WeWF Report #37

From: arxt@quads.uchicago.edu (Aidan Palmer)

Date: Mon, 04 Nov 1991 02:18:42 +0000

WeWF Report #37           10/28/91

Wince: "Welcome everyone to another WeWF Report!  You didn't think we'd
    schedule an event against the World Series, did you?"

Baboon: "Well, actually..."

Wince: "This week we've got lot's of wild action...  We've got three title
    matches once again, including that big title rematch between Steelgrave
    and The Sandman."

Baboon: "And a title rematch between new champions The Klingons and former
    Tag Team Champions The Maniacs."

Wince: "And hopefully we'll have an update on what The Four Corners have
    done with Val Lee!  No one has seen here since they abducted her last
    week!"

Baboon: "Let's got to an 'old friend' of mine, Robby the Lame!  He has
    a very special interview for us."

Robby the Lame: "This is Robby the Lame here, doing a special interview
    with Machiavelli, and the Grim Reaper.  Machiavelli,
    isn't it about time that you ended the career of that
    no good hick, the General?"

Machiavelli: "We have plans for him.  The Reaper has been scouting out his
    weaknesses.  He will get what's coming to him."

General: "OK, tough guy, it's time for this feud to come to an end.
    The Hoosiers and myself would like to challenge The Grim Reaper
    and The Law to a Steel Man tournament.  Each individual from our
    side will wrestle each individual from yours 1 on 1 in a steel
    cage.  Whoever gets the most wins wins the feud.  End of story!"

Robby: "We don't have to take this, get out of here you flea-ridden vermin!"

<Suddenly, the Hoosiers come up from behind the interview area.  They
 double-clothesline the Grim Reaper from behind, and then proceed to
 Spike Piledriver Machiavelli and Robby the Lame.  The General has
 disappeared, but has been replaced by a masked man weilding a samurai
 sword.  By the time the LAW can arrive, they are outmanned and out
 armed, and both find themselves on the bad end of Spike Pildedrivers.
 Finally, the General Machine chases everyone back into the dressing
 room with his samurai sword.>

Baboon: "How about that!  Things are rolling before any matches have taken
    place!"

Wince: "The General Machine is dangerous!  Don't you think he should be
    suspended, Baboon?"

Baboon: "But who IS that masked man?"

Wince: "Sparks continue to fly between The Law and The Hoosiers."

Mr B: "I'd just like to congratulate The Klingons on the eve of their first
    title defense!  These guys epitomise the true spirit of wrestling, and they
    have a great fan in the B!  Guys, I still owe you one from a few weeks back
    when you saved my butt from that scum-sucker Mr Shoddy, and so I'm inviting
    you to act as lumberjacks in my Supercard match! How about it?  Wouldn't you
    just LOVE to nail the Dead Moron with a length of chain?  I know I would!!"

Baboon: "Mr. B is inviting The Klingons to be lumberjacks for his match!"

Wince: "They would be armed with chains... as if those ridged heads weren't
    bad enough."

Baboon: "Mr. B is looking to thrash The Red Baron, and The Baron is out
    to finish what he started two months ago.  It should be quite a match."

Wince: "And here's another great match: The Wyld Stallyons and Apocalypse
    Now against The Law and The Highlanders!"

Bill: "Whel Hail, Ted, ah'm, ah say ah'm a Hoosier."

Ted:  "Bill, my friend, that attempt at an "accent" may be bogus, Dude,
    but you sure sound stupid enough, dude!"

Both: "We're... WYLD STALLYONS!!!!!"  [air guitar]

Wince: "At the Supercard, The Stallyons will be teaming up with these men."

Death: "Our most excellent team partners and Apocalypse Now
    are going to bodily remove parts of the Four Corners to the four
    corners of the earth, get ready for Death is amongst you."

War: "When you the Law, expect an easy cruise to victory
    expect War to come between you and your closest allies, we W I L L
    win, you will be pinned to the four corners, of the ring."

