Summit of E-Wrestling, Day 1

From: supermeo@cs.mcgill.ca (Francois LARAMEE)

Date: Fri, 27 Dec 1991 17:42:23 +0000

The Summit of E-Wrestling, Day 1
--- ------ -- ------------ --- -

Lord: : "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the second Summit of e-wrestling!
  I am Lord Winfred Vague, your host for this week-long extravaganza pitting
  the best of the WeWF, the UeWF, the UFWS and the IWF against each other!
  Because of unpredictable circumstances, the Royal Rumble had to be delayed,
  but we are nonetheless quite ready to get under way; right now, standing
  by in Madison Square Garden for the opening rounds of the UeWF Championship
  tournaments are Vince McMayonnaise and Mark DeMandable, but before we go
  to New York, let's kick off the Summit with this spectacular eight-man
  tag-team match, live from the Montreal Forum! Here are your commentators,
  Magilla Mongoose and The Romulan Mauler!"

Lucifer, Baron Von Klaw, Jimmy "The Body" Vendetta and Freddie
      "Dr Feelgood" Fitness vs The Guardians and The Gentlemen

Magilla: "All right! We are now ready for our first inter-federation
  match, and boy is it gonna be a big one: eight men, two from each
  team in the ring at hte same time... WOW!"

Mauler: "Absolutely. But the self-proclaimed Real Junior Heavyweight
  champion, Von Klown, may have bitten off more than he could chew. I
  mean, really, does he think that he can hold his own against
  Gentleman Jim Nice?"

Magilla: "I don't know, but the Gentlemen themselves have their opinion
  about that, as we recorded earlier. Let's listen to their comments."

[roll tape]

(The Gentlemen and The Guardians are dressed like Santas.)

GJG: Christmas is coming a little late for me this year. You see the only
         thing I want for Christmas is just one good clean shot at Freddie
         "He's going to NEED a doctor" Fitness and Lucifer, the Prince of
         Dorkness, and that's what Santa is going to bring me later tonite
         at our summit match.  And Von Klaw and Vendetta, I figure you
         two will just be desert after we finish cooking Freddies Christmas
         goose.

(Gilette turns around, takes a maestro's stick, and motions to the
    others).

GJG: You better back-out,
    GJN: You better not show,
    GJG: You better chicken out,
    GJN: I'm telling you so,
   Both: The Gentleman are coming to town.
  Mason: We signed us a match,
 Castle: We checked it out twice,
  Mason: Gonna team up with,
 Castle: Gillette and Nice,
   Both: The Guardians are coming to town.
    GJG: We'll whip you to the ring-ropes,
  Mason: Then slam you to the mat,
    GJN: We're gonna roll you up and pin you,
 Castle: And what will you do about THAT?
  Mason: You better back-out,
    GJG: You better not show,
    GJN: You better chicken out,
 Castle: We're telling you so,
    ALL: ELSE WE'RE GONNA WHIP YOU, TONIGHT.
                    [end tape]

Mauler: "HAHAHAHA! Good stuff guys!"

Magilla: "Hum... Von Klaw and his cohorts may be a little bit weird, but they
  are not cowards, and I don't think that they will appreciate... Lucifer
  recorded these comments for us a little earlier:"

Lucifer: "I'll never tire of crippling the Gentlemans as long as they continue
    this 'nice guy' style.  Nice and Gilette, you're going to burn in Hell...
    and same goes to the Guardians and everybody who lowers himself to the
    level of these two sissies.  The Dark Powers shall reign!"

Coward Pickle: "Ladies and Gentlemen, our first match of the night is an
  eight-man tag-team match, with two men of each team in the ring at all
  times!"

Magilla: "And here he comes, Lucifer! <Hell Awaits by Slayer blasts away
  in the loudspeakers as Lucifer walks down the aisle, wearing a haut-de-
  forme and carrying a cane. He insults a few fans, throws the hat on the
  ground, stomps on it, breaks the cane and throws the remains in the
  Gentlemen's future corner!>"

Mauler: "What a dork!"

