PWGeA REPORT #7 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Tue, 11 Jun 1991 02:07:40 +0000 PWGeA REPORT # 7 ----- ------ - - Magilla: "Ladies, gentlemen, and beasts, welcome to the PWGeA Report! This is your host, Magilla Mongoose, accompanied as usual by Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta; JImmy, what do we have in store for today?" Jimmy: "Well, Mongoose, we have a feature match between two newcomers to the PWGeA, Lightning Bolt and Ford Firepower; we also have 5 title matches, the FINAL edition of the Spider's Web featuring the Black Cockroach, and an update concerning the upcoming Summit of E-Wrestling!" Magilla: "Quite an action-packed show, so stay with us! Right now, the Tholian Black Widow is standing by in his Web; take it away, champ!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ THE SPIDER'S WEB *** ******** *** Black Widow: "Thank you Magilla. As Jimmy Velveeta pointed out (and for once, he was right), this is the final edition of the Spider's Web; I am going back to full-time wrestling, in the WeWF, and my new duties in the ring will keep me away from this web. So right now, let me introduce to you the man who will host the new feature interview segment in the PWGeA Report, starting next week... One half of the former tag-team champions of the world... The Patriot!" (The Patriot comes in, walking on crutches, to nice cheers from the crowd) Black Widow: "Patriot, you were injured pretty badly by Club Anarchy two weeks ago. What exactly is the nature of the injury?" Patriot: "I suffered multiple fractures to my left ankle and a ruptured tendon to the left knee. Now, Spider, you know fully well that this kind of injury is extremely serious for a wrestler." Black Widow: "Indeed, a ruptured knee tendon kept me out of the wrestling ring for the past two years!" Patriot: "This old body of mine has been battered before, and I will be back in the ring sooner than some people out there think. But meanwhile, someone else will have to avenge me. Someone who will have the firepower to gun down Club Anarchy and those no-ggod Russians." Black Widow: "And just who might that be?" Patriot: "Let me introduce to you the new tag-team of Hammer and Sickle: Chief Tomahawk and Sargent Glasnost!" (Some cheers as Glasnost and Tomahawk make their way to the platform) Black Widow: "Welcome, Sargent; welcome, chief. So, you have decided to form a new tag-team to face Club Anarchy and The Russians; don't you think that you may be biting off more than you can chew?" Tomahawk: "Maybe, maybe not. It is true, Black Widow, that we are both classified as jobbers in this federation. However, you never know what a man can do until it's too late, and that's why we will defeat CLub Anarchy and the Russians." Glasnost: "Russians! Club Anarchy! You want tag titles? We want make sure only worthy people get belts. Meaning not you! Come fight the Hammer; come fight the Sickle! AHHHHHHH!" (Glasnost and Patriot pose; before shaking hands with The PAtriot and leaving the platform area) _------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "Make sure to tune in next week for the Patriot's Launching Pad!" Jimmy: "Yeah, well I dont like this big fat piece of lard all that much, but at least we are rid of the Cockroach!" Magilla: "I wouldn't be surprised if the Black Widow won yet another world title in the WeWF, now that he is back at 100%." Jimmy: "Not a snowball's chance in Club Med Tchernobyl, Mongoose!" Magilla: "And what about Hammer and Sickle, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "Just a pair of jobbers, that's all. The Russians and CLub Anarchy are both worthy contenders to the tag-team titles, and will simply use Glasnost and Tomahawk as cannon fodder. And one more thing: I think Sledge Hammer should sue them for associating his name with their miserable tag-team!" Magilla: "Gimme a break!... Let's go to Sunn Mooner, standing by at the event center with some match results; immediately after that, we will present you the Feature matchup of the week!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Thank you, Magilla. Well, no title changes this week, folks! The Wolfman, all-jobber champion of the PWGeA and dirtiest fan favourite in recorded history defended his belt twice: he pinned Dead Meat in 3:06 and Baron Von Klaw in 4:49, despite outside interference by Brewster Cogburn! Crime and Punishment and Sword and Shield reached the 30 minute time limit in a World Tag-team title match! Mr Mercury barely pinned the Black Knight at the 4:59 mark, despite yet another run-in by Brewster Cogburn! Cogburn managed to whack Mercury on the head with a cane, and Black Knight took the opportunity to cover the champ, but Mercury somehow kicked out at 2.9! And finally, Sledge Hammer defeated Cowboy Kevin Puckett in 7:35 to remain World Champ for another week!