Death & War: "Feel the POWER of the APOCALYPSE!"

Baboon: "That should be some match."

Wince: "I hope the other two Apocalypse members are there, because you
    can bet The Intoxicators will be at ringside."

Baboon: "And they won't be selling pizza."

Metal: "Mr Baron, you think your hot with that plane, well I got
    aces high and I'm gunning for you, you might have Mr. B in your sights
    but watch your flanks because that's where I am, and I'm gonna crush
    your aeroplane sour-kraut!"

Wince: "That match will take place right here!  Metal is certainly off to
    a fast start, battling rugged Johnny Granite to a draw and now challenging
    The Red Baron."

Baboon: "He's got some tough matches signed for this week, so let's see how
    he does."

Dr Down-Under: "I knew the WeWF was a JOKE but I didn't think that Slim Heard
    would allow the fact to go public!!  How many times are these so-called
    "champions" going to be allowed to dodge challengers by participating in
    pointless, non-title tag matches at Supercards??  Bjorn, The Animal has
    shown you to be a pussy-wimp of the first order!!  This is your last
    chance... respond to the Call of the Wild, meet The Animal in a Shock
    Treatment match, or be remembered as the greatest CHUMP in the sorry history
    of the WeWF!!!!!!!"

Wince: "Oh my!  Slim Heard and fine and suspend Dr. Down-Under for saying
    those things!"

Baboon: "I agree!  But he is right that Bjorn has been ducking him."

Wince: "Speaking of Bjorn, remember what happened at his last title match?
    The Plaid Powerhouse grabbed Val Lee and ran off while Tom Brown, Bjorn,
    Dr. Down-Under, Smooth, The Big Kahuna, and The Intoxicators brawled!"

Baboon: "Let's hear from former World Champ T. B. Kahuna."

T.B.: "Dude, I don't know what was going through that moth eaten braincell
    of yours Plaid Powerhouse, but you don't touch Val.  You did the
    crime Powerhouse, get ready to do the time.  I am NOT a happy camper.
    I AM gonna Wipe YOU out!"

Wince: "I almost feel sorry for Double P!  The Big Kahuna will certainly
    be after him with a vengeance!"

Baboon: "The Plaid Powerhouse will have The Four Corners with him, you
    can count on that.  The Big Kahuna is in for a fight."

Reaper: "They say history repeats itself...  Well Crusher I guess they're right,
    cause I'm gonna bury you.  Again!"

Wince: "The Crusher vs. The Reaper!  Right here, in just a few minutes!
    I can hardly wait!"

Erik: "Team Supreme, it's time to see what you masked men are really
    made of."

Daemon: "You should know that to wear a mask, you should be called
    Something Machine."

Erik: "So now we'll call you Big & Ugly Machine,"

Daemon: "And Bigger & Uglier Machine!"

Erik: "See you at ringside."

Baboon: "That's another big match for this week, The Hoosiers against
    Big and Ugly and Bigger and Uglier!"

Wince: "I understand The Law are feeling better, after that attack by
    The Hoosiers.  Let's go to them."

Dredd: "You know, in all of this federation, there are not more than two men who
    can't get it through their thick skulls that the WeWF tag belts belong
    around these waist."

Anderson: "And those two men are Erik and Daemon, The Loser Hoosiers.  Well
    juves, come the next Supercard you're gonna find out the hard way."

Dredd: "Cause no one is above....."

Both: "THE LAW!!!!"

Dredd: "No one!"

Wince: "It certainly sounds like that Supercard match is shaping up, but
    what about The Law teaming with The Highlanders against Wyld Stallyons
    and Apocalypse Now?"

Baboon: "This match is full of questions.  Hopefully I'll find the answers
    to them later, when I talk to The General."

