TWIW From: mirrosen@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Michael Rosen) Date: Sat, 15 Feb 1992 15:10:19 +0000 *********************************************************************** This Week in Wrestling This show is a joint production of UWeMail and the Lightfinger Sporting Network, and is property of the World Electronic Wrestling Federation, all rights reserved, (c) 1991. This show is brought to you by Budweiser, the King of Beers and Molson Export. Nothing halfway about it, Ex says it all! Magilla: Hi, this is Magilla Mongoose... Wince: ...I'm Wince McLady... Misty: ...and I'm Misty Radisson... All: Welcome to This Week in Wrestling! Magilla: We'll be comin' atcha each week, investigating the week that was, and pondering the week that will be in this crazy world of e-wrestling. Our roving reporter, Green Jean Oktoberfest, will bring us up to date on all the latest rumours. And our special guests will give their expert opinions on what could happen in the near future! Wince: Also this week is the TWIW title match featuring the champion, Mr. B against the Hangman, a challenger from the IWF. Magilla: Let's get started with Grean Jean Oktoberfest, and the Rumor Mill! *********************************The Rumor Mill******************************** **************************With Green Jean Oktoberfest************************** GJO: This is Green Jean Oktoberfest here, with the Rumor Mill. There's been a lot of excitement this past week in wrestling. There may be trouble brewing between the Mage's Gallery and TNT Enterprises, two of the most popular and most successful "face" organizations in e-wrestling history. At a recent card, Metallicus of the Gallery and Brimstone Baxter of TNT were seen in a shoving match in the locker room area. Sources are unable to pinpoint the cause of the trouble, but rest assured that TWIW will be looking into this matter more thoroughly. Gomez is laceing his cigar with Crack and that is where he gets all his power. The Addams are near a split after Lurch annouced his love of Morticia. Rubberbutt is Uncle Nasty's brother. Mosh and Josh of the HeadBanges are actually world reknown cello players. Lord Plunder was run out of English e-wrestling for cheating at cards. (egads, what a cad!!) "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome and T.B. Kahuna will be meeting in Oahu in April to crown the world champion of e-surfing. The WeWF Wild Ones have been inactive recently while recovering from their distemper and rabies shots, mandated by President Slim Heard. Lucifer and the Grim Reaper will be teaming up to form the Hellfire Club. Large Marge and Oink Zeppgold have been seen in several (now bankrupt) restaurants together. Rumours of an impending engagement announcement are rife. The Blonde Bombshells will be re-named the Clairol Connection. The General Machine was really the Zahorian Systems Model 101, Series 800 Terminator from the FWF. The LAW and Mark Demandable got pulled over for speeding on the way home from the last card. The Judges were quoted as saying, "You can't do this to us, we're the LAW". The Armed Forces are being sued by Demolition on the grounds of "Look and Feel"! ******************************************************************************* Magilla: Next we head into a very special spotlight featuring the Tholian Black Widow. Wince: It's about time that our editor got someone with some class for it. *****************SPOTLIGHT with Misty Radisson************************ Misty: "Ohmygosh, my guest this week is that masked hunk, the Black Widow! Hello cutie pie!" Black Widow: "Hello, Misty. Nice outfit today!" Misty <reddening beyond belief>: "OOOOOHHHHH! THANK YOU!!!!... Now, what is a nice guy like you doing in that dangerous sport?" Black Widow: "I am the best, the toughest of them all; Mr Touchdown, I thought that I was rid of you, but no: you had to come to the IWF to bug me some more! Well, after I win the North American title, I will pound your face so hard that even your hags the Cheerleaders will not be able to look at you without upsetting their stomachs!" Misty: "Speaking of the IWF: you had a, like, wonderful debut there, winning your first four matches and all that, and then you get beat by Lightning