EEFL Session C, Original Division

From: wickart@ichips.intel.com (Bill 'Prune' Wickart)

Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1991 01:41:33 +0000

EXPERIMENTAL ELECTRONIC FOOTBALL LEAGUE
			   ORIGINAL DIVISION
			   SESSION A RESULTS

Team		Pts   W  D  L   GF:GA   CP      TP	Cash
-----------------------------------------------------------------
The Minutemen		15    7  1  1	16: 2	4.0  3	$ 730K
FC Adelaide		15    6  3  0	 7: 1	4.0  4	$1262K
Adirondack Automata	14    5  4  0	10: 2	4.0  4	$1101K
Marauding Math. Maund.	11    4  3  2	11: 6	4.0  6	$1944K
Smurfs and Friends	 9    4  1  4	 8:10	2.5  3	$ 395K
Cleveland Plankton	 8    3  2  4	 9:10	3.0  3	$ 525K
Overwhelmed by Task	 8    2  4  3	 5: 7	4.0  3	$ 560K
Washington Capitals	 7    2  3  4	 9:12	2.5  4	$ 459K
Golden Horn		 6    2  2  5	10: 9	3.5  4	$ 307K
Hampshire Eagles	 6    0  6  3	 4: 8	3.0  3	$ 465K
Anime Hentais		 5    1  3  5	 5:14	4.0  6	$ 485K
Westminster Uknighted	 4    1  2  6	 6:19	2.0  3	$ 223K
-----------------------------------------------------------------

MVP bonus: SF, TMM

No Moves Received: TMM

Roster changes:	none

You did *not* misread that ... the Smurfs earned a dude point this session.
Details are in the box scores below.  Jon Gibson got his orders in just in time
to trade one set of strangeness for another.  AA has returned to their old form,
giving us 3 draws this session.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Errors and Fines:

AA:
free:	Tried to coach or train an ineligible player

AH:
free:	Tried to coach or train an ineligible player

FCA:
free:	Overspent on CP or TP

GH:
 25K:	Tried to use multiple centers in one area
free:	Tried to coach or train an ineligible player

SF:
 10K:	Tried to use a starter twice in one match
 25K:	Tried to use multiple centers in one area

TMM:
 10K:	Forgot space after "@"
 10K:	Misspelled a player's name

WC:
 10K:	Misspelled a player's name
free:	Tried to coach or train an ineligible player

WU:
free:	Overspent on CP or TP
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                                AH at MMM
                                0  -  1
                               (7  -  11)

GK D. Openshaw (0:0 0 2)       GK N. Gibb (0:0 0 2)
    SW K. Otonashi (0:0 0 2)       SW C. Parseval (0:0 0 0)
       DF Y. Godai (0:1 0 0)       DF A. Cauchy (0:1 0 1)
    DF L. McNichol (0:1 0 0)       DF T. Kohonen (0:1 0 0)
    DF S. Lhardott (0:0 0 1)       DF H. Poincare (0:0 0 0)
     MF R. Saotome (0:1 0 0)       MF F. Klein (0:2 0 0)
    MF E. Takanaka (0:1 0 0)
      MF C. Kanuka (0:1 0 0)
         FW H. Ken (0:1 0 0)       FW K. Worley (0:1 0 0)
         FW A. Rei (0:0 0 0)       FW R. Pilatus (0:1 0 0)
         FW L. Kei (0:1 0 0)       FW E. Galois (0:2 0 0)
                                   UT K. Weierstrass (0:1 0 0)
                                   UT D. Hilbert (1:2 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                               OBT at HE
                                1  -  1
                               (3  -  5)

GK B. Bartok (0:0 0 2)       GK I. Kipnis (0:0 0 0)
       GK S. Ozawa (0:0 0 1)
                                   SW A. Martin (0:0 0 0)
   DF H. DeSanctis (0:0 0 0)       DF M. Crow (0:1 0 0)
   DF G. DeSanctis (0:0 0 0)       DF B. Rook (0:0 0 1)
    DF M. Marietta (0:0 0 0)
      MF Z. Barolo (0:0 0 0)       MF T. Bateleur (0:0 0 0)
      MF D. Quayle (0:0 0 0) (bk)  @ 88  MF H. Goshawk (0:1 0 0) (bk)
      MF J. Napier (0:0 0 0) (sub)
      FW I. Newton (0:2 0 0)       FW I. Wright (1:2 0 0)
     FW H. Szeryng (1:1 0 0)       FW J. Swift (0:0 1 0)
   FW G. McClellan (0:0 0 0)
      UT S. Noodle (0:0 1 0)       UT R. Aitken (0:0 0 0)
                                   UT B. Godwit (0:1 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                                GH at SF
                                0  -  2
                               (8  -  7)

