UFWS SuperCard # 2

From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee)

Date: Tue, 27 Aug 1991 03:36:23 +0000

UFWS SUPERCARD #2
	---- --------- --

(Magilla is wearing a tux; Paul Scarer is wearing his usual funeral garb; Jimmy
 Vendetta wears a pink Smoking coat and haut-de-forme over his wrestling trunks)

Magilla: "August 26th, The Northlands Coliseum in Edmonton, Alberta: this is
 the UFWS's second SuperCard, brought to you by Instant Spew Inc. and by
 Bloodweiser, the "king of wrestling" of beers! I am Magilla Mongoose, your
 host for tonight; my analysts will be Paul Scarer and The Body, Jimmy Vendetta,
 who will also enter the squared circle later on tonight! Any last minute
 comments, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Yep! I invited Paul Scarer to be around, tonight, because the Romulan
 Moron and the Black Cockroach may be in need of his services before the card
 is through! HAHAHAHAH!"

Magilla: "Also on tonight's card, Sargent Sledge Hammer will defend the UFWS
 World's Heavyweight title against the winner of an 12-man battle royal, unless
 he wins it himself; The Four Corners battle The KO Corral in a war games
 match, and The Soviets wrestle their last match in North America before going
 back to the Soviet Union, to  in The Zampolit's trial for treason!"

Paul: "Oooooooohhhhh, yeeesssss! There will be business for me tonight!"

Magilla: "Before going down to ringside for the first match, here are a few
 comments from The Four Corners first, and then the Ultimate Trekkies!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smooth: 'Oh yea you idiots! Tonight is going to be a great one! My Four
        Corners beating on four punks I hate. Tell 'em guys!'

Sandman: 'That's right baby! Tonight I'm gonna some head crushing, blood-
        letting, and all those other things the Kiddie Korrals mommy won't
        let them do!  Tonight, kiddies, you're gonna be going to sleep
        EXTRA early.  Cause when the Sandman comes to town he's gonna
        put your lights out!'

DiMadman: 'I LOVE it! This is indeed gonna be grand punks! I'm gonna flatten
        your puny little heads into the ground.  There are no four men that
        can handle the Corners.  And Feather, Rugburn, and company are
        hardly what I would call men!'

Thunder: 'Me either DiMadman!  Three of you four already kno'ow it feels to
        be Thunderstruck, and the fourth is 'ardly worth the effort!  You
        couldn't face me before, and when the Thunder rolls into the ring
        it's gonna be like Saturday reruns. The little kiddies will be down
        for the count. Woooooooo!'

Smooth: 'Oh this is great! Oh! Budman you have something to say?'

Budman: 'Grr Ughh Grrr Ugh!'

Smooth: 'Well I doubt I need to translate, but for all you morons out there,
        Like Jack Moron, Nothing beats a Bud! or the Four Corners!  Let's
        get out of here gentleman.'

Smooth and the Four Corners leave to the boos of the crowd.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(The Trekkies, wearing the UFWS World tag-team belts, are doing hyping The
 Patriot, who is doing pushups; the big man's belly is still touching the
 floor when his arms are fully extended, but no matter.)

Trekkies: "Come on, come on, Patriot! Ten more! Ten more!"

Patriot: "Grumph... Arghhh!"

(He painfully does the push-ups, and then sits; Admiral Chekov puts a towel
 around his shoulders.)

Chekov: "As you see, The Patriot is back in shape... Bad news for some people,
 indeed!"

Black Widow: "You fans will be treated to an oddity tonight: five of the
 six men in our match have held the World tag-team belts at some time. The only
 difference is that we, The Ultimate Trekkies, STILL have them. Velveeta,
 Club Anarchy, you don't stand a chance!"

Mauler: "Especially not in the Warbird... MY home town!"

PAtriot: "And I will make you a promise: if we don't win this match, I will
 NEVER wrestle again in the UFWS! NEVER!"

Chekov: "Don't worry about that, Patriot! Because as u, when the referee
 stops the match, The Ultimate Trekkies and The Patriot will prevail! Chekov
 out!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward Pickle: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the UFWS's August Armageddon!
 Our first contest tonight is a tag-team match, scheduled for one fall...
 Introducing first to my left, at a total combined weight of 654 pounds and
 representing the All-Jobber confederation... The team of The Aztec Mummy
 and Bobby "The Cavalier" Windsor!"

Magilla: "Between the two of them, these men have held the All-Jobber belt
 for the better part of the summer, and The Mummy also held the North American
 championship at some time! This is a formidable team!"

