UFWS REPORT #13 From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee) Date: Wed, 07 Aug 1991 01:51:29 +0000 UFWS REPORT #13 ---- ------ --- Magilla: "Welcome to another edition of the UFWS Report! Jimmy Vendetta is not with me right now, because he is getting ready for his North American title matche against Brewster Cogburn... Actually, good riddance! Vince McMuffin, welcome back to the UFWS Report!" Vince: "Thanks, Magilla... The second SuperCard is approaching quickly, and I understand that some matches have been signed and more are being negociated! We will have a complete update later on tonight." Magilla: "We will also present a feature match between John Girder of the Mage's Gallery and the insane Baron Von Klaw, but for now, let's hear a few comments from the Baron concerning his old rival, Sargent Glasnost, who has recently challenged him once again." ****************************************************************************** "Heh - zat vool? - HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Glaznozt, if you vant a match mit ze Baron, I vill gladly beat on you! I have not zquazhed you in zeveral veeks, und I zuppoze you vill have to do az an opponent, until ze championzhip committee comez to itz zenzez und awardz me a match mit ze all-jobber champ. I vill cruzh you und your "jobber conference", Glaznozt! Zhere iz no ezcape from ze KLAW!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" ****************************************************************************** Vince: "This Baron gives me the creeps. I guess that, compared to him, even Vince McMahon would seem like a normal, likeable person!" Magilla: "Maybe not quite, but you are getting close to the point... Our friend Sunn Mooner has the first match results for this week; let's go to the Event center." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Thank you gentlemen. Last week, the first UFWS champion ever, Sargent Sledge Hammer, made a stunning return to active e-wrestling by pinning The Hellhound, Rick Schroeder; well, this week, he did even better, because he beat Billy Thunder in 6:30 to win the World Title for the second time! Brewster Cogburn defended the North American Title with success, when he pinned Jimmy Vendetta in 6:12. This match was unusually clean for these two, even though they ended up clobbering each other with chairs! Bobby "The Cavalier" Windsor defeated the Aztec Mummy for the third week in a row, and he is still the All-Jobber champion. Windsor pinned the Mummy with a small package after 6 minutes and 16 seconds. After the match was over, Baron Von Klaw (who had been hiding under the ring) came out and beat up both men with a SS helmet, screaming: "Ze belt is mine! MINE! MINE!" The Ultimate Trekkies faced a tough challenge from The New Mystics, but they managed to hold on to the belts; the Trekkies won by countout after 12:45, when the Hunter was unable to climb back into the ring after suffering a LegSmasher by the Romulan Mauler. And in a match counting towards the North American title tournament, Hammer and Sickle upset the Androgynes in just 5:16. This means that in the semi- finals, The New Mystics will face Cowboys and Indians and The American Guerilla (which two of the three?) will face Hammer and Sickle! Back to you, Vince!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "The Mystics vs Cowboys and Indians! That is going to be a BLOODY match!" Vince: "I don't even think that the winners will be able to make it to the finals at the SuperCard!" Magilla: "I don't know about that... But while we are on the subject of tag- teams, The Patriot is receiving one in his Launching Pad show today: Sword and Shield!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- *** THE LAUNCHING PAD *** Patriot: "My guests at this time are Jake "Canadian" Shield and Angus "The Claymore" Campbell, collectively known as Sword and Shield! <Crowd pops> Gentlemen, a few comments on the North American title tournament: do you think that The American Guerilla, who defeated you earlier, will have an easy time against the jobbers, Hammer and Sickle?" Jake: Jobbers? Sorry, but nobody who's held the World Tag Team belts is a jobber. And I still remember the amateur match I had with Sargent Glasnost at the Goodwill Games; nobody that can match me move for move is a jobber either. Angus: Aye, Hammer and Sickle are a legitimate tag team threat, an' we'd look for'ard tae a match wi' them. It'd be nice tae meet a team in an honest wrestlin' match, wi'out havin' tae worry about managers an' cheap shots. But dinnae think tha' this means Jake an' I would give anythin' less than oor best effort; we'll be fightin' as if it were for th' tag belts themselves! An' we'll find oot whether the Hammer and Sickle can stand up tae th' Sword... Jake: ...and Shield! Patriot: "Jake, Angus, there are rumours that your association would be coming to an end soon. Is there any truth to these allegations?" Jake: "As a matter of fact... yes. I will be leaving the UFWS soon, to start training my younger brother for the ring. WHen he is ready, we will move on to the EMWA." Angus: "An' a'll sty her' in th'UFWS, to do battle with Ricky Dicky Schroeder and sen' him back into retirement!" Patriot: "I am sure that the fans will miss Sword and Shield... Gentlemen, thank you for many months of fabulous tag-team wrestling, and good luck in your future enterprises. Back to you, Magilla!