The Summit of E-Wrestling Day 4

From: supermeo@cs.mcgill.ca (Francois LARAMEE)

Date: Tue, 31 Dec 1991 05:13:37 +0000

The Summit of E-Wrestling, Day 4
--- ------ -- ------------ --- -

Lord Winfred: "Hello again, everyone, and welcome to the Legion Field in
  Birmingham, Alabama, home of Bear Bryant, the Birmingham Fire of the
  WLAF, and for one night, home of the best e-wrestlers on the net!
  We have a spectacular card to present, including some UeWF Tournament
  and a BIG match for the Ultimate Heavyweight Title! Without further
  hesitation, let's go to ringside, where Mark DeMandable and Vince
  McMayonnaise are waiting for us!"

********************************************************************

Vince: 'Welcome back to what promises to be a truly spectacular second round of
	the tag team tournament!'

DeMandable: 'It's only one match McMayonaisse, what's so spectacular about that?
	Other than the fact that I don't have to put up with your presence so
	long today.'

Vince: 'What's so spectacular? We've got the #1 and #3 ranked tag-teams in the
	federation butting heads here tonight! Let's get to Coward with the
	action...'

Coward: 'Ladies and Gentleman, this match will determine who will face The Armed
	Forces in the Championship Round for the UeWF World Tag Team
	Championships!  Introducing first, the #3 ranked tag-team in the UeWF,
	led to the ring by their manager, Lord Plunder, <'Born to Be Wild' kicks
	up on the speakers> Carnage!!!  <The crowd erupts into boos as the trio
	heads ringside> And their opponents....  THE #1 ranked tag team after
	three weeks of action..... accompanied to the ring by their manager,
	The Masked One, The team of Rage and Hate.....The Dangerous Emotions!
	<Rage and Hate are amazed when they come out tosome sporadic cheers, as
	opposed to the usual hateful boos.  This seems to set Rage off and he
	grabs a chair and starts threatening random people in the audience, but
	finally makes his way into the ring.>'

DeMandable: 'You know what Vince, I don't see this one being one of the bigger
	technical matchesof this tournament, or of this decade for that matter!'

Vince: 'And as if the amount of damage this guys do normally isn't enough, I'm
	sure The Dangerous Emotions are out to avenge last week's loss to
	Carnage which almost knocked them out of first place.'

At the bell all four men charged across the ring and it was mayhem right from
the word go.  Rage met Crash in the middle of the ring and the two big men just
stood toe-toe exchanging thunderous blows, while Burn and Hate got tangled up
and toppled out of the ring.  When The Masked One tried to seperate the two men
Lord Plunder attacked him and soon it looked like something out of the Free
Birds/Kerry Von Erich Memorial tournament.  Outside the ring Plunder was
slamming The Masked One's head into the barrier until Hate broke away from Burn
and bulldogged Plunder on the concrete floor putting him out for the duration.
Meanwhile, inside the ring Crash whipped Rage off the rope and went for the
shoulderblock, but neither man went down.  Both men bounced of the ropes and
there was a thunderous collision center ring, but again no one went down.  Once
again they bounced off the ropes, but this time Rage stepped aside and kicked
Crash's knee out from under him, sending his opponent sprawling to the canvas.
Rage dragged Crash into his corner and while Hate was distracting the referee
pulled an International Object out of his tights and split Crash's forehead open
in a move that would've made Abdullah the Butcher proud.  Rage then tagged out
to Hate who immediately went to work on Crash's knee.  After a couple of kicks
Crash could barely stand and Rage nailed him with a piledriver.  He went for the
pin but Burn was there in time to make the save with a boot to the back.  Hate
took exception and he began exchanging blows with Burn, driving him back into
corner and then whipping him all the way across the ring into the far
turnbuckle.  He tried to followthrough with a big splash, but Crash threw
himself into Hate's legs as he was halfway across the ring and Hate too went
down holding a knee.  Both men crawled to their corners and made the tag to
their partners, and Burn and Rage charged right at each other.  Burn was quicker
and he landed a picture-perfect dropkick that sent Rage sailing.  He tried to
follow up with an elbow drop, but Rage rolled away and after he had gotten up
began to kick at his opponent, striking him in the nose and drawing blood from
Burn.  Burn rolled out of the ring to try and get a breather and check his nose,
but Rage was hot on his tails and when Crash tried to follow The Masked One
snuck up on him from behind and clipped him in the back of the knee with a
chair.  Rage hurled Burn back into the ring and made the tag to Hate.  With,
Crash still holding his knee in agony, Lord Plunder barely conscious on the ring
floor, Burn didn't stand a chance.  Rage and Hate nailed him with not one, but
two trips through the Veg-O-Matic and got the pin for the win.

