UFWS REPORT #14 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Sun, 18 Aug 1991 20:35:53 +0000 UFWS Report #14 ---- ------ --- Magilla: "Hello again everyone and welcome to the UFWS Report, the last one before the big August Armageddon supercard!" Jimmy: "And I can guarantee you that, MOnday August 26th, while some other federation presents a boring Pay-Per-View featuring washed-up has-beens and no-talent bums, the UFWS is going to shine again! WHOOOOOH!" Magilla: "HUm, well... Maybe you shouldn't say that, Jimmy; after all, there will be an interesting wedding at Summer Slam..." Jimmy: "Yeah, right! Now, for some *Wrestling* action, stay tuneto the UFWS. Right now, my good pal Smooth is standing by with..." ********************* SMOOTH'S GROOVE ********************** Smooth: 'Hello all you ignorant slobs and welcome back to Smooth's Groove. Well no one else had the guts to step onto the Groove this week, but that's ok because I'd rather talk to these two men anyway. Neither man needs an introduction so here they are Billy Thunder and DiMadman!' (DiMadman and Thunder walk out to the resounding boos of the fans.) Smooth: 'Shut up you bumbling idiots! These two men are wrestling's future. The wrestlers of the '90s if you will. I know all about these two, but it is obvious that the punks of the UFWS need a little more information or perhaps a refresher course. Fellas? DiMadman: 'You know Smooth it's like clockwork baby. We hit a federation and everybody, I mean EVERYBODY runs scared . Until we hunt them down like the dogs they are... And speaking of dogs I'm gonna hunt one down later today! As for the people out there who are skeptical of my abilities due to the time limit draw againsta living legend, Don't Be! I am just glad that a guy who has faced every top challenger to enter wrestling in the past 15 years could give some good practice for my REAL matches. As you know, I've been out of the American style of wrestling for nearly two months now and I needed a little time to readjust. Twenty minutes was just about long enough. Now if anyone else out there thinks they can survive the DiMadman, stop dreamin'! Cause when I slap the Straight Jacket on ya be prepared to leave the ring in a wheelchair! You enter the ring with the DiMadman and you're gonna get a lesson in mental healthg first hand Baby!' Thunder: 'That's right DiMadman. And now the Kiddie Korral thinks they want The Four Corners in a WarGames match! Rugburn you just better pack up your Tanto wannabe and head for the hills brother. The darkclouds are rolling and there's gonna be a nasty storm at the Supercard and no number of spirits or little toys are gonna save you from the Thunder that rocks that arena. As for Sagent 'ammah, You'd best find a REAL good reason to not show up for that title match , cause once the bell rings it's gonna be your turn to find out 'ow it feels to be THUNDERSTRUCK! Wooooooooooo!' Smooth: Couldn't have said it better baby. The Thunderstorm! The Straight Jacket! You won't find two more devastating or dazzling moves in all of wrestledom! And with them and the Longnecks the Four Corners will dominate not only the solo ranks but the tag team ranks as well. Until next week, when I am joined by former tag-team champions, Club Anarchy, this is Smooth saying so long suckers!' ----------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "The SuperCard is just eight days away, and one of the main events will certainly be that War Games match between the Ko Corral and the Four Corners." Jimmy: "I am not so sure about that!" Magilla: "WHy?" Jimmy: "Jack Moran has shown disquieting signs of... fairness, lately. My good friend, Baron Von Klaw, is challenging Bobby Windsor for the All-Jobber belt this week, and Moran told him to GO EASY on Windsor! You hear that? Von Klaw should PROTECT the wimpiest champion ever in the UFWS!" Magilla: "Would Jack Moran be contemplating a face turn?" Jimmy: "Gawd, say it ain't