UEFL From: jbillone@jarthur.Claremont.EDU (Jeremy Billones) Date: Sat, 09 Mar 1991 23:42:55 +0000 UEFL Newsletter - Peripheral Division Session G LP Name W L T GF GA CP TP Cash 34 Rigor M 17 4 0 93 30 1.5 3 1118 28 BOTH Wainscotting 13 6 2 78 44 5 3+1 430 28 MVP Oxaxaca Tortugas 12 5 4 65 33 5.5 3 772 24 Gaucho Goalmongers 11 8 2 44 33 1.5 3 322 17 BOTH Bathtub Stoppers 7 11 3 47 58 5 3 932 16 EB Gresley Rovers 7 12 2 47 58 3.5 5 509 15 Drunken Stupor 5 11 5 43 53 2 3 1113 6 Humble StarTrek Team 2 17 2 12 120 2 5 492 ----- Adjustments ----- Rigor M listed the same player twice at the same position in one match. This resulted in RM fielding 10 players in one match. No fine. ----- News ----- Gresley News by Appointment to Their Majesties Queen Elizabeth II and Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother As the season draws to its conclusion, Gresley Rovers are taking a retrospective of the season. Manager Trevor Green ascribes the team's current low standing to his problems before Session D, resulting in losing every match in the following two sessions. The one bright spot of the season so far has been the outstanding performance of the goalkeeping squad which currently has the only two contenders for the League's coveted "Highest-scoring goalkeeper" award. Lady Godiva leads the pack with 2 goals, followed by Yannick Noah with 1. 68 keepers are tied for third place. Saying goodbye to the Rovers squad this session is veteran keeper Anne Sullivan, who requested a transfer to Rovers' non-league farm team, the Saskatoon Berries, so that she could be closer to "the apple of her eye", sweeper Emmett Kelly who retired from the Rovers squad last session to become a full-time circus clown. The couple is expected to be married next year. Another couple of couples that Rovers are wishing luck in their marriage are: ex-Rover Donna Pope and Yin Yang from the AYU Division's Grand Slam, and ex-Rover Princess Diana and Q.P. Gumby from their "sister" team, Wainscotting. Not leaving the squad, but reportedly "taking a breather" this session, is The Queen Mother. She has not been feeling 100% (closer to 40%, actually) since the sprained ankle she suffered in Session D was exacerbated by the bout of 'flu which hit her and some other players on the Rovers squad after Session E. Despite that, she is keeping pace in the scoring race with the younger players on the team, potting her fifth goal from a corner kick to put Gresley ahead of the Humble StarTrek Team in the second minute of injury time for the 4-3 win. The only player to have scored more often for the Rovers this season is young Queen Beatrix, an import from the Netherlands. Coach Green says of the Queen Mum, "I know her stats sheet says she's a IV/2, but she's never played like one!" The Queen Mum says that she will retire from playing once the season has run its course, but she intends to maintain an active role in the club as scoring coach and cider brewer. Meanwhile, the grounds crew at Moat Ground are preparing for heightened security during Session I when Wainscotting visit Gresley Rovers for their final encounter of the season. All the pipes, wiring and infrastructure for the entire stadium are being checked in minute detail, and measures are being taken to ensure that nothing strange plagues the match, as both previous matches have witnessed utility failures which are believed by the League administration to have been acts of sabotage by the teams in question. The grounds staff have been asked to frisk all spectators and team members as they arrive at the field and monitor the movements of all the players until they leave the stadium, and the Chairman has ordered that the new electronic scoreboard which was installed at the home end of the pitch not be used. Instead, two league officials will deliver all the scoreboard's information to the crowd in semaphore. The match's starting time has been moved from 7 P.M. to 10:30 A.M. so that floodlight failure will not be an issue. Neither team will be able to wear any equipment not considered part of the normal football strip and nothing bearing any corporate logo will be allowed. Although no charges have been laid by the league on the teams for the events at the last two matches, they have been told that "all suspect occurrences will be fully investigated." * News from the tub * The doors were locked and the black flags were out as the Stoppers went 0-3-0 in Session E. Sadly with the games against the top teams the Stoppers were sure to be short changed. Rumours are that Kevin Frish is helping to freshen up the locker room with his somewhat earthy air. Lets hope he grows to his full potential on the field. Giddily riding the excitement of its first MVP, Wainscotting prepared for another session with two road matches hoping for the best. "We only have one more two-road-game session," Manager Steve Buffum noted, "but we don't want to be caught looking past the Stupor after their upset of the mighty cadavers, nor the Goalmongers, who are still ahead of us in the standings, and we are still stinging from the loss on Star Fleet's home pitch." Nonetheless, both of Wainscotting's loyal fans hoped that continued success