Vince: 'Well that means tomorrow, we'll have the finals between Armed Forces and
	The Dangerous Emotions, as well as The Iron Lady tournament to determine
	Ladies tag team champions. Should be an exciting day.'

DeMandable: 'Indeed it should, I don't know who to complain about...They all
	STINK!'

Vince: 'Oh please.'

********************************************************************

Lord Winfred: "Thank you gentlemen! We'll see you again tomorrow, before
  the Slick Ric tournament. Now, it's time to get some comments from
  the Nose family, Rusty and Rustin, who will be facing the Hoosiers in
  just a few minutes. Green Jean Oktoberfest in standing by in the
  locker room."

********************************************************************

Green Jean: "Thank you, your lordship. Well, it's been a long time since
  we last saw you in the ring, Rusty; and Rustin's record in the WeWF was
  scarcely better than that of the Unknown Masked Wrestler, or even
  <gulp> Sasquatch. Do you really think that you can beat the top team
  in the WeWF, The Hoosiers?"

Rusty: "Lemme tell ya sometin, Grean Jane... Me an' mah boy, right heah,
  we got sumtin in common that tah Hooooosiers will never get: blood,
  Grean Jane, we got BLOOD in cuman."

Rustin: "That's right, an' we're gonna taste THEIR blood before the night
  is ovah!"

Green Jean: "Pretty strong words, gentlemen... Well, good luck anyway! Let's
  go to the ring."

***********************************************************************

Wince: "Thanks Green Jean; it's my turn to say hello to all the e-wrestling
  fans out there; I'm Wince McLady, with our analyst for the duration of
  the summit, Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta, but our cohort Baboon Tempest is
  nowhere to be seen!"

Jimmy: "The summit officials probably had him tied and gagged somewhere in
  the basement until Rusty Nose gets out of the building!"

Wince: "Yeah, you may be right; after all, these two don't really get along."

Jimmy: "'Don't get along'? Wake up McLady! Baboon beat up Rusty with a 2x4
  at the WeWF Team Challenge Series battle royal! They HATE each other! They
  DESPISE each other! They want to KILL each other!"

Wince: "That may be a bit strong, here, but I agree that inviting Baboon
  and Rusty to the same party is roughly equivalent to placing a half-dozen
  land mines at random locations under the living room carpet!"

Jimmy: "Oh, you are SO poetic!"

Wince: "Why, Thanks!... We are ready to resume action, so let's hear from
  Coward Pickle!"

Coward Pickle: "This next contest is a special tag-team attraction, scheduled
  for one fall, with a 20-minute time-limit! Introducing first...
  Coming down the aisle with their manager The General... and also
  accompanied by Baboon Tempest... From Bloomington, Indiana... At a total
  combined weight of 497 pounds... Here are the WeWF World tag-team
  champions, Erik and Daemon... THE HOOOOOOOSIERS!!!!"

Coward: "And their opponents... From Austin, Maryland (!), at a total
  combined weight of 515 pounds, here are Rusty... and Rustin... NOOOOSE!"

Wince: "It looks like this match isn't generating much heat!"

Jimmy: "Aw, no kidding! I don't understand why so many people are leaving
  their seats; I mean, they could actually miss the beginning of the NEXT
  match, if they spend more than 29 seconds at the hot-dog stands!"

Wince: "Aw, come on, give the Hoosiers some credit!"

