PWGeA Report! From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (PWGeA Commissioner) Date: Wed, 01 May 1991 02:27:16 +0000 PWGeA Report # 2! ----- ------ - -- Gord-Yan: "Hello again, everybody, this is Gord-Yan Solo here to welcome you to this week's edition of PWGeA Report! Due to technical problems with e-mail (and to the PWGeA President's graduation), we are late this week, but the show is still packed with interviews, play-by-play matches, and action! Right now, let's go to the Born Loser, Lanny Horowitz, who has a poem for us all!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Lanny Horowitz is at ringside with a microphone, and declames for the crowd.) "Von Klaw, you won the tourney, true, The belt's around your gut I challenge you, and when we meet, I'll knock you on your butt!" While the crowd sits in awe of the Born Loser's amazing poetic ability (or lack thereof), Lanny patts himself on the back, throws several frisbees into the crowd (a few get thrown back), and departs. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gord-Yan: "WOOOOOHHH! Pretty deep! I wonder what Baron Von Klaw has to say about that... We'll check this later. Meanwhile, I will leave the mike to Magilla Mongoose and go prepare myself for my big date with Sensationnal Sherri. Chiao!" (Gord-Yan vanishes in thin air with a flash) Magilla: "Thanks a lot, Gord-Yan! I am told that Baron Von Klaw is standing by with his lawyer and has a statement to make. Let's go to the All-Jobber Champion!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Baron Von Klaw can be seen with a small group of men. One is dressed in a dark blue business suit and carrying a briefcase. The other two are dressed somewhat like Nazi stormtroopers.) Von Klaw is obviously mad (yeah, angry as well... :-), and he is practically frothing at the mouth as he grabs the mike. "Horowitz! I will crush you like a rotten pumpkin! I will destroy you so completely, not even your misbegotten mother will recognize you! I will -" The stormtroopers try to restrain Von Klaw, as the blue-suited man opens his briefcase and pulls out several papers. The blue-suited man picks up the mike and starts reading. "My client, Baron Von Klaw, will always accept challenges from any or all quarters -" "Swat you like an insignificant bug, Horowitz! You'll wish you'd never been born, Loser!" screams Von Klaw, from the background. The blue-suited man continues as if he hadn't been interrupted. "- as such challenges can only serve to heighten my client's skill and reputation as a wrestler. However, my client is required to fight those opponents put forward by the championship committee; much as he intends to be a fighting champion -" "Not enough left to mop up with a sponge!" "- my client has no control over which opponent he faces in a title match. He would gladly face you in a non-title event, except that he has already signed to wrestle the world champion, Sargeant Sledge Hammer -" "Watch what I do to Sludge Hammer, Horowitz, because you're next!" "- and his busy schedule does not permit the signing of more matches at this time. As well, my client feels that a regular match might not be appropriate; that something higher profile is in order, perhaps a Steel Cage match -" "You'll have nowhere to run, Horowitz, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!" "- at some upcoming special event. We are inquiring with PWGeA headquarters as to the feasibility of such a match. We await your response, Mr. Horowitz." The blue-suited man puts the papers back in the his briefcase, and walks off stage. The stormtroopers drag a maniaically laughing Baron Von Klaw after him. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "I can't wait for this match to happen! Oh! Here comes our color commentator, Glamourous Jimmy Vendetta! Jimmy, what do you think of a match between Baron Von Klaw and Lanny Horowitz?" Jimmy V: "Are you kidding? Remember, monkey-brain: Lanny Horowitz is facing Death this week, because some peanut-butter-brain League President has decided that he deserved a shot at the North American Title. When Death is through with that Born Loser, there won't be enough left of him to fight Baron Von Klaw's grandmother!" Magilla: "Yes, I know it may seem that Death vs Horowitz is a bit of a mismatch, but let's not bury Lanny right now, before he has a chance to fight." Jimmy: "It sure would take a lot of the fun away from Death, who will certainly bury Lanny before he has a chance to fight." Magilla: "Anyway, we will take a short break here, and show you a few tape clips that we recorded earlier this week. When we come back, we will have the full play-by-play coverage of the match between Sargent Glasnost and the SpewMaster!