Coward: "And their opponents.... <You can't touch this by MC Hammer>... At a
 total combined weight of 513 pounds, and hailing from Chicago, Illinois, here
 are Rick Dangerous and Johnny Vicious, The Shadow Assassins!"

Jimmy: "The former tag-team champions of the world, and also the next tag-team
 champions of the world; the Assassins should have no trouble at all winning
 the tournament that will fill the vacant title after I send the Cockroach and
 the Moron to the morgue!"

Paul Scarer: "My pleasure, Jimmy, my pleasure!"

Magilla: "Gimme a break!... The match gets under way; it's the Mummy vs
 Rick Dangerous, the two powerhouses, that will start things off... The Mummy
 offers a test of strength... Dangerous beats on his chest ala King Kong, and
 accepts... They lock up, AND THE MUMMY IMMEDIATELY BRINGS HIM TO HIS KNEES!"

Jimmy: "What power on the part of the Aztec Mummy! Unless it was just a trap
 laid out by the Assassins!"

Magilla: "Rick Dangerous tries to get out of his uncomfortable position by
 weakening the Mummy's abdominals with headbutts... Yes, the Mummy releases
 the hold and goes to his corner; Bobby Windsor tags in."

Paul: "The Aztec Mummy, one of my greatest achievements!"

Magilla: "Yeah, sure!... Windsor locks up with Dangerous, who shoves him hard
 into the corner, and poses for the crowd! <crowd boos>... Dangerous motions
 to Windsor to come back... Windsor dodges a lock-up attempt and boots
 Dangerous in the trailwagon! <crowd pops>... Dangerous is irate; he slams his
 hands on the top rope, and charges; Windsor dodges and boots his behind again!"

Jimmy: "Dangerous is losing his cool; this is exactly what The Cavalier wants:
 make his opponent commit errors!"

Magilla: "Dangerous tags out to Johnny Vicious... Vicious bounces off the ropes
 and knocks Widnsor down with a shoulder block... Vicious off the ropes again,
 and Windsor goes down with a knee to the gut!... Vicious slowly picks up his
 opponent by the hair, and WHAM! Rolling neckbreaker!"

Jimmy: "Vicious has turned the tide of the match in the Assassins' favor!"

Magilla: "In comes Rick Dangerous... Windsor tries to crawl into his corner on
 all four, but Dangerous kicks him in the face!... And in the behind!"

Jimmy: "Well-deserved!"

Magilla: "Dangerous cheap shots teh Aztec Mummy with a right hand, and stomps
 on The Cavalier's hands <crowd boos>... Dangerous picks up Windsor, lays him on
 the top turnbuckle... Headbutt to the midsection, and Windsor falls to the
 ground! Dangerous makes the tag to Johnny Vicious!"

Jimmy: "If the Assassins continue their onslaught, Paul Scarer may have to
 work earlier than expected!"

Magilla: "Vicious whips Windsor into the buckle, and follows him in...
 WINDSOR KNOCKS HIM DOWN WITH A KNUCKLE STRIKE TO THE PARIETAL BONES! That
 really hurts the head!"

Jimmy: "You should know about that, Mongoose; you used to have a head yourself,
 at an earlier time of your career!"

Mongoose: "Gimme a break!... Windsor and Vicious are both down... Vicious
 reaches his partner's hnd and makes the tag... So does Windsor! <crowd pops>..
 It is a rare occasion indeed when the crowd cheers for the Mummy!... The
 Aztec Mummy locks up with Dangerous, puhes him into the ropes... Clothesline!..
 And a splash! One! Two! Kickout!"

Jimmy: "Almost a three count right there! Dangerous had better wake up, and
 fast!"

Mongoose: "The Mummy whips Dangerous into the corner and WHAM! Montezuma's
 Revenge Avalanche!... Dangerous slumps to the ground... In comes Vicious
 to make the save, but the Mummy flashes a fireball in his face.. Vicious
 is reeling in pain.. But Dangerous took advantage of the break; he sneaks up
 from behind and nails the Mummy with an  atomic drop, and a clothesline to the
 back of the head..."

Jimmy: "Come on! finish him up!"

Mongoose: "Dangerous on the second rope... Drops a knee to the Mummy's back!..
 And he signals for the Boston Crab!"

Jimmy: "Turn off the lights, the party's over!"

Magilla: "Bobby Windsor is too weak to runin for the save, and would never
 cheat anyway... The Mummy tries to resist, but it's too much for him! He
 submits!"

Coward: "Your winners: The Shadow Assassins!"

Magilla: "With this victory, the Shadow Assassins move right back into title
 contention!"

