Summit of E-Wrestling Day 3 From: supermeo@cs.mcgill.ca (Francois LARAMEE) Date: Sun, 29 Dec 1991 18:05:16 +0000 The Summit of E-Wrestling Day 3 --- ------ -- ----------- --- - <Lord Winfred is standing in front of the gates at the Rosemont Horizon, in suburban Chicago> Lord Winfred: "Good evening once again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Rosemont Horizon for the very first Von Erich/Freebird Memorial six-man tag-team tournament! Fourteen trios of the best e-wrestlers on the net today will go at it for this prestigious award in a few minutes, but first, two interfederation matches, including a manager vs manager contest, and an appearance by the Royal Rumbler himself, Klingon Phaser! Let's go to ringside, where Baboon Tempest is standing by with Jimmy Vendetta and Wince McLady!" ********************************************************************* Baboon: "Hello everyone, this is Baboon Tempest welcoming you to another brilliant night of e-wrestling! In just a few minutes, former WeWF tag-team champions, The Klingons, will face one of the most promising tag-teams in the UeWF, THe Dangerous Emotions, but before that... Admiral Chekov will return to active duty and enter the squared circle against Simon Bolendorf!" Wince: "What a surprise, two managers are going to wrestle!" Jimmy: "Chekov is making a big mistake getting in that ring! Bolendorf will rip him to shreds." Baboon: "Well, Simon Bolendorf has wrestled before, not that he did very well." Wince: "Speaking of Simon, here is what he had to say:" ************************************************************************* Simon Bolendorf: "Well well well, Mr. Chekov... your Klingon filth was a big woman when she powed me in the head at the Rough Rumble... Now you'll see what it's like to get beaten by the craziest manager in wrestling..." Baboon: "Here comes Simon now!" Jimmy: "And he's got 700 pounds of insurance, and I'm not talking about British money! That's The Crusher and both Maniacs with him." Baboon: "I hope they don't get involved. And here comes Admiral Chekov, with Also Sprach Zarathrustra blaring! And he's got The Black Widow and The Klingons!" Wince: "And listen to the fans, they're cheering wildly!" Jimmy: "Thank you! Thank you!" Baboon: "Sit down, Vendetta. The two managers are circling warily, and Bolendorf slaps Chekov in the face!" Wince: "Chekov slaps Simon back, then monkey flips him! And The Black Widow applauds the move!" Jimmy: "Yeah, but Bolendorf clotheslines Chekov, getting applause from his people." Baboon: "Admiral Chekov gets up and wrestles Simon down, then puts a headlock on him." Wince: "No good, Simon Bolendorf powers loose and slams the Admiral!" Jimmy: "Yeah! Do it again!" Baboon: "I guess he can't hear you, Jimmy, he tries for a pin!" Wince: "But Admiral Chekov kicks out." Baboon: "Chekov bounces off the ropes, but a Maniac trips him! Chekov stops to shout at the masked man, and Simon Bolendorf sneaks up behind him." Wince: "Reverse thrust kick by Chekov! And he's going to the top rope!" Jimmy: "What a mistake! He doesn't have the agility. See, he just fell off." Baboon: "That's because The Crusher shook the ropes, Jimmy." Wince: "Simon Bolendorf whips Admiral Chekov off the ropes and clotheslines him out of the ring! But Chekov lands on the apron and pulls Simon out with him!" Jimmy: "Of course Chekov takes it to the floor! He's a no-good gutter rat, so that's how he's going to wrestle!" Baboon: "Now the wrestlers are getting involved!" Wince: "Oh my! This is out of hand! And I believe the referee has counted out both men!" Baboon: "A double count-out! It took a lot of referees to stop that melee." The Klingons vs. The Dangerous Emotions Baboon: "Two accomplished E-Wrestling tag teams set to square off, The Klingons and The Dangerous Emotions." Jimmy: "These teams are from the WeWF and UEWF respectively, so if it weren't for The Klingons being Chekov's slave dogs, I wouldn't pay any attention!" Wince: "I certainly would, and so would all these fans! Already in the ring are The Dangerous Emotions: Rage and Hate." Baboon: "And now, let's go to Green Jean Oktoberfest, standing by with the Admiral and his men." ********************************************************************* Green Jean: "Thank you Baboon. Admiral, nothing was resolved in your match against Simon Bolendorf." Chekov: "Indeed not! This grudge began when my Klingons right here took the WeWF tag-team titles away from the Maniacs, and it hasn't settled since! Well, mister Bolendorf, you couldn't beat me tonight, and you never will!" Green Jean: "And how aboutthe Klingons' opponents, the Dangerous Emotions?" Chekov: "We know very little about these guys, but Lanny told me that they were the team to beat in the UeWF, so they must be something special. We expect a good fight from them. But then again, Phaser beat 39 other men just yesterday, so THEY can expect even MORE of a fight!" Green Jean: "Thanks, Admiral; back to you Baboon." Baboon: "And here come Admiral Chekov and his Klingons: Phaser and Disrupter. They're getting a lot more cheers than their opposition did!" Wince: "Rage starts the match by raging on Phaser with a series of shots to the head! He whips Phaser off the ropes, but Phaser dropkicks him!" Jimmy: "I'll give The Klingons credit, they know how to wrestle." Wince: "Rage tags to Hate, but Phaser doesn't see it and bounces Rage off the ropes... Hate trips Phaser, and Rage drops a knee!" Baboon: "Now Hate goes for a pin, but he only gets a one count." Wince: "Phaser gives Hate a knee breaker and tags to Disrupter! The big man tackles Hate, and gives Rage a forearm for trying to intervene!" Jimmy: "Don't give me that, McLady, Rage was minding his own business and Disrupter popped him one. What poor sports." Baboon: "Maybe you need binoculars, Jimmy. Disrupter presses Hate and throws him across the ring! That'll give you a negative attitude!" Wince: "Disrupter tags to Phaser, and they set Hate up for a double suplex... no, he bangs their heads together!" Baboon: "And