SPARF Press Releases (week #1) From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) Date: Tue, 20 Aug 1991 03:21:29 +0000 -------------------- Press from New York Avengers -------------------- The New York Avengers are looking forward to their first game against the only other team in their state, the Cifers. The team owner, only known as Frank, has expressed concern on several occasions about the two teams being in such close proximity, according to the manager, Jeff Bailey. In a recent interview on ILL-PASS Sports, head coach Steve Rogers commented, "It's pretty unusual, two teams being so geographically close. But heck, at least we didn't name our team the Something-Maulers." Coach Rogers was of course referring to the unusual coincidence that both Montreal and Barstow, California chose team names ending with Maulers. Rogers later commented, [the similarity of names] makes scheduling and scouting just that much more difficult." Coach Rogers also dismissed complaints that he neglected to start his sentence with quotation marks, citing the substitution of his word "It". ------------------- Pres from the Borg ------------------- Training camp is going well. The new implants seem to work much more efficiently than last year's models. ------------------- Pres from Cambrindge Tigers ------------------- e have a variety of players from superstar status to joe-blow. The have decided to concentrate on defense as this team's motto is "Win with Defense" ------------------- Pres from Gfhter's Giants ------------------- Gfhter's Giants are really training hard out here today. They seem to be a little on the slow side though. As you watch the team practice for their first game of the season, you see a few players stand out above the crowd: Righty, Dragon, Percival, Arthur, Merlin, Lancelot, and Gwenyvere are the most promenent as they make up the main part of the group of The Round Table of killers. We'll just have to wait and see their first game to see if they are cut out to be in this league. As we were leaving the field one of the players shouted: "Montreal Maulers suck. We're the best Canadian team in the league. We want to meet the 'Maulers' in ** THE MATCH ** to show them." And that is the end of our interview. ------------------- Pres from China Khans ------------------- Flash! Enormous Genitals caught in love nest with Margaret Thatcher! More to come! ------------------- Pres from Pinyin Mandarins ------------------- A hectic start to the preseason training, with the Pinyin Mandarins installing a new venomous approach. Manager Sargent apologises due to difficulty of some names ------------------- Pres from The Mythstics ------------------- In a haze of pen and ink, the mighty Mythstics take to the practice fields in an effort to ready themselves for another exciting season of football. Watch as mighty giants such as Death and War rub shoulders with notable rookies like Calvin and Hobbes (and hope the ink doesn't smear). It should prove to be a most interesting season. ------------------- Pres from the Novas ------------------- The Novas manager wonders whether the tax haven provided by a poorly managed team is fitting compensation for the deterioration in mental and physical health caused by the angst of decision making. ------------------- Pres from Pacifica ------------------- As the nights get longer and colder the familiar sounds of training start to flow out of the Metro Sports Stadium. This year will be THE Year. As season tickets sell and the buzz of excitement grows. This year will BE the year. As the floodlights come on for late evening training and every breath becomes a miniture fog. THIS year will be the year. As the pie vendors put orders in for every Saturday right up to the final. This YEAR will be the YEAR. ------------------ Pres from The Black Plague ------------------ Hard at the work, the Black Plague spends its days practicing illegal moves. The knee in the groin drill is very popular except when it is you turn to defend. The stated goal of Plague training is "to leave a third of Europe dead in our wake", stated head coach Jim Barryman. ------------------ Pres from The California Sluggers ------------------ Our fans want to see blood on the field. We aim to please. ------------------ Pres from The Viking Raiders ------------------ OSLO, Norway--Pre-season training has gotten underway for the Viking Raiders this week, as evidenced by the half-dozen raids they made on small coastal villages. Authorities have been trying to apprehend them, but each time they are sighted the Viking Raiders slip off into the fog in their longboat. It is expected they will be caught at their opening game, when they play Wallamaloo Philosophy, but not until after the game is played so they will have money to pay their fines. ------------------ Pres from The Wallamaloo Philosphy Department ------------------ The Wallamaloo Philosophy Department welcomes all non-poofters to the league, and wishes to let it be known that there will be no not drinking at University Grounds. When asked about his team, Manager Buffum replied, "Well, it's not easy having 45 players named Bruce, but then, I once managed a soccer club consisting entirely of fellows named Gumby, so I am used to it." Coach Bruce Logic lauds the overall talent on the squad, although he expressed reservations that they would mesh as a team. "Oy mean, wouldncha know, Bruce, that getting Russell and St. Augustine ta play togethah was hard enough, but that poofter Plato and that kraut Wittgenstein had nothing to say at all to each othah! Plus, Bruce Zeno is havin' troubles, seein' as though he doesn't believe that it is possible for the ball to actually be in motion." Coach Bruce Ethics echoed his fellow coach's sentiments. "Roit now, oy think our greatest strength is that we have a strict no not scoring policy, and folks like Bruce Stuart Mill and Bruce-Paul Sartre are fitting roit in, although that froggie seems a bit depressing, if you ask me." Player Bruce Marx commented, "Football is the opiate of several people in Melbourne, but I prefer not to think about religion," adding that he meant religion with a small 'r', and not his coach, Bruce Religion. Up