WeWF Summer Report #5

From: arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Aidan Palmer)

Date: Mon, 29 Jul 1991 03:19:35 +0000

WeWF Summer Report #5     7/28/91

Wince: "Welcome to another edition of the WeWF Report!"

Baboon: "I'm your host, Baboon Tempest, along with Wince McLady and Robby the...
    say, where is Robby?"

Wince: "I haven't seen him since he walked out last week.  He was at the ring
    to spew The General, though."

Baboon: "Speaking of The General, he has a title match against Bjorn "The
    Sweedish Pretzel" on our program this week."

Wince: "And The General's proteges, The Hoosiers, have a title rematch against
    Flint and Steel, who beat them in a grueling contest last week!"

Baboon: "We haven't heard much from Bjorn lately, but this week we got comments
    from him."

Bjorn: "I hear a lot of chatter about the 'disappearance' of the Four Corners.
    Well I got some news for all you middleclass punks.  The Swedish Pretzel
    and the Plaid Powerhouse are here to stay in WeWF and we don't care about
    the General or anyone else for that matter.  Cause General when I wrap the
    Pretzel around you, you'll forget all about the Four Corners and you and you
    can bet on that!"

P.P. "That's right Bjorn and sooner or later Jack Tummy is gonna HAVE to give
    you a shot at that World Championship Belt."

Bjorn: "That's right Tummy, Smooth and The Intoxicators may be gone.  But *I* am
    still here and I want the World Champion's belt.  No ONE can beat me.  I
    hereby challenge whoever the World Champion is at the time to a belt for
    belt contest at the next Supercard."

Wince: "Can he do that?"

Baboon: "I think he can, Wince.  It would be a refreshing change to see someone
    besides "Irish" Mike Flint and The Big Kahuna go at it for the World Title!"

Wince: "They fought last week, the week before that, and they are fighting again
    this week.  Something has to be done about the top contenders situation."

Baboon: "We've got two perennial top contenders, and former tag team partners,
    Mr. B and Tom "The Animal" Brown in action this week."

Wince: "Let's go to Mr. B."

Mr B: "OK Brown, so you got me in the cage!  So what!  This time I'm puttin'
    your lights out brother... sleep tight!!  Remember, the Sting's the thing,
    and what will B will B!!!"

Baboon: "What a confrontation that will B!"

Wince: "And that's not all.  There's another storm brewing, and I'm talking
    about the confrontation between The Battle Cruisers and Oroboros."

Chekov: "Well, well, well!  It looks like Silvah has realized that her bunch
    of oxymorons were no match for us and that they needed some extra corpses
    to match with us!"

Photon: "Only problem is that she chose twits of even lower caliber as allies!
    Lightfinger, Silvah, you could never even beat Revenge of the Nerds, so
    don't dream about shooting down the Battle Cruisers!"

Disrupter: "BattleCruisers defeat Oroboros in WeWF, Mauler and Black Widow
    demolish Club Anarchy in PWGeA: Silvah surrounded with chickens!"

Chekov: "How does it feel to be Kentucky Fried, Chickens???"

(they all wave rubber chaickens)

All: "CHI-CKENS! CHI-CKENS!"

(fade out)

Baboon: "That would be a main event anywhere in the country, especially after
    what took place just last week.  Club Anarchy, Oroboros, Khan Noonian Singh,
    and Darkseid ganged up on The Battle Cruisers!"

Wince: "Darkseid and Khan were aiming for Admiral Chekov, it seemed.  I can't
    believe that they would purposefully target a manager."

Baboon: "Well they did lose at the Summit, I can understand why they are upset."

Wince: "The Battle Cruisers did target Silvah Hypocrisy, but they just
    embarrassed her, they didn't attack her."

Baboon: "Let's go to a clip from Team Supreme."

[Team Supreme stand in front of curtained background.  Supreme #1 unrolls a
    poster of "The BattleCruisers" and proceeds to slowly rip it to shreds.
    Supreme #2 shows off a publicity photo of "RnR" and tears it into small
    pieces.  Both masked men then each pick up one of "The Law" action figures.
    They pull off the heads and arms and legs in a calm and efficient manner.
    Team Supreme walk out after dropping everything on the floor and stepping
    all over it one final time.]

Wince: "I really like the way those guys get their point across."

Baboon: "And just what was their point, Wince?"

Wince: "It would take Sigmund Freud to figure them out, so I won't bother to
    guess."

Baboon: "Speaking of figuring things out, we received more mysterious comments
    from RnR!"

