WeWF Summer Report #4

From: arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Aidan Palmer)

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 1991 03:18:33 +0000

WeWF Summer Report #4     7/22/91

Baboon: "Welcome to the fourth WeWF Summer Report!  With me are Robby the
    Lame and Wince McLady."

Wince: "Ten days ago at the Summit of E-Wrestling Oroboros' manager Silvah
    Hypocrisy was tarred and feathered!  She was asking for it, right Robby?"

Robby: "What did she do?"

Baboon: "She is certainly a troublemaker.  The Ultimate Trekkies and Admiral
    Chekov took matters into their own hands and got her out of the way."

Robby: "Why didn't they tar and feather Admiral Chekov?  He interferes in
    matches all the time, and he might look better under a thick layer of
    tar!"

Wince: "Let's hear from Silvah's wrestlers."

Captain Necropolis of the PGWeA stands in front of the Guggenheim museum of
modern art.  He has a large wound stitched closed down the right side of his
face from his match with the Law.  He is garbed in his typical leather and
sunglasses.  Beside him is Wyrm from Oroboros of the WeWF.

Captain Necropolis: "We are here as representaives of our respective teams
    as well as Silvah Hypocrisy.  The events of the summit have been momentous
    and require a statement from our clique.  The Summit of E-wrestling was
    truly one of the greatest pieces in which I have had the pleasure to
    perform.  Even the great Andy Warhol would be envious of the hand I had in
    this artistic endeavor.  Law, you were most violent upon the persons of
    myself and Dr. Lethe.  Although we emerged victorious, we congratulate you
    on your adeptness and violence.  I truly enjoyed every bruise, contusion
    and cut.  I will wear this scar [indicating his face] proudly.  Although
    you lack imagination, and do not understand our mission as artists, you
    proved your worth in the cage.  I hope you have the opportunity to hurt
    many others!  Now, as to the events transpired between ourselves and those
    under Admiral Chekov, We of Club Anarchy and Oroboros are happy to engage
    in a feud with you.  I found your spontaneous tarring and feathering of
    Silvah to be a very strong statement about the reversal of roles that
    feminism has brought to the west.  However, Silvah is not quite so
    appreciative of your art.  She wants blood..."

Wyrm: "Damn right Necropolis!  Chekov, your people will pay for the
    humiliation that you brought to Her Holyness, the priestess Silvah!  Set
    will bring curses and plagues to you and your 'family'.  Silvah will have
    the mauler yet, too!  She has not given up!"

Captain Necropolis: "I look forward to the coming hostilities.  I will hurt
    your people Chekov, and you will try to hurt mine.  It exhilarates me!
    This is on the cutting edge of art, right on the border between art and
    reality!  I am attempting to bring myself around to the hatred that Silvah
    and Oroboros feel for you, although it may be difficult.  It will make the
    hostilities much more interesting though.  To the feud then!"  [Captain
    Necropolis throws his fist into the air]

Wyrm: "Battlecruisers we will bury you underneath the great darkness that
    is SSSSSSSSSSet!  Beware the wrath of the serpent.  You never know when it
    will sssstrike!"

Baboon: "It looks like there will be action between these two groups in the
    WeWF and PWGeA!  Let's hear from Admiral Chekov."

Chekov: "Silvah!  How does it feel to look like... should I say a real CHICK?"

Photon: "If you didn't like the tar and feathers we gave you, just wait for
    the one we will give to your stupid Oroboros!"

Disrypter: "We beat you twice already.  We not stop until you scream for mercy.
    This is the code of the Klingon warrior."

Chekov: "The Battle Cruisers will prevail!"

Wince: "Ha ha ha!"

Robby: "That isn't funny!  The Battle Cruisers beat up a woman!"

Baboon: "And you got beat up by a group of women!"

Robby: "I thought I told you not to bring that up!"

Baboon: "Also in action tonight, Team Supreme against The Maniacs.  These boys
    have come from out of nowhere and are currently third in the tag-team
    rankings, after only a few short weeks, with a record of 3-2."

Robby: "And only one of those losses should really count since the other
    was due to forfeit.  Team Supreme told me that they couldn't make it to
    their first match because their uniforms weren't ready at that time."