Hate tags to Rage! Rage clotheslines Disrupter over the top rope, and slams Phaser!" Wince: "He goes for an elbow drop, but Phaser rolls away!" Jimmy: "That was just luck, not any skill on Phaser's part." Wince: "Rage gouges Phaser's eyes, then slams him into The Dangerous Emotions' corner turnbuckle." Baboon: "Hate tags in, and both emotions are pounding on Phaser." Wince: "They whip him off the ropes and deliver a double clothesline! Now Hate tags Rage back in, and slingshots him into the ring onto Phaser! What a move!" Baboon: "And Rage is covering Phaser! One, two, kickout!" Jimmy: "Slow count. Look at Chekov, he's going crazy shouting to Phaser to get up and tag out!" Wince: "Phaser does make the tag, but Rage charges at Disrupter before he can even get in the ring!" Baboon: "But Klingon Disrupter pulls the top rope down, and Rage falls out to the floor!" Wince: "Disrupter pulls Rage back in and slams him... and Disrupter tags to Phaser, and they're both going to the top rope!" Baboon: "Double flying headbutt! The Klinshai Bombing! Phaser covers Rage! One, two, three!" Wince: "The Klingons win the match! The former WeWF Tag Team Champions looked to be in good form, but The Dangerous Emotions are an up and coming tag team." *************************************************************************** The Freebirds - Von Erich Memorial Six-Man Tournament Round 1 Wince: "And now it's time for the Freebirds - Von Erich Memorial Six Man Tag Team Tournament!" Baboon: "Let's quickly run down what's going to happen in the first round. The top two teams, The PainMasters and Big Red, get byes. The other 12 teams will go at it fast and furious, however." Wince: "The first round is Lost Destiny vs. The Armed Forces; Johann Svenson and The Shield Brothers vs. The Big Three; and TnT Enterprises vs. Ordered Chaos." Baboon: "And in the other bracket of the first round: The Romulan Mauler, The Black Widow, and The Ultimate Lanny vs. Pillage; The Antipodean Avengers vs. Da Boyz and Public Enemy; and The Stormbringers vs. The Emotions." Wince: "Let's go to the action!" Lost Destiny vs. The Armed Forces Baboon: "Let's hear from The Armed Forces." Commander-in-chief: "ATTEND-HUTT!!! Since we are such nice guys and good samaritans we are going to help a Lost Destiny find a cause. The cause is DOOM. Tellem Crush." Coporal Crush: "Yeah, Lost Destiny, we have heard a lot about you and waited to face someone that can be considered decent competition. But as all other you shall fall to the hands of the Armed Forces." Admiral Ax: "PainMasters, you're next, I don't know who you paid off for your first round bye but trust me, you'll need the rest cause we take no PRISONERS!!!!" Sergeant Smash: "CLASS DIS-MISSED!!!" Wince: "All right, The Armed Forces from the UEWF vs. The SandMan and The Unknown of the UFWS." Jimmy: "I don't know who The Unknown are, but I know they can beat Ax, Smash, and Crush." Baboon: "The Armed Forces don't get much of a response from the crowd, but Lost Destiny are cleary disliked." Wince: "Admiral Ax and Unknown 1 will start the match off. They circle, and Unknown 1 takes down Ax, but Ax then kicks him in the face!" Baboon: "Admiral Ax is back on his feet, and he axehandles Unknown 1, then powers him back to The Armed Forces' corner where Smash and Crush take cheap shots." Jimmy: "Hey, I like this team's style!" Wince: "Ax tags to Sergeant Smash, who goes for a clothesline but misses! Unknown 1 punches him in the gut, then tags to The SandMan!" Baboon: "The SandMan bounces Smash off the ropes and back body drops him from way up in the air! The SandMan reaches for Smash's legs and puts him in a figure four! But Corporal Crush stomps The SandMan." Jimmy: "That's a way to break the figure four!" Wince: "The SandMan gets up and rakes Crush's face, then bangs him headfirst into the top turnbuckle and tags out to Unknown 2." Baboon: "Unknown 2 winds up Crush's arm, and pounds on it, then tries to tag back to Unknown 1, but Crush pulls him away from their corner! Body slam by Corporal Crush!" Wince: "Sergeant Smash is tagged in, and he chokes Unknown 2 and throws him out of the ring!" Jimmy: "But look how quickly the masked man gets back in! And he seems fresh! Unknown 2 is pounding on all of The Armed Forces!" Wince: "That must be #1, Jimmy, not #2! Admiral Ax blocks a punch, then headbutts him!" Baboon: "Sergeant Smash holds the masked man for Corporal Crush, who delivers a thunderous right hand!" Wince: "But The SandMan rushes in and breaks up the triple team! The Unknown switch places again, unknown, if you will, to the referee." Babooon: "Just as Unknown 1 is getting back in, Crush and Ax clothesline him over the top rope! Smash is fighting The SandMan, and Unknown 1 is getting counted out!" Jimmy: "... six, seven, no get back in! Eight, nine, ten! Lost Destiny loses by countout, and The Armed Forces advance to round 2, where they will face The PainMasters." Johann Svenson and The Shield Brothers vs. The Big Three <Johann Svenson, dressed in his bearskin wrestling gear and carrying a large battleaxe, paces angrily in front of the camera. The Shield Brothers, Ric and Jake, don't look happy either.