Metal: "Johnny Granite, you might have been able to tie me up on the
    outside of the ring during our last encounter, but believe me when I
    get hold of you again, you're gonna fade to black, I strongly dislike
    cheats and you're it, get ready to face me in the supercard, I CHALLENGE
    YOU TO BE A MAN FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR LIFE AND ENTER THE SQUARED
    CIRCLE WITH ME."

Wince: "That was a challenge, plain and simple!  Metal is challenging Granite!"

Baboon: "We haven't heard much from Granite lately, so I don't know if
    he'll accept."

Wince: "Take it away, Green Jean!"

Green Jean: "With me now is The Crusher, and his manager, Simon Bolendorf!"

The Crusher: "Well, you know you're close to the top when people start
    challenging you instead of the other way around.  The Maniacs let their
    guard down.  They lost their belts as a result.  But Simon here has
    taken care of that problem... the Klingons are going to pay, but
    that's not what I'm here to talk about.  First we have to take care
    of The General.  He and his Loser Hoosiers couldn't handle us, so
    he had to get a 4th man.  And now we have this "Natural" Crusty
    Rustin Nose and the KingKongs.  If you want a piece of us, you've
    got it...  You'll remember it for a while!"

Wince: "That could easily be another Supercard match!  As he promised,
    Baboon has gone off to interview The General.  Baboon?"

Baboon: "This is Baboon Tempest here with the General.  You issued a
    hefty challenge to the Grim Reaper and the LAW.  Do you think
    that they will accept?"

General: "I hope those pansies (Hey, this is PG-13) accept.  It's about
    time that we get them into the ring."

Machiavelli: "HELL YES, WE ACCEPT!"

Wince: "Oh no!  I certainly hope The General is alright.  He has a title
    match coming up!  Here's what happened in this week's matches:"

Singles:

The Big Kahuna over The Plaid Powerhouse.
The Plaid Powerhouse over "The Natural" Rustin Nose.
BudMan over "The Natural" Rustin Nose.
DiMadmMan over "The Natural" Rustin Nose.
The Red Baron over The Terminator.
The Crusher over Tom "The Animal" Brown in a Brass Knuckles match.
Metal over Mr. B.
The Grim Reaper over The Crusher.
The Crusher over "The Natural" Rustin Nose.
The Red Baron over "The Natural" Rustin Nose.
Metal over The Red Baron.

Tag Team:

The Intoxicators over The Wyld Stallyons.
The Highlanders over Apocalypse Now.
The Hoosiers over The Law.
Hoosiers over Team Supreme.
Team Supreme over Apocalypse Now.

Wince: "Tough week for Rustin Nose!  It's time for The General's US Title
    match against Bjorn "The Swedish Pretzel."  Let's go down to ringside."

Vague: "The General is coming to ringside with a heavily bandaged head...
    Listen to the ovation, Rusty!"

Rusty: "Sure, Lord Winfred, they're cheering The General, but he is in no
    condition to wrestle.  This should be an easy title defense for
    Bjorn."

Vague: "Bjorn must think so too; look at him strut around the ring."

Rusty: "The Hoosiers are watching The General.  I think Daemon is telling
    him not to wrestle, but The General is going to anyway!"

Vague: "What intestinal fortitude!  But Bjorn suplexes The General!  That
    could be all!"

Rusty: "One, two, kickout!  Bjorn drops a knee on The General's head!  Ouch!"

Vague: "But The General kicks out again!  Now Bjorn is going to the top
    rope...  He's going for a big fistdrop!"

Rusty: "The General rolls away!  Bjorn wasn't taking the match seriously
    enough, and now he's in trouble!"

Vague: "The General lifts him up and gives him a brainbuster!  One, two,
    three!  What an upset!"

Rusty: "Here is your winner, and NEW US CHAMPION, The General!"

Vague: "A stunned Bjorn is making his way back to the dressing room, but
    here comes Tom "The Animal" Brown!  He was hiding in the crowd!"

Rusty: "Brown is all over Bjorn!  And Dr. Down-Under is on a rampage
    with TWO TASER's!  He zaps The General!  And he zaps Smooth!"