so!" Magilla: "Maybe we will know about that later; for now, we have a few interview segments to present." ----------------- RAMBLIN WITH DEMANDABLE -------------------- (Mark deMandable wearing his trademark Italian Suit, is sitting in his easy chair as "Ramblin' On" by Led Zepplin plays throughout the arena.) DeMandable: 'Hello all you minimum wage earning, lobotimized rats and welcome to the very first edition of Ramblin' with DeMandable here in the UFWS. Boy do I have a show for you tonight. Today's guests are none other than the next World Tag-team champions The Longnecks!' (The fans boo, but only Smooth walks out onto the set.) DeMandable: 'Smooth where are Sandman and BudMan?' Smooth: 'We have a minor problem DeMandable. The idiot driver forgot to fill the limo with gas.' DeMandable: 'NO!' Smooth: 'I knew I never should have hired the guy as soon as I heard his name was Horowitz! But not to worry DeMandable. I used the camera creww you sent with them today to set up a live satellite connection, and you should have just enough time to talk to them before the other limo gets there.' DeMandable: 'That's great! Smooth would you please do the honors?' (Smooth turns on a big screen TV and the screen flickers in to show Budman and Sandman standing in front of the limo. It is surprisingly bright outside.) DeMandable: 'Geez Smooth can you get them to turn the lights down? Oh well, Can you hear me Sandman and Budman?' Sandman: 'Loud and Clear buddy.' DeMandable: 'Alright Smooth it works!' Sandman: 'Ya know DeMandable we are sorry we couldn't be there in person but...' Horowitz: (getting out of limo and interrupting Sandman) 'Hey guys! When is the other limo gonna get here? I'm hungery and it's almost time for la....' Horowitz is interrupted as Budman clotheslines him and then rams his head into the car door. Sandman jumps up to the hood and gives Budman a sign. Budman sets Horowitz up for the piledriver and Sandman spikes him onto the pavement. The two then continue to kick the bloody and unconcious Horowitz until they get bored and then return to the camera. Sandman: 'DeMandable you see what happens to idiots who cross the Four Corners! Horowitz found out the hard way, and so will the rest of the UFWS!' DeMandable: (laughing) Boy Horowitz is gonna have to find ANOTHER new job. Hey Smooth you better have an amblunace go pick up the pieces!' Smooth: 'Nah let him suffer!' DeMandable: 'Longnecks this week you have a shot at he World Champions the Ultimate...' Sandman: (interrupting midsentence) 'If this loser Horowitz costs us our shot at the tagteam belts he may just never wake up! The Trekkies couldn't shake the Corners in the WeWF and no number of toys and special effects are gonna save them this time either. As for the Shadow Boxershorts, Budman why don't you take this one?' Budman: 'Grr Ugh Gr. Ughhh!' Sandman: 'Of course that's translated "Nothing beats a Bud!" and a longneck Bud at that!' DeMandable: 'What about this supercard challenge from the K.O.Korral?' (REAL long pause) Sandman: 'Well DeMandable as you know the Four Corners have NEVER lost in a Supercard match and we aren't about to start with 4 men managed by a guy named Jack Moron!' (At this time a limo pulls up and Smooth hops out. The camera then flashes to a close up of Budman, follows the ground up to Horowitz's body, and then appears to slam repeatedly into his head before blacking out) DeMandable: 'Sandman? Budman? Oh well it looks like we lost our connection. Hey but how about that Horowitz? He'd make a killing as a punching bag! Until next week when I hope to have 23one here in the studio with me. This is Mark DeMandable in Full Demand saying so long Sweathogs! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MAgilla: "Do you think that it was really the Born Loser, Lanny Horowitz driving that Limo, Jimmy?" Jimmy: "I didn't get a clear look at the guy, but he DID finish the segment very much like the Born Loser used to finish his matches: lying in a pool of his own blood!" Magilla: "The Long Necks are sick! I hope that they don't make it here on time for their tag-team title shot; they don't deserve one anyway." Jimmy: "Sure, they do! They are members of the Four Corners; they deserve EVERYTHING!" Magilla: "Especially a good boot in the pants!.." (a FedEx messenger walks in and gives Jimmy a large envelope; Jimmy opens it and takes out a video cassette) Magilla: "What is that? A gift?... Nah, who would want to give you something... Except maybe a lethal disease!" Jimmy: "Have I got a treat for you, Magilla! My good friend, Baron Von Klaw, sent me this video tape for today's report!" Magilla: "Oh, no! Well, maybe it's short... any idea what it's about?" Jimmy: "Of course not, Dumbo, I got it 26 seconds ago. But I bet it's news about that War Games match between the KO Corral and the Four Corners! Let's roll it and see." (Scene: Baron Von Klaw's war room. On the back wall are pictures of Von Klaw's many enemies - the Jobber Conference, the Mage's Gallery, the Four Corners, Sargent Sledge Hammer, etc. All of these photos have been defaced in some way. There are also photos of Von Klaw's only allies, the other members of the KO Corral - these are not defaced. Von Klaw is pacing back and forth, clutching some papers; Wilhelm Panzer stands at attention near the door. Von Klaw stops pacing and stares at the camera.) Klaw: "Herr Moran, ze Baron zigned on mit ze KO Corral becauze you promized me geld und title zhots. 'Deztroy my enemiez', you zaid, 'und I vill givenz to you all you dezire!' Vell, Moran, I haf put Vury out uv wreztling, und beaten Girder, ze vormer EMWA champion. Zhere iz no more threat vrom ze Mage's Gallery. Later today, I vill deztroy ze all-jobber conferenz, by beating ze vorthlezz Glaznozt und taking ze all-jobber belt vrom ze idiot, Bobby Vindzor! Und vhat iz my payment vor zese veats?" (Von Klaw shakes the papers he is holding at the camera.) Klaw: "You haf denied to ze Baron ze chanz to vin ze North Amerikan title! Zimply becauze Cogburn holdz it, und you know zat Baron Von Klaw vould deztroy Cogburn az he haz deztroyed all otherz who ztand in hiz vay! Und zen you azk zat I 'go eazy' on ze schveinhund, Bobby Vindzor! If ziz iz vhat it meanz to be a member uv ze KO Corral, zen I zpit on you und your Corral!" (Von Klaw spits on the the contract he holds, then tears it up!) Klaw: "Ze Baron haz reztrained himzelf long enough! Virzt, Moran, I vill deztroy ze vool, Bobby Vindzor, whom you zeem to like zo much. Zen, I vill vatch az ze Cornerz dominate your team in ze Var Gamez match. Und zen, Moran, vhen your empire, ze empire only Von Klaw could givenz to you, haz crumbled, I vill deztroy YOU! Remember, ve haf vayz uv making you BLEED! Field Marzhall Panzer, update ze var map!" (Wilhelm Panzer goose steps to the back wall and moves the pictures of the KO Corral to the "enemies" section. A giggling Baron Von Klaw rips up some of the pictures, and scribbles on others. Von Klaw gets to the picture of Wilhelm Panzer and stops, looking up (waaayyy up) at Panzer.) Panzer: "I follow your orders, my Baron, first, last, and always." (Klaw cackles maniacally, and continues to rearrange the pictures, creating a "neutrals" section in which are located the Four Corners, the Shadow Assassins, the Hellhound, and Jimmy "the Body" Vendetta. Wilhelm Panzer's picture is the only one in the "allies" section. Just about everyone else is in the "enemies" section. Fade out...) Magilla: "Wow! Jack Moran and his KO Corral are going to be one man short for the War Games!" Jimmy: " I told you that Moran was becoming too soft! A man of principle like the Baron could not associate with wimps like that!" Magilla: "I don't know if the split-up with the Baron will be enough for the Corral to be cheered by the fans, but getting rid of a few Nazis never hurts.. We have a few match results to communicate at this time; Sunn Mooner reports." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "This week marked the singles debut of Angus "The Claymore" Campbell, who faced his longtime enemy, the Hellhound, Rick Schroeder. The Hellhound got the pin in 3:55. In a tag-team title match, The Ultimate Trekkies defeated Bamm Bamm Gigolow and Randy Hurricane of the American Guerilla in 12:14. There seemed to be some tension between the Guerilleros; Bamm Bamm and his manager, Dick Tator, were not pleased at all about Hurricane's submitting to a sleeper hold by the Black Widow, and a pretty heated argument started. DiMadMan made Plague Dog submit to the Straight Jacket figure-four after 5:11. And finally, in the North American tag-team title tournament semi-finals, The New Mystics beat Cowboys and Indians, and Hammer and Sickle bested the American Guerilla." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "So it will be Hammer and Sickle vs The New Mystics for the belts, at August Armageddon!.. But what I want to talk about is those rumours of dissention among the ranks of the American Guerilla; you should have some pretty accurate info..." Jimmy: "THERE IS NO DISSENTION! We are winners, and we do not accept defeat easily, but that's it! We have been working together as a unit for years, and it will stay that way! Period!" Magilla: "If you say so... We still have received no word regarding The Long Necks' whereabouts, so we don't know if there will be a title match after all, but I am told that Lightning Bolt is standing by with comments." (roll tape) Paul Scarer: Wellcome... welcome to my parlor. My guest at this time... Is the Lightning Bolt!!!! (Lightning Bolt walk out to sound of Lightning and Thunder Crashes.) LB: Paul, I'm not here to talk with you about that loser Brewster Cogburn he's yesterday's news I'll get to him later. Right now I'd like to tell you a little story. When I was firsr in wrestling school there was a hero I looked up to. I said hmm... maybe someday I could be on a tag-team with him. So, without further ado (sp?) I'd like to introduce my new tag-team partner...MR. MERCURY!!!! (Mr. Mercury walk out to a great ovation from the crowd.) BOTH: Together we are... the California Express! Mr. Mercury: All you tag-team like dudes beware! LB: Right here, right now, we'd like to make a challenge... to the American Guerilla. We'll work out details later. Mr. Mercury: (To LB) Dude, like do you realize the two most powerful team in the UFWS have entered in the last two weeks? LB: Yes and now we can stop four men at a time dude! Four Corners! KO Corral, and anyone else. The California Express is here to stay. (end tape) Magilla: "I guess this means that Mr.Mercury, Lightning Bolt and Youth and Asia will form yet another supergroup in the UFWS." Jimmy: "Yeah, well for now they are simply a group; the 'super' will have to be earned. And since Lightning Bolt is in the California Express, it's hopeless." Magilla: "Let's take you now to the event center for more match results." Sunn: "The All-Jobber champion, Bobby Windsor, defeated a newcomer who goes by the name of The Warden in 2:55. It was, of course, a non-title match. Billy Thunder, two-time former champion of the world, defeated Metallicus in 5:01. Sargent Glasnost upset Baron Von Klaw in 4:15; the Baron had to submit to the Japanese Armlock when Jack Moran threw in the towel. The Soviets, Bear and Panther, beat the Academics in 8:19. And the Aztec Mummy showed that he was still as sharp as ever, by pinning Tomahawk in just 1:12. Finally, in a match for the All-Jobber belt, Bobby Windsor faced Baron Von Klaw. We have footage from this match..." (roll tape) Vince: "... Von Klaw climbs to the top rope... Elbow drop!... He picks up the limp Windsor and slaps on the Klaw!... The referee stops the match! Von Klaw is the new champion!" Patriot: "Yeah, but the Baron is not letting go! He applies the Klaw hold with even more pressure... There! Blood starts