UFWS Report #11 (UFWS = PWGeA)

From: laramee@IRO.UMontreal.CA (Dominic Laramee)

Date: Tue, 30 Jul 1991 02:12:38 +0000

UFWS Report #12
	---- ------ ---

Magilla: "This is Magilla Mongoose, back from a one week vacation, to bring
 you the twelfth UFWS Report; actually the first one under that name. As
 usual, Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta is with me. Jimmy, this week, you face
 the Romulan Mauler in a rematch."

Jimmy: "Ten minutes! I have been undefeated since my return and they STILL
 won't give me more than 10 minutes per match! What do I have to do, win
 three World titles?... Anyway, Romulan Moron, after our match, you won't even
 be able to beam down to ringside for the Trekkies' title shot!"

Magilla: "For those of you who may have missed our last issue, let me remind
 you that the new UFWS Tag-team champions, The Shadow Assassins, will defend
 their belts against the team of the Black Widow and the Mauler, that Billy
 Thunder will have a chance to regain the World belt that he dropped to
 Running Eagle Fetaher last week, that The Aztec Mummy will also get a rematch
 for the All-Jobber belt and that Brewster Cogburn will put his brand new
 North American title on the line against Smooth's Unknown Masked Wrestler!"

Jimmy: "And we also have two of the quarter-finals in the North American tag-
 team title tournament, but we will NOT have a Feature Match!"

Magilla: "Yeah, well, as you know, we were supposed to bring you live coverage
 of the tag-team match betweem the champs, the Shadow Assassins, and the team
 of The Aztec Mummy and Bobby Windsor, who represent the Jobber Confederation,
 but as soon as the Assassins entered the ring area, they were assaulted by
 ALL the members of the All-Jobber confederation!"

Jimmy: "After twenty-five minutes of mayhem, the champs were declared winners
 by DQ; we have not heard the last from that story!"

Magilla: "Without furtehr ado, let's go to the LAunching Pad, with The Patriot!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
*** THE LAUNCHING PAD ***

Patriot: "I am sorry to introduce my guest at this time, the Hellhound, Rick
 Shroeder!"

(Hellhound Rick walks in with his rottweilers, to deafening boos)

Patriot: "Hellhound, from the complexion of your skin, I can say that you
enjoyed your vacation time in Hollywood!"

(Hellhound Rick grabs the mike)

Hellhound: "Shut up!... <crowd boos> Now, listen up, you UFWS morons! I am
 here to bust some heads! No, not managers, not announcers, not fans, just
 the wrestlers; but if I restrained the scope of my assaults, I will be more
 vicious than ever! Beware of Kali's Revenge!"

Patriot: "Do you mean that you plan to resume your disgusting tactics of
 trying to cripple or kill your opponents? I am sure that the men who put
 you out of wrestling will have.."

Hellhound: ^"ANGUS! JAKE! I have been waiting for this ever since that
 WeWF Supercard... Now that Death has fulfilled his destiny, I will fight you
 alone! Anytime! Anywhere! Either or both of you! HAHAHA! You cowards! You
 didn't do a lot for Donny Brook, did you???"

Patriot: "That's despicable! How can you blame Donny Brook's death on
 Sword and Shield?"

Hellhound: "I don't BLAME anybody, but I am sure that these pussies will
 blame themselves, which will lead them to make errors in the ring and meet
 their doom at my hands!... Oh, and by the way, Jake, Angus, I brought you
 a little present..."

(he pulls something out of his trunks)

Hellhound: "It's Death's old mask! A little charred, maybe, but in prime
 condition when compared to what YOU will look like when I get my hands on
 you!"

(The Magician, manager of the Mage's Gallery, walks on stage)

Magician: "Speaking of charred, Schroeder..."

(The Magician flashes a spectacular fireball in the Hellhound's face; the
 Hellhound falls on the ground, clutching his head and screaming in agony.
 The Magician sprinkles some powder on the Hellhound, and it catches fire.)

Magician: "Hellhound! Consider this to be greetings fom Warren Hammer..."

(Magician walks off stage. Fade out.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magilla: "Whoooh! Did you see that, Jimmy?"

Jim: "What do you think I am? Dead? Of course, I saw that! And what I saw spells
 BAAAAAAD news for the Mage's Gallery; you don't mess with the Hellhound."