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (Cowboy Kevin Puckett, in typical western attire, is talking with Gord-Yan Solo on the platform.) Cowboy: "YAHOO!! Hey all you people in PWGA land, this is "Cowboy" Kevin Puckett and I'm new to this league but, I assure you that now that I drifted into town, things are going to be different! All you heels out there better BEWARE! You may be able to push around some of the other faces, but you'll be hogtied if you try it on me. Remember folks, come out to the arena and see me give the boot to these heels. YAHOO!!" (As the Cowboy waves to the fans, who respond with nice cheers, Brewster Cogburn sneaks up from behind and bashes Puckett on the head with a steel chair. He then stomps on him several times, before throwing him from the platform and into the camera. Cogburn's manager, Jack Moran, is laughing his heart out. Cogburn then leaves, his arms raised in victory, to thunderous BOOOOS! from the crowd). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ (A HUGE man in black armor and helmet, with a sword at his side, ascends the interview platform, to a trumpet fanfare. He removes his helmet to reveal a black mask). " Greetings and Felicitations, you puny serfs who would dare to challenge me, the Black Knight, to jousts of strength. I doubt that there is one among you with enough noble blood to fill a thimble, and I intend to find out. You may ask why it is that I wear gloves when I enter the lists. It is because I don't wish to soil my hands with the foul flesh of peasants. But there is one thing which passes even my understanding of the way of things: to reign in the PWGA, one must be of the upper class, the gentry, the nobility. So why has that Commissioner decreed that there had to be a tournament to decide the Champion? It is obvious that there is only one man who can rule, the Black Knight!" (The Black Knight brandishes his sword to threaten the crowd, and leaves.) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Coward Pickle, the PWGeA's ring announcer, is in the ring, wearing his inevitable tuxedo.) Coward: "Ladies and Gentlemen! This next contest, scheduled for one fall, has a 15 minute time limit! Introducing first... (Boos for the crowd)... Coming down the aisle with his manager, the Zookeeper...and also accompanied by The Russians... (even louder boos) ... From the sewers of New York City, weighing 190 pounds... THE SPEWMASTER! (Boooo!) And his opponent (big cheers as the Soviet anthem resounds in the arena) From the Soviet Union, weighing 267 pounds... Sargent Glasnost!" Magilla: "Ugh, does this Spewmaster smell or what!" Jimmy: "Personally, I think that his smell is more of a form of art than Lanny Horowitz's poetry, but I have a feeling that you will disagree on that." Magilla: "Indeed I will! In the ring, The Russians seem to be willing to shake hands with the Sarge, but the crowd urges him not to do so, and it seems he won't!" Jimmy: "Why is that? OK, he is a Perestroika man, but why can't he be civil to perfectly polite KGB agents like Bear and Panther?" Magilla: "I think I'll let you guess that one. Anyway, the match is underway, and Sargent Glasnost has put his opponent in an arm bar... which he turns into the Whita Hand armlock, a very painful Aikido hold!" Jimmy: "I think that Glasnost's attitude has enraged The Russians! They look like men who would die to climb in that ring!" Magilla: "Yep, that they do. Glasnost whips Spewmaster to the ropes... catches his arm into a Chicken wing and a suplex! Boy, I LOVE that move!" Jimmy: "Too bad you never got arounf to trying it (or any other move more complicated than a clothesline, for that matter) in your 30-year career in the ring." Magilla: "Watch it, Jimmy! Glasnost has the Spewmaster in an arm wrencher... Wait a minute! Bear has climbed the ring apron, and is arguing with the referee!" Jimmy: "Which doen't do the Spewmaster any good, because now Glasnost can cheat at will!" Magilla: "Ha, come on, Jimmy, you know Glasnost doesn't cheat!.. Glasnost has the Spewmaster on the mat with an arm drag.. lifts him up and flattens him with a double-underhook suplex!" Jimmy: "But look, the Spewmaster has just applied my all-time favourite move: the Eye Clutch! HAHAHAHA!" Magilla: "Spewmaster all over Glasnost now... A big punch to the face! Choke hold! And now he is biting his forehead! Somebody stop that man! Now, he is going for the face rake...BUT GLASNOST HAS CAUGHT HIM AND BITES HIS FINGERS! HAHAHAHA!" Jimmy: "Oh, sure, NOW it's funny!" Magilla: "Glasnost whips his opponent to the ropes... Side Suplex! Glasnost, in control once again, locks the chicken wing on the Spewmaster, who is still on the ground.. and then lets go of the arm to apply a camel clutch! Spewmaster screaming in pain! Glasnost