SPARF Pre-season Press (LONG) From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1991 21:59:11 +0000 Here is the latest for SPARF (enjoy) Team Desciptions and Early Press -------------------------------- Press from The Order of Arf-do -------------------------------- The Monastic Order of Arf-do belives that through exertion, exercise, and mental discipline, one can achieve enlightenment. Or at least scam on more babes. There home field is in the Secret City, just outside of Oakland. (Follow the billboards, you can't miss it.) The stadium is called the Temple of Universal Wisdom and Saturday Flea Market. The "Masked Champion" is the defender of the Order, and is the secret master of the dreaded martial art maneuver, Drop-the-Ball-while-I'm-looking-like-I'm-kicking-it-away-and-kick- the-player-trying-to-tackle-me-in-his-you-know-wheres. ------------------------------- Press from The New York Avengers -------------------------------- The Avengers are from New York, United States, and the team plays in a domed stadium called the Superdome. Their uniforms are blue with red trim and lettering, and a white star on the chest. An "A" is on each shoulder, and the player's name and number is on the back. All type is in Copperplate Gothic (a sharp, crisp serif font). ------------------------------- Press from the Political Bastards --------------------------------- The Political Bastards are from Washington, D.C. USA and the team plays in the arcane stadium in which every outdoor sports event in the D.C. area plays, RFK Stadium. Their uniforms are red, white and blue, stripes on the top and stars on the shorts. On the center of their chests is a Presidential Seal and around it are the words, "Politcal Bastards". The full name of the player is on the back of the uniform (last name first). They have some cheerleaders who wear nothing and are chained to the taxis which will carry away the players who score the most during the game. During the game, the price of beer is reduced from its standard $3.75 to $1.00 [however, the price of hotdogs, popcorn and pretzels is increased by $2.00] and the metros run until 3am to make sure everyone gets home aok. Parking, as usual, is $5.00. The team was originally funded by the three people whose composite wealth accounts for D.C. having the highest per capita income in the country. They were originally going to build a new stadium with its own metro line out in Potomac, MD, but the D.C. government gave them a few free trips to the Virgin Islands so they'd keep it in D.C. ----------------------------------- Press from Berlin Maniac Warriors ----------------------------------- The Berlin Maniac Warriors are from Berlin, Germany. Most of their players came from the Nuernberg White Angels, another German team, that unfortunatly lost their sponsor, when their sponsor goes bankrot. The Berlin Maniac Warriers are sponsored from the Siemens Company, and can use the companies buildings for training. The home stadion of the Berlin Maniac Warriers is The Berlin Olympia Stadion, bought by the Siemens Company for their Companys Sport Club. The colors of the team are red and black, as their uniforms, which are red and black striped, with yellow writing on it .According to satisfy the sponsors, on each dress stands on the front the name of the sponsor, Siemens, and the number of the player, and on the back of the dress, the name of the player and his number,too. The initials of the team name , BWM, appears on both front and back of the dress, above the number. The Berlin Maniac Warriers are a complete new team, build from the rests of the team of the Nuernberg White Angels. This famous team was given up by his sponsor, an insurance Company, and didnt find a new sponsor to pay their bills. At the same moment , the PR-department of the Siemens Company, came to the conclusion, that it was a good PR to have an own professional foodball team, and they buyed the players from the Nuernberg White Angels, and formed the Berlin Maniac Warriers. ------------------------ Press from the Cifers ------------------------ "The cifers" are from The University of Rochester. The colors of the team are Neon Pink and sky Blue. ------------------------ Press from the csua ------------------------ The CSUA is from Berkeley, California, USA, and plays in a stadium called People's Park. Their uniforms are gold with blue writing noting the number and name of each player on the back. The word CSUA on the front is in a Gothic font. ------------------------------- Press from The Armidale Dragons ------------------------------- The Dragons home ground is the Consett Davis ground at Armidale. The uniform is red with a yellow V. ----------------------------- Press from Gfhter's Giants ----------------------------- This Gfhter's Giants are from Kitchener, Ontario, Canada. The team plays in a domed ant hill called The Ants. Their uniforms are green with yellow polka dots with a purple spot in the yellow dot. The names of the players are in a mixed random order. They seldom know who they are exactly. And that adds a bit of confusion to the opposing teams. --------------------------- Press form the China Khans --------------------------- The China Khans were made in Japan, but now play at the Great Wall Arena in Seoul, Korea (labor's cheaper there.). Their colors are flourescent orange and purple paisley, with green letters and numbers. The rookies are usually placed in a line near the back of the pack: the "Great Wall of China". Team motto: If Ghengis Khan, so Khan we! -------------------------- Press from the Blarney Stones ----------------------------- They play in a large circular stadium in Dublin, Ireland called "The Big Mac". Their shirts are a deep green with light green four-leaf-clovers emblazoned upon them. They wear plain black shorts and green socks. When winning, they charge down the field yelling "more blood!". When losing, they simply ask for more beer. ------------------------------- press from the Pinyin Mandarins ------------------------------- The Pinyin Mandarins are based in Taipai. Although from all over the world, Manager Sargent has renamed all the team in an effort to improve his Chinese pronunciation. They wear a bright red shirt with a picture of an orange, black shorts and bright yellow boots. The teams home stadium