Coward Pickle: "His partner... Coming down the aisle, with his manager,
  Sir Walter Raleigh... <Dr Feelgood by the Crue blasts even louder, as
  do the jeers from the crowd>... Freddie... Dr Feelgood... FITNESS!!!"

Coward: "Introducing next... <Screaming for Vengeance by Judas' Priest>...
  From Fort Lauderdale, Florida... Weighing 245 pounds... The self-proclaimed
  Real Legend of E-Wrestling... Jimmy... "THE BODY"... Ven-DETTTTAAAAA!"

Mauler: "What! REAL LIVING LEGEND???? Oh, this guy needs a lesson!"

Magilla: "Calm down, Mauler! We all know that your partner the Black Widow
  is the real living legend, and Vendetta more than anyone else; he probably
  included that in his ring intro just to piss you off..."

Mauler: "Well it worked!"

Coward: "And the captain of their team... Accompanied to the ring by his
  military chief of staff, Field Marchall Wilhelm Panzer... And also escorted
  by The Surf Nazis ... From Montreal, Third Reich!... Weighing 220 pounds...
  Here is the self-proclaimed REAL World's Junior Heavyweight Champion...
  Baron Von Klaw!!!"

Magilla: "What a despicable bunch!"

Coward: "And their opponents... <Crowd pops>... Coming down the aisle... at a
  total combined weight of eleven hundred and fourty pounds... The Guardians
  and The Gentlemen!"

Magilla: "And this first match is under way! The Guardians are going to start
  things off for the good guys, against Freddie Fitness and Jimmy Vendetta...
  And the Guardians deliver a stunning shoulder block on Vendetta, and a
  double clothesline on Fitness that sends him flying over the top rope!
  <crowd pops>"

Mauler: "Vendetta quickly tags out to Lucifer, but Fitness landed on his
  head outside of the ring and Lucifer is alone against the Guardians!"

Magilla: "Mason tags out to Gentleman Jim Nice... Nice puts Lucifer in a
  side headlock, and Castle goes to the second rope... Flying axehandle to
  Lucifer's back!... Freddie Fitness makes it back into the ring an tags
  The Body... Castle makes the tag to Gentleman Gillette, who decks Lucifer
  once again with a dropkick... and the Gentlemen welcome Jimmy Vendetta
  with a double-dropkick!"

Mauler: "That Gillette is razor-sharp tonight!"

Magilla: "Oh, brother! You've been taking lessons from Lanny, haven't you?..
  The Gentlemen are starting a crowd chant, while the heels try to revamp
  their strategy... Freddie Fitness and Jimmy Vendetta lock up with the
  Gentleman and... hey, what's that? Those Surf Nazis are tying up the
  referee, and Field Marshall Panzer hands something to Baron Von Klaw..."

Mauler: "It's a pair of brass knuckles!"

Magilla: "Vendetta, holding Nice in a headlock, moves to his corner AND VON
  KLAW HITS JIM NICE WITH THE BRASS KNUCKLES!!!"

Mauler: "The referee saw none of it, and Jim Gillette can't reach his
  partner! Nice is in BIG trouble!"

Magilla: "Von Klaw tags in, and goose-steps around the ring! <crowd boos>...
  Freddie Fitness tosses Jim Gillette into the corner, and charges in with
  a shoulder block to the midsection... Von Klaw whips Nice into the ropes...
  Choke Slam! And Von Klaw covers: One! Two! Kickout!... Von Klaw makes the
  tag to Lucifer, while Freddie Fitness pounds on Jim Gillette with every-
  thing but the kitchen sink... No, there's the kitchen sink, handed out by
  Sir Walter!"

Mauler: "The Guardians are trying to start a rally chant, but the Gentlemen
  are overmatched right now."

Magilla: "Lucifer is looking at Von Klaw, who is giving him some sign
  instructions... HE IS TEACHING HIM THE KLAW HOLD!!! LUCIFER SLAPS THE
  KLAW ON JIM NICE!"