Bolt of all people, and lose four times in one week. What happened?" Black Widow: "I am truly embarrassed. I don't understand... Everyone seemed to be able to predict my every move... But it won't happen again. Ever. Mark my words: next week, I will wear the IWF North American title belt." Misty: "Well, like, good luck... Is there any chance that you would consider going out on a date with a cute announcer, by the way?" Black Widow: "Let's talk about this after the show..." Misty <wide-eyed>: "HE DIDN'T SAY NO!!!! Shut this camera down! Get away! Back to you Magilla!" ***************************************************************************** Magilla: We now go to Mark DeMandable interviewing Mosh and his manager Fender Marshall. <cut to Mark DeMandable on the arena interview> Mark : All you beer guzzling, couch potatoe, mininumum wage morons out there are in for a treat. This week, I will be interveiwing two men of class. I give you, Fender Marshall and his man, Mosh! ["Caught In A Mosh" by Anthrax roars over the arena PA as Mosh makes his way to the interview area with Fender close behind with two of his lovely escorts. They are met by a loud chorus of boo's with the exception of a few swoons by a few ladies. They hi-five Mark as they get onto the stage.] Fender: Well, it's about time we got some respect from Wallbanger and his administrative stooges of the UeWF finally realized that Mosh he should be champ, so they let him wrestle the "Fearsome" BIFF "the Terror" Jones. Mosh : This is great, I'm going to be the next Atlantic Heavyweight Champion, and there is nothing that you can do about it! So BIFF, I'll tell you this right now, it ain't gonna be a SPIFFY night for you when you lose the belt to me next week. Mark : Are you guys still after the Armed Forces? Fender: Without a doubt. Those Armed Fairies haven't learned yet, they just keep on messing with us. Mosh, here will beat any of you clowns in singles action, and if you're not careful, the HeadBangers will put you out of tag team title race, permanently. Good God! Mosh : The Armed Fairies aren't soaring anymore are they? It's more like, they're "Falling to Pieces"! Captain Garbagescow, you and Mr. B are the only two how have ever beaten me in a match, and you both had to cheat to do it! So after I whip BIFF, Garbagescow, B, I'm coming after you! [Mosh makes his way off stage] Mark : Thank you, Mosh! Hey Fender, (pointing to his escorts) where can I get a couple of those? Fender: Take this, Mark. (hands him a backstage pass) Seeya on the road. Whew! <tape ends.> Magilla: Here's a look at a man who's been on quite a losing streak lately. Wince: Hopefully he'll get back on track real soon... <roll tape> Inside a Denny's near Clearwater, FL sits a sullen large man, his back to the camera... FF: "... I was a contender, I was, people feered me and now I am being beaten by losers and punks, who wouldn't have been able to spit polish my shoes...my manager has left me, I can't fight... BRING ME SOME BLUEBERRY SYRUP DAMIT!..." (A hooded man appears behind the counter and refills his coffee, the stranger speaks...) HS:"...seems you're doing a lot of moaning and complaining here, if you want to make something of yourself, SHUT YOUR FAT MOUTH AND DO SOMETHING..." (the big man rises, and in an instant he recognizes the hooded stranger) FF: "You'd take me back, even after I turned my back on you? After all I've done to you, you'd help me?" HS: "Yes, but I will take no more quarter with your short cuts and your whining..." (The 2 leave arm in arm) FF: "You know this could be the rekindling of a beautiful friendship..." I did to you? <end tape> Magilla: It looks like Freddy could be coming back with a whole new attitude. Wince: We now go to our special colleague, Sean Moonstruck, who is interviewing the Daengerous Emotions of the UeWF! <roll tape> Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm Sean Moonstruck and welcome to Boston Garden for this special interview. And now, accompanied by their manager, the enigmatic Masked One, here are the UeWF World Tag-Team Champions, Rage and Hate, The Dangerous Emotions!!!!! <Speakers start flooding the Garden with Mariah Carey's Emotions> The Masked One leads the way down the runway, as Rage