UEFL: Satellite Division Newsletter - Session C From: billoj@aix.rpi.edu (Jeremy Louis Billones) Date: Tue, 19 Nov 1991 13:51:21 +0000 LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash EB Inuvik Ancient Vikings 14 7 2 0 41 16 4.5 3 334 BOTH Norwegian Conspiracy 13 6 2 1 28 9 5 3 437 EB SFWA Hawks 10 4 3 2 32 22 2 3 384 EB Amazing Leaping Lemmings 9 4 4 1 30 24 2 3 198 DUDE Yungsten Yahoos 8 3 4 2 23 31 4 3 436 EB Baggins Myrth 7 3 5 1 16 42 1.5 4 104 EB Tubeway United 7 3 5 1 19 24 3.5 4 249 EB SC Lions 4 2 7 0 10 31 2 5 536 Roster Moves: Safety in Numbers sends Larry Wilson (SW) to the SC Lions for Felix Pansy (MF). Several other trades have been offered, but not confirmed. SFWA Hawks cut J. Verne (MF). Baggins Myrth cuts Sargo Samhain (DF) and Bolo Storm (FW). They sign Frodo (DF) and Lightfoot (MF) from the minor leagues. Amazing Leaping Lemmings sign Vicious Vic Lemming (DF) from the minor leagues and, er, umm... remove Mad Mark Lemming (MF) from their active roster [see press for the gory details]. Press: ********News from Lemmings-ville******************* Relations between IAV and ALL have reached boiling point after the Vikings visit to Cliff Top Stadium. Manager Sargent is quite puzzled how 10 people weren't injured. It was a blood bath. The crowd of 198,342 was a ground record as the top of the table team prepared to face the Lemmings, anxious to avenge their 6-7 loss in session A. Just before half time, there was hysterical laughter and screaming from the crowd, who arose as one to applaud a true hero. Mad Mark Lemming, a young midfielder who was unable to make the Lemmings starting lineup, decided that his glory would be in self sacrifice. Charging across the field (accidently knocking out a Vikings midfielder with a flying scissors kick to the head) he ran into a Royal and Ice blue Polar bear, knocking both the bear and himself down the 2700m drop to their death. Mad Mark Lemming, we will remember you. The Champion of the Lemming Nation. Management has given the $1k release fee to the relatives of Mark, and also the first ever life membership of Cliff Top Stadium to his family. Management denies the rumour that the polar bear death was due to numerous complaints of not disposing ClaraBell the Cow and claims that the Lemmings were soft. The Lemmings are not SOFT said Manager Sargent, refuting claims by irate spectators. We might be cute and cuddly, but are vicious to the last drop of blood. Reflecting the new Ruthless policy, the Lemmings signed Vicious Vic Lemming to liven up our defense. When asked on his signings preseason, Manager Sargent said that he was happy with most of them. We had to release Glogoff because his reflexes were just too slow, but most new recruits were settling down quite nicely into a team full of lemmings. Midfielders Rezvani and Z.P. Gumby in particular have scored lots of goals (although Rezvani missed a sitter in session B against Tubeway (he complained of an earache)) Otie Ngumbo has not settled in as nicely as was hoped, but big things are expected of him in the near future. It is pleasing to see Lemmings score goals in central for Wainscotting. In a scathing attack against the refereeing standards in the session B match against the Conspiracy, Manager Sargent said that Marvellous Michael Lemming should not have been sent off. It was a case of mistaken identity. His sending off resulted in the Norwegians getting a lucky goal and escape with a win. The referee also booked Marvellous Michael Lemming in the last match, and I am sure it is something personal between the refs and him. As to the so called tough man,Qaddafi, you are a wimp, no wonder Beirut Blast didnt want you anymore. Abu Nidal remembers your exploits and chuckles. On the road trips to SC Lions and Middle Earth, not much happened except for the accidental fire at SC Stadium, killing 200 spectators. Flaming Ferdinand Lemming immediately denied responsibility. Police are investigating IRA possibilities.In middle earth, things were quite wrong. Bilbos house was raided by Naught Nick Lemming who stole Gandalf's staff and Bilbos ring. Last seen in Lemmings-ville, Nick was running away from local police, saying 'yesss My precioussss' to something in his hand. The Lemmings are at a loss to explain their poor road form, but suggest it is because of the lack of altitude. Starting from session D, management will instruct players to where air filters over their mouth, to simulate high altitude by lack of Oxygen. ************Watch this space for more********************* This news bulletin proudly brought to you by the Red Cross, sponsors of the Amazing Leaping Lemmings ************Watch this space for more********************* Inuvik Free Press: Once again the Vikings play on the road this session. Coach Jon Bjorn Erikson and the gang were in good spirits (Scotch, etc.). "We don't mind these away games," explained Coach Erikson. "In fact, we kinda prefer them. It's so damn cold in Inuvik, why did they have to make it an open-air stadium anyway?" When a reporter pointed out that Vikings face three top opponents this session, Coach Erikson almost sobered up. Then he had the reporter tossed off the bus and downed some grog. Michael Yordan, the leading goal scorer in the Satellite Division, hopes to continue the trend this week. "Look for me to score at least two goals. And kids, if you want to play like me, better eat your Wheaties!" Victory, the polar bear mascot, is doing well in Inuvik General Hospital after a nasty accident at the Lemmings game. Seems a crazed Lemming player took his life by jumping over the cliff and tried to take Victory with him. Luckily, Victory landed on a small ledge only a few hundred meters down, and survived. Coach