"Darkness.  Taking orders.  Where.  When.  Now."--Mr. Roddy

"Time.  Growing closer.  Fire.  Darkness.  Time."--Lord Roderick

Wince: "Has David Lynch taken over as promoter?  Do we have any straight-
    forward comments this week, Baboon?"

Baboon: "We mentioned earlier that The General would be taking on Bjorn for
    the US Title, but before that, The General must get past Tom "The Animal"
    Brown."

Tom "The Animal" Brown: "Big words, and no show, Genital.  You're outta here!"'

Wince: "Hey, this is supposed to be family entertainment!"

Baboon: "It isn't as if they broke the law, Wince.  And speaking of The Law,
    here they are."

Judges Dredd and Anderson stand once again before the Steel Cage.

Dredd: "Oro-burritos the time has come, the verdict is in, the cage is all
    set for you."

Anderson: "The jury's in juves and we're giving you the Death Sentence."

Dredd: "The Cage is ready for you.  Are you ready for..."

Both: "THE LAW!!!"

Wince: "Now that's more like it!"

Baboon: "The Law continue to pummel those human punching bags, Oroboros."

Wince: "Oroboros aren't that bad, Baboon, they just haven't won a match yet."

Baboon: "Our investigative reporter, Green Jean Oktoberfest, tracked them down
    to ask them about how they train for their matches."

Green Jean Oktoberfest: "Well, here's how one of the WeWF tag teams prepares for
    their matches.  Wyrm and Gorgon of Oroboros have placed themselves in glass
    cages filled with snakes.  We have their manager, Silvah Hypocrisy, to
    explain."

Silvah: "Here's the deal Jean, Wyrm and Gorgon are getting in touch with
    their totem spirits by associating with the appropriate animals.  Wyrm's
    cage is filled with deadly poisonous cobras, vipers and the dreaded black
    mamba.  Through the powers of homeopathic magic, he is going to take on
    their characteristics, incredible speed and reflexes and a deadly strike.
    When he enters that ring, he'll be as deadly as all of those snakes
    combined.  Gorgon's totem is the boa constrictor, a large snake with
    incredible strength in its coils.  The spirit totem is going to be adding
    to his already significant strength, making him even more of a threat.
    Together they should be unbeatable.  I've also designed trunks for the
    both of them, to help them keep in touch with their totems.  Wyrm's will be
    made out of the scales of the black mamba, and Gorgon's will be of the boa
    constrictor.  This will be the first time the boys will be sporting their
    new togs and they're really excited."

Jean: "Why, that's lovely Silvah.  I also understand that Oroboros is going
    to be on the lookout for sneak attacks against your other wrestlers, Club
    Anarchy."

Silvah: "Yep, hopefully they'll learn something by watching Necropolis and
    the Doctor.  Gorgon isn't exactly a rocket scientist you know."

Jean: "Indeed.  Would it be alright if I spoke to them in their cages?"

Silvah: "Don't disturb Wyrm.  Those cobras have been skittish lately, and
    I'm all out of that particular antidote.  But go right ahead and talk to
    Gorgon, for what it's worth."

Jean: [approaching glass cubicle, containing Gorgon and two dozen very
    large constrictor-type snakes.  Gorgon has one around his neck.] "Thanks.
    Gorgon, do you have any particular strategy in mind for your upcoming
    matches, any team maneauvers for instance?"

Gorgon: "Yeah, smash other team to pieces!  Gorgon stomp and crush!  Wyrm
    beat and smite!  Real good plan.  Ho Ho Ho!  Is good yes?"

Jean: "Yes, I suppose it is.  Is there a particular reason that you chose
    wrestling as your vocation?"

Gorgon: "Huh?"

Jean: "Why are you a wrestler?"

Gorgon: "Oh.  'Cause, Gorgon like to stomp and crush!  Silvah said that Set
    wants Gorgon to stomp and crush in ring, like ritual.  Makes Set happy!
    Gorgon wants to make Set happy.  Makes Gorgon happy too.  Who are you,
    pretty lady?"

Jean: "I'm Green Jean Oktoberfest, reporter for the WeWF.  Haven't you seen
me on TV?"

Gorgon: "Gorgon not get to watch TV.  Would like to now, to see pretty
    lady.  Would pretty lady like to go to zoo with Gorgon?  Can see lots of
    snakes in reptile house, like George here." [indicating snake around
    Gorgon's neck]

Silvah: "We'll see Gorgon.  Jean has to be going now.  [pushes Jean away,
    off camera]  Thanks for your time.  Interview's over now.  Say goodbye
    Gorgon."