and Hate come out carrying their belts. Every ten rows or so, the Masked One points at a fan standing near the runway, and Rage or Hate randomly punch or kick the fan. Finally, they arrive at the mike. Sean: Gentleman, what I would like to know is... The Masked One: No one cares what you would like. Get out of here now. Sean stays where he is. The Masked One nods, and Rage picks up Sean by the hair and dropkicks him into the audience. The Masked One picks up the mike. The Masked One: I have an announcement to make to all the tag teams in all the federations. Now that my Emotions are the first UeWF tag-team champions, I want you to know that they will be the ONLY tag-team champions. No one will beat us. No one CAN beat us. And unless you want broken bones, stay out of the ring. Because I am not just the manager of the Dangerous Emotions, I have a new tag-team. The unstoppable force of Apocalypse. <The camera pans to the runway where two men are running towards the mike. Any fan, however casual, can identify them as Despair and Pain.> Despair takes the mike. Despair: Now that the Dangerous Emotions have the World Tag-Team belts, the Masked One decided that he wanted ALL the tag-team belts. So in the greatest coup that the UeWF will ever have, he found me not just a partner, but a kindred soul. Another man who likes to hurt people as much as I do! And together, we will spell the end of wrestling for all who stand in our way. I'm talking about this man beside me, the master of Agony, Pain! Pain: The UeWF belongs to US! No one shall stop us. The Apocalypse will be coming to you soon, and it shall be the death of you! All five men turn away and walk backstage. Sean Moonstruck finally manages his way back to the mike. Sean: Umm, I'm Sean Moonstruck, and this has been a .... <The power in the Garden goes out, and the picture stops> Magilla: We know go a bunch of guys from the UeWF who have decided that group interviewing is better than singles... (fade in, Fender Marshall, the Headbangers, the Annihilation Alliance, Eddie Awesome and Bwana all standing by) Fender: You know, I tried to be rational with you guys, I tried to live and let live. I told you personally Commander-in-Chief, leave us alone and there wouldn't be any problems, but you didn't listen did you? Well, maybe it's about time I said..."Live & Let Die"! Mosh: G.I. Jerk! Beatle Baily! Popeye the Sailor! General Admission! You idiots made 2 mistakes. One was jumping on us, and two was bragging about it! You guys think you are the bullies of the UeWF, well you're wrong, DAMN WRONG! We might not be the biggest guys here, but we sure as hell are the BADDEST! Thrash: When we're through with the Armed Forces, they'll be known as the Unknown Soldiers! You messed with the wrong guys! Cuz this is one "War Ensemble" that's gonna make you losers feel that Unconditional Surrender is your only escape! Tell'em AA Graverobber: Armed forces, I have fresh graves with your names already engraved on the tombstones. Now all I need is your corpses to fill them. I can even now feel your bodies give one last shudder as I sink the cold steel of my shovel into your flesh and rob you of your immortal souls. Unknown Assailant: Sgt Smash! You're the lucky one, you've been suspended so you have a little longer to sweat it out. On the other hand, now that I think of it maybe you're the UNlucky one becuase your ordeal will be much longer and infinitely more terrifying then the others who will meet with their downfalls quickly, but I'm afraid not painlessly. Give em some more of the gory details Eddie. Eddie: Being a surfer I know all about sinking or swimming. Well you punks have finally SUNK. I'm almost gonna feel sorry for you dog faces when my buddies here get done with you. But not so sorry that I won't have them leave at least a little piece left for the Totally Awesome Dude! Bwana: Thats letting them have it Eddie! Commander in Chief, listen up! You and your army of idiots are nothing more then a bunch of grunts compared to me, my boys, and our buddies Fender and the Headbangers. Ah how sweet it will be when the flags are draped over your unmoving forms and they play Taps for that final time. Fender: Dumb-olition! You guys are outnumbered 3 to 7! You've