Mauler: "But on the opposite corner, Jim Gillette is taking the advantage!
  He is punishing "Dr Feelgood" with karate chops and kicks, and whips him
  across the ring AND RIGHT INTO LUCIFER!!! <crowd pops>... This breaks the
  Klaw and should give Nice a much needed chance to tag out... Gillette
  picks up his partner and carries him to his corner, and the Guardians
  tag in!"

Magilla: "And they go to work on Lucifer with a double suplex... And Castle
  hits Fitness with a backbreaker! He covers: One! Two! Kickout!... Castle
  whips Fitness into the ropes, but Fitness makes the tag to Jimmy Vendetta
  on the way..."

Mauler: "I don't think that Castle saw that..."

Magilla: "Castle bends down for a backdrop, but Jimmy V leaps off the top
  rope and applies a devastating flying bulldog! One! Two! Three! It's over!"

Coward: "Here are your winners: the team of Freddie Fitness, Lucifer, Jimmy
  Vendetta and Baron Von Klaw!"

Magilla: "But it's not over yet: the bad guys quadruple-team the downed
  Castle; Sir Walter, Wilhelm Panzer and the Surf Nazis try to interfere,
  but are held back by a bunch of ringside officials... The Gentlemen and
  Mason are battling it out with Von Klaw, Lucifer and Fitness, but Jimmy
  Vendetta has put the helpless Castle in the Vengeance Figure-four!!! <snap>
  There goes Castle's knee... Someone do SOMETHING... HEY! I didn't mean
  YOU, Mauler!"

Magilla: "Well, that's it from the Forum; we will now continue this
  broadcast from the MSG in New York, here is Vince McMayonnaise!"

*****************************************************************

Vince: 'Alright it's time to get things underway here in the UeWF Championship
	Tournaments where we'll be crowning our first ever UeWF Champions!'

DeMandable: 'You don't say McMayonaisse?  And here I thought we were gonna give
	out UFWS belts at a UeWF Championship Tournament, darn.'

Vince: 'Oh will you relax?  Anyway, up today we have the first round of action
	in the men's tag tournament, as well second round action in the World
	Championship Tournament! This should be an exciting day!'

DeMandable: 'Second Round action? What happened to the first round?'

Vince: 'Due to time considerations, The first round of singles action had to be
	held earlier today. Here are the results...'

Mr.B pinned Oink Zeggpold
Mosh survived The Shropshire Slasher
Jake "Canadian" Shield barely pinned Pain
Admiral Ax pinned R.U.Reddy
Lord Plunder pinned Brimstone Baxter
Eddie Awesome barely pinned Despiar
Lucifer survived The Ultimate Lanny
T'ien "The Master" Lung pinned Biff "The Terror" Jones

Vince: 'That makes the second round match ups....
	Mr.B vs Mosh
	Jake "Canadian" Shield vs Admiral Ax
	Brimstone Baxter vs "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome
	Lucifer vs T'ien "The Master" Lung

DeMandable: 'Then let's get this show on the road.  Our first match is ...
	Carnage squaring off against The Forces of Destruction, I'd have to give
	the easy win to Carnage here.  They're not the Intoxicators, but they're
	still pretty good.'

Vince: 'Of course they're not the Intoxicators, The Intoxicators are in JAIL!
	I don't think that you can count out FoD either though, they've looked
	pretty impressive last week, let's go to Coward in the ring.....'

Coward: "Entering the ring first, at a total combined weight of 514 pounds, and
	led by their manager, Lord Plunder, Crash and Burn........Carnage!"

('Born to be Wild' blares over the speakers, but not loud enough to drown out
  the chorus of boos coming from the crowd as Crash, Burn, and Lord PLunder make
  their way ringside, dodging paper wads hurled from the audience.)

