UFWS Report #15 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Fri, 30 Aug 1991 01:21:46 +0000 UFWS REPORT #15 ---- ------ --- Magilla Mongoose: "Good evening ladies and gents, and welcome to this short edition of the UFWS Report; as you all know, most of this week's action took place at the second SuperCard, held last Monday at the Northlands Coliseum and..." Jimmy Vendetta: "I beat the Trekkies, Mongoose! I beat the Trekkies!" Magilla: "Yes, Jimmy, I must admit that you won the match, but I doubt very much that you and Club Anarchy could have pulled the victory if the Ultimate Trekkies had been teaming up with a wrestler in top shape. The Patriot had not been anywhere near a ring in months!" Jimmy: "And he won't be back near a ring for years!" Magilla: "Before we present to you this week's match report, let's go to Mark DeMandable's boring and tasteless show!" *** RAMBLIN' WITH DEMANDABLE *** DeMandable: 'Hello you suckbutt, twinkie eating, slobs. Welcome back to Ramblin' with DeMandable. My guest this week are no where near as awesome as my last guests, but they do have a style that is to say the least, Unique. Thank God. Here they come now, Captain Necropolis and Dr.Lethe, Club Anarchy! (Club Anarchy makes a somber entrance, the Captain wearing a Soviet military cap, and Dr. Lethe will wearing a long multicolored scarf. Dr. Lethe offers a jelly baby to DeMandable who grimaces and declines. Lethe pops one in his mouth and immediatly get a psychedelic gleam in his eye. DeMandable: "Well guys haven't seen much of you around since that match against Billy Thunder, could it be that the Thunderstorm hit you harder then the results indicated?" Captain: "Not Likely! Our recent relative inactivity has nothing to do with that slug Billy Thunder. It was due to an extended performance project we have been arranging in the U.S.S.R. Anarchy always pleases me." DeMandable: "What do mean? What kind of project?" Captain: "I'm sorry but I can say no more." DeMandable: "Well I hope you can say something about ducking the title challenge from the Ultimate Trekkies." Captain: (dodges a wandering Dr.Lethe) "We dodged nothing! We PROVED who the best team was at the Supercard, and we reissue their challenge. Club Anarchy will regain the Tag team title in no time at all. No one will stop them, not even the Longnecks." DeMandable: "Are you honestly challenging them too? You guys must be on the same brain track as Lanny Horowitz! But I digress. What do you plan on doing about this Club Anarchy incident with yourselves and the Trekkies? I hear they called in some fire or something?" Captain: "That was just a warehouse that we decided to have the Club in that particlular night. It always moves around. It was really no skin off of our neck. Besides we proved it during the Supercard, Anarchy is the way. By the way Mark before we leave, we've a gift for you, Doctor." (Doctor Lethe approaches DeMandable who looks a little nervous and picks his chair up to defend himself, but Lethe just hands him a tape.) Lethe: "Iz gut tape ov zie Beatles Revolution No. 9." DeMandable: "Well thanks guys, really and feel free to stop in again anytime." (Lethe and Necropolis walk off the stage.) DeMandable: "Trash. And goodbye to all you fat, Slimm-wannabe, boyscout lovers too. Until next week this Ramblin' with Mark DeMandable in full Demand!" (He tosses the tape over his shoulder, picks up his portable phone and dials a number as the film fades back he can be heard in the backgorund...) DeMandable: "Yeah ACME pest control? I need you come check my set for roaches." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Vince: "This is Vince McMuffin at the event center, to bring you up to date on this week's match results. The first UFWS Card after the Northlands was held in Seattle, Washington, last Tuesday, and featured a match between The New Mystics and The Long Necks for the North American tag-team titles. We have some footage of that match:" (roll tape) Paul Scarer: "... SandMan is exchanging insults with a fan in the first row and BudMan is working on Wizard, on the outside..." Magilla: "The fans in section F have erupted in laughter and cheers... Here comes a man dressed in the remnants of a chauffeur uniform... IT'S THE BORN LOSER, LANNY HOROWITZ!!!" Paul: "The Born Loser jumps in the ring and assaults BudMan! Lanny Horowitz is biting, kicking and punching BudMan, who doesn't budge!" Magilla: "And SandMan picks up Lanny and tosses him into the fans!..." (end tape) Vince: "So, it WAS the Born Loser, who was driving that limo!... Anyway, the Long Necks lost that match, and the New Mystics are still the champions. Also on that card, Sargent Glasnost captured the All-Jobber belt by beating Baron Von Klaw with the Japanese armlock, The Romulan Mauler demolished the Plague Dog, Billy Thunder lost to Angus "The Claymore" Campbell and DiMadMan pinned Wilhelm Panzer. The results from last night's Portland show are coming up later. Back to you, Magilla!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "That Born Loser wil never learn!" Jimmy: "He is so stupid, not only can he hide his own Easter eggs, he can also have a ball watching them until the Easter Bunnies hatch!" Magilla: "Well, maybe he IS a little confuse... Speaking of confusion, there is much talk about the status of the American Guerilla..." Jimmy: "I know that the three of us have been having some arguments in the past few weeks, but we sorted things out, and all will be fine. Thank you." Magilla: "Even though Bamm Bamm teamed up with Angus Campbell to eliminate Randy Hurricane, in the SuperCard battle royal?" Jimmy: "Yeah, these things happen!" Magilla: "Well, our roving reporter, Panty Rhose, hid a camera in your locker room during the SuperCard, and here is some footage of the argument that took place after the matches were over..." Jimmy: "HEY! Don't show that! I'll sue you