made 2 mistakes already, don't make the third by getting in the ring with us again, cuz remember, 3 strikes and you're out....Permanently! And as Uncle Sam would say... Altogether and pointing at the camera : "WE WANT YOU!" <end tape> Magilla: Next we have the featured bout, for the TWIW title. DeMandable: And this week, we don't have to listen to that has been they call the General. Magilla: This weeks match is between the feared Hangman of the IWF and TWIW champion, MR. B! DeMandable: Well, you know, I used to hate both these pukes until the Hangman started going after the commisioner of the IWF. Magilla: Well, he denies those allegations. Mr. B has been the champ for quite some time, and will be difficult to unseat. DeMandable: Difficult? Von Klaw had him beat last week, until that washed up old fart interfered. Magilla: If I'm correct he gave you something to remember. DeMandable: Yah, never turn your back on that yellow-bellied coward! Magilla: Mr. B and the Hangman are both in the ring now. DeMandable: They lock up, and Hangman hurls Mr. B back to the corner. Magilla: This is the first match in a while where we didn't see someone get whacked by the belt. DeMandable: Hangman gives B a kick in the midsection, and tries to slam Mr. B's head into the mat. Magilla: B blocks it, and slams the Hangman's head into the mat. DeMandable: Mr. B puts the Hangman in a hammerlock, and squeezes it tight. You call this guy a worker? This is a resthold! Magilla: Hangman powers out of it. He throws Mr. B into the ropes and follows him in with a big clothesline. DeMandable: Just about broke his pencil of a neck! Hangman puts Mr. B in a bearhug. Both these guys like their rest! Magilla: Mr. B makes it to the ropes. He pulls Hangman's leg from under him and applies a spinning toe hold! DeMandable: Hangman won't submit, and Mr. B switches it to a figure 4. Magilla: The way to fight a big man is on the mat! Great strategy by Mr. B. DeMandable: Hangman is able to power his way to the ropes. Magilla: Mr. B reaches for the leg again.. DeMandable: But a powerfull forearm to the back of the head by the Hangman! He's getting a second wind. Magilla: Hangman throws him into the ropes, and follows with a big elbow. DeMandable: Slingshot by the Hangman! He hits the ref! The ref and Mr. B are both hugging the canvas! Magilla: Where's the Hangman going? DeMandable: He's grabbing his noose! The Swarm is screaming for Mr. B to get up! Magilla: He applies the noose around Mr. B and hangs him over the top rope! DeMandable: He's whipping him like he did the commisioner. Look at the look on the faces of the Swarm! This is worth the price of admission alone! Magilla: It's also the only match! Hangman pulls Mr. B back into the ring and takes the noose off. He picks B up and climbs to the top turnbuckle! DeMandable: Flying Powerslam! B will never get up! Magilla: The ref is waking up. He counts! DeMandable: One Magilla: Two DeMandable: Three!!!!! We have a new champion. After weaseling his way around for the better part of a month, Mr. B loses the TWIW TV belt! Magilla: Now we have a feature that we haven't seen for quite some time. Wince: Here is the return of Ramblin' with DeMandable!!! ###########################Ramblin' with DeMandable############################ DeMandable: Hello once again all you overweight, beer-guzzling, arm chair quarterback waste products! Now that the Superbowl is over I imagine some of you will be pulling yourselves off your couches for the first time in months....Don't worry, I kept your girlfriends satisfied!! {The crowd erupts in boos} DeMandable: Yeah, the truth hurts huh? Same to you buddy! My guests this week are not only several time World Champions, not only the winningest tag-team in E-Wrestling history, they are the only men in all of E-Wrestledom I have even a shred of respect for. My guests this week are none other then Judges Dredd and Anderson.......THE LAW!!!! {'Welcome to the Jungle' blares over the speakers, but no matter how loud it gets, the boos from the audience remain louder as the Judges make their way to the set.