UEFL From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones) Date: Fri, 15 Feb 1991 21:22:46 +0000 As Yet Unnamed Division Newsletter Session E CURRENT STANDINGS LP Name W L T GF GA CP TP Cash 21 EB Quarrymen 9 3 3 47 14 3 3 659 20 EB Ajax Amsterdam 9 4 2 24 14 5.5 3 60 20 EB Grand Slam 9 4 2 61 19 4 3 927 19 BOTH Beirut Blast 8 4 3 37 24 7 4 207 18 BOTH Entropy Raiders 8 5 2 44 29 4.5 4 449 15 SC Lions 7 7 1 32 29 3 5 845 13 Uaxactun Tiburones 6 8 1 28 33 2.5 3 546 11 EB Flying Circus 5 9 1 31 41 2 3 575 10 EB Valkeries 5 10 0 36 59 2.5 3 260 3 Davis Red Hawks 1 13 1 5 83 2.5 9 630 ----- Press ----- The Valkeries have fallen a bit behind in goals scored these past few games. There manager was asked what has happened, and his response was " Dose Dam Players ov mine ave gotten demseves urt. " The Manager was asked why he did not show up for the last two games of the last session and he responded " My eam didnt schow... i didnt " One the note of injuries to the Valkeries during the last session they were only able to field on average of nine players, and only one goalie. There alternate goalie had broken his leg earlier in the year when a goal was missed by I. Kant and he kicked the goal post and broke his leg. He was quoted as say " OUCH " on the way to the hospital. The training staff have high hopes the new member of the Valkeries team , Canaeda, who was brought up from the minor leagues, they say that his ouside shooting is increadble for his age, but his ball handling skills have much to be improved on. The Manager was also head late at night praying for more wins and the safty of the Beirut Blasts mascot. latest polls are in : Unluckiest team : Davis Red Hawks 47 % ( so many injuries ) Valkeries 30 % ( same) Beirut Blast 13 % ( their poor mascot ) Happiest team : Valkeries 40 % ( more players to play ) Uaxactun Tiburones 30 % Entropy Raiders 30% ( the universe is falling apart ) Team with the most groupies : Quarrymen 35 people SC Lions 20 people Flying Circus 4 people (no other team had any groupies to speak of) Another informal survey of the many fans around the league reveals the following results concerning the fans beliefs about various teams around the division. (+/- 3%) Meanest Teams: Quarrymen 62% Entropy Raiders 16% Grand Slam 5% Most Despised Team: Beirut Blast 91% (Several statements were made during this survey about misguided appeals to the low ranking teams. Tie: FC,V,DRH 1% (Something about getting a real coach.) Luckiest Team: Entropy Raiders 41% Grand Slam 24% Quarrymen 22% ---------------------------------------------------------------------- From: Owner, the Grand Slam: Dear League, It has come to my attention that through a severe mishap, the GS was allowed to demolish another team on the playing field. I wish to pub- licly appoligize for this incident, but also to explain why and how it happened so that my coach will no be help entirely at fault. As the game verses the Red Hawks progressed the Grand Slam took an early lead of 3 to 0 after 18 minutes of play. Feeling he could take a small break, my coach left for a call of nature. After several minutes he returned, to find that the Grand Slam Players had taken advantage of his absense and the fact that the Red Hawks were playing a number of rookies to amass a 24 to nothing lead. At this point, my coach was very quick to get the game back undercontrol and make sure that this embarrasment would not continue. My players have been given a good talking to and I promise that this will not happen again. Other News (The Grand Slam): Well this session will determine the Grand Slam's place in the division for a long time to come. Up against #1,3, and 5, the Grand Slam will have to pull something big out of its hat to be able to hold on to its 2nd place position. (We have sent a letter to the league scheduling office demanding: "Why the @#$% did you schedule it that way!", but are not hopeful of any changes for this season.) As to a certain prediction for division end placement, the Grand Slam Press Agent claims that the writer of that article was completely mistaken and his predictions were strictly unfounded. In the matter of ganging up on the top team in the league, the Grand Slam management believes this policy, in general, is very bad. (Although, ganging up to beat the Quarrymen may have some merit! ;') One final issue to discuss is the outrageous bids some of my fellow owners are making on these untested rookies. Lets try and get our glands under control and figure some way not to sell the farm when we need a new player. Any suggestions in this area will be greatly appreciated. Best of Luck (to those I'm not playing this session), The Grand Slam ;') The owner of the Entropy Raiders won $1.5M yesterday in the state lottery, thus revealing where exactly the team luck comes from. Rumor has it that he plans to donate all, or at least some, of it to hist team. "He's a really devoted owner," gushed Butterfingers, the Raiders first-string keeper. (Rumor also has it that Butterfingers is dating the owner's daughter, but that's better left for the gossip pages...) After the match against Flying Circus in Beirut yesterday, manager Ingram held a press conference to discuss some of the various issues that have cropped up lately. The most pressing question asked had to do with the Blast's sweeper, Ariel Sharon, who nearly caused a catastrophe in session E due to his insistence on playing sweeper. "Always he says, 'you should play defender this match...you can play sweeper next time..., but this time I say ENOUGH," said Sharon after match 15 yesterday. "I don't care if it blows our sissy little One-Touch-Football that Doug is so fond of lately. I signed on the team to play the sweeper position, and I will do so or die!" In the latest