PWGeA Report #9 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Wed, 26 Jun 1991 00:26:59 +0000 PWGeA REPORT # 9 ----- ------ - - Magilla: "Welcome to the PWGeA Report, ladies and gentlemen; as usual, this is Magilla Mongoose, along with Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta." Jimmy: "This is the final report before the Summit of E-Wrestling, and the last opportunity for you to hear my beautiful voice before this most exciting event. So stay tuned!" Magilla: "Yeah, right! This week, The Patriot receives Prof. Spewmaster and Missy Holliday in his Launching Pad, and we have a full match report, but first, let's talk a little more about the Summit. Jimmy, what are your predictions?" Jimmy: "Ford Firepower will face DiMadMan in the unification match, and will win the WeWF World title! I, of course, will have no trouble winning the Royal Rumble, and my pals of Club Anarchy, the World champions, will win the tag-team tournament!" Magilla: "I think that The General will take the Rumble, and that the Black Widow and the Romulan Mauler have a very good shot at the tag-team tournament..." Jimmy: "But as usual, you think wrong, Mongoose!" Magilla: "We will see about that in two weeks! Right now, off to the Event Center." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Thanks a lot. The most unusual incident of the week occurred between the World tag-team title match between Club Anarchy and Sword and Shield, when the Club's Summit opponents, two-time former WeWF World champions The Law, showed up at ringside and attempted to buy the referee so that he would make the Club lose the belts! Fortunately, the plot did not work, and Club Anarchy maintained their title in 9:25. After the match, however, The Law jumped the battered Club and beat them up with chairs, ring bells, and rubber chickens. Here is what The Law and their manager, Machiavelli, had to say: (roll tape) Dredd: (wildeyed) 'Club Anarchy, we may disagree on many a thing. But there's one thing we see eye to eye on. Might makes right. The end justifies the means. ' Anderson: 'Well you ignorant juves have just fought out that we are Might that is justifying your end.' Dredd: 'There just ain't no hiding from ' Anderson: 'The LAW!' Machiavelli: 'And one more thing, punks: our match at the Summit will be held in a cage, and a team can only win if both members of the opposing squad are left unable to stand on their own legs. You like the violence of Urban America? Wait until you experience the might of the Law!' (end of tape) Sunn: "I can't wait for the Summmit, folks! In other matches: The Aztec Mummy defeated the Wolfman in 1:53. Billy Thunder squashed the Black Knight in 5:50. Johnny Vicious piledrove the Plague Dog into next week after 4:48. Brewster Cogburn pinned Lightning bolt after only 1:20. The Bolt had Brewster nearly unconscious with the Electric Piledriver, but Jack Moran, Brewster's manager, knocked him out with his infamous cane. Could we see a cage rematch soon? More results later!" ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The camera focuses on the Zampolit, the manager of the Soviets) Zampolit: Private Glasnost and Tomahawk...the Hammer & Sickle (said with sarcasm). You have foolishly signed a match with the Soviets. You are going to pay for that mistake. Even as we speak the Soviets are training hard for their match with you. They will DESTROY both of you and will finally be rid of Glasnost....who is a complete embarassment to the Rodina! Watch out Club Anarchy...your next! The Soviets still remember what happend at Supercard! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- *** THE LAUNCHING PAD with The Patriot *** Patriot: Today on the launching pad my guest is Professor Spewmaster and his lovely manager...Missy Holiday. (Prof. Spewmaster walks out with a stunning Missy Holiday on his arm. She is wearing an unreal blue evening gown that sparkles in the lights.) Prof.: Thank you Patriot....Patriot! (waves hand in front of Patriot's face to "wake" him back up. When Patriot comes back to Earth they shake hands.) Patriot: errr...oh yeah...you have a match this week with Bobby Windsor for the all jobber belt...any comments about that? Prof.: Yes Mr. Patriot, I have all the respect in the world for Mr. Windsor but once arrived at the ring I am all business. I will do anything it takes to win the belt. In fact, I dedicate this match to all my little spewsters out there. I wish you luck Mr. Windsor...but I'm going to take the belt! (Missy Holiday now walks over to the microphone) Missy: I would like to make a special announcement. For the Summit, Prof. Spewmaster will be joining forces with a fellow man of culture. A man of much wisdom and knowledge, who has proved his valor when he was the All-Jobber champion....