Summit of E-Wrestling Update From: arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Aidan Palmer) Date: Fri, 14 Jun 1991 22:19:33 +0000 Summit of E-Wrestling Update Wince: "Welcome everyone to the first pre-Summit update! We don't want to have as much hype as the WBF Championship, but we hope we can have another update before the Summit!" Baboon: "I'm Baboon Typhoon and along with Wince McLady and Robby the Lame I'll be bringing you up to date on all the happenings surrounding this big event." Wince: "The Summit will be taking place July 10-12, and will have inter-federation matches, a huge battle royal and a tag team tournament!" Robby: "What I want to see is the main event for the 10th, the WeWF Champion against the PWGeA Champion!" Wince: "And speaking of champions, former EMWA Champion John Girder will be on hand." Baboon: "What matches are set up so far, Wince?" Wince: "So far we've got The Law taking on Club Anarchy, Mr. Mercury vs. The Aztec Mummy in a Lumberjack match, The Grim Reaper vs. Brewster Cogburn, and Mr. B vs. The Black Knight." Baboon: "I've heard rumors about some inter-federation team ups, Wince." Robby: "You know, I'd like to see the Four Corners and the Shadow Assassins team up against anybody! Those six have mastered sneak attacks. I don't think anybody has enough guts to be on the other team!" Baboon: "All six of those guys will be in the battle royal, Lame." Wince: "Let's hear from John Girder." "Well, the EMWA summer break's here. I've been taking it easy the past few weeks, but I really miss the squared circle. So, wrestling fans, I'm here to announce that myself and the rest of the Mage's Gallery will be present at the Wrestling Summit! That's right, myself, Metallicus, Fury, Warren Hammer, the EMWA Tag Team champions, the New Mystics, and, of course, our manager the Magician, are all interested in this event. We're still in the talking stages, but you can count on us to be there somehow!" -- John Girder, former EMWA Heavyweight Champion "What? No women in the other leagues?!? Well, I NEVER....." -- Katrina of the HellKats, the EMWA Women's Tag Team Champions Baboon: "Girder lost the EMWA title just recently, at WrestleWarMania." Wince: "A lot of things took place at that card, including Daedalus the Destroyer, unquestionably one of the most popular e-wrestlers seemingly turning his back on the fans." Robby: "I beg your pardon? Daedalus finally saw the light! He never needed the mutoids cheering for him! He never needed Sheik Bahba! If he had a real manager, like my good friend Smooth, he would be unbeatable!" Baboon: "Let's hear comments from some of the participants in the Summit matches." The camera focuses on a stage set with massive Babylonian architecture. Attention is focused to the center of the stage, where a large stone octagonal cylinder stands alone dominating the stage. Behind it, a huge marble stairway cascades down from backstage. A dry-ice fog creeps about the floor. After the establishing shot, the camera pans up to the top of the stairway, and zooms in on two large figures in what appear to be monkish robes covering them from head to toe. Their faces are hidden in the shadow of their hoods. They descend the stairway in silence. As they reach the bottom of the stairway, they approach the octagonal obelisk and flank it on left and right. The obelisk can be seen to be covered with spidery writing etched into its every surface. This much closer, it is apparant that the robed figure on the right is larger. He speaks. Figure #1: This stone obelisk is thousands of years old. It marks an important milestone in the history of mankind. Figer #2: -nods- Figure #1: In ancient Babylon, the King Hammurabi saw to it that the word of law for his domain be written down upon this obelisk. It is the first time that The Law has ever been made manifest and concrete. Both figures bow their heads momentarily. Then, Figure #1 slides a sledge hammer from down his sleeve, turns and deals the code of Hammurabi a mighty blow! Stone chips fly everywhere. he hauls back again and slams the stone obelisk with all his might. It begins to crack. He pounds it over and over again, ravaging and destroying one of the most important artifacts of The Law ever to be found! Meanwhile Figure #2 begins dancing and singing in a circle around the frenzied destruction of Figure #1 Figure #2 [sings]: Oh, chit iz zo nize to be kvilling Lawfulhoodness. The endings of the Law contributing to the goodness. Anarchismus ve be zinging ov Vittings fur die Vorld liking to a glove! Destvroying Hammurabvi's Kode und prvomoting lewdness! As Figure #1 pounds Hammurabi's Code into dust and Figure #2 dances, their hoods flip back revealing a psychedelic gleam in the eye of the dancer and sunglasses on the face of the other. It is Club Anarchy - Dr. Lethe and