WeWF Report #32

From: arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Aidan Palmer)

Date: Mon, 16 Sep 1991 01:32:51 +0000

WeWF Report #32           9/15/91

Wince: "Welcome to another week of exciting WeWF action!  I'm Wince McLady,
    and with me is Baboon Tempest!"

Baboon: "This is the first WeWF Report in quite a while, and we don't have
    a lot of matches for you this week.  But at the Supercard, 16 days ago,
    things were happening right and left!"

Wince: "The Masked Terror and The Crusher ended weeks of speculation by
    double teaming The General as he was about to enter the cage!  He never
    got into the match, and that put his Hoosiers at a huge disadvantage."

Baboon: "I don't know if they could have won against Bjorn and The Law if
    he had gotten into the ring, but at least it would have been fair.  We
    got these words from The General immediately after that action!"

General: "Law, you gutless cowards, you couldn't fight 3 on 3, so you
    had to cheat!  You're no better than the cowards of LAPD!
    3 on 2 is one thing, 3 on 3 is another!  Vengeance will be mine!"

Erik: "There's no excuse for losing, only revenge!  Prepare to meet your
    makers."

Daemon: "Crusher, Tom Brown, Masked Terror, we're coming for all of you!
    There's hell to pay in the WeWF, and we're going to take care of
    business."

Baboon: "The Law won the match, earning a shot at the tag team champions this
    week.  Let's hear what they have to say."

A giant metal globe spins in the background of a dark and empty stage. Suddenly
a huge dark form looms up behind it, a Scythe in its right hand identifying it
as the Grim Reaper.  Then Judges Dredd and Anderson step in from opposite sides
of the stage, carrying nightsticks in their hands.

Dredd: "When we came to the WeWF from the big city we told you all that the
    entire WORLD was our jurisdiction.  Well SOME people seem to think that
    they are ABOVE The Law."

Anderson: "RnR you are about to find out, just like the Secret Agent Man did
    at the Super Card, that NO ONE is above the Law.  NO ONE."

Dredd: "Roddy, Millionaire, when we get through with you, you're gonna WISH
    that you were the Secret Agent Man, so you wouldn't have to face us
    again."

Anderson: "And you Hoosiers, don't think we've forgotten you.  You too saw
    what it means to try to break the Law.  You can't break the Law, cause
    when you enter the ring with us, you'd better be ready to meet this
    man.  The Grim Reaper."

Reaper: "Millionaire.  I'm glad you came back, I missed you the first time
    around.  This time I will BURY you.  Say your prayers, cause money can't
    save you from me."

Dredd and Anderson: "Or THE LAW."

Wince: "They mean business!  How come they haven't been suspended for their
    attack on The Secret Agent Man?  He'll never wrestle again after what
    they did to his knee!"

Baboon: "President Jack Tummy decided that they didn't need to be suspended,
    but he suspended The Red Baron for his attack on Mr. B."

Wince: "I'm not surprised.  The Law have bribed Tummy in the past."

Baboon: "Whoah!  I've just received word that Jack Tummy has been fired from
    the WeWF for blatant favoritism!  Somebody named Slim Heard will be taking
    his place!"

Wince: "Who is he and what does he know about wrestling?"

Baboon: "Let's hear from someone who does know something about wrestling."

(Admiral Chekov is standing by with The Klingons, Phaser and Disrupter)

Chekov: "Oh, yeah! It has been a LONG, LONG time since I last led my Klingons
    to the field of Battle...  Phaser took care of some unfinished business with
    David Lightfinger's thugs in Japan, but now that the score is settled, the
    first Trekkies tag-team in e-wrestling is back together for good!"

Phaser: "And we will re-introduce ourselves to the good public by pounding
    on these low-life wimps, the Highlanders!  Victor Rivera, your Plaid
    Powerhouse won only one match in the Iron Man tournament, and you had to
    blow smoke in the eyes of the Photon Torpedo, a man who had not seen
    singles competition for the whole summer!  That says something about how
    overrated your men are!"

Disrupter: "And we no see Bjorn in championship matches, now, huh?  Bjorn
    double-PeeWee, Klingon Warriors destroy you!"

Chekov: "The Ultimate Trekkies are here to dominate all the e-wrestling
    federations!  We're going to the top, and we won't stop!  Chekov out."

Baboon: "The Klingons, back together again!"

Wince: "Chekov says his men will dominate all of the e-wrestling federations.
    Well, they are doing well in the UFWS, they're off to a hot start in the
    EMWA, but they've been sporadic in the WeWF."

