TWIW From: mirrosen@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Michael Rosen) Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1992 02:52:41 +0000 *********************************************************************** This Week in Wrestling This show is a joint production of UWeMail and the Lightfinger Sporting Network, and is property of the World Electronic Wrestling Federation, all rights reserved, (c) 1991. This show is brought to you by Budweiser, the King of Beers and Molson Export. Nothing halfway about it, Ex says it all! Magilla: Hi, this is Magilla Mongoose... Wince: ...I'm Wince McLady... Misty: ...and I'm Misty Radisson... All: Welcome to This Week in Wrestling! Magilla: We'll be comin' atcha each week, investigating the week that was, and pondering the week that will be in this crazy world of e-wrestling. Our roving reporter, Green Jean Oktoberfest, will bring us up to date on all the latest rumours. And our special guests will give their expert opinions on what could happen in the near future! Wince: Also this week is Baron Von Klaw challenging TWIW TV champion, Mr. B! We have a special mystery guest announcer for this week's match. Magilla: Let's get started with Grean Jean Oktoberfest, and the Rumor Mill! *********************************The Rumor Mill******************************** **************************With Green Jean Oktoberfest************************** GJO: This is Green Jean Oktoberfest here, with the Rumor Mill. The Mill and there's a lot of news out there... Dominic "Da Boss" Altobelli of the IWF and WeWF has let a $10,000 open contract on the knees of the Law after his Boyz failed to beat them for the fourth time. Arguement has broken out over who is the "craziest man in wrestling": the Freak of the WeWF, "Crazy" Jay Gilette of the IWF, or one of the Maniacs of the WeWF. Banzai of the UeWF are teaming up with Baron von Klaws Surf Nazis in the WeWF to form the Axis of E-Wrestling. The recent "administrative errors" in the UeWF which allowed Lord Plunder to obtain the World Championship were a direct result of the bribing of the UeWFs chief officer - Harvey Wallbanger. Flint and Steel came back to the WeWF because they're both unemployed after the Millionaire bought their factory and closed it down. The General Machine was really Andre the Giant! Slim Herd is not just a client of hair club for men, he's the owner! ******************************************************************************* (Marc DeMandable approaches table and sits down) Marc: And this week, as a peace offering between myself and Misty, I've arranged for Misty to interview up-and-coming IWF wrestler "Crazy" Jay Gilette Magilla: I'm not sure I trust you Marc, but let's cut to Misty and this weeks Spotlight *****************SPOTLIGHT with Misty Radisson************************ (Misty is standing near the ring with a mike and a wary expression) Misty: Welcome wrestling and beauty fans. This week, thanks to the "good graces" of TWiWs own Marc DeMandable, we'll be speaking with the IWFs "Crazy" Jay Gilette, I hope. (Jay comes running in from the dressing room blowing a referees whistle as loud as possible. Jay is young, in his mid-twenties, about 5'11", 225 pounds and quite handsome, with a blond flat-top haircut and blue trunks) Misty: Well, well, maybe DeMandable has come up with a winner here. So, tell me Jay, are you any relation to WeWF wrestler "Gentleman" Jim Gilette? "Crazy" Jay: ARF, ARF, ARF. WOOF, WOOF, WOOF. ARF, ARF, ARF. Misty: (looking confused) ..er, yes, but how are your matches in the IWF going, Jay? (Jay rather loudly sniffs at the mike Misty is holding out to him, then sniffs up her arm, sticks out his tongue and begins panting) Misty: (looking worried) Say, just why do they call you "Crazy" Jay? (Jay grabs Misty by the shoulders and begins licking her face) Misty: DEMANDABLE, I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, IF IT'S THE LAS.... (the struggling pair run into the camera-man, the picture spins and cuts back to the studio) ***************************************************************************** DeMandable: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH Wince: Marc, that was despicable!! DeMandable: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Magilla: But really no more than I've come to expect from you. DeMandable: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH(thunk)AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (DeMandable is laughing so hard, he rolls off his chair, and off-camera to the floor) (A man in a 3 piece suit walks in and hands Wince a videotape) Wince: We've just been handed a videotape that sure to be of interest to all e-wrestling fans. Let's see it... <roll tape> SCENE: A locked door in a dimly lit room. Voice-over: It's coming... (A light can be seen from under the door) Voice-over: The rumors are true... (The light grows steadily brighter) Voice-over: The first... (A rumbling can be heard from behind the door) Voice-over: The biggest... (The rumble grows in intensity until the door shudders on its hinges) Voice-over: The BEST... (The door bursts outward, and a brightly-lit figure holding up a championship belt is seen silhouetted) Voice-over: The EMWA is back...and nothing will ever be the same again. (Fade to the words "Coming in February") <end tape> Magilla: So the rumors are true! Wince: Yes indeed! Magilla: We have some clips here from the latest UWF card. Here's a couple of red-hot ladies teams in action, the HellKats and the Living Legends. <Roll Film> Coward: This rematch has certainly been everything it was hyped up to be! I think the HellKats may be handed their first loss here by the Living Legends! DeMandable: And it wouldn't that be a pity? Coward: Hey is that Misty Radisson heading down to ringside with another pail? DeMandable: Ya know, she's gonna get in over her head soon.... Coward: I don't think anyone in the ring sees her coming....Lizzie Borden makes the tag to Green Jean! DeMandable: Green Jean may not be a spring chicken but she certainly knows how to work that ring! Wait a minute Misty's up on the ring apron with that bucket! Coward: Green Jean whips Katherine(?) off the ropes, Katherine leapfrogs..and DUMPS MISTY OFF THE APRON, spilling the bucket of mud all over Misty Radisson!! How about THAT!! DeMandable: *click* *click* *click* What? Lemme get a few more pictures here Coward... <end film> Wince: This past week also feature a WeWF SuperCard. Although there were only 2 matches, they were packed with action. Let's get a clip of a 4 team elimination tag match featuring the Hoosiers, the LAW, the Klingons, and Da Boyz! Magilla: A classic match indeed, let's start it from the middle... <roll tape> Baboon: "Now it's Dredd against Nunzio, and Disrupter against Daemon! Disrupter pushes Daemon to The Klingons' corner, and tags to Phaser. Double headbutt!" Wince: "Nunzio hoists Judge Dredd onto his shoulders for a backbreaker! But Judge Anderson kicks Nunzio, and he drops Dredd." Baboon: "Get Anderson out of there! If he hadn't cheated, Dredd might have had to submit." Wince: "Nunzio is tiring, he's the only one who hasn't tagged out yet. So he makes a tag to Guido. Meanwhile Daemon DDT's Klingon Phaser! Baboon: "Daemon goes for a pin! Klingon Disrupter steps in to drop an elbow on Daemon, but Daemon rolls away! Klingon Disrupter grabs the ropes to keep from landing on his partner, while Daemon tags to Erik." Wince: "Guido clotheslines Daemon before he makes the tag! Then he does a backbreaker on Judge Dredd! Guido is the fresh man, and he's taking everybody apart!" Baboon: "Not for long, Judge Dredd kicks him in the face, then piledrives him!" Wince: "Judge Dredd goes for the pin! Meanwhile, Erik has tagged