SPARF Press --- Week 13 From: mel@soda.berkeley.edu (Mel Nicholson) Date: Tue, 21 Jan 1992 20:26:52 +0000 ------------------- Press From the Borg ------------------- Gee, a season ending victory would be nice... However, we face a much improved Bodoe team this week. A win assures us of a second place finish and being only 1 game under .500 for the season. A loss is traitorous to think about... ------------------------------- Press From the Cambridge Tigers ------------------------------- CAMBRIDGE (UPI) -- No one has yet to figure out the reasons for the Tigers pathetic showing over the last few games, but the thought of this team going into the postseason play on a down note worries a number of coaches. Compounding this delicate situation was the Sluggers impressive performance against the Borg last week, winning by a majestic 127 points, while the Tigers were only able to scrap by against the Borgs in this week's match up. The sentiment in Cambridge is that the team, while still holds the best record in the league along with the Slugggers, and the Cattle, has lost its desires for victory due to the untimely injury to several star players in the last few weeks leading to the playoff games. Nevertheless, some veterans are still confident that the team is on the right track, and that most of the players have not gone all-out during a game for fear of injury. "The fact that injury decreases a player's physical ability has resulted in a lot of over-cautious plays by the Tigers players. No one wants to be injured, when the Tigers have already clinced a playoff berth. ", explained B-2, the Tiger' star ruckman who has not seen any action in the last two weeks. The ruck-rover position seems to be the Tigers biggest fear. B-4, who was supposed to be a specialist in this position, has not progressed as the coaches had prognosticated early in the season. Injury to B-4 a couple of weeks ago, caused A-2 to play out of position. If the Tigers can stay injury free in the next two matches, they might be able to pose a healthy challenge to the Sluggers. ------------------- Press From the CSUA ------------------- A brawl erupted during the game, during which Partha amazingly was not hurt. Unfortunately 6 of his teammates were not so lucky. despite having a 2-person deficit, the CSUA managed to pull even, but not ahead. We'll hope for something a bit better next week, as all the injuries should allow more efficient practices.... ----------------------------------- Press From the Chaos Demon Stalkers ----------------------------------- Jokeying for a possible wild-card spot, the Chaos Demon Stalkers rested this week, prepping for the Big Game(tm). "If they're not prepared by now, then there's no use in training them anyways. So, I thought that I'd give them a rest. Damn, my keboard's sticky!" said General Manager Marco Nicosia. Please excuse me while I tear my hands from the board and get some band-aids. ------------------------------- Press From the Pinyin Mandarins ------------------------------- Well, I am actually in Taiwan, and am devoting my effort into preparing for next season. ------------------------------- Press From the Montreal Maulers ------------------------------- Montreal (UPI) - The Maulers are in the playoffs! They secured their berth with another win over the Owls, while the Novas beat the Mandarins. "It was tough; this division is REALLY strong, but we made it!", said full forward Roddy "The Ghost" Phantom between two slurps of champaign. "Now, we have to beat the Mandarins to finish in second place." The Maulers' chance of reaching ***The Match*** seem slim, with powerhouses like Cambridge and the Sluggers along the way, but Season # 2 should be a great one. "Next time you come to one of our training sessions, take a good, long hard look at Stanescu and Gregoire... And remember their names too!", said coach Brilliant. Stanescu, a rookie, is expected to take over the regular Left Forward Pocket spot next year. The Maulers have a surplus of young players trained for defense, and would be willing to trade them. Contact the GM at supermeo@binkley.cs.mcgill.ca ------------------------------ Press From the Newcastle Novas ------------------------------ The end of the season looms, and the Novas are awkwardly poised between the need to improve for next season, and the desire to go as far as they can this season. "We should enjoy the romp against the Owls," said coach Bob Fulton. "If we can rack up enough points, we may edge out the Maulers on percentages. All in all, it's been a pretty good first season. My only worry is if one of the lads hurts himself at this late stage, we may be short during the playoffs." Coach Fulton was seen running giant full-forward Crusher Harris through some gruelling relaxation exercises. When he awoke, Harris reiterated the coach's concerns. "Yeah, contracts is bein' drawn, um, up. Like, yeah, it'd be a, like, a tragedy if we was to hurt ourselves, like, at this stage." It is understood that the Novas may be considering a significant purge of the older and denser players during the off season. ------------------------------ Press From the Twin Peaks Owls ------------------------------ Owner Alphey expressed his pleasure in the gutsy play by the Owls last week which resulted in an 80 point turn-around from the previous week. His exact words were "The bastards lost again? Half the rations!" Team management have assured their fans that a better result will ensue this week. "If we don't win we'll be fed to the boss' alligators" ---------------------------------- Press From the California Redwoods ---------------------------------- You are listening to WTRE, your Redwoods radio station with Bart Bark. The Redwoods finish out their regular season hoping for another victory and a share of the Diamond Divison title. The players are pleased with the "heavy dew" tactic that turns the field into a quagmire, slowing the opposition. The grounds crew hopes that the Redwoods will be at home during the playoffs so they can repeat the tactic. -------------------------------- Press From the Bohemian Rhapsody -------------------------------- Team captain, acting coach, acting general manager, and acting club president Chris Squire was overwhelmed with emotion after the fine home performance of the Bohemian Rhapsody last week. "The guys are all pulling together and playing well. We may be out of the real playoffs, but we're playing for pride now. We want to be dominant in the consolation events and we want to go in with another victory under our belts." Word has it that Squire was appointed "acting general manager" immediately after the victory. Rumour is, if the Rhapsody can win their last game, Squire will add "acting head scout", "acting chairman of the board", and "acting Grande Pooh Bah" to his list of titles. Yet another rumour: team members reportedly have found Bohemias every- where laughing at their names. While Dr. Death, Elane Poy, and English Pigdog might well be respectable names in Australia, Bohemians much prefer a different breed of name. A secret team meeting was held wherein the team members discussed the idea of completely changing their names in the off- season. What new names might be chosen is completely unknown, but our sources indicated that the change of names is hoped to inspire Bohemians to come see the games, something the Bohemians are yet to do. ---------------------------------- Press From the California Sluggers ---------------------------------- California Sluggers manager Van Boughner expressed his disappointment Saturday that the Demon Stalkers didn't send a real team to play against him. "It was a massacre out there. I mean, take a look at this forward line: LFP Ian Smith LOUSY LOUSY LOUSY LOUSY 0 FF Bill Smith POOR LOUSY PTHTC LOUSY 0 RFP Bob Smith LOUSY LOUSY LOUSY LOUSY 0 And our offense had a field day near their goal: LBP Dustin Weston PTHTC LOUSY PTHTC MDCRE 2 FB Harry Jones LOUSY POOR LOUSY MDCRE 1 RBP Gabor Jones LOUSY POOR LOUSY MDCRE 1 I think his star players were having a good time at the beach. Not to say that they're lazy or nothing, but the weather was awfully nice near the ocean that day here in sunny California." Certain players did appreciate the fact that Joey King came to play, but were unhappy about not getting a chance to injure him during the game. Other coaches for the Sluggers suggested that the day might have been better spent in practice. ----------------------------- Press From the Viking Raiders ----------------------------- OSLO, Norway--According to commentator Pamela Twitch, the Viking Raiders have replaced their "Pillage and Burn" play with the "Lay Down and Die" play. The Raiders lost their last two matches horribly, with Fullback Parsons kicking the ball through the opponent's goalposts and Ruckman Erik the Awful breaking Rover Sven Yorgenson's legs for handing off the ball to the opposing Ruckman. Says head coach Odin, "I just hope we don't embarass ourselves too badly before the season is over." ----------------------------------------------- Press From the Wallamaloo Philosophy Department ----------------------------------------------- The Philosophy Department made a couple of last-minute roster changes to accommodate the injuries to Bruce Gandhi and Patrick Charlton. Charlton, being a non-Bruce and a proponent of the Lamarckian view of evolution, was swiftly booted out the door on his crutches, while two farm players were called up. Bruce Voltaire joins the prolific offense with his ability to mark and his views on man's place in society, while Bruce Berkeley adds his services to the beleaguered defense and to the logical reasoning wing of the department. Said Voltaire from the bench, "Sacre' bleu!", while Berkeley was busy trying to top fellow defender Wittgenstein in the incomprehensibility area. Boasted forward Bruce Hegel, "The kid's got promise, but he's got a ways to go. His sentences are still way too short, but I can dig that crazy wig." Last-minute cramming at Wallamaloo has become the rage as University Grounds was littered with both exhausted players and classical texts. Manager Buffum apparently tried to even up the intrasquad game by requiring that offensive players answer questions posed by the defense in 100 words or less to their satisfaction before being allowed to kick for goal. "The subsequent scoreless draw points out three things," Buffum glowed. "Our defense is im- proving, our offense is still the most verbose in the league, and our defenders are still as discriminating as ever!" Rookie forward Bruce Stoic took the whole exercise in stride, saying that although he wasn't able to get off a shot (stumped by Mill's query, 'Does man have free will?'), he could accept the experience without any undue discomfort. "As our colleague Mr. Nietzsche explains, it will only make me stronger." Nietzsche retorted, "Unless you are already dead," which may explain why Stoic has, in fact, not played a single match this season. Team physician Bruce Hippocrates has yet to render a final verdict, but Buffum is taking no chances, and expressed his intention to train Stoic "whether he's dead or not, although he displays remarkable agility for a corpse if he is deceased." Up