Jimmy: "In fact, with The Soviets gone, they become the No.1 contenders and
 will wrestle the Trekkies for the belts this Thursday in the next report!"

Magilla: "Send your challenges for this report right now, folks... Time to
 go back to the ring for the Battle Royal!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "Ladies and gentlemen, our next contest is an 12-man Battle Royal! The
 winner of this competition will get a shot at Sledge Hammer, later on in
 the evening!... Here are the participants:

From Strathclyde, Scotland, we 228 pounds, Angus "The Claymore"
  Campbell!

From parts unknown, weighing 330 pounds, Destruction!

From Sunny Beach, California, weighing 230 pounds, Mr. Mercury!

From Daytona Beach,. Florida, weighing 374 pounds, Bamm Bamm Gigolow!

From Fort Lauderdale, Florida, weighing 231 pounds, Randy Rock'n'Roll Hurricane

From London, England, weighing 245 pounds, The Plague Dog!

From parts unknown, weighing 330 pounds, The Warden!

From New York City, weighing 255 pounds, Ford Firepower!

From Parts Unknown, weighing 350 pounds, Death!

From Detroit, Michigan, weighing 280 pounds, John Girder!

From Riverside, California, weighing 217 pounds, Lightning Bolt!

And from the 3012th Marine Division, weighing in at an even 230 pounds, the
  UFWS World's Heavyweight champion, Sargent "Sledge" Hammer!"

Magilla: "Any predictions, Jimmy? Paul?"

Paul: "The Lightning Bolt gave me my first shot at the UFWS; I will cheer for
 him!"

Jimmy: "fat chance of that loser taking the BR, all right! Plague Dog and
 Death and Destruction will be the last three!"

Magilla: "The bell rings, and Death and Destruction immediately double-team
 Sledge Hammer!"

Jimmy: "Obvious game plan, Mongoose: Get the champ out of there as fast as
 possible! Brilliant!"

Magilla: "The Warden and Plague Dog are exchanging blows, while The California
 Express are beating up on Ford Firepower... The Lightning Bolt unloads with
 an elbow smash to Firepower... Meanwhile, John Girder rescues Sledge Hammer
 from Death and Destruction; he nails Destruction form behind with a belly-to-
 back suplex!"

Jimmy: "The Claymore and Bamm Bamm Gigolow have teamed up to fight Randy
 Hurricane! I can't believe it! Bamm Bamm is btraying our partner!"

Magilla: "And the betrayal looks as if it's going to work! The Claymore bounces
 off the ropes, and nails Hurricane with the Franken Claymore! Hurricane is
 eliminated!"

Jimmy: "This is a disgrace! I hope that Dick Tator will have Bamm Bamm arrested
 that!"

Magilla: "Plague Dog is howling, but The Warden keeps him down with a side
 headlock... Destruction picks up Sledge Hammer on his shoulders, and Death
 goes to the second rope... WHAM! Flying Clothesline by Death, who picks up the
 world champ and tries to dump him over the ropes!... Meanwhile, The Claymore
 and Bamm Bamm have turned their attention to Ford Firepower..."

Jimmy: "Plague Dog has just caught The Warden in the torture rack, and The
 Lightning Bolt drops an elbow on the prone Warden, who is quickly eliminated...
 Ford Firepower unleashes a devastating right hand to Angus Campbell's head; he
 falls flat on his face..."

Magilla: "Death and Destruction have done it: Sargent Sledge is out of the ring!
 Death and Destruction are celebrating!..."

Jimmy: "Ford Firepower and The PLague Dog pick up The Claymore, and he is out!
 Now, they attack his ally, Bamm Bamm Gigolow the traitor!"

Magilla: "Mr Mercury has John Girder in a hammerlock and Lightning Bolt catches
 Death offguard with a dropkick... Ford Firepower presses Bam Bam HIGH up in
 the air, and dumps him over the top rope, but Plague Dog double-crosses him
 with a knee to the back of the head, and he falls over the top as well!"

Jimmy: "Only six men still in there!"

Magilla: "Wait a minute! Here comes the Romulan Mauler down the aisle! <crowd
 pops>.. He is wearing a strange looking jersey..."

Jimmy: "It's a Montreal Mauler t-shirt! I've heard that the Romulan Moron would
 be joining this team, in the new Australian Rules Football e-mail league!"

Magilla: "Yes, and The PLague Dog is coaching The Black Plague, a rival team..."

Jimmy: "I suppose that the Moron wanted a piece of the Dog!"