streaming down Windsor's face!..." Vince: "Wait a minute! Here comes Brewster Cogburn! He picks up the Baron and slaps him across the face! And he gives him a Bulldog Supreme!" Patriot: "The rest of the KO Corral is making its way to the ring! Running Eagle Feather and The Black Knight demolish Von Klaw's stormtroopers, while Cogburn smashes Wilhelm Panzer's head into the ringpost repeatedly!... The paramedics carry Windsor out on a stretcher, escorted by the KO Corral, to big cheers from the crowd!..." (end tape) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Magilla: "I guess that the KO Corral' sface turn is official now!" Jimmy: "This is disgusting! Baron Von Klaw was assaulted by the men he helped to become the best! Cogburn was going nowhere before Von Klaw joined the Corral; he has now been the North American champion for several weeks! He should be ashamed of what he did to the Baron!" Magilla: "That's a point of view... What I would like to know is WHO will team up with the KO Corral in the War Games match?" Jimmy: "No man in his right mind would sign up for a War Games match against the KO Corral, so I would guess that it will probably be Chekov." Magilla: "Gimme a break! Admiral Chekov is a manager, and a good one at that; the Trekkies are the tag-team champions of the world!" Jimmy: "FOr another five minutes, until they face the Long Necks!" Magilla: "Dream on... The Patriot received the Trekkies in his Launching Pad earlier today; here is what they had to say." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- *** THE LAUNCHING PAD *** Patriot: "My guests this week are going to be my partners at the next SuperCard. Together, we will fight Jimmy Vendetta and Club Anarchy in a Romulan WarBird match; they are the UFWS World tag-team champions, The Ultimate Trekkies, with Admiral Chekov. <crowd pops> Admiral, a few words?" Admiral: "Thank you, Patriot; it is always a pleasure to be on the Launching Pad, and it will be even more exciting to manage you this coming Monday night! My message today is simple: Jimmy Vendetta, Club Anarchy, you know that my men are better wrestlers than you; that is why WE wear the gold. You also know that we are more dangerous than you; we proved it by blowing up the Club Anarchy slam-dance bar. What the h**l are you doing in the ring with us?" Mauler: "They are giving us the pleasure of teaching them the lesson they so sorely need and deserve! Anarchy, Vendetta, you made the mistake of your lives when you signed for the WarBird match. I am a Romulan; I am in my element. The only thing that YOU have in common with the Warbird match is a sincere lack of sanity." Black Widow: "A Steel cage. With brass knuckles hanging down from the ceiling. And the only way to win is to be the first team out of the cage. Anarchy, Vendetta, take my advice: don't show up. If there is a match, we will not only be the first team to get out of the cage. We will be the only ones to get out at all." (The Trekkies and the Patriot pose for the cheering crowd, while Chekov shows off the tag-team belts. Fade out) Magilla: "Woooooh! The Trekkies mean business! I got chills going down my spine!" Jimmy: "Talk is cheap, Mongoose. The Tressies can do as much of it as they like; my team will still come out on top!" Magilla: "We have the final results for this week; Sunn, take it away." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sunn: "Earlier this week, The Shadow Assassins pinned the Long Necks in one of the most brutal matches ever. Against Ford Firepower, John Girder was... well, I guess teh only words strong enough are "eaten alive". Literally. Firepower spent most of his time biting his opponent. He finally pinned Girder in 3:13. Brewster Cogburn defeated Lightning Bolt in 5:10 to remain the North American champion. And Billy Thunder failed to recapture the World belt when he fell to Sledge Hammer in 10:01. The match between the Long Necks and The Ultimate Trekkies for