Baboon: "But, Lame, how could Team Supreme 'tell' you this when no one has ever
    heard them utter a word?"

Robby: "Um...uh...well, I'm just on the same wavelength as they are.  I know
    where they're coming from.  We transcend the need for mere words."

Baboon: "What?  Give me a break!"

Robby: "Hey, I don't have to take this!"

Wince: "Robby, you were pummeled twice in the three days of the Summit!  Why
    are you so upset about Baboon bothering you?"

Robby: "That's it!  I quit!  The Emperor David Lightfinger made me an offer,
    and I'm accepting it!"

Wince: "Hey, where are you going?"

Baboon: "Good riddance.  He would have left in a minute anyway, because here
    come my guests, The Hoosiers.  I'd first like to congratulate you guys
    on your victory in the supercard, and your fine performance in the tag team
    tournament."

Erik: "Thanks Baboon.  We fought very hard in the tournament.  Just
    a chance move knocked us out of it.  I am disappointed that we didn't
    make the finals, because we beat the Russians once, and we can beat
    them again."

Baboon: "The Russians did beat Flint and Steel, your upcoming opponents.
    Does that give you any overconfidence in your upcoming bout?"

Daemon: "No way Baboon.  Flint and Steel are the premier force in
    the WeWF.  They are truly outstanding competitors.  They are undefeated
    in tag team competition in the summer league, and are the toughest
    team out there."

Erik: "We are anticipating a long and brutal match.  They are tough
    and won't give us an inch."

Baboon: "You guys had some contact with Robby the Lame at your supercard
    bout.  What do you have to say for that?"

Erik: "We didn't like how he set up the General, so we put him in his
    place.  He'll think twice the next time he tries anything."

Daemon: "We like to keep things honest in our match.  We don't expect any
    foul play out of Flint and Steel, and we won't put any their way."

Baboon: "Good luck boys, this may be your toughest challenge yet."

Wince: "That should be quite a match!  But who could forget what took place
    on the first day of the Summit.  Tom "The Animal" Brown attacked Mr. B!"

Baboon: "I never would have expected that!  Let's hear from Mr. B, who was
    victorious over the Black Knight."

Mr B: "All the world saw what the B can do at the Summit, and all the world
    saw the true face of treachery!!  I am the B all and end all of e-wrestling,
    and I intend to make a B-line for the WeWF World belt!!  I will wrestle my
    way to glory, cleanly and within the rules, but I will march over the
    broken, battered bodies of Tom "The Enema" Brown and the quack,
    Dr. (Go)Down-Under, to get there!!  Get ready WeWF, Mr B is swarming to the
    top!  The Sting's the thing, and what will B will B!!!"

Wince: "Mr. B and Tom Brown are both famous for their brutal sneak attacks!
    Someone could get seriously hurt in their match, especially since they
    will have brass knuckles, and it will be in a cage!"

Baboon: "Mr. B certainly did the right thing.  I'm glad he dumped Dr.
    Down-Under!"

Wince: "Speaking of cage matches, Club Anarchy successfully defended the
    PWGeA Tag Team Titles against The Law at the Summit."

Dredd and Anderson stand before the steel cage from their match at the summit.

Dredd: "Oroboros, you pitiful excuses for life.  Do you realize what you have
    done?  Do you not know what consequence your actions at the summit
    would bring about?"

Anderson: "Look my friends behind us.  This steel cage was robbed of its
    rightful victims, Club Anarchy by your interference."

Dredd: "The CAGE hungers Oroboros.  It WILL have you."

Anderson: "In the concrete jungle there's only one rule, only one law..."

Dredd: "and we.."

Anderson: "are.."

Both: "THE LAW!!"

Baboon: "They're upset, and they are looking to take it out on Oroboros!  I
    don't like Oroboros' chances.  They're trying to chase down the Battle
    Cruisers, and meanwhile they are being chased by The Law!"

Wince: "Caught between a rock and a hard place!"

Baboon: "Indeed.  Let's go now to The Masked Terror.  Who is this guy?"