Vague: "The Hoosiers are after him, so he escapes back into the crowd!"

Rusty: "Tom "The Animal" Brown lifts Bjorn up and brainbusters him ON
    THE STEEL RAILING!"

Vague: "You don't get up from that one!  Brown escapes into the crowd!  The
    Animal Liberation Front members are screening him from would-be persuers!"

Wince: "I don't believe it!  The General wins the match, despite a serious
    injury, and Tom Brown causes some grievous bodily harm to Bjorn!"

Baboon: "Do you think Bjorn will be feeling well enough for the Supercard
    match?"

Wince: "I don't know, Baboon.  We'll have to wait and find out.  Right now,
    let's go to Green Jean."

Green Jean: "Well Simon, it seems like The Maniacs were taken by surpise
    last week!"

Simon Bolendorf:  "Well well well.... the Klingons are back.  I thought
    I smelled something.  Well guys, The Maniacs were nice to you
    last week... This week they're not only going to beat you, they're
    going to send you back where you came from!"

Maniac #2: "Yeaaaahhhh boyyyyyzzzzzz...."

Simon Bolendorf:  "Sorry Green Jean, he forgot to take his
    medicine this morning..."

Baboon: "Now let's go to pre-recorded comments from WeWF World Tag Team
    Champions The Klingons!"

(Scene: the Trekkies' dressing room after the Klingons' World tag-team title
 victory over the Maniacs.  The Romulan Mauler and The Ultimate Lanny are
 showering the new champs with champaign.)

Green Jean: "I am now in the dressing room area with the new WeWF Tag-team
    champions, the Klingons, and their partners; Admiral Chekov, what are
    your comments?"

Chekov: "Green Jean, you saw it just like we did: the Ultimate Lanny and
    the Klingons went from nothing to the top of the  world, and Trekkiemania
    is sweeping the whole Internet!"

Green Jean: "Admiral, is it true that your Klingons and The Natural, Rustin
    Nose will team up at the next SuperCard?"

Chekov: "Hum... I don't think so, Green Jean. The Natural is a fine youg
    man, but he is not of major-league caliber as of yet.  The only reason for
    his being in the WeWF at all, at such an early stage in his career, is
    Rusty Nose's influence on the board of directors...  No, we have some
    other projects for the SuperCard..."

Green Jean: "Which are?"

Chekov: "We hope to STILL be the World tag-team champions and to defend the
    belts against David Lightfinger's cronies, the New Gods.  They aren't worth
    sh*t right now, and they will be worth even less when we are through with
    them!  Lightfinger, the problems of the NeWA prevented my Klingons from
    going to YOUR territory; we will just have to wipe you out of this one.
    The Ultimate Trekkies always prevail!"

Green Jean: "Well, thank you Admiral; let's go back to Baboon and Wince."

Vague: "The two teams are starting off cautiously...  Klingon Disrupter
    ties up with Maniac 1, I guess, and the Maniac forces Disrupter to
    the ropes by the hair."

Rusty: "The referee asks for a clean break, but Maniac 1 punches Disrupter,
    but Disrupter pushes Maniac 1, almost knocking him across the ring!"

Vague: "What power!  Maniac 2 tags in, and he rakes Disrupter's eyes.  He
    tags out to Maniac 1, who dropkicks the big Klingon."

Rusty: "They're showing the teamwork that made them champions!"

Vague: "Klingon Phaser is going crazy waiting to get in there!  A Maniac
    slaps him in the face!  While the referee is trying to keep Phaser
    out of the ring, The Maniacs have a chance to do some dirty work."

Rusty: "But Disrupter bangs their heads together!  He tags Phaser in, and
    body slams a Maniac!"

Vague: "Klingon Phaser from the top rope...  Klinshai Bombing!  That diving
    headbutt will put anybody out!  One, two, three!  A successful title
    defense for The Klingons!"

