UEFL: Satellite Division Session B Newsletter From: jbillone@jarthur.claremont.edu (Jeremy Billones) Date: Sun, 03 Nov 1991 22:14:49 +0000 Satellite Division Newsletter Session B LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash EB Inuvik Ancient Vikings 10 5 1 0 31 8 5 3 220 BOTH Norwegian Conspiracy 8 4 2 0 24 9 5.5 3 352 EB SFWA Hawks 8 3 1 2 19 9 3 3 288 EB Amazing Leaping Lemmings 7 3 2 1 17 12 3 4 252 EB Baggins Myrth 7 3 2 1 11 26 4 5 278 EB Tubeway United 3 1 4 1 11 18 3 4 119 EB Yungsten Yahoos 3 1 4 1 12 24 2 3 244 SC Lions 2 1 5 0 3 22 1 5 429 Roster Moves: Inuvik Ancient Vikings cut Simon Peacekeeper (DF) and Eric Nelson (DF), and sign Angmar Reykjavik (DF) and Fjord Hanko (DF) from the minors. Baggins Myrth cuts Hoar Indin (DF) and signs Ishe Ghandi (SW) from the minors. The Norwegian Conspiracy signs Andrew King (MF) from the minor leagues. The Yungsten Yahoos sign Ike Issen (DF) from the minor leagues. Tubeway United signs Thomas Dolby (MF) from the minor leagues. Press: ********News from Lemmings-ville******************* Manager Sargent, of the Amazing Leaping Lemmings, wishes to point out that there is nothing wrong with having a home field on the top of the cliff. It seems to unnerve opposition goal keepers, but what the heck. The floating stands with a capacity of 200,000 nearly full with wildly cheering fans for each match adds excitement, and the sight of spectators plunging 2700 metres (it is held in Lemmings-ville) to their death (and glory) at every home goal distracts the outfielders enough. Each match, management (thats me!) draws a number of ticket numbers, corresponding to the number of goals The Lemmings score, and those lucky spectators get to plummett, and become sporting legends. They also recieve free tickets to every home game for ten years (for their next of kin) truly a prize worth having. So come on, turn up an support the Lemmings, and etch your name (and yourself) as a true leaper. One truly great family, the Gymnast Lemmings, have had 7 generations leap to their death celebrating a goal. Truly legendary. The Amazing Leaping Lemmings are negotiating with the red cross, in order to have a sponsorship. The blood of the leaping supporters will be given, to be put to good use,and the sponsors will see to ground maintenance (rumour has it that the field is very slippery....) and players food and accomodation. Our GoalKeepers will also wear a white uniform with a large red cross. This has the strange effect of enabling them to make more saves as the ball seems to go straight to them ..... I wish to thank the fans for the match against the SFWA hacks, when they all shouted out in unison, 'It was a dark and stormy night' and the writers stopped and looked dumbfounded, it gave the Lemmings the chance they needed to stop a potentially dangerous attack. Star Midfielder Rezvani has complained of minor ear aches after being blasted by a saxophone at close range while visiting those rock musicians, and is glad that he played a vital part in that game. Manager Sargent would like to thank Norwegian Conspiracy for the free beer and is glad that Norwegians dont realise that Lemmings drink 'Lemmings Leaps' which is a fearful concoction of Vodka,Gin and Malibu, and so beer doesnt effect them. Manager Sargent wishes to thank yungsten for cleaning up the mess made by that horrible cow, but wishes to point out that the next time it happens the cow goes for THE DROP, which should supply lots of blood for our sponsors. Rumour has it that a copy of 'FootFall' was thrown off the edge during the SFWA match angering Pournelle and Niven. (this was the original copy, 'souvenired' from Pournelle's office three days before the game by the infamous Naught Nick Lemming.) How it came in the Amazing Leaping Lemmings possesion is unknown. Management denies all responsibility, but it did get a good response for the crowd. *******Watch this space for more********************* Inuvik Free Press: Inuvik was the scene of a mass riot after the success of the Inuvik Ancient Viking's first session. When it was all over, Victory, the polar bear mascot, had been painted ice- and royal- blue to match the team's colours. The Vikings go into Yungsten determined not to give the Yahoos their first win of the season. "Come on, " stammered Coach Jon Bjorn Erikson, "a cow for a mascot? What pansies. We Vikings have a fierce and manly polar bear mascot." When a reporter pointed out what Victory was attempted to do to Clarabell, Coach