Masked Terror: [with a New Jersey accent] "A'right youse guys, listen up!  I'm
    still here.  Dat's right, da Masked Terror is still around an' I'm gonna
    be around fer a long time.  I gots my eyes on just one ting and dat's da
    Woild Champeenship.  I comes from da streets and I knows how ta fight my
    way to da top.  Yo, Steel!  Yo, Kahuna!  Yo, General!  I'm talkin' to ya!
    No matter how long it takes, youse'll all see da Masked Terror at da top
    of da WeWF.  An' when I get dere, I'm gonna be dere for a long time.  An'
    youse can take dat to da bank!!"

Wince: "Who is this guy?  And why does he have a different accent?"

Baboon: "I think he's The Black Scorpion!  But it doesn't matter who he
    is, he's a force to be reckoned with."

Wince: "That's for sure.  And here's another force to be reckoned with: RnR."

Lord Roderick: "Changes.  That's what's in store for the WeWF.  Changes."

Mr. Roddy: "The Time is now.  There is none better.  It is time."

Baboon: "I wonder what they meant?  Did you know that they may be in line
    for a title shot soon?  They are the number two ranked tag team, and they
    may move up to number one this week!"

Wince: "Here's another top contender, The General."

The General is pacing back and forth with a chair in his hand...

"Tom Brown, you thought you were so bad...  You got the Plague Dog,
 and tried to hurt the General!  Well, we showed you two grimy punks
 how to wrestle!  I maintained my undefeated supercard record, and
 now you're just another has been.  Now your former buddy Mr. B
 has decided he wants a piece of the action.  Prepare to fall you
 gravy sucking pig!  I'll knock you back to your own darn hemisphere!
 Masked Terror.  I'd be terrified to show my face too if I had a record
 as bad as yours!  Come meet me in the ring, and I'll show you what
 terror is all about!

Four Corners, don't think I've forgotten about you!  I still post the
 challenge:  Big Kahuna, Flint and Steel, join me, and lets get these
 Four Cowards in a war games!  In an even fight, they don't stand a
 chance! Now get out of my face!"

(General tosses chair at camera)

Wince: "The Four Corners have quietly dissapeared from the WeWF!  Do you
    think they are afraid of The General?"

Baboon: "It wouldn't surprise me!  Bjorn "The Sweedish Pretzel" is still
    here, though.  He can't leave or we would have to have a tournament to
    fill the vacated title."

Wince: "There are enough vacated titles in the WCW, no point in having any here!
    Let's go to Lord Winfred Vague for the results in the singles matches!"

Vague: "Thank you Wince.  The General had a very good week, defeating Mr. B,
    Darkseid the Destroyer, and The Masked Terror.  In his match against
    Darkseid, Robby the Lame ran out and sprayed him in the face with Instant
    Spew!  Mr. B didn't do very well: he lost to The General and to Tom "The
    Animal" Brown in a Brass Knuckles, Steel Cage match.  At his match against
    Tom Brown, both members of RnR were spotted watching the match from
    ringside.  Later Mr. Roddy took on Mr. B in a Barbed Wire match, but
    the match ended with both wrestlers unconscious after they fell off a
    turnbuckle onto the floor.  The match was ruled a draw."

Rusty: "Rusty Nose heah, with some more re-sults.  The Masked Terror defeated
    The Killer Whale, Crusher pinned Razor, Bjorn "The Sweedish Pretzel"
    beat The Heavy Metal Kid in a Submission Match, and "Irish" Mike Flint
    beat Lord Roderick in a Steel Cage Match.  Lord Roderick lost a second time,
    this time to The Secret Agent Man."

Vague: "The Masked Terror was at ringside for a lot of the matches this week.
    No one knows what he was doing there, but he stood and watched The Crusher's
    match and The General's matches."

Wince: "I wonder what The Masked Terror is up to?"

Baboon: "Robby attacked The General?  I'm stunned!"

Wince: "Not as stunned as Rusty Nose is!  He still looks dazed from when you
    hit him with that 2x4 at the Summit!"

Baboon: "I haven't heard him say "Live and In Color" since then, so it was
    worth it.  Let's talk about the upcoming title matches."

Wince: "Okay, first we've got the US Title up for grabs, in another match
    between Frank Steel and Bjorn "The Sweedish Pretzel"."

Baboon: "Bjorn beat Steel in a memorable match for the Americas' Title.  I
    think he may win again tonight."