in, and so has Klingon Disrupter! They are keeping each other busy, and Judge Dredd gets the pin!" Baboon: "Guido has been pinned, so he, Nunzio, and Da Boss have to leave. Too bad, Nunzio put up a good fight." Wince: "That leaves just three teams." Baboon: "Judge Dredd tags to Judge Anderson, and now all three wrestlers in the ring are circling each other. The Law and The Klingons seem to have made a deal to eliminate The Hoosiers: Klingon Disrupter and Anderson double clothesline Erik!" Wince: "They lift him up... double suplex! The General is upset, but this double teaming is all legal." Baboon: "Klingon Disrupter puts the claw on Erik! But Judge Anderson hits Disrupter from behind!" Wince: "I guess their deal is off and it's every man for himself again." Baboom: "Anderson tags to Dredd, then puts a full nelson on Klingon Disrupter!" Wince: "Disrupter powers out! What a show of strength!" Baboon: "But he forgot about Dredd! Dredd clotheslines him, then puts him in a Boston crab!" Wince: "Anderson drops an elbow into Disrupter's back, and I think that will be all for Klingon Disrupter! He submits!" Baboon: "That leaves just two team: The Hoosiers and The Law!" Wince: "They won't be able to cut the ring in half the usual way because their corners are adjacent." Baboon: "Erik took quite a beating from Anderson and Disrupter, and now The Law are double teaming him!" Wince: "That isn't legal! The General grabs a chair, and waves it at Machiavelli. Judge Dredd drops out of the ring to protect his manager." Baboon: "Daemon tries to sneak into the ring, but the second referee is keeping him out of the ring." Wince: "Judge Anderson suplexes Erik, then applies a figure four leglock." Baboon: "Machiavelli has moved to a more distant corner, and Dredd is back in his corner." Wince: "The General reaches into the ring and rakes Anderson's face!" Baboon: "Anderson lets Erik get away while he rubs his eyes. The referees were distracted by Daemon and Machiavelli." Wince: "Erik tags to Daemon! One referee saw it, but the other thinks they made an illegal switch!" Baboon: "While they're getting that straightened out, The Law double team Daemon." Wince: "Finally the referees have things straightened out, and Judge Dredd is taken out of the ring." Baboon: "Daemon puts a sleeper hold on Anderson! Dredd tries to interfere, but a referee stops him! Machiavelli tries to help out, but a referee stops him too!" Wince: "The General throws a chair into the ring, and Daemon hits Anderson with it, then throws the chair back out." Baboon: "A referee turns around, and seeing that Daemon has Anderson pinned, makes the count! One, two, three!" Wince: "The Hoosiers win! The Law were living by double teaming, and they died by double teaming." <end tape> Magilla: Now we have a clip from a team that is departing e-wrestling... Wince: The Future express, and they were legendary in their own way. DeMandable: Oh shut your trap! They were so lousy they weren't even jobbers. My grandmother mugged the punks in the parking lot, and she's been in a wheelchair for 30 years! <roll tape> The Future Express are leaving a hospital, Peregrine Falcon has bandages on his forehead, Hyper Warrior's neck is in a brace. Falcon: "Jimmy Vendetta was right, we shouldn't have been in such a hurry to take on a top team like Carnage after such a long period of inactivity." Warrior: "The match goes in the record books as a draw, but we know we lost. Maybe we will be back in time for the 3rd or 4th Summit, for now we are going to retire." Falcon: "And whatcha gonna do when Falcamania returns to run wild once again?" Warrior: "Let's go, Falcon, there's the bus to 'parts unknown'." <end tape> DeMandable: What a bunch of has-been punks! Wince: We now go back to a match from the IWF, an up-and-coming wrestling organization. DeMandable: Who's wrestling? Wince: The Lightning Bolt and the