turns around and applies the Boston Crab to further damage the Spewmaster's back!" Jimmy: "I'll say this for Glasnost, his repertoire of holds is endless. He always has something new for every match." Magilla: "Glasnost has the White Hand back on Spewmaster... Panther climbs the apron, but Glasnost saw him and knocks him down with a right hand to the jaw! Glasnost looks to the crowd! Could it be... Yes! He applies the Japanese Armlock! Glasnost jumps once... twice! But the Spewmaster managed to grab the ropes, and the referee must break the hold!" Jimmy: "Good instinct, here, from the Spewmaster." Magilla: "Glasnost picks up Spewmaster, and throws him in the ropes... OUCH! Spewmaster spit some Green stuff is the Sarge's eyes! He looks in pain!" Jimmy: "Yeah, his look is in paint all right!" Magilla: "Oh, puh-lease! Spewmaster catches Sargent, turns away from the referee, and slams his thumb in Glasnost's throat! Spewmaster has the Sarge in a headlock... Face slam, down hard into the mat! Glasnost is out! The Spewmaster picks him up for a body slam... BUT GLASNOST BACKFLIPS OVER HIS SHOULDERS, AND ROLLS HIM UP FOR A PIN! ONE... HEY THAT REFEREE IS COUNTING SLOW!" Jimmy: "Maybe he doesn't know what comes after one. Did you two go to the same school? You know, One, Two, uh, a lot... That kind of thing???" Magilla: "Glasnost is arguing with the referee, who obviously made a slow count here! The referee turns his back on Glasnost... WHO IS HIT FROM BEHIND BY BEAR, WITH A HAMMER! GLASNOST IS DOWN! SPEWMASTER COVERS... One, two, kick out!" Jimmy: "Good team work, here, on the part of The Jungle!" Magilla: "Yeah, except it's not a team match. Spewmaster slams Glsnost's head into the turnbuckle! TWICE, THREE TIMES! He grabs Glasnost by the hair... Headbutt! BUT The Spewmaster seems to have hurt himself, here! Glasnost has a chance to recover! He walks to his opponent... Hiptoss! And he quickly goes for the Japanese armlock! WHAM! BAM! Spewmaster gets slammed all over the place! Glasnost releases the hold to attempt a pinfall... Bear climbs the apron, but it is too late! One! Two! Three! Glasnost has won it!" Coward: "The winner of this bout, after 9:18, Sargent Glasnost!" Jimmy: "Glasnost may have won the match, but he is not out of the Jungle yet! The Russians are now double-teaming him! Bear and Panther deliver a VICIOUS spiked piledriver! Panther picks Glasnost up, Irish Whips him to the buckle, and Back nails his with The Russian Sickle!" Zookeeper: This jobber....Glasnost is nothing but a disgrace to the Motherland! Him and his like are nothing but GARBAGE! The Russians are now showing you what they do with such garbage! Magilla: "Somebody has to stop this carnage... HERE COME THE MASKED MISSILES! PATRIOT AND TOMAHAWK DOUBLE-CLOTHESLINE BEAR, AND THE JUNGLE FLEE BACK TO THEIR LOCKER ROOM!" Jimmy: "This thing isn't over, yet!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: Wow! Already a lot of bad blood in the PWGeA! Let's take a break here to talk with the cleanest fighter in the Alliance, Bobby "The Cavalier" Windsor, just before his much publicized match with Brewster Cogburn. How do you feel, Bobby? Bobby: Well, Magilla, I feel pretty good actually, I had a nice bowl of Wheaties this morning and then helped out down at the United Way for a few hours. You know, seeing those tough little kids fighting against painful and excruciating diseases makes me realize how lucky we all have it. They're the real fighters, not us. In fact, today I'm going to do my best to put Brewster Cogburn down on the mat for those gutsy little kids who will be watching tonight's fight on TV. But, I know that no matter what the outcome, I'll try my best and that's the important thing! Magilla: Right you are, Bobby. Brewster's a tough man, though, who has threatened to take you down at all costs. Bobby: I think that Brewster is really just misunderstood, all those cheap shots he takes, the rules violations, the illegal use of international objects, all that-I think it really just shows a deep love of the sport. In spite of all that, I have a great respect for the man. Magilla: Well, best of luck tonight, now ... Bobby: Thanks. Magilla: Not to change the subject, but the Black Knight has said some pretty rude things about you recently. I have this release here, lets see.." The very name of 'Cavalier' conjures up images of lace, feathers and perfume, not to mention a sword made from a grandmother's knitting needles." Pretty hard words. Bobby: Well, I must say the Black Knight, the so called Teutonic Titan is not a man of much class. As much as I hate to say it, I really have little respect for the man or what he represents. So I'm not afraid to go to bat for the little guy, and all Americans against