Wince: "Maybe, but Steel doesn't think so.  Let's hear from him now."

Steel: "Ah Bjorn, so we get to meet, and your belt is on the line isn't it
    sweet.  A lot of people are impressed by the Four Corners, but you're going
    to be just another hunk of slag just like your compatriot was last week."

Wince: "Steel seems to be taking The Four Corners down one by one!"

Baboon: "He certainly does!  But will his attention be fully focused on that
    match?  He also has a title shot against The Hoosiers, who we heard from
    earlier."

Wince: "We'll have to find out.  And his partner, "Irish" Mike Flint is
    making a title defense.  How much will he be concentration on the
    tag team title match?"

Baboon: "That's right, Flint has his title defense against The Big Kahuna!
    Flint won last week, but Kahuna gets a rematch!  I wonder if this match
    will come out the same way?  Let's here from Mike Flint."

Flint: "Well, Big K ya did pretty good last week, and we're going to meet again
    like I said last time, good luck, I still gonna hold the belt but good luck
    anyway."

Baboon: "Flint is determined to hold onto that belt!"

Wince: "But before we get to the title matches, let's hear the results of
    this weeks' tag team matches."

Vague: "The Law were the big winners of the week.  They destroyed Oroboros
    and beat RnR in an Elimination Match.  After the match against RnR, Lord
    Roderick and Mr. Roddy severely pummeled them with chains.  Team Supreme
    defeated The Maniacs, in a match between two masked teams.  As for the
    Oroboros vs. Battle Cruisers match, see for yourself."

Rusty: "... And now The Battle Cruisers are on their way to the ring.  They're
    waving rubber chickens at Silvah Hypocrisy!"

Vague: "Abominal!  That's no way to treat a lady.  Oh dear, The Emperor's
    wrestlers are attacking The Battle Cruisers!"

Rusty: "Darkseid, Vader, Khan, and Thanos are attacking Chekov!  They aren't
    touching The Battle Cruisers!"

Vague: "The Battle Cruisers are going to the defense of their manager... but
    they're attacked by Oroboros!  Here come The Romulan Mauler and The Tholian
    Black Widow!  It's four on six!"

Rusty: "Silvah Hypocrisy is pulling an ominous green bag out from under the
    ring, and there's a snake in it!  She dumps the snake down Chekov's pants!"

Vague: "That wasn't any old snake, that was a poisonous coral snake!"

Rusty: "The bell is rung!  Does that mean the match is starting or ending?"

Vague: "I believe the match is over, Rusty.  The Trekkies have surrounded their
    manager, and are trying to fend off their six opponents, but they aren't
    faring very well."

Rusty: "Whoah!  Chekov and The Ultimate Trekkies just vanished!"

Vague: "I think I heard him say "five to beam up", Rusty.  Oroboros and
    The Empire certainly look dissapointed."

Rusty: "The referee has disqualified Oroboros for outside interference!  So
    The Battle Cruisers win the match, but their manager takes a beating."

Vague: "Admiral Chekov may be poisoned!  I don't condone this at all."

Wince: "What an interesting turn of events!  The Emperor and Silvah Hypocrisy
    may be joining forces against Admiral Chekov!"

Baboon: "We've just received word that the snake which bit Admiral Chekov
    was only a king snake.  Painful, but not poisonous."

Wince: "Let's go to our first title match, already in progress."

Vague: "Steel presses Bjorn high into the air... and drops him unceremoniously
    down onto the mat!"

Rusty: "Bjorn rolls out of the ring to regroup, and Steel follows him out to
    the floor!  They're brawling outside the ring!"

Vague: "Frank Steel, the consumate brawler, is getting the better of it.  He
    rolls Bjorn back in, and climbs the ropes.  But Bjorn shakes the ropes,
    and Steel falls into the ring."

Rusty: "Smooth leading the (few) cheers for Bjorn.  Here comes Mr. B!  He
    grabs Smooth and handcuffs him to the ring railing!  Deafening cheers for
    Mr. B from The Swarm!  Mr. B throws the key into the crowd!  Now he's
    leaving the area!  What was that all about?"

Vague: "I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, Rusty, but think back to just
    last week, when Smooth attacked Mr. B, costing him the US Title!"

