UEFL: Satellite Division - Session F From: billoj@aix.rpi.edu (Jeremy Louis Billones) Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1992 14:37:48 +0000 Satellite Division Newsletter Session F LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash BOTH Inuvik Ancient Vikings 28 14 4 0 77 29 7 4 144 EB SFWA Hawks 22 10 6 2 58 33 3.5 3 178 BOTH Norwegian Conspiracy 22 9 5 4 45 29 5 3 406 EB Amazing Leaping Lemmings 18 8 8 2 68 43 2.5 3 383 EB Yungsten Yahoos 15 6 9 3 43 63 3 3 868 Tubeway United 14 6 10 2 49 70 2 6 571 Blown EB SC Lions 13 6 11 1 36 64 2.5 5 500 EB Baggins Myrth 12 5 11 2 28 73 4.5 3 262 Trades & Roster Moves: SFWA sends an undisclosed sum to Wainscotting, to complete an earlier deal. They also cut Rob Stryker (FW), and sell Donald Tom (DF) to the non-league. The Yungsten Yahoos cut Will Weaver (FW), Vince Valiant (MF), Tom Taylor (DF), Ted Taylor (DF), Mark Morris (MF), and Zack Zimmer (MF). The Inuvik Ancient Vikings cut Tyraneous Lester (FW) and Juri Brenner (SW). They also sell Santorinni Socrates (MF) to the non-league. Dashing Doug Lemming (FW) and Quick Quentin Lemming (SW) have been removed from the active roster of the Amazing Leaping Lemmings. The commissioner's office has launched a full-scale investigation into the incident. See various press releases for more details. Press: -------------------------------------------------------------------- 1-1-1!!!! Yaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhooooooo! Once a Yahoo gets his mind set on something, there just aint no changin it. And speaking of havin' yer mind set on somethin', ol' Clarabell just can't contain herself at the thought of gettin' ta see her old sweethart Victory again at the match this weekend. I sure hope you guys have some private spot for them to meet or else I'm afraid you might be gettin' more in the way of a halftime show than you were expectin', if you still catch my meanin'. One thing she isn't looking foreward to is the Lemmings. You see Clarabell's afraid of heights and even though we tried to reasure her that they wouldn't be bringing a cliff with them, she's still a bit skittish, and there aint nothin' to keep her mind off it except the mention of old Victory in Sunday's game. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Inuvik Free Press: Last week's return to Asgard Park did the trick as the Inuvik Ancient Vikings rebounded from a dismal session to a great one, besting their top competitors and extending their divisional lead. "One big factor," said Coach Jon Bjorn Erikson, "was the stadium lights. As you may recall, Inuvik is beyond the artic circle and is in perpetual darkness most of the season. Asgard Park is equipt with seven large spotlights to allow outdoor games. The secret," Coach Erikson chuckled, "is that whenever the other guys get in scoring position we shine the spotlights right in their eyes! Heh, heh, they're blind as bats for hours!" When a reporter pointed out that the practice was unfair and unsporting, Coach Erikson showed his sportmanship by punting the reporter across the room. Team Captain Mathias Mohr is not looking forward to the Lemmings game. "Those guys (lemmings) are tough customers! We've been lucky to pull out two wins against them, and I just hope we don't get hurt. The league has got to put a leash on them. Poor Victory is still recovering from their last attack, even now recouporating in a secret Inuvik hospital." Mohr is a good soccer player, but he must be completely daft, as since Inuvik has only one hospital, it can hardly be a secret. Madman Muammar Gaddafi also had words about the Lemmings. "Those rat-faced, snot-licking, suicidal misfits are my kind of vermin! I enjoyed our last match, and can't wait to kick their butts again!" Qaddafi was outraged to find that Blaster Burke, mascot of the Beriut Blast still lives. Indeed, when questioned about Qaddafi, Blast manager Ingram had this to say: "Qaddafi should be happy he's in the Satellite Division. It's filled with potential recruits to his cause. Anyway, if he _had_ stayed around, I might have been tempted to cut the deal with Fred using Qaddafi instead of Ostrovsky Oh, wait, don't print that." Qaddafi swore (unprintable) revenge. "First, however, I have to deal with Coach Erikson, who's dropped me in the team's depth chart." Coach Erikson, watch your back. Michael Yordan continues to lead the goal scoring race. "Well, Rezvani seems to be out for some time with that injury. Too bad, I enjoyed competing against him. Now my biggest worry is teammate Jason Calrellian. He is really starting to come on, and the mid-season break doesn't seem to slowed him down any." In final news, more disaster for poor Victory. Mohr must