is actually the largest barge in the world, named 'Lemmings' due to the fact that numerous opposition players have run off the edge into the ocean. It is surfaced with Artificial grass provided by 'The Green Cement Company of Brisbane Australia' Spectators watch from craft circuling the field, and from pictures taken from Helicopters. Minor technical problems (such as retrieving the ball from the bottom of the ocean) often cause delays of up to 10 minutes. The Pinyin Mandarins would like to thank sponsors 'Natural OJ Company and Mica Boots' as well as Pi Yu enterprises for use of a one man submarine to retrieve lost players and balls, and the Green Cement Company for the 'grass' ------------------------------- press from the Manix Maulers ------------------------------- The Manix Maulers are based in Barstow, California (after deciding that the team just couldn't afford a stadium in the LA metropolitan area). They play in a domed stadium (too keep the sun off) called the Turtle Dome. This stadium name came after the team owner had been told the story of a "turtle graveyard" in the nearby desert while he was in a local bar. The uniforms are green with white writing, noting the number and name of the player on the back. The team name is on the front of the jersey with all lettering in a nice Times-Roman font. ----------------------------------- press from the Montreal Maulers ----------------------------------- The Montreal Maulers, based in the McGill Varsity stadium in Montrea, Quebec, are the closest thing to the United Nations in sport today, with a grand total of 18 non-anglo-saxons, including four Quebecois, two Soviets, two PuertoRicans and one player from Mali. They are playing in garish RED jerseys and shorts, with a big M in the front and the names and numbers of all the players in the back. The Montreal fans are noted for being crazy maniacs who often rush the McGill stands five hours before the game to take the best seats. The team's all-stars are the Lombardi brothers and Roddy Phantom, who got his name because of his maddening speed and is the Canadian League all-time top scorer. -------------------------------- press from the Mythstics -------------------------------- The Mythstics are a motly collection of pen and ink. They are essentially figments of deranged imaginations. Their playing outfits vary wildly, and they prefer not to play on rainy days, as parts of them tend to disappear. The home playing field is an odd bit of real estate called The Brain. --------------------------- Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------ The Newcastle Novas are from Newcastle, Australia, and the team plays in a converted Rugby League stadium that has been unfinished for many years. Using vast sums of money obtained from insurance frauds following the Newcastle Earthquake, the trustees of the ground are undertaking further works on the stadium amenities. Even when the ground is finally completed, it will probably retain its nickname of The Frog (so called becasue the grandstand on the Western side of the stadium, with its gracefully curving roof intended to eventually join up with the unfinished grandstands, looks like a laughing frog). The team uniforms are red with white writing, noting the number and name of each player on the back. The team symbol of a golden starburst is emblazoned on the left breast of the uniform front. As an industrial port city, Newcastle has seen much hardship during the economic downturns of the eighties. The one thing the city takes pride in is the grit and determination of its sporting teams, and the home crowd is always fiercely partisan. ------------------------------- Press form the Black Plague ------------------------------- The Black Plague are to Sparf what the LA Raiders are to the NFL in the USA. They play hard, and hardly ever break the rules intentionally, but walk the line quite a bit. They are based out of a small channel island called Pembrookton, which is wholly owned by their owner, Percy Wilbert. They wear black uniforms with silver accents and lettering. When playing at home, they play in the Wilbertdome, Pembrooktons home field. They are known for taking older players and breathing new life into them Note that Pembrookton, being a channel island, is in fact a sovereign nation. ----------------------------------- press from the California Sluggers ----------------------------------- The California Sluggers are a friendly bunch, anywhere but on the field. Woe to the team that meets the Sluggers in Pestle Stadium, where thousands of screaming fans await the chance to see a visiting team ground into dust. ---------------------------------- press from the Pacifica Tigers ---------------------------------- Pacifica Tigers play at the Metro Sports Stadium. They wear red tops with yellow sleeves and necks and orange shorts and yellow socks with a red hoop. The numbers are in yellow with orange trim. ---------------------------------- press from the Viking Raiders ---------------------------------- Home Town: Oslo, Norway Stadium: Ragnorok Field One of their chief training methods is to cruise up and down the coast of Europe in their oared longboats. ---------------------------------- press from the Kotzebue Xenophobes ---------------------------------- Kotzebue, Alaska felt it had an image problem. The citizens banded together to buy their first ever professional sports team, the Kotzebue Xenophobes of SPARF. The people of Kotzebue love their team, which was named for Kotzebue's reputation of being somewhat unwelcoming to strangers (who says they have no sense of humor?). The team plays temporarily at the local high school stadium, but will move next year to the new stadium, currently under construction. Xeno stadium or "The Big X" as the natives call it, will be the biggest stadium in northwest Alaska, with a capacity of well over 2,000. The players wear black uniforms with a red "X" completely covering the front. The older, nastier players also paint a black "X" across their faces to enhance their fearsome aura. The Xenophobes rely on a combination of intimidation and inhospitality to gain a psychological edge. Important notes: Mook Larue is a crowd favorite. When he does something important, the Kotzebue crawds will chant "Mooooooooook!" They are _not_ booing. Up