NeWA First Week Results! From: acespec@zeus.unomaha.edu Date: Fri, 27 Sep 1991 18:53:56 +0000 N N EEEEE W W AAA NN N E W W A A N N N EEE W W W AAAAA N NN E W W W W A A N N EEEEE W W A A Brought to you by the Lightfinger Sporting Network and Nagasaki Enterprises, makers of the Little Sumo doll... And now here's your hosts! Joe Blimpko: Thank you, Mr. Announcer, and welcome to the NeWA's Wrestling Report show. I'm your host, Joe Blimpko, and... (Suddenly there is a commotion and a familiar face walks into the studio...) Robby: Wait a second, fatso. I'M the host of this show. Blimpko: You are not, Robby the Lame, I have been selected host of this program. You are the color commentator. Robby: And it looks like you can use some color in those pudgy cheeks of yours. Anyways, on to our first match, where... Blimpko: Wait a second! You're forgetting the last member of the announcing team here. Robby: We need no other member! You've got me. I'll tell you how straight it is here in the federation, not some other lousy commentator, like you. With me, you don't need anybody else. Blimpko: Here he is folks, Raunchy Ronny Trumpet!! Ronny: Hello Joe, hey boobs! Robby: *grumble* Blimpko: Anyways, now to our first segment. We here in the wrestling federation want you to know all the wrestlers that are involved here. So here's Robby to give you the names... Robby: Geez, he gets all the good parts, and I get to do this junk. Ok, here goes.... ----------------------------------------------------------------- Listing of Active Wrestlers Name Side Tag Team, if any ------------------ ----------- ------------------ Jerry 'The Duke' Savage Face Royals Randy 'The Count' Lawler Face Royals Larry M.Curley Face Comedians Laurel S. Hardy Face Comedians Tsuginami Fogu Face Bushi Heel Imperial Storm Samurai Heel Imperial Storm Strike Eagle Face Shadow Warrior Heel Mystic Warriors Sohei Heel Mystic Warriors Preacher Face Holy Rollers Archangel Face Holy Rollers J.R.Sterling Heel Cartel Steel Sultan Heel Cartel Praetor Ind. Legion Centurion Ind. Legion Wilbur Face Comedian Ind. Watchmen Rorschach Ind. Watchmen Ultraplex Ind. Thor Ind. Vikings Odin Ind. Vikings Sumo Ind. Nagasaki Inc. Tattoo Ind. Nagasaki Inc. The Weasel Face Karate Kid Face Fists of Death Deathstalker Face Fists of Death Kawasaki Godzilla Face Katana Heel Daisho Wakizashi Heel Daisho Fly Boy Face Intruder Heel Punishers Lord Roderick Heel Punishers Atlas Ind. Kataklysma Face Executioner Heel Inquisition Torquemada Heel Inquisition Sledge the Carpender Ind. Nerdmaster Heel Tub O'Lard Heel Firecracker Face Pilsbury Kid Heel ----------------------------------------------------------------- Robby : *whew* There are 42 wrestlers in the league right now, fatso. Personally, I know which ones are the best just by looking at this list... Ronny: Oh, you do? Would you care to enlighten us, Lame? Robby: I'd be delighted. There are 4 wrestlers who will be the toughest to beat, Odin and Thor, the Vikings, Lord Roderick, who I knew in another league, and the master of merchandising, Sumo. Ronny: I for one would hate to see a match between Sumo and Tub O'Lard. They would have to reenforce the ring for that match! But, toots, I think you have your priorities mixed up. I think both the Daisho and the Holy Rollers are the teams to compete for the tag belt. Blimpko: The Holy Rollers used to hold the tag team belts here before they were defeated by the Imperial Storm. The Vikings were the team that lost the belts to the Holy Rollers. The Weasel will be tough to beat, as he won the title over Thor a while back and has successfully defended the title numerous times since... Robby: It just so happens, that we have a little interview here the Vikings...Roll the tape, Ed... ----------------------------------------------------------------- (You see two men dressed in furs and wearing viking helmets. One man has an eyepatch over his eye. Both are carrying weapons, Thor has a hammer and Odin a spear) Thor: Jeff the Weaser. You little piece of garbage. I want that IC Title, and for one minute you think your going to leave with the belt, but your sadly mistaken, Weaser. So if you think your man enough, put the belt up against the GOD OF THUNDER! Odin: I am the only true champion of the world. And if anyone doubts me, just