PWGeA Report #6 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Tue, 28 May 1991 23:36:43 +0000 PWGeA Report #6 ----- ------ -- Magilla: "Hi, this is Magilla Mongoose; this week's PWGeA Report is presented to you by Bloodweiser, the beer of true warriors! Our color commentatot, Jimmy "The Glamourous" Vendetta, is with me as usual; Jimmy, some BIG news this week in the world of e-wrestling!" Jimmy: "Right, Mongoose, we had title changes, we had shocking upsets, we had crazy interviews, EVERYTHING!" Magilla: "So let's get to it; the Tholian Black Widow is standing by with his guests at this time, Club Anarchy!" Jimmy: "ALL RIGHT!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- _________________________________________________________________________ Black Widow: I would like to welcome Club Anarchy to the Tholian Web today. This tag team has yet to win a regular match, yet they've shown themselves to be tough opponents in their matches against Crime and Punishment and the incredible nineteen miniute mat pounder against the Masked Missles, who they'll be facing again this week. [Club Anarchy enters, the audience is quiet except for the twenty Club Anarchy groupies in the back row, all wearing black and pouting. They begin to snap their fingers rhythmically. Capatin Necropolis is in his typical garb: leather jacket, jeans, motorcycle boots. He looks leaner than he had in his first match vs. the missles. Dr. Lethe enters squinting behind his thick glasses. He is wearing a tie-dyed lab jacket. He carries a cardboard box. Silvah enters behind them, gracing the Tholian Web with a lacy frilly jumpsuit, that looks like it may be made out of only spider's webs] Widow: Captain Necropolis, I saw your match against the Masked Missles. You took more punishment out there in the first ten minutes of the match than most can take in a normal match, and yet you held out for another nine minutes! How did you do it? Captain Necropolis: Yes, Patriot used his girth to inflict much bodily harm upon myself. It was most deliscious. I have learned on the pathways of urban America to be strong and endure pain. I revel in it, for it shows me the true heart of American culture. But I learned something else from that match as well. The Missles could inflict pain much better than we could. Two of their moves struck home for every one of ours. After that match, I put the Doctor and myself in intensive offensive training to really learn how to hurt people. The Masked Missles will see how well we learned from them this week. I look forward to the pain we will inflict upon one another. Widow: I can certainly believe you were training hard, it looks like you lost a lot of weight. How's your stamina now? Necropolis: It's true, I've lost about ten pounds, but I'm quicker and lighter and much more dangerous than I had been before. Dr. Lethe also taught me more about his brand of martial arts. Widow: Yes, 'Doctor', I've heard a lot of conflicting stories about you. Are you really the student of both Tae Kwan Do master Sulu Takai whose dojo became legendary in the 1920's and Savate savage Jean Luc Van Damme who was the fiercest fighter in western Europe before his death in the trenches of World War I? I find it hard to believe that you're even that old. Dr. Lethe: Vell, Webby... Ich kann chu Webby call, ja? [Black Widow glares and shakes his head no] Ja? Gut! Zo Webby, Ich was around denn being merely ein yung totweiler in the ode faszhoned Europe of de day, ja. Ich could fight and trink Schnapps really gut. Jean Luc wiss me often trinking vas and an better eben dann me trinker vas he! Lots fighting to do derr vas. Now, Azia... I misrevember not zo gut anymoreness. Learning muchly derr vas Ich, but tu vat ending? No more do Ich knowing this. Widow: I see. May I ask what is in your box 'Doctor'? Dr Lethe: Box? Silvah [whispering]: In your lap... Dr. Lethe [looks down]: Oh! Diss box! Ja, ein gut box iz diss. In diss box lies fur du in vaiting with baiting breath it iz, iz fur du ein present, ein gifte vrum us dat iz Club Anarchismus! [hands Widow the box] Captain Necropolis: We are aware that you have a certain fondness for the unusual and esoteric so... Widow [opening box]: What is it? ... A frog! A bright red and orange frog! Captain Necropolis: It's a rare South American relative of the poison arrow frog, discovered by Dr. Lethe on an expedition into the Amazon Jungle late in 1959. Dr. Lethe: Zo, dere I vas venn out I vas fur monies fur de alimony... gut knowing. Giving a lick Webby, iz gut und schtrong! Widow: Lick? What do you mean lick? [looks