> Johann: "You ever here of karma? Fate? Kismet? It all boils down to one simple rule: what goes around, comes around! Cochons, Touchdown, you slimeballs jumped a couple of buddies of mine. For a month now I've been trying to figure out how to get you in a ring, to maybe start towards earning a little vengeance for what you did towards Death and Destruction. And now, the tournament organizers have set us up against each other in the very first round! It must be fate - and it's long past time for a whole lot of stuff to come around on top of your head, Touchdown! Your fate is to leave this match with more broken bones than you've ever had before!" Jake: "Cochon brothers, you've got to be the worst scum ever to ooze into the ring. You've disgraced the memories of all the great Canadian e- wrestlers. And you were dumb enough to to pearl harbour a couple of friends of mine. We don't really care that you're the UFWS tag champs - this isn't about titles. It's about paybacks, boys, and this is where we pay you back for a whole lot of grief and suffering you've caused!" Ric: "So maybe you two oughta high-tail it back under what ever rock you call home, because once you climb into that ring, there's no escaping the Shield brothers, and especially no escaping this Tower!" Johann: "And what are YOU gonna do when the Shield Brothers and the Great Dane turn the Big Three into the Broken Six?!" Wince: "All right, you heard from Svenson and The Shields, they'll be facing the three men already in the ring: Mr. Touchdown and The Cochons of the UFWS." Baboon: "Touchdown and The Cochons are very good, but Johann Svenson is one of the best brawlers in E-Wrestling, and Jake Shield has wrestled just about everywhere!" Jimmy: "But what about Ric "Tower" Shield? He's the weak link!" Baboon: "Let's go to our ring announcer, Coward Pickle." Coward: <Ride of the Valkyries comes on> "Hailing from Copenhagen, Denmark, and weighing in at 363 pounds, Johann "Great Dane" Svenson! And his partners, hailing from Russell, Ontario, Canada, weighing in at 244 pounds, Jake "Canadian" Shield! And also from Russell, weighing in at 278 pounds, Ric "Tower" Shield!" Wince: "All right, The Shield Brothers and Johann Svenson making their way to the ring, and the crowd is yelling so loud I can't hear myself think!" Jimmy: "And Jake Shield gives his RCMP stetson to a kid at ringside. How wonderful. I think I'm going to puke." Baboon: "Ric Shield is starting it off against Mr. Touchdown, and Touchdown wants a test of strength!" Wince: "The two lock up, and Touchdown has the advantage... he's using his possibly chemically-enhanced body to his advantage and powering Shield down to his knees!" Jimmy: "But Shield is too stupid to know he's beaten! He powers back up and breaks free!" Baboon: "Touchdown puts him back down with a cheapshot, then pulls him by his hair into The Big Three's corner. Maurice Cochon tags in and clotheslines Ric!" Wince: "But Ric is back on his feet in a second! Maurice doesn't realize it, and he has his back turned on Ric! Ric picks him up and gives him a big atomic drop!" Baboon: "Paul Cochon slips in quickly and hammers Ric in the back! Maurice recovers and shoves Ric into a neutral corner! Maurice charges, but Ric steps out of the way and tags to Johann!" Wince: "Johann Svenson chops Maurice Cochon and whips him off the ropes into a bear hug!" Baboon: "Look at Maurice flailing around! He makes a lucky tag to Touchdown, who steps into the ring." Wince: "Johann was waiting, and he hip tosses Touchdown across the ring! Mr. Touchdown ducks a charging Great Dane and nails him with a jab." Jimmy: "Svenson tags out to Jake Shield, who jumps off the top rope with a flying clothesline! He rolls Mr. Touchdown up, but Touchdown kicks free." Baboon: "Objective commentary, Jimmy? I'm shocked! Anyway, Jake is using his technical skills to wear down Mr. Touchdown." Wince: "Uh-oh, spinebuster by Mr. Touchdown! And he tags to to Paul Cochon to get some rest." Baboon: "Paul suplexes Jake Shield... no, Jake blocks it and reverses it! Jake carries Paul Cochon to the corner and is going for a superplex!" Jimmy: "It's too early for that move! Look, Jake stumbled out of the corner, and Paul Cochon flying bodypresses him from the top rope!" Wince: "He didn't stumble, Mr. Touchdown tripped him up!" Baboon: "Paul Cochon goes for the pin! One, two, kickout! Jake tags back to Johann, who slaps The Hammerlock of Thor on Paul!" Wince: "But Paul kicks off the top turnbuckle and falls back onto Johann!" Jimmy: "That wasn't too smart, Paul just about wrenched his own arm off!" Baboon: "Paul Cochon again tries for a pin! One, two, three! Maurice Cochon was helping him hold The Great Dane down!" Jimmy: "The ref didn't see it, so it didn't happen. Quit your whining, Tempest." Wince: "The Shield Brothers are complaining to the referee, and The Cochons are shouting back at them! The Shields can't take it anymore! They jump The Cochons!" Baboon: "And The Cochons and Mr. Touchdown are running away! That chair Johann grabbed might have something to do with it." Wince: "On to our next match." Ordered Chaos vs. TnT Enterprises Sunn Mooner: "I'm standing here with the members of TNT Enterprises. Gentle- men, tonight, you will face the Order of Chaos, T'ien "The Master" Lung and the Beast Brothers. How do you think you will fare against them tonight, Cannonball Calhoun?" Cannonball Calhoun: "Well, Sunn, we know them from the UeWF, so we aren't totally unfamiliar with them. Therefore, we may have a bit of an advantage over the other teams, as we are fighting people we know. Now, whether or not this match will be a good one for TNT remains to be seen, but we are at our peak physical condition at this point, and we will not go down easy! Tell 'em Powerhouse!" Powerhouse Pruitt: "You wanna talk about the heat of the competition? We got it right here! Cannonball Calhoun, a future UFWS World Champ. Brimstone Baxter, a future UeWF champ if all goes well this week. Me, one of the strongest men in all of E-Wrestling. It won't be our shoulders that get pinned tonight!" Brimstone Baxter: "T'ien Lung, we've both been trained in Japan for our scientific background. So, that means we will be evenly matched. As for the Beast Brothers: Well, I've never fought them, but I'm sure my technique can take care of them!" Ace Diamond: "TNT came into this Summit with nothing more than reknown. We will leave with more than that. I guarantee that we will leave with the UeWF World Title, the Slick Ric Trophy, the Von Erich Cup, and the purse money from the Royal Rumble. Bank on it folks!" Wince: "OK, you just heard from TnT Enterprises, and they'll be facing Ordered Chaos: The Beast Brothers and T'ien "The Master" Lung." Baboon: "The winner of this match will move on to face TnT Enterprises in the second round." Wince: "TnT are already in the ring, and here come T'ien "The Master" Lung and The Beast