Gorgon: "Goodbye."

Wince: "Gorgon seemed a little out of it in that interview."

Baboon: "Let's go from the bottom of the tag team rankings to the top.  Here
    are the current champions, Flint and Steel."

Steel: "Well Mr. Roddy, you've been doing pretty well in the WeWF lately, but
    you've fallen on hard times before and I think that this week your hard
    times are going to be starting all over again."

Flint: "Big Kahuna, you got the belt now and I have to come and get it from
    you that's just what I plan on doing, a good old stand up fight, that belt
    felt pretty good around my waist and I plan on gettng it back."

Molly: "Howdy General, so where are they playing the big four classic this
    year?  Ya know us folks here in Kentucky are planning to kick your butt just
    like Flint and Steel are going to kick some butt against the Hoosiers this
    weekend."

Wince: "Speaking of the Hoosiers, I understand they have been doing some rather
    unusual training.  Will it be enough to beat Flint and Steel?"

Baboon: "I don't know, Wince.  But The General did give me this tape of their
    exercises."

Starts off with the General looking at the camera...

"Ya know, my boys haven't been on a roll as of late.
 They lost in the tournament to the Tholian Black Widow
 and that pansy trekkie.  The next week back, they lose
 their tag team belts.  We've got a very tough week ahaed
 of us, and we must be ready for our obstacles.  With this
 in mind, I've decided to go back to the basics!"

The first clip has Erik and Daemon swimming in a pool with
the General sitting on the lifeguards chair screaming at them.
It fades into a clip of Erik and the Daemon riding bicycles
with the General in a car screaming at them.
This fades into a clip of Erik and the Daemon running with
the General on a bicycle ahaed of them screaming.

Clip shows Erik and the Daemon pounding out situps and pushups
as the General barks out numbers.
Video then cuts to Erik on the bench pressing over 500 lbs while
the Daemon jumps rope beside him.

Clips show Erik and the Daemon pounding on assorted jobbers
inside a wrestling room.  Clip ends with Erik placing jobber #4
on his shoulders, and Erik leaping off of the top turnbuckle
and catching him with the Frankensteiner.
The General is shouting encouragement from the background.

Erik and the Daemon are on the basketball court.
Erik is running the length of the court slamming the ball
home after each length.  The Daemon is shooting repeated
30 footers, never missing.
The General is still providing motivation.

Ok, Men, you've worked hard.
You guys are ready.
From here on out, we can't count on fair play from the
other guys.  You're just going to have to go out there,
and kick the crap out them regardless of the quality
of the officiating.  You'll win, and you'll win my way!
Fair and by the book, and I'll make sure no more foul play!
I'm proud of you men,
Now hit the showers!

Wince: "Whoah.  The General says his men are ready to take the belts back,
    but Molly Maguire says Flint and Steel will win.  This match is a toss up."

Baboon: "Indeed.  Their last match took more than twenty minutes!"

Wince: "Speaking of matches, let's go to Lord Winfred Vague for a match report."

Vague: "Thank you Wince.  The General defeated Tom "The Animal" Brown in a
    No DQ match, but Brown bounced back to beat his former partner Mr. B in
    a Lights Out match.  Mr. Roddy won two matches, one over Frank Steel, and
    another over The Secret Agent Man.  Mr. Roddy's partner Lord Roderick
    wasn't so lucky, he lost to Mr. B."

Rusty: "The Plaid Powerhouse returned, beating The Killer Whale, and Juggernaut
    beat The Masked Terror.  The General was at ringside watching The Masked
    Terror for that last match, probably a responce to The Masked Terror
    watching The General's matches last week."

Vague: "In tag team action, Oroboros had a worse week than usual, losing to
    The BattleCruisers, The Dynamic Machine, RnR, and The Law in a Steel Cage!"

Rusty: "In other tag team action, Team Supreme and The BattleCruisers fought
    to a time limit draw.  Back to you Wince and (gulp) Baboon."

Wince: "Four blow-outs and a draw.  Quite an interesting week of tag team
    wrestling."

Baboon: "That's for sure.  How about Mr. Roddy?  He beat Frank Steel, and I
    am told he is now the number three contender!"

Wince: "He has come a long way, but don't forget that he has held the
    Africa/Australia Title more times than I can count."

Baboon: "That's true.  He will be in line for a title shot soon."

Wince: "How about the situation between The Masked Terror and The General?"