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Magilla: "And with us now is Jimmy Vendetta; how does it feel, Jimmy, to lose a title match?" Jimmy: "Oh, you should ask me about that, fat slob! THe closest you ever came to being in a title match is when you were invited to act as special guest referee when they crowned the first Midget Tag-team champions! And as far as I am concerned, I give the champ a hell of a fight, and it could have gone wither way!" Vince: "But still, your lesser stamina did you in..." Jimmy: "MY STAMINA IS NOT LESSER THAN ANYBODY'S!!!] Vince: "Oh, sorry; I didn't sy a word!" Jimmy: "Since you obviously have nothing better to do than to ridicule those who provide you with such useless things as jobs and food, I will take my leave of you and go talk to Baron Von Klaw!" Magilla: "And off goes Jimmy V! Speaking of Von Klaw, his match with John Girder is just about to get under way; before that, however, here are a few more match results from the event center." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sunn: "Club Anarchy have made their reputation by fighting weird and crazy matches; this week, they faced then-champion Billy Thunder in a marathon, handicap match: 30 minutes of action, with the Club being allowed to tag in and out only between falls. The Club won it, four falls to two. The Long Necks barely managed to pin The New Mystics in 18:14. In his first UFWS match, DiMadMan drew with the Black Widow; the match reached the 20 minute time limit, although Smooth and DiMadMan might have been disqualified at least four times!! And Sargent Glasnost, fresh from his tag-team victory in the Tournament, upset Metallicus in 4:49; the Magician's troops are having a rough time getting acclimated to the UFWS, it seems..." -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Coward: "This feature match is scheduled for one fall... Coming down the aisle, accompanied by The Magician, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing in at 280 pounds.... Former EMWA Heavyweight champion of the world, John GIRRRRRDER! <crowd pops>.... His opponent.... (large, huge boos; SS stormtroopers are lining up on the sides of the aisle) Accompanied by his personal military chief of staff, Wilhelm Panzer... And by his manager, Jack Moran, The Man with The Plan.... From Ottawa, third Reich... (even bigger boos)... Weighing 220 pounds... BARON VON KLAAAAAW!" Magilla: "Wilhelm Panzer? Who the hell is this guy?" Vince: "I don't know, but if he is with Von Klaw, he is probably an anal- retentive megalomaniac!" Magilla; "Quite obviously... The bell rings, and Baron Von Klaw rumbles into his opponent's corner, but Girder dodges the charge and Von Klaw runs into a fireball by the Magician!... Von Klaw stumbles... John Girder slams him face first into the mat... And again!" Vince: "Girder is posing for the crowd; I can see a few ladies fainting in the first rows, Magilla!" Magilla: "Girder picks up Von Klaw... Powerslam!... And a dropkick, that sends Von Klaw flying over the top rope!... Wilhelm Panzer and Jack Moran pick him up as gently as they can... And the Baron clims back into the ring; he will be able to continue!" Vince: "I sure hope so; he hasn't received half of what I wanted him to take yet!" Magilla: "Girder moving in for the kill already... YES, HE PICKS UP VON KLAW FOR THE BELLY-TO-BACK SUPERPLEX... VON KLAW SITTING ON THE TOP ROPE... GIRDER LOCKS THE HOLD..." Vince: "But a fan just threw a bottle at Baron Von Klaw, who doged it, and the bottle hit Girder squarely in the face!" Magilla: "Von Klaw saved by his luck... Back rake by Von Klaw; Girder is out cold... And a neck breaker... Von Klaw laughs maniacally as he drags Girder to the ropes, and starts rubbing his eyes on the top rope!..." Vince: "Somebody should stop this madman!" Magilla: "Von Klaw whips Girder to the ropes... Kick tot he midsection, BUT GIRDER CAUGHT HIS FOOT!!!!... Girder spind Von Klaw around... And gets him down with a belly-to-back suplex; he covers: One! Two! Thr-NO! Kickout!... Girder pulls Von Klaw to his feet... Von Klaw nails him with an eye rake!.. And he bounces him into the ropes, and out of the ring!" Vince: "The Magician goes to