En Garde! La Spurt From: A.C.Crook@newcastle.ac.uk (En Garde!) Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1992 15:34:41 +0000 ############################################################################### ## PAPER TO KING AND COUNTRY (AND ALSO THE TSAR OF RUSSIA) ## ############################################################################### ## ## ## * *** **** *** * * **** ***** ## ## * * * * * * * * * * * ## ## * ***** *** **** * * **** * ## ## * * * * * * * * * * ## ## **** * * **** * *** * * * ## ## ## ############################################################################### ##JANUARY 1675 STILL AS CHEAP AS EVER## ############################################################################### TELLING THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |CONTENTS| ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Article Journalist(s) EDITORIALS Robert de Maxwell 10 THINGS Pepe le Phew-tous IT'S... X LETTERS M. le Richard-Tete ANNOUNCEMENTS Paris IMPORTANT EVENTS Paris A.P.H.I.D A Family Production WAR REPORT Rovier du Omy ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____ ____ _______ ___ ____ ___ / | \ | | / \ | \ | / \ | |--- | | | | | ||----< ||-----|| |_____|_____| | | \___/ | / || ||____ Dear Citizens, What an eventful christmas it was. Pepe's tipple seemed to go down well, as did Teefies two parties, even though he never showed up.... At last we had a play at the theatre that was worth talking about, and we were looking forward to a review by Armastas Devorak but it never materialised. Louis de Fleurvilles has finally met his match in the guise of the new CoPS, who wasted no time in locking Louis up in the deepest cells of the Bastille. His long-awaited trial will be in the first week of the coming month. Finally, that esteemed Pepe le Phew-tous has got hitched to Paris' first lady, the beautiful Elizabeth. Well, what more can I add.... oh yes, does anyone know how to get those tricky stains out of your bearskin rug? Answers on a postcard please... Until next time, ____ ______ / / / / / / / / / / /___/___ /__ ___ __ /_ ___/___ / / /___ ___ / / / \ / // //__// / / //__/ / // /\/ / //__// / / \/__//__//__ / /__ /__//__ / //__/\/\/_/_//__ / / *********************************************************** EDITOR - LA SPURT ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ___ _______ ____ ____ | X \ | | | ||\ | / / || \ | | |-----| || \ || \ `----. | \___X | | | || \_||_____|_____/ . . . . . Dear Parisians, Once again I find myself putting quill to paper, your only columnist brave enough to insult those who need insulting and put his signature to it. Yes, we do have Rodger d'Abodga, but we all know he wouldn't even insult a small stooped man with a big nose. What I'm really getting at is: who is this so called "It's" man? He continually smears the reputations of all good and brave Parisians, but seems to keep faith with those who have been accused and arrested of treason, such as Louis de Fleurvilles. Look you so called "It's" man, let me tell you how IT is between gentlemen. If you really want to announce that a brave hero has fallen down on his morals, then say so, but be brave enough to announce to all Paris just who you are, so such gentlemen may settle any quarrels they may have over such slandery face to face. Should you not deign to do this, all I can say is that you show yourself to be just a yellow-bellied Dutchman with no more right to be staining this publication with your snide views than a smelly sewer rat. Talking of such, I must comment on how utterly unwitty we all found Ronaid R'Egain's horsing around at Teefy's party to be. For a start, Trigger is grey and not brown, and I've never heard a horse make "uh...uh...uh" noises that sound more like someone fondling his Private's cod-piece than the neighing of a horse. I would have thought that one good thrashing across blades was enough, but it seems some "gentlemen" have the memory retention of a goldfish suffering from severe amnesia. At least Mnsr R'Egain had the guts to turn up, which is more than can be said about other members of his regiment. Now on to the main talking point in the coming month. The long awaited trial of that now infamous Louis de Fleurvilles. Louis stands accused of treason, the most damning crime of all, and punishable only by death. I will now take a look at the pros and cons of this situation and let you, the public, make the choice upon which side to testify. The evidence against Louis, know widely known as "The Snake" seems overwhelming. After Louis stepped down from his post as Commissioner, through the pressure of increasing public opinion, the newly appointed Commissioner was alledged to have found papers linking Louis with that other infamous criminal "The Black Pimpernel" <Jarring Chord is heard in distance>. A Few weeks later a small and apparently innocuous gathering