for breach of privacy!..." (Roll tape) (Bamm Bamm Gigolow is getting shelled by his manager, Dick Tator) Tator: "You stoopid, americannn idiot! Thees is not arr game plan!" (Enter Randy Hurricane and Jimmy Vendetta) Tator: "And you, idiot Vendetta! Why did you let him do it?" Vendetta: "Hey, be cool, man, I couldn't do a thing, I was in the commentator's booth! I was not in the ring!!!" Tator: "Yah, commentator! Information! Information is useless! WHAT YOU NEED IS DISCIPLINE!" Vendetta: "Hey, hold on a second! I will not throw my career in broadcasting just to please YOU!" (Vendetta shoves Dick Tator; his stormtroopers, Bamm Bamm and Randy jump in what looks very much like a Battle Royal, with everybody beating up on everybody.) (end tape) Magilla: "So THAT's what you call 'making up', huh?" Jimmy: "I will not accept your abuse, Mongoose! You'll see what happens, next week!" Magilla: "Next week, really? I am sure looking forward to that... Much more than I am looking forward to this part of our show, namely..." *** SMOOTH'S GROOVE *** Smooth: "Hello all you couch potato, Smooth wannabes out there. That's right the Smoothster is back in action and better than ever despite that pitiful attempt on his life by Baron Von Klown. My guests this week are none other than the team that defeated not only four, but 5 opponents to win the WarGames match..... They are the FOUR CORNERS!!!!!" (The crowd erupts in a hurrendous boos as the Four Corners walk onto stage. It takes almost a full minute for them to quiet down.) Smooth: "Oh yeah. This week the Four Corners will all be tasting gold. Isn't that right DiMadman." DiMadman: "That's right Smooth. The Longnecks beat the New Mystics before and they're gonna do it again. It's my first title shot and thanks to Billy Thunder agreeing to let me trade shots with him, I'll be going after the World Championship and pounding on none other than Sargent Sledge Hammer! Oh baby is this ever gonna be great. Sledge you better call the ambulance, cause Trust me. I know what I'm doing. Oh Yeah!" Smooth: "Thunder that means you're squaring off against Brewster Cogburn, if he can crawl back into the ring after the beating he took." (Thunder looks a little puzzled) Thunder: "Uh....yeah...that's right Smooth. Rugburn, I own you. You first man I hammered when I came to the UFWS, and you can bet I'm gonna let the Thunder roll all over you again. I'm through sharing the wealth with you pitiful American excuses for wrestlers. Rugburn, the North American title is mine, you just better get out of the way! Wooooooooooooooooooo!" Smooth: "Oh yeah! And The Longnecks squaring off once again against the phonies who bribed the ref into saying the Four Corners lost at the E-Wrestling Summit. Sandman, tell 'em their fate." Sandman: "Our last meeting was a long hard battle Mystics, this time around it's gonna be lights out in a big hurry. The Longnecks are through playing around. We're out for blood now. And we're starting with you punks. When the Sandman steps inside that ring you'd better make sure you have your insurance paid in full, cause you're gonna be out a real long time." Budman: "Arr argg Arr!" Sandman: "And Nothing Beats a Bud!" Smooth: "You heard 'em folks. The Four Corners are on their way to the top, and they don't care WHO they kick down the ladder to get there. Until next week when my guest will be that consumate professional (The five men laugh) Lightning Bolt. This is Smooth for the Four Corners and the groove. Adios." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- VInce: "Well, now of course we know that the Long Necks did not take any belts this week, but the two other members of the Four Corners had their chance last night! In the first match of the evening, Destruction celebrated his return to singles competition by trouncing the Born Loser. The Hellhoud, Rick Schroeder then proceedes to beat Metallicus in a match where both men bleeded profusely. The Shadow Assassins regained the World tag-team titles fro mthe Ultimate Trekkies, when Rick Dangerous pinned the Black Widow after giving him a pair of DDT's on the concrete floor. Billy Thunder dethroned Brewster Cogburn as North American champion; Cogburn did not look like much in that match. And finally, Sargent "Sledge" Hammer defended his belt successfully when he beat DiMadMan. The updated rankings, as of 1991-08-29, are thus: WORLD CHAMP: Sargent Sledge Hammer 18-2 45 NORTH AMERICAN CHAMP: Billy Thunder 10-5 36 ALL-JOBBER CHAMPION: Sargent Glasnost 7-5 29 1. Destruction 3-2 40 2. Hellhound Rick Schroeder 2-1 34 3. The Romulan Mauler 1-1-1 33 4. DiMadMan 2-1-1 32 5. Brewster Cogburn 8-5 27 6. Angus "The Claymore" Campbell 1-1 23 7. John Girder 1-5 22 8. Plague Dog 4-6 21 9. Born Loser Lanny Horowitz 1-6 19 10. Baron Von Klaw 9-6 17 11. Wilhelm Panzer 0-1 10 WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPS: Shadow Assassins 8-4 64 NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPS: New Mystics 5-3 58 1. Ultimate Trekkies 5-1 55 2. Hammer and Sickle 2-3 39 Next week, Sledge Hammer defends the world title against Destruction, Billy Thunder, ironically,. defends against both Angus Campbell and The Hellhound, Sargent Glasnost faces The Born Loser, The Ultimate Trekkies get their rematch against the Shadow Assassins, and the Mystics face Hammer and Sickle." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Magilla: "The next report will come out some time next week, probably on Thursday, but maybe on Friday; anyway, send matches now!" Jimmy: "Two matches have already been signed: Club Anarchy vs The Trekkies in a best of three falls competition, and The New Mystics vs the newcomers, the White Knights! Send matches NOW!" Magilla: "For the entire UFWS crew, Smooth, Mark DeMandable, Paul Scarer, Panty Rhose, Vince McMuffin and Jimmy Vendetta, this is Magilla Mongoose saying: So long, and see you at the matches!" Up