PWGeA Report #4 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Mon, 13 May 1991 23:05:04 +0000 PWGeA REPORT # 4! ----- ------ - -- Magilla: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to this week's PWGeA Report! This is Magilla Mongoose, along with the Glamourous Jimmy Vendetta, and of course everybody here is talking about this Thursday's SuperCard!" Jimmy (flexing his muscles): "That's right, this coming Thursday, me and my buddies The Shadow Assassins are going to send the Black Cockroach and whoever is crazy enough to team up with him back into retirement, and then I will challenge Sargent Sledge Hammer for the World Title!" Magilla: "But before you do all that, Jimmy, we still have a Report to write, and Boy, do we have things to say this week!" Jimmy: "The first two title changes in PWGeA history happened last Friday at the Hartford Civic Center! Before we tell you the results, let's go to the Zookeeper and his Russians, who had these comments before their title shot against Crime and Punishment..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zookeeper: "Crime and Punishment! Your short-lived title reign comes to an end tonight! The Russians are gonna take the belts back to Mother Russia! Say goodbye to Crime and Punishment!" (The Russians walk to the ring with fake title belts on their shoulders; the Zookeeper and the SpewMaster are with them.) ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "Well, that was Tuesday, and the Russians and still beltless, because Craig "The Inferno" Sommers nailed Panther's shoulders to the mat with his Abdominal Stretch, for the three count, in 10:30!" Jimmy: "Yeah, but don't count the Russians out yet, Mongoose; these guys are proud fighters, and they will be back. Besides, if they don't win the belts, their superiors will exile them to the South Pole... or worse yet, to the USWA." Magilla (shuddering): "Yech! That's a fate I would not wish to anybody, not even the Russians!" Jimmy: "However, Crime and Punishment's celebration didn't last too long, because after the match, the Russians and the Spewmaster assaulted Grant Meadows with chairs, and delivered three Russian Sickles on him before Craig Sommers somehow managed to wrest a blowtorch away from the SpewMaster and drive them away!" Magilla: "Probably still shaken, Crime and Punishment had to face the No.1 contenders, the Masked Missiles, later during the week." Jimmy: "And as usual, the big overweight blub-bomb that could not shoot down a rubber ducky and his chicken-feathered Sioux buddy had lots of uninteresting comments to make..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tomahawk: "Crime and Punishment! It's almost sad that you beat the Russians earlier this week, because we won't get the chance to nuke them down for the belts!" Patriot: "But on the other hand, I am glad that their filthy paws didn't touch the gold; they could have melted the belts into machine guns or something." Both: "Slammer, Inferno, it's do or die..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "And it was die, because Chief Tomahawk clinched the victory for his team when he pinned Slammer Grant Meadows a the 8:18 mark, after a Tomahawk Drop from the top rope! The Masked Missiles become the second World Tag-Team champions!" Jimmy: "And the Russians will make sure that third World Tag-Team champions be crowned in a few weeks, in a tournament, after the Missiles retire to their catnip gardens!" Magilla: "Oh, puh-lease! Let's go to Sunn Mooner, at the PWGeA Event Center, who has results from more matches!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Sunn Mooner is sitting at a newsroom desk, in front of several TV screens showing various matches supposedly "broadcast live across the world", but one can see that the guys in the backgroud are in fact editing some goofs out of the next PWGeA SUperStars of Wrestling broadcasts...) Sunn: "Thank you Magilla. You already know the results of the two tag-team title matches; another belt changed hands this week, when Ricky Dangerous upset Death to win the North American Heavyweight belt! The Assassin pinned the former champion in 7:56. Sargent Sledge Hammer successfully defended the World title against the Black Knight, for the second week in a row. The champion pinned his challenger in 3:19, when Brewster Cogburn (who had decided to lend a hand to his BK buddy) KOed the Knight with a good cane shot on the head! And finally, Baron Von Klaw is still the All-Jobber champ; this week, he defeated Sargent Glasnost, who submitted to the Klaw in 5:08. And now, here is the Tholian Black Widow, in the Spider's Web!