Jimmy <staring at the ceiling in disbelief>: "Somehow, your stupidity never
  ceases to amaze me!"

Wince: "And we're under way... Big Erik will open the hostilities against
  Rustin Nose... They lock up... And Erik tosses Rustin right back into
  his corner, much to the General's and Baboon's delight!"

Jimmy: "And Rustin tags right out to his old man!"

Wince: "Erik locks up with Rusty, spins him around, and delivers a stunning
  atomic drop to big Rusty's abundant behind!... Erik pulls Rusty up by
  the hair and smashes his face in Daemon's corner... Tag by the Hoosiers,
  and Daemon nails Rusty with a karate chop... And a standing dropkick that
  sends Rusty flying through the ropes and... HE JUST LANDED RIGHT ON BABOON
  TEMPEST!"

Jimmy: "Oh, oh! I don't think that I want to see this..."

Wince: "The General grabs a chair and WHAM! Down goes Rusty Nose again... And
  Baboon tosses him back into the ring!"

Jimmy: "Rusty is not very much alive, and he is losing his color!"

Wince: "Oh, puh-LEASE!.. Daemon makes the tag... Erik stomps on Rusty, tags
  Daemon again AND PUTS RUSTY ON HIS SHOULDERS!!! IT'S THE HOOSIER
  HOMECOMING!"

Jimmy: "But Rusty TAKES ERIK DOWN WITH A HEAD SCISSOR AND DAEMON DROPKICKS
  THIN AIR!"

Wince: "MY GOD! I never thought that Rusty had that much ability inside him!"

Jimmy: "Rusty makes the tag, and Rustin goes to work on the downed Daemon...
  Big forearm smash to the sternum... And a leg drop... Rustin whips Daemon
  into the ropes... Back body drop, but Daemon lands on his feet and pulls
  down Rustin's shorts! <Crowd in shock!>... Rustin retreats to his corner
  and makes the tag!"

Wince: "And Daemon tags Erik, who locks up with Rusty and military presses
  him!... Erik bounces off the ropes... Shoulder block, and Rusty is reeling
  into a neutral corner... Daemon runs on the apron and clotheslines Rusty
  from outside!... Rusty is barely standing, and Erik pins him with a
  powerslam! One! Two! Three!"

Coward: "Here are your winners... The HOOOOOSIERS!!!"

Wince: "Here comes Baboon with a chair... He is going to clobber Rusty!"

Jimmy: "What is this, the Geriatrics Championship Match?"

Wince: "But Rustin pulls his daddy away just in time, and casts a mean
  look at the General and his cohorts! This one ain't over yet!"

Jimmy: "Well, Rusty looks pretty much over if you ask me!"

Wince: "We don't!"

Baboon: "Ahh, that feels better!"

Wince: "Don't you think that you went a little too far, there, Baboon?"

Baboon: "Time and time again, I told this bum that if he said 'Live and in
  cullah' one more time, I would make salami out of his overstuffed carcass.
  You can't say that he didn't have it coming!"

Wince: "Well...."

Baboon: "Never mind, we have other matches to attend to."

Coward: "And now... please welcome the leader of TNT Enterprises, Ace
  Diamond!"

[Ace comes down the aisle, goes over to the Presidents' Table and shakes hands
with all four E-federation presidents. He then enters the ring and grabs the
microphone.]

Ace Diamond: As many of you are aware, at the time this challenge was issued,
the two men involved were the _only_ men in all of E-wrestling to hold two
major belts from two separate federations at the same time. Since that time,
however, these men have losts their belts. This does not diminish their
accomplishments, and under the aegis of the four men seated at the presidents'
table, I continued to pursue this challenge. Ladies and gentlemen, the title
that these men are vieing for is not like the titles that these men have held.
This is not a title that can be taken away by normal means. This title denotes
supremacy in the ring, which is something only time can efface. Ladies and
gentlemen, this is the ULTIMATE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!

[Ace holds the belt high as all the fans cheer and take pictures. He then
leaves the ring and sits at the timekeeper's table with the belt in his
lap. The ring announcer then picks up the mike.]