Magilla: "Schroeder IS a dangerous fellow, but Metallicus and his pack of
 wolves can take care of teh worst rottweilers... Speaking of the Hellhound,
 he made his UFWS debut this week when he faced the legendary Sargent Sledge
 Hammer, who was returning after a leave of absence. With the results of this
 match and a few others, here is Vince McMuffin at the Event Center."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vince: "The Sargent put the Hellhound in his place, and his long-awaited
 return was every bit as successful as his first stint in the UFWS! Sledge
 pinned Schroeder in 5:50, and KOed one of the Hellhound's rottweilers with
 his assault rifle!

In his first UFWS singles match, the Tholian Black Widow defeated Bamm Bamm
 Gigolow by DQ when Gigolow's manager, Dick Tator, sent his stormtroopers in
 the ring to disrupt a match that his protege was clearly losing. The whole
 thing lasted 4 minutes.

Jimmy Vendetta held his word, and he upset the whole e-wrestling community
 when he made the Romulan Mauler submit to the Vendetta Leglock in 5:43!
 After this match, the special stipulation that Jimmy Vendetta shoudl not
 be allowed to wrestle more than 10 minutes a week has been lifted!

The former UFWS Champion, Billy Thunder, demolished John Girder of the
 Mage's Gallery in 3:25; Girder fell to the Thunderstorm, and Thunder
 proceeded to kiss a beautiful lady in the front row!

And finally, Lightning Bolt, the most promising youngster in the UFWS, has
 scored his first victory, in a steel cage, when he defeated the Unknown
 Masked Wrestler in 5:10! I wonder what Smooth will have to say about that;
 let's find out, because it's time for..."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

*********** SMOOTH'S GROOVE **************

Smooth: "Hello, you livid pleas for mandatory abortion! Today on Smooth's
 Groove, we will MAYBE tell you who the fourth Corner will be! But before
 that, let me introduce my three other wrestlers! BudMan, SandMan, and
 the new and improved Unknown Masked Wrestler!"

(The trio walks on stage and gets showered with Molson Dry; BudMan screams
 in agony.)

Smooth: "Now, we've received applications from everybody! Mr Mercury... Look,
 you beached whale, we WRESTLE not SURF!... Ford Fireballer: we need a
 premium quality athlete, not a washed-up hasbeen like you! Lightning Bolt...
 HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

SandMan: "In fact, we have received a few MUCH more interesting applications,
 including one from the Hellhound, Rick Shroeder. But Smooth has judged that
 your past differences could be a threat to the Corner unity!"

Smooth: "So, we have finally chosen.... Heck, no! We won't tell you! But I
 promise you that before the end of this Report, you will know who the
 Fourth Corner is! Chiao morons, and don't spend the week increasing the
 demographic explosion!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL

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or Prof. Wolfman! (tm)

(scene of kid holding up two dolls that look something like Spewmaster and
Wolfman)

Now the fun part!  All you have to do is open the special compartment int the
top of their heads.  (kid puts down the Wolfman doll and opens the compartment
on Spewmaster's head.)  Now you take some instant spew (tm) and pour it itno
the compartment and you are all ready!  Just push the head down and instant
spew comes out!!

Now you can pretend to be Spewmaster in a tough match with an opponent where
you spew the bad guy for the win!

(Kid takes Spewmaster doll and causes it to spew a Hulk Hogan doll and then
Spewmaster covers for the count of three!)

Act now and you will get a FREE Little Spewster (tm) decoder ring!  You and
your friend can secretly set up joint spewing missions against unsespecting
targets!

So kids...run out now and buy your own Prof. Spewmaster and Prof. Wolfman
spew dolls!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magilla: "The second UFWS Supercard is coming up!"

Jimmy: "It will be presented on Monday night, August 26th, but we can't say
 that the matches are flowing!"

Magilla: "In fact, NO match has been confirmed, but there are rumours that
 The Patriot, formerly one half of the World Tag-team champions, The MAsked
 Missiles, has finally healed his injuries and will come back to active
 wrestling at the SuperCard!"

Jimmy: "And son't remember that I will need a few opponents for window
 dressing, in the Battle Royal; the winner (me, of course), will face
 the World's Heavyweight champion for the title, later that same night!"