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ***************** THE SPIDER'S WEB ****************** Spider: Now it's time for me to introduce my guests this week, the men who said they would take the tag team titles, but couldn't, the Shadow Assassins! (The Shadow Assassins walk out and recieve boos from the fans; Rick Dangerous wears the North American heavyweight title belt around his waist.) Spider: Last time you said you didn't have enough rest, well what's your excuse for not getting the job done this time? Johnny V: Rest? You should talk about rest, old man. How long have you been retired anyway? Fifty years? If you got in the ring now, even Lanny Horowitz could beat you. And look at Ricky here; isn't this what you call "getting the job done"? The tag belts will just have to wait a while... we've got the singles World Title on our minds. Ricky D: Those two common criminals made the biggest mistake of their life when they showed up for that match. They lucked out again, but guess what, after the pounding we gave them they couldn't even beat those two prelim bums Death and Destruction. And now, they are not even the champs anymore! Spider: Death was the North American Champion, he isn't a prelim bum! Johnny Vicious, being ranked below most jobbers, can you give me some insight as to what prelim status is like? Johnny V: I've heard enough from you! It isn't winning that's important, it's terror! We'll terrorize all the wrestlers in the PWGeA, but we won't stop there! We're going to terrorize the audience, the ushers, the referees, and even the announcers. Ricky D: And in case you haven't guessed from what happened to you at the Spider's Web Bar and Grill, this means you, punk. The Shadow Assassins jump the Tholian Black Widow before he can react but he recovers quickly and decks Johnny Vicious! Ricky Dangerous grabs the Black Widow from behind and holds him still while Vicious gets back up and grabs a chair! He winds up to clobber the former champion, but two wrestlers, dressed in black and wearing black masks, rush onto the stage to make the save, and the Assassins, being outnumbered, quickly "retreat" to the dressing rooms... Spider: You see these guys? They are going to be my partners this Thursday night, at the SuperCard. You know them, but for now, let's just say that they are the Masked Avengers... And that we are going to destroy the Assassins and Jimmy Vendetta! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "You know, Jimmy, these Avengers do look familiar, but I can't decide who they really are..." Jimmy: "I'm not sure either, but I'll bet my a** that it's the former champions, Crime and Punishment. Or maybe some of the Black Widow's old teammates, back when the Ultimate Trekkies were in the PWGA... The Klingons? The Romulan Mauler? DAMN!" Magilla: "We will let Jimmy wonder who is going to break his neck this coming Thursday, and we will show you a short clip recorded earlier with The Spewmaster before returning to Sunn Mooner with more results; when we come back, we will have a feature match between Cowboy Kevin Puckett and teh Effeminate Enforcer!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Zookeeper: Spewmaster came to the PWGeA for one reason only. That reason was to give out pain and punishment. Born Loser, I think you have suffered enough...we're going to put you out of your misery. Spewmaster: SPEW! (covers camera lens with green mist) (Both then walk to the ring) ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "The Born Loser may not have been put out of his misery, put he was carried out on a stretcher, once again, after his cruhing defeat at the hands of the SpewMaster, in 1:29. The Zookeeper throttled Lanny with his whip before SpewMaster spat his green mist in his face. The two combatants weighed a combined 370 pounds; Jimmy Vendetta claims that the ring had to be specially weakened for this match. In a non-title match, Sargent Sledge Hammer pinned Brewster Cogburn in 5:20 despite endless interference from Cogburn's manager, Jack Moran, the Man with the Plan. Crime and Punishment defeated Club Anarchy in 9:11. The Club has not yet won a match in the PWGeA, but its performance against the former champions was very impressive. The Cavalier, Bobby Windsor, pinned Johnny Vicious in 4:58. Rick Dangerous could not interfere, because Sledge Hammer was guarding the access to the ring! Mr. Mercury raked a third superb victory in a row, pinning the No.1 Contender to the world title, The Black Knight, in 5:33! The Wolfman savored victory for the first time when he pinned PowerChief at the 2:58 mark. And finally, Plague Dog destroyed Sargent Glasnost in 4:58. Now, let's go the clip that we recorded at the Nassau Coliseum, home of the New York Islanders, of the match between the ever-popular Cowboy Kevin Puckett and a newcomer to the PWGeA, the Effeminate Enforcer!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ("Cowboy" Kevin Puckett is in his traditional Lone Star shorts with finged white wrestling boots.) Cowboy Kevin Puckett: Well Mr. Enforcer, if I can call ya mr., you'll see tonight why the "Cowboy" has only one defeat under his belt, and why I will soon be the next North American Champion. YAHOO! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gord-Yan: "Hi, Gord-Yan Solo here at ringside for the match between Cowboy Kevin and the Effeminate Enforcer, and we have a very special VIP in the front row tonight: the World's Heavyweight champion, Sledge Hammer. Any comments, Sarge?" Sargent Hammer "You know, this should be a good match. Its always nice to see new talent in the sport. On the other hand, perhaps we could use a little more "manly" competition. " Gord-Yan: "Well, the Enforcer may have a unique look, but don't underestimate him! Coward Pickle is in the ring to introduce the combatants; let's go to the action." Coward: "Ladies and gentlemen, this feature matchup is a singles bout, scheduled for one fall! Coming down the aisle, from Crass County Georgia....(a lone figure, wearing a lavender overcoat and carrying a can of air freshener and a billy club, walks to the ring), weighing 260 pounbs, The Effeminate Enforcer! (Some fans boo, some cheer, most simply laugh)... And his opponent (Big cheers!)