Baboon: "The Klingons have been seen wearing Mr. B t-shirts and sitting with
    The Swarm, Mr. B's fans, lately.  I wonder if that has anything to do
    with their plans."

Wince: "Let's hear from Mr. B, regarding his Supercard match."

Mr B: "A word of advice to the Red Moron... you made two rookie mistakes at the
    Supercard; you went to the well once too often, and you took a blindside
    cheap shot at the B!  The first cost you the match, and the second could
    cost you your wrestling career!  The WeWF has given you a chance to save
    yourself, so don't blow it.  Don't come back after your suspension, 'cause
    if I ever see you in the WeWF again they'll have to wheel you out on life
    support!!!"

Baboon: "This week Mr. B will be facing Bjorn, "The Sweedish Pretzel" with
    the US Title on the line.  Let's hear from Bjorn and his cohorts."

Vic: "My two men have a few tings to say for you other american pig dogs in the
    WeWF.  Bjorn, Double P tell these gringos what it is."

Bjorn: "General, our feuds been boilin' for a REAL long time.  That's why I
    chose you to start off the new season of WeWF action.  I was the
    greatest wrestler before the summer league, I was greatest wrestler
    in the WeWF during the summer league, and I am going to prove once
    and for all, that I AM the greatest wrestler in the WeWF by crushing
    you like the little grape you are."

Double P: "Frank Steel you used to be something, but no more.  Just another
    casualty of war against the Highlanders.  Well we're gonna show
    everyone just how washed up you are, Frank Steel.  First I'm gonna plant
    you in the middle of the ring solo, and then the Highlanders are gonna
    put you and your partner down for the count in tag team action.  Count
    on it."

Wince: "Bjorn was recently voted by TWIW readers to be the dirtiest and most
    hated wrestler in all e-wrestling, while Mr. B was ranked one of the most
    popular!  That should be quite a match."

Baboon: "How about this guy?  He did very well at the Supercard's Iron Man
    Tournament."

Executioner: "Kahuna, you were lucky at the supercard, but I'm coming for
    you... so prepare yourself... you're about to get cut off..."

Wince: "He gives me the creeps when he talks like that."

Baboon: "That's too bad Wince, because here comes another guy to send chills
    down your spine."

[video begins]

A young woman, tall and thin, with black hair, black eyes and white skin,
dressed all in black, steps out of the mists and tosses her head.

"My brother told me of a dream he had last night, a dream which was a dream of
truth.  After all, he should know - for he is Morpheus, The King of Dreams, the
Sandman." She steps back, and vanishes.  A young man, tall and thin, with black
hair, black eyes and white skin, dressed all in black, steps out of the mists
and nods solemnly.  I am the Sandman, and I have dreamed of gold. The gold of
a championship belt.  Nothing will stop me from achieving my dream... after
all, how would you feel if Death was _your_ sister?

[video ends]

Wince: "On a more upbeat note, let's hear from The Wyld Stallyons!"

Ted: "Bill my friend?"

Bill: "Yes Ted my friend?"

Ted: "Truly, the supercard was a most triumphant experience!"

Bill: "Indeed it was, Ted!  A most outrageous victory for..."

Both: "...WYLD STALLYONS!!!  [air guitar]"

Rufus: "Why don't you boys take it easy this week.  Go to waterlube or
    something."

Both: "Thanks Rufus!"   [they leave]

Rufus: "They're good boys.  And they'll be back.  So watch out, tag team
    champs!"

Baboon: "They made a name for themselves at the Supercard, by taking it to
    The Mexican Delights!"

Wince: "Another one of the big Supercard winners is going to be in the Bikini
    Shop this week!  Let's go to Malibu!"

*****************************Malibu's Bikini Shop*******************************

(Malibu strolls onto the stage, carrying Sugar and Spice on his shoulders.  He
 sets the two down, poses for awhile, and then takes his seat.)

Malibu: "Hey all you dudes and dudettes out there it's time once again for
    Malibu's Bikini Shop, and my guests this week... The Ironman of the
    WeWF, T.B.Kahuna and his manager the Beautiful Val Lee!"

(The crowd goes wild as T.B.Kahuna and Val make their way to the stage. T.B.
 holds the Iron Man cup high over his head for everyone to see.)

Malibu: "Most bodacious T.B. and congratulations on your awesome performance
    at the Supercard."

T.B.: "Dude, it was indeed an excellent supercard, but one thing bothers me most
    tremendously Malibu, and I think you know what it is."

Malibu: "No doubt, T.B. you must be talking about that most rude attack by The
    Grim Reaper and The Law on the person of the Secret Agent Man."