Baboon: "So far they haven't done much but stare at each other, but that's
    likely to change at any minute.  The General's match against Bjorn is
    already in progress, so let's go to it."

Rusty: "Headbutt by Bjorn!  The General is reeling.  Bjorn grabs him by the
    hair and throws him out of the ring... but The General grabs Bjorn's hair
    and hangs on as he is thrown out!  And his momentum brings Bjorn's neck down
    on the top rope!"

Vague: "What a move by The General.  He rolls back into the ring, and he climbs
    to the second rope.  Bjorn gets back to his feet, and gets an elbow right
    between the eyes."

Rusty: "The General is signalling for... a figure four leglock!  He cinches it
    in!  It's the Indiana Pretzel!"

Vague: "I don't know if that's what it's called, but he has got it locked in
    good.  But Bjorn reverses it!  Now The General is in pain... but he grabs
    the ropes."

Rusty: "The two grapplers get back to their feet...  Irish whip to the ropes
    by The General, but Bjorn grabs the ropes and stops his momentum.  He's
    complaining to the referee."

Vague: "I believe he is complaining about an international object in The
    General's kneepad.  Wait!  From out of nowhere here comes The Plaid
    Powerhouse!"

Rusty: "The Powerhouse rolls into the ring with a chair, The General doesn't
    see him..."

Vague: "Wham!  A powerful, powerful blow with the chair, and The General goes
    down.  Now The Plaid Powerhouse is running away."

Rusty: "The referee didn't see it, now Bjorn covers...  One, two, three.  Even
    without Smooth at ringside, Bjorn manages to find a way to cheat."

Vague: "Bjorn wins the match, and retains the US Title."

Baboon: "The Sweedish Pretzel is a great wrestler, why does he have to cheat
    like that?"

Wince: "But he's just so good at cheating, Baboon."

Baboon: "Maybe so.  Our next match is the Tag Team Title match, featuring
    Flint and Steel defending the belts against The Hoosiers."

Vague: "Mike Flint goes to work on Erik's back with a series of axehandles.
    Flint lifts him up and gives him a backbreaker, then tags in Steel."

Rusty: "They say when you've got Flint and Steel you've got fire, and Erik's
    back is on fire with pain.  Kneedrop into the small of the back by Frank
    Steel."

Vague: "Erik is in danger.  He is trying to crawl away, but Steel drops an
    elbow to his back.  Now Steel tags in Flint, who jumps off the top rope
    with an axehandle to Erik's back."

Rusty: "Irish whip by Flint, he bends over for a back body drop, and Erik kicks
    him in the face!"

Vague: "A classic mistake by Mike Flint, dropping his head too early.  I am
    surprised that a consumate veteran like Flint would make that mistake."

Rusty: "Erik dives and tags Daemon's outstretched hand!  Daemon comes in and
    peppers Flint with lefts and rights.  Irish whip by Daemon and there's
    a back body drop done right!"

Vague: "Mike Flint gets back to his feet, standing inverted neckbreaker by
    Daemon."

Rusty: "Most people call that the "rude awakening" your lordship, and it
    may put Flint away... no, he kicks out.  Daemon whips him to the ropes...
    Flint ducks a clothesline, Daemon bounces off the far ropes, and they
    collide in the middle of the ring!"

Vague: "Both men are down.  Now it will come down to who tags out first."

Rusty: "Flint is crawling faster, and he tags out first!  Daemon tags out too!"

Vague: "Erik clotheslines Flint, and The Hoosiers are back on top!  Fist drop
    by Erik, and a cover...  One, but that's all he gets!"

Rusty: "Erik scoops Flint up for a body slam, but his back gives out!  All that
    damage earlier in the match took it's toll!  Flint falls on him and covers!
    One, two, three!"

Vague: "And Flint and Steel successfully defend the titles!"

Baboon: "Erik was too caught up in the match to realize that his back was in
    no condition for that move."

Wince: "So Flint and Steel keep the belts.  We've just received word of some
    of the matches schedule for Wednesday's Supercard, which will probably
    be shorter than usual."

Baboon: "In one match The General and Robby the Lame will wrestle to settle
    their long-standing feud!  I will be The General's partner, and Robby's
    partner will be Darkseid the Destroyer!  The stipulations for this match
    are that it will be a submission lumberjack match, with no DQ!"

Wince: "I want to see that one!  And there's another big tag team match,
    Oroboros vs. The BattleCruisers!  This one is the best of three falls,
    and the losers will be tarred and feathered by the winners!"