Coward: "This next contest is scheduled for one fall, with a sixty minute
  time limit, and is for the Ultimate Heavyweight championship belt!...
  Introducing first...

Led to the ring by his manager, Caine... From Parts Unknown, Weight
  unknown... Here is The Living Machine... STEELGRAVE!!!"

And HIS OPPONENT!...

Accompanied to the ring by his manager, Jack Moran, the Man with the Plan,
  and by his partner Running Eagle Feather... From the badlands of Texas,
  weighing 240 pounds... Here is the Sheriff, Brewster Cogburn!"

Wince: "This is the big one, Baboon, for the Ultimate title... And here
  comes Ace Diamond; hello Ace! Grab a seat!"

Jimmy: "Oh, sure, invite him! Cut down even MORE on my airtime!"

Ace: "Thank you gentlemen... And you too, Vendetta..."

Baboon: "The referee signals the beginning of the match, and Steelgrave and
  the Sheriff lock up... Steelgrave pushes Cogburn back into the ropes, and
  clotheslines him over the top!"

Jimmy: "What poor sportsmanship!"

Baboon: "Steelgrave DIVES OVER THE TOP ROPE and splashes Cogburn!.. <crowd
  pops>... He picks up his opponent by the hair... And rams him into the
  ringpost! Look at Jack Moran; he is furious!"

Wince: "And Cogburn quickly retreats to his manager's corner and hides behind
  Running Eagle Feather <corwd boos>... Cogburn has regained his senses, and
  climbs back into the ring... Steelgrave wants to lock up again, but
  Cogburn puts him down with a drop toe hold, and applies a hammerlock...
  Cogburn is putting a lot of pressure on the Living Machine... Steelgrave
  reaches for the ropes, but Jack Moran pulls them away! <crowd boos>..."

Ace: "What a cheater!"

Baboon: "Cogburn drops a knee to Steelgrave's back, and stomps on his hands!"

Wince: "The referee reprimands Cogburn, and Jack Moran sneaks a cane shot
  to Steelgrave's throat! Caine is complaining to the ref, but to no avail;
  Moran chokes Steelgrave with the noose!"

Jimmy: "The KO Corral always knows how to handle things."

Baboon: "Yeah, right... Cogburn tosses Steelgrave over the top rope, and
  follows him to the floor... A stomp on Steelgrave, and BAM! A Bulldog
  Supreme!"

Jimmy: "Turn off the liiiigght, the parrrrty's oooooverrr!"

Wince: "Cogburn rolls back into the ring, and the referee counts Steelgrave
  out of the ring... 6, 7, 8, 9 and Brewster breaks the count! What for?"

Jimmy: "He wants to punish Steelgrave some more!"

Baboon: "Indeed, Cogburn jumps back out of the ring, pulls up Steelgrave
  by the hair, and rubs his face in the ringside barriers... Steelgrave is
  busted WIDE open... Cogburn picks up his opponent and he is coming this
  way..."

Cogburn: "Prepare MY BELT, Diamond BOY!"

Wince: "And BAAHJH*^&(T(^ZZZTZTTTTT!

Baboon: "My goodness! Look at Steelgrave... He is back on his feet! How can
  a man take that much punishment!"

Jimmy: "I gotta give Steelgrave credit; after a beating like the one he just
  took at the hands of the Sheriff, most men would have simply given up."

Baboon: "Cogburn locks up with Steelgrave, tosses him in the ropes...
  Leapfrog by Steelgrave... Crisscross... Cogburn drops down, and Steelgrave
  stops his momentum in time and splashes Cogburn! <Crowd pops>... Steelgrave
  places Cogburn's head between his knees... Neck twist! Cogburn is in pain!
  And Steelgrave tosses him into the corner, follows him in with a stinger
  splash!"

Jimmy: "The tide of the match has turned!"