... From Texas, weighing in at 235 pounds, "Cowboy" Kevin Puckett!" Magilla: "My, this Effeminate Enforcer is really something else!" Jimmy: "He's a wimp, Mongoose, just like the Black Cockroach." Magilla: "The bell rings, and Cowboy Kevin can barely repress a laugh when he sees his opponent's pink trunks and baby-powder blue kneepads! Cowboy Kevin dances a little bit... He jumpsin the air for the Super Kick, but the Enforcer catches him in midair and Gorilla Presses him! Wow! That ought to convince those who thought that the Enforcer was no legitimate competition!" Jimmy: "Sargent Sledge is taking notes, but I don't think that he has to worry too much about either one of these guys right now..." Magilla: "Enforcer all over Puckett! Big punch to the gut! Kick to the head! Headbutt! Cowboy Kevin is wavering!.. The Enforcer levels him with a short clothesline!" Jimmy: "Cowboy K is looking just like his old man, Iron Zak: a pretty boy who spends most of his ringtime lying flat on his back." Magilla: "Gimme a break! Enforcer tosses Kevin Puckett out of the ring and waves his mauve handkerchief at him! The fans are laughing their heads off, even if Kevin is one of their favourites!" Jimmy: "Which goes to tell you how unreliable these morons really are." Magilla: "Cowboy Kevin back in the ring... Enforcer scoops him up.... NO! He can't lift Kevin, who reverses the move and Suplexes the... hum, let's say ladies champion! Cowboy Kevin applies a headlock on the Enforcer... Enforcer gets out of it by throwing Kevin into the ropes... Power Bomb! Enforcer back in control; he picks up Cowboy Kevin, whips his to the buckle... No, reversal by Kevin, who whips the Enforcer to the ropes... Bang! Good ol' Texas style left hook! And an uppercut! Enforcer in the ropes again... Kevin introduces him to his big boot, in the face!" Jimmy: "It's a good thing that the fan favourites are called 'faces' in this era, and not 'scientific wrestelrs'." Magilla: "Sure is! Cowboy Kevin lifts his opponent by the hair... Enforcer spins him around, lifts his in the air... Atomic Drop!.. Enforcer presses Cowboy Kevin again... Power Slam! Enforcer bounces off the ropes... Falling headbutt...Missed! Cowboy Kevin rolled away just[ in time! Kevin now atomic drops his opponent in his turn! " Jimmy: "This Cowboy can take a tremendous amount of punishment; I must say that he is impressive tonight." Magilla: "Cowboy Kevin kicks the Enforcer in the knee, and signals to the crowd! He applies the spinning toehold! One spin! Two spins! Three spins! But the Enforcer kicks him in the butt to break the hold! Cowboy Kevin charges... The Enforcer catches him off guard and powerslams him! He covers! One! Two! Kickout! Kevin back on his feet, quickly returns to the spinning toehold!... He got it! The Enforcer submits!" Coward: "The winner, in 9:18, Cowboy Kevin Puckett!" (The crowd cheers as the Cowboy celebrates his victory with a nice dance. The Effeminate Enforcer limps back to the dressing room, to mostly cheers.) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "That was our last regular match for this week; let's take a look at the standings: PWGeA World Champion: Sargent Sledge Hammer, 9-0, 47.54 North American champ: Ricky Dangerous, 3-1, 36 All-Jobber Champion: Baron Von Klaw, 5-1, 31.84 1. Destruction, 2-1, 39 2. Mr. Mercury, 3-1, 38.75 3. Black Knight, 2-4, 37.32 4. Plague Dog, 1-3, 36.5 5. Effeminate Enforcer, 0-1, 36 6. Death, 4-2, 35.32 7. Cavalier Bobby Windsor, 2-3, 29.4 8. Cowboy Kevin Puckett, 4-1, 29.2 9. Born Loser Lanny Horowitz, 1-5, 26.56 10. Sargent Glasnost, 4-3, 21.92 11. Spewmaster, 1-3, 20.25 12. Paul Bobcat Handler, 0-3, 18 13. PowerChief, 0-3, 14.33 14. Brewster Cogburn, 1-3, 13.5 15. Johnny Vicious, 0-2, 13 16. Wolfman, 1-3, 10.75 World Tag-Team champions: The Masked Missiles, 2-1, 78 1. Crime and Punishment, 7-3, 57.09 2. The Russians, 2-2, 50.75 3. Death and Destruction, 1-2, 50.67 4. Shadow Assassins, 2-3, 41.2 5. Club Anarchy, 0-4, 21.25 Next week's title matches: Sargent Sledge HAmmer vs Destruction for the World Title Ricky Dangerous vs Mr. Mercury for the North American belt Baron Von Klaw vs Bobby Windsor for the Jobber title Masked Missiles vs Crime and Punishment for the tag-team straps. That's it for me, here's Magilla with the final word..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "OK, here is the final rundown of matches for this Thursday's supercard: The Shadow Assassins and Jimmy Vendetta vs Tholian Black Widow and The Masked Avengers (Survivor Series match) Black Knigyt, Brewster Cogburn and Baron Von Klaw vs Bobby Windsor, Sledge Hammer and Cowboy Kevin Puckett (Survivor Series match) The Jungle vs The Allied Forces (Survivor series match) Born Loser LAnny Horowitz vs Club Anarchy ("Modest Proposal" Handicap match) Plague Dog vs Wolman in a Batlle of the Beasts Death and Destruction vs Sword and Shield in a Welcome match plus a surprise exhibition match! Don't forget to send in your pre-match interviews before Wednesday, 5 PM, EDT; any material rceived later may be discarded, so hurry up! And that wraps up this week's Report; for Sunn Mooner, the Black Widow and Jimmy Vendetta, who is busy flexing his few sorry muscles, this is Magilla Mongoose, saying: see you Thursday night! Up