Erikson assured the Viking fans that Victory would indeed be present at the next match, albeit in a full body cast. This foul deed by the Lemmings so infuriated Muammar Qaddafi that he aided several Lemming fans in their ritual dive over the cliff. He was also involved in a fierce scuffle with former (Beirut Blast) teammate Abu Nidal during the half-time intermission. Press: Having played against a fantasy realm, at a lemming-infested mountain top and in Ireland in the last session, the members of the SFWA are considering switching to writing westerns. "The real world is too weird!", the coach said ..." I mean, we expected to be chasing SCL, not a bunch of drunken nordic types!" SOMEWHERE IN NORWAY (Daily Cr*p) - As expected, the Conspiracy have been very quiet after Player-Manager Arild's scandalous press conference last week. But an anonymous player, Larry L. (the name has been changed to protect the innocent), has revealed to us that they've actually been too busy preparing for their home match against the Lions this session. According to Larry, they've been putting raw meat all over the field. "As we all know, Lions can't resist such food", Larry claimed, "After all, they did *say* that on TV last week!". Larry did fortunately not have more time to speak with us, as he had to pick up his son, Bart Laffer, in the Zoo. Baggins (UPI) - Astounded by lastweeks 16 to zero loss (and the rule change) Coach Frost has decided to enlist some new talent. And even out the playing field a little more. This week at the two homegames there will be a special on Lemming Legs. All attendees will be given a coupon good for two for one at the concession stand. When asked for pregame comments Coach Frost responded by giving a rasberry to the press corps. The front office was a little more open and the General mangager Mordor was quoted as "PPPPHHHHTTTTT." Frodo the newest member of the team said, "The Myrth have treated me very well. Some of those elves are a little touchy but boy have they got great legs." Look for more home game specials in the near future... ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Out here in Yungsten, we have a new weapon to use against y'all. Bob Bailey dug up the 1924 Guide to European Football, and it has a section in the back on strategy. We put it up to a vote, and the whole team agreed that we should use some, so watch out y'all cuz the Yahoos mean business!!! The book said we would had the thoughts of the best and brightest players and coaches around, including many brand spankin' new developemnets. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- Free Agents: 1) Age 0 SL 1 SW 2) Age 0 SL 4 MF 3) Age I SL 6 DF 4) Age I SL 6 DF You get a total of 4 bids, which may be separate, multiple, conditional, whatever. You *must* include a name for the player. Session D deadline is on Friday, November 22nd, at 2PM Eastern. Any manager who submits their lineups before 8PM Eastern on Wednesday Nov 20th will receive an "Early Bird" bonus of 0.5 CPs. Session D: match 10: IAV @ SCL NC @ SFWA ALL @ YY BM @ TU match 11: SCL @ SFWA YY @ IAV BM @ NC TU @ ALL match 12: YY @ SCL SFWA @ BM IAV @ TU NC @ ALL ******************************************************************************** Match 1 ******************************************************************************** Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs SFWA Hawks 2 - 5 2 - 7 Durnham (1;bk) Dickson (2) Reykjavik (1) Bujold (1) Piper (1) Tom (1) Matz (bk) Pohl (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yungsten Yahoos vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 0 0 - 0 Ronning (RC) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Baggins Myrth 6 - 1 6 - 3 Rezvani (2;1pen) S. Falk (1) L. Leroy L. (2;RC) Achalla (bk) B. Bob L. (1) Greylock (bk) A. Andrew L. (bk) Ironbrand (bk) V. Vic L. (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Tubeway United 0 - 2 3 - 2 Hastur (bk) Currie (1) Kennaday (bk) Gore (1) Servison (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 2 ******************************************************************************** Baggins Myrth vs Inuvik Ancient Vikings 1 - 4 1 - 5 S. Falk (1) Yordan (3) Beltane (bk) Mohr (1) D. Falk (bk) S. Steve L. (bk) Westwood (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tubeway United vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 2 0 - 5 Johansen (2) King (RC) Laffer (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs Yungsten Yahoos 4 - 5 4 - 5 Cherryh (1) Harding (2;bk) Fahdmutha (1) Jordan (2) Pohl (1) Richards (1) Pournelle (1) Nasser (RC) Thurman (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs SC Lions 4 - 7 12-11 Rezvani (4) Dragonwing (2;1pen) F. Frank L. (1) Appert (2) S. Sam L. (RC) Martin (2) D. David L. (bk) Lecheval (bk) Leapov (bk) O'Leary (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 3 ******************************************************************************** Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs Amazing Leaping Lemmings 4 - 2 7 - 5 Calrellian (2) M. Michael L. (1) Mohr (1) Z.P. Gumby (1pen) Yordan (1) A. Adrian L. (bk) Qaddafi (bk) D. David L. (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 2 0 - 9 Escilla (bk) [inj;spr] Oygard (2) Nolsotny (bk) O'Leary (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs Tubeway United 4 - 6 9 -10 Fahdmutha (3) Gardiner (2) Stryker (1) Marr (2) Cherryh (bk) Lidyard (1) Dickson (bk) Sumner (1) Heinlein (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yungsten Yahoos vs Baggins Myrth 6 - 3 9 - 4 Campbell (2) DeThorpe (2) Anchor (1) Baker (1) Issen (1) McLuther (bk) Kisser (1;bk) Pering (1) ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up