Tholian Black Widow! DeMandable: And you call this up-and-coming? <tape> Nasty: Well, I must admit, the Widow is the heavy favorite in this match he goes onto the ropes and starts with a drop kick - but Bolt uses that move himself and catche the Widow in a head-lock. He starts to clothesline the Widow but the Widow breaks loose with a Heart Punch. Chekov is nodding on the sidelines. Dirk: The Widow goes up for his famous flying-kick. He slaps on a crucifix, Bolt kicks out. The Widow looks a little surprised, he didn't think Bolt was going to be this tough. Maybe Bolt is tired of the flack he's getting. Nasty: Maybe, both men go the ropes, the Widow is up for a flying kick, Bolt with a drop kick, looks like Bolt got the better of that deal. Widow heart-punches Bolt back off, and, my lord, he comes in with the Widow's own flying kick! The Widow looks shocked, Bolt executed that kick quite well... Dirk: Hmm, they mix it up again, and Bolt slams the Black Widow into the buckle! The Widow body blocks Bolt away, but Bolt holds on and drags the Widow to the mat - Chekov looks a but disturbed, ha! look at him squirm! Nasty: Bolt puts the WIdow in a headlock, holds it...one, two, and three! The Black Widow, handed his first IWF loss by Lightning Bolt? After beating the likes of Goliath, he loses to Lightning Bolt. <end tape> Wince: An impressive victory for the Lightning Bolt! DeMandable: I don't see it that way. Wince: How do you see it then? Or dare I ask? DeMandable: The Black Widow was pinned by headlock! He should go to an old age home. NOBODY gets pinned with a headlock! Wince: The Lightning bolt is interested in making a name for himself. <roll tape> "Hello, for those of you who don't know, the Bolt is back. I want people to know more then one can host a talk show which is why hopefully next week the Lightning's Lair will premiere. Those of you wishing to participate please send your name and we'll make arrangements. You can be from any federation. (Editor's note: Contact am112@cleveland.Freent.Edu if you're interested) <end tape> DeMandable: Who does that snot-nosed punk think he is? Me? Wince: Well, I'm looking forward to his debut next week. Magilla: Let's take a look now at a group that's just plain mad at the Armed Forces! <roll tape> (fade in, Fender Marshall, the Headbangers, the Annihilation Alliance, Eddie Awesome and Bwana all standing by) Fender: You know, I tried to be rational with you guys, I tried to live and let live. I told you personally Commander-in-Chief, leave us alone and there wouldn't be any problems, but you didn't listen did you? Well, maybe it's about time I said..."Live & Let Die"! Mosh: G.I. Jerk! Beatle Baily! Popeye the Sailor! General Admission! You idiots made 2 mistakes. One was jumping on us, and two was bragging about it! You guys think you are the bullies of the UeWF, well you're wrong, DAMN WRONG! We might not be the biggest guys here, but we sure as hell are the BADDEST! Thrash: When we're through with the Armed Forces, they'll be known as the Unknown Soldiers! You messed with the wrong guys! Cuz this is one "War Ensemble" that's gonna make you losers feel that Unconditional Surrender is your only escape! Tell'em AA Graverobber: Armed forces, I have fresh graves with your names already engraved on the tombstones. Now all I need is your corpses to fill them. I can even now feel your bodies give one last shudder as I sink the cold steel of my shovel into your flesh and rob you of your immortal souls. Unknown Assailant: Sgt Smash! You're the lucky one, you've been suspended so you have a little longer to sweat it out. On the other hand, now that I think of it maybe you're the UNlucky one becuase your ordeal will be much longer and infinitely more terrifying then the others who will meet with their downfalls quickly, but I'm afraid not painlessly. Give em some more of the gory details