appeared in one of the dirtier areas of Passy. From this small gathering erupted violence the like of which has never been seen in Paris. Shops were looted, homes were ransacked and innocent (and often apparently willing) women were assualted. During this very black week Louis was seen "legging it" away from Paris to the front, closely followed by the CoPS goons. The question that must be asked is: was Louis simply in a rush to get to the front and fight the enemies of France or had he heard that his little plan to disgrace the new Commissioner had been rumbled? The situation was further complicated last month by the strange sight of Louis entering the CoPS office with a large bag of money, apparently giving himself up. However, a source close to the Commissioner has said he heard Louis saying: "I will leave the money on your desk. When I return I hope that it has mysteriously moved into your coffers. Then I will leave and this silly little business will be forgotten about!". It transpires that Louis' little magic trick backfired. The money went alright, but Louis never left the custody of the CoPS and now languishes in the Bastille. Another ironic happening last month was the news that one of Louis little business ventures was forced to liquidate due to insufficient business. First advertised in the November 1673 edition of this very paper was: ************************** * * * Louis, Louis & Louis * * Lawyers to the Gentry * * * * Everything for your * * Legal needs * * * * Treason our Speciality * * * ************************** I reckon it may have been shrewd to hold on for that extra month of business huh? So Parisians, you have been presented with the evidence. What is your verdict? Louis: friend or foe, loyal or treacherous, a large fried egg or a small pink gin? ONLY YOU CAN DECIDE! First week, The Courthouse, Paris Central. Be there or ... ... be somewhere else entirely. So there you have it! Yours Commandingly, _____ Baron / \ Investigative Reporter __________________________| ____/____ _____ _____ - La Spurt - __________________________| /_____/_____|/_____ )> __________________________| \_____\ \_____ )> \ "Flashing Blade" ___/ Commander Lt. \ le Phew-tous ___/ of General \______________/ The 1st Division of Foot ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- _______ _ ____ | | // | | `----. | | _____/ . . . `STORIES ON THE STREET' Welcome back to the word on the Street: Welcome back, and what a turn it has been for slinging muck around and it has landed on some fairly high standing people of Paris, well its a funny old world. It appears the Pepe is the true father of Pierre's young lass, does this mean Pepe has been dressing as a milkman?? And on the subject of Pepe, he is getting married to Elizabeth. This conversation was heard during the month. "Well done Elizabeth, you have managed to land that wealthy bachelor Pepe", "Indeed I have, more money to add to my already large wealth" "but what about sex?" "Oh I've still got the rest of Paris for that!" Oh dear Pepe, better keep your eye on her. And that bring us quite nicely to Rodger (well it doesn't but I could think of a link), Rodger the Regimentless, The only person in Paris who applied for a job that didn't exist... Louis De Fluerville has handed himself over to the COPS in order to prove the true power of French justice and Viscomte Teefied was seen laughing in a crowd of QOC bottomlickers saying 1 down, lots more to go.. The ITS column has noticed the large number of newcomers to Paris and hopes they have a pleasent time in Paris before Viscomte Teefied comes along and gets them thrown in jail. Well the ITS column wishes a Happy New Year to all of Paris and hopes to be back in next month \ / \ / / \ / \ -- The mark of the Its man. (Laspurt would like to remind its readers we have no knowledge of who the 'its' man is.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- __________________ ____ ____ ____ | / | | / | \/ | |--- | | |--- |----<`----. |____|_____ | | |_____| /_____/ **************************************************************************** LaSpurt reminds its readers that 100cr is awarded for the best letter received every month.. **************************************************************************** Bonjour once more, mes amis.. **************************STAR LETTER************************************* No-one gets a prize this month, coz Dickie is in a bad mood..... **************************************************************************** Dear La Spurt, due to my responsibilities (to improve my military ability) I have missed the last two issues of La Spurt (shame on me!) Now I heard from other sources that Pepe has uttered quite interesting accusations against my men. "Codpiece Fondler" ? My dear Pepe, such a word is not even in my vocabulary! What exactly are you accusing my men of doing ? And whom are