PWGeA Report #1 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Admiral Chekov) Date: Mon, 22 Apr 1991 17:38:56 +0000 Professional Wrestling Gamer's Electronic Alliance --- April 22nd, 1991 ------------ --------- ------- ---------- -------- --- ----- ----- ---- Magilla: Hello, this is Magilla Mongoose, live from the Montreal Forum to present the first ever PWGeA Report! Let me introduce our color commentators, Glamourous Jimmy Vendetta... Jimmy: Thanks Magilla, there is really no need to talk about this twit here since I (and only I) am going to be the PWGeA announcer. Magilla: ...and Gord-Yan Solo, the most spaced out announcer of all time. Gord-Yan: Indeed! Magilla: Each and every week, we will explore the plots that develop in this newest of e-mail wrestling feds, talk with wrestlers and managers, and (of course) present full play-by-play of the best matches of the week! Jimmy: That is right, Magilla. Each week, I will interview the most interesting managers and wrestlers in the PWGeA, while the low-class morons will have to bear the dishonor of talking to a vulgar arachnid. Magilla: Watch your language, Jimmy! You are talking about the former PWGA World CHampion, after all! Gord-Yan: Excuse Jimmy^s rude behaviour, it^s not his fault: he has no brain. Anyway, we will not give him any more time to insult the Living Legend of the PWGeA, and future host of the Spider^s Web... Magilla: ... The Tholian Black Widow! ************************************************************************** B.W.: Thanks, Magilla and Gord-Yan, for this nice introduction. Each week, on this show, I will receive the finest of the best athletes in the world. All managers and wrestlers are welcome to write to the PWGeA Office to request an invitation in the Tholian Black Widow^s Web; but beware, I was the PWGA World Champion before, I put an end to Jimmy Vendetta^s career by beating him so often that even Barry O looks like a winner when compared to him, and I am quite capable of defending myself against sneak attacks. So, bad dudes who think that cheating can make a name for yourselves, stay out of the Black Widow^s Web! **************************************************************************** Jimmy (furious): I will not tolerate this! I will sue him for diffamation! He never put an end to my career! He had to cheat all the time to beat me! I will kill him! I will... Gord-Yan: Calm down Jimmy! The PWGeA has existed for about 26 seconds, and you are already talking mass-murder on your fellow commentators! Sheesh! If you are so aggressive, why the hell did you retire? Magilla: OK, thanks gentlemen, we have some work to do here, and that is to report on the PWGeA Title Tournaments! Jimmy (calm): Yeah, you are right. Let^s talk business here! Magilla: All right! First, the All-Jobber tournament, for the prestigious PWGeA Junior Heavyweight title, better known as the All-Jobber belt. Six contenders have entered the tournament; gentlemen, what are your predictions? Gord-Yan: Well, Magilla, in this category we have the closest thing to a returning champion that the PWGeA has: Sargent Glasnost, former PWGA Junior Heavyweight title holder. I think that he should come out on top. Jimmy: Sure, Glasnost is going to be tough to beat, but don^t overlook the abilities of the man from Greater Germany, Baron Von Klaw. His Klaw hold is devastating, and I think that he has what it takes to win it all. PowerChief, The Spewmaster, The Wolfman and Born Loser Lanny Horowitz do not stand a chance. Magilla: I will go with Glasnost as well. Now, the tag-team tournament. Again, we have six participants, including the ubiquitous team of Death and Destruction that seems to pop up in just about every federation these days. What is your prediction, Jimmy? Jimmy: An easy one: The Shadow Assassins. In fact, I would not be surprised to see these guys take ALL the major titles. Magilla: The Assassins are impresisve, yeah, but I like the chances of the Masked Missiles, Tomahawk and The Patriot. They have a lot of PWGA experience, and are a spectacular combo. Gord-Yan: Then again, they never placed higher than No.5 contenders in the old PWGA, so they are probably not as hot as you think. I hate to say it, but I think that Club Anarchy will take it all; those crazy New York artists have a strange but incredibly strong following, and that may lead them to victory. Magilla: Finally, the Singles Tournament, with 12 participants. Jimmy? Jimmy: As I already said, Johnny Vicious and Ricky Dangerous will go all the way; if there is an upset, it will come from Brewster Cogburn, who came into the PWGeA wearing the EMWA Intercontinental belt - That says it all. Gord-Yan: I think that Mr.Mercury is going