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coward Pickle: "This contest is our Feature match for this week; it is a singles bout, scheduled for one fall, with a 20 minute time limit! Introducing first.... From Riverside California.... Weighing 217 pounds.... Making his first PWGeA appearance.... THE LIGHTNING BOLT! (A big man wearing lightning-shaped makeup around the eyes walks to ringside, shaking hands with the fans along the way; he gets cheers.) His opponent... From New York City... Weighing 255 pounds.... Also making his PWGeA debut... FORD FIREPOWER!!!!" (Walks to the ring by himself; gets no reaction at all from the fans). Magilla: "So, Jimmy, what do you know about these two newcomers?" Jimmy: "Not a whole lot more about Lightning Bolt; he looks impressive enough, but that's all I can say. Ford Firepower, on the other hand..." Magilla: "Yeah.... What?..." Jimmy: "If Sledge Hammer is not watching this guy, he had better start! Ford is going to be world champion before the Summit of E-Wrestling unless Sledge Hammer does some serious training!" Magilla: "Gimme a break! The guy has never won a match in the PWGeA and you would give him the World title on a silver platter! Let his pay his dues!" (Bell rings) Magilla; "The match is underway, and Firepower locks up with the Bolt... OUCH! BIG right hand by Firepower; Lightning Bolt flew across the ring! WITH ONE PUNCH?!?" Jimmy: "What did I tell you!" Magilla: "Kick to the head by Firepower, and Lightning Bolt already looks to be in trouble!... Lightning Bolt is on all four... Firepower locks him up in the sleeper hold!.... He pics hm up... Releases the sleeper, seizes his left leg... Knee breaker... And a karate kick to the head!" Jimmy: "Lightning bolt burned his bulb before entering this arena, I tell you!" Magilla: "Ford Firepower off the ropes... Drop kick... Esquived by Lightning Bolt!... The fans are lightning up a little bit..." Jimmy: "Stupid pun, Mongoose..." Magilla: "Bolt whips Firepower to the ropes... Firepower ducks under a clothesline... Catches Lightning bolt by the arm and whips him into the buckle!... Firepower moves in on his crumpled opponent... Face Rake... Lightning Bolt is out... Firepower to the top rope... HEY! What is this guy taking out of his trunks????" Jimmy: "Huh, what do you mean, ...." Magilla: "Firepowr leaping off the ropes, and delivers a devastating Axe Handle with his hands clutched around an International object!... He covers: One! Two! Kickout by Lightning Bolt!" Jimmy: "This fellow sure can take punishment!" Magilla; "Ford Firepower can't believe his eyes!... Lightning bolt challenges his to a test of strenght (cheers).... Firepower accepts... AND LIGHTNING BOLT OVERPOWERS HIM IN A SPLIT SECOND!... Firepower retreats in his corner, in pain... Clothesline by the Bolt!... He picks up Firepower, locks him up in a front headlock,... DDT!" Jimmy: "WOW! Firepower's forehead looked as if it would crash through the mat!" Magilla: "Lightning Bolt signaling for the Electric Piledriver... But Firepower quickly back-body drops him, and pins him with an inside cradle! One! Two! Kickout! Lightning Bolt regains the upper hand and quickly locks Firepower in a figure-four... Will Firepower submit... NO! HE TURNS AROUND AND REVERSES THE FIGURE-FOUR!!! IT'S OVER!!!" Coward: "The winner, at the 7:13 mark, FORD FIREPOWER!!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "We're back at the event center with the results from this week's non-title matches. First, in a champion vs champion showdown, Mr Mercury shocked the world by pinning Sledge Hammer in 7:33! This was the world champion's first defeat in the PWGeA! During that match, Mr Mercury fired his manager, Captain Condom, when he attempted to whack Sledge Hammer with his chastity belt! In his singles debut, Tomahawk demolished El Cheapo in 2:38. Club Anarchy defeated the newcomer team of The Androgynes in 6:54. Black Knight beat Plague Dog in 3:55; before the match, Lightning Bolt challenged Plague Dog to a confrontation! Bobby The Cavalier Windsor bid a rude welcome to the Aztec Mummy, whom he destroyed in 2:27. And finally, Johnny Vicious continued his climb in the ratings by pinning Sargent Glasnost in 4:30. THE RATINGS --- ------- (The new ratings formula, unlike what I had announced, does not take the won-lost percentage into account. It simply gives much more weight to the more recnet matches.) WORLD CHAMP: Sledge Hammer (+) 13-1 31.53 NORTH AMERICAN CHAMP: Mr Mercury (+) 7-1 57.77 ALL-JOBBER CHAMP: WOLFMAN (+,*) 6-3 24.30 1. Ford Firepower (=) 1-0 38 2. Bobby Windsor (+, *) 3-6, 37.99 3. Cowboy Kevin Puckett (+) 5-2 33.48 4. Black Knight (-) 3-6 32.41 5. Tomahawk (+, *) 1-0 30 6. Plague Dog (-) 2-5 27.08 7. Johnny Vicious (-) 3-2 27 8. Baron Von Klaw (-, *) 7-4 18.16 9. Sargent Glasnost (+, *) 4-4 13.46 10. Lightning Bolt (+) 0-1 10 11. Dead Meat (-, *) 0-1 8 12. El Cheapo (-, *) 0-1 0 Did not compete Ricky Dangerous 3-3 27.12 Spewmaster 1-3 20.25 WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPS: Crime and Punishment (+) 9-3-1 51.95 1. Club Anarchy (-) 2-5 52.92 2. Sword and Shield 1-1-1 52.75 3. The Androgynes 0-1 30 Did not compete The Russians 2-3 40.6 Shadow Assassins 2-3 41.2 La Corrida (Legion of Jobbers) 0-1 15 Next week's title shots: Sledge Hammer vs Mr Mercury for the World Belt, the winner defends against Ford Firepower If Mercury wins the World title, Cowboy Kevin and Black Knight will fight for the north american title; if not, Kevin gets the title shot. Bobby Windsor has a shot at the all-jobber belt Crime and Punishment defends against Club Anarchy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "That's it for this week; send your matches quickly!" Jimmy: "Hey, you forgot the Summit Update!" Magilla: "Oh, you are right... Well, there is still plenty of room available! The Aztec Mummy and Mr Mercury will face each other in a Lumberjack Match! If you have hype comments to publish before the Summit, send mail to Aidan Palmer at arxt@quads.uchicago.edu!" Jimmy: "That's short and sweet!" Magilla: "So, see you next week!" Up