Coward: "And their opponents, led to the ring by THEIR manager, Ace Diamond,
	representing TNT Enterprises, at a total combined weight of 564 lbs,
	Brimstone Baxter and Cannonbal Calhoun, The Forces of Destruct....ion!"

(The crowd goes nuts as Baxter and Calhoun make their way ringside and begin
  posing for the crowd.)

Calhoun started off against Crash and sent him to the canvas with a snap
clothesline, but Crash got back up and slammed Calhoun to the mat.  Crash
whipped Calhoun off the ropes, but he ducked too early and Calhoun caught him
with a knee and made the tag to Baxter.  Crash struggled for his corner, but
Baxter cut him off and then planted him into the mat with a series of quick
DDT's and went for the pin, but Burn made the save.  Crash made the tag, and
Burn went to work on Brimstone and suplexed him out of the ring! Crash and
Burn went to work double teaming Baxter outside of the ring, Lord Plunder
keeping Cannonball Calhoun at bay.  Burn slammed Baxter into the ringpost and
then climbed back into the ring as Crash slammed Baxter into the ringside
barrier, and it was looking pretty grim for The Forces of Destruction, and sure
enough before Brimstone could make his way back into the ring, the referee
counted to ten and Carnage moved to the semi-finals by countout.

DeMandable: 'Alright, I told you those bozos in the crowd were a bunch of idiots
	I bet Carnage goes all the way.'

Vince: 'Maybe, but they have to get passed Dangerous Emotions first.  And that's
	not until tomorrow.  Right now we have the other half of the quarter-
	finals in the tag matches. Coward?'

Coward: 'Coming to the ring at this time, led by their manager Mr.Fugi, the
	tag team of The Grave Robber and The Unknown Assailant, The Annihilation
	Alliance!'

(The trio comes ringside to boos from the crowd, but they seem to actually ENJOY
 being boo'd...)

Coward: 'And facing them, coming to the ring now, the team of Mr.B and Action
	Man <The Crowd Pops> The Uncertainty....PRINCIPLE!!!!'

(Mr.B and Action Man come down the aisle to outrageous cheers from the crowd,
 but they never make it all the way to the ring before Grave-Robber and the
 Assailant attack.)

Grave-Robber and The Assailant attacked Mr.B and Action Man before they could
even make it down the aisle, trading punches and kicks back and forth.  Mr.B
dropkicked The Assailant into the cheapseats just as the bell rang to start the
match, and it looked like he'd be the only one to make it into the ring as The
Grave-Robber and Action Man knocked heads together and collapsed on the concrete
floor and The Assailant was still struggling to get up out of the chairs, but
Mr.Fugi cracked him with his cane and sent to him the floor, where he repeatedly
kicked at him until the referee had counted BOTH teams out!  The result, both
teams were counted out, and so The Armed Forces earn a bye all the way to the
finals!

Vince: 'A double Disqualification! That means that the Armed Forces will make it
	to the finals without a wrestling a single match in this tournament?
	That's not really fair!'

DeMandable: 'Life isn't fair McMayonaisse, it's not like beating either one of
	those teams would've given them much trouble any way.'

Vince: 'Maybe, but I still don't think that it should be allowed to happen.'

DeMandable: 'McMayonaisse, when are you gonna realize no one cares what you
	think?  Now let's get the singles action under way, who's up first?'

Vince: 'Well let's go to Coward and see....'

Coward: 'Our next match is scheduled for one fall.  Standing in the corner to my
	left, with his manager Fender Marshall, Mosh!
	<enormous boos from the crowd>
	and his opponent, the #1 Contender in the UeWF, Mr.B!
	<The Crowd erupts as Mr.B accompanied by Action Man and The ANZAC
	makes his way ringside>

DeMandable: 'Look at that Mr.B has to bring friends to beat Mosh?  And
	he's the number one contender?  HAHAHAHAHAHA!'

Vince: 'I think Mr.B is just trying to make sure no one tries to attack him like
	last match, I imagine his back is still hurting!'