to win it all; I know his manager, Captain Condom (holder of the Chastity Belt) very well, and he always takes his men to the top! Magilla: My choice is The Cavalier, Bobby Windsor, because he is the cleanest fighter in the PWGeA. The runner-up will probably be Cowboy Kevin Puckett. Jimmy: You guys don^t have a clue! Haven^t you learned yet that I am ALWAYS right? Magilla: We will see, Jimmy... Now, let^s go to Sunn Mooner, at the Event Center, with the first round results! *************************************************************************** Sunn: Thank you, Magilla! In the Singles tournament, four men had first round byes: Johnny Vicious, Death, The Cavalier Bobby Windsor and Plague Dog. In the matches, Cowboy Kevin Puckett made Brewster Cogburn submit to the spinning toehold in 7:45, just after Cogburn^s manager accidentally hit his protege with a cane! Destruction squashed Mr.Mercury in 4:24; Mercury, who had virtually no offense during the match, was knocked out by his own manager too! Sargent Sledge Hammer, of the Marines, disposed of The Black Knight in 7:26, and Ricky Dangerous hardly broke a sweat when he pinned Paul Bobcat Handler in 4:38! In the tag-team tournament, The Russians and The Masked Missiles had byes. Crime and Punishment eliminated Death and Destruction when Slammer Grant Meadows pinned Death after a stunning power slam off the top buckle, in 9:34! The Shadow Assassins destroyed Club Anarchy in 4:35, leaving the few Club fans completely speechless! Finally, in the all-jobber tournament, The Wolfman and Baron Von Klaw had the byes. Sargent Glasnost pinned The Spewmaster in 5:37, and Born Loser Lanny Horowitz won his first match ever by pinning PowerChief in 5:34! The second round was even more exciting! Cowboy Puckett pinned Johnny Vicious in 10:44, Death defeated his partner Destruction in 5:24, Sargent Sledge Hammer pinned The Cavalier Bobby Windsor in 7:34, and Ricky Dangerous won by countout against Plague Dog, in 6:44. Crime and Punishment repeated their first round scenario and dominated the Russians in 6:41, while The Shadow Assassins won a magnificent match over the Masked Missiles in (get this) 23:44! Finally, in the All-Jobber tournament, Sargent Glasnost squashed the Wolfman in 2:46, while Baron Von Klaw ran over Lanny Horowitz, who was counted out of the ring after 3:25. In the Singles semi-finals, Death pinned Cowboy Kevin Puckett in 8:24 and Sargent Sledge Hammer defeated Ricky Dangerous in 5:50. **************************************************************************** MAgilla: WOOOOH! What action! Let^s recap here: Sargent Glasnost will face Baron Von Klaw for the Jobber belt, Crime and Punishment will wrestle The Shadow Assassins for the tag-team belts, and Death will battle Sargent Sledge Hammer for the World title, the loser of this match becoming the North American champion! Jimmy: That^s right, and two of my three favourites are still there! MAgilla: All right, let^s go to ring announcer Coward Pickle who will present the participants for the All-Jobber Championship match! ***************************************************************************** Coward: Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is for the PWGeA All-Jobber Championship, it is scheduled for one fall, with no time limit! Introducing first...(jeers from the crowd) coming down the aisle, from Washington, Third Reich (VERY loud boos), weighing 220 pounds... BARON VON KLAW! (BOOOO!) And his opponent...(Wild cheers as the Soviet anthem resounds) From the Soviet Union, weighing 267 pounds...Here is Sargent Glasnost!!! Magilla: The bell rings, and the opponents lock up... Immediately, Sargent Glasnost takes control and takes the Baron to the mat with an armdrag. Jimmy: Sargent Glasnost is a strictly technical wrestler, who always tries to wear down the arm of his opponent, because his finisher is the Japanese Armlock: he locks the opponent^s arm around his leg and starts plunging all over the ring, repeatedly slamming his opponent to the mat in the process! Magilla: For now, Glasnost has the Baron in an armbar... he tries for a hiptoss... Blacked by Von Klaw, who breaks the armlock with a thumb to the Sargent^s throat! Jimmy: Whata resourceful man, this Baron Von Klaw! HAHAHAHAHA! Magilla: Uh, puh-lease! Von Klaw throws his opponent to the ropes... catches him with a choke hold and a slam! OOH! That must HURT! Von Klaw lifts the Sarge by the hair...kicks him to the midsection! He will try to go for the neckbreaker... BUT GLASNOST REVERSES the hold into a chicken wing! Jimmy: One thing you can^t do is try to beat Glasnost with holds; the man knows ALL of them! Come on, Baron, CHEAT a little! Magilla: Glasnost still maintaining