} DeMandable: Hey shut up! I'm trying to work here! I must say guys, I haven't heard such a rousing reception since the last time I had the Four Corners on! Welcome Judges Dredd and Anderson. Dredd: It's an honor to be on the only respectable talk show in TWIW history, DeMandable. We've been sitting back and laying low for the past month, ya know giving the rest of the low-lifes in the WeWF a chance at the championship titles. Now it's time for us to take the spotlight once again. Anderson: And now that we've got it, we ain't NEVER givin' it back baby! We gave everyone else a chance, for a change, and look who the tag-team champions.....THE LOSER HOOSIERS!!!! How many times have we beat them into the mat, DeMandable? 8? 10?!? DeMandable:I lost count around a dozen...which brings us to the last supercard. What happened? Dredd: What happened? We put The Girls out of action.....The we put those Space Cadet Trekkies out of action....And then...The five men left on the other side of the ring managed, barely I might add, to pin my partner here... Anderson: But have no fear, DeMandable, a little bird tells me that the balance swings both ways, and I think we may just be seeing a little Justice served in the very near future....The LAW's way!!! DeMandable:Finally what do you thing about the return of those two punks Flint and Steel.... {The Crowd erupts into cheers} DeMandable: ....EH! I SAID SHUT UP!!... now like I was saying what about Flint and Steel? Dredd: What about who? Come on now didn't we just finish beating the pulp out of them while they were mascarading around as the White Knights? Please they should've got the message the first time they hit the wall and stayed out of the way! Anderson: Suffice it to say, there have been a LOT of juves out there who thought they wanted a piece of The Law....I don't see 'em lining up for seconds. Hoosiers, Flint & Steel, and the rest of you take notice, You can run, but you can't hide from... Dredd & Anderson: THE LAW!!!!!!! DeMandable: Oh YEAH!!! I do like your style! Do me an extra special favor and bust a head for me...Until next week, when my guest will be...whoever I decide to talk to..this is Mark DeMandable, as usual, in full demand telling you to Get the Hell out of here! <end tape> Magilla: The law recently had their title shot against the Hoosiers. Wince: Let's take a look at it... <roll tape> Rusty: "The Law have Mark Demandable in their corner, but so far he hasn't been a factor in the match." Vague: "Judge Dredd rams Erik into Anderson's foot, then tags out. Anderson kicks Erik in the midsection, then slams him." Rusty: "Judge Anderson twists Erik's leg and tags out to Dredd. Dredd whips Erik off the ropes, but Erik hits him with a cross body block!" Vague: "Judge Dredd is being pinned! One, two, kickout!" Rusty: "Erik tags out to Daemon, who lands a flurry of punches on Erik, then armdrags him." Vague: "Daemon drops a knee on Dredd's arm, but Anderson sneaks up from behind and hammers Daemon!" Rusty: "Daemon tags to Erik, who pounds on Dredd. Dredd lunges for a tag, but The General pulls Judge Anderson off the ring apron!" Vague: "Erik whips Dredd to The Hoosiers' corner, and picks him up for the Hoosier Homecoming!" Rusty: "Wait a minute, Mark Demandable just hit The General from behind! It didn't have any effect, and now The General is chasing DeMandable around the ring!" Vague: "Machiavelli is distracting the referee, and Judge Anderson shakes the top rope, causing Daemon to fall off before he can dropkick Dredd!" Rusty: "Meanwhile Dredd cradles Erik! The referee turns around! One, two, three!" Vague: "The winners, and for the third time WeWF Tag Team Champions: The Law!" Rusty: "The General just caught up to DeMandable! He grabs Machiavelli too, and bangs their heads together!" Vague: "The Law have just been presented with the belts, and now they're attacking The Hoosiers! The General grabs a chair and cleans house, though." Wince: "The Law are once again Tag Team Champions!" Baboon: "You saw Judge Anderson interfere when he wasn't the legal man." Wince: "Yes, but the referee's decision is final. Not to worry, though. There will be a rematch next week." Baboon: "Hopefully Machiavelli and DeMandable won't be allowed at ringside then." <end tape> Magilla: The Hoosiers lost a very shaky decision the LAW. Wince: Their long reign as champs has ended. The General has been succesfull