T.B.: "No Malibu, while that does send bad vibes through my system, it bothers
    me even more that Mr.Roddy and The Millionaire seem to be taking on
    the rules and walking away with it.  I definately intend to do something
    about it."

Malibu: "Well alright T.B. it's well about time someone did.  Now how about you
    Val what have you been up to?"

Val: "Well like ya know... I've been like working on a new line of designer
    clothes, and like thinkin' about this new make up line, and like I had
     my nails done, and got my hair styled, do you like my hair?  And omigosh
     I almost forgot I got a new dog Pootsie, it's a poodle yaknow, and then
     I ..."

Malibu: "Most excellent Val, well I'm afraid we are like out of time, Surf's
    up ya know.  Any last words dude?"

T.B.: "All you little Kahunas and dudettes out there keep surfin and Cowabunga!"

Malibu: "All right!  Until next week, Party On all you dudes and dudettes out
    there."

Baboon: "Here's someone who may win the TWIW TV Tournament!  He won his first
    round match-up, so he's well on his way."

The Crusher:  "Oh yeah, a new season of WeWF action!  All you wimps had fun over
    the summer, but the Crusher's ready to rock-n-roll!"

Wince: "After the Supercard I was sure he was teaming with The Masked Terror,
    but this week they have signed to wrestle against each other!"

Baboon: "If they're trying to confuse everybody, they're succeeding!  Green
    Jean is standing by with three guys who are confused enough already!"

Green Jean: "Maniacs, how is your strategy going to change now that
    the new season of wrestling has started?"

Maniac #1:  "Blblblb...."

Maniac #2:  "Blblblb...."

Simon Bolendorf: "I think that just about sums it up... these guys are
    loose, and they're not going to stop until they're on the top..."

Wince: "Let's go to Lord Winfred Vague for the results of this week's non-title
    matches."

Vague: "Thank you Wince.  Steelgrave made a powerful impression, beginning
    his e-wrestling career with three victories, one over The Masked Terror,
    one over Darkseid, and in a non-title match over Mr. Roddy!

"The Big Kahuna won two matches, one over The Executioner and another
    over Nostradamus.  He and Steelgrave appear to be bound for title shots!

"The Crusher beat his would-be partner The Masked Terror, but lost to
    Tom "The Animal" Brown.

"As The Crusher was leaving the ring area after a recent bout, a group
    of Animal Liberation Front members begin to chant "Go the Nut, Go the Nut"
    over and over.  As the Crusher stood perplexed, Tom "The Animal" Brown
    ran up behind him and delivered his patented flying headbutt.  The Crusher
    was out cold, and "The Animal" kicked him repeatedly in the head.  Dr
    Down-Under appeared and TASER's The Crusher several times.  The two
    Australians spat on The Unconscious Crusher before leaving the ring area.

"Frank Steel got off to a bad start this season, losing to The Plaid
    Powerhouse, then to The Millionaire in a Cage!"

Rusty: "The Mexican Delights were a popular team.  They were in more than half
    of the tag team matches this week.  They beat The Klingons, but lost to
    The Hoosiers and The Maniacs.

The Highlanders beat Flint and Steel in a battle of superstars, and in
    a close match Team Supreme won out over The Klingons."

Vague: "Back to you, Wince."

Wince: "Well we're off to an interesting start this season.  It's time for
    our title matches, and they should be good.  First, Mr. B will defend
    against the very man he took the title from!"

Baboon: "Indeed, the US Belt up for grabs in this encounter!  Let's hear from
    the champion!"

Mr. B: "So Bjorn is back and looking to regain the U.S Title which he apparently
    "gave"to me. Well Mr Bigmouth now is the time to put up or shut-up!  I've
    got the Swarm and all of e-wrestling behind me, telling you that when we hit
    that RING you will feel my STING and swear that I am KING!!!  What will B
    will B, and that's a lesson which you are going to learn the hard way!!
    LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!"

Wince: "We now join the match, already in progress."

Vague: "Mr. B bounces off the ropes, but Bjorn stops him dead in his tracks
    with a shoulderblock.  Bjorn rakes Mr. B's face, then kicks him in the
    midsection!  Now he's climbing the ropes..."

Rusty: "I don't think he's hurt Mr. B enough to apply this move, Lord Winfred."

Vague: "Bjorn jumps off the top, but Mr. B nails him with a crescent kick!
    Bjorn goes down!"

Rusty: "Mr. B bounces off the ropes and drops a knee!"

Vague: "Wait a minute, here comes Mr. Roddy!  Once again he is coming to watch
    Mr. B's title match!"