Captain Necropolis. Captain Necropolis turns from his destruction of one of the most significant artificats of Law in all history and speaks. Captain Necropolis: Just as I have destroyed this embodiment of the Law, to show that there is no room in this nation for such a fettered state anymore, so will we destroy in the ring the Law of Judge Dredd and Judge Anderson... Dr. Lethe: Joodgie Andersson? Vaiting a minuten... Iz a voman thinking I vas. Are chu not being a voman Joodgie, or misvremembering am I? [shrugs] Captain Necropolis: You will fall inside the cage under the hands of Club Anarchy, just like the Masked Missles fell. You are even less worthy than they, embodying the fascist social control elements of this potentially dynamic culture of Urban America! We will destroy you! Dr. Lethe: Vell, dat being zome times in the futurama, zo I vill zeeing chu later be. Looking forvard am I tu it! Zincerely! Good Vun fur all! Captain Necropolis turns his back. Dr. Lethe smiles and waves at the camera as it pans away from the stage and into the audience of what can now be seen to be Club Anarchy, after which the tag team named itself. Anarchy in the U.K. by the Sex Pistols begins playing loudly and the totally leather clad audience goes berzerk and begins slam dancing with a vengence. Just before the camera goes to black, one can see Captain Necropolis make an incredible stage dive 15 feet into the mad dancers. Baboon: "Club Anarchy! I hope the Law brings them into line!" Robby: "Dr. Lethe isn't all there! But he's a very good wrestler, unlike either member of the Law." Baboon: "Please. The Law held the WeWF Tag Team Belts!" Robby: "Club Anarchy have a PWGeA Tag Team Title shot coming up, and they have a very good chance of beating Crime and Punishment!" Wince: "Indeed. Let's hear from another PWGeA wrestler, the Aztec Mummy." Enter the Aztec Mummy, all 7'2" of him. He is large and powerful looking as muscles ripple across his chest. His face is totally swathed in linen. No one knows what disfigurements lie below those layers... He rasps out his message on vocal cords that sound as if they haven't been touched by a drop of water in decades. Aztec Mummy: As a true celestial being, embodying the Morning Star of Venus and its terrible powers of fate and destruction [in his culture], I have challenged a pretender to the throne of celestial might. This beach bumpkin refers to himself as 'Mr. Mercury'. I will destroy this pretender in a lumberjack match during the Summit of eWrestling. I would like to take this oppurtunity to invite some of the fine wrestlers of the PGWeA and WeWF to help form the ring about us that will ensure that there will be no escape for 'Mr. Mercury'. Black Knight, you are of the nobility of Europe as I am of Tenochtitlan. I would be honored to have you. Baron von Klaw also does a service to the royal blood of Europe, I would see you there as well. From the WeWF I would like to invite all of Smooth's crew as well. I have long been an admirer of Budman. Also, if the Shadow Assassins would be so kind as to join, I would be honored. And YOU, Mercury are you starting to understand what you're in for yet? The Mummy's Claw will smite you from the heavans where you have no place being. Beware Mercury, your hours are numbered. Heh heh heh. Wince: "That man is huge! Let's hear from his opponent, PWGeA North America Champ Mr. Mercury." Palm trees, white sand and blue, blue water are the background to Mr. Mercury's training camp. Speaking of the North American champ, he is lying on a beach blanket with a pair of shades on, a coconut w/ an umbrella in it at his right hand and a surf board lying to the side. Two young ladies are rubbing oil into his handsome and tan physique. Mr. Mercury glances in the direction of the camera and raises his glasses. Mr. Mercury: Oh most mummified and overgrown one (sip from the coconut), you strike like major streamers of fearstuff through me. (Yawn. Sip.) Anyway Aztecky my most bodacious challenger, you can see the most totally intense training I am so bravely undergoing to prepare. A little more to the left girls. (Sip. Rubs his head & winces.) Oww, major dent. Y'know my skull has been used as the most like obvious target recently. Every sinker and his cousin has taken a shot or two. Totally bogus occurance. Anyway like opportunity knocks not upon my head three times, or something like that. So our most raucous match will happen Lumberjack style. Most excellent. All you smiling faces join me for a much fine party. And try and keep those faceless boys from doing a tango on my neck mounted dance platform. (Drains coconut, and stands up. Flexes and crushes coconut between hands.) Wow major tide action. I'll catch you in the ring Mummy, now I've got some more.... practicing to do. (Grabs his board & runs for the water) Surfs