you accusing ? Knowing that you are a gentleman I assume that you have proof of what you are saying (and you can be assured that I would punish the guilty party severely). But so far, dear Pepe, I have not seen any proof. Could it be that this is some kind of regimental rivalry ? If it is, I can only be astonished that a gentleman of your rank is not above childish arguments like that and anyway, I was not aware of a regimental rivalry between us and your former regiment. To be honest, ever since I became regimental commander such things only bore me. Yours yawningly (and waiting to see your proofs), Col Ronaid r'Egain Dear Col 'rEgain, Surely a letter like this is ze mark of a man with no honour. A gentleman would 'av challenged at once. I 'av no more to say on zis matter. M. le Richard-Tete ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Sir, and People of Paris, I write to you from my cell in the Bastille, in a request to prove that French Justice is not corrupt as it appear to be from my point of view. Why a war hero such as myself (a member of the Bravest Cavalry regiment in Paris) is allowed to be locked up on such a trumped up charge is beyond me. Unless this a plot of that person Viscomte Teefied (The man that ran away from battle, and had to spend many long months at the front to regain a shred of honour). I can only assume that someone bribed the Army Commander as he sacked me a mere three hours after getting the job which was a full 2 weeks after the warrant was issued for my arrest. I handed myself over to the COPS as I have nothing to hide and am innocent of the charge wehich has been laid before me. So I ask for your support at the trial and once again I am innocent. Viscomte Louis De Fluerville Dear Louis, Oh, how ze mighty (and ze mightily corrupt) 'av fallen. All I can say eez zat you have got your just deserts for your dispicable actions. Ze common people of Paris cheered when you went to ze Bastille.. Zat says it all. M. le Richard-Tete. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ M. Henri c'est la Vie, I accept your challenge. I will fight you during the first weekend. Why did you leave the DG - they are lowly scum, and you left them, perhaps even scum have taste ? As for you mentioning my cousin, well didnt you duel him and win by cheating ? I can assure you that all the QOC agree with me that the DG, and any member past or present can rot in hell, and are not fit to wear a uniform which represents our great country and King (Horah!). Frankly it will be a pleasure to beat dirt like you to pulp, and I advise that on the day you come crawling and kiss my feet so that I might consider letting you live your worthless life. Although thinking about it killing you will be doing Paris a favour, so that the great city will not have to be touched by your leprous feet. Aramastus De'Vorak. Dear M. le D'vorak, Ah, a men of honour at last meet across steel. Let ze best man win.. M. le Richard-Tete. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Parisiens, It seems that Louis de Fleurville is a traitor to King (hip hip hooray!) and Country just as we of the QOC expected. All of Paris agree that he is representative of the worst kind of worthless scum that escape destruction at birth. Perhaps the DG, of which Louis was an integral part, will collapse just as Louis's career has. Let us have no pity on such a regiment, or such a man. Do not even waste time scraping DG excrement off your shoes after you have disposed of them. I believe that Louis started the riots which led to the deaths of MY beloved QOC fighting heroes and I will stop at nothing to see that Louis receives justice. Louis you are a disgusting piece of filth and you are not even fit to drink my vomit. If you were close enough I would urinate in your face, but I fear it would just clean your face. May yourself, your family and your friends rot in Hell and be cursed from now until eternity. May your affairs of love rot, may your limbs rot, may your hopes and goals be dashed, may you die a thousand times over in inexorable agony. Yours, Count Teefied. Colonel QOC. Dear Count Teefied, You express the feeling of us all.. Zis man is not fit to wash ze feet of peasants.. The Bastille is a good place for 'im.. (who said ze grave woudld be better?). M. le Richard-Tete ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Dickie, I find myself compelled to complain about the falling standard of Public Services in Paris. The level of crime within this beautiful city is reaching an all time high and even with all the taxes being reaped by the state, nothing is being done. These incompetent beauracrats need their hides whipping for the apathetic way in which they are going about their business. Why, not only last month I happened to be passing through Cemetaire des Saintes where many a brave war hero has been laid to rest and the