Magilla: "Romulan Mauler taunting the Plague Dog... Dog rurns to shout insults
 at the Mauler, and Destruction picks him up for an airplane spin, and dumps
 him over the top!... Plague Dog and The Mauler going at it on the outside!..."

Jimmy: "Meanwhile, Mr Mercury and Lightning Bolt doubleplex Death, and send
 him flying into the third row of section D!"

Magilla: "The California Express are now facing an unholy alliance of Destruction
 and John Girder... Mr Mercury off the ropes, shoulder blocks Girder who does
 not budge!... Destruction levels Lightning Bolt with a chop, and a leg drop;
 Girder and Mercury trading blows.... Destruction picks up the bolt in a
 fireman's carry, swings him around; Bolt's legs hit Mercury square in the
 face, and Mercury falls over the top rope!... Destruction applies a back
 breaker on Bolt, and dumps him too!..."

Jimmy: "John Girder and Destruction are all alone in there!"

Magilla: "They lock up... Destruction gets Girder in a head lock, but Girder
 shoves him into the ropes... Back drop by Girder!... And a snapmare!...
 Girder goes to the second rope... Fist drop!... Destruction is barely able
 to get up... And Girder takes him back down with a DDT!... Girder picks up
 Destruction, slams his head into the buckle!... AND ELIMINATES HIM! JOHN
 GIRDER WINS THE BATTLE ROYAL!"

Jimmy: "Girder will therefore challenge Sledge Hammer later on tonight! Sledge
 has done nothing in this battle royal, so he will have a definite advantage!"

Magilla: "Gimme a break!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "This is a Full Cage match, with no time limit! Introducing first...
 Making his way to the ring, accompanied by The Magician, in his very first
 UFWS appearance... Warren Hammer!!!"

Magilla: "No doubt that after his partner's victory in the Battle Royal,
 Warren Hammer will be all fired up!"

Jimmy: "Yeah, and after his match with the Hellhound, Hammer will probably be
 set on fire by Schroeder! HAHAHHA!"

Magilla: "You-are-sick!... Hey, wait a minute! The Hellhound assaults Warren
 Hammer before he can make it to the ring!"

Jimmy: "And the Rottweilers, Tooth and Fang or whatever, are dinig on The
 Magician!"

Magilla: "Hellhound strangling Hammer with a rope! Quick! Get somebody in there
 before Hammer is killed!..."

Jimmy: "The Mage's Gallery will think twice before messing with the Hellhound
 again, that's for sure!"

Magilla: "The Magician flashes a bolt of energy, and the rottweilers fall
 down! Asleep, or dead?... Anyway, here come Metallicus and a bunch of other
 wrestlers; The Hellhound retreats to his dressing room in a hurry!... Warren
 Hammer looks in terrible shape!... Yes, the paramedics are called to the
 rescue... It looks like Hammer is going to be carried away in an ambulance!'

Paul: "Oh, good! Good!"

Magilla: "You are disgusting!... Well, this match is not going to take place..."

jimmy: "But I am sure that the Hellhound will go home satisfied with his
 day's work, Mongoose!"

Magilla: "The worst of it is that you are right!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "Our next contest is a War Games match!... During the match, the two
 managers will be alone, on a 20 foot high scaffold; the only way to get out
 is to fall in the ring with the wrestlers!... Introducing first... Led
 towards the ring by Jack Moran <crowd pops>... Running Eagle Feather, The
 Black Knight, the UFWS North American champion, Brewster Cogburn, and the
 Masked Avenger: The KO Corral!"

Jimmy: "The masked avenger? Who the hell is that?"

Magilla: "No idea... And don't you think that Jack Moran looks better,
 wearing this mask? I don't know why he does it, but it's cool..."

Jimmy: "Bizarre... Anyway, here are my favourites! The Four Corners!"

Coward: "Their opponents... Led to the ring by Smooth... BudMan, SandMan,
 DiMadMan, and Billy Thunder, The FOUR CORNERS! <BOOOOOOOOOOOO!>"

Magilla: "The managers are on their scaffold, and the first two men to
 enter the steel cage are DiMadMan and Brewster Cogburn... The bell rings, and
 Brewster immediately rams DiMadMan's head in the cage, and rubs it in the
 railing! Twenty seconds into the match, and DiMadMan is already busted wide
 open!... Cogburn nails DiMadMan with a haymaker, and gives him the Bulldog
 Supreme!... DiMadMan can't get up!.... Cogburn goes for the second rope...
 Drops the fist on DiMadMan's head.... SandMan enters the ring!"

Jimmy: "It looks like the Four Corners won the coin toss!"