GK S. Hamam (0:0 0 0) (sub) GK B. Smurf (0:0 0 1)
       GK Y. Direk (0:0 0 0) @ 60
       SW F. Bahce (0:0 0 0) @ 30  SW M. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
         SW K. Koy (0:0 0 0) (sub)
        DF G. Tepe (0:1 0 0)       DF S. McDuck (0:0 0 0)
     DF K. Cekmece (0:0 0 1)       DF G. Rasputin (0:0 0 0)
         DF S. Yer (0:2 0 0)       DF E. Smurf (0:0 0 2)
        MF Y. Yurt (0:1 0 0)       MF K. Smurf (0:2 0 0)
          MF S. Li (0:1 0 0)       MF R. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
         MF E. Onu (0:1 0 0)       MF B. Simpson (0:2 0 0)
       MF B. Adasi (0:0 0 0) (bk)
        FW T. Kapi (0:0 0 0)       FW M. Mouse (2:2 0 0)
         FW B. Koz (0:2 0 0)       FW B. Cat (0:1 1 0)
                                   FW P. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                               TMM at FCA
                                0  -  0
                               (12  -  4)

GK P. Glass (0:0 0 1) @ 18  GK D. Miller (0:0 0 3)
   GK S. Prokofiev (0:0 0 0) (sub)
  SW A. Schweitzer (0:0 0 1)       SW G. Mills (0:0 0 1)
      DF P. Casals (0:2 0 0)       DF C. Miller (0:0 0 0) (RC)  @ 0
       DF C. Davis (0:0 0 1)       DF A. Tobin (0:0 0 0)
        DF C. Ives (0:0 0 0)       DF P. Okon (0:0 0 0)
    MF L. Janaczek (0:2 0 0)       MF A. Vidmar (0:0 0 0)
   MF P. Schickele (0:1 0 0)       MF D. Mori (0:1 0 0)
     MF A. Segovia (0:4 0 0)
     FW H. Berlioz (0:0 0 0)       FW C. Veart (0:0 0 0)
       FW G. Gould (0:1 0 0)       FW Z. Ilic (0:1 0 0)
                                   FW P. Agostino (0:1 0 0)
                                   FW D. Lowe (0:1 0 0)
     UT F. Valenti (0:2 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                                WC at AA
                                0  -  0
                               (1  -  7)

GK J. Hrivnak (0:0 0 2)       GK C. Machine (0:0 0 0)
                                   GK A. Byron (0:0 0 1)
        SW S. Cote (0:0 0 0)
   DF C. Johansson (0:0 0 0)       DF G. Flyball (0:1 0 0)
     DF B. Houlder (0:0 0 0)       DF B. Butterfly (0:0 0 0)
     DF K. Hatcher (0:1 0 0)       DF N. Wirth (0:0 0 0)
      MF R. Pearce (0:0 0 2) (bk)  MF A. Deetoo (0:1 0 0)
     MF M. Pivonka (0:0 0 0)       MF G. Hopper (0:0 0 0)
      MF M. Ridley (0:0 0 0)       MF N. Dale (0:0 0 0) (bk)
      MF D. Hunter (0:0 0 0)
   FW D. Khristich (0:0 0 0)       FW T. Tok (0:2 0 0)
     FW S. Maltais (0:0 0 0)       FW M. Wollstonecraft (0:1 0 0) (sub)
                                   FW B. Atanasoff (0:2 0 0)
                                   FW T. 99-4A (0:0 0 0) @18
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 7
                                WU at CP
                                1  -  3
                               (2  -  6)