Sure enough Thrash rolled out from under the ring and tried to attack Mr.B, but
the ANZAC and Action Man quickly cut him off and before long both Thrash AND
Fender Marshall were carted away from ringside, much to the displeasure of Mosh.
But try as he might, the referee refused to disqualify Mr.B.  So the match
went on.  Mr.B took the early initiative, whipping Mosh off the ropes and
catching the rocker with a dropkick.  B scooped him back up and then slammed
him back down with a bodyslam, and then a suplex.  Mr.B went for the pin, but
Mosh kicked out at two.  It was looking grim for Mosh as Mr.B whipped him off
the ropes one more time, but as his head went down Mosh took advantage of the
situation and bulldogged the B into the canvas.  Mosh went to work on Mr.B's
back and B was clearly in pain as Mosh hit him with a series of backbreakers and
elbows to the back.  Mosh strapped on the Boston Crab and it looked like
curtains for Mr.B, but somehow he managed to powerout.  Mosh went right
back to work, finally climbing to the top rope to finish off Mr.B with a flying
splash, but Mr.B caught Mosh in time and rolled him up in a small package.  Mosh
was caught completely by surprise and Mr.B held on for the pin.  He got the win,
but left the ring holding his back.

Vince: 'Mr.B advances past Mosh, he'll face the winner of the Jake "Canadian"
	Shield/Admiral Ax match up next.'

Coward: 'Entering the ring first <'O Canada' begins playing over the speakers>
	weighing in at 245 lbs, Jake...."Canadian"....Shield!!'

(The crowd erupts as Jake makes his way ringside dressed in his RCMP uniform.
 Halfway down the aisle he stops, takes off his hat, and places it on the head
 of a young fan confined to a wheelchair, the crowd erupts again, as he climbs
 into the ring.)

'And his opponent....one-third of the Armed Forces...Admiral Ax'

(Admiral Ax enters the arena to mixed but slightly positive response, until he
 stopped long enough to snatch the hat of the childs head and stomp it into the
 ground, setting the boy to crying, and getting BIG boos from the crowd.)

Vince: 'I can't believe that he just did that!'

DeMandable: 'I know he should've stompd on it while it was still on the kids'
 	head! HAHAHAHAH!'

Vince: 'Oh you are SICK!'

Jake Shield took incredible exception to Ax's little act and he went berserk
punching, kicking, and hammering away at the big man.  Ax was rocked and Jake
went up to the tope rope, but Axfell into the rope and Jake crotched himself on
the turnbuckle.  Ax recovered his senses in the meantime and superplexed Jake
out to the middle of the ring.  He went for the atomic leg drop, but Jake rolled
away at the last minute.  Jake's return dropkick put Ax down and out once again,
and the next sent him sailing out of the ring.  When Ax returned to the ring, he
came in swinging a chair and plastered the referee, just in time for Jake
to hammer him back to the ring floor with a big elbow.  Jake rolled him back
into the ring and went for the cover, but the ref was still out cold.  Jake
managed to revive the ref, but just as he did, Ax bulldoged the Canadian and
ONE! TWO! THREE! and a win for Admiral Ax!

DeMandable: 'How about those incredible tactics on the part of The Admiral?'

Vince: 'Incredible? Jake Shield had him pinned!'

DeMandable: 'Admiral Ax LET Shield go for the pin because he knew the ref
	couldn't count him out!  What brilliance!'

Vince: 'Admiral Ax should be disqualified for knocking out the ref!'

DeMandable: 'That's IRRELEVANT, he WASN'T disqualified, so let's get on with
	the matches.'

Coward: 'Now entering the ring, the Fabulous One, The Totally Awesome Dude,
	"Fabulous" Eddie.....Awesome!'

Vince: 'Did you see that! DID YOU SEE THAT!'

DeMandable: 'I'm not blind....OR DEAF, McMayonaisse!'

Vince: 'He just MOONED the crowd! I don't believe the man's nerve!'