Rusty: "Bjorn is upset, he's shouting at Mr. B."

Vague: "He let his emotions take control, and that gave Steel a chance to
    set him up... atomic drop by Steel!  Short clothesline!  Frank Steel
    is unloading on The Sweedish Pretzel!"

Rusty: "Irish whip by Steel, Bjorn bounces off the ropes and goes for a cross
    body block, but Steel catches him!  Backbreaker by Steel... no!  Bjorn
    uses the momentum to cradle Steel!  One, two, three!"

Vague: "Bjorn wins the match!  Green Jean Oktoberfest tracked down Mr. B,
    so let's go to her."

Green Jean: "Mr. B, what happened?"

Mr. B: "Smooth robbed me of my chance at the U.S title and there is no way that
    the B is going to stand by and see other deserving wrestlers have their
    hard-earned title shots stymied by that low-life geek!!  It's time that the
    Four Morons learned to earn the titles the old fashioned way: wrestling!!
    If they don't like that, or what I did to their wet-nurse manager, let 'em
    say their piece in the ring!!"

Green Jean: "Over to you, Baboon."

Baboon: "I understand they have finally extricated Smooth from the handcuffs.
    By the time they did, Smooth was drenched in soda!  The fans got a chance
    to get even with Smooth for all the nasty things he's done."

Wince: "Steel doesn't win the US Title, so Flint and Steel won't walk away
    with every title, but what about the Tag Team Titles?  Let's go back to
    Rusty and Lord Winfred Vague."

Rusty: "It's been thirty minutes and still no pin!  These two teams are very
    evenly matched!  Double clothesline by Flint and Steel, and Erik goes down."

Vague: "Flint is the legal man in the ring, and he picks Erik up and slams him.
    Flint whips Erik into Steel's boot!  They are desperately trying to put
    him away, but they can't do it!  Erik kicks out of a pin attempt!"

Rusty: "Steel tagged in, and Flint is going to slingshot him in!  Erik rolls
    away, and Steel lands face first on the mat!  Erik crawls to his corner
    and tags Daemon!"

Vague: "And now the fresher man is in the ring!  Daemon whips Steel off the
    ropes... back body drop!  Daemon bounces off the ropes and legdrops Steel!
    There's a cover!"

Rusty: "You don't get up from that devastating move!  No, Steel kicks out!"

Vague: "Daemon arm drags Steel down, and drops a knee into Steel's arm.  Flint
    runs in and kicks Daemon off of his partner!"

Rusty: "Smart thinking, don't let Daemon wear anybody down.  The General
    wants the referee to disqualify Flint and Steel, but he won't.  Daemon
    gives Steel a gutwrench suplex, and climbs the ropes..."

Vague: "Steel gets back to his feet, and Daemon jumps off the top for a flying
    punch, but Frank Steel catches him in mid-air!  Steel tags Flint, who
    climbs to the top rope!  It could be all over for The Hoosiers!"

Rusty: "Flying clothesline off the top rope by Mike Flint!  He covers Daemon,
    and Erik comes in and fights with Steel!  One, two, three!  New champions!"

Vague: "Flint and Steel win the tag team titles!  And what a close match
    that was!"

Wince: "After a grueling contest, we have new tag team champions!  But now
    Mike Flint has to defend his world title against The Big Kahuna!"

Baboon: "I know Mike Flint would never break a contract, so he has to face
    The Big Kahuna, even though he will be at a disadvantage.  Let's
    go down to ringside!"

Rusty: "Here comes The Big Kahuna, accompanied by Val Lee!  They're getting
    quite an ovation from this crowd!"

Vague: "Indeed they are.  And here comes Mike Flint with Molly Maguire!"

Rusty: "He's got the World Title draped over one shoulder, and a Tag Team
    belt draped over the other shoulder!  He's getting a standing ovation
    as walks down the aisle!"

Vague: "Kahuna and Flint shake hands, and the match is underway.  This time
    Flint doesn't attack immediately, he's being more wary.  The two
    grapplers circle each other, and The Big Kahuna asks for a test of
    strength."

Rusty: "Flint accepts, and The Big Kahuna overpowers him!  Kahuna releases
    Flint's hands and bounces off the ropes... kick to the stomach.  The
    Kahuna bounces off the other ropes, and shoulderblocks Flint."