as their manager, and is sure to get them back to the top. Magilla: We now have a taped interview with another successfull manager... <roll tape> [on location from Ace's home in Buffalo, NY] Misty: I'm sitting here with Ace Diamond, in the living room of his semi- palacial estate in Buffalo, NY. Ace, this is your first public interview without one of your wrestlers, and I'm sure the viewers would love to know what makes you tick. Let's start with a brief history of your career in wrestling, Ace. Diamond: OK. Ummm...I debuted in the IWA in April 1990 and within six months, all three of my men were champions of some sort. In February 1991, I signed Whiplash Watson, and he was promising in the IWA. My men were suspended from the IWA for sneak attacking someone who had done the same to me a few weeks earlier, and when we saw the openings in the UFWS, we came in. The rest, as they say, is history. Misty: What about before you started managing, Ace? Diamond: Well, as you know, I am the CEO of TNT Enterprises, Inc., a privately owned corporation based out of New York, NY, and I have held that position for about three years. I also have served on the board for Turner Broadcasting, AT&T, and I was being considered to replace George Steinbrenner on the U. S. Olympic Committee. Misty: Pretty impressive resume! Diamond: Well, I try. [laughs] Misty: Now, how would you best describe yourself, Ace? Diamond: Well, I've always thought of myself as Paul Ellering with Ric Flair's wardrobe and attitude, Ted DiBiase's wealth, and of course my own intangible qualities. Basically, I'm an opportunist; if I see an opportunity waiting, I'll go after it. That's what got me into pro wrestling management, and I hope that it will lead me and my men to the pinnacle. Misty: Now, with all this talk about the EMWA's return, do you think you'll bring your men in? Diamond: Absolutely, Misty. Like I said, I'm an opportunist, and the rebirth of the EMWA presents a great opportunity. A clean slate, so to speak. Misty: But don't you think that wrestling for three federations will hurt them in the long run, Ace? Diamond: Yes, I do, Misty. Such a work schedule would be detrimental to any wrestlers, even those in supreme physical condition like my men. So, I have decided to pull my Brimstone Baxter and Cannonball Calhoun out of the UeWF. Misty [shocked]: But what about the FOD? And what about Powerhouse Pruitt? Diamond: I am leaving Powerhouse Pruitt in the UeWF, but I will not bring him to the EMWA. I am trying my best to diversify my stable, so I am going to be bringing in three new male wrestlers. One will go to the EMWA, and the other two will replace Baxter and Calhoun in the UeWF. Misty: What about your men in the UFWS? Diamond: Well, if Rustin Nose gets his Texas ass in gear and starts doing house shows again, I will keep my three men in the UFWS. If not, well, the WeWF is looking mighty appealing right about now. Misty: What about your three women's wrestlers? Diamond: Well, I will be pulling them out of the UeWF too. Diana Daniels will stay, however. She has expressed interest in offering her services as a valet to R. U. Reddy. Perfect couple, I'd say. Misty: Well, we're just about out of time, Ace. Thank you very much for this interview! Diamond: No problem, Misty. By the way, Powerhouse says hello, and he wants to thank you again for a wonderful time the other night. Misty [gushing]: Wow...Ummm...Gosh...Well...tell him I said Hi...Back to Wince and Magilla... <fade out> Magilla: And now lets cut to Mark DeMandable and a live interview with Dominic "Da Boss" Altobelli. DeMandable: I'm here with Da so-called Boss, who manages a couple of second rate tag teams, Da Boyz in the WeWF and Terry "the Hit Man" Haynes and Big Tommy Gunn, the IWF's Chicago Torpedoes. So, Boss, what have you got to say for yourself and your band of clowns. Da Boss: Youse is just sore, DeMandable. You hasn't liked me or any of of da Family, ever since Da Boyz took dat mask offa Budman, back before Christmas. DeMandable: THAT'S A LIE, IT NEVER HAPPENED...and you lost that match, too, LOSER. Da Boss: Be dat as it may, DeMandable, I am here to address a rumour that Miz Green Jean Oktoberfest repeated on dis show, just last week, namely dat I am