GK T. Heath (0:0 0 0)       GK C. Fahlen (0:0 0 0)
     SW P. Ashdown (0:0 0 0)       SW P. Mondrian (0:0 0 0)
      DF D. Steele (0:0 0 0)       DF A. Burkhart (0:0 0 0)
        DF G. Howe (0:0 0 0)       DF S. Kokoska (0:1 0 0)
        DF D. Hurd (0:0 0 0) (sub) DF A. Holt (0:0 0 0)
     MF N. Kinnock (0:0 0 1)       MF K. Engleman (1:2 1 0)
       MF J. Smith (0:0 0 0)       MF D. Czerniawski (0:0 0 0)
        MF T. Benn (0:0 0 0)       MF N. Draper (0:0 0 0)
      FW T. Dayell (0:0 0 0)       FW M. Calabretta (0:0 0 0)
  FW K. Livingston (1:1 0 0)       FW P. McDonnell (2:2 0 0)
       FW D. Healy (0:1 0 0)
      UT J. Archer (0:0 0 0) @ 45  UT L. Engleman (0:1 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                                HE at AH
                                0  -  0
                               (2  -  5)
                                      1pen

GK A. Greenshank (0:0 0 2)       GK P. Harlock (0:0 0 0)
     SW D. Montagu (0:0 0 1) (bk)  SW K. Otonashi (0:0 0 0)
        DF M. Crow (0:0 0 0)       DF Y. Godai (0:1 0 0)
         DF S. Owl (0:0 0 0) (sub) DF L. McNichol (0:0 0 0)
        DF R. Muti (0:0 0 0)       DF L. Yuri (0:0 0 0)
    DF B. Redshank (0:1 0 0) @ 45
     MF T. Kestrel (0:1 0 0)       MF C. Kanuka (0:2 0 0)
     MF H. Goshawk (0:0 0 0)       MF Y. Shogo (0:0 0 0)
                                   MF N. Purpleton (0:0 0 0)
       FW R. Fleck (0:0 0 0)       FW H. Ken (0:3 0 0)
       FW J. Swift (0:0 0 0)       FW A. Rei (0:0 0 0)
   FW L. Gyrfalcon (0:0 0 0)       FW K. Uraki (0:0 0 0)
      UT B. Godwit (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                                GH at MMM
                                0  -  0
                               (3  -  1)

GK Y. Direk (0:0 0 0)       GK N. Abel (0:0 0 1)
       SW F. Bahce (0:0 0 0)       SW C. Parseval (0:0 0 0)
        DF H. Pasa (0:0 0 0)       DF A. Cauchy (0:0 0 0)
     DF B. Cekmece (0:0 0 0)       DF P. Wasserman (0:1 0 0)
     DF K. Cekmece (0:0 0 0)       DF C. Babbage (0:0 0 0)
                                   DF H. Poincare (0:0 0 1)
         MF B. Tas (0:1 0 0)       MF G. Mittag-Leffler (0:0 0 0)
         MF E. Onu (0:1 0 0)       MF S. Kovalevsky (0:0 0 0)
       MF B. Adasi (0:0 0 0) (sub)
       MF S. Ahmet (0:1 0 0) @ 30
        FW B. Oglu (0:0 0 0)       FW R. Pilatus (0:0 0 0)
        FW M. Pasa (0:0 0 0)       FW E. Galois (0:0 0 0)
      FW K. Toprak (0:0 0 0)
                                   UT A. Kolmogorov (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                               FCA at OBT
                                1  -  0
                               (2  -  2)

GK D. Miller (0:0 0 0)       GK B. Bartok (0:0 0 0)
    SW M. Ivanovic (0:0 0 0)       SW B. DeSanctis (0:0 0 0)
  DF P. Shillebeer (0:0 0 1)       DF S. Sparc (0:0 0 0)
      DF T. Vidmar (0:0 0 0)       DF G. DeSanctis (0:0 0 1)
        DF P. Okon (0:0 0 1)
      MF J. Mullen (0:0 0 0)       MF G. Worley (0:0 0 0)
      MF R. Aloisi (0:0 0 0)       MF Z. Barolo (0:1 0 0)
      MF J. Aloisi (0:0 0 0)       MF V. Override (0:0 0 0) (bk)
                                   MF J. Napier (0:1 0 0)
       FW E. Tapai (0:0 0 0)       FW I. Newton (0:0 0 0) @ 30
        FW Z. Ilic (0:0 0 0) @ 60  FW D. Worley (0:0 0 0)
    FW P. Agostino (0:1 0 0)       FW M. DeSanctis (0:0 0 0) (sub)
        FW D. Lowe (1:1 0 0) (sub)
                                   UT S. Noodle (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                                AA at SF
                                0  -  0
                               (7  -  1)