Vague: "Flint connects with a jab!  He whips The Big Kahuna to the ropes,
    but he put his head down!  Neckbreaker by T.B. Kahuna!"

Rusty: "Kahuna covers... one, two, kickout!"

Vague: "Flint is using the ropes to get back to his feet, but Kahuna sneaks
    up behind him and lifts him up... belly-to-back suplex!"

Rusty: "Another pin attempt by The Big Kahuna... kickout!  Kahuna with an
    Irish whip, Flint bounces off the ropes... cross body block, but T.B.
    Kahuna drops down, and Flint sails over him and out of the ring!"

Vague: "And Val Lee and Molly Maguire help him back into the ring.  Why are
    they doing that?  If he gets counted out he can keep the title!"

Rusty: "The Big Kahuna picks Flint up for a body slam, but Flint goes over
    Kahuna's back!  Kahuna turns around, and Flint fakes a punch!  T.B. ducks,
    but that's just what Flint wanted!  DDT by Mike Flint!  He covers!"

Vague: "One, two, kickout!  It will take more than that to beat The Big Kahuna!"

Rusty: "The Big Kahuna slowly getting back to his feet, and Flint is taking
    the time to get a breather.  Flint bounces off the ropes and clotheslines
    The Big Kahuna!  And he stops to rest again.  He is really hurting."

Vague: "Kahuna back to his feet again, Flint charges for another clothesline,
    but T.B. ducks and punches Flint in the bread basket!  Flint doubles over,
    and The Kahuna flips him over with a knee lift!  Kahuna off the ropes...
    and a big splash!  One, two..."

Rusty: "Three!  We have a new champion, The Big Kahuna!"

Vague: "The Big Kahuna wins the World Championship back from the man who took
    it from him right before the Summer League started!"

Baboon: "The Big Kahuna gets the belt back!  But next week, Flint will have
    a rematch!"

Wince: "That will be their third confrontation in three weeks, and they are
    still talking about teaming up.  But with The Four Corners on vacation,
    who could they team against?"

Baboon: "RnR, Wince?  I don't know.  We've also got another rematch, Bjorn
    "The Sweedish Pretzel" against The General.  You will recall that Bjorn
    beat The General several weeks back with the help of brass knuckles, and
    soon afterward The Four Corners jumped The General and nearly put him
    out of wrestling!"

Wince: "That's right, and we also have a tag team title rematch, Flint and
    Steel against former champions The Hoosiers!"

Baboon: "That's a match I will buy tickets for!  So long, everyone!"

WeWF World Champion: The Big Kahuna (5-2)         40 REP

US Champion: Bjorn "the Sweedish Pretzel" (9-0)   68 REP

Tag Team Champions: Flint and Steel (6-0)         41 REP

1. "Irish" Mike Flint (4-1)                    45 REP
 2. The General (6-3)                           42 REP
 3. Tom "the Animal" Brown (5-1)                21 REP
 4. Frank Steel (3-3-1)                         17 REP
 5. Mr. B (4-4-1)                               12 REP
 6. Mr. Roddy (3-4-1)                           12 REP
 7. Darkseid the Destroyer (2-1)                 6 REP
 8. The Crusher (2-3-1)                          0 REP
 9. The Heavy Metal Kid (1-2-1)                  0 REP
10. The Secret Agent Man (3-3)                  -1 REP
11. Old Guzzer (1-1)                            -3 REP
12. Black Tiger (1-3)                           -3 REP
13. Razor (2-4)                                 -8 REP
14. Juggernaut (1-3)                           -10 REP
15. Lord Roderick (3-6)                        -14 REP
16. The Masked Terror (3-5)                    -15 REP
17. The Killer Whale (1-4)                     -20 REP

Tag Teams:

1. The Hoosiers (4-1)                          37 REP
 2. The Law (3-1)                               24 REP
 3. RnR (3-2)                                   23 REP
 4. The BattleCruisers (3-1)                    18 REP
 5. Team Supreme (4-2)                          17 REP
 6. The Dynamic Machine (2-2)                    1 REP
 7. The Maniacs (1-3)                          -10 REP
 8. Oroboros (0-6)                             -37 REP