(dramatic pause)...The Wolfman! (Wolfman walks onto the stage, wearing a tux over his usual mounds of hair. SpewMaster and Missy shake his hand and give him a little hug.) Patriot: Wow, Wolfster, you sure know how to select your acquaintances! Missy: Together they will be known as the Academics and will be wrestling in the tag-team tournament. They also might have a tune up match before that but we have not worked out the details. Patriot: Well, that is all the time we have today...thank you all for coming. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL Hey Kids! Now you can spew just like Professor Spewmaster with <drum roll> INSTANT SPEW! Instant Spew comes in 12 different colors....from puke green to passionate pink and is only $19.95 a can! With Instant Spew you can... Spew your sister! (show scene of cute kid spewing pink instant spew all over his sister. sister and brother both have good laugh) Spew your parents! (same kid spewing purple over parents who then laugh and pat the kid head) and even spew....your Principal! (kid spewing older guy in 3-piece suit... guy then shows the kid's report card as he changes a F to an A.) Mom and Dad...don't your worry! Instant Spew is completely safe for digestion and when spewed it will wipe off easy (pitcher of Missy Holiday in skimpy bathing suit wiping some spew off the refrigerator) AND! If you act now you will get FREE a identification card that says YOU are a little Spewster! So run out now and buy....INSTANT SPEW!! (turpentine not included) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Back at the Event Center with the other results. The Soviets bombed Hammer and Sickle in 7:20. Bobby Windsor held on to the All-Jobber belt; he defeated Prof. Spewmaster by disqualification. The professor, who was in serious trouble, tried to spew the champion, but ended up squirting the referee, who called the match on the spot. The whole thing lasted 2:55. Mr Mercury regained the North American title when he defeated Cowboy Kevin Puckett in 2:58. Cowboy Kevin had won the belt from Mercury last week. And finally, Billy Thunder ended Ford Firepower's World title reign by pinning him at the 4:29 mark! Congratulation to the champs!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Magilla: "WOW! Your favourite for the World Unification match is not even the PWGA champion anymore, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "I can't believe this! Ford Firepower was such a great champion, how could a wimpy loser like Thunder defeat him? Now, we are stuck with that twit as our representative at the Summit of E-Wrestling! Yech!" Magilla: "If Billy Thunder won the World Title, I am sure that he can do a great job at the Summit, and that the whole PWGeA will be proud of him! Now, let's take a look at the standings! WORLD CHAMPION: Billy Thunder 3-0 57.33 NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPION: Mr Mercury 8-3 43.44 ALL-JOBBER CHAMPION: Bobby Windsor 6-6 28.25 1. Cowboy Kevin Puckett 6-3 33.87 2. Plague Dog 3-6 28.77 3. Johnny Vicious 4-2 28.5 4. Ford Firepower 2-1 27.33 5. Black Knight 3-7 20.21 6. Prof. Spewmaster 2-4 19.57 7. Brewster Cogburn 3-4 19.3 8. Aztec Mummy 1-1 11.5 9. Lightning Bolt 0-3 10.33 10. Wolfman 6-5 7.08 DID NOT COMPETE Sledge Hammer, Tomahawk, Baron Von Klaw, Sargent Glasnost, Rick Dangerous WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS: Club Anarchy 4-5 72.98 1. The Soviets 3-3 61.3 2. Sword and Shield 2-2-1 57.19 3. Hammer and Sickle 0-1 16 DID NOT COMPETE Crime and Punishment, The Androgynes, Shadow Assassins, La Corrida. Magilla: "The next report, to come out on July 15th, will thus feature title shots fro Cowboy Kevin Puckett against Billy Thunder, Johnny Vicious against Mr Mercury, The Aztec Mummy against Bobby Windsor and The Soviets against Club Anarchy!" Jimmy: "Johnny Vicious will take the North American belt!" Magilla: "Now, before we leave, I would like to share some rumours with you, Jimmy. It has been speculated that the Mage's Gallery, of EMWA fame, would be about to enter the PWGeA!" Jimmy: "WOW! Including the New Mystics?" Magilla: "Yep, the EMWA tag-team champions will be here in teh near future!" Jimmy: "It is always good to see some fine talent like Metallicus wreak havoc in a too-quiet federation!" Magilla: "And that's not all: Jack Moran would be about to bring Running Eagle Feather in the PWGA as well! And Admiral Chekov might send some of his men here!" Jimmy: "PHEW! That's an awful lot of people!" Magilla: "You said it, Jimmy; the competition keeps getting better and better all the time in the PWGeA!" Jimmy: "Hey, maybe I could come out of retirement for good, and take a shot at the world title! My grandmother could beat Billy Thunder, so it's now or never!" Magilla: "Oh, puh-lease! Anyway, this is Magilla Mongooose; for The PAtriot, Sunn Mooner and Jimmy Vendetta, so long, and see you at the Summit on July 10th, 11th and 12th!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- NOTE: Some people have not sent me matches in ages. Unless I receive mail from their managers, Crime and Punishment, Sword and Shield and Baron Von Klaw will retire before the next report, which will make room for the new recruits. Up