Eddie. Eddie: Being a surfer I know all about sinking or swimming. Well you punks have finally SUNK. I'm almost gonna feel sorry for you dog faces when my buddies here get done with you. But not so sorry that I won't have them leave at least a little piece left for the Totally Awesome Dude! Bwana: Thats letting them have it Eddie! Commander in Chief, listen up! You and your army of idiots are nothing more then a bunch of grunts compared to me, my boys, and our buddies Fender and the Headbangers. Ah how sweet it will be when the flags are draped over your unmoving forms and they play Taps for that final time. Fender: Dumb-olition! You guys are outnumbered 3 to 7! You've made 2 mistakes already, don't make the third by getting in the ring with us again, cuz remember, 3 strikes and you're out....Permanently! And as Uncle Sam would say... Altogether and pointing at the camera : "WE WANT YOU!" <end tape> Wince: Strong words indeed... Magilla: We're ready for our TWIW TV title bout, and our guest announcer is arriving... Here is the General! DeMandable: Oh No! General: Thanks Magilla, I'm really loo... DeMandable: Like we care! Let's get to the match! Magilla: Baron Von Klaw starts quickly, jumping Mr. B from behind. He smashes B's head into the turnbuckle 5 times before B can even get his robe off! General: I don't think that Mr. B will stand for this much... DeMandable: Shuttup, you get paid to wrestle, I'm the expert here! Von Klaw will tear Mr. B apart! Magilla: Indeed, Von Klaw tosses Mr. B into the opposite turnbuckle, and follows him in with a hard elbow. DeMandable: Mr. B is stunned, and knees him in the midsection. Excellent technical move! General: That was neither technical, nor in the midsection! DeMandable: It knocked him down, didn't it? The Baron grabs Mr. B and throws him over the top rope. He's climing to the top turnbuckle to hit him with a Cactus Jack Elbow! Magilla: But nobody's home! The tired Mr. B rolls out of the way! General: Mr. B has an incredible ammount of intestinal fortitude. He is demonstrating... DeMandable: He ain't demonstrating anything! He's still going to get his butt kicked by the monster from Germany! Magilla: Outside the ring, Mr. B has grabbed the Baron's elbow, and slams it into the ringpost! General: The swarm is erupting! DeMandable: It's just like you to appreciate those ham-n-eggers! Magilla: Mr. B grabs the Baron and drops him on his knee! He slides in the ring at 8, but breaks the ref's count! General: He's looking for a pin here, possibly to gain some professional respect. DeMandable: From who? You? Magilla: Baron enters the ring, and gives Mr. B a quick poke to the eyes. DeMandable: Brilliance on the part of Baron Von Klaw, taking advantage of Mr. B's stupidity! Magilla: The Baron slams Mr B's head into the mat, and starts repeadly kicking him in the midsection. General: Kicking him when he's down, that's awful DeMandable: good strategy! Another rake of the eyes, and Baron starts choking Mr. B! The Baron is unbeatable today! Magilla: Von Klaw hurls Mr. B out of the ring. He follows him out with a flying splash! He grabs a chair and hurls it at the downed Mr. B! DeMandable: He didn't get kicked out of the game like someone we know, eh General? General: You wise-ass punk, I'm not affraid to whup your tail right here and now! Magilla: The Baron rolls Mr. B back into the rings. He follows him in and continues stomping away at the fallen champion! DeMandable: Come on Klaw! Give him the Klaw!!! Magilla: Baron Von Klaw starts to Goose Step! General: I hate the ----ing Nazis! DeMandable: Like we care, you washed up has-been! Seig Heil! General: You do that again, and I'll break your neck! DeMandable: You will what? Seig OUCH!!!!!!! Magilla: The Baron has put his trademark Klaw on Mr. B! General! What did you do to DeMandable? General: He got his, now the Nazi is gonna get