place has really gone to the dogs. The grass was knee high, headsones knocked over and chipped, but worst of all there is blood everywhere! Just what is going on? Yours worriedly, Pepe le Phew-tous. Dear Pepe, I do not know, Pepe. I too was disappointed at ze standard of public services. Im sure someone should look into zees... Now, where did that investigative journalist go.. M. le Richard-Tete ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear La Spurt, Now I have won my argument with the Cardinal's Skirt Hiders Behind. I feel I can now say without a doubt what a sad and pathetic, dregs of the bottom of humanity the Cardinals Skirt Hiders Behind are. I puke on them all, from Colonel to Shit picker. At last that vermin Louis "The Mad Llama" is behind bars. Now he can see what is like to languish in prison and not receive his due honours. Whether he is guilty or not is not for me to say but for the jury. All I will say however is "If he is innocent why did his Commanding Officer Fire him ???" Yours Victoriously Col. Sir B'stard (Father of Sons, Winner of Duels, Hero and all round nice guy) Col B'stard, There does seem to be a lot of 'puking' going on this month. Most of eet directed at Louis, so eet is nice to see a change of target.. M. le Richard_Tete ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Greetings Citizens of Paris, I write this letter to you in sadness. It seems that my poor mother, Claudette, has taken ill in my absense and I find myself compelled to go to her at this time. Therefore, with deep regrets, I must bid you all adieu. I will be leaving Paris for a time, and must resign my so-recent commission in order to fulfill my filial, and, to be honest, more important responsibilities. Many thanks to all of you who have been so kind and generous to me, and I wish you all well. Adieu, and good luck, Monsieur Jacques Dousound. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ANNOUNCEMENTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Duel Announcements ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear La Spurt: I have not received any kind of time or place to duel M. d'Anneaux. I made a clearly stated challenge to him by 1er class carrier pigeon, but it seems that Mnsr d'Anneaux has shown that as his name suggests he d'anneau his arse from his head (some say this is an easy mistake to make as far as he is concerned). Just how he believes that the fair Elizabeth would give him a second glance is beyond me. Anyway, if you are any kind of a man meet me at Cemetaire des Saintes with Sabres in the first weekend. Yours announcingly, Pepe le Phew-tous. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ M. Aramastus De'Vorak The first weekend of the month will be fine. I am still waiting to here the place and the weapon, but all I here is the wind whistling through your ears. Who is your cousin? Whoever he was, he at least had the decency to invite his opponent to drinks. And as far as cheating, well this sounds like a weak excuse for not him not winning. I look forward to the first weekend to see who kisses who's feet. You may want to have your second bring a rag for lips. Henri c'est la Vie Major King's musketeers ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >Mnsr. Bief, > > Since you 'ave ze audacity to claim zhat you should be allowed to court ze >lovely Deborah een place of my worthy self, I am forced to demand zhat zhis >matter be settled in ze only proper manner - eef you are man enough to face me, >I ask you to choose a time and weapons. Eef I do not receive an answer to >zhis demand, I will be forced to declaim your perfidious nature to all of ze >fine people of Paris! Eef my fazher even knew zhat you were een my way, 'e >would 'ave you served to me on a platter, but I would prefer to settle zhis >een ze way of gentlemen. > > Until we meet on ze field of 'onor, I am, > > Rovier du Omy > Captain Cardinal's Guard > War Correspondent >Mnsr. Bief, > > I 'ave been asked by ze Baron d'Armaund to serve as 'eez adjutant een ze >forthcoming campaign. At 'eez suggestion, I would like to request zhat you >agree to postpone our duel unteel a more appropriate time. 