climb aboard for the ride of your life... ----------------------------------------------------------------- Blimpko: Whoa! Those guys are already intense, and it's just the start of the season! Trumpet: Ya know, I kind of like that intensity, but they will have to carry that through the entire season, and I just don't know if they can do that. Blimpko: Here's another competitor in the federation, Kataklysma... ----------------------------------------------------------------- (A small but muscular man, wearing a white mask with various complex and colorful pattersn on it, is standing on a beach.) Kataklysma: What you see behind me is the Sea of Japan. On the other side of that Sea is my homeland, Korea. I have left it to seek fame and glory in the Nippon Electronic Wrestling Alliance. Soon enough, there will be no need for me to introduce myself any more. Millions of wrestling fams will rise to their feet to salute the arrival of their masked champion, Kataklysma. Until then, though, I have to prove myself. I have to beat every other masked man in the NeWA and rise to the top of the crop. Well, that may not be easy, but I am the best masked wrestler in the world, and I will prove it. Beware of Kataklysma, next World Champion! ------------------------------------------------------------------ Blimpko: Already it looks like we have some conflicts shaping up. Thor is already declaring a challenge for the IC belt, and now Kataklysma challenges all masked wrestlers, as well as Odin, the world's champion! Robby: This league is ready and waiting to happen, fatboy. This should turn out to be fun. Trumpet: Hey, toots. Who ya managing here? I know you are, cause your always on the phone... Robby: I am on the phone to talk to the Emperor, Saxophone. You remember him, don't you? Trumpet: Ah, yes. He's got some wrestlers in that other federation, the WeWF, doesn't he? Robby: Well, he has some here as well. Daimyo is sub-manager for the Imperial Storm, while I am sub-manager for the Mystic Warriors. We have our full compliment of 4 wrestlers and two teams in this league. Blimpko: And now an update from Hiroshima Nagasaki Enterprises... ----------------------------------------------------------------- HNE is proud to announce that the cartoon adventures of Japan's Favorite Son, Sumo, is entering its second season on Saturday Mornings (despite complaints of too much sex and violence). Little Sumo (as the series is called - check local listings for time and channel) has been expanded to a full hour and will feature celebrity voices like John Travolta, Andrew Dice Clay, and Elvis (you didn't really think he was dead, did you?) as well as showcasing Sumo's new tag team partner, Tattoo. Tattoo the Mighty Munchkin wrestler covered with tattoos is a former Midget Mud Wrestling Champion and hopes to make it big in the major leagues. In his honor, HNE will be issuing special Tattoo merchandise (see below): Merchandise Information The Talking Tattoo Doll - This 10" tall, 12 oz plush doll is the perfect companion to the Sumo Talking Doll. Pull on the string and hear Tattoo say - "De plane, boss! De plane!" or "Please don't step on me" or even "How's the weather up there" and many more. Only $39.95 The Talking Sumo Doll - This 48" tall, 22 lb plush doll talks when you push his belly button. He says such things as "Feed Me", "I will squash you like the cockroach you are", "More sushi", and "Grrrr!". Shake him and hear his stomach growl. He is also anatomically correct (give Barbie a thrill). Only $49.95 Tattoo's Do-It-Yourself Tattoo Kit - This kit allows you to have tattoos just like the real Tattoo (and these don't wear off in a couple of days, either). Comes with Tattoo Needle, our colors of ink, stencils and sinstructions. Ony $39.95. The Little Sumo Home Starter Kit - Now your children at home can be just like Sumo. This kit comes with a lioncloth diaper, a handy how to wrestle book, and 20 lbs of raw sushi. Only $19.95. Sumo and Tattoo's Scheduled Appearances Sept 17 - Ribbon cutting at the grand opening of Sumo's Sushi Cafe (formerly the American Bait and Tackle Shop) Sept 21 - Celebrity Dwarf Tossing Exhibition (also featuring Danny DeVito with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gary Coleman with Mike Tyson) Sept 25 - Guest