Erikson quickly ran over to intervene. Against the Conspiracy, team captain Mathias Mohr had this to say: "We're the Vikings. If there was a conspiracy, don't you think we'd know about it?" The Yungsten Yahoos are ready for a *real* session now that that practice match is out of the way. I still think we could have done better last week if the jerk in the black shirt who wouldn't let us use our hand had mentioned that the Goalie *does* get to use his hands. What a stupid rule. Of course now that ol' Greg knows that he can use his hands, I expect him to block a goal of three this session. As for those silly Lemmings havin' problems with ol' Clarabell, if they hadn't gone and made their bathrooms so darn small, she wouldn't of had to go out in the field. PRESS: The sight of 200K lemmings and the cliff that reminded Niven of MountLookItThat were almost too much for even the Hacks to handle. Pournelle, in particular, was heard to mutter about the mint copy of Footfall that seemed to have been ritually sacrificed. Ben-Gurion was impressed but claimed that the ritual suicides that followed ALL goals was nothing compared to the old Beirut Blast celebrations. The Hacks are looking forward to Session C after a road trip that included SCL and the Lemmings and a home game against some fantasy realm. Press. Baggin's Myrth (UPI) -the happy town of hobbittown waves goodbye to its 2 and 1 football stars as they play two games on the road this session. THe question in everybody's mind is was it the homefield advantage which gave the Myrth the edge for victory. The Management has managed to scrape up enough money to provide free drinks of Ambrosia to fans at the home game against the beer guzzling Norwegian Conspiracy. "We will not be undersold by a team of paranoid surface dwellers," said the trainer Moldor. The rest of the team was packing and unavailable to the press. Rumor also has it that a new player has been added to the Myrth. ------------------- Session B deadline is on Tuesday, November 12th, at 2PM Eastern. Any manager who submits their lineups before 1PM Eastern on Sunday Nov 10th will receive an "Early Bird" bonus of 0.5 CPs. Session C: match 07: SCL @ TU ALL @ BM NC @ YY IAV @ SFWA match 08: ALL @ SCL TU @ NC BM @ IAV SFWA @ YY match 09: SCL @ NC IAV @ ALL SFWA @ TU YY @ BM (reminder: visitors @ home) ******************************************************************************** Match 1 ******************************************************************************** Norwegian Conspiracy vs Baggins Myrth 16- 0 20- 0 Johansen (5) Arild (3) Buvang (2) Pournaras (2) Stark (2) Daniloff (1) Schjefstad (1) Laffer (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs Yungsten Yahoos 4 - 0 11- 1 Yordan (2) Calrellian (1) Sabre (1;bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs SC Lions 3 - 0 3 - 0 Ben-Gurion (1) Dickson (1) Tom (1) Pohl [inj;spr] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Tubeway United 3 - 3 11- 6 Rezvani (2) Gahan (1) F. Fred L. (1) Marr (1) F. Frank L. (bk) Ure (1) Cann (bk) Karn (bk) Lidyard (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 2 ******************************************************************************** Baggins Myrth vs SFWA Hawks 0 - 0 1 - 0 Fahdmutha (bk) Nasser (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 1 0 - 2 M. Michael L. (RC) Oygard (1) Z.P. Gumby (bk) B. Bob L. (bk) T. Tom L. (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tubeway United vs Inuvik Ancient Vikings 0 - 5 0 -10 Lidyard (bk) Khan (2) Calrellian (1) Croatia (1) Yordan (1) de Silva (bk) Qaddafi (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Yungsten Yahoos 0 - 5 0 -12 Ellis (2) Campbell (1;bk) Foster (1) Jordan (1) ******************************************************************************** Match 3 ******************************************************************************** Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 2 2 - 7 Buvang (1;bk) Oygard (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs Amazing Leaping Lemmings 0 - 2 0 - 7 Z.P. Gumby (1) A. Adrian L. (1) A. Andrew L. (bk) M. Michael L. (bk) S. Sam L. (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baggins Myrth vs SC Lions 4 - 1 7 - 1 S. Falk (3) Lecheval (1) E. Falk (1) Ghandi (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yungsten Yahoos vs Tubeway United 0 - 5 3 - 7 Foster (bk) Cann (2) Currie (1) Jourgensen (1) Ure (1) Fletcher (bk) ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up