the Chicken Wing...lifts the Baron in the air and suplexes him without losing the Wing! What an unusual maneuver! Glasnost sends the Baron to the ropes and bows down for a back body drop... Baron Von Klaw leapfrogs over him and punches him in the head! Glasnost falls neck first on the second rope! Baron Von Klaw choking his opponent on the ropes! Come on, ref, get in there! Jimmy: Baron has 5 seconds to break the hold; why is it that you always want the referees to break choke holds after 0.0005 seconds? Magilla: Von Klaw waiting for Sargent Glasnost to stand up... The Sarge painfully makes it back to its feet... AND VON KLAW APPLIES THE KLAW HOLD! Jimmy: That^s it! Von Klaw is going to be the champion! Magilla: Sargent Glasnost falling to the ground... Von Klaw covers... One! TWo! Three! Coward: The winner of this bout, and NEW PWGeA All-Jobber champion, after 4 minutes and 44 seconds: Baron Von Klaw! (BBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!) Magilla: This is it, the PWGeA has crowned its very first champion, in the person of Baron Von Klaw! But there are still many more titles to come! *************************************************************************** Coward: This next contest, scheduled for one fall, is for the PWGeA World Tag-team championship! Introducing first to mu left, hailing from Chicago, Illinois, and weighing a combined 513 pounds... Ricky Dangerous... Johnny Vicious... THE Shadow Assassins! (BOOOOOOOOOH!) And their opponents (cheers)... At a total combined weight of 430 pounds... here are Slammer Grant Meadows and Inferno Craig Sommers, Crime and Punishment! Magilla: This is going to be an interesting battle, because Slammer is also from Chicago and doesn^t really like the Assassins! Jimmy: What is Sommers carrying? A torch or something... HEY, WAIT A MINUTE! It^s a burning Shadow Assassins poster! This is despicable! Magilla: Well, now we know why he calls himself The Inferno... Anyway, Craig Sommers, a veteran who has held three world titles in as many federations in the past, is going to try to win a fouth one tonight with his new partner, former inmate Grant Meadows! Jimmy: You mean they let an ex-con in this ring? What has he been convicted of? Magilla: Uh... Assault. Jimmy: OH GREAT! Now we are goinf to have a tag-team of murderers! What a great schtick: if you beat us, we kill you! THAT is wrestling all right! Magilla: Oh, come on, Jimmy! This guy is fully rehabilitated! Jimmy: Let^s see if mister Gun Fury here will be able to control his temper; he is going to start off the match against Rick Dangerous. Magilla: As soon as the bell rings, Dangerous is all over his opponent with punches and kicks! Slammer receives a headbutt, but will not fall! Dangerous off the ropes... Shoulder block, and Meadows doesn^t bulge! Dangerous to the ropes again... another shoulder block with no effect on the Slammer! Ricky Dangerous spins his opponent around and lifts him for an atomic drop, BUT SLAMMER ROLLS OVER BACKWARD and tries to pick up Dangerous for a body slam... uh, oh: Dangerous was quicker, and tagged to Johnny Vicious! Jimmy: Good teamwork, here, on the part of the Assassins; meanwhile, Inferno is still grilling hot-dogs over his burning posters. Go figure. Magilla: Vicious off the ropes... Handspring and elbow smash! WOW! What agility! Slammer is back on his feet... Dropkick by Vicious! Vicious picks up Meadows, throws him into the ropes... POwer bomb! Meadows is lying flat on his back! OH! COME ON! Vicious is stepping on his opponent^s stomach; get in there, ref! Jimmy: Here we go again... Magilla: Vicious picks up Meadows... Nails him with a DDT! I tell you, Meadows will not last much longer at this pace! Jimmy: It seems that our ex-con doesn^t like it as much when he is on the receiving end of the assault... GO GET HIM, JOHNNY! Magilla: Meadows on his knees... He hitsVicious with an axe handle! Another axe handle! Meadows is back to his feet and still nailing Vicious with axe handles to the back and to the neck! He picks him up for a body slam...NO! Vicious blocked the move! Vicious to the ropes... misses with the clothesline... bounces off the ropes again... Meadows getting ready for a back body drop, but Vicious catches him off-guard with a beautiful rolling neckbreaker, and tags out to Rick Dangerous! Jimmy: And Inferno has not placed one foot in the ring yet! Magilla: Meadows in the corner... Dangerous winding up for a BIG right hand... Meadows ducks, and dangerous punches the buckle! He is in pain! Meadows crawls back to his corner and tags Craig Sommers! Jimmy: Oh, about time! Magilla: Sommers places Dangerous in s backbreaker, as Meadows leaps off the second rope to drop an elbow to the