Coward: 'And his opponent, from Plunder Castle England, <'Rule Britannia' blares
	through the arena> Lord Plunder!

(Plunder's boos rival those Admiral Ax received as he makes his way down to the
 ring. He stops long enough to scoop up the RCMP hat still laying crushed on the
 ground, dusts it off and....tosses it back to the floor to stomp on it again!>

Vince: 'Is everyone in this place out of control?'

DeMandable: 'What do you mean?'

Plunder rushed into the ring and started things off in a fury, but Awesome slid
out of the ring and managed to catch his breath, before Plunder came out after
him.  Awesome slid back in the ring to get away, but not quickly enough as
Plunder got a hold of his foot and slammed his leg into the ringpost, and again,
and again, until he was about to be counted out.  Plunder rolled back in and
flattend the hurting Awesome with a closed fist punch.  The referee tried to
issue a warning, but Plunder brushed him out of the way and pressed Awesome
over his head, and heaved him out of the ring onto the barrier!  Awesome was
split open, and Plunder went out after him and tossed him back into the ring.
Awesome was down, but not out. He slid out the other side of the ring and when
Plunder followed him out he grabbed him and tossed him into the barrier. Plunder
was stunned and Awesome took the chance to repay an old debt and bounced Plunder
off the ringpost three times in a row, splitting Plunder open as well.  Awesome
rolled an almost uncoscious Plunder back into the ring, but when he tried to get
back in himself, Plunder booted him in the face, sending him sprawling and
stopping him from getting back into the ring in time.  Plunder by countout.

DeMandable: 'Way to go Plunder!'

Vince: 'I thougt you didn't cheer for anyone except the Four Corners?'

DeMandable: 'Oh yeah, thanks. Plunder you STINK!'

Coward: 'This is the final match of the day.  Introducing in the corner to my
	left....LUCIFER!! <boos rain down from the crowd> And his opponent in
	the corner to my right, with his manager The Magician, T'ien "The
	Master" Lung! <the boos suddenly turn into ecstatic cheers>. This match
	will determine the fourth finalist for the Championship series.'

This match started out slower then any of the rest of the matches, the two men
sizing each other up first.  Then T'ien broke loose with a series of chops and
nerve strikes that set Lucifer on his butt.  He got up and was met by a
thunderous round-house kick that flipped him over the ropes.  T'ien followed him
to the floor, stepping right into the Lucifer's trap....and Lucifer delivered a
picture perfect headbutt to the Master.  Next he delivered a series of blows of
his own, sliding back into the ring and dragging the Master in after him.
Lucifer flung the Master off the ropes and met him in the middle of the ring,
both men clotheslining the other, and both went down.  Lucifer was up first and
he pulled T'ien up by the hair, catching an elbow to the mid-section for his
efforts.  T'ien took advantage of the situtation and sent Lucifer back to the
mat with a text-book crescent kick.  T'ien went for the pin, but failed to hook
the leg and Lucifer kicked out just before the ref's hand fell the third time.
T'ien wasn't through with him yet though and he scooped up Lucifer and set him
up for a powerbomb that shook the arena.  Somehow, Lucifer managed to kick out
again and T'ien whipped him off the ropes again, he went for suplex, but Lucifer
leapfrogged over him and caught T'ien in a vicious neckbreaker.  Lucifer rolled
over and the referee slapped out the count.  Lucifer by pinfall!

Vince: 'That one was REAL close.  Lucifer may not be so lucky next time when he
	faces Lord Plunder.'

DeMandable: 'Well Mr.B's certainly gonna need all the luck he can get tomorrow
	night when he steps into the ring against Admiral Ax, that's for sure.'

Vince: 'Also tomorrow The Royal Rumble to determine the Ladies Champion. See ya
	then.'

**************************************************************************

Lord Winfred: "Thank you Vince; that's all for today, folks, but don't forget
  to tune in tomorrow for even more incredible Summit action! Until then, this
  is Lord Winfred Vague signing off. See you at the matches!