GK A. Byron (0:0 0 0)       GK W. Smurf (0:0 0 2)
     SW J. Thurman (0:0 0 1)       SW M. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
   DF N. Push-down (0:0 0 0)       DF A. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
   DF B. Butterfly (0:1 0 0)       DF G. Rasputin (0:0 0 0)
                                   DF E. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
        MF J. Loom (0:1 0 0)       MF D. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
      MF Z. Worley (0:0 0 0)       MF S. Ette (0:0 0 1)
        MF N. Dale (0:1 0 0) (bk)  MF R. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
                                   MF V. Smurf (0:1 0 0)
FW M. Wollstonecraft (0:1 0 0)       FW B. Karlof (0:0 0 0)
       FW 5. Dalek (0:2 0 0)       FW L. Smurf (0:0 0 0)
   FW B. Atanasoff (0:1 0 0)
     UT T. Machine (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                                CP at TMM
                                0  -  2
                               (0  -  4)

GK G. Fennemore (0:0 0 1)       GK P. Glass (0:0 0 0) @ 72
                                   GK S. Prokofiev (0:0 0 0) (sub)
                                   SW A. Schweitzer (0:0 0 0)
    DF A. Burkhart (0:0 0 1)       DF A. Borodin (0:0 0 0)
      DF J. Dunsby (0:0 0 0)       DF C. Davis (0:0 0 0)
        DF M. Roth (0:0 0 0)       DF P. Tchaikovsky (0:0 0 0)
        DF A. Holt (0:0 0 0)
    MF H. Stickles (0:0 0 0)       MF F. Delius (1:1 0 0)
 MF D. Czerniawski (0:0 0 0)       MF L. Janaczek (0:1 1 0)
                                   MF B. Franklin (0:0 0 0)
   FW P. McDonnell (0:0 0 0)       FW H. Berlioz (0:1 0 0)
     FW D. Hopkins (0:0 0 0) (bk)  FW T. Paine (0:0 0 0)
    UT C. Whittall (0:0 0 0)       UT N. Paganini (1:1 0 0)
  UT J. Kockelmans (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 8
                                WU at WC
                                2  -  3
                               (13  -  9)

GK T. Heath (0:0 0 1)       GK D. Beaupre (0:0 0 3)
     SW P. Ashdown (0:0 0 0)       SW S. Cote (0:0 0 1)
     DF R. Jenkins (0:0 0 0)       DF M. Ferner (0:0 0 1)
        DF D. Hurd (0:0 0 1)       DF B. Houlder (0:0 0 0)
    DF W. Whitelaw (0:0 0 0)
     MF N. Kinnock (0:0 0 0)       MF R. Burridge (0:0 0 0)
        MF M. Foot (0:0 0 0)       MF P. Bondra (0:1 0 0)
     MF D. Skinner (0:2 0 0)       MF D. Hunter (0:0 0 0)
       FW J. Major (0:3 0 0)       FW D. Khristich (1:2 1 0)
  FW K. Livingston (0:4 1 0)       FW S. Maltais (1:3 0 0)
       FW D. Healy (2:4 0 0)       FW S. Leach (0:1 0 0)
                                   FW J. Druce (1:2 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                                AH at GH
                                0  -  7
                               (3  -  21)

GK N. Romanova (0:0 0 4)       GK Y. Direk (0:0 0 0) (sub)
                                   GK G. Saray (0:0 0 0) @30
      SW L. Minmei (0:0 0 1)
    DF S. Lhardott (0:0 0 2)       DF H. Pasa (0:0 0 1)
        DF L. Yuri (0:1 0 0)       DF G. Tepe (0:0 0 0)
   DF A. Moroboshi (0:0 0 1)       DF B. Cekmece (0:0 0 1)
                                   DF S. Yer (0:0 0 0)
    MF E. Takanaka (0:1 0 0)       MF B. Tas (1:6 1 0)
       MF Y. Shogo (0:0 0 0)       MF Y. Yurt (0:1 0 0)
   MF N. Purpleton (0:0 0 0)       MF S. Li (0:2 0 0)
         FW L. Kei (0:0 0 0)       FW B. Oglu (4:7 0 0)
     FW H. Ichijoo (0:1 0 0)       FW T. Kapi (1:3 1 0)
       FW K. Uraki (0:0 0 0)       FW M. Pasa (1:2 0 0) (sub)
                                   FW Y. Va (0:0 0 0) (RC) @28
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                                HE at FCA
                                0  -  0
                               (3  -  4)