would spell an opportunity to wrest second place from the snapping jaws of the Tortugas and the stylish goalmongering of the Gauchos. In player news, goalkeeper Scott Teissler became expendable with the addition of V.W. Gumby, and although he lamented not having many opportunities to play behind his old Amdahl mates at defense, he expressed little regret at being sold to the non-league. "Manager Buffum was gentle about announcing my departure," Teissler said, "but I still think it was not necessary for me to sleep in the team bus on the road. Even K.J. Gumby gets a bed, and he hasn't played once all year!" [Tom T. Nose, Bud Bowl, Milwaukee] Coach Eacker was estatic with the win over Rigor M. He felt the guys did very well in holding up the honor of the crew. And the Win over the Trekkies was welcome, although he was disappointed with the results against the Goal Mongers. He was a little disconcerted against having to play three of the better teams in this round, but felt that the practices have been going well. The 'Mongers got back on the winning track last session by posting two big wins. The players are hoping that they can ride that momentum into their big match at RM. "We haven't had much luck against them so far," said the Gauchos' anonymous head coach, "but maybe our luck will change when we field yet another new line up against them." In other news, it was announced that beer sales for the entire game will be resumed for the Goalmongers' home game against Wainscotting. Rumours that the management was hoping that the Wainscotting players might be affected adversely when covered with beer were fueled by an unconfirmed report that the team vice-president said that he felt no compassion for Wainscotting because "they are a bunch of damn gumbies anyway." Apparently, closed paractices did absolutely no good for the Tortugas as foes Wainscotting and Rigor M combined to score 17 goals off of an Oxaxaca defense that had allowed only 16 goals all season. When asked what he intended to do about this breakdown, manager Ferguson responded "Send more men forward!". ----- Roster Moves ----- The Humble Startrek Team signs Sarek (MF) and Mr. Riker (FW) from the minor leagues. The Gresley Rovers sell Anne Sullivan (GK) to the non-league. ----- Auction Results ----- Bids High Club Name Lot 1: DF 0/3 3 100 HST T'Pau Lot 2: MF 0/3 4 200 HST Harry Mudd ----- Free Agents ----- Lot 1: MF II/10 Lot 2: DF 0/0 These are the last 2 for Peripheral. Session H Early Bird Deadline is Wednesday, March 13st. Final Deadline is Friday, March 15th. ============================================================================== Match 19 ============================================================================== Rigor M vs Bathtub Stoppers 1 - 2 4 - 4 Eidem (1) Kapagol (2) ============================================================================== Gresley Rovers vs Oxaxaca Tortugas 0 - 4 0 - 9 E.J. Gumby (bk) Hundley (2) Hiatt (1) Aiy (1) ============================================================================== Wainscotting vs Drunken Stupor 4 - 4 7 - 5 Z.P. Gumby (bk) Tonic (2) X. T. Gumby (1) Stout (1) S.W.B. Gumby (3;bk) Coke (bk) Daniels (1) ============================================================================== Gaucho Goalmongers vs Humble Startrek Team 6 - 1 9 - 1 Alonzo (3) McCoy (1) Jorgensen (3) ============================================================================= Match 20 ============================================================================== Humble Startrek Team vs Wainscotting 0 -10 0 -13 Z.P. Gumby (1) Reeds (1;bk) S.O.S. Gumby (2) S.W.B. Gumby (3) Y.A. Gumby (2) M.L. Gumby (1) ============================================================================== Oxaxaca Tortugas vs Drunken Stupor 0 - 0 1 - 0 Elob (RC) B. Lite (bk) ============================================================================== Gaucho Goalmongers vs Rigor M 0 - 5 1 - 9 Sanchez (bk) Vollen [inj;lig] Alonzo (bk) Jonsson (1) Rockett (bk) Eidem (1;bk) Virtala (1) R.N. Gumby (1) Randers (1) Boklund (bk) ============================================================================== Bathtub Stoppers vs Gresley Rovers 0 - 0 0 - 0 Elizabeth II (bk) Curren [inj;spr] ============================================================================== Match 21 ============================================================================== Oxaxaca Tortugas vs Humble Startrek Team 11- 0 14- 0 Dobbs (1) Aiy (1) Effe (1) S (2) Bench (2) O (2) Bay (1) Ah (1) ============================================================================== Rigor M vs Gresley Rovers 1 - 3 9 - 5 Lexell (bk) Bonaparte (2) Virtala (1) Welch (1) Boklund (bk) ============================================================================== Drunken Stupor vs Bathtub Stoppers 1 - 7 1 - 8 B. Lite (1) Mis (bk) M. Lite (bk) Frish (1) Filling (bk) Pele (2) Ale (bk) Kapagol (3) Coke (bk) Kleenex (1) ============================================================================== Wainscotting vs Gaucho Goalmongers 1 - 0 2 - 0 Tom (1) Yaya (bk) Ngumbo (bk) ============================================================================== (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up