over at Dr. Lethe, his eyes go wider and he puts the box away behind his chair] Maybe later Dr. Lethe, after the show. Thanks... thanks a lot. SO, what are your future plans for PGWeA? Do you think that you will be improving and winning some matches in the near future? I must say that I have been impressed with some of your matches even if you have lost. Captain Necropolis: Well, winning wasn't that important to us until we realized that if we win more, we'll get more coverage for our work and be able to collaborate with others on more pieces like this one with Death and Destruction, which we will be doing as a tribute to Evan Dorkin. Black Widow: I see. Do you see a title in your future? Captain Necropolis: I think I'll let our manager Silvah speak for us on that. Silvah. [Silvah glides over to the Black Widow snakelike, exposing the snake tattoo that is emblazoned on the small of her back. She then "introduces" herself to the Widow in her own special way, kissing him deeply for thirty seconds as he struggles, flabbergasted. Finally, she releases him gasping for air. He is bleeding from his left nostril, where he was bitten.] Silvah: I like a man with hair on his tonsils, what are you doing tonight Widow? ... Anyway, Club Anarchy is starting to consider climbing up the ranks to earn a title shot. We have a few plans to consider on the way. We want to unmask the Masked Missles, those Archie Bunkers of the PGWeA, and show the world that the way of patriotism is a weak response in this era of the urban jungle. There simply is no law that works in today's cities. Then Club Anarchy wants to make an example of Crime and Punishment. Doctor Lethe sees them as examples of what Bush's "War on Drugs" is doing to the country, making those victims of drug addiction AND responible users over into enemies of the nation to be exterminated, while the real odious sleazebags continue to funnel junk into the country because the profit remains. Then ... URK! ORK! Uahhhhhh! Uahhhhh! Widow: What? What's wrong... Doctor Lethe: Oh, wiss Silvah? I am thinking dat she vill be soon channeling. A medium she iz tu, chu zee. Zoon, ve kann schpeak wiss zomeone vrom beyond! [Silvah is now carrying herself differently. Her six foot, 130 lb. frame now carries itself as if she weighed four hundred pounds, and knew how to use them] Silvah: I BEEN WATCHING YOUSE GUYS, CLUB ANARCHY. I LIKES YOUR STUFF, YOU'RE REAL TOUGHS. NOT LIKE THE STIFFS I BEEN HAVIN' TA PUT UP WITH WATCHING THESE LAST FORTY YEARS, SHEESH! Doctor Lethe: gut, gut... Kann you telling us zoon be, of whom ve schpeaking tu are? Silvah: I'M BULL MARIE, LADIES WORLD CHAMPION 1954-1959. I WOULDA LASTED LONGER IF THAT B1+<% RENA TITANON HADN'T CLOBBERED ME SO BAD IN MY LAST TITLE MATCH THAT I HEMORRAGED AND DIED BEFORE THE THREE COUNT WAS UP. I'M HERE TO TELL THE LIVING WORLD THAT CLUB ANARCHY WILL BECOME THE PGWA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS WITHING THREE WEEKS AND THAT COWBOY KEVIN PUCKETT IS DESTINED TO BECOME WORLD CHAMPION IN FIVE. Widow: This is ridiculous! This is a hoax! I don't believe in ghosts! Silvah/Bull Marie: OH YEAH! EAT THIS PIPSQUEAK... HEEE YAHHHH! [Silvah charges the Black Widow, somehow giving the impression of four hundred pounds of serious female girth! She girth bumps the Widow out of his chair and lands a flying elbow to his solar plexus and puts him in the small package. The Black Widow is helpless! Captain Necropolis and Dr. Lethe are dumbfounded! Suddenly Crime and Punishment run in off the wings to rescue BW. It takes both of them and BW to pull of the raging Bull Marie channeling in via Silvah Hypocrisy. She is thrown offstage as Captain Necropolis and Dr. Lethe exit through the audience along with their groupies.] Captain Necropolis [exiting]: I wish Jimmy could be here to see this. Widow: *pant*pant*pant* Boy, she really packs a wallop! That felt like four hundred pounds coming down on me... hmm... Anyway, that's it for this weeks Tholian Web! Good night! _______________________________________________________________ Jimmy: "HAHAHAHAH! I LOVE IT! THE COCKROACH TRASHED BY A 100 POUND CHICK!" Magilla: "These people of Club Anarchy are definitely insane!" Jimmy: "Yeah! So What?" Magilla (sigh): "Sometimes, Jimmy, I almost wish... Anyway, let's go to Sunn Mooner with some match results..." ------------------------------------------------------------------ Sunn: "Sunn Mooner at the PWGeA Event Center, and boy has it been a BAAAAD week for Baron Von Klaw! First, he lost a World Title match to Sargent Sledge Hammer, who remains the one and only world champ in PWGeA history; then, he was demolished bu Plague Dog, and finally, he dropped his All-Jobber belt to the Wolfman! In that match, Baron Von Klaw tried to hit the Wolfman with an International object, Wolfman ducked, grabbed the I.O., and KOed the Baron with it, to thunderous applause! It seems that the wolfman has become a fan favourite!