SPARF Press Releases, week 12 From: nicholso@pioneer.arc.nasa.gov (Melvin H. Nicholson YBH) Date: Tue, 14 Jan 1992 21:51:26 +0000 ------------------------------- Press from the Cambridge Tigers ------------------------------- CAMBRIDGE (UPI) -- The Tigers received the shock of their life when their star player, B-4, was injured during a game last weekend. Apparently, too much sex was the cause of the injury eventhough B-4 insisted that the injury was game-related. More news to follow... ------------------- Press from the CSUA ------------------- Festivities abounded in Berkeley as the Citrus Bowl win was followed by the second ever victory by the CSUA. It seems that the holiday has helped them get on the right track, and we'll hope that Partha has learned his lesson and will stay on the field and not in the hospital. Sadly, Dan is still recuperating from his injuries, we have high hopes for him next season, or perhaps even late this one. ----------------------------------- Press from the Chaos Demon Stalkers ----------------------------------- In Today's headlines --- Yesterdays news! Although bolstered by recent success, the Chaos Demon Stalkers have no illusions about going to the playoff's anytime THIS season. The team has therefore, effectively begun training camp for next year. "Yeah, I decided to let all the big team players work out early, so they're getting put through their paces," manager Marco Nicosia commented. Nicosia also said, "It's good to get the other players out on the field once in a while too, they'll get good game-time experience from it!" Altogether a grand team who had a rough transfer mid-season that fairly wiped them out, but will be coming back stron early next season, back to you, Pamela! ------------------------------- Press from the Pinyin Mandarins ------------------------------- Manager Sargent is preparing for next season. Our only chance to make the playoffs is for Bdoe Glimt to beat Newcastle or the Maulers to lose to Twin Peaks, both of which are impossible. Two narrow losses are what ------------------------------- Press from the Montreal Maulers ------------------------------- Montreal (UPI) - The Montreal Maulers almost clinched a playoff berth last week by squashing the Twin Peaks Owls, 125-22: one win in the last two games, or losses by both the Owls or the Pinyin Mandarins, and the Maulers will face the Newcastle Novas in the divisional semi-final. "We've lost three players to injuries", commented head coach Bear Brilliant, "But our all-stars are healthy; we should beat the Owls again next week. And we'll be cheering for the Mandarins in their game against Newcastle, because we want this second place in the best of all SPARF divisions!" Owners who are willing to acquire some high-quality young talent should send mail to Mauler HQ at supermeo@binkley.cs.mcgill.ca; the Grand Annual Mauler Garage Sale will begin NEXT WEEK! ------------------------------ Press from the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------ Mild hysteria gripped the Novas camp this week. Wally King, the first uninjured Nova in the fullback spot for more than a month, typefied the frenzied relief the Novas displayed after their nail-bitibg win over the Mandarins last match. "Wow! That was a great match, eh?," said the veteran King."A great finish, a very important win, and no injuries! We're all getting psyched up for the rematch. We realise that the Pinnies will hurl it all at us, since they must win to stay in the finals race. I hope we can show the same sort of determination that won it for us last week. Should be a grrrrrr-great game!" When asked about last week's rumours of corruption in their efforts to avoid injury, Novas management refused to be drawn into any sort of admittal or denial. "Hey, that Commissioner Mel Nicholson, he's a great guy, you hear? Fantastic. We think he does a wonderful administrative job. And yes, the sideline medical teams he's organised are first class. But as to where he got his tan, no comment." ------------------------------ Press from the Twin Peaks Owls ------------------------------ NEWS FLASH! Owls bought out by Billionaire playboy! "Takeover necessary", says new Owls owner R. J. Alphey. "They were playing like a pack of movie stars, so I figured some new blood in the club would result in a turnaround of the team's fortunes. The new owner has brought in a specialist Head Coaching advisor, noted football personality "Captain Blood" Jack Dyer. Dyer (97) promised to "Train the legs off the buggers", if he lives ling enough. Keen followers of the Owls have noted the different training methods used by Dyer. Said one observer, "He's loony". The Owls, smarting after last week's big loss to Montreal, have revamped their lineup totally. Owner Alphey says, "If we can't win, we'll cheat." ---------------------------------- Press from the California Redwoods ---------------------------------- You are listening to WTRE, your Redwoods radio station with Bart Bark on this week's game. The Redwoods will be playing the Vikings, and the coaches are worried. Coach Sam says that their "pillage and burn" play could really turn on the heat. To counter this, the redwoods have concentrated on the "heavy dew" defense in practice this week. -------------------------------- Press from the Bohemian Rhapsody -------------------------------- Team captain, acting coach, and acting general manager Chris Squire was delighted with the victory over the Viking Raiders last week. "In our first official game as the Bohemian Rhapsody, we really put on a show and upstaged the powerful Vikings, who seemed to be looking past us in their quest for the division championship. The boys really pulled it together, but I'm worried about post-move letdown. Some of the guys were born in Koolywirtie, and the move hasn't been easy on them. The Canadian owner of the Rhapsody expressed his pleasure at the team win by guarenteeing the team will exist next season and appointing Chris Squire the "acting club president". Meanwhile, back in Koolywirtie, a riot broke out in front of the old "Yarloops" front office. Rocks were thrown, guns were fired, woman and children cried, and gasoline was poured and ignited. The end result was that while firetrucks hosed down the angry crowd, the biggest fire in Koolywirtie history destroyed much of the downtown core. ---------------------------------- Press from the California Sluggers ---------------------------------- As the season nears its end, California Slugger players have been trying a new defensive weapon hoping to cause unusual injury to their opponents. Attempts by The Borg to adapt to the new weapon have failed, and reports concerning last weeks game seem to indicate that injured Borg players were not even carried off the field - their coaches were asleep on the sideline. ----------------------------- Press from the Viking Raiders ----------------------------- OSLO, Norway--The Viking Raiders suffered another stunning defeat this week, making it that much more difficult to reach the playoffs. Says Coach Freyr, "If we were in any other division, we would probably have second place and a spot in the playoffs. The only thing we can do now is hope to avoid more stupid mistakes, like when Erik handed off the ball to the other team's ruckman or when Sven got injured trying to bend his knees the wrong direction." ----------------------------------------------- Press from the Wallamaloo Philosophy Department ----------------------------------------------- Manager Buffum this week was vehement in his assertion that the loss to Berlin last week was not a product of saving players for the playoffs. "We tanked against CSUA, and that scared us quite a bit. The real problem was the fact that we were missing three of our best defenders, and it certainly showed on the field as we gave up an unprecedented 122 points. They really grow 'em big in Berlin, don't they," Buffum said wistfully as Center Terry Bollea dominated the midfield with his Pythons of Indeterminate Size. Rumors of steroid use have ben reported to the Commissioner, but have yet to be sub- stantiated. Buffum quipped, "You need proof? Look at 'em!" Team statistician Bruce Cauchy resumed his calculations as to the Department's chances at the playoffs, but as of this writing, nothing sub- stantive could be reported. "We have the easier schedule," Cauchy said, "but because we take it easy in some of our wins, I think our point spread is bad." Replied Buffum, "Well, the first tie-breaker is head-to-head, but the next two should be Divisional record, then Conference Record, in my confused opinion." The Commissioner's Office was unavailable for comment, although the roots of a conspiracy have been investigated by newcomer Benjamin Horne. Rookie Jerry Horne was cut this week for eating brie and butter sand- wiches at a team meeting. Replied an indignant Horne, "Mmf! Mmm-mmm, mmmf mm-mmf mmf!" Brother Ben wisely kept his mouth shut, as the remainder of the team pointed out that there is no not drinking at team meetings. Up