Brothers, Wolverine and Cougar!" Baboon: "They're getting a lot of applause for such a young team. And it looks like they're sending Cougar into the ring to start, and Brimstone Baxter will oppose him." Jimmy: "Cougar smells like a wild animal, too bad he can't wrestle like one." Wince: "Baxter twists Cougar's arm, and Cougar tries to reverse it, but Baxter is too quick for that." Baboon: "Brimstone Baxter does a quick take down, and switches to a reverse chinlock. But Cougar powers back to his feet and tags out!" Wince: "T'ien Lung and Baxter are squaring off, and Lung tries to sweep Baxter's legs, but Baxter jumps over him!" Jimmy: "Too bad he didn't see Lung's other foot coming around to take the pins out from under him on the follow through! Brimstone goes down!" Wince: "Lung tries to pounce, but Baxter rolls back to his feet! The Master attempts an arm drag, but Baxter rolls with it and arm drags Lung!" Baboon: "Baxter pulls T'ien Lung to his corner and tags to Cannonball Calhoun!" Wince: "And Calhoun clotheslines Lung! Cannonball splashes Lung... no, Lung got his knees up!" Baboon: "Master Lung whips Calhoun to the buckles. And Calhoun rebounds and shoulderblocks Lung into next week! A slam by Calhoun! And a bulldog!" Jimmy: "Lung doesn't look like much of a master right now!" Baboon: "Ace Diamond wants to keep the fresh man in the ring, so Calhoun tags back out to Baxter." Wince: "Brimstone Baxter belly-to-belly suplexes Lung! But Lung lunges and tags to Wolverine!" Baboon: "Wolverine forearms Baxter, then bounces off the ropes and clotheslines him! And now Wolverine has slapped on a step-over toe hold!" Jimmy: "I can't believe Baxter still hasn't given up, this is more guts than he's ever shown in the UFWS!" Wince: "If you think that's something, Jimmy, look at this! Brimstone Baxter wriggles loose and tags to Powerhouse Pruitt!" Baboon: "Here comes the big man! Running elbow smash! And he presses Wolverine over his head and drops him!" Wince: "Wolverine gets up and kicks Pruitt, then tries to bash him into the buckles, but Pruitt puts on the breaks and throws Wolverine down! Pruitt goes to the second rope and drops an elbow!" Baboon: "One, two, three! TnT Enterprises get the duke!" The Romulan Mauler, The Black Widow, and The Ultimate Lanny vs. Pillage Wince: "We're finished with the first round of the first bracket. In the second round it will be The PainMasters vs. The Armed Forces and TnT Enterprises vs. The Big Three." Baboon: "But right now, The Ultimate Trekkies, who've wrestled just about everywhere, are going to face off against the UEWF's Pillage! Let's hear from Lord Plunder and his teammates." Lord Plunder: "Again, they force a natural aristocrat such as myself to go through the motions of a tournament before awarding me the gold I so rightfully deserve... how dreary! And the opposition is provided by three alledged wrestlers who are positively out of touch with reality!" Crash: "Yeah, I hear these trekkies have won themselves a mess of tag team titles over in the UFWS. But hey, we've crunched Lanny the Loser and his gimpy brother before, and it'll be a pleasure doing it again!" Burn: "And this Widow geek is older than the green stuff in Crash's fridge. We'll give you a senior citizen's discount, geezer - we'll pin you in the first two minutes, so you don't have to wheeze through a whole match!" Lord Plunder: "In-DEED! Romulan Mauler, any wrestler who prefers to leave his opponents broken and bleeding outside the ring must earn grudging respect from Lord Plunder - and as a token of that respect, I promise to leave you broken and bleeding outside the ring after our match! I believe it is time, as you boys say, for a little Carnage..." Crash: "And always remember, Lord Plunder..." Burn: "There's no such thing as a LITTLE Carnage!" Baboon: "Beaming down to the ring, The Ultimate Lanny, The Romulan Mauler, and The Black Widow, accompanied by their manager Admiral Chekov and Lanny's brother The Approximate Manny!" Jimmy: "Wasn't one Horowitz bad enough?" Wince: "Let's go to Coward Pickle." Coward: "... and their opponents <Crowd boos as Rule Brittania comes on>... weighing in at 248 pounds and hailing from Castle Plunder, Lord Plunder! And his partners, hailing from Highway 61, at a total combined weight of 514 pounds, Crash and Burn: Carnage!" Baboon: "Carnage jump The Black Widow before the bell, and Lord Plunder is making obscene gestures to the fans!" Wince: "The Black Widow is fighting back well, though, and he flips Burn, and The Romulan Mauler and Lanny chase Crush out of the ring!" Baboon: "The Pillage team stops to regroup, as do the Trekkies. They certainly have the weight advantage with those two musclemen Mauler and Lanny." Wince: "And they're going to take advantage of that by putting The Mauler in there. Pillage counter by sending in Burn." Baboon: "Burn rakes The Mauler's face and dropkicks him, but The Mauler is still on his feet! Burn goes to the top rope and tries for a flying body press, but The Romulan Mauler catches him and drops him across his knee! Backbreaker!" Wince: "The Romulan Mauler tags to The Ultimate Lanny, who rages around the ring and tries to clothesline Burn, but gets an uppercut instead! Burn bounces off the ropes and collides with Lanny! I think he meant to do that!" Jimmy: "What a crazy guy! But at least he put Lanny down, and Crash, who just tagged in, will make sure he stays that way." Baboon: "Crash stomps on Lanny's face, then picks him up and slams him!" Wince: "And Crash whips Lanny into the turnbuckles and avalanches him! But one good push by Lanny knocks Crash head over heels!" Baboon: "The Ultimate Lanny tags to The Black Widow, who snap kicks Crash, then elbows him in the head!" Wince: "But Crash counters with a face rake, and slams The Widow to the mat by his hair! And Crash legdrops The Black Widow!" Baboon: "Crash tags to Burn, then presses The Black Widow over his head and DROPS HIM OUT OF THE RING! Express elevator drop fifteen feet down!" Jimmy: "And now Burn is going to dive onto