'e would not be >pleased eef I was unable to perform my duties due to an ill-timed duel. > > 'e 'as also informed me zhat 'e plans to take ze CPC to ze front, so zhees >postponement weel be understood as a delay razher zhan a dis'onorable attempt >on your part to avoid facing myself. Eef your are an 'onorable man, and I am >willing to grant you zhat possibility, despite our deefferences wizh regards >to ze lovely Deborah, you weel grant zhis request. > > I remain, > > Rovier du Omy Dear Monsieur du Omy, of the Cardinals Guard, etc.: You have an interesting way with words. I agree to your proposal for a duel of honor. I also agree to YOUR request for a delay. I see no reason to injure a fellow Frenchman who may be of use when fighting the heathens this Campaign Season. We can set the date when the campaign is over, if this doesn't cause the citizens of Paris to cry out in outrage. As to the assuming contents of your two letters, quoted above: 1) Let us let the lovely Deborah have the honor of deciding which of us is worthy of her, 2) If your father tried to inpune YOUR honor by interfering in a matter which is STRICTLY between the two of us (and maybe Monsieur Guillame le Magne, since you want to bring in persons who have nothing to do with this), I would hand him the platter for my serving and then show him what kind of a carving knife I carry, 3) Fine, you can have your adjutant position. However, I'm not not going to suggest that we postpone our duel. It was your suggestion, not mine. I'm just agreeing to it, and 4) The delay was created, suggested, and desired by YOU, not me. Therefore, there is no POSSIBLE way that, by agreeing to your proposal, I could be attempting to dishonorably avoid you on the field of honor (which lately has appeared to coincide with the Cemetaires de Innocents...). If I were a vindictive man, I could accuse you of trying to avoid your honor responsibility of facing me, but I am NOT, I repeat, NOT a vindictive man. Major Loinoff Bief, CPC ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Other Announcements ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I, Louis De Fleurville, plan to apply for the post of Brigader of the Horse Guards, once this stupid charge has been dropped. Viscomte Louis ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Paris, I wish to invite all military personnel to a tournament needing much skill and courage to complete. There will be fencing, musket-firing, cavalry charges, and many other forms of vigorous competition for the real men out there. This will take place in the fourth week of January and will take place on the rolling fields just north of Paris. All who enter must bring all weapons and horses and servants. Refreshments will be provided. Entry fee is 25Cr. The rewards are as follows: Winner of an independent competition: 100Cr. Overall winner of most competitions: an extra 200Cr. So, entry forms to the QOC headquarters, addressed to me, Comte Jean Teefied de Montclair. Colonel QOC. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Monsignor Folleau Le Ledere is pleased to announce his application for the current vacancy for a Curate in his diocese. All are welcome to attend his service in the second week -- perhaps to confess all those Christmas sins and turn over a new leaf in the New Year? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ################################################################################ # ## # # Join The Dragoon Guards ## Join The QOC # # ## # # Bravest Cavalry Regiment in Paris ## Worst Regiment in Paris, # # Excellent Career prospects ## # # ## Really Crap Officers, # # Better Leadership than the KM ## # # (Remember the destruction on the 27th) ## But its got a bit of lime on top.# # ## # # No need to bottom lick the Colonel ## Apply at your local office. # # (Unlike some other regiment in the ## # # Horse Guards) ###################################### # # # # Apply at your local office # Write for La Spurt. Good rates.... # # # # ################################################################################ Dear Parisians: I would like to make the position of my aide open to all Captains in Paris. This will of course bestow upon the fortunate recipient a great deal of status not to mention glory, from the many mentions he will receive while serving under my command. The successful applicant should be well dressed, be able to make a damn fine cup of tea, and carry at least three gallons of France's best ale...oh, and not a member of the Royal Nancy Boys...ooops I mean Marines...although looking at their ranks that shouldn't be a problem. Musketeers will get preference over others, but do not be deterred if you are unfortunate enough to be otherwise inclined. Yours faithfully, * Lt General Chevalier Pepe le Phewtous, Commander of His Majesties 1st Division of Foot. * Pepe le Phew-tous is an equal opportunities employer. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- IMPORTANT EVENTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Important events: All month: Send letter to La Spurt for that 100 Crown prize!!! Week 1: Trial of Louis de Fleurvilles Week 2: Pepe's Stag Party Weekend 3: Pepe's Wedding at Notre Dame ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- LA SPURT`S SPORTS SUPPLEMENT TELLING THE TRUTH NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- DUH DUH DA DUH DUH , DUH DA DA DUH DUH , DUH DA DUH DUH , DUH DUH DUH DUH DUM......... ** TM * * ** ******* *** * ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ********* ******* ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ******* ******* ********** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** *** *** *** ALL PARISIAN HEROES' INTERNATIONAL DUELLING < LOUD CHEERING > MJO: And Welcome to the first SPECIAL edition of APHID - All Parisian Heroes' international Duelling, I'm Meen Jean Oakerlond and with me for this incredible Yuletide edition is the stoat - Bobby "de la Brain" Heenone.... BdlBH: Thank you Jean.... What do you mean the Stoat ?!? MJO: AND this week APHID is brought to you from the capacity filled " FIELD DE LE HONOUR" by the picturesque Notre Dame Cathedral.... Brain ? BdlBH: Look what do you mean "Stoat" ?? MJO: Thank you Bobby. THIS month we bring you the BULKSTER, Pierre "BULK" B'stard, himself defending his APHID Heavy Weight belt against Rovier du Omy - THE MILLION CROWN PEASANT... BdlBH: Well looks like Rover's going to be champion for Xmas.. MJO: Also , In this Christmas Bonanza, The INTERCONTINENTAL champion Pepe "THE FLASHING BLADE" le Phewtous takes on all comers in defense of his title..... BdlBH: Well that's not fair on his second customer, as it'll be first come first served. Can you fight a duel from a hospital bed Meen Jean ??? MJO: Shut up Brain.... BdlBH: Well I heard the FLASHING BLADE couldn't !! MJO: Where ?? BdlBH: Anywhere !!! MJO: What is this rubbish ?!? BdlBH: I have my sources, after all I'm A TURNSHEET jounalist. MJO: Exactly, Stoat. Anyway on to our first match featuring MSR. PERFECT - Mathieu D'Averil and THE CHICKEN MAN - Adjuste "COCO" d'Anneax.... Lets go Fieldside.... BdlBH: Look what is this "Stoat", It's not Me is it ?!? < DING -DING > <LOUD POMPOUS MUSIC> < QUIET BOOING > ANNOUNCER: And Introducing at 273 and one quarter pounds MSR. PERFECT - Mathieu d'Averil..... < LOUD BOOING AND THE HURLING OF PIES > < NOISE LIKE A CHICKEN BEING FLUCKED SET TO AN EXOTIC BEAT> ANNOUNCER: And his opponent at 102 and two thirds pounds THE CHICKEN MAN - Adjuste "COCO" d'Anneaux.... < LOUD CHEERING AND ADULATION > BdlBH: Well it looks like COCO's about to get K.O'd for the sixth consequtive time... MJO: I beg to differ Brain. That d'Anneaux is one "plucky" competitor. BdlBH: HA! This is one chicken about to get "stuffed" .... "Perfectly" ! MJO: Well here we go . And at once MSR. PERFECT settles into a strong defensive position.... BdlBH: Yes, MSR PERFECT is a strong tactitian wearing his man down perfect... MJO: And first Blood to the CHICKEN MAN !!! BdlBH: ...ly, using the opponent's early moves to set up his "PERFECT PARRY" while.... MJO: And second blood to "COCO" !!!! BdlBH: ... Letting his opponent wear himself out with small insignificant..... MJO: And now we have BULK B'STARD standing by with a few words about his World APHID championship defense.... BULKSTER about Rovier du Omy - THE MILLION CROWN PEASENT... PB: WELL YOU KNOW MEEN JEAN !!! I GOT TO ADMIRE DU OMY FOR PUTTING HIS BLOOD WHERE HIS MOUTH IS, MAN! BUT WITH THE PRAYERS! AND THE VITAMINS! AND THE FAITH IN OURSELVES!, ME AND MY LIITLE BULKAMANIACS KNOW THAT HE'S GOIN' DOWN , BROTHER!!! AND WHAT YOU GUNNA DO WHEN THESE 24" CANNONS RUN OVER YOU ?!?!.... MJO: Well confident words from the BULKSTER. Meanwhile MSR. PERFECT is still in a defensive position but now bleeding from a multitude of wounds from Adjuste, it looks like he's weakening..Brain ??? BdlBH: NO WAY!! d'Averil IS perfectly wearing down his man, Just waitting for the Perfect moment. Anyway I heard B'stard is.... MJO: Well I'll have to interupt you there Stoat, PERFECT is definately in trouble and with one final blow COCO d'Anneaux takes him out.... <LOUD CHEERING, d'AVERIL SLOPES OFF AS ADJUSTE "FLIES" AROUND THE FIELD IN CELEBRATION > MJO: SO a good win for the CHICKEN MAN - Adjuste "COCO" d'Anneax. BdlBH: NO WAY !!! The referee is blind, I demand a rematch, Its disgracful !!! MJO: And coming up in just a moment, Pepe "THE FLASHING BLADE" le Phewtous in his INTERCONTINENTAL title defense against not one, not two but THREE deadly Adverseries. So don't turn that page.... MADAME MIGGINS' PIE SHOPPES Official sponsors of APHID " PIES TO DIE FOR !! " THE FLASHING BLADE SAYS : I would stongly advise, buy one of these pies !!! OHHHHHHH YEAH !!! MJO: Well we're back. And I was just enjoying one of Mdme Miggins' hot pies , YUMM they're scrummy.... BdlBH: Look can we clear up who this stoat chap is ?? MJO: Let's go ringside. BdlBH <quietly> : Look it's not me , alright ? < DING-DING > ANNOUNCER: Nobles,Ladies,Gentleman and Serfs... A special INTERCONTINENTAL defense, Presenting first the challengers... < LOUD BOOING > ANNOUNCER: At 400 and 58 pounds, hailing any nice boy he sees.. < SOUND OF SOMEONE URINATING IN TO A TIN BUCKET > ANNOUNCER: THE TYPHOON - Ronaid r'Egain,..... And at 250 pounds soon to be dead.... < CLASH OF DRUMS BEING DROPPED > ANNOUNCER: CAPTAIN PILES - Jean-Paul l'Aemmorhoid and finally at a trim 300 and point 45673 pounds.... < THE