SPARF press releases--- game week 3 From: mel@soda.berkeley.edu (Mel Nicholson) Date: Tue, 29 Oct 1991 20:21:53 +0000 --------------------------------- Press from the Political Bastards --------------------------------- Free Beer, Dogs and Parking. ----------------------- Press from the The Borg ----------------------- Press: After such an awesome offensive explosion last week against The Black Plague, the coaches have been working endlessly with many of the players to improve their skills. New targetting subroutines have been added, and some of the units received new optics. The coaches are glad to see the return of the star player, Unit 31, after the horrible hangnail incident of the first match. Hopefully his return will signal the return of a few points. Everyone associated with the team is quite proud of our defense. ------------------------------- Press from the Cambridge Tigers ------------------------------- Cambridge Tigers will face their toughest match this week against the undefeated Newcastle Novas. Last week's match against the Maulers have raised the fatigue levels of some of the stars to an unprecedented levels, prompting the coaches to make the decision of resting them for the upcoming match. "There is no point in putting in your tired old stars in the game that means nothing to you. Better rest those stars for the playoff games, and let the Novas take this win. We have to look beyond one game if we were to be successful", announced of the coaches yesterday. The prevalent attitudes in the clubhouse confirmed the nameless coach's assertion that this game means absolutely nothing to the Tigers. "Listen, even if we field our best team, we might still lose. We barely got thru the Bastards and the Novas trounced that team by over 70 points. This [Novas] is the team to beat!! Besides, B-3 and B-4 will not be available for the game, so our chance of winning the game is basically non-existent", noted a famous 4th year player in a private conversation with a reporter from the Sun Times. The game has not been played yet, but it is apparent that the Tigers have already acknowledge the supremacy of the Newcastle Novas. ------------------------------- Press from the St. Louis Cattle ------------------------------- Does anybody want my Shmos? To next week's host: please have plenty of hay and fodder ready. My boys like to eat after a good stampede. And don't forget to beef up the locker room ventilation system - you know what they say about Cattle and methane... ----------------------------------- Press from the Chaos Demon Stalkers ----------------------------------- The Stalkers performed well last game, and there home town of HELL, Australia, threw a huge party in thier honour, a new arena is under contruction at HELL, and should be ready to play in by next game. Joey King and Chris Ringer who performed exceptionally well in the previous game are recieving 'Special' attention from coach Elle McPherson, the rest of the team is expected to train hard for the next game and hope to do as well as they did last week. ------------------------------- Press from the Pinyin Mandarins ------------------------------- Manager Sargent expresses concern over the amount of plane travel he is doing from Lemmings-ville, located somewhere in Europe to Taiwan. Managing two teams in rival football codes is tiring work. While the Amazing Leaping Lemmings are doing quite well in Satellite division, The Mandarins are languishing without a win in Spade division. The only good point about all the travel is that he gets to do a lot of duty free shopping. The mandarins have adopted a new strategy, which hopefully will not involve more injuries. The key to the season is no injuries. The Manager also would like to ask the commisioner if he could advertise who is playing who. With the changes in the schedules I am still confused. Whoever is playing the Mandarins in the future, watch out, we are due for a win. Listen to star forward Pi when he says ' Lots of people have written us off, but Confucious says 'He who is last will become first'' ------------------------------- Press from the Montreal Maulers ------------------------------- Montreal (AP) - For the second week in a row, 5 players left the field on stretchers during a Montreal Maulers game. And for the second week in a row, they were all ours, dammit! The Cambridge Tigers whopped us back into reality last week with the most classic trashing in Montreal sports history. And the fact that the next three games of the season will see our heroes pitted against undefeated California Sluggers and (gulp) Newcastle Novas (Twice!) has nothing to reassure head coach Bear Brilliant. Our roving reporter caught up with him last night, while he was about to fire a bullet in his Team Doctor's face, and he declined to comment. To add insult to injury (or, in our case, injuries), superstar Chris Lombardi, who left the field with a minor commotion last week, will miss the next game; he is mourning the death of Gene Roddenberry. ---------------------------- Press from the The Mythstics ---------------------------- Despite an unimpressive start, the mighty Mythstics have shaken out their team (funny how a few injuries will do that for you). The Manager predicts that this team shall go forward and be victorious. Look out all you teams so firmly grounded in reality, you are about to be overcome by gods, mutants and Daffy Duck. ------------------------------ Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------ The Novas play their first home match this week in the showdown between the two undefeated teams in the Spade division. A frenzied campaign has been underway all week to boost the crowd support for the home team. Novacastrians are being encouraged to 'Come to the Frog' and support the Novas in their 'Tussle with the Tigers'. Surprisingly, there was no post-match