throat, Demolition style! WOW! Does this Meadows recover FAST or what! Sommers gets Dangerous up for a suplex... Dangerous blocks the move, but Sommers makes it the second time and tags the Slammer; Sommers places Dangerous in a piledriver and Meadows jumps off the ropes to spike it! Jimmy: The masters of the double-teaming! NOW, you should tell the ref o interfere! Magilla: Dangerous tries to crawl back to Vicious, but Meadows catches him by the trunks, revealing a large portion of his anatomy! Clothesline to the back of the neck by Slammer! Dangerous is back up, but gets nailed with an Atomic Drop! Slammer picks him up AND CLIMBS THE TURNBUCKLE FOR THE SUPERSLAM! WHAM! Slammer covers: one, two... Vicious kicks him in the head to save the day! Slammer tags to the Inferno, who whips Dangerous to the ropes... beautiful chop to the neck by Inferno! He gets Dangerous back up, and locks him into the abdominal stretch! Inferno is trying to roll Dangerous over for the pin! Jimmy: No, come on, Ricky! COme on! Magilla: YES!, Sommers has rolled Dangerous over his hip and glued his shoulders to the mat! ONE! TWO! THREE! Crime and Punishment win it! Coward: The winners of this bout, in 9:45, and NEW PWGeA Tag-team champions... Crime and Punishment! Magilla: It^s good guys one, bad guys one! Jimmy: Mumblemumblemumblemumble... ********************************************************** Coward: This next contest, our final for tonight, will determine the PWGeA World Heavyweight champion! Introducing first... (a chill in the arena; no reaction from the crowd, who is just scared stiff) from Parts Unknown, weighing 350 pounds... DEATH! And his opponent... (WILD cheers) From the 3012th Marine Division, weighing 230 pounds, Sargent Sledge Hammer! Magilla: Big, powerful Death, to face the Sargent, a master of the martial arts. Any comments, Jimmy? Jimmy: Yeah, a second defeat for the Sargeants tonight, in less than 3 minutes. Magilla: I wouldn^t be so sure... The bell rings, and Death pounds on the Sarge with a big fist! Whips him off the ropes... and catches him with one of those size 34 boots! Jimmy: Look at Death^s eyes! They are all white! No pupil! Magilla: Clothesline by Death! He ppicks up the Sarge.. throws him in the turnbuckle, but Sarge reverses and throws Death in the ropes instead! Death off the ropes... WOW! What a mule kick by the Sargent! Neck Chop! Karate Kick! The Sargent is pounding Death into oblivion! Jimmy: Yeah, but fatigue is going to be a factor, here; remember that Death has wrestled only twice tonight, not three times as the Sargent, and that one of these matches was against his partner, so they may have staged something to save Death&s energy for later... Magilla: Sargent besides Death... locks the legs for a Midnight Express style trip and slam! Death gets back up as if nothing had happened, only to meet another neck chop... but this one had no effect! Death catches Sarge, whips him to the ropes... Sargent comes off with a Flying Roundkick! WOW! Death is down! Sarge throws him into the ropes.. Shoulder Throw! Sarge covers: one, two, Death kicks out! Both men are back up, Sarge shouts a Kiai and starts pounding on Death with a combination of punches at blurring speed! Death goes down hard, Sarge covers: one, two, Death kicks out! Jimmy: What resistance on the part of Death! Magilla: Indeed! Sargent Hammer hits him with another karate kick... And another shoulder throw! Sargent covers: one, two, three! HE DID IT! Coward: The winner, and NEW PWGeA WOrld Champion, Sargent Sledge Hammer! ************************************************************************* Magilla: So that is it: Sargent Sledge Hammer is the World champion, Death gets the North American title as a consolation prize, Crime And Punishment are the tag-team champions, and Baron Von Klaw holds the All-Jobber Belt! That wraps up our Introductory league report; you have until this Thursday night, 6 PM EDT to send in your matches for next week! This week, Sargent Hammer will defend against Plague Dog, Death will face... hum... Lanny Horowitz??? Really??? Anyway, we will see a return match between The Shadow Assassins and Crime and Punishment for the tag-team titles, and Baron Von Klaw will defend against PowerChief! So, see ya at the matches next Monday on PWGeA Report! =========================================================================== = Francois-Dominic Laramee, = "Whether you like it, or don't like it, = = a.k.a. l'invincible Super-Meo = look at it, 'cause it's the best in = = laramee@iro.umontreal.ca = the world today. WHHOOOOOHHHH!!! " = = u1684@jsp.umontreal.ca = Nature Boy Ric Flair = =========================================================================== Up