his! Magilla: The General runs into the ring! He grabs a surprised Baron Von Klaw and DDTs him! He throws him out of the ring and piledrivers him on the concrete floor! Jobbers flood the ringside area and pull the General away! It looks like a dazed and surprised Mr. B will keep the belt despite being disqualified due to the General's interference. Wince: Exciting match! I don't think we've seen the last of this fued. Magilla: Now let's go to our rankings... UWF Men's Competition World Champion: Lord Plunder (11-2-0) 92 I-C Champion: Mr.B (10-1-1) 104 Atlatic Champion: Admiral Ax (8-0-0) 87 Pacific Champion: T'ien "Master" Lung (10-1-1) 58 1. The Ultimate Lanny (9-2-1) 61 2. Jake "Canadian" Shield (5-1-1) 35 3. "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome (5-4-0) 32 4. The Wild Boy, R.U.Reddy (4-2-1) 21 5. The Shropshire Slasher (4-0-1) 20 6. Mosh (4-1-0) 17 7. Pain (5-4-1) 17 8. Lucifer (1-1-0) 15 9. Biff "The Terror" Jones (3-0-0) 13 10. Despair (3-5-0) 12 Tag Teams World Champions: Dangerous Emotions (12-2-0) 72 I-C Champions: Armed Forces (10-1-0) 57 1. Carnage (6-2-0) 33 2. The Annihilation Alliance (5-3-0) 24 3. The Uncertainty Principle (5-5-0) 11 4. Ruffians (2-1-1) 9 5. Forces of Destruction (3-1-0) 8 6. Banzai (1-1-0) 1 7. Men of Colours (0-0-0) 0 8. South African Connection (0-2-0) -2 9. Judgement Day (1-1-0) -2 10. The Beast Brothers (3-6-0) -4 Women's Singles World Champion: Laurie Liberty (5-0-0) 56 1. Blaze O'Glory (6-2-0) 40 2. The Angel of Death (8-2-0) 33 3. Binkie Horowitz (3-3-1) 18 4. Lizzie "The Axe" Borden (2-1-0) 14 5. Brenda "The Revolutionist" (2-0-0) 11 6. Sarah Jackson (2-3-0) 7 7. Morganna the Kissing Bandit (0-1-1) 4 8. Banshee (1-0-0) 2 9. Buffy (0-0-0) 0 10. Katrina (0-0-0) 0 Ladies Tag Action World Champions: The HellKats (9-0-0) 36 1. The Living Legends (5-3-0) 8 2. The She-Devils (3-2-0) 4 3. The Valkyries (1-1-0) 2 4. The Cheerleaders (3-3-0) 0 5. The L.A. Women (0-3-0) -5 6. The Blonde Bombshells (3-6-1) -5 7. The Destroyers (0-6-1) -16 IWF rankings... World Champion Hunk 6-2 .771* North American Champion Abd al-Hazrd 11-3 .758* 1) Lurch 3-0 .750* 2) Hangman 5-3-1 .657* 3) Gomez 2-0 .500* 4) "Crazy" Jay 1-1 .500* 5) Goliath 4-6 .467* 6) Whiplash 5-4 .439* 7) Uncle Nasty 2-3 .400* 8) Lightning Bolt 3-5-1 .330* 9) Fester 1-1 .250* 10) Cobra Lee 2-7-1 .200* Tag Team Tag Team Champions Addams Foundation 7-1 .470* 1) Rock and Roll 6-5 .480* 2) Bad Beef 3-5 .375* 3) Revenge of the Nerds 2-2 .300* 4) Chicago Torpedoes 1-2 .150 5) Hangman and Cobra 1-0 .250* 6) Round Table 1-3 .225* 7) Punisher and Crusher 0-1 .000* Not ranked: Addams Foundation (all three) 1-0 Bad Beef&Whiplash 0-1 WeWF Wrestler Rankings World Champion: Mr. Roddy (13-3) 98 US Champion: Black Tiger (6-0) 43 Tag Team Champions: The Hoosiers (12-7) 109 Individuals 1. The General (12-7) 102 2. The Sandman (12-5) 89 3. Lucifer (8-4) 57 4. The Big Kahuna (10-5-1) 55 5. The Chameleon (7-4) 55 6. Steelgrave (9-7) 35 7. Wolf (4-1) 27 8. The Grim Reaper (7-5) 21 9. Lancelot (4-2) 20 10. The Crusher (8-7) 17 Tag Teams 1. The Law (12-2) 75 2. The Maniacs (11-7) 70 3. RnR (11-8) 49 4. The Klingons (11-11-1) 39 5. The Knights (6-3) 38 6. The Dynamic Machine (5-2) 21 7. The Surf Nazis (3-2) 12 8. Towers of Power (1-0) 8 9. Da Boyz (5-7) 8 10. The Galactic Dudes (5-7) 3 Wince: Next week looks to be exciting too... The IWF will be sending in a challenger for Mr. B, along with our first episode of the Lightning Bolt's talk show. Magilla: In addition we're adding a new feature to our top lists. Every week we'll poll you, the viewers, for your top 5 in a given category. The results will be tallied, and winners determined. For next week, please input the top 5 wrestlers you think should retire. (For whatever reason) Wince: Once again, please also send interviews. Magilla: And until next week, this has been This Week in Wrestling! Up