the stultified arrogance that the Black Knight seems to embody. [Turns to the camera] So, Black Knight, next week I come for you. I am your worst nightmare-a man of the working class, come to put you and your aristocratic airs down to the mat. The days of rolling over to title are long gone, so the Cavalier comes to take you down! Magilla: Thanks, Bobby. Well folks, sounds like we got a bit of grudge going down, so don't miss it next week, will the Black Knight be man enough to meet the Cavalier? Jimmy V: Sure, he will! Why not? I mean, most of the old fellas at the Lou Thesz Retirement Home could beat Bobby Windsor if they were blidfolded! This is an ideal opportunity for the Black Knight to take a week off and STILL win a match! Bobby: Hey, watch your mouth, Vendetta, because if you don't shut it up NOW, your eyes will be so bulged that you won't be able to watch it for a good long while... (Jimmy and Bobby stand up and are on the verge of coming to blows) Magilla: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, PLEASE! Not here! (Bobby calms downs and leaves). Jimmy, we are going to be looking for jobs before the first SuperCard if you keep on insulting all of our guests! Jimmy: WHAT? A SUPERCARD? AND I DID NOT LEARN IT FIRST? (Jimmy looks shocked) Magilla: Yep, a SuperCard! Let's got to the Event Center, where Sun Mooner is standing by with all the details... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sun: Thank you, Magilla. The rumours have been confirmed, the PWGeA will hold its very first SuperCard Friday night, May 16th, at the Orange Bowl! This is the time to set up Six-Man tag matches, Steel Cage matches, ANYTHING! Arrange your matches as soon as possible, and send them to the PWGeA Headquarters! Right now, The Masked Missiles and Sargent Glasnost are standing by to issue a public challenge! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The Masked Missiles and Sargent Glasnost are standing before a wall covered with US and Soviet flags.) Sargent: ZOOKEEPER! You manage bad Russians. I good Russian, understand need for Freedom and Friendship in true spirit of Glasnost! Patriot: That's right, Sarge, we all need unity and friendship when the enemy is at our doorstep. The Russians and the Spewmaster have attacked you without warning, like devious Scud missiles, so it is only fitting that the Patriot shot them down! Tomahawk: And if you are half the men you claim to be, come to the Orange Bowl, May 16th for the SuperCard and fight us in a Survivor Series match! I guarantee ya that the Allied Forces will tame the Jungle, just as we have tamed the desert! YEAH! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: Already a challenge for the SuperCard, and there will be many more to come... Jimmy, what's the matter? Jimmy V (shocked): ...they didn't tell me... Magilla scooped me... BOOHOUHOUH! Magilla: Come on, Jimmy, it's not that bad... (to the camera) Let's show a clip of the Shadow Assassins while I console Jimmy; when we come back, another full-length Feature Match! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Johnny Vicious: "They say it's better to be lucky than good. Last time, Crime and Punishment, you were lucky, but your luck just ran out." Ricky Dangerous: "Jimmy Vendetta, you were right to pick us as champions, we're the best team here! We fought six matches before our title match, and those idiots still didn't have an easy time. We're rested up for this match, so you two punks are going down." Johnny V: "That match against the Masked Punching Bags wore us out, but it was just so much fun hitting them that I didn't want to stop. Crime and Punishment, now it's your turn to be our punching bags! You should consider this an honor!" Ricky D: "I can't believe we have to step into the ring with these two common criminals, Johnny, but if that's the price we have to pay to claim our belts, that's what we've got to do." Johnny V: "Don't worry Ricky, it won't last five minutes! And after we wipe the mat with them, we've got plans for those belts!" Ricky D: "That's right Johnny, we're taking the belts with us to the Black Widow's Web, and that wimp better stay in line, he'd better apologize for what he said to Jimmy Vendetta, or else... ha ha ha... there might be an accident!