The Black Widow! I heard this team did crazy stuff, but this is ridiculous!" Wince: "Wham! Burn dives headfirst onto The Widow! If he had missed, it would be all over! The Black Widow may have a collapsed sternum after that, and Burn doesn't look too hot himself!" Baboon: "Burn rolls The Black Widow back into the ring, and tags to Lord Plunder!" Jimmy: "The Black Widow's career may be over! Too bad I wasn't the one who did it. Look at him gasping for breath!" Wince: "Lord Plunder applies a series of wear down holds, then hoists The Widow onto his back for a fireman's carry." Baboon: "But The Black Widow rolls back and crucifixes Lord Plunder! He could get the pin! One, two, three!" Wince: "Never try to match holds with The Black Widow, and Lord Plunder learned that the hard way." Baboon: "The Ultimate Trekkies advance to the next round." The Antipodean Avengers vs. Da Boyz and Public Enemy Wince: "The Antipodean Avengers are one of the only two teams in this tournament to have any one them who has one a six-man title. Of course I mean Mr. B." Jimmy: "Ha, but The ANZAC and Action Man haven't one a six-man title, so they won't get much of an advantage." Baboon: "They will be facing Da Boyz, Guido and Nunzio of the WeWF, and Public Enemy of the UEWF." Wince: "Here come Da Boyz and Public Enemy now, and also with then Da Boss." Baboon: "Three very devious individuals. But here come their opponents, The Antipodean Avengers, and listen to the crowd cheer!" Wince: "Action Man sets up to square off against Nunzio, and he quickly snapmares Nunzio over his shoulder then stomps on his face once!" Baboon: "Action Man twists Nunzio's right arm, but Nunzio kicks Action Man and tags to Guido! Da Boyz both clothesline Action Man!" Jimmy: "They're showing how well they work as a team, Tempest." Wince: "Guido chokes Action Man on the ropes, then tags back to Nunzio! Nunzio holds Action Man for a punch from Guido, but Action Man ducks! Guido slugs Nunzio!" Baboon: "And in the confusion Action Man tags to Mr. B!" Wince: "Mr. B dropkicks Nunzio out of the ring! He slingshot suplexes Guido! Irish whip by Mr. B, and hey! Public Enemy reached into the ring and hit Mr. B!" Baboon: "Guido clotheslines Mr. B! And just as he tags to Public Enemy, Mr. B rolls him up!" Jimmy: "What a plan by Guido! While Mr. B is distracted by him, Public Enemy goes to the top rope and drops a fist on Mr. B!" Baboon: "Public Enemy whips Mr. B off the ropes, and Mr. B puts him down with a cross body block! One count and a kickout!" Wince: "Mr. B punches Public Enemy and tags to The ANZAC!" Baboon: "The ANZAC axehandles Public Enemy, but Public Enemy reaches down and pulls The ANZAC's legs out from under him, then puts him in a Boston crab! And The ANZAC submits!" Wince: "So Public Enemy and Da Boyz advance to the next round to face The Romulan Mauler, The Ultimate Lanny, and The Black Widow!" The Stormbringers vs. The Emotions Baboon: "Let's hear from Angus "The Claymore" Campbell!" <Angus is wearing his UFWS World title belt.> Angus: "Ye dinnae win a belt like this wi'oot learnin' certain things. One o' those things is that there'll always be some wrestlers so bereft o' skill they feel compelled tae cheat an' brutalize opponents. Emotions, ye are three such wrestlers. I've dealt wi' yuir kind before, on th' road tae winnin' this belt, an' it appears that I'll have tae deal wi' ye on th' road tae the Freebirds/Von Erich trophy. Maybe ye think that cheatin' an' thuggery'll get ye past th' Stormbringers - but I ken ye're dead wrong! When this match is over, ye'll be blown away by th' Storm- bringers - aye, an' cut down by th' Claymore!" Jimmy: "All this time in America and he still has that accent? Just watch The Emotions pound it out of him." Wince: "I don't think that's very likely. The Emotions are already in the ring, and Rage, Hate, and Despair seem a little nervous. And here come The Stormbringers, Randy Hurricane and Billy Thunder!" Coward: "...and their partner <Scotland the Brave starts up, huge cheers from the crowd> weighing in at 228 pounds and hailing from Strathclyde, Scotland, here is the current UFWS world heavyweight champion, Angus "The Claymore" Campbell!" Baboon: "The crowd is on it's feet cheering for The Claymore as he runs to the ring!" Wince: "Hate and Billy Thunder will square off. Thunder grabs Hate's arm and twists it, but Hate clotheslines him with his free arm, then gives Thunder a side suplex!" Baboon: "Hate tags to Rage, who walks on Thunder, then chokes him! Rage lifts Thunder on his shoulder for a body slam, but Billy Thunder slips over Rage's back and atomic drops him!" Wince: "Billy Thunder tags to Randy Hurricane, who punches Rage, then drops a leg on him! Hurricane picks Rage up and gives him a neckbreaker!" Baboon: "Rage gives Hurricane a knee to the race, then drags him face first along the top rope!" Jimmy: "What a dastardly move! I love it! Encore, encore! Now Despair tags in to pound on that no good turncoat." Wince: "Despair puts a armlock on Hurricane, but Hurricane uses the ropes to flip himself over and break the hold!" Baboon: "Randy Hurricane bounces Despair off the ropes and back body drops him! And Hurricane tags to The Claymore!" Wince: "Angus Campbell gives Despair a knee breaker! Despair retaliates by pulling Campbell's hair!" Baboon: "Despair tries to tag out to Rage, but The Claymore pulls him back, and puts him in an airplane spin! Angus tags back to Billy Thunder, who gives Despair a belly to back suplex!" Jimmy: "I didn't see a tag! The Stormbringers are cheating as usual!" Wince: "Despair makes a desperate tag to Hate, who charges Thunder... and Thunder powerslams him! One, two, kickout!" Baboon: "Hate punches Thunder, and shoves him face first to the mat! And Hate delivers a gourdbuster!" Wince: "Hate tags out to Rage, but Thunder tags to Hurricane! Hurricane scoops Rage, and slams him, then tags to The Claymore!" Jimmy: "Rage is after Hurricane, and he walks right into a FrankenClaymore! That move will put away anybody but me!" Wince: "Campbell covers! One, two, three!" Baboon: "The Stormbringers win, and advance to the second round to face Big Red!" Round Two Wince: "OK, it's time for the second round! We have narrowed it down to just eight teams. The PainMasters and Big Red had byes in the first round, but nobody gets a bye this time." Baboon: "The PainMasters, ranked number one going into this tournament, will face The Armed Forces, TnT Enterprises will square off against The Big Three, The Ultimate Trekkies tangle with Da Boyz and Public Enemy, and Big Red face The Stormbringers!" Wince: "Let's go down to ringside!" The PainMasters vs. The Armed Forces Baboon: "The PainMasters are former EMWA six-man tag team champions, but they will have to contend with The Armed Forces, who surprised a lot of people with their victory over Lost Destiny earlier." Wince: "And here come The Armed Forces right now! They aren't getting much crowd response, but I think they are getting a lot more cheers now than before!" Jimmy: "Everybody loves a winner, McLady." Baboon: "And here come The PainMasters, John Girder, Fury, and Metallicus!" Wince: "They dominated the EMWA, and they fared well at the last Summit, but they haven't been very active recently." Baboon: "The Armed Forces attack before the bell! Corporal Crush knocks Fury out of the ring, but Metallicus throws Admiral Ax over the top rope!" Wince: "Sergeant Smash and John Girder are slugging it out! Nice takedown by Girder! And he suplexes Smash, but Crush stomps him before he can get up!" Baboon: "Metallicus grabs Crush from behind in a full nelson! Meanwhile, Fury just grabbed a chair outside the ring and he hits Ax with it! Smash body slams Girder, then kicks at Fury to get his attention." Wince: "And Ax takes advantage of that distraction and hits Fury with a chair!" Baboon: "Wait a minute, Girder is up, and he knocks Smash out of the ring!" Jimmy: "And Crush is still locked in Metallicus' full nelson! Crush submits! But the fight is going on outside the ring! Ax and Smash are pummeling Fury, but here come Girder and Metallicus!" Baboon: "The Armed Forces are heading back to the dressing room! That will be it for them in this tournament!" TnT Enterprises vs. The Big Three Wince: "We're about to see two UFWS rival teams square off, TnT Enterprises and The Big Three!" Baboon: "Here come The Big Three right now! Mr. Touchdown and The Cochons!" Wince: "And here are their opponents, Powerhouse Pruitt, Cannonball Calhoun, and Brimstone Baxter!" Baboon: "The fans seem to be favoring TnT, Wince." Wince: "Indeed. And Maurice Cochon will start the match against Powerhouse Pruitt. Pruitt immediately uses his strength to his advantage and powers Maurice into a corner." Baboon: "And Pruitt isn't wasting any time, he climbs the turnbuckles and pounds Maurice in the face! But Maurice brings him back down with an inverted atomic drop!" Wince: "Maurice twists Pruitt's arm and tags to Paul, who drops a punch into the exposed arm." Jimmy: "The Cochon Brothers have already cut the ring in half. Now they will cut Pruitt in half!" Baboon: "Paul twists the arm some more, and tags back to Maurice. But Powerhouse Pruitt rams both their heads together!" Wince: "Pruitt slams Maurice, then tags to Brimstone Baxter!" Baboon: "Maurice Cochon tags out to Mr. Touchdown, who clotheslines Baxter!" Wince: "Baxter applies a leg trip takedown, and hammerlocks Mr. Touchdown. But Touchdown grabs the ropes, and Baxter has to break the hold." Jimmy: "And like the idiot he is, he let's the ref tell him what to do!" Baboon: "Brimstone Baxter hiptosses Touchdown across the ring, and goes for a camel clutch, but Touchdown powers up and falls backwards onto Baxter!" Wince: "Touchdown stomps Baxter and chokes him, then tags to Paul Cochon, who leaps off the top rope for a flying splash! But Baxter rolls away!" Baboon: "Brimstone Baxter tags out to Cannonball Calhoun, who sets the helpless Paul up for a piledriver!" Jimmy: "Wham, he nailed it! But the referee doesn't see, he's talking to Touchdown! And Maurice nails Calhoun with a fist from the top rope!" Wince: "Maurice puts Paul on top of Cannonball! Finally the ref turns around! No, ref, no!" Jimmy: "One, two, three! The Big Three win!" Baboon: "Powerhouse Pruitt grabs Maurice and slams him over the top rope down onto the concrete! The Big Three are retreating, but they will be advancing to face The PainMasters in the next round!" Mauler, Black Widow, and Lanny vs. Da Boyz and Public Enemy Wince: "All right, this match is going to be underway very shortly, as Da Boyz, Da Boss, and Public Enemy are on their way to the ring." Baboon: "And immediately afterwards, here come The Romulan Mauler, The Ultimate Lanny, and The Black Widow who is certainly still hurting from Burn's dive onto him earlier." Wince: "The Ultimate Lanny starts the match for The Trekkies, and he will be facing off against Nunzio of Da Boyz." Jimmy: "And Nunzio immediately lashes out with a kick to Lanny's knee! That's Nunzio's specialty, I understand!" Baboon: "It seems to have been effective, as Lanny is now limping around the ring. Nunzio kicks him in the other knee, and Lanny goes down! Nunzio tags to Guido, and Da Boyz twist Lanny's ankles!" Jimmy: "If they can take out the pins on that big man, they're well on their way to victory." Baboon: "Guido chokes Lanny, breaking just before the ref can disqualify him, then Guido goes for the pin, but Lanny kicks out!" Wince: "Lanny hits Guido with a series of knife edge chops, and he tries for a press slam, but his knees give out, and they go down!" Baboon: "It could be over right here! No, The Ultimate Lanny kicks out!" Jimmy: "With a little help from The Mauler, Tempest. Now Lanny grabs Guido by the hair and throws him out of the ring, and The Approximate Manny throws him back in!" Wince: "Lanny tags out to The Black Widow, and Guido tags to Public Enemy!" Baboon: "Public Enemy gives The Black Widow a heart punch!" Jimmy: "Brilliant! The old man has heart trouble, so that could finish him for good!" Baboon: "Give us