GK I. Kipnis (0:0 0 0) (sub) GK M. Bosnic (0:0 0 0)
  GK A. Greenshank (0:0 0 0) @ 45
      SW A. Martin (0:0 0 1)       SW G. Mills (0:0 0 0)
        DF B. Rook (0:0 0 1)       DF M. Brooks (0:0 0 0)
        DF R. Muti (0:0 0 0)       DF A. Tobin (0:0 0 1)
    DF B. Redshank (0:1 0 0)
    MF T. Bateleur (0:0 0 0)       MF A. Vidmar (0:2 0 0)
     MF T. Kestrel (0:0 0 0)       MF R. Aloisi (0:0 0 0)
                                   MF J. Aloisi (0:0 0 0)
                                   MF D. Mori (0:0 0 0)
      FW I. Wright (0:0 0 0)       FW R. Blair (0:1 0 0)
       FW R. Fleck (0:1 0 0)       FW C. Veart (0:0 0 0) (bk)
   FW L. Gyrfalcon (0:1 0 0)       FW Z. Ilic (0:1 0 0) (bk)
      UT R. Aitken (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                               MMM at AA
                                1  -  1
                               (8  -  14)

GK N. Gibb (0:0 0 5)       GK C. Machine (0:0 0 3)
                                   SW J. Thurman (0:0 0 1)
     DF T. Kohonen (0:0 0 1)       DF G. Flyball (0:0 0 2)
   DF P. Wasserman (0:0 0 1)       DF N. Push-down (0:1 0 0)
     DF C. Babbage (0:0 0 0)       DF N. Wirth (0:0 0 0)
MF G. Mittag-Leffler (0:2 0 0) (bk)  MF J. Loom (0:0 0 0)
       MF F. Klein (0:1 0 0)       MF Z. Worley (0:2 0 0)
  MF S. Kovalevsky (0:1 0 0)       MF G. Hopper (0:6 0 0)
      FW K. Worley (0:0 0 0)       FW T. Tok (0:2 0 0)
                                   FW 5. Dalek (1:2 0 0)
  UT A. Kolmogorov (1:2 0 0)       UT T. Machine (0:1 0 0)
 UT K. Weierstrass (0:2 0 0)
     UT D. Hilbert (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                               OBT at CP
                                0  -  0
                               (6  -  6)

GK S. Ozawa (0:0 0 2)       GK G. Fennemore (0:0 0 1)
   SW B. DeSanctis (0:0 0 0)       SW P. Mondrian (0:0 0 2)
       DF S. Sparc (0:1 0 0)       DF J. Dunsby (0:0 0 0)
   DF H. DeSanctis (0:1 0 1)       DF S. Kokoska (0:0 0 0)
    DF M. Marietta (0:0 0 0)       DF M. Roth (0:0 0 0)
      MF G. Worley (0:1 0 0) @ 45  MF H. Stickles (0:1 0 0)
      MF Z. Barolo (0:0 0 0)       MF K. Engleman (0:2 0 0)
      MF D. Quayle (0:0 0 0)
      MF J. Napier (0:0 0 0) (sub)
      FW I. Newton (0:1 0 0)       FW M. Calabretta (0:3 0 0)
     FW H. Szeryng (0:1 0 0)
   FW G. McClellan (0:1 0 0)
                                   UT C. Whittall (0:0 0 0)
                                   UT L. Engleman (0:0 0 0)
                                   UT J. Kockelmans (0:0 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                                SF at WU
                                2  -  0
                               (5  -  8)

GK W. Smurf (0:0 0 1)       GK J. Callaghan (0:0 0 1)
                                   SW B. Gould (0:0 0 0)
       DF A. Smurf (1:1 0 0)       DF R. Jenkins (0:0 0 1)
      DF S. McDuck (0:0 1 1)       DF D. Hurd (0:1 0 0) (sub)
       DF G. Smurf (0:0 0 3)       DF W. Whitelaw (0:0 0 0)
                                   DF K. Baker (0:0 0 0) @45
       MF D. Smurf (0:1 0 0)       MF J. Smith (0:1 0 0)
       MF K. Smurf (1:1 0 0)       MF D. Skinner (0:1 0 0)
       MF V. Smurf (0:0 0 0)       MF T. Benn (0:0 0 0)
       FW M. Mouse (0:0 0 0)       FW J. Major (0:3 0 0)
      FW B. Karlof (0:1 0 0)       FW N. Tebbit (0:0 0 0)
         FW B. Cat (0:1 0 0) (bk)
       FW M. Tudor (0:0 0 0)
                                   UT M. Hesseltine (0:2 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
                                Match 9
                               TMM at WC
                                2  -  0
                               (7  -  6)