Magilla: "And one thing is known for sure: the UFWS will crown the first
 North American tag-team champions at the SuperCard; speaking of that title
 Vince McMuffin has the results of this week's quarterfinals!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vince: "In the first semi-final, The Academics, who have been busy trying to
Pate, were facing the terrifying team of the World champion and the North
 American champion, Cowboys and Indians, Running Eagle Feather and Brewster
 Cogburn! And the professors did not last too long: only 3:15. The highlight
 of this match actually happened AFTER the match, when Brewster Cogburn tried
 to flirt with Missy Holliday: the beautiful manager spewed himin the face!

In the other match, The Soviets failed to beat the New Mystics for a second
 time; The Hunter pinned Bear's shoulders after 13:10.

Next week, Hammer and Sickle faces The Androgynes, and The Ultimate Trekkies
 will square off against The American Guerilla if they do not win the World
 belts later in this report."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Magilla: "Thanks Vince. After Death and Mr Mercury, the UFWS has lost another
 of its former North American champions: the Cowboy, Kevin Puckett, has
 left the federation for at least a month."

Jimmy: "The pansy was afraid of the REAL cowboy in this federation, Brewster
 Cogburn!"

Magilla: "And are YOU afraid of Brewster Cogburn, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "ME? Afraid? NEVER! No way, Jose!"

Magilla: "That's good, because there have been some rumours that you would have
 to face Cogburn for the North Americna belt next week, if he defeats the
 Unknown Masked Wrestler!"

Jimmy: "WHAT? HEY, NO FAIR! WAIT A MIN..."

Magilla: "Vince has the results of the title matches!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vince: "Brewster Cogburn had no difficulty with the Unknown Masked Wrestler;
 UMW was counted out of hte ring after Cogburn had given him a Bulldog
 Supreme on the announcers' table!

Bobby Windsor defended the All-Jobber title with success against the former
 champion, The Aztec Mummy, who also happens to be his new tag-team partner!
 Talk about weird!

The Ultimate Trekkies captured the World tag-team belts from the Shadow
 Assassins when the Tholian Black Widow pinned Rick Dangerous after the
 summersault dropkick, at 13:56.

And finally, the world title match between Running Eagle Feather and Billy
 Thunder can only be described by images; let's join the match in progress..."

(rol tape)

Magilla: 'Oh and a vicious Tomahawk Forearm by the Champion!  He might have...
	Hey! What are the Unknown Masked Wrestler and Smooth doing?  It looks
	like they are after Jack Moran!'

Jimmy: 'The Unknown Masked Wrestler is chasing Moran around the ring with a
	chair!  '

Magilla: 'Running Eagle Feather is going over to help his manager, but the
	referee steps in his way.  Not a smart idea turning your back on
	Billy Thunder..'

Jimmy: 'And that's why! Thunder just knowcked Eagle Feather out of the ring
	with that Flying Clothesline!  Now he seems to be talking to the ref!'

Magilla: 'Smooth and his protege are working over Jack Moran and what?  Who is?
        The Sandman just appeared out of nowhere behind Running Eagle Feather
        and nails him with, well it looks like a roll of quarters.'

Jimmy: 'Look at this Sandman just dumped Eagle Feather back into the ring and
	slipped under the ring! I don't think the ref saw a thing!  Thunder
	whips the nearly unconscious champion off the ropes and he nails him
        with the Thunderstorm, covers! One! Two! Three!  Magilla this is
	unbelievable!  We have a new champion!

Magilla: 'This is disgusting that's what this is!  Here come the rest of the
        K.O.Corral!  Brewster Cogburn runs to the ring followed by the Black
	Knight, but a fan just nailed B.K. with a chair!  Wait that's no fan!
	Budman was hiding by the door!'

Jimmy: 'Cogburn makes it ringside, but he's still weak from his last match,
	and The Unknown Masked Wrestler hammers him with the chair!   Sandman
        comes back out from under the ring and all four men are beating the
	unconscious Eagle Feather in the center of the ring!'

Magilla: 'Budman has Eagle Feather set for a piledriver, Sandman jumps to the
	top turnbuckle. No! Not the Spiked Piledriver! That move has been in
	every single wrestling federation!'

Jimmy: 'It's not that's the BottleOpener, and they just nailed it!  I bet
	Eagle Feather's gonna be having Excedrin headache #444 after this match!

Magilla: 'This is sickening!  Cogburn and the Knight have recovered and they
        storm into the ring with chairs flying!  Moran's back up and he's after
	SMooth with his cane!'

Jimmy: 'It looks like the Four Corners have had enough, there outta the ring and 	running back to the locker room, which is where I'm going to get an
        interview.'

