lot 4: Scouting Report 3 DS 11 ??? ----- Free Agents ----- Lot 1: FW/I/9 Lot 2: GK/I/5 Lot 3: DF/0/1 Session F Early Bird Deadline is Wednesday, Feb 20th Final Deadline is Friday, Feb 22nd. match 16: RM @ DS W @ OT GR @ HSV GG @ BS match 17: OT @ RM HSV @ DS W @ BS GG @ GR match 18: HSV @ RM BS @ OT DS @ GG GR @ W ============================================================================== Match 13 ============================================================================== Gresley Rovers vs Bathtub Stoppers 0 - 4 0 - 5 Kapagol (1) Pele (2) Playor (1) ============================================================================== Drunken Stupor vs Oxaxaca Tortugas 0 - 0 0 - 0 Bartles (bk) ============================================================================== Wainscotting vs Humble Startrek Team 1 - 3 1 - 3 L.M. Gumby (bk) McCoy (bk) SOS Gumby (1) Spock (1) Troi (bk) Yar (1) Chekov (1) LaForge (RC) ============================================================================== Rigor M vs Gaucho Goalmongers 4 - 1 9 - 9 Jonsson (1) Jorgensen (1) RN Gumby (2) Randers (1) ============================================================================= Match 14 ============================================================================== Gaucho Goalmongers vs Wainscotting 2 - 5 8 -11 Stopem (bk) ZP Gumby (1) Jorgensen (1) Arc (2) Footloose (1) ML Gumby (2) ============================================================================== Humble Startrek Team vs Oxaxaca Tortugas 0 -10 0 -13 Dobbs (1) Bailey (1) Hay (1) Hiatt (1) Ah (1) Bay (3) O (2) ============================================================================== Gresley Rovers vs Rigor M 0 - 5 0 - 6 Essner (bk) Nord (1) Jonsson (1) Eidem (1) Berlind (1) RN Gumby (1) ============================================================================== Bathtub Stoppers vs Drunken Stupor 3 - 3 2 - 8 Kapagol (2) (1pen) Tonic (bk) Filling (1) Daniels (2) ============================================================================== Match 15 ============================================================================== Rigor M vs Wainscotting 3 - 2 11- 6 Borin (bk) SWB Gumby (1;bk) Lexell (bk) XT Gumby (1) Virtala (1) Lampa (2) ============================================================================== Oxaxaca Tortugas vs Gaucho Goalmongers 1 - 0 2 - 1 Ele (1) ============================================================================== Bathtub Stopper vs Humble Startrek Team 2 - 4 2 - 6 Pele (2) Picard (RC) Spock (1) Troi (bk) Uhura (1) Kirk (2) ============================================================================== Drunken Stupor vs Gresley Rovers 5 - 4 6 - 7 Bartles (1) Ochs (2) Thai (2) Diana (2) Blanca (1) Coke (1) ============================================================================== (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up