a break. Public Enemy tries again, but The Black Widow sidesteps and traps Public Enemy's arm, then gives him a reverse chicken wing!" Wince: "The Black Widow works on Public Enemy's arm some more, then tags out to The Romulan Mauler!" Baboon: "The Romulan Mauler slams Public Enemy, then goes for a pin, but Da Boyz make the save!" Wince: "And The Mauler clotheslines them both, knocking them out of the ring!" Baboon: "But Public Enemy has had time to recover and he punches The Mauler in the kidneys and rolls him up!" Wince: "Kickout by The Romulan Mauler, and he's mad now! He whips Public Enemy off the ropes and power slams him! One, two, three!" Baboon: "The Ultimate Trekkies win and advance to the semi-finals!" Big Red vs. The Stormbringers Baboon: "This is the final match of the second round, but the first for Big Red. Big Red is The General and The Hoosiers. They will be facing Billy Thunder, Randy "Rock 'n Roll" Hurricane, and Angus "The Claymore" Campbell for the right to face The Ultimate Trekkies in the next round." Wince: "The crowd cheers for both teams as they make their way down the aisle. And everybody shakes hands in the ring." Baboon: "Daemon of The Hoosiers starts out against Randy Hurricane of The Stormbringers. And the two wrestlers tie up... monkey flip by Daemon!" Wince: "But Hurricane gets up first and small packages Daemon! One, two, kickout!" Baboon: "Daemon puts an armbar on Hurricane, and tags to Erik!" Wince: "The Stormbringers don't have anybody to match power with Erik, and he throws Hurricane around the ring. Drop kick by Randy Hurricane! And he tags out to Angus Campbell!" Baboon: "Campbell trips Erik, and tries to twist his arm, but Erik nails The Claymore with an elbow!" Wince: "Angus gives Erik an inverted atomic drop, but Erik slingshot suplexes Campbell and tags out to The General!" Baboon: "The General chops Angus, then whips him off the ropes and hiptosses him! The Claymore pulls one of The General's legs out from under him and takes him down, then goes for a figure four!" Jimmy: "But The General is too wily for that, he small packages Angus! One, two, kickout!" Wince: "But Campbell makes a quick tag to Billy Thunder! Thunder shoulderblocks The General, and The General tags to Daemon!" Baboon: "Daemon ducks a punch and trips Thunder into the ropes, then tags back to Erik." Wince: "Daemon gives Thunder an inverted atomic drop, then Erik gives him an atomic drop!" Jimmy: "Thunder's spine must be jelly by now!" Wince: "Erik tries for a body slam, but Thunder blocks it and slams Erik!" Baboon: "Erik tags to The General, who clothesline Thunder and then tags back to Daemon! Daemon tags to Erik quickly, and all three members of Big Red are in the ring!" Wince: "Daemon and Erik are setting Thunder up for a double DDT! And they deliver it, just as The General bounces off the ropes and jumps on Thunder's back!" Baboon: "The Three-D-T!" Wince: "Erik slaps Angus in the face to try to draw him into the ring, and he succeeds, and the ref steps in to stop Angus, while Big Red set up another triple team move!" Baboon: "But while the referee is occupied with Angus, Randy Hurricane enters the fray! He's fighting the whole other team, trying to prevent them from putting another move on Thunder!" Wince: "Now Angus Campbell is in there! It's mayhem!" Jimmy: "And the referee disqualifies both teams! I love it! Neither of these teams are going any further in the tournament!" Baboon: "But that means The Romulan Mauler, The Ultimate Lanny, and The Black Widow will have a bye in the next round." Round Three Wince: "Because our last match ended in a draw, there are only three teams left. The team of The Romulan Mauler, The Black Widow, and The Ultimate Lanny will have a bye this round, while The PainMasters will face The Big Three." Baboon: "It's time for the match." The PainMasters vs. The Big Three Wince: "The Big Three are on their way to the ring! The fans are really giving them a negative reaction, since they had to cheat their way to a victory last time." Baboon: "And here come The PainMasters! They're getting a bunch of cheers, but a few boos too." Wince: "This match doesn't look like it will be over as quickly as The PainMasters last match. They're sending Fury in first, and Mr. Touchdown will oppose him." Baboon: "Touchdown locks up with Fury, and knees him in the ribs. Fury headbutts Mr. Touchdown, and slams him!" Wince: "But Mr. Touchdown gets up quickly and chokes Fury back into a neutral corner! Touchdown tries to whip Fury to the opposite corner, but Fury reverses it, and Touchdown flies into the buckles!" Jimmy: "Fury charges in, but Touchdown thinking quickly puts his foot up and Fury runs into it!" Baboon: "Touchdown tags to Maurice Cochon, who snapkicks Fury, then chokes him on the top rope." Wince: "Maurice snaps the rope back, sending Fury flying across the ring. But Fury tags out to John Girder." Baboon: "Girder gives Maurice a gutwrench suplex, and goes for a pin, but he only gets a one count." Wince: "Maurice tags to Paul, who axehandles John Girder in the back, then throws him out of the ring." Baboon: "Girder is trying to get back in, but Paul Cochon won't let him! He keeps kicking at Girder everytime Girder tries to get onto the ring apron!" Jimmy: "Metallicus runs in and almost flips Paul over with a clothesline! That was unfair, but at least it was impressive! I can't wait to see him do it to The Black Widow!" Baboon: "Girder gets back into the ring, punches Paul Cochon, and tags to Metallicus!" Wince: "Paul has tagged out to Mr. Touchdown, who Metallicus lifts by the throat and then drops unceremoniously on the mat!" Baboon: "Touchdown rakes Metallicus' face and scurries out of the ring to get a breather, but Metallicus won't let him get away! They're brawling on the floor!" Jimmy: "Metallicus throws Touchdown back into the ring and brings a chair in! He bashes Touchdown with it, then he bashes both of the Cochons!" Wince: "And the referee disqualifies The PainMasters!" Baboon: "So The Big Three advance to the