GK S. Prokofiev (0:0 0 2)       GK J. Hrivnak (0:0 0 0)
         SW J. Jay (0:0 0 0)
     DF A. Borodin (0:1 0 1)       DF M. Ferner (0:0 0 1)
      DF P. Casals (0:1 0 2)       DF C. Johansson (0:0 0 0)
        DF C. Ives (0:0 0 0) (bk)  DF B. Houlder (0:0 0 0)
                                   DF K. Hatcher (0:0 0 0)
      MF F. Delius (1:2 0 0)       MF R. Pearce (0:0 0 0)
   MF P. Schickele (0:2 0 0)       MF M. Pivonka (0:1 0 0)
     MF A. Segovia (0:0 1 0)       MF M. Ridley (0:0 0 0)
       FW G. Gould (0:0 0 0)       FW S. Maltais (0:1 0 0)
                                   FW S. Leach (0:1 0 0)
                                   FW J. Druce (0:3 0 0)
    UT N. Paganini (0:0 0 0)
     UT F. Valenti (1:1 0 0)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
AA:

In keeping with the spirit of Xmas, EEFL, and UEFL, the Automata present
the final stanza of "The 12 days of Christmas."

On the 12th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:
		12 Forwards scoring
		11 Keepers saving
		10 Lemmings Leaping
		9 Fullbacks Marking
		8 Double plusses
		7 Mascots dancing
		6 Shocker's Cups
		5 MVP's!
		4 Training Points
		3 Blow-outs
		2 1st round picks
		and a huge win over MMM!

AH:

[I accidentally lost the press from Anime Hentais.  Here's a substitute one.]

----- Begin substituted press
                        The Pet Shoppe

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer : 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C : 'Ello, Miss?
Owner : What do you mean "miss"?
C : <pause> I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a complaint!
O : We're closin' for lunch.
C : Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about this parrot what I
   purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O : Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C : I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's
   wrong with it!
O : No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C : Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking
   at one right now.
O : No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!  Remarkable bird, the Norwegian
   Blue, idn'it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!
C : The plumage don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.
O : Nononono, no, no!  'E's resting!
C : All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
   (shouting at the cage)
   'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot!  I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if
   you show...(owner hits the cage)
O : There, he moved!
C : No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O : I never!!
C : Yes, you did!
O : I never, never did anything...
C : (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
   Testing! Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter.  Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C : Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O : No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C : STUNNED?!?
O : Yeah!  You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!  Norwegian Blues
   stun easily, major.
C : Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this.
   That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour
   ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
   tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O : Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C : PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is that?, look, why
   did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O : The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!  Remarkable bird, id'nit,
   squire?  Lovely plumage!
C : Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home,
   and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in
   the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

O : Well, o'course it was nailed there!  If I hadn't nailed that bird down,
   it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and
   VOOM!  Feeweeweewee!
C : "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts
   through it!  'E's bleedin' demised!
O : No no!  'E's pining!
C : 'E's not pinin'!  'E's passed on!  This parrot is no more!  He has ceased
   to be!  'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!  'E's a stiff!  Bereft
   of life, 'e rests in peace!  If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be
   pushing up the daisies!  'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!  'E's off
   the twig!  'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
   down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
   THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!

(pause)

O : Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O :  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're
    right out of parrots.
C : I see.  I see, I get the picture.
O : <pause> I got a slug.

(pause)

C : (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O : Nnnnot really.
C : WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O : Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace
   the parrot for you.
C : Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop.  The owner is putting on a false
moustache.

C : This is Bolton, is it?
O : (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C : (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C : I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant : I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C : I beg your pardon...?
A : I'm a qualified brain surgeon!  I only do this job because I like
   being my own boss!
C : Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A : Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines,
   you know.
C : Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself
   deposited here in Ipswitch.
A : No, this is Bolton.
C : (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A : Can't blame British Rail for that.
C : In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C : I understand this IS Bolton.
O : (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C : You told me it was Ipswitch!
O : ...It was a pun.
C : (pause) A PUN?!?
O : No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards
   as forwards?
C : (Long pause)  A palindrome...?
O : Yeah, that's it!
C : It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!!
   It don't work!!
O : Well, what do you want?
C : I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think
   this is getting too silly!
----- End substituted press

[Ha!  Fooled you into reading this, didn't I?]