Rusty: "The Klingons are sitting with The Swarm again, and I'm sure they
    will make sure he doesn't do anything."

Vague: "He's leaving, Rusty.  But it looked like he was carrying a black jar,
    though I couldn't be sure."

Rusty: "Live and in cullah Bjorn is back on his feet!  Mr. B was distracted
    by Mr. Roddy, and Bjorn is making a comeback!"

Vague: "He jumps onto Mr. B's back and applies a sleeper!  The champion is
    going down!"

Rusty: "Mr. B makes a last gasp and reaches for the ropes, but Victor Rivera
    Jr. pulls them out of reach!"

Vague: "That scoundrel!  Mr. B can't get to the ropes, and Bjorn has that
    sleeper locked in tight!"

Rusty: "Mr. B's arm drops once... twice... three times!  We have a new
    champion!"

Vague: "Bjorn "The Swedish Pretzel" regains the US Title!"

Wince: "As Mr. B was leaving after the match, Mr. Roddy re-appeared and
    threw powder into his face!  Luckily The Klingons prevented any premanent
    damage."

Baboon: "Mr. Roddy was adding insult to injury!  But now it's his turn.  He
    and his partner The Millionaire will defend the Tag Team Titles, which
    they won at the Supercard, against The Law."

Wince: "Let's hear from the champions."

Mr. Roddy: "We did what we said we would do, and here we stand the WeWF tag-team
    champions.  Tonight, the Law will get their chance to take our titles.
    But boys, you aren't the only ones who can play dirty, and we just
    may have a surprise for you."

Millionaire: "Very true MR.  Dredd, Anderson.  What you have got to remember is
    the Golden Rule.  Those who have the gold, make the rules.  We have
    the gold, and how are you going to win when you don't know the rules?"

Baboon: "Let's join the match, already in progress."

Vague: "Judge Dredd has a bear hug locked onto The Millionaire, and Judge
    Anderson comes in.  He bounces off the ropes and delivers a devastating
    flying clothesline!  The Hart Attack!"

Rusty: "That's a patented Rusty and Rustin Nose move, right there!"

Vague: "Even so, it may finish off The Millionaire.  Anderson covers, but
    Mr. Roddy makes the save."

Rusty: "That's why they're the champions, they know how to work together."

Vague: "Anderson whips The Millionaire into the corner, and charges in...
    shoulderblock to the sternum!"

Rusty: "That will take the wind out of you!  Anderson is going for a suplex,
    but The Millionaire reverses it and suplexes Anderson!"

Vague: "The Millionaire crawls to his corner, and tags Mr. Roddy!"

Rusty: "Mr. Roddy comes in a house of fire!  He pummels Anderson... Dredd...
    Anderson again!  The Law both go down!  Mr. Roddy belly-to-belly suplexes
    Judge Anderson!  He goes for the cover, but Judge Dredd makes the save."

Vague: "Here come three members of Mr. Roddy's retinue, those black robed men!
    They're going after Machiavelli!"

Rusty: "Judge Dredd rolls out of the ring and hits one with a chair!  But
    The Millionaire re-enters the ring and climbs to the top rope, while
    Mr. Roddy sets up Judge Anderson."

Vague: "Vegomatic!  The Millionaire covers Judge Anderson!  One, two, three!"

Rusty: "A successful title defense for RnR!  Outside the ring, Judge Dredd
    and Machiavelli are under attack from three black robed men!"

Vague: "If you thought this was mayhem, just look!  Nine more men are running
    to the ring!"

Rusty: "Six masked guys who I don't recognize are running interference, while
    The Hoosiers and The General grab The Law!  They're dragging them out of
    the building!"

Vague: "They're going into the parking lot!  Somebody do something!"

Rusty: "A host of prelim wrestlers are on the scene, trying to break it up,
    and they succeed, but The Law aren't going anywhere soon."

Baboon: "RnR win the match, then The Hoosiers and The General attack The
    Law!  Talk about crazy!  Next week, The Maniacs get a shot at RnR!"

Wince: "Now it's time for our main event!  For the World Title, two people
    who we just saw will face off, Mr. Roddy and The General!  Let's hear
    from the champion!"

Mr. Roddy: "General.  Tonight you get your chance to win the WeWF title.  I'm
    expecting a tough challenge.  But, that's what I thrive on.  And when
    all is said and done, I will still be WeWF champion, and you, well, its
    time for you to retire anyway."

Baboon: "And now it's time to join the match, you guessed it, already in
    progress."