press conference from management after the round 2 victory over the Bastards. Head coach Alex Jesulenko offered a brief explanation: "Jeez, mate, the manager's on the tiles." When pressed for his own evaluation of the Novas performance against the Bastards, Jesulenko said that the team played well, but were insulted by the lack of opposition from the Washington team: "Either they knew they were on a hiding to nothing, and they held some good players back, or they totally underestimated our ability. We're all happy for the points, but the boys are still hungry for a proper match against quality opposition. I think they'll get it this week. The Tigers look hot." ------------------------------ Press from the Pacifica Tigers ------------------------------ Ouch! What a few weeks - at least we have Medical insurance. We will bounce back my friends - 4 quarters of desperation football! ------------------------------- Press from the The Black Plague ------------------------------- The entire country of Pembrookton rejoice as the Black Plague heroic victors in the match with the Borg. "We really whupped 'em,"said coach Ritchie Blackman. "We may have lost two players, but we maimed 6 of them! Montreal Mauler's, we are coming for you!" ---------------------------------- Press from the California Redwoods ---------------------------------- BB: Hello and welcome to K-TRE, the all-sports, all Redwoods radio station. This is your announcer, Bart Bark with SPARF Player-of-the-week guest Sean Onme. Before talking with Sean, let me remind you that his team, the Giant Redwoods, sit firmly atop the Diamond division with a 2-and-0 record. Their net plus of 117 points is the best in the Red League. So, Sean, how does it feel to part of such a great team and win the SPARF player-of-the-week honors, SO: It feels pretty good, Bart. BB: You must feel great about winning the player of the week honors... SO: Yes, Bart, I do. Although I feel better about the fact that we managed to pull off a win against the tough Wallamaloo team. BB: It was a pretty close game against the Philosophers. SO: Pretty darn close. We had hoped to take advantage of their injuries last week, but their coaches did a good job of filling in the holes. After Ralph Mouth and Hank Jennings went down, we were in a real struggle. The replacements weren't bad, it was just that Ralph at Ruck-Rover and Hank at Center-half-forward know our offensive system so well, and Craig and Bill (the replacements) are more defense-oriented. BB: Well, it seemed like you did a good job of taking up the slack. SO: Yup, I got a couple of nice passes that I was able to convert on. BB: How are Hank and Ralph doing? SO: Well, Hank may be back in a couple of weeks, but Ralph's injuries may be a little more serious. BB: Do you expect him back this season? SO: Probably, but these things can be tough to predict. BB: Our time is almost up, but can you tell us if the team will be doing anything different when the Philosophers visit you for their rematch next week? SO: Before the injuries, the coaches were thinking about some things, but that may have to wait until the other players are better integrated into our system. BB: Something special, like what? SO: Uh, ... I'm really not supposed to talk about it. BB: Well, here you hear it straight from the horses mouth! The Redwoods are planning SOMETHING SPECIAL for their rematch against the Philosophers!!! SO: [in the background] I didn't say that ... BB: Watch it if you can, and if not tune into K-TRE for the play by play, blow-by-blow, exciting SPARF action. Voice: Order your tickets by phone or carrier pigeon. Call ... ---------------------------------- Press from the California Sluggers ---------------------------------- The California Sluggers are practicing a new technique this week: pulling their opponents spleens out while referees are looking the other way. So far only two players have been injured while practicing this tactic. ----------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ----------------------------- OSLO, Norway--Viking Raiders fans are amazed that while their team was demonstrating its notorious 'Pillage and Burn' play during the game against CSUA, a fire raged through the Oakland/Berkeley Hills in California, USA. According to unconfirmed rumors, the homes of several CSUA players were destroyed in the fire. Also, according to these same rumors, two members of the California branch of the Viking Raiders fan club are being held for questioning regarding the incident. Ruckman Erik the Awful issued a statement on behalf of the team: "No No No No No. Pillage, THEN burn." ----------------------------------------------- Press from the Wallamaloo Philosophy Department ----------------------------------------------- Last week's loss to the Redwoods was particularly difficult for injured Forward Pocket Bruce Epikur to endure, and his training program went right out the window with the development of a form of bulimia. "'E binges, all roit," coach Bruce Existence lamented, "but 'e doesn't purge at all." Epikur's weight, now at well over 150 kg, is beginning to worry Manager Buffum. "When he can no longer lift his arms over his head, we'll have to consider cutting him," Buffum said sternly. When asked if this week's strategy would be any different, Buffum replied, "Well, Bruce Kierkegaard has assured me that although his Elm Disease will not be totally effective, there may be some hope that it'll slow them down." However, Buffum went on to say that he doesn't relish playing his first road game against such a stately opponent. In player news, Bruce Schopenhauer continued his long-standing tradition of complaining about the management, saying that he and Bruce Machiavelli could do a better job "running state". Schopenhauer, despised by even his own teammates, was silenced when his own dog bit him. Up