have given away the location to the Lemmings with his pre-game blunders, as two lemmings managed to sneak into Victory's room while the security guards had coffee. The guards returned in time to deal with the Lemmings, but poor Victory was fit to be stuffed. Luckily, Inuvik General Hospital is equipt with all the latest gadgetry, and Victory's brain waves were saved. Dr. Julio Clausin shortly thereafter performed the world's first bear to bear organ transplants, and Victory still belongs to the Vikings. Not surprisingly, NC's team captain Larry Laffer, is no longer the Conspiracy's leading man. In fact, he has never been it at all, that's why player manager you-know-who gave the job to veteran goal hunter Kjetil Johansen. Maybe this will make him the #1 Goaler in the Satellite Division but we seriously doubt that. Johansen will not comment this event, but he points out that the conspiracy thoughts in JFK is not a norwegian one. Saddam Hussein who joined NC a couple of sessions ago has been holding a very low profile since then. An anonymous player told us that they have received assassination threats from BB fans that wouldn't see their star leave the Blast for a better team. "This has seriously damaged Hussein's performance", the player stated. Rumours have it that Hussein is already on his way out of his new club, at least with one foot standing and perhaps the other one soon blown off? Press: Courageous attempts by Niven to reach his organlegger friends have failed. Donald Tom will not be a candidate for a leg transplant. He was released to follow a career at Hollywood where he will be writing movie scripts for the SF genre. "After all something had to have rubbed off after half a season with these maniacs and it sure beats putting up wainscotting. Another oldtimer hung up his cleats as Rob Stryker (who scored for the SFWA earlier in the season) exceeded his white hair quota. He will be helping to develop the United Cyberspace Football League with a grant from the World Couch Potato Association. ********News from Lemmings-ville******************* Well, the mid season break has certainly seen a lot of tension mount. The long running feud between the Vikings and the Lemmings was left simmering, while players had a holiday. To start the second half of the season off on a bloodthirsty note, Manager Sargent has sent players Quick Quentin Lemming, and Dashing Doug Lemming while the game between IAV and the Lemmings was being held to Inuvik general hospital. There lieing on the bed, was the Vikings Mascot Victory, hooked up by lots of wires. Using a concealed knife, Dashing Doug cut open Victories stomach and pulled out the heart, lungs and liver. The kidneys were left in as they don't taste very nice. Just when the operating room was looking like a ocean of blood, with ships of flesh floating aimlessly around the bed, Security guards burst into the room, cup of coffee in one hand, machine guns in the other hand, and shot Doug and Quentin dead. Manager Sargent said on the Vikings match ' it was a Hollow Victory as we were missing Rezvani with Injury' Rumour has it that Victory survived the attack due to some sort of artificial environment around its brain, and that Victory, bearly alive was the recipient of the worlds first bear to bear transplant. The bad performance of the Lemmings at the Yungstens match was due to the abscence of David and Rezvani , both with ligament damage, and the suspension of sweeper Leapov. David is progressing well with his injury and even managed to play a game this session. Rezvani, currently second in the list of goal scorers, has to sit out all of session F, and then most of session G, returning to captain the Lemmings towards Peripheral division next year. Rezvani has changed sponsors to 'Nutragrain - Iron man food' saying that the popping of rice bubbles was a sad reminder of when the ligaments in his leg went pop. he still holds hope of winning the goal kicking comp, although he admits it will be difficult. Manager Sargent has gone overseas and is unavailable for further comment. ************Watch this space for more********************* This news bulletin proudly brought to you by the Red Cross, sponsors of the Amazing Leaping Lemmings *******Watch this space for more********************* ------------------------South Cork Lions Tribune------------------------------- Co. Cork, Eire-- Due to popular demand SCL Tribune will be published along with everyone else's press. I hate conformity...ugh... Anyways, back to the news... The Lions looked fierce as the beat both Baggins Myrth and Tubeway United while tying the Lemmings. The first match against the Lemmings was played to a 5-5 draw. Both sides played well