Magilla: "SandMan locks up with Cogburn... And decks him with a knee to the gut!
 SandMan fetches something in his trunks! It's a roll of coins! BANG! Cogburn
 is nailed! And AGAIN! AND AGAIN! Cogburn is busted open too! Sandman lifts
 the limp Cogburn... Piledriver!... In comes The Black Knight; Sandman levels
 him with the roll of coins too!... Sandman going back to work on Cogburn, while
 DiMadMan catches hold of his spirit in a corner..."

Jimmy: "So far, The Corners have a finite advantage!"

Magilla: "SandMan picks up Cogburn; Power slam!... Here comes the Black Knight;
 powerslammed by SandMan too!... BUT HEY! What is happening up there, on the
 scaffold?"

Jimmy: "Jack Moran is throttling Smooth with Brewster Cogburn's hangman's noose!
 Smooth is screaming in pain!"

Magilla: "BudMan enters the ring, and tries to climb the scaffold; no way!...
 Black Knight is revived, and he damages DiMadMan with a BIG kick to the jaw...
 <crowd pops>... Black Knight seizes BudMan from behind; he whips him tot he
 ropes... The Lance! "

Jimmy: "The double fist to the face knocked BudMan into next week!"

Magilla: "In comes the Indian Pain himself, Running Eagle Feather!... SandMan
 is still working on Brewster Cogburn; DiMadMan suffers The Mace from the
 Knight, and Eagle Feather slaps a chicken wing on BudMan..."

Jimmy: "Smooth is turning blue! Somebody do something!"

Magilla: "Billy Thunder tries to climb to the scaffold; he is almost there...
 Yes, he is on the scaffold, and charges Moran! BUT MORAN BACKDROPS HIM!...
 BILLY THUNDER FALLS 20 FEET INTO THE RING!"

Jimmy: "OUCH! Stick a fork in Thunder, he is done! But how in hell did Moran
 do that? He must be at least 60 years old!"

Magilla: "The Masked Avenger enters the ring; everyone is in there... BudMan
 and DiMadMan have their hands full with Running Eagle Feather and The Black
 Knight, but Cogburn is in VEEEERY bad shape... Sa climbs to the top rope...
 Elbow drop!... And another one!... The Avenger runs over to protect his
 teammate, and catches Sandman offguard with a thumb to the throat... AND THE
 CLAW HOLD!"

Jimmy: "WHAT?????"

Magilla: "HEY! Jack Moran is running to ringside from the dressing room, and
 he is ALSO on the scaffold? WHAT IS GOING ON!"

Jimmy: "Smooth and Moran both fall off the platform; Smooth looks more dead than
 alive!"

Magilla: "Running Eagle Feather puts Billy Thunder in the Indian Pain Dance,
 but The Long Necks have Cogburn in the spiked piledriver... BAM!!! And the
 Moran who is outside the ring throws in the towel, to prevent frther damage
 to his champion!"

Jimmy: "Hordes of wrestlers rush to the ring to separate the clans... The
 Masked Avenger and the masked Moran are untying thir masks..."

Magilla: "The Avenger was Wilhelm Panzer! And the Moran was Baron Von Klaw!"

Jimmy: "HAHAHAHAHAH! So, the face turn was staged, just so that the Corners
 would not think that Von Klaw would be around!!! I love it!"

Magilla: "The Ko Corral, all six of them, are going back to the dressing room
 under security escort; Brewster Cogburn is still unconscious!"

Jimmy: "Yeah, but Billy Thunder is hurt too, and Smooth is even worse!"

Magilla: "So, the Four Corners win this very bloody match!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coward: This next contest is a tag-team attraction, scheduled for one fall!
 Coming down the aisle, accompanied by six police officers in gray coats, from
 the Soviet Union, at a total combined weigth of 420 pounds, here are Bear and
 Panther, THE SOVIETS! <BOOOOOS>... And their opponents! <Macho Man's music
 resounds>... At a total combined weigth of 456 pounds... And escorted to the
 ring by Missy Holliday... Prof. Wolfman, Prof. Spewmaster... THE ACADEMICS!"

Jimmy: "The Academics are carrying the flag of the Jobber Confederation; the
 Soviets, the flag of the Soviet Union. For both teams, this is their last
 UFWS appearance in a long, long time!"

Magilla: "The bell rings; it's Wolfman against Bear... Bear overpowers the
 Wolfman nd shoves him into the corner!... They lock up again.. And this time,
 Wolfman bites Bear's arm! Bear is screaming in agony!..."