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coward Pickle: "This next contest is for the North American Heavyweight title! Introducing first the challenger... From nowhere in particular, weighing a good, solid 180 pounds... Born Loser, Lanny Horowitz! (Lots of yawns from the crowd). And his opponent... (some people cheer some jeer, most are just silent and scared out of their minds)... From Parts Unknown, weighing 350 pounds... Here is the North American champion, Death!" Jimmy: "Death facing Lanny Horowitz! Two minutes and it's over!" Magilla: "Don't say that! Lanny always gives his best shot... " Jimmy: "For what it's worth! That guy belongs in a circus, not in the PWGeA!" Magilla: "Well, he tries, and someday he may improve..." Jimmy: "Yeah, but for now, he gets carried out on stretchers twice a week on the average. He's just stupid." Magilla: "The match begins, and Lanny dropkicks the champion! Hiptoss! A second Dropkick! Another hiptoss! Oh-oh, this one was blocked by Death." Jimmy: "With such a vast and diverse arsenal, what do you expect?" Magilla: "Death throws Horowitz to the ropes, and punches him in the stomach! Horowitz stands back... Clothesline by Death! The champ bounces off the ropes.. Heart Punch! Lanny is flat on his back... Death picks him up... a kick to the mid-section, but Lanny caught Death's leg and dropkicks him again! Hiptoss! Lanny Horowitz to the top rope, as Death is lying on his back... WOW! Triple backward summersault with a half- gainer! BUT LANNY LANDS FLAT ON HIS FACE, as Death moves out of the way just in time!" Jimmy: "Nice move, here by, Horowitz. Unfortunately, it's the only one he knows." Magilla: "Clothesline by Death! Death picks up Horowitx... Throws him HARD into the turnbuckle! Death whips Horowitz to the ropes, BUT LANNY BOUNCES OFF WITH ANOTHER DROPKICK! Hiptoss... Blocked again! Death punches Lanny in the face, and locks him up in the reverse full nelson! Lanny reaching for the ropes... Grabs one! The referee breaks the hold, and Lanny runs into the ropes for another amazing jump - a double extended summersault or something. But as Lanny poses for the crowd, Death locks him up again in the Full Nelson, and nails Lanny's shoulders to the mat! One! Two! Kickout! Death stands up, picks up Lanny, bounces off the ropes... Clawhold! That's it, the referee is stopping the match!" Coward: "The winner in 6:06, and STILL North American Champion... DEATH!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: What a Match, ladies and Gentlemen! It is now time for our feature interview segment, the Spider's Web, featuring the Tholian Black Widow! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ************************ THE SPIDER'S WEB ******************************** (The Tholian Black Widow, masked as usual, stands in front of a large rope web.) Spider: Last week, in the PWGeA's opening tournament, we all found out not to judge a book by its cover. And this book's name is the tag team, Crime and Punishment..... (Grant "the Slammer" Meadows, wearing a T-shirt that says "Only Losers do Drugs", and "The Inferno" Craig Sommers enter to big cheers from the crowd. They have the world tag-team belts strapped around their waists.) Spider: How does it feel to be the first tag team champions in a brand new league? Inferno: Man, it's a rush. I've held three single belts in three other wrestling federations, and none have meant as much as this one. When I entered the ring for the first time in the PWGeA, we were the underdogs. No one thought we had a real shot at the title. Except for the fans. They knew we could do it. With the fans behind us, nothing will stop us! Slammer: That's right, Inferno. In the final round, when I was gettin' pounded left and right by the Shadow Assassins, I thought I was done for. Then I heard the crowd chanting my name. I don't know what happened. I just went crazy. I had to do it for the fans. It's great to know that the crowd doesn't hold my past against me. Spider: Now that you've brought it up, tell us a little about your background. Slammer: I grew up in a rough neighborhood. I was a messed up kid. I got caught beatin' the crap outta some guy who was sellin' drugs to the kids on the block. I got five years for it. But in those five years, I realized that I wasn't really a loser. I realized that if I worked hard enough, I could be a winner. So I started to work out and read a lot. And when I got outta prison, I started training to be a wrestler. That's when I met up with the Inferno. Inferno: Well, I think the Slammer's proved himself a winner. He managed to overcome his past to become one of the hardest working wrestlers in the biz. And he does it through work and patience, not dirty tactics like those Shadow Assassins. Spider: I've heard that you and the Shadow Assassins had a few words after the match. What exactly happened? Inferno: The little punks actually threatened us. They said if we didn't throw the next match, they'd hunt us down and beat us outside the ring. Slammer: Johnny Viscious, Ricky Dangerous, if you think you got what it takes to overcome Crime and Punishment, take your best shot! Inferno (as he lights a Shadow Assassin poster on fire): Ready to be burned?? (BIG