SOUND OF A TEA BAG RIPPING > ANNOUNCER: THE GENIUS - Ovalle de Gualle.... < DEAFENING AMMOUNT OF BOOING AND THROWN PIES > AMMOUNCER: AND NOW INTRODUCING THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION... < MAD CHEERING AND STANDING OVATION FROM CROWD > < Theme tune: ................FLASH! AHAHHHHHHH! SAVIOUR OF ALL PARISIANS ................FLASH! AHAHHHHHHH! HE'LL SAVE EVERYONE OF US ................FLASH! AHAHHHHHHH! HE'S A MIRICLE ................FLASH! AHAHHHHHHH! KING OF THE IMPOSSIBLE> ANNOUNCER:... weighing in at a trim 210 pounds, hailing from Picardy, France- PEPE "THE FLASHING BLADE" LE PHEW TOUS... <CROWD GOES WILD> < PEPE SLOWLY APPROACHES THE FIELD. HE IS WEARING AN ENORMOUS HAT WITH AN EVEN BIGGER FEATHER IN IT. HE IS ALSO WEARING SHADES> BdlBH: Well that's the end of the FLASHING Pepe. MJO: Well I spoke to THE FLASHING BLADE earlier and he had this to say.. MJO: Taking on three men at once seems a little rash to me Pepe... PLPT: WELL YOU SEE I'VE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO ! DIG IT JEAN! SO I THOUGHT ... OHHHHHH YEAH ! I'LL CLEAR THESE THREE OUT OF THE WAY AND THEN GO DO 'EM OHHHH YEAH!!! MJO: I also hear there might be romance in the air with you and the beautiful Elizabeth ??? PLPT: OHHHH YEAY! WELL THERE MIGHT BE , OR THERE MIGHT NOT BE ! DIG IT !! MJO: So make of that what you may ! Brain ? BdlBH: I heard Pepe prefers a good horse to a good whore..! MJO: No you did not. BdlBH: Yes I did. After all I am a TURNSHEET journalist. MJO: Well here we go and first up against THE FLASHING BLADE is CAPTAIN PILES. BdlBH: Yes CAPTAIN PILES is never one to be caught sitting down. MJO: Especially without his special cushion. BdlBH: Well both duellists appear to be sizing each other up, l'Aemeroid looks more aggresive... He's got that winning look in his eye.... Le Phewtous is backing off and... MJO: ...What a move THE FLASHING BLADE kicks PILES into the ground and then gets a good hit in as he recovers... BdlBH: That can't be legal. The referee should stop this now. MJO: CAPTAIN PILES slashes at PEPE who leaps effortlessly out of the way and then Kicks and slashes l'Aemeroid again. BdlBH: Why is the referee allowing such a disgusting show of, uh of.... MJO: ... Of Skill perhaps ? Stoat. Well the match seems to be already decided CAPTAIN PILES is no match for the BLADE's skill and speed.... BdlBH: Rubbish PILES is just waitting for an opening...Oh... MJO: Well Pepe's just polished off opponent number one and even before l'Aemeroid's body is removed, TYPHOON charges slashing furiously at Pepe. BdlBH: Look at him, won't stand still so TYPHOON can hit him.... MJO: Well THE BLADE's stopped now and what a move, that old kick- slash routine, r'Egain never saw what happened. BdlBH: It's disgracful le Phewtous shouldn't be allowed to use moves like that.... MJO: Why not Brain ? BdlBH: Because he might win again, that's why ! MJO: Well TYPHOON appears to be running out of steam, He's still slashing at Pepe but only Pepe's blows are landing. BdlBH: Anyway my sources inform me the only reason Pepe moves that fast is to get out of the way of Horses trying to kick the box away.... MJO: Well whatever it is, It works! With a final slash TYPHOON goes down.... BdlBH: Well the GENIUS will out think that FLASHY Blade... MJO: I think not. Because the GENIUS de Gualle has disappeared. I didn't think he was that smart. BdlBH: He probably had to leave early for church..or something.. < "HE SAVED EVERY ONE OF US... ETC."> < WILD AND ECSTATIC CHEERING AS PEPE RECIEVES HIS BELT BACK > < CUT TO BEAUTIFUL WOMAN LOOKING DOEY EYED TOWARDS PEPE> MJO: Well Whatever it is, It leaves Pepe THE FLASHING BLADE le Phewtous as still the UNBEATEN APHID INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION. Coming up next our MAIN EVENT.... BULK B'STARD defending the APHID WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Against THE MILLION CROWN PEASANT - Rovier du Omy.... BdlBH: Yes, BULKAMANIA is about to be bought out . Ha Ha Ha... MJO: Shut Up Stoat.... TIRED OF LIVING ? TIRED OF BEING PICKED ON BY NOBLES ? TIRED OF BEING HUNGRY AND POOR ? THEN JOIN THE FRONTIER REGIMENT NO QUESTIONS ASKED, POSITIONS ALWAYS AVAILABLE WE'LL GIVE YOU A REASON TO DIE !! < CROWD CHEERING AND SCREAMMING AND GENERALLY RATHER EXCITED > MJO: WELL HERE WE GO !!! ANNOUNCER: OUR FINAL DUEL OF THE DAWNING , FOR THE APHID WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP INTRODUCING FIRST THE CHALLANGER..... < CROWD STARTS BOOING AND THROWING CHAIRS > < "Money,Money,Money,Everyone's got a price, Everyone's gonna pay" > ANNOUNCER: WEIGHING IN AT UNDER 90 POUNDS , HAILLING FROM UNDER A ROCK, THE MILLION CROWN PEASANT - ROVIER DU OMY.... < BOOING STARTS TO DIE DOWN > ANNOUNCER: AND INTRODUCING THE REIGNING APHID HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION WEIGHING IN AT OVER 300 POUNDS , HAILLING