Jimmy: "You won't see too much clean wrestling from the Academics, that's for
 sure!"

Paul: "The Zampolit's absence may hinder The Soviets' wrestling; they are not
 used to being alone!"

Magilla: "Panther tags in, and locks up with the Wolfman... Face rake by
 Panther, and a whip into the ropes... Dropkick!... Quick tag by Panther; both
 Soviets are now in the ring... DOuble Suplex!... Bear picks up Wolfman and
 locks him in the full-nelson... Panther goes to the top rope... Flying
 Axehandle to the Wolfman's head!"

Jimmy: "SpewMaster and Missy Holliday are getting nervous, Mongoose!"

Magilla: "Bear whips Wolfman into the ropes, but Wolfman makes the tag along
 the way! In comes the Spewmaster... Spew! Bear catches the green mist in the
 face! And Panther too! <crowd pops>... Both Soviets are outside the ring, and
 the referee counts them out... The men in gray toss them back inside!"

Jimmy:"Hey! No fair! These man in gray are helping the Academics! The Soviets
 had a right to take a breath!"

Magilla: "Prof. Spewmaster picks up Bear by the hair, but gets clobbered with
 axehandles to the stomach!... Bear is back on his feet; suplex by bear!..
 And a knee drop!... Bear makes the tag, and Panther goes to the top rope; Bear
 places Spewmaster on his knee for a Demolition elbow drop... BUT ONE OF THE
 MEN IN GRAY SHAKES THE ROPES, AND PANTHER CROTCHES HIMSELF ON THE TOP ROPE!"

Jimmy: "When will this stop??? Referee, do something!"

Magilla: "Bear is going after the man in gray, but the others encircle him
 and toss him back into the ring! Meanwhile, Prof. Spewmaster has made the tag
 to the Wolfman!"

Jimmy: "Wolfman picks up both Soviets, and bashes their heads together! And
 he covers Bear! One! Two! THREE!"

Coward: "Your winners: The Academics! <crowd pops>"

Magilla: "The men in gray remove their coats: it's the Jobbers! Sargent
 Glasnost, Tomahawk, Bobby Windsor, The Mummy, bidding a warm farewell to their
 allies, and waving the Jobber confederation flags!"

Jimmy: "This is disgusting! How dare they waste The Soviets' last match like
 this!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "This next contest in a Romulan Warbird match! <crowd pops>... All
 six men will be in the cage-enclosed ring at the same time; there will be
 brass knuckles hanging from the ceiling, and the first team whose members
 ALL escape from the cage wins the match!... Introducing first, the team
 managed by Silvah Hypocrisy <boooooooo>.... At a total combined weigth of
 620 pounds... Dr.Lethe, Captain Necropolis and Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta!!!...
 Their opponents <Also Sprach Zarathustra blasts off the speakers; standing
 ovation>... Beaming to the ring with their manager, Admiral Chekov... At a
 total combined weigth of 1129 pounds... The team of The Patriot and the
 UFWS World tag-team champions, The Romulan Mauler and The Black Widow!"

Magilla: "What a match this is going to be!"

Paul: "Yessss, especially because of the bloody feus between Silvah's teams
 and the Trekkies!"

Magilla: "The bell rings, and it is absolute mayhem from the very start! The
 Mauler is beating on Dr.Lethe with punches, while Captain Necropolis tries
 to weaken the Patriot's damaged legs with kicks to the knees... The Black
 Widow tries to climb the cage to reach the knuckles!... Jimmy Vendetta goes
 after him, and knocks his head on the cage! The Black Widow falls some eight
 feet to the floor!"

Paul: "In nomine Patre et filii..."

Magilla:" Oh, puh-lease, stop that!... Captain Necropolis jumps on the Mauler's
 back and applies a sleeper hold; the Mauler loses his grip on Dr.Lethe's
 head, and puts one knee to the ground, but The Patriot whacks Necropolis on
 the head with an axehandle! And he throws him into the c; Avalanche!"

Paul: "..et spiritus sanctus..."

Magilla: "The Patriot tries to climb out of the cage!... Dr Lethe and Jimmy V
 go right after him... The Patriot grabs a hold of Lethe and dumps him down
 into the ring, BUT LETHE MANAGES TO GRAB THE KNUCKLES ON THE WAY!!!!"

Paul: "what are the Patriot's measurements?"

Magilla: "Dr Lethe tosses the knuckles to Jimmy Vendetta, who decks the Patriot
 with them! The Patriot falls from the cage to the floor! 500 pounds falling
 10 feet through the air!"

Paul: "Maybe we can bury the ring, too!"