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimmy: "The WOLFMAN??? A FAN FAVOURITE????" Magilla: "Yeah, some weird things do happen in this league!" Jimmy: "So, Sledge Hammer is the only original champion that has kept his title all the way!" Magilla: "And for how long can he do it? Who knows? Right now, I am told, Gord-Yan Solo is standing by with a big announcement concerning the upcoming Summit of E-Wrestling!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gord-Yan: "Good evening, everybody! Yes, it is official: the WeWF and the PWGeA have agreed to present the Summit of E-Wrestling, a three-day event that will gather the best of the best in the world of wrestling today! From the 10th to the 12th of July, wrestlers from all federations are invited to compete in the following events: 10th: A joint supercard, with matches both indide and outside of your home federation, topped by a unification title match between the two World Champions! 11th: A short card, featuring a huge BAttle Royal! 12th: A 16-team, tag-team tournament! This is not restricted to regular tag-teams: you can form a one-shot team for this occasion! If you want to arrange matches with the other managers of the PWGeA or WeWF (or EMWA, as the case may be), do so as quickly as possible and send the matchups to me (we need lotsa time to write all of these matches!). If you would like to enter the tournament or the Battle Royal, just drop me a line. For now, let's say that you can compete in as many days as you want; if we are flooded, we will tell you! One more thing: a few days before the event, we will publish a special edition of the WeWF's This Week In Wrestling! You can send interviews, sneak attacks and all sorts of gimmicks for this show as well! So it's a date, pals! Magilla, back to you!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "I'm really looking forward to this showdown!" Jimmy: "And rightfully so, because I will be in the Battle Royal, Mongoose!" Magilla: "Oh, brother!... Let's go to Sunn Mooner for more match results, and then we will present the full broadcast of the North American title match between Rick Dangerous and Mr Mercury!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "We're back at the event center! This week, the newest tag-team in the PWGeA, Sword and Shield, defeated La Corrida in 4:55. Yawn. Cowboy Kevin Puckett proved that he was quite ready for a title match when he pinned the Black Knight in 8:02. Johnny Vicious destroyed PowerChief in 3:41. In a Fight of Good Guys, Sargent Sledge Hammer pinned Bobby Windsor in 5:58. Crime and Punishment defended the Tag-Team title of the World successfully by beating the Masked Missiles in 6:38. And Club Anarchy finally notched one in the Win column when they upset the former tag-team champions of the world, Tomahawk and The Patriot, in 8:22! The Patriot was severely injured in this match, and will be out of wrestling for several weeks at least!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coward Pickle: "This next contest is a Steel Cage match for the PWGeA North American title!...( cheers )..... Introducing first the challenger (louder cheers....) Accompanied to the ring by Captain Condom (the holder of the Chastity Belt).... From Sunny California, weighing 230 pounds.... MR MEEEEEEERRRRR---CURY!..... (You Can't Touch This starts to blast in the speakers)... AND HIS OPPONENT... (Booooos)... Accompanied by Johnny Vicious.... From Chicago, Illinois... Weighing 268 pounds.... The Champion, Ricky DAAAAAAN-Gerous!" (Bell rings) Magilla: "The referee locks the door to the cage... Let me remind you that in the PWGeA, it is possible to win a cage match both by pinning the opponent AND by climbing out of the cage...." Jimmy: "If you can!" Magilla: "The wrestlers stare at each other... Obviously lots of bad blood from last week's results... Mr Mercury climbs the buckle... MOONSAULT! Quite impressive!..." Jimmy: "I would be more impressed if he did something to beat his opponent!" Magilla: "Mercury goes to the buckle for another moonsault... UH-OH, Dangerous got him from behind and slams him to the mat!" Jimmy: "That's what you get for showboating against the champion!" Magilla: "Dangerous picks