offerin' 10 Gs to whoever breaks da knees of da Law. Well folks, dis rumour is completely untrue and I just wanna say one ting to whomever started spreading it.....GREAT IDEA! (he lifts two briefcases onto the table and holds one up to the camera) In fact, I like de idea so much, I decided to make it TRUE. (opens briefcase to reveal several stacks of 100$ bills inside) Dis here briefcase contains 10,000 simoleans and it goes to whatever man or men puts da Law out of wrestling. Dat's right Surf Nazis, Maniacs, Inquisition - 10,000 dollars. Hell, I don't care if the job is done by da Loser Hoosiers or dose ratty Klingons, I'll still cough up da dough. DeMandable: Too bad the Four Corners aren't around anymore or you could just let me have it now, Boss. Da Boss: Don't tempt me, DeMandable. Dis other briefcase is for you, but first I tink we needs ta review a liddle of last weeks action. [roll tape] DeMandable: "Mark DeMandable here as a special guest interviewer, Boyz I want you to know that I came all the way here from the UeWF, just to talk to you. You should be impressed..." <waits for boos to die down> DeMandable: "...So tell me what do you think about your competition tonite?" Nunzio: "It's just a warm up. The Law is who we're really after!" <Dredd and Anderson can be seen stepping up behind Da Boyz holding metal chairs, DaBoyz don't seem to notice.> DeMandable: "Oh... you mean those two guys right there behind you!" Nunzio: "What?!?!" <Dredd and Anderson jump Da Boyz and start slamming the chairs into their legs. DeMandable seems to be giving them encouragement! Anderson scoops up Guido and piledrives him on the concrete floor, and then Dredd does the same with Nunzio! A bunch of security guys come running, but DeMandable heads them off...> [end tape] DeMandable: HAHAHAHAH!!! Whats the matter, Boss, can't your boys handle a little heat. Da Boss: Ask yourself dat question, DeMandable. (DeMandable hears footsteps behind him and whirls around just in time to catch a double-clothsline from Guido and Big Tommy Gunn. Nunzio and Terry Haynes then grab him and drag him to his feet. Da Boss opens the second briefcase and begins tossing pieces of cloth to the four wrestlers who surround DeMandable and appear to be putting something on him. Da Boss tosses his men the last item and throws the case to the side. Da Boyz and Da Chicago Torpedoes finish putting the last item on Demandable and step aside to reveal him dressed in an item made famous by Bobby "the Brain" Heenan ......................THE WEASAL SUIT.......................................... The wrestlers slap DeMandable around a little to return him to consciousness and then release him.) Da Boss: Well, whattaya tink now, ya little weasel. (DeMandable tries to run, but Nunzio steps on the dragging tail of the weasel suit and Marc is jerked off his feet. As he tries to get back on his feet he notices his hands and realizes, for the first time, what he is wearing.) DeMandable: YOU YELLOW LITTLE..... (as DeMandable charges Da Boss, Tommy Gunn trips him, then the Hit Man and Guido hold him as Nunzio slaps the Black Hand Claw onto him.) Da Boss: YOU JUST REMEMBER DeMandable, don't mess wit da Family or da Family will mess you over, GOT IT? (Nunzio releases an apparently once more unconscious DeMandable and the Family exits stage right.) Wince: Wow, DeMandable really got his there! Magilla: We both know that he's not the type to take that kind of treatment sitting down. Wince: Let's look at our weekly top five... The top five wrestlers who need to retire. 1) Vito Gianelli - Is he still alive? Nobody's seen the pizza man since he first returned! 2) Freak - winless in 10 bouts, he needs a new start! 3) Men of Colours - No matches, no interviews, no nothing! 4) Large Marge - Fat & Ugly, and off to a terrible start! 