UEFL: Central Division Session B Newsletter From: billoj@aix.rpi.edu (Jeremy Louis Billones) Date: Sun, 10 Nov 1991 06:47:52 +0000 Central Division Newsletter Session B LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash MVP Sordid Sages 10 5 1 0 23 4 4.5 3 389 BOTH Moonshine by Urn 8 4 2 0 19 11 6.5 3 210 EB Wainscotting 6 2 2 2 10 14 2.5 3 243 EB Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 5 2 3 1 11 11 2 4 241 EB Cylinder Heads 5 2 3 1 17 19 2.5 3 607 Amdahl United 5 2 3 1 17 24 11 7 395 EB Safety in Numbers 5 1 2 3 19 33 3.5 4 204 EB The New Lions 4 2 4 0 11 10 2 3 379 Rosters for AU this session were constructed by yours truly, first by allocating injured players to eligible matches, then remaining players in position; any options remaining after the 11-man-per-match restriction were resolved arbitrarily w/o referencing opposing club. (In restrospect, there was only one player/game I might have switched, but I wanted to put as little 'managing' in as possible) Trades and Roster Moves: Jim Phillips (jphillip@ecn.purdue.edu) assumes control of Amdahl United. Sordid Sages sign Simon the Magus (DF) from the minors. Wainscotting signs K.Y. Gumby (FW) from the minors. Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks sign Carl Ummberbund (GK) from the minors. Safety in Numbers signs Armon Hammer (GK) from the minors. The Deadline for Session B lineups is Friday, November 15th, at 2PM EST. All lineups received before 10 PM on Wednesday, November 13th will receive an Early Bird Bonus of 0.5 CP Session C: match 07: SS @ SiN MbU @ W TPR @ NL AU @ CH match 08: MbU @ SS SiN @ TPR W @ AU CH @ NL match 09: SS @ TPR AU @ MbU CH @ SiN NL @ W Press: Wainscotting's opening session success has left all of the Gumbies a bit disoriented, but happy nonetheless. Manager Buffum stated that he was not looking forward to the road match in Stonehenge, however, where Archmage Fred is known to be virtually unbeatable. "We are negotiating with Fred on a plan to improve the team enough to compete for the title," Buffum said. "It's rather complicated, but could pay big dividends." Apparently Buffum's plan is to learn how to cast a Time Stop spell, play 55 matches in Limbo, develop a Cloning method to produce new trainers and coaches, and return to this dimension in time for the match with the drunks. "Just think," Buffum rambled, "if we could convince Commissioner Billones to lift that silly 20 SL maximum, we could develop a pair of SL 30 GKs, meaning that every time an opponent took a shot, we would have a 20% chance of scoring ourselves!" Archmage Fred was unavailable for comment, but team physician R.X. Gumby was heard to mumble something about "late medication". In player news, Wainscotting was abuzz with two new minor league acquisitions. Defender M.C. "Hammer" Gumby and forward K.Y. Gumby both played extensively, and M.C. Gumby was actually booked in match 1 against Amdahl for tripping. Gumby protested that he had in fact not touched the Amdahl player, but replays showed that although he did not kick the Amdahl forward, he did in fact attempt to smother him with his somewhat non- regulation pants. K.Y. Gumby, meanwhile, is still being used sparingly, although his slick ball-handling skills are growing rapidly. Ex-Wainscotting GK Fedel was partially responsible for the club's draw against Amdahl, stopping a stunning zero shots. When asked for comment, Fedel remained silent, apparently still despondent at the departure of his old manager Sjostrom. (Besides, I don't know any Swedish). MOONSHINE MADNESS: MbU is off to their worst start ever, a last-place standing that included a 6-0 shellacking by the New Lions. This was also MbU's worst loss ever. The only possible explanations are 1) Nobody told the Lions that I'm no longer managing the Noble Physicists 2) The Sages cursed us We'll see which in session C, when we meet the Sages again. Me, I'm won- dering where Vibbentrop's old shoes went over the summer. Lion's Den, New Mexico. "Not a great start", said coach Sada just before leaving on a business trip to California. "But we will get better. It is going to be a really tough season for the Central Division; just look at all the tied games there were on the first session." The Sage News ============= Today's feature is an interview with Manager/Coach of the Sordid Sages, Archmage Fred. News: Coach, I understand that there are the beginnings of a feud between the Sages and the League Commissioner? Fred: Let's just say that we weren't happy with our schedule this season, it