his protege, and mutters some sort of incantation; Girder gets back up, revivified, and climbs back into the ring!" Magilla: "Jack Moran is complaining to the referee about unfair tactics... Yeah, right!... But Von Klaw seizes the opportunity to TAKE SOMETHING OUT OF HIS PANTS... HE IS GOING TO HIT GIRDER WITH THAT INTERNATIONAL OBJECT... Von Klaw winds up... GIRDER BLOCKS THE PUNCH, and knocks the I.O. out of the ring!... The crowd in on its feet!... Girder winding up for a DDT... BUT VON KLAW SLAPS THE KLAW HOLD ON GIRDER'S STOMACH!!!" Vince: "Jack Moran stops arguing with the ref just in time for him to see Girder's shoulders on the mat!" Magilla: "ONE! TWO! THREE! VON KLAW WINS IT, AND WITH A LEGAL HOLD!" Coward: "Here is your winner.... BARON VON KLAW!!!" Magilla: "Jimmy Vendetta is at ringside to talk with Von Klaw and his entourage; take it away, Jimmy!" Jimmy: Brilliant, Baron! Sometimes you even remind me of myself! Klaw: Zank you, Herr Vendetta, zat iz high praize indeed. Jimmy: What's your next move? Klaw: Vor veeks now, I hav been denied zat which iz mine by right. Ze Championship Committee haz turned ze blind eye to Von Klaw, und haz conspired to keep me vrom getting my vair zhare uv title zhots. Zey know zat none can ztand bevore ze power uv ze Klaw! Und zey are avraid uv me, avraid uv vhat I vill do to ze champion iv zey givenz to me a title zhot. Now, zey haf zeen zat I vill deztroy zhere petty championz vhezher or not zey gif me a match! Zey cannot deny Baron Von Klaw hiz right! Jimmy: Don't you think the jobber conference might try to strike back at you? Klaw: Phaugh, zey are cowardz und foolz. Vaz it not Baron Von Klaw who deztroyed Zledge Hammer at ze lazt Zupercard? Vaz it not Baron Von Klaw who put Vury out uv wreztling? I haf accompizhed more zan all uv ze jobber conferenz combined! Zose vools had bezt not crozz my path, or zat uv ze KO Corral, or zey vill dizcover zat ve haf vays uv making zem bleed! (Von Klaw leaves for the KO Corral dressing room, laughing maniacally all the way, and Jimmy returns to ringside.) Jimmy: All right, I knew Von Klaw would be back and better than ever! Magilla: I've often thought that Baron Von Klaw is a few cards short of a deck, but now I think he's missing an entire casino! Jimmy: "Maybe, but he is winning!" Magilla: "Unlie a certain wrestler announcer that I know of..." JIMMY: "SHUT UP!" Vince: "We have just received word that Jack Moran has met with UFWS officials earlier today to discuss the matter of the Four Corner vs KO Corral incident that happened last week and that cost Running Eagle Feather the world title. After the talks had been concluded, Moran had these comments for our cameras; his wrestlers were not pleased, either!" Jack Moran: "Smooth! You think you've assembled quite a four-man team in your Four Mourners, don't you? Well, let's put that theory to the test, you weenie! Let's play some WARGAMES! "You know the setup -- two rings enclosed in steel. One man from each team starts, one additional man added every minute until all eight men are in there! The only way to win is to wring a submission out of the lifeless body of one of your opponents! "And that's not all, you geek! You and me, we're gonna be watching it all from a scaffold, twenty feet above the ring! The only way to interfere is THE HARD WAY!" "So what do you say, pansy boy? I hear a whole lot of hot air about how great your men are. Let's see some proof at the SuperCard!" Brewster Cogburn: "Metallicus! I hear you whining, BOY, but you can't come in! You see, there's all kinds of talented wrestlers here I can beat up on -- why should I bother with you? You want a shot at me? Prove your worth it, just like I made you prove it in the EMWA -- work up that ladder, BOY! But ya know what? I don't think ya got it in ya!" Running Eagle Feather: "Billy Thunder. You are a marked man. And your so-called teammates will rue the day they interfered in one of my matches. I will get my belt back. I will ruin you, once and for all. And I will destroy whoever gets in my way." ---------------------------------------------------------------------- MAgilla: "Wow! THis is a HOT feud! Could we see a War Games match sometime soon?" Jimmy: "This is a match I would pay to see: eight of the most vicious, evil wrestlers in the world going at it at the same time! WOW!" Vince: "Until then, however, we still have a SuperCard coming up, and one match has been officially signed for it: it's a six-man tag-team match between..." Jimmy: "Let me say it, McMuffin! I will team up with my great pals of Club Anarchy at the SuperCard to face these weenies, these twits..." Magilla: "The Patriot, and the UFWS Tag-team champions, The Ultimate Trekkies! That hardly seems a match to me!" Jimmy: "Of course it isn't; The Patriot hasn't wrestled in months!" Magilla: "I meant that YOU were not of the same caliber as the rest, Jimmy!" Jimmy: "SHUT UP!" Vince: "This will be a Romulan WarBird match: set up in a cage, with brass knuckles hanging from the ceiling, and the winners are the first team to have all of its members win a pinfall or escape from the cage!" Jimmy: "Also, at the SuperCard, the North American tag-team championship will be awarded, and there will be a BAttle Royal to determine who will challenge the World Champion!" Vince: "That it, if someone registers for the damn thing! No one has, so far!" Magilla: "If you want this SuperCard to be a success, register now!" Vince: "Let's go now, to ...." **************************Smooth's Groove*********************************** Smooth: 'Hello all you suck-butts. Today's Smooth's Groove is an even more special one at that. On today's show I have a man who is one of the nicest gentleman I have ever known. He is the greatest Italian in the world. And here he is Mark "DeMandable" Conguista.' (The fans boo as DeMandable walks out in a nice Italian made suit.) Smooth: 'Welcome DeMandable. Why don't you say hello to these people, and I use the word people loosely.' DeMandable: 'You're damn right! Well hello all you pud-pulling, Pee-Wee Herman, Necrophiliacs. Surprised to see me? Well you shouldn't be you Schlitz drinking, overweight, insects. You'll be hearing from me quite reguraly from now on. That's right, Ramblin' with DeMandable is moving to the USWF. There's only one respectable talk show here and I'm gonna make it number two in the respectable category.' Smooth: 'I love it! This is great news DeMandable. Why don't you tell these punks when your show is debuting and who your first guests will be?' DeMandable: 'Well Smoothster you know the guests. They are none other than the next World Tag Team Champions. I am talking of course about The Longnecks, and I'll be talking to Sandman and BudMan next week. Of course I'll have a USWF camera crew with them all day to show these bumbling punks what it's like to live a day as a Four Corner.' Smooth: 'Sounds absolutely wonderful Mark. Well DeMandable it's been a real pleasure. As for Smooth's groove, I'm still looking for any of you punk wrestlers out there brave enough to be on my show next week. Lwt's see if you've got what it takes to survive Smooth's Groove. DeMAndable let's motor.' (Smooth and DeMandable walk off the set together as the fans boo loudly.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Magilla: "Didn't we had enough with Smooth? Did we really need DeMandable as well?" Jimmy: "We sure did; Smooth, Mark and I will hardly be enough to compensate for your lack of journalistic talents!" Magilla: "GIve me a break! The last match results are in, I understand; go for it Sunn." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunn: "Bad week for the Androgynes who, twice, got beat by jobbers; this time it was the Academics who spewed Michael and Annie out of the ring after 13:14. PLague Dog defeated Tomahawk easily in a boring match. The Soviets defeated the American Guerilla, who was represented by Jimmy Vendetta and Randy Hurricane this week. The Road Warrior Cup champs won after 10:40. The Aztec Mummy may have shut Ford Firepower's mouth for good. He pinned him in 3:23! And in the last match of the week; Lightning Bolt defeated Bam Bam Gigolow with the Electric Piledriver after 6:09! So, here are the rankings: SINGLES WORLD CHAMPION: Sargent Sledge Hammer 16-2 44.82 NORTH AMERICNA CHAMPION: Brewster Cogburn 7-4 35.77 ALL-JOBBER CHAMPION: Bobby Windsor 10-8 32.70 1. Billy Thunder 8-3 38.09 2. Baron Von Klaw 8-4 31.58 3. Lightning Bolt 2-4 31.48 4. DiMadMan 0-0-1 30 5. Black Widow 1-0-1 26.5 6. Sargent Glasnost 5-5 21.87 7. Jimmy Vendetta 2-1-1 21.75 8. Aztec Mummy 5-6 21.2 9. Plague Dog 4-7 20.19 10. Tomahawk 1-2 16.5 11. Metallicus 0-1 17 12. Bam Bam Gigolow 0-2 15 13. Ford Firepower 2-3 12.09 14. John Girder 0-3 8 TAG_TEAM CHAMPIONS: Ultimate Trekkies 3-0 75.25 1. Long Necks 2-0 79.5 2. Club Anarchy 6-7 73.72 3. The Soviets 4-5 45.67 4. The New Mystics 2-3 44.38 5. The Academnics 2-1 41 6. Hammer and Sickle 1-2 34.5 7. American Guerilla 1-1 34 8. Androgynes 1-4 24.5 ------------------------------------------------------------------ Magilla: "Next week, Billy Thunder gets a rematch for the world title; Lightning Bolt challenges Brewster Cogburn for the North American belt; Baron Von Klaw gets a shot at the all-jobber belt held by Bobby Windsor; and the Long Necks face the Trekkies for the tag title!" Jimmy: "Also, the first semi-final in the north american title tournament!" Magilla: "So dont miss our next issue, next Wednesday! Until then, this is Magilla MOngoose, speking for Vince McMuffin, Jimmy Vendetta, The Patriot, Sunn Mooner and Smooth, saying: see you at the matches!" Up