5) Lucifer - Off to a good start, but now getting title shots he doesn't deserve. Magilla: If I'm correct, crowd response was overwhelming! Wince: That is correct, he did overwhelm me. But seriously, this is a chance for you, the viewer, toe heard. Next week we'll have the top 5 wrestlers that need to go back to the gym... Magilla: Let's go to roving reporter Sean Moonstruck again, who's snagged down the Magician. Moonstruck: "I've finally caught up with the Magician, head of the multi-league e-wrestling organization known as the Mage's Gallery. Mr. Magician, what do you have to say about rumors that there are difficulties between your organization and TNT Enterprises?" Magician: "There is absolutely NO truth to any of these stories. I don't know where you've been hearing such things, but they're obviously nothing but a pack of malicious lies being spread by some common enemy in an attempt to discredit us. Anyone who believes there's any truth to this mudslinging must have something lacking between the ears, if you know what I mean. Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do." (to camera) "Shut that off, NOW!" Moonstruck: "Wait a minute! What about the shoving match between Metallicus and..." (cut off by slamming of locker room door) Moonstruck (to camera): "Well, there's OBVIOUSLY more here than the Magician is admitting to. This reporter won't rest until the full truth is uncovered. Back to you, guys!" Magilla: Could this be? Trouble with TNT and the Mage's gallery? Wince: Never. Those two teams are the epitome of sportsmanship in the ring. I think that you are just misreading the events. Magilla: Now let's take a look at the rankings. Wince: Please note that these don't take into account the latest IWF card. WeWF Top 10 World Champion: The Sandman (14-5) 113 US Champion: Black Tiger (8-0) 66 Tag Team Champions: The Law (15-2) 109 Individuals 1. The General (13-8) 101 2. Mr. Roddy (13-6) 84 3. Lucifer (11-4) 74 4. The Chameleon (7-5) 51 5. The Big Kahuna (10-7-1) 46 6. "Gentleman" Jim Gilette (6-7-1) 29 7. Lancelot (5-3) 27 8. Metal (7-7-2) 23 9. "Irish" Mike Flint (3-0) 21 10. "Gentleman" Jim Nice (2-3-1) 15 Tag Teams 1. The Hoosiers (13-8) 130 2. RnR (13-8) 68 3. The Maniacs (11-9) 51 4. Flint and Steel (7-6-1) 33 5. The Dynamic Machine (7-2) 32 6. The Klingons (11-12-1) 32 7. Da Boyz (6-8-1) 19 8. The Inquisition (3-3) 8 9. Towers of Power (1-1) 3 10. Legion of Fear (0-0) -2 World Champion Lurch 5-1 North American Champion Abd al-Hazrd 13-3 The Contenders 1. Hangman 2. Gomez 3. Hunk 4. Whiplash 5. Lightning Bolt 6. Hunk 7. Goliath 8. RubberButt 9. Uncle Nasty 10. Black Widow Tag Team Tag Team Champions Revenge of the Nerds 5-4 1. Chicago Torpedoes 4-3 2. Addams Foundation 9-3 3. Nasty Boyz 0-2 4. Truth and Justice 0-1 UeWF World Champion: Mr.B (11-2-1) 64 I-C Champion: Admiral Ax (10-0-0) 72 Atlantic Champion: vacant Pacific Champion: T'ien "Master" Lung (12-1-1) 48 1. Lord Plunder (11-3-0) 40 2. The Ultimate Lanny (9-3-1) 33 3. Biff "The Terror" Jones (6-0-0) 32 4. Mosh (6-1-0) 28 5. The Shropshire Slasher (6-0-1) 25 6. Rage (4-1-0) 22 7. Jake Canadian Shield (5-1-1) 17 8. Pain (6-4-1) 17 9. "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome (5-6-0) 14 10. Lucifer (3-2-0) 13 World Tag Team Champions: Dangerous Emotions (12-3-0) 35 I-C Tag Team Champions: Carnage (8-2-0) 28 1. Armed Forces (12-2-0) 28 2. The Annihilation Alliance (5-3-0) 12 3. The Ruffians (3-1-1) 6 4. Forces of Destruction (4-2-0) 5 5. The Uncertainty Principle (6-6-0) 4 6. Judgement Day (2-1-0) 1 7. Apocalypse (1-1-0) 0 8. Men of Colours (0-1-0) -2 9. The Beast Brothers (3-6-0) -2 10. The Horowitz Brothers (4-6-0) -3 Ladies World Champion: Laurie Liberty (6-0-0) 39 1. The Angel of Death (9-2-0) 27 2. Blaze O'Glory (7-4-0) 26 3. Sarah Jackson (4-3-0) 18 4. Lizzie "The Axe" Borden (3-1-0) 14 5. Enchanting Evelyn Idol (2-1-0) 9 6. Binkie Horowitz (3-4-1) 4 7. Brenda "The Revolutionist" (2-1-0) 2 8. Banshee (1-0-0) 1 9. Katrina (0-0-0) 0 10. Katherine (0-0-0) 0 Ladies World Tag Team Champions: The HellKats (10-0-0) 22 1. The Living Legends (6-3-0) 6 2. The Valkyries (2-2-0) 3 3. The She-Devils (3-4-0) 1 4. The Cheerleaders (4-3-0) 1 5. The Blonde Bombshells (4-7-1) -3 6. The L.A.Women (1-4-0) -4 7. The Destroyers (0-7-1) -11 Magilla: The editor apologizes for a late TWIW... Wince: We are still attempting to getting these out on Tuesdays! Magilla: Next week, look forward to a TWIW rematch between new champion, the Hangman, and former champion, Mr. B! Wince: We'd also appreciate any interviews sent in. Magilla: The Armed forces are invited to send in a Spotlight. Wince: Until next week, this is this week in Wrestling! Up