Vague: "The General twists Mr. Roddy's right arm and hammers on it.  He's
    trying to cut down Mr. Roddy's strength advantage."

Rusty: "But he hasn't done it yet.  Mr. Roddy grabs him by the hair and slams
    him down on the mat."

Vague: "Mr. Roddy goes for a move, but The General quickly reverses it and
    applies a hammerlock on Mr. Roddy."

Rusty: "Mr. Roddy escapes with an elbow to the jaw, and the two wrestlers
    regroup at opposite sides of the ring."

Vague: "Keith Skar stops Mr. Roddy to give him instructions, and The General
    charges, but Skar warns Mr. Roddy, who backdrops The General out of the
    ring!"

Rusty: "No, The General lands on the apron!  He turns around and suplexes
    Mr. Roddy out of the ring!"

Vague: "What a vicious move, and Mr. Roddy's spine hit right on the steel
    barricade!"

Rusty: "The General rolls Mr. Roddy back into the ring, but Keith Skar won't
    let The General get back in."

Vague: "The referee is starting to count The General out... but he atomic
    drops Skar, clearing the path back to the ring."

Rusty: "But Mr. Roddy has had time to recover!  He clotheslines The General.
    Now he's going for a DDT, but The General slides away."

Vague: "Mr. Roddy whips The General to the buckles, but The General jumps to
    the second rope and bobs his head!"

Rusty: "The champion has been faked out!  He drops down, expecting a flying
    bodypress!"

Vague: "He gets up, and The General gives him a bulldog off of the top rope!"

Rusty: "The General goes for the cover!"

Vague: "One, two..."

Rusty: "Three!  The General is the new world champion!"

Baboon: "What an amazing feat!  The General regains the WeWF World Title
    for an unprecedented fourth time!"

Wince: "Volcano and "Irish" Mike Flint have won the title three times, but
    The General is the only person ever to hold the belt four times!"

Baboon: "He'll really be tested next week, when he faces the hot newcomer,
    the living machine, Steelgrave!"

Wince: "Indeed, the best of the old vs. the best of the new!  And for the
    US Title, #1 most popular e-wrestler The Big Kahuna challenges #1 most
    hated Bjorn "The Swedish Pretzel"!  That should be explosive!"

Baboon: "You're right Wince.  And as we said earlier, RnR will defend the
    tag team titles against The Maniacs!"

Wince: "The following matches didn't take place this week because the
    commisioner has lost a few wrestlers' moves.  They will take place
    next week, though, and the wrestlers involved may make challenges
    in addition to these matches:

The Grim Reaper vs The Millionaire
    The Grim Reaper vs. Tom "The Bomb" Buchanan
    and Oroboros vs. The Groundbreakers."

Baboon: "So long everyone, we'll see you next Sunday!"

WeWF Wrestler Rankings

World Champion: The General (1-0)                          7
US Champion: Bjorn "The Swedish Pretzel"                   8

Tag Team Champions: RnR (1-0)                             12

Individuals

1. Steelgrave (3-0)                                      21
 2. The Big Kahuna (2-0)                                  20
 3. The Plaid Powerhouse (1-0)                             7
 4. Tom "The Animal" Brown (1-0)                           7
 5. The Millionaire (1-0)                                  6
 6. The Crusher (1-1)                                      3
 7. The Grim Reaper (0-0)                                  3
 8. The Sandman (0-0)                                      3
 9. "Irish" Mike Flint (0-0)                               0
10. Johann "Great Dane" Svenson (0-0)                      0
11. Johnny Granite (0-0)                                   0
12. The Nacho Kid (0-0)                                    0
13. The Terminator (0-0)                                   0
14. Tom "The Bomb" Buchanan (0-0)                          0
15. Mr. B (0-1)                                            0
16. Mr. Roddy (0-2)                                       -4
17. Darkseid the Destroyer (0-1)                          -7
18. The Executioner (0-1)                                 -7
19. Nostradamus (0-1)                                     -7
20. Frank Steel (0-2)                                    -14
21. The Masked Terror (0-2)                              -14

Tag Teams

1. The Maniacs (1-0)                                     11
 2. The Highlanders (1-0)                                 10
 3. The Hoosiers (1-0)                                     9
 4. Team Supreme (1-0)                                     5
 5. The Wyld Stallyons                                     3
 6. Groundbreakers (0-0)                                   0
 7. Oroboros (0-0)                                         0
 8. The Law (0-1)                                          0
 9. The Klingons (0-2)                                    -6
10. Flint and Steel (0-1)                                 -7
11. The Mexican Delights (1-2)                            -8