Baboon: "And there's a third big grudge match scheduled!  Mr. B vs. Tom "The
    Animal" Brown!  This time it's an Internal Break match!  That means two
    out of three submissions, held inside a cage match!"

Wince: "That will be a bloody one!  Now that we've given Mike Flint some time
    to rest, let's go to our main event this week, The Big Kahuna against
    "Irish" Mike Flint, in a rematch from last week when The Big Kahuna won
    the title!"

Vague: "Clothesline by The Big Kahuna!  Now he picks Flint up and gives him
    an atomic drop!"

Rusty: "The Big Kahuna waves to his many fans, then bounces off the ropes,
    but Flint runs to the other ropes and the two wrestlers criss-cross.  The
    Big Kahuna drops down, and Flint jumps over him.  The Big Kahuna goes for
    a hiptoss, but Flint blocks it and clotheslines T.B. Kahuna!"

Vague: "Now Flint whips The Kahuna into the near turnbuckles.  Flint signals to
    Molly Maguire, who puts Flint's hard hat on the second turnbuckle of the
    far corner."

Rusty: "And Flint whips The Kahuna into the the buckles!  Kahuna's back hits
    the hard hat, and he is in pain!  Flint charges in for the kill, but The Big
    Kahuna moves out of the corner just in time!"

Vague: "Flint is dazed, and The Big Kahuna grabs the hard hat!  He winds
    up and hits Flint with it!"

Rusty: "The referee disqualifies The Big Kahuna!  And Val Lee is complaining
    that Flint and company used the helmet first, but the referee didn't see
    it."

Vague: "So The Big Kahuna retains the title, but "Irish" Mike wins the match."

Baboon: "What a happening!  And Flint is still the number one contender!  Does
    this mean there will be yet another rematch?"

Wince: "We've just received a telegram from WeWF President Jack Tummy, stating
    that there will be one final match between Flint and The Kahuna, to take
    place at the Supercard!  To insure that there is a winner in this one,
    there will be no disqualifications, and no countouts, and regardless of
    who wins, there will be no rematch!"

Baboon: "What a shocker!  That's four star-studded matches signed for the
    Supercard!  What about the title matches for next Sunday?"

Wince: "Those will be announced after the Supercard is complete.  Supercard
    matches will affect the rankings, and we may have some new champions
    crowned there."

Baboon: "Robby the Lame will certainly be crowned!  The General and I are going
    to hit him on the head so often it looks like he's being dribbled!"

Wince: "Good luck, Baboon!  By the way, I've heard that Malibu may be making
	his return soon to host "The Bikini Shop" again.  I would like to see
	that!  This is Wince McLady saying so long until next time!"

WeWF World Champion: The Big Kahuna (5-3)         37 REP

US Champion: Bjorn "The Sweedish Pretzel" (10-0)  79 REP

Tag Team Champions: Flint and Steel (7-0)         51 REP

1. "Irish" Mike Flint (5-1)                    55 REP
 2. The General (7-4)                           45 REP
 3. Mr. Roddy (5-4-1)                           26 REP
 4. Tom "The Animal" Brown (6-2)                23 REP
 5. Mr. B (5-5-1)                               18 REP
 6. Frank Steel (3-4-1)                         14 REP
 7. The Plaid Powerhouse (3-2)                  13 REP
 8. Darkseid the Destroyer (2-1)                 4 REP
 9. The Crusher (2-3-1)                         -2 REP
10. The Heavy Metal Kid (1-2-1)                 -2 REP
11. Juggernaut (2-3)                            -3 REP
12. Old Guzzer (1-1)                            -5 REP
13. Black Tiger (1-3)                           -5 REP
14. The Secret Agent Man (3-4)                  -7 REP
15. Razor (2-4)                                -10 REP
16. Lord Roderick (3-7)                        -20 REP
17. The Masked Terror (3-6)                    -22 REP
18. The Killer Whale (1-5)                     -28 REP

Tag Teams:

1. The Hoosiers (4-2)                          38 REP
 2. The Law (4-1)                               37 REP
 3. RnR (4-2)                                   34 REP
 4. The BattleCruisers (4-1-1)                  33 REP
 5. Team Supreme (4-2-1)                        21 REP
 6. The Dynamic Machine (3-2)                   11 REP
 7. The Highlanders (0-1)                      -10 REP
 8. The Maniacs (1-3)                          -12 REP
 9. Oroboros (0-10)                            -72 REP