conductors at the New York Symphony Sept 29 - Celebrity contestants in the Roseanne Barr Look-Alike Contest Sept 30 - Guest host on Carson Oct 1-5 - Appearances on David Letterman, Arsenio Hall, Today Show, and Saturday Night Live Oct 7 - Release of Sumo's autobiography "Mountain of Power, Mountain of Money" ----------------------------------------------------------------- Blimpko: *Phew* Boy, that Sumo really gets around, doesn't he? Trumpet: Well, he may be a good showman, but how does he wrestle? Robby: It doesn't really matter. He's the TV champion for one reason, his manager's company owns all the commercials! He won't last a reasonable challenge... Blimpko: Well, after all of that, let's give you the match rundown! ------------------------------------------------------------------- (Minor apologies here. Each week, 4 matches are normally going to be described in detail. Unfortunately, I have caught a cold and am not feeling that creative with the reports...Bear with me, as the next reports will have full match descriptions...And now, the results...) Jerry 'The Duke' Savage defeated Kawasaki Godzilla Randy 'The Count' Lawler defeated Bushi Kataklysma defeated Larry M. Curley Laurel S. Hardy defeated Preacher Sledge the Carpender defeated Tsuginami Fogu Bushi defeated Kawasaki Godzilla Samurai defeated Centurion Strike Eagle defeated Executioner Torquemada defeated Shadow Warrior Lord Roderick defeated Sohei Sumo defeated Preacher in a non-title match Fly Boy defeated Archangel Archangel defeated J.R.Sterling Kataklysma defeated Steel Sultan Tattoo defeated Praetor J.R.Sterling defeated Centurion Tub O'Lard defeated Wilbur, despite interfereance by Scarlett, Wilbur's pet pig Bushi defeated Comedian Strike Eagle defeated Rorschach Torquemada defeated the similarly attired Ultraplex Thor defeated Praetor Tattoo defeated J.R.Sterling Bushi defeated Karate Kid Randy 'The Count' Lawler defeated Deathstalker Executioner defeated Kawasaki Godzilla Katana defeated Karate Kid Wakizashi defeated Wilbur Fly Boy defeated Laurel S. Hardy Bushi defeated Intruder Lord Roderick defeated Shadow Warrior Tub O'Lard defeated Atlas Kataklysma defeated Wakizashi Executioner defeated Preacher Torquemada defeated Ultraplex in a return bout Tub O'Lard defeated Sledge the Carpender Nerdmaster defeated Comedian Tub O'Lard defeated Torquemada Firecracker defeated Jerry 'The Duke' Savage Pilsbury Kid defeated Torquemada Title defenses : Odin retained his title by defeating Intruder Weasel retained the IC title by defeating Katana Sumo retained the TV title by crushing Kawasaki Godzilla Tag Teams: Royals defeated the Punishers Fists of Death defeated the Comedians Holy Rollers defeated the Mystic Warriors twice Holy Rollers defeated Cartel Legion defeated the Watchmen Punishers defeated the Watchmen Vikings defeated the Punishers Royals defeated Nagasaki Inc. Punishers defeated the Fists of Death Royals defeated Daisho Royals defeated the Punishers Inquisition crushed the Comedians Title Defense: Imperial Storm retained the belts by defeating the Fists of Death ------------------------------------------------------------------ Rankings as of this moment: World Champion: Odin 1. Tub O'Lard 2. Randy 'The Count' Lawler 3. Bushi 4. Lord Roderick 5. Sledge the Carpender Intercontinental Champion: Weasel 1. Strike Eagle 2. Executioner 3. Samurai 4. Pilsbury Kid 5. Sohei Tag Team Champion: Imperial Storm 1. Vikings 2. Royals 3. Nagasaki Inc. 4. Punishers 5. Inquisition TV Title: Sumo 1. Nerdmaster 2. Kataklysma 3. Wakizashi 4. Thor 5. Wilbur This sets up the following matches for next week: Odin vs. Tub O'Lard for the world championship belt Weasel vs. Strike Eagle for the Intercontinental belt Imperial Storm vs. Vikings for the Tag Team belt Sumo vs. Nerdmaster for the TV championship. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Please send all comments, criticisms (not that I'll listen), and other assorted sundry items (and important things, like moves and commentary - SEND IN COMMENTS!!!) to: acespec@zeus.unomaha.edu --Mochizuki Yoshimoto ps. Three more wrestlers have already expressed interest in joining the league, so we will be nearing 50 wrestlers soon. I probably won't limit wrestlers yet, so if you haven't sent in wrestlers, please do so!! Up