final round to face The Ultimate Trekkies!" Final Round Wince: "We are now down to just two teams, one of which will walk away with the Freebird - Von Erich Memorial Trophy!" Baboon: "The Big Three started the tournament with a win over Johann Svenson and The Shield Brothers, then beat TnT Enterprises in the second round, and The PainMasters in the semifinals." Wince: "Meanwhile, The Ultimate Trekkies beat Pillage, then Da Boyz and Public Enemy, and then had a bye." Baboon: "Let's go to Green Jean!" *************************************************************************** Green Jean: "Thank you! Admiral Chekov, your men are on a roll: the Royal Rumble yesterday, a victory over the Dangerous Emotions, and now the final match of the Von Erich cup!" Chekov: "That's right, and we won't let these no-good bums Touchdump and the Pig Brothers waste that trophy!" Lanny: "TOUCHDOWN!... AHHHHH!!! I have beat you so many times that you probably can't count to that number! Today will be no different!" Mauler: "Cochons! You took the UFWS tag-team titles away form the Trekkies, but we will be back sooner than you think! COUNT ON IT!" ~r Mauler, Black Widow, and Lanny vs. The Big Three Wince: "All right, here comes one of the two finalist teams, The Big Three! They are going to be a little tired, since they haven't had as much time to rest as The Trekkies." Baboon: "There aren't a lot of people in this arena who like Touchdown or The Cochons, Wince, but here comes a team they certainly approve of!" Jimmy: "Moron, Window, and Annie are on their way to the ring! What do the marks see in these guys?" Wince: "It's Mauler, Widow, and Lanny, Jimmy. By the way, a lot of people say The Romulan Mauler is a better color commentator than you." Jimmy: "No way!" Baboon: "The Romulan Mauler is waiting in the middle of the ring while The Big Three are trying to decide who will oppose him. The Mauler makes their decision for them by grabbing Mr. Touchdown and hauling him into the ring!" Wince: "Mauler whips Touchdown off the ropes and gives him a one hand choke slam! And The Mauler quickly tags out to The Black Widow, who leaps off the top rope with a flying fistdrop!" Baboon: "The Black Widow whips Mr. Touchdown into a corner and tries for a monkey flip, but Mr. Touchdown holds onto the ropes and The Black Widow lands headfirst on the mat!" Jimmy: "Ha ha ha! Do that again, Widow! That was funny!" Wince: "Are you sane, Jimmy? Mr. Touchdown stomps on the downed e-wrestling legend, and tags to Paul Cochon. Touchdown puts an abdominal stretch on The Black Widow, and Cochon kicks him in the midsection!" Baboon: "Touchdown is finally out of the ring, and Paul Cochon is choking The Black Widow in the ropes." Jimmy: "And Maurice Cochon is kicking The Black Widow in the face! This is like a dream come true!" Wince: "But not for all the fans! The Black Widow stands up and forearms Paul, then turns around and hits Maurice! And he hits Touchdown too!" Baboon: "The Black Widow has gotten his second wind, and he tags to The Ultimate Lanny, who charges and clotheslines Paul! Paul tags to Maurice, who The Ultimate Lanny slingshots into the ring!" Wince: "Admiral Chekov is calling for something... he wants Lanny to take Maurice to The Trekkies' corner so they can work him over." Baboon: "But Maurice fouls that plan by elbowing Lanny in the guts, then setting him up for a DDT!" Wince: "Lanny counters it by sliding away. Oh, and Mr. Touchdown hits him from behind! When Lanny turns around to hit Touchdown, Maurice rolls him up!" Jimmy: "One, two, kickout! Darn." Baboon: "Maurice tags out to Paul, who kicks Lanny, then gives him a shoulderbreaker." Wince: "Paul applies a neck twist on Lanny, and goes for a pin, but The Black Widow makes the save." Jimmy: "Cheater. I would never do something that low." Baboon: "Yeah right. Mr. Touchdown is tagged in, and he tries for a leglock, but Lanny punches him and tags out to The Black Widow!" Wince: "The Black Widow nails Touchdown with a spinning kick, then whips him off the ropes into an elbow! The Black Widow punches Touchdown in the midsection and sunset flips him, but Touchdown keeps his balance and punches The Black Widow in the face!" Baboon: "Touchdown goes for the pin! One, two, kickout!" Wince: "Mr. Touchdown tags in Maurice, who misses with an elbow drop! The Black Widow tags in The Romulan Mauler! The Mauler presses Maurice and drops him!" Baboon: "Maurice is begging for mercy, but The Mauler won't give it to him! He kicks Maurice in the face and drags him to the center of the ring!" Wince: "Outside the ring, The Cheerleaders look concerned." Baboon: "They haven't had much effect on this tournament... until now. Muffy throws her pom-pon into the ring, and Maurice hits The Mauler with it!" Wince: "The referee was watching the other cheerleader and saw none of this! We couldn't he keep his eyes on the match?" Jimmy: "The only people who weren't watching The Cheerleaders were eunuchs like you and Tempest, McLady!" Baboon: "Maurice covers The Mauler! One, two, three! The Big Three win!" Wince: "Mr. Touchdown, The Cochons, and The Cheerleaders leave with the Freebirds - Von Erich trophy! Meanwhile, The Trekkies are tending to The Romulan Mauler and Admiral Chekov pours cold water on the referee!" Jimmy: "What poor losers!" Wince: "So the Big Three win the six-man tournament! That's it from here. So long, everyone!" ************************************************************************** Lord Winfred: "Thank you gentlemen! That's it for today; don't forget to tune in tomorrow, for a big inter-federation SuperCard featuring a name match between the SandMen of the UFWS and the WeWF, The Black Widow defending the UFWS North American title against WeWF legend The General, Rusty and Rustin Nose against The Hoosiers, and "The Sheriff" Brewster Cogburn against Steelgrave for the Ultimate Heavyweight title, sponsored by Ace Diamond and TNT enterprises; also tomorrow, Day 3 of the UeWF title tournaments! Until then, this is Lord Winfred Vague, good night!" Up