cheers from the fans, as the camera fades out) --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: It is now time for Jimmy to introduce his next guests. Jimmy, you are on the air! Jimmy: Let's welcome my guest at this time, one of the most successful managers in the PWGeA, The Zookeeper! ZK: Thank you Jimmy! Now, I would like to introduce my newest tag team from the Soviet Union. They are ex-KGB with the code names Bear and Panther, collectively called.....THE RUSSIANS!!! <The Russians come out wearing black "amateur" wrestling trunks with the hammer and sickle of the Soviet Union. Both are carrying full sized Soviet flags. Bear is also carrying a hammer, while Panther is carrying (an obviously plastick) sickle.> Zookeeper: Now would everybody please stand while the Russians sing their National Anthem! <Both start singing the Soviet anthem rather well....that is until the record skips and they are obviously lip synching> Jimmy: What great singing! Now, let's get down to business. Panther, what are your plans for the PWGA?? Panther: <swiping microphone from Jimmy> We have come to PWGA to show world that USSR dominates wrestling just as USSR dominates world! (Bear stands in background growling and flexing) We will take what rightfully belongs to us... the PWGA tag team titles. We will then return to Mother Russia where w be heros! (more growling and flexing from Bear) But first we will destroy the lowest of American ilk...Club Anarchy! Then, after cleaning up some garbage, we will take titles!!!! <Panther throws down microphone and stalks off. Bear after some more growling and flexing yells USA and gives the thumbs down gesture. He then also stalks off with the Zookeeper> Jimmy: Let's go to Sun Mooner, now, with a rundown of this week's Title Defense results! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Sunn Mooner is sitting at a desk, in front of a bunch of TV's showing wrestling matches. Some are obviously Jello wrestling.) Sunn: "Thank you, Jimmy Vendetta. As you all saw earlier, Death defeated the Born Loser, Lanny Horowitz, to keep his North American belt. Well, no titles changed hands this week, in the PWGeA. The World Champion, Sargent "Sledge" Hammer, pinned the Plague Dog in 7:38. The tag-team champions, Crime and Punishment, beat the Shadow Assassins again when "Slammer" Grant Meadows superslammed Ricky Dangerous at the 14:03 mark. Finally, the All-Jobber champion, Baron Von Klaw, trashed PowerChief in 3:48; after hitting his opponent with an international object, Von Klaw slapped the Klaw hold on his way to a victory. I will be back later with the other match results and the rankings, but for now, I will return the control to Magilla Mongoose in studio" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: Let's go now to Mr. Mercury, who is standing by with his manager, Captain Condom, the holder of the Chastity Belt! MM: Well Plague Dog it seems we have a match. You better hope that the barometer stays level for your match, because I don't think you'll want to see my Mercury Rise or my Mercury Drop.. CC: That's right Mr. Mercury... Plague Dog, you must be sick if you think you can win this match. Hahh hahh hahh. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- (Plague Dog is standing in the dark, in front of a full moon.) "Mr. Mercury you'll drop all right, faster than the thermometre on a cold day. Mercury poisoning is a walk in the park compared to the Plague. I'm a walking engine of destruction laying waste to all in my path, and you, Mercury are in my way! Do yourself a favor and surrender now, or else I'll show you why the Plague killed half of Europe!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ PRESS CONFERENCE Sargent Sledge Hammer and his manage walk into the press conference. Other than the military fatigues, the ram- rod bearing, the 50 lbs weight difference and the muscles, the are pretty hard to tell apart. "Thank you all for coming." says the manager. "I know you all want to talk to Sledge, so I'll be brief." [The reporters all groan at this. They know it means that the manager is going to ramble on and on and on. In this case they're wrong, but they don't know that yet. ] "Before I turn this over to the Sarge and your questions, I'll just mention the upcoming matches. First, we have the title defense vs. Plague Dog. I don't know much about his style, but I'm sure it will be a good match. I've also scheduled a match vs. Baron Von Klaw, the Junior Heavyweight belt-holder. That was against my better judgement, but it should be a good show of the style of two fine wrestlers." "Questions, gentlemen?" Sargent Hammer steps forward, back straight, eyes front. "Over here! Yeh, Sarge you were a surprise in to take the belt, what do