Baboon: "And there goes Ace Diamond... he is walking towards Caine's corner
  with the Ultimate belt... Meanwhile, Steelgrave has put Cogburn in the
  torture rack... But Cogburn gets out with a thumb to the eye, and rakes
  the back of the Living Machine... Knee lift by Cogburn..."

Jimmy: "And there's the signal! He is going for the Bulldog Supreme!"

Baboon: "Ace Diamond climbs on the apron, and Brewster Cogburn applies the
  side headlock on Steelgrave... BANG!!! The Bulldog Supreme! Steelgrave is
  down, BUT ACE DIAMOND CLOBBERS COGBURN WITH THE BELT!"

Wince: "Cogburn is out cold, but he fell on top of Steelgrave!"

Jimmy: "Doesn't this remind you of something?"

Baboon: "Yeah, Cogburn always gets the lucky breaks... The referee is counting
 Steelgrave's shoulders on the mat! ONE! TWO! THREE!"

Coward: "The winner, and Ultimate Heavyweight Champion... Brewster Cogburn!"

Baboon: "Ace throws the belt on the limp Cogburn in disgust and walks away!..
  I think that both of these guys will need stretchers..."

Jimmy: "But the bottom line is that Brewster Cogburn is the Ultimate champ!"

**********************************************************************

The Sandman (WeWF) vs. The SandMan (UFWS)
         in a name match

Jimmy: "All right!  Now we're gonna see one of my personal favorites,
    The SandMan, wipe "The Sandman" out and take his name!"

Baboon: "I don't think so!  The Sandman of the WeWF can beat that imposter
    any day!"

Wince: "How are we going to tell them apart for our readers?"

Baboon: "Well, since the WeWF's Sandman is generally a good guy, let's call
    him the Good Sandman, and the UFWS's SandMan the Bad SandMan."

Wince: "OK, well here comes the Bad SandMan, and the fans don't seem to like
    him very much."

Baboon: "Since his Four Corner buddies are in jail, he's on his own!"

Jimmy: "Yeah, and the "Good" Sandman is bringing his sister Death!"

Wince: "He's getting many more cheers, though.  And imediately the two
    Sandmen lock up."

Baboon: "The Bad SandMan powers his opponent back into a corner, then whips
    him across the ring..."

Wince: "And the Good Sandman goes hard into the buckles!  The Bad SandMan closes
    in, but The Good Sandman kicks him away!"

Jimmy: "He'd better, because the Bad SandMan is going to show him just how bad
    he really is!"

Baboon: "The Good Sandman headbutts the bad one, then bounces off the ropes,
    but The Bad SandMan trips him!"

Wince: "The Bad SandMan is twisting his opponent's legs and ankles to wear
    him down."

Baboon: "But The Good Sandman crawls away and gets back to his feet."

Jimmy: "With the help of the ropes, though.  He is hurting!"

Baboon: "But he isn't hurting very badly, he clotheslines The Bad SandMan, then
    throws him over the top rope!"

Wince: "The Good Sandman is following him outside the ring!"

Jimmy: "That was uncalled for!"

Baboon: "The Bad SandMan grabs a chair.  Was that called for, Jimmy?"

Jimmy: "Sure, didn't you hear me calling "grab a chair, SandMan", Tempest?"

Wince: "The Good Sandman wrestles the chair away, but gets pushed into a ring
    post for his troubles."

Baboon: "The Bad SandMan charges, but The Good Sandman sidesteps, and
    The Bad SandMan hits his head on the post!  The Good Sandman rolls him
    back into the ring and goes for a pin!"

Jimmy: "One, two, kickout!  Luck won't save him this time!"

Wince: "The Bad SandMan whips him off the ropes, but The Good Sandman leapfrogs
    him, then bulldogs him!"

Baboon: "One, two, three!  The Sandman of the WeWF wins the match!"

**********************************************************************

Lord Winfred: "So Brewster Cogburn adds the Ultimate belt to his collection
  and the UFWS's SandMan will have to find a new monnicker! Well, that's it
  for now; tune in tomorrow for the Slick Ric trophy tournament, live from
  SkyDome! Until then, this is Lord Winfred Vague; sleep well!"