Magilla: "Jimmy Vendetta escapes from the cage, with the knules; they are
 now out of the match!"

Paul: "Houw unfortunate!"

Magilla: "Meanwhile, The Mauler is going to work on Captain Necropolis, and
 The Black Widow is protecting the Patriot from Lethe... Gutwrench suplex by
 the Mauler!... And a front suplex!... Black Widow is leveled by the Spinning
 Kick of Forgetfulness, and Dr.Lethe drops an elbow on the prone Patriot!...
 The Mauler clotheslines Dr.Lethe, and tries to revive the Patriot, who
 shakily gets back to his feet..."

Paul: "Damn!"

Magilla: "Necropolis climbs to the top rope, and leaps on the Mauler's back
 with the deathjump! Mauler is dazed... But the Black Widow has recovered, and
 whomps Lethe with a reversed crescent kick!... Necropolis goes for the exit!
 Only the Black Widow is strong enough to pursue him, and Lethe is holding on
 to his feet! Necropolis escapes!"

Paul: "This lets Lethe alone against the three Trekkies... Oh well, a small
 coffin is better than nothing!"

Magilla: "The Patriot is still not worth much, so I would say two Trekkies and
 a half-ton of useless jello... The Mauler and The Black Widow look like they
 are about to take out their frustration on Lethe.. Black Widow levels him
 with a vertical kick to the head... And The Mauler signals for the Plasma
 Torpedo! <crowd pops>.. He picks up Lethe... climbs to the top rope...
 Power Bomb! <crowd pops>... And the Mauler makes a 'be my guest' signal to the
 Black Widow, who escapes from the cage easily!.."

Paul: "The Mauler is the only valid person in that ring!"

Magilla: "Indeed! The Mauler trying to help the Patriot to his feet... It
 works! The Patriot starts to climb to the top of the cage... And so does
 the Mauler! The Trekkies wil win it!"

Paul: "But look! From the outside, Jimmy Vendetta is slipping a psychedelic
 Sugar Cube in Dr.Lethe's mouth! The Doctor is resurrected!"

Magilla: "What! Doping in the UFWS?"

Paul: "Everybody is trying to escape at once! The Mauler makes it... And the
 two others are on top of the cage at the same time!"

Magilla: "The first to land on the outside will win it for his team!"

Paul: "Jimmy Vendetta is climbing back to the top of the cage with the Brass
 Knuckles... HE HITS THE PATRIOT ON THE HEAD! THE PATRIOT FALLS BACK INTO THE
 RING!"

Magilla: "And Dr.Lethe touches the arena floor; Silvah's team has won!"

Paul: "Now, it's time for me to do business!"

(Paul Scarer runs to the ring, enters, and starts measuring the unconscious
 Patriot; the paramedics [at least six of them] carry The Patriot back
 to the dressing room)

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "Ladies and gentlemen, our semi-final for tonight will crown the very
 first UFWS North American tag-team champions! Introducing first... At a
 total combined weight of 442 pounds, the team of Tomahawk and Sargent
 Glasnost... Hammer and Sickle!!!

Their opponents... Led to the ring by the Magician... From the Dark Realm, at
 a total combined weigth of 480 pounds, the reigning EMWA World tag-team
 champions... The Wizard, the Hunter,.. THE NEW MYSTICS!"

Magilla: "History being made tonight at the Northlands Coliseum!"

Jimmy: "Yeah! We beat the Trekkies!"

Magilla: "I am talking about the new North American tag-team title, that will
 be awarded to one of these fine teams!"

Jimmy: "Yeah, that too!"

Magilla: "The Hunter will start things off against Sargetn Glasnost..."

Jimmy: "Two very similar teams: both very light, quick, and expert at technical
 wrestling; not much power on either side, but the match should be fast-paced!"

Magilla: "Indeed!... Glasnost puts the Hunter in an armlock, and turns it
 into a chicken wing... And a chicken-wing-suplex! WOW! I never get enough of
 that move!"

jimmy: " I bet the Hunter has had just about enough himself, though!"

Magilla: "He he he... Sargent Glasnost has the Hunter down in an amateur
 position... Hunter grabs the ropes, and the referee breaks the hold...
 Glasnost tags out, and so does the Hunter... Tomahaws tries to outmaneuver
 the Wizard, but can't... Tomahawk whips Wizard into the ropes; both men are
 crisscrossing the ring... Wizard drops to the ground... Tomahawk splashes him!
 He covers! One! Kickout!"

Jimmy: "Very quick move by Tomahawk, that caught The Wizard completely by
 surprise!"