you credit with your success? " "Discipline, Sir! Discipline, hard work and honest American values." "Yo, Sledge! Why fight the Baron? You can't hold that title and if you lose, you'll be embarrassed. " "Von Klaw is scum, Sir! He and his fascist kind must be shown the power of American muscle. As a true American, a model for our youth, it is my duty to show that Nazi that he has no place in honest sports!" "So, are you going to wrestle Sargent Glasnost? That commie should be put in his place too huh." "I can't comment on that at this time. " "Right, military secret, huh." "What about Death? He looked good in your match, any chance of a rematch soon?" "Not at this time. I don't like Death, sir. He is a slob and shows no discipline. But, my manager does not feel that he is a likely opponent in the near future." The manager steps up, "That's true. I feel that with Death's showing in the title match, his tag team role, and his own title defenses, he has not place in our schedule." "I think now might be a good time to end this. Thank you all for coming. Sledge and I will be talking to you in the future, or come by the gym any time for a chat." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy Vendetta: Welcome Club Anarchy! [Capt. Necropolis, Dr. Lethe and Silvah Hypocrisy enter in their typical, if not mundane garb. Today, silvah wears a clear plastic blouse with a black skirt and blazer, barely acceptable for a family show.] You guys are very new to wrestling, and frankly I have no clue about your origins, your style, nothing. So why don't you just introduce yourselves? Captain Necropolis: Yeah. Club Anarchy was formed as a statement against the exclusiveness and paranoia of the current art community that feels that the rest of the western world is a slovenly bunch of television addicts with no appreciation of their "higher" purposes. That's bullsh*+. I want to bring my brand of art into the home of every Joe Sixpack out there and prove that they can appreciate it. Jimmy: Art? What's this art stuff? We're here to talk wrestling! The lure of the mat! The smell of sweat off of heroic muscular figures like my own. The clash of combat! What kind of pansies are you? Capt. Necropolis: THAT! That is my art. I speak through violence Jimmy, a language that even you can understand [Jimmy nods assertively at this statement]. Wrestling speaks volumes about our culture, and I'm going to take advantage of that! Despite the censors, the doubters, league presidents that don't understand what true art really is! Dr. Lethe: [pulls out a bag of sugar cubes and begins munching] Now, now Kaptain. Chu know dat you haves a tendancy for tu press for a showings more early in the doghouse dann is chusually prvudent. Chu must vait for chour repudiation to be builded ups in dis community, ja, before chu gets that kind of show? Dere are rules tu dis games and chu does not knows dem. [ The psychedelic gleam in his eye sparks merrily.] Jimmy: [looks hungrily at sugar cubes] Uh yeah, Doc. Say, I haven't had time to eat today, do you mind if...? [Lethe offers him sugar cubes, Jimmy grabs a few and munches happily] So what are you taking about re the league president Captain? Capt. Necropolis: Please, call me Necropolis. Well, I wanted our current match against the Russians to be a comment on urban America. It was to be called _A Modest Proposal_, and... Jimmy: Cap, uh, Necropolis, what does that have to do with wrestling? What was the scoop? Silvah: [slides into Jimmy's lap, Jimmy doesen't seem to mind] Well, Mr. Dominic didn't want to have a special match so early in the lineup, which is understandable from his perspective, the Captain's just all put out by it, that's all. It can wait. [Silvah then kisses Jimmy who reels in surprise] Dr. Lethe: [while Jimmy's busy]: Chvust so, the Captain Nekropoliz wills be getting much the showings he mostly hearts dezired, when the time komes, not before. Und Ich? Ich will tu having my showings be, rekwirings much of the audience particulation, ja. But the Captain's shows fvirst, since his is the violenz dat is partiular tu dis medium und his idea tu bvoot! Chu vants s'more sugar cubage, Chimmy? Jimmy: [blue in the face for lack of air, pushes Silvah off of him]: GAAAAAASSSSSPPPP! Let me get my wind back. Sister, I usually like pushy women, but _you_ are the exception! Hey... what's this? My lips bleeding! [looks around confused, realizes that he's on the air] Oh, Captain Necropolis, what about WRESTLING?!!! Capt. Necropolis: It is just an extension of the urban experiance, Jimmy. That's why I'm called Necropolis. Every urban center is a city of death. People existing in fear of violence, so overcome by the threat of what's around the corner that they never truly live! I offer