session, Sharon switched from his assigned position at DF to SW right before two separate matches, throwing the whole team out of sync. Luckily, the Blast escaped with two narrow and much-needed victories over Ajax Amsterdam and Flying Circus. Ingram commented on Sharon in the press conference, "Hey, I had NO idea this guy Sharon was such a hard-liner!" Ingram went on to re-emphasize his commitment to the team spirit, "Perhaps what Sharon needs is a little incentive. We'll probably offer to expand his backyard onto some adjacent property and build him a swimming pool. He'll come around. We really need him staying with the game plan." Sharon, however, went on to emphasize his skill at the sweeper position, "Hey, I saved Arafat's bacon in that first match with a block, but all he did was complain that I was infringing on his territory." Arafat had an exceptional session, holding both the Circus and Amsterdam scoreless despite their taking several shots. Arafat's performance may have been sparked by a desire for the Blast to see Sharon as less valuable. "Hey, if they expand his backyard, they have to expand into MY property!" said Arafat on Tuesday, "so obviously I would like to be considered as an equally valuable part of the team." Some other issues were briefly touched upon in the conference: In response to questions about the mascot, Ingram said, "Well, we've managed to keep this one alive for three sessions now. I think the armor plated suit was a real stroke of genius." Ingram was also asked about his status as Most Despised Team in the division and his recent controversial Mid-Season predictions. "Hey, I had a hard enough time just making the NUMBERS add up rght. I didn't even concentrate on whether they were even going to be close. You should be glad that the Wins vs. Losses and the Goals For vs. Against even out. As for the other teams not liking us, I don't know what to say...I guess they're a bunch of wusses or something," Ingram added with a smile(y). ----- Fines ----- The Entropy Raiders attempted to field 12 players in one match this session. An appropriate player was deleted from the lineup. $13K fine. The Davis Red Hawks only fielded 1 MF in three matches this session. The lineups were adjusted. Amount of fine currently under consideration. ----- Trades ----- NONE! (I'm in shock :-) ----- Auction Results ----- Bidders Winner Bid Name 1)DF/III/11 4 AA 211 Danny Blind 2)MF/0/1 4 BB 17 Wolf Blitzer 3)GK/0/1 3 BB 57 Bernie Shaw 4)Scouting Report 4 Q 12 ??? ----- Auction ----- 1)MF/9/I 2)SW/7/I 3)FW/0/0 Session F: Early Bird Deadline is Friday, Febuary 15th. Final Deadline is Wednesday, Febuary 20th. 16 DRH @ Q AA @ FC UT @ V BB @ GS SCL @ ER 17 AA @ DRH FC @ SCL ER @ UT V @ GS BB @ Q 18 DRH @ V Q @ FC UT @ BB GS @ SCL ER @ AA ============================================================================== Match 13 ============================================================================== Grand Slam vs Entropy Raiders 2 - 7 2 - 8 Becker (1) Harvey (3;bk) Cash (1) Mahon (1) Spike (1) Carey (2) ============================================================================== Flying Circus vs Valkeries 2 - 8 2 -14 Jones (1) Demokrit (1) Palin (1) Canaeda (bk) Epikur (3) Heraklit (4) ============================================================================== Beirut Blast vs Ajax Amsterdam 1 - 0 1 - 1 Arafat (bk) Qaddafi (bk) Begin (bk) Rabin (1) ============================================================================== Quarrymen vs Uaxactun Tiburones 0 - 2 1 - 3 Rogers (bk) Blazel (1) Dietzche (bk) Crosby (1) ============================================================================== SC Lions vs Davis Red Hawks 10- 0 Turkle (bk) Unglata (1) Lecheval (3) Dragonwing (1) Hastur (3) Kennaday (2) ============================================================================== Match 14 ============================================================================== Grand Slam vs Ajax Amsterdam 1 - 3 6 - 5 Edberg (1;bk) Rijsbergen (1) Neeskens (1) Wilkes (1) ============================================================================== Valkeries vs Entropy Raiders 0 - 4 0 - 4 Toe (1) Sun (1) Harrison (1) Harvey (1;bk) ============================================================================== SC Lions vs Quarrymen 0 - 4 0 -11 Mae (1) Shears (1) Robert (2) ============================================================================== Uaxactun Tiburones vs Flying Circus 3 - 3 5 - 4 Higuita (1pen) Idle (1) Andre (1) Di. Piranha (bk) Phelan (1) Do. Piranha (1) McGoering (1) ============================================================================== Davis Red Hawks vs Beirut Blast 0 - 4 0 - 8 Begin (1) Chang (2) Botsana (1) ============================================================================== Match 15 ============================================================================== Quarrymen vs Grand Slam 0 - 2 0 - 7 Becker (1;bk) Lendl (bk) de Munoz (1) Pernfors (bk) ============================================================================== Valkeries vs SC Lions 0 - 7 0 -12 Nolsotny (bk) von Talhaben (bk) Unglata (1) Hastur (2) Lazar (4) ============================================================================== Flying Circus vs Beirut Blast 0 - 1 2 - 6 Gilliam (bk) Harta (bk) Di. Piranha (bk) Qaddafi (bk) Nasser (1) ============================================================================== Ajax Amsterdam vs Uaxactun Tiburones 2 - 0 2 - 0 Wouters (1) Rijvers (1) ============================================================================== Entropy Raiders vs Davis Red Hawks 6 - 0 6 - 0 Intosh (1) Onan(1) Cont (1) [inj;conc] Smith (1) Mahon (1) Carey (1) ============================================================================== (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up