Magilla; "Tomahawk takes the Wizard down with a hiptoss... And a flying head
 scissors!... Wizard bounces into Sargent Glasnost!... And Tomahawk pins
 him with the crucifix! One! Two! Kickout!... Tomahawk picks up Wizard, and
 whips him into the ropes... CROSS BODY BLOCK BY WIZARD! HE COVERS! ONE! TWO!
 Kickout!... And the Wizard tags out!"

Jimmy: "Three pin attempts in thirty seconds! WOW!"

Magilla: "The Hunter puts Tomahawk in a side headlock... Tomahawk turns around
 and transforms the lock into a backslide of his own! One! Two! Hunter lifts
 his shoulders, and bridges out of the backslide!...<crowd pops>.. Hunter
 makes the tag; Wizard leaps off the top rope with a flying headbutt!...
 Wizard picks up Tomahawk; standing dropkick, that sends Tomahawk flying
 through the ropes!"

Jimmy: "What a match!"

Magilla: "Wizard bounces off the far ropes... LEAPS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND
 SPLASHES TOMAHAWK!!! <crowd in awe>... Wizard tosses Tomahawk back into the
 ring, and makes the tag... Hunter puts Tomahawk on his shoulders..."

Jimmy: "It's over!"

Magilla: "Wizard climbs to the top rope... Dropkick!... Hunter falls on top
 of Tomahawk! One! Two! Three!"

Coward: "THE WINNERS, AND FIRST UFWS NORTH-AMERICAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS, THE
 NEW MYSTICS!!!"

Magilla: "In a rare display of sportsmanship, Hammer and Sickle adn The New
 Mystics shake hands; The Mystics proudly wield their two sets of belts!"

Jimmy: "As far as I know, it is the first time that a tag-team has held belts
 in two e-federations at the same time!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Coward: "This is tonight's main event, for the UFWS World's Heavyweigth
 title! Introducing first the challenger... From Detroit, Michigan, weighing
 in at 280 pounds, the former EMWA World Champion and the winner of the
 Battle Royal, John Girder <crowd pops>...

And his opponent, the longest-reigning World champion of all time, Sargent
 "Sledge" Hammer!"

Magilla: "The men shake , and the match begins!... Sledge powers Girder
 into the corner, and whips him into the ropes... Mule Kick! And double chops
 to the neck! Sledge positions Girder for a piledriver... No! Gourdbuster!..
 He covers! One! Two! Kickout!"

Jimmy: "Sledge wanted to test Girder's resistance right away!"

Magilla: "Sledge picks up Girder by the hair and bashes his head in the corner,
 and Girder does the same! Adn again Sledge! And again Girder!... Girder
 bounces off the ropes... Shoulder block; Sledge is shaken... Girder pulls
 Sledge up... HIGH vertical suplex! And a face slam on the mat!"

Jimmy: "two reasonable clean fighters wha are using dirty tactics tonight!"

Magilla: "Sledge gets back up on his feet and levels GIrder with a round kick...
 Sledge on the second rope... Flying Dragon Death Kick; he must have learned
 that move from Bobby Windsor!"

Jimmy: "Friends are sometimes useful!"

Magilla: "And a shoulder throw! That's the Sarge's finisher! He covers! One!
 Two! Kickout!"

Jimmy: "The first time ever that somebody has kicked out of that!"

Magilla: "Sledge bounces off the ropes... Girder ducks a clothesline and
 locks him up in the abdominal stretch!... The referee asks Sledge if he
 wants to give up; no way!... Girder releases the hold, and applies a
 belly-to-back suplex!... He covers: One! Two! Kickout!... Girder picks him
 up... Sledge nails him with a punch to the gut...<crowd pops>... Sledge
 Irish whips into the buckle, and pins him with the Small Package! One! Two!
 Three!"

Coward: "The winner, and STILL the UFWS Champion, Sledge Hammer!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magilla: "This rounds up our SuperCard coverage; there are a lot of stories
 thatwill be worth following in the upcoming weeks: will the American
 Guerilla split up? Where will the Plague Dog vs Romulan Mauler multi-sport
 feud lead?"

Jimmy: "And when will I get the title shot that I so rightly deserve?"

Magilla: "Yeah, right... Anyway, don't forget our next report this Thursday;
 for Jimmy Vendetta, Paul Scarer and the rest of the crew, this is Magilla
 Mongoose, saying: see you at the matches!"

References

Diplomacy 'zine -- EP #229 Chapter Three
mad-2@kub.nl (C. Wekx)
Mon, 26 Aug 1991 16:41:14 +0000