an alternative to that, by acting out! By becoming part of the city, embracing the violence, there is life. It's really thrilling. You should have seen my piece on Bernhard Goetz. I see wrestling as an extension of this movement, a violence movement! I first got this idea when I was doing one of my largest pieces, Detroit, you may have heard of it, when I saw the WWF on television, and I knew that it would be a wonderful medium to bring my message to the world. Jimmy: I see [munch munch], but what our audience wants to know is how you will take out the Russians this week? [munch munch. Jimmy is now beginning to get a psychedelic gleam in _his_ eye] Capt. Necropolis: Well, I don't like to ruin a showing by revealing it. You'll have to be there. I plan on introducing them to urban America. Dr. Lethe: Ja! Ja! und lots of chvumping about by me! Dr... Dr... help me out here... Silvah and Captain Necropolis: Lethe! Dr. Lethe: Ja, Ich had vergessen! Captain Necropolis: [looking at Jimmy, who is staring off into space] If you don't have any more questions? ... OK, thanks for your time, we'll be going now. [they leave] Jimmy: ... uh ... flying gummi-Monster Trucks? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: What a disgrace! Jimmy Vendetta and Club Anarchy should be ashamed of themselves! I am disgusted; let's go to Sun Mooner with the last match results. Have a nice week anyway. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "OK, here we are, and the match results for this week are just in! First, in a non-title match, Sargent "Sledge" Hammer beat Baron Von Klaw in 3:20! The Russians destroyed Club Anarchy in 9:01! Bobby "The Cavalier" Windsor scored an upset over Brewster Cogburn in 3:17! FOr the second week in a row, Cogburn was whopped in the head by his own manager! Cowboy Kevin Puckett won by Disqualification in 4:58 over the Wolfman, when Ricky Dangerous ran into the ring to hit him with brass knuckles! Brewster Cogburn joined the fun later, and the heels beat Cowboy Kevin so bad that he had to be taken away on a stretcher! In a non-title match, Death and Destruction shocked the world by pinning the reigning World Tag-Team champions, Crime and Punishment, in 8:31! Death and Destruction will receive a title shot next week! In the week's most beautiful match, The Black Knight defeated Paul "Bobcat" Handler in 8:37. The Knight scored an incredible 78 Hype points! And finally, Mr.Mercury scored his first win in the PWGeA when he pinned the Plague Dog in 4:05. So, here are the rankings for Week 2: (*): Jobber (+): Face (-): Heel (=): Neutral Wrestlers are listed as Name, Alignment, Won-loss, Hype score PWGeA World Champion: Sargent Sledge Hammerr (+) 6-0, 46.04 PWGeA North American Champion: Death (=) 3-1, 36.25 PWGeA All-Jobber Champion: Baron Von Klaw (-) 3-1, 24.5 1. The Black Knight (-) 1-1, 56 2. "Born Loser" Lanny Horowitz (+, *) 1-2, 35.33 3. Bobby "Cavalier" Windsor (+, *) 1-1, 33 4. Plague Dog (-) 0-3, 32.33 5. Destruction (=) 1-1, 32 6. Ricky Dangerous (-) 2-1, 31,33 7. Sargent Glasnost (+, *) 3-1, 30.75 8. Cowboy Kevin Puckett (+) 3-1, 26.5 9. Paul "Bobcat" Handler (+) 0-2, 22 10. PowerChief (+, *) 0-2, 20 11. Mr. Mercury (+) 1-1, 18.5 12. The Spewmaster (-, *) 0-2, 18.5 13. Johnny Vicious (-) 0-1, 17 14. Brewster Cogburn (-) 0-2, 8.5 15. The Wolfman (-, *) 0-2, 6 PWGeA Tag-Team champions: Crime and Punishment (+) 4-1, 59.6 1. Death and Destruction (=) 1-1, 57.5 2. The Russians (-) 1-1, 52.5 3. The Masked Missiles (+) 0-1, 44 4. The Shadow Assassins (-) 2-2, 42 5. Club ANarchy (-) 0-2, 8 So, next week, Sargent Sledge Hammer will defend the world belt against The Black Knight, Death will defend the North American title against Bobby "Cavalier" Windsor, Baron Von Klaw will put the All-Jobber belt on the line against Lanny Horowitz, and Crime and Punishment will face Death and Destruction for the tag-team titles! That's it for this week; this is Sunn Mooner here for Gord-Yan Solo, Magilla Mongoose, Jimmy Vendetta and The Tholian Black Widow, saying: see you next week, on the PWGeA Report!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- EDITOR'S NOTES: 1) From now on, mail to me at laramee@iro.umontreal.ca; my jsp account can die any day. 2) Next week is when the interviews will begin to influence the Hype ratings. Here is how to help me decide what is good and what is not: send me mail before this coming SUnday at Noon, and vote for your favourite interviews/sneak attacks! You can vote for as many as you want, but write them in decreasing order of preference! 3) With your SuperCard match submissions, send me SHORT (5 lines or so) pre-match interviews, tell me what your entrance music is (if any), what you will do BEFORE the match, AFTER the match, etc. Up