Magilla: 'This is a total disgrace! Paramedics on the scene, we'll have a report	on Eagle Feather's condition in a minute, but let's go to Jimmy who's
        standing by with the Four Corners.'

Jimmy: 'Thanks Magilla, I'm standing here with I would guess what must be all
	Four of the Four Corners and Smooth. Am I right?'

Smooth: 'That's right baby! Look at 'em! We already have the World Championship
 and it's just a matter of time before the only people wearing gold are the
 Four Corners. Thunder?'

Thunder: 'Well Jimmy it should come as no surproise that the greatest 'eavy
	weight champion the UFWS 'as ever seen should team up with the
	greatest wrestling mind of our time the Smoothster.  The storm is just
	beginning and baby the Thunder is gonna roll!'

Jimmy: 'Wow is he pumped.  Smooth one final question.  When do we get to find
        out who Budman and the UMW are?'

SMooth: 'In due time Vendetta, but right now we've got a victory celebration
        to attend to. Feel free to stop in Jimmy, MAgilla don't bother, we
        ain't servin' milk and cookies!'

Jimmy: 'You heard 'im Magilla. Guess he know's who's really important around
	here!'

(end tape)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Vince: The rankings after twelve weeks of competition are:

SINGLES

World Champion: Billy Thunder		8-1	40.17
North American Champ: Brewster Cogburn  6-4	31.54
All-Jobber champion: Bobby Windsor	9-8	31.39

1. Sledge Hammer			15-2	38.63
2. Jimmy Vendetta			2-0-1	31.5
3. Running Eagle Feather		2-1	25.5
4. Tholian Black Widow			1-0	24
5. Lightning Bolt			1-4	22.86
6. Unknown Masked Wrestler		1-2	22
7. Hellhound Rick Schroeder		0-1	17
8. Aztec Mummy				4-5	16.40
9. Romulan Mauler			0-1-1	15.5
10. Bamm Bamm Gigolow			0-1	7
11. John Girder				0-2	2

WORLD TAG-TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Ultimate Trekkies		2-0	74.5

1. The New Mystics			2-1	59.25
2. Shadow Assassins			5-4	53.65
3. Cowboys and Indians			1-1	36
4. The Soviets				3-5	31.33
5. The Academics			1-1	28
6. Bobby Windsor and The Aztec Mummy	0-1	16

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Magilla: "Next week, Billy Thunder will defend his world title against the
 longest reigning champion in UFWS history, Sargent Sledge Hammer!"

Jimmy: "WOW! That will be a test for the new Four Corners!"

Magilla: "And it has been confirmer, Jimmy, you willl face the Brewster for
 the North American belt!"

Jimmy: "Brewster and I are pals, but I am sure that he will understand that
 I can not let an opportunity like this one pass... No hard feelings, OK?"

Magilla: "For the fourth week in a row, Bobby Windsor and the Aztec Mummy will
 square off for the All-Jobber belt!"

Jimmy: "The other jobbers are not competing! Baron, where ARE you???"

Magilla: "And finally, The New Mystics will challenge the Ultimate Trekkies for
 the tag-team belts!"

Jimmy: "And the best thing is that the Trekkies have to forfeit their match
 in the North american title tournament!"

Magilla: "That's about it for this week, but we have a last thing to ask."

Jimmy: "Jack Moran has asked why the wrestlers who do not participate in a
 given week are not included in the rankings, and therefore are not eligible
 to title shots."

Magilla: "The main reason is to avoid giving title matches (and title reigns)
 to "dead" wrestlers."

Jimmy: "E-Wrestling is much more enjoyable if those who hold the belts are there
 to brag about it, make matches and interviews, etc.; under the former system,
 where all the wrestlers were ranked every week, Crime and Punishment were
 allowed a title match (and a three-week-or-so title reign) after their manager
 had disappeared for the summer!"

Magilla: "On the other hand, not ranking some people leads to annoying situa-
 tions like the Mummy-Windsor series of matches."

Jimmy: "What we want you to do is vote for your favourite option: include
 evrybody and risk giving title shots to phantom wrestlers, or deprive some
 people of title matches because they compete less often than the others."

Magilla: "The results of the vote will become effective next week. Until then,
 this is Magilla Mongoose, for Vince McMuffin, the Patriot, Smooth..."

Jimmy: "...And the next North American Heavyweight champion, Jimmy The Body
 Vendetta..."

Magilla: "...saying: so long, and read us next Monday night!"