up Mercury... Backbreaker on the knee! Dangerous posing for the crowd! (BOOOOOS)... Mercury is back on his feet... Approaches Dangerous from behind... Back Drop!... Another BackDrop!... (Cheers).... Mercury picks up Dangerous... whips him to the buckle... Mercury Poisoning!" Jimmy: "Let me guess: he is going to do another one! This guy always does his moves by pairs!" Magilla: "Indeed, Mercury whipping the champion to the ropes... Dangerous nails him with a shoulder block, but Mercury flip flaps into the corner, climbs the buckle and... MERCURY RISING! He is running on the top rope!" Jimmy: "Sure, the crowd loves it, but it gives Ricky a rest, so it's still a stupid move!" Magilla: "Mercury stops running, and leaps off the buckle with an axehandle... OOOH! Dangerous evades the move with a punch to the stomach, and applies the full nelson!.... Is Mercury going to submit.... NO, he caught hold of the top rope... The referee separates the opponents... Mercury going back up on the top rope fro another Rising...." Jimmy: "BUT Look at that! As he was running, Rickey punched him in the leg, and Mercury crothed himself on the top rope!" Magilla: "Dangerous in control... Punch!... Kick!.... Mercury bounces off the ropes, leaps for the Poisoning, but Dangerous rolls out of the way! Dangerous picking up Mercury... Slams him face first intot he cage!.. Mercury is bleeding now... Atomic Drop by Dangerous... Mercury is in pain... Headbutt on Mercury's injured forehead... Another punch..." jimmy: "I TOLD you that Mercury could never match up to Ricky in a cage!" Magilla: "Dangerous brings Mercury down with his own version of the sleeper hold... releases it and applies the Boston Crab!" Jimmy: "That's it, it's over!" Magilla: "NOT! Mercury reached the ropes again, and Dangerous's protest to the referee is in vain!.... Mercury sneaking up from behind... Head Scissors!... Another Head scissors.... Crucifix!....Rick Dangerous's shoulders are on the mat: One, two, kickout!... Mercury picks up the champion... SLAMS HIM INTO THE CAGE!... Dangerous in on the ground... Mercury is climbing up the cage... BUT SO IS JOHNNY VICIOUS!..." Jimmy: "Mercury is climbing faster, but he can't get out of the cage, or else Johnny will assault him before he reaches the ground, Ricky will be DQed and Mercury will not win the belt!" Magilla: "Mercury at the top of the cage now... Sees Vicious... AND TURNS HIS BACK! HE MOTIONS TO THE CROWD... AND LEAPS OFF TEH TOP OF THE CAGE AND ONTO RICK DANGEROUS!" Jimmy: "INCREDIBLE! A top of the cage Death from Above!" Magilla: "Mercury covers (HUGE CHEERS) ONE! TWO! THREE! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!" Coward: "The winner, in 9:22, and NEEEEEEEW North American champion, Mr Mercury!!!! (The celebration goes on for a while....) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Yes, we have a new North American champion, and may his title reign be a long and fruitful one! Here are this week's rankings: SINGLES World Champion: Sargent Sledge Hammer, 12-0, 44.12 North American Champion: Mr Mercury, 5-1, 38.08 All-Jobber Champion: The Wolfman, 4-3, 20.21 1. Cowboy Kevin Puckett, 5-1, 39.96 2. Black Knight, 2-5, 36.65 3. Plague Dog, 2-4, 36.16 4. Rick Dangerous, 3-3, 27.12 5. Bobby Windsor, 2-6, 24.94 6. Sargent Glasnost, 4-3, 21.92 7. Johnny Vicious, 2-2, 21 8. Baron Von Klaw, 6-4, 20.32 9. The SpewMaster, 1-3, 20.25 10. Brewster Cogburn, 2-3, 17.2 11. Paul Handler, 0-4, 16.75 TAG-TEAMS World Champions: Crime and Punishment, 9-3, 64.90 1. Sword and Shield, 1-1, 66.5 2. The Shadow Assassins, 2-3, 41.2 3. The Russians, 2-3, 40.6 4. Club Anarchy, 1-5, 36.84 5. La Corrida (or the Legion of Super Jobbers, if you will), 0-1, 15 Many wrestlers have been deleted from the rankings. In most cases, it is due to inactivity. PowerChief is out because I haven't heard from his manager in more than a month, and we had agreed to kill the character if he wasn't back by this time. The Masked Missiles have split up due to an injury to The Patriot. There is room for more wrestlers! Ask for another point total, or tell a friend! --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "OK, so that's it for this week. We are going to take a break next week, so the next report will come out around the 10th of June... By then, I will (hopefully) have crafted a new rankings formula. Feel free to send matches and requests for new wrestlers at any time! And don't forget the Summit! For now, it's Magilla Mongoose and Jimmy Vendetta, saying..." Jimmy: "Drop dead, Black Widow!" Magilla: "So long, and see you in two weeks!" Up