seems aimed at bringing down the Sages. Anyway, we sacrificed the commissioner's cat before the beginning of the season and ended up with a pretty good 2-1 start. I know that everyone has heard that the commissiner does not own a cat and never has. BUT he will own one in the future and THAT is the one that we went and got:-) News: What about rumours of a curse on MbU for handing the Sages their worst shutout defeat ever, 4-0, in the first match of the season? Fred: No truth to it whatsoever, although I will admit to a certain amount of annoyance at the loss, I would never thow a curse on MbU this early in the season. I'm sure that upon further investigation, Prune would have uncovered the truth. Namely that the Entropy Raiders confused the Drunken Stupor rookie Henrys Private Reserve with the beer of the same name. They were upset and over the close loss to DS and sent some "entropy" DS's way. In the confusion the beer at the Punch Bowl got spoiled. The bad beer caused a mass halucination to run through the MbU bench making them think that they had 2 FW's on the field instead of one. News: Also on the minds of some of our six hundred and sixty-six fans are recent reports of your sighting in Beirut? Fred: I was indeed in Beirut over the weekend, I dropped in to visit a long-standing friend, Manager Ingram of the Blast. Actually, I spent much of my summer at his villa/hideout in the hills west of Beirut. We've done favors for each other in the past and lately I've been helping him some with his new goalie. News: Well, I know we're just about out of time, any last comments? Fred: Actually, I just want to tell Prune about some predictions by Sage defenders - nammely Nostrodamus and Simon the Magus. They aren't quite certain WHEN the Punch Bowl will be destroyed, only that it WILL happen. I would like Prune to know that the Sages ARE willing to lend the use of Stonehenge to MbU while they look for a new stadium. [For those readers who don't know, Nostrodamus has predicted that the Punch Bowl will be swallowed by an earthquake sometine over the next 9 seasons while Simon the Magus has predicted that it will be destroyed by a volcano.] ******************************************************************************** Match 1 ******************************************************************************** Cylinder Heads vs Sordid Sages 0 - 2 0 -17 Jones (bk) Luke (1) M. Luking (bk) Mark (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks vs Wainscotting 0 - 1 2 - 1 Baxter (bk) S.D. Gumby (1) Cooder (bk) Reeds (bk) Oakley (bk) W. Otto (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moonshine by Urn vs Safety in Numbers 5 - 1 7 - 2 Flatulence (2;bk) Chapin (1) T.K. Gumby (2) Garfunkel (bk) Center (1) Kissenger (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amdahl United vs New Lions 0 - 4 0 -12 Copernicus (2) Kepler (1) Pauling (1;bk) Cassini (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 2 ******************************************************************************** Sordid Sages vs New Lions 4 - 0 9 - 1 Abaddon (2) Kepler (bk) Johnson (1;1pen) Zambrano (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moonshine by Urn vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 3 - 0 11- 4 T.K. Gumby (2;bk) Mingus (bk) T. Welch (1;bk) Blackhead (bk) Center (bk) Essenelles (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wainscotting vs Cylinder Heads 1 - 3 4 - 4 S.D. Gumby (1) Hanson (1) Battista (bk) Primadona (1) P. Peter L. (bk) Valdez (1;bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Safety in Numbers vs Amdahl United 4 -15 18-16 Kicker (2) Britton (4) Mann (2) Bateman (2) Sokashu [inj;spr] Grate (2) Otaka (2) Sterner (2) Friend (1) Grey (1) Hindo (1) ******************************************************************************** Match 3 ******************************************************************************** Wainscotting vs Sordid Sages 0 - 5 0 - 9 Mephisto (2;1pen) Luke (1) Matthew (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cylider Heads vs Moonshine by Urn 3 - 7 6 -10 J. Blazel (2) T. Welch (4;bk) Weinberger (1) Open (2) D. Luking (bk) Seymour (1) Mama (bk) Clay (bk) Kissenger (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Lions vs Safety in Numbers 0 - 1 0 - 3 Cyphers (1) Bonar (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amdahl United vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 0 - 7 0 -21 Feynman (4) Fleck (2) E. Otto (1) ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up