and the Lions were helped out a lot by their crafty old veterans. Also in the match was the injury of Rezvani, star of the Lemmings. "We were sad to see such a great player go down. We wish him the best of luck and hope he can back in time for our next meeting....NOT!" The second match against the Hobbits was a well played match on both sides. "Actually I don't see how we won... I guess it was the lesser of two bad teams. We just happen to get two goals from Durnham that really put us over the top." Finally the session saw us squaring up with Tubway United with the Lions coming out on top 5-4. "These guys aren't as bad as they seem. With a little work they could be made into contenders." For unknown reasons Coach DeHora was being unusually generous. Rumours has it that the team was hit bad with mid-season aging and he is trying to get the other teams to lighten up a bit. And on the note of mid-season aging, the Lions line-up will be shaken up a bit. Three veteran players: Pilnar (Df), Lecheval (Mf), and Lazar (Fw), all got the axe. Also starting for the first time will be two rookies, O'Mathers and DeSilva. On a related note to that, Eamonn Desilva has announced that he claims to be a brother of the Vikings Mf. Only time will tell... Finally the sacrifice of Kimba the White Lion, while not the Lions mascot, gave the team a great idea, get a mascot! So we had our experts comb the world in search of a green lion which would match our team colors. No such luck. Finally we decided to just take any old lion and dip him in green dye. So we now proudly unviel, Simba the Green Lion! By the way thanks to the Lemmings for a great idea!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Auction Results: 1) Age 0 SL 3 FW SFWA 236 Tim Powers 2) Age 0 SL 6 FW SCL 338 Wolfe Tone 3) Age II SL 12 DF IAV 331 Carlos Carlson 4) Age III SL 12 GK IAV 201 Creaky Keeper Free Agents: 1) Age 0 SL 5 MF 2) Age 0 SL 4 FW 3) Age I SL 10 DF 4) Age I SL 5 MF Session G EB deadline is Sunday, February 2nd, at 10PM. The final deadline is Tuesday, February 4th. Session G: match 19: SCL @ YY BM @ SFWA TU @ IAV ALL @ NC match 20: BM @ SCL YY @ TU SFWA @ ALL IAV @ NC match 21: SCL @ TU ALL @ BM NC @ YY IAV @ SFWA ******************************************************************************** Match 16 ******************************************************************************** Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Inuvik Ancient Vikings 0 - 3 0 -12 McHartin (2) Qaddafi (1) S. Steve L. (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 6 3 -11 Santana (bk) Oygard (2) Buvang (1) Nordman (1) Pournaras (1) Thorsen (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baggins Myrth vs Yungsten Yahoos 2 - 0 2 - 0 Baker (1) Barnabas (1) E. Falk (bk) Greene (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tubeway United vs SFWA Hawks 2 - 4 5 - 5 Gore (1;1pen) Matz (2;bk) Dickson (1) Niven (1) Bohnhoff (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 17 ******************************************************************************** Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs SC Lions 3 - 2 3 - 3 de Silva (1;bk) Durnham (1) Westwood (1) O'Mathers (1;bk) Yordan (1pen) Appert (bk) Khan (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs Norwegian Conspiracy 1 - 2 2 - 9 Thurman (1pen) Wickers (2;bk) Arild (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Yungsten Yahoos 0 - 2 0 - 2 Harding (2) Anchor (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baggins Myrth vs Tubeway United 5 - 7 6 - 8 E. Falk (3) Cann (1) Achalla (1) Dolby (1) S. Falk (1) Gahan (1) Gore (1;1pen) Marr (1) Ure (1) ******************************************************************************** Match 18 ******************************************************************************** Yungsten Yahoos vs Inuvik Ancient Vikings 3 - 8 4 -14 Bailey (1) Calrellian (3) Jordan (1) McHartin (2) Pering (1) Mohr (2) Westwood (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Norwegian Conspiracy vs Baggins Myrth 2 - 2 2 - 3 Pournaras (1) Beltane (1) Ronning (1) Lightfoot (1) Baker (bk) Barnabas (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs SC Lions 5 - 0 8 - 0 Dickson (3) von Talhaben (bk) Fahdmutha (1) Martin [inj;conc] Heinlein (1;bk) Pournelle [inj;spr] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tubeway United vs Amazing Leaping Lemmings 0 -12 1 -14 Dolby [inj;pull] F. Fred L. (4) Sumner [inj;pull] F. Frank L. (3) Cobbler [inj;conc] J. John L. (3) Fletcher [inj;conc] L. Lenny L. (2) Gore [inj;conc] Jourgensen [inj;conc] Cann [inj;spr] Gahan [inj;spr] Marr [inj;spr] Ure [inj;spr] Wilder [inj;spr] ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up