the belts ended moments ago; let's see some highlights." (roll tape) Magilla; "The Long Necks have been announced, 'Beer drinkers and hell raisers' by ZZ Top is blaring off the speakers, and the referee starts counting to ten despite Smooth's delaying action. It looks like The Necks will miss their title shot after all." Jimmy: "Look out! SandMan and BudMan are running down the aisle in street clothes, and enter the ring! The match gets under way!" (.....) Magilla: "... The Long Necks are double-teaming the Black Widow in their corner, and the referee is arguing with The Romulan Mauler and pushing him back into his corner... SandMan whips the Black Widow into the ropes, and Smooth decks him with a cane blow to the head!" Jimmy: "HAHAHAHAH! Smooth has done it!" Magilla: "This is despicable! Sandman covers, and the referee turns around to count! One! Two! Thr... NO! The Romulan Mauler picked up the referee just before he could slam his hand for the third time, and the hand missed the mat!" Jimmy: "This is illegal! The Trekkeis should be stripped of the belts for that!" Magilla: "Not much more illegal than canes to the head, I am sure... And since the referee's hand must touch the mat three times, the Long Necks are not the champions yet..." Jimmy: "It won't be long, though, because they have given the signal for the spiked piledriver!" Magilla: "SandMan and BudMan are in position.. BANG! The Black Widow's head hits the mat hard! BudMan covers!... One! Two! Thr... NO! Kickout by the Black Widow!" Jimmy: "I can't believe it! This guy must be the Devil!" Magilla: "SandMan has had enough; he tags in, climbs to the top rope.... Leg Drop... ESQUIVED BY THE BLACK WIDOW, WHO MAKES THE TAG! HERE COMES THE MAULER!" Jimmy: "Smooth is furious!" Magilla: "The Maule picks up SandMan, tosses him out of the ring, and levels BudMan with a right hand... The Mauler on the ringside area, lifts SandMan by the mask... LegSmasher suplex!" Jimmy: "The ringside barriers have bended by four inches!" Magilla: "And another LegSmasher, this time on BudMan! Mauler rolls abck into the ring, and the referee counts... Six! Seven!" Jimmy: "Come on, Smooth, wake'em up!" Magilla: "The Long Necks can't stand on their feet!.. Nine! Ten! The Trekkies win the match!" (end tape) Sunn: "So, the Trekkies keep the belts, and for the first time in recorded history, members of the Four Corners had to be carried out on stretchers! Here ar ethis week's rankings: World champion: Sledge Hammer 17-2 49.91 North Am champ: Brewster Cogburn 8-4 37.39 All-Jobber champ: Baron Von Klaw 9-5 27.04 1. Billy Thunder 9-4 41.55 iMadMan 1-0-1 37.5 3. Sargent Galsnost 6-5 28.44 4. Bobby Windsor 11-9 27.10 5. Aztec Mummy 6-6 26.6 6. Hellhound 1-1 26 7. Ford Firepower 3-3 23.05 8. Lightning Bolt 2-5 21.72 9. Plague Dog 4-8 21.10 10. Metallicus 0-2 16 11. John Girder 0-4 11.50 12. Tomahawk 1-3 8.25 13. The Warden 0-1 7 14. Angus "The Claymore" Campbell 0-1 7 Tag-team champs: The Ultimate Trekkies 5-0 71.63 1. The Soviets 5-5 62.84 2. Shadow Assassins 6-4 57.33 3. New Mystics 3-3 54.69 4. Long Necks 2-2 52.75 5. Hammer and Sickle 2-2 44.75 6. Academics 2-2 35 7. Cowboys and Indians 1-2 26 8. American Guerilla 1-3 24 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "We will not announce any title shots right now, because the title situation may change at the SuperCard." Jimmy: "There is still a lot of room in the Battle Royal to determine a challenger for Sledge Hammer, and you can always schedule your own macthes, but the deadline is this Friday at noon, EDT!" Magilla: "So, get involved in the SuperCard, there will be special interviews as well, maybe even a Smooth's Groove segment, who knows? Jimmy: "Be there Monday night. Forget about Summer Spam. Get the real thing." Magilla; "Until then, this is Magilla Mongoose for the Patriot, Smooth, Mark DeMandable, Paul Scarer, Vince McMuffin, Sun Monner and Jimmy Vendetta, saying: see you at the matches!" Up