Wince: "The Klingons retain the belts!  They could be on their way to
    a long reign."

Baboon: "Now it's time for our World Title match.  Last week The Sandman
    beat Steelgrave by countout, but this week could be a different story.
    Let's go to pre-recorded comments from The Sandman."

[Roll Tape]

The screen is black for a few moments.  It then resolves into a darkened room.
Steelgrave sleeps in one corner.  He begins to moan, quietly at first, then
louder and louder as he starts to thrash about, tossing and turning.  Suddenly
he lets out a yell, and sits bolt upright in bed, sweating slightly.

Sandman: "Hmmmmmm... not my best piece of work, but a job well done..."

Death: "Whatcha gonna give him tomorrow night, Dream?  Huh?  Huh?"

Sandman: "I think perhaps the Corinthean will visit him tomorrow night, and the
    night after that, I will take his belt..."

Vague: "The two wrestlers are going at it toe to toe!  Steelgrave decks
    The Sandman!"

Rusty: "And Steelgrave is choking The Sandman out!"

Vague: "Sandman rolls away and stops to talk to his sister... Death."

Rusty: "Steelgrave is coming closer, and The Sandman turns around and kicks
    him!  That didn't seem to have any effect!"

Vague: "And now Steelgrave is going for a piledriver!  He nailed it!  He
    goes for the cover, but Death puts The Sandman's foot on the ropes!"

Rusty: "Steelgrave whips The Sandman off the ropes and gives him a big
    back body drop!  Now he grabs Sandman by the throat and forces him back
    into a corner!"

Vague: "The Sandman is having the life choked out of him!  He's trying
    to break free, but his blows are having no effect!"

Rusty: "Death hands him a chair!  The Sandman hits Steelgrave with the chair!"

Vague: "That barely had any effect!  Sandman rolls out of the ring and
    is gasping for air."

Rusty: "The referee disqualifies The Sandman for using that chair!  Steelgrave
    is the winner!"

Baboon: "Steelgrave wins by DQ!  Let's see what matches have been signed
    for the October Supercard on Wednesday:"

Mr. B vs. The Red Baron
         in a lumberjack chain match

The General and The Hoosiers vs. The Grim Reaper and The Law
         in a Steel Man match

Apocalypse Now and The Wyld Stallons vs. The Highlanders and The Intoxicators
         in a three falls match

Wince: "That's all?"

Baboon: "Yep.  So long everybody, see you Wednesday!"

WeWF Wrestler Rankings

World Champion: Steelgrave (6-1)                          52
US Champion: The General (6-2)                            51

Tag Team Champions: The Klingons (6-2)                    50

Individuals

1. The Sandman (5-1)                                     42
 2. The Millionaire (5-3)                                 37
 3. Bjorn "The Swedish Pretzel" (4-2)                     29
 4. The Big Kahuna (4-3)                                  28
 5. The Plaid Powerhouse (5-2)                            25
 6. The Crusher (4-3)                                     22
 7. Mr. Roddy (4-3)                                       22
 8. Metal (2-0-1)                                         21
 9. The Grim Reaper (3-2)                                 13
10. BudMan (1-0)                                           9
11. DiMadMan (1-0)                                         8
12. The Red Baron (2-2)                                    1
13. Tom "The Animal" Brown (1-2)                          -7
14. The Natural, Rustin Nose (1-5)                       -19
15. Mr. B (1-7)                                          -19
16. The Terminator (0-7)                                 -40

Tag Teams

1. The Maniacs (7-2)                                     61
 2. The Hoosiers (6-4)                                    44
 3. The Highlanders (4-1)                                 29
 4. The Law (3-1)                                         15
 5. Intoxicators (1-0)                                     8
 6. Team Supreme (5-3)                                     7
 7. RnR (3-3)                                              6
 8. The Wyld Stallyons (3-6)                              -2
 9. Apocalypse Now (2-5)                                 -10