FROM ANYWHERE HE BLOODY WELL WANTS THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE IMMORTAL BULK B'STARD.... < " I AM A REAL PARISIAN " THEME TUNE > < THE CROWD GOES TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WILD > < PIERRE APPROACHES THE FIELD WAVING THE FRENCH FLAG FROM HIS GREATSWORD, ROVIER LOOKS WORRIEDLY AT HIS RATHER SMALL RAPIER > MJO: My goodness I can't here myself write the noise out here is deafening, Brain ? BdlBH: Pardon, I can't hear you it's too noisy. MJO: Well THE BULKSTER is offering Rovier the first hit, He swimgs and both men hit home. Rovier looks hurt. BdlBH: But he hit B'stard and B'stards just standing there waving his finger at the MILLION CROWN PEASANT who is hitting the BULKSTER again and again. MJO: BUT BULK B'STARD's winding up and another crippling hit to du Omy. BdlBH: ROVIER GOT ANOTHER HIT IN !!!!!! MJO: BUT LOOK AT THE BULKSTER'S EYES ... HE'S GOING TO EXPLODE. HE'S KNOCKED THE MILLION CROWN PEASANT OUT OF THE FIELD !!!! THE BULKSTER'S WON AND RETAINS THE CHAMPIONSHIP !!!!!! < "I AM A REAL PARISIAN" THEME TUNE > < B'STARD STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING WAVING THE FLAG > < THE CROWD GOES TOTALLY AND UTTERLY WILD AND INSANE > MJO: Well thats it for this month, See you next month for more - ALL PARISIAN HEROES' INTERNATIONAL DUELLING BdlBH: Still say it was a lucky blow.... MJO: Shut up Stoat...! <FADE TO CREDITS> A SISS-SI PRODUCTION All names and characters potrayed in this article are @ of Small Insects (Sticky and Squashy) - Sports Incorporated. DUELLING TABLES Duellist P W D L Points Lt.Gen. Pepe le Phew-tous 7 6 1 0 19 Col. Pierre B'stard 5 5 0 0 15 Col. Ronaid r'Egain 3 2 0 1 6 Lt.Gen. Mathieu d'Averril 6 2 0 4 6 Brig.Gen Adjuste d'Anneaux 7 2 0 5 6 Brig.Gen Louis de Fleurville 5 1 2 2 5 Maj. Ovalle de Gaulle 3 1 1 1 4 Lt.Col. Jean D'arme de Lieu 1 1 0 0 3 Maj. Filliet Mignon 4 1 0 3 3 Lt.Gen. Louis d'Armaund 1 0 0 1 0 Lt.Col. Etienne Rouge-Barbe 1 0 0 1 0 Cap. Rovier du Omy 1 0 0 1 0 Mnsr. Roger d'Abodga 1 0 0 1 0 Maj. Jean-Paul l`Aemmorhoid 3 0 0 3 0 P - Played, W - Win, D - Win by Default, L - Lost -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ____ ___ ___ _ _ ___ _ _______ __ _ _ ___ ____ | \ / / || \_/ | / | \ | | / \ | | \_/ ||| \ / |----<|--- | \ || ||--- | \ | | |----|| | ||| |`----. | /|____|____||| ||____| \_| | | ||____ | |||____|_____/ +------------------------------------------------------+ |Posn. Regiment MIDs| +------------------------------------------------------+ | 1=.........Picardy Musketeers.....................33 | | 1=.........Dragoon Guards.........................33 | | 3..........Crown Prince Cuirassiers...............24 | | 4..........Queen's Own Carabiniers................23 | | 5..........Arch Duke Leopold Cuirassiers..........16 | | 6..........Royal Marines..........................13 | | 7..........King's Musketeers......................11 | | 8..........27th Musketeers........................10 | | 9..........Royal Foot Guards.......................5 | | 10.........Cardinal's Guard........................4 | | 11.........69th Arquebusiers.......................3 | | 12=........Grand Duke Maxmillian's Dragoons........2 | | 12=........4th Arquebusiers........................2 | | 12=........Princess Louisa Light Dragoons..........2 | | 15.........Gascon Regiment.........................1 | | 16=........53rd Fusiliers..........................0 | | 16=........13th Fusiliers..........................0 | +------------------------------------------------------+ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- __ ____ | | / \ | \ | _ ||----||----< |_/ \_|| || / report War Report for December, 1674 Weezh some reinforcements (ze RFG and random ozhers, including your's truely), Turenne's army moved from Belfort into Alsace, running directly into Bournonville. Ze frontier regiments were up to ze task, driving Bournonville's ragged forces backwards. Ze dispatches were razher empty, azhough Maj. Maussadin, Sub. Dom-Abella, and Maj. le Gaucher all were mentioned. Maj. Maussadin actually received 'eez een ze last of ze dispatches. Sub. Dom-Abella was proving 'eez loyalty to ze French cause, 'aving been released from prison shortly before 'eading to ze front. Cap. Chandon and Pvt. de Montblanc of ze RFG were bozh promoted, Cap. Chandon replacing a major who decided zhat 'e wasn't fond of wintering in ze field. My fazher would be most displeased eef 'e knew zhat zhere where men who would abandon us just because ze weazher wasn't to zheir liking. ,-. `,+--. o | ,---. / +.-' ,--.. ,. ,-. ,_. ,--+ . . | | . . . . | | \ | | \ / || +-' / | | | | | | | |V| | | `-' `-'`-' `' `'`'`-' `- '`-'`-'`-'`- '`--'`' `-'`+ ,-| `-' Rovier du Omy Captain Cardinal's Guard War Correspondent ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THAT`S ALL FOLKS ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Up