Uppppppp. Robby: "He should be wrestling, not surfing! He should be thinking about the Aztec Mummy, not some dumb waves!" Wince: "It works for him, Lame. He's the North America Champion! The Aztec Mummy asked the Shadow Assassins to be on his team of lumberjacks, and Green Jean Oktoberfest tracked them down. Green Jean?" Green Jean: "Shadow Assassins, what do you have to say to the Aztec Mummy's offer?" Johnny Vicious: "Do we get to beat anybody up?" Green Jean: "I guess so." Ricky Dangerous: "Good, we'll be there. Mercury, you stole the North America Belt from me, and I will make you pay." Baboon: "I hope those two stay outside the ring. They're only supposed to be lumberjacks, not wrestlers!" Robby: "I'd like to see the Aztec Mummy mummify Mr. Mercury! He'd have a hard time surfing if that happened!" Wince: "What if Mr. Mercury rips the Mummy's bandages off? What does the Mummy look like?" Robby: "It'll never happen. But you know, they will meet again in the battle royal. In fact, we'll probably be seeing a lot of rematches there." Baboon: "You're right, Robby. Let's run down the list of competitors, along with which federation they will be representing." Aztec Mummy PWGeA Bjorn "the Sweedish Pretzel" WeWF Brewster Cogburn EMWA, PWGeA BudMan WeWF The Crusher WeWF Daemon WeWF DiMadMan WeWF Erik WeWF Fury EMWA The General WeWF Jimmy Vendetta PWGeA Johnny Vicious PWGeA Metallicus EMWA Mr. B WeWF Mr. Mercury PWGeA The Neutralizer WeWF The Plaid Powerhouse WeWF Professor Spewmaster PWGeA Ricky Dangerous PWGeA The Romulan Mauler WeWF Sargent Glasnost PWGeA Sledge Hammer PWGeA Tholian Black Widow WeWF Tom "the Animal" Brown WeWF Wince: "What a select group of e-wrestlers! And there is still room for more. Robby, who do you think is the favorite for this one?" Robby: "With that many bodies in the ring at once, it's tough to call. In fact, it's impossible! But I'll go out on a limb and predict that Glamourous Jimmy Vendetta will pull it off. And if he doesn't, one of the Four Corners will." Baboon: "I think Professor Spewmaster will clear everybody out of the ring with that green mist he spews. That guy stinks." Wince: "The Shadow Assassins had this to say about the battle royal." Ricky Dangerous: "A lot of wrestlers are going to be in the battle royal, and all but one are going out over the top rope onto the floor." Johnny Vicious: "Ricky, if it comes down to just you and me, one of us should just step aside and let the other man win." Ricky: "Okay, Johnny, that sounds fair. Which ever one of us cripples more people gets to win. And it will come down to the two of us." Johnny: "And if anyone gets in our way, remember..." Ricky: "... It's going to be DANGEROUS..." Johnny: "... Because we are VICIOUS!" Ricky: "Sword and Shield, eat your hearts out." Robby: "Ha ha ha! Those guys are great!" Wince: "You've been in a good mood ever since the Four Corners attacked the Hoosiers and the General. You are twisted." Robby: "So's the General's neck! Ha ha ha!" Baboon: "Please. There's also that big tag team tournament! Let's quickly run down who's in it so far:" The BattleCruisers WeWF Brewster Cogburn & Baron Von Klaw PWGeA Club Anarchy PWGeA Double Trouble PWGeA Hammer and Sickle PWGeA Future Express EMWA The Hoosiers WeWF John Girder & Warren Hammer EMWA The Maniacs WeWF The New Mystics EMWA Romulan Mauler & Black Widow WeWF The Soviets PWGeA Sword and Shield PWGeA The 007 Special WeWF Wince: "What a line-up so far! There are some very good teams in there." Robby: "There sure are, and I won't even bother to pick a winner in this one." Wince: "Let's hear from one of my favorite teams, the Future Express!" Peregrine Falcon: "At the Summit of E-Wrestling, with all the little Falcamaniacs watching, we are going to step in the ring and give 110%. Oh yeah dudes, I've been working out and training specially for this tournament and I think we've got a good chance of going all the way. Falcamania is running wild, and all our opponents are going to find that out the hard way. Tell 'em Warrior!" Hyper Warrior: "I got a brain operation, I lost thirty pounds, and I learned some wrestling moves! No more "mists of Jupiter" for me! They're calling the Persian Gulf War "hyperwar". All the other teams will see what hyperwar is all about firsthand when I step into the ring. If you're a rule breaker, watch out! The new and improved Future Express is coming!" Falcon: "And whatcha gonna do?" Baboon: "Those guys have it all, speed, strength, stamina..." Robby: "And stupidity! Nice guys finish last, and the Future Express are nice guys." Baboon: "We still need more wrestlers, and hopefully we will see some more inter-federation matches signed before the Supercard!" Wince: "That's all from here! We'll see you again before the Summit for another update! Good luck to all the participants!" Up