(AH) -- This reporter found the doors to the Anime Hentais training room
locked from the inside.  Knocking only produced the following response:
"Go away!"  This reporter was unable to determine who's voice it was.

CP:

HE:

-- St. Andrews Herald --

With the onset of inclement weather as the holiday break approaches, little is
to be seen or heard from the Eagles ground - more likely than not because the
ground is cut off by the snow. This does of course, make it a tad interesting
for the visiting fans and team of OBT in session C. Maybe the cold weather is
going to upset the League high fliers and finally, make the Eagles take
proverbial flight from their lofty nests. Stay tuned!

-- End --

MMM:

We notice MMM has come to it's sences. Now we're gonna watch
Cosby on TV... eh... maybe we should attend a match?

OBT:

OBT Management expressed its outrage at the conscious and malicious
decision by the Minutemen to play the same lineup against OBT as they had
played against the Automata by refusing to generate any offense whatsoever
against FCA.  Quoted Manager Buffum, "We hadn't unveiled the patented
Overwhelming Stall this entire season, so we felt it only appropriate that
we pull out all the stops, especially in a session where the inspirational
Plankton were an opponent."  Apparently proper, understandable grammar was
added to Buffum's list of Overwhelming things over the weekend.  As a parting
shot at the Minutemen, Buffum quipped, "I had been pronouncing their team
name incorrectly, obviously.  I thought it was Min' ut men, but perhaps
My noot' men is more appropriate.  Besides, they had an entire cheering
section from Lexington or Concord which kept yelling, 'The British are
coming!  The British are coming!' every time Ike Newton touched the ball.
It was very disconcerting."  Added forward George McClellan, "I don't
see how they expect to win over a world-class opponent with uniforms like
that."
	A second disappointing showing by GK Seiji Ozawa against Westminster
further fueled rumors that Bela Bartok would again take over as the #1 keeper
for OBT, especially after a fine but wasted 5-save effort against the Tiny
Team.  Ozawa was blaming the lone goal on the unevenness of the unorthodox
stone playing surface at the Abbey, but whispers behind the scenes surmised
that Ozawa may not yet be over the "hotfoot" incident of a week ago.  De-
fender Martin Marietta was unavailable for comment, but after consulting
with agent Legal System, he did mention that if Exxon can avoid $1 billion
in damages in Alaska, then OBT may actually owe HIM money.
	On a lighter note, talks have begun with noted cartoonist Charles
M. Schulz, the creator of the lovable Peanuts gang, to star in several
promotional slots for the team.  "Have you seen his strip in the last six
months?" Buffum explained.  "The man is obviously totally senile.  He would
be a perfect team spokesman."  Schulz was unavailable for comment, but in-
siders say that Schulz may consider the offer if it includes care, feeding,
and pederasty.

SF:

TMM:
	Boston (UPI) - "We have not yet begun to fight," announced Manager
Gibson.  When told by rookie MF Ben Franklin that we were already in
Session C, he corrected himself saying "Oh, I guess we already have. How
are we doing?"  After the realization Gibson said that maybe the Minutemen
should start playing their draft acquisitions.  Franklin said that he
thought it would be a good idea.
	At a later press conference, Gibson, after being updated on the
season so far, said he was proud of how the club was doing and wished he
had more trainers.  He was upset about losing the SHOT 'on goal' TOURNEY
to Golden Horn but was glad to hear that the Minutemen had come back
firing and had beaten GH in the first match of the season.  He was amazed
that the only loss the club had so far was to AA.  When asked what he
thought about this session, Gibson replied that he hoped to play FCA well
while visiting them and that he was worried by the Capitol's GKs as they
have blocked an impressive number of shots.

WC:

Y'know, this is the third consecutive home stand for the 'Caps.
Come spring...   WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!!

WU:
Following a relatively successful outing in session B, Westminster go into
session C full of confidence. Manager Watts has been giving press interviews
all week. He was reputed to have told one reporter that the Smurfs were in for
a drubbing this session, but we'll have to wait and see - WU have two tough
away matches prior to meeting the Smurfs in front of a sell-out home crowd.
Intel phone:  6-4668			wickart@ichips.intel.com