UEFL: Satellite Division Newsletter From: billoj@aix.rpi.edu (Jeremy Louis Billones) Date: Sat, 08 Feb 1992 04:57:16 +0000 Satellite Division Newsletter Session G LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash EB Inuvik Ancient Vikings 31 15 5 1 84 34 7 5 590 MVP SFWA Hawks 27 12 6 3 60 33 4.5 3 ??? BOTH Norwegian Conspiracy 27 11 5 5 53 32 6.5 3 346 BOTH Yungsten Yahoos 20 8 9 4 56 67 4.5 3 1052 EB Amazing Leaping Lemmings 19 8 10 3 70 48 2 3 489 EB SC Lions 17 8 12 1 41 70 5 4 192 Tubeway United 14 6 13 2 54 87 0 4 571 Baggins Myrth 13 5 13 3 30 77 1.5 3 358 After careful consideration, the commissioner's office has determined that sanctions will be imposed upon the Amazing Leaping Lemmings for their unpardonable attack on Victory, the mascot of the Inuvik Ancient Vikings. As punishment, a safety net will be constructed around the Lemmings' stadium for their home match against the Vikings in session H. Fines: Amazing Leaping Lemmings tried to field the same player twice in one match. The offending player was restricted to his natural position. $10K fine. Trades & Roster Moves: The Inuvik Ancient Vikings cut Dante Inferno (FW). The SC Lions cut Jon Pilnar (DF), Jaques Lecheval (MF), and Frederick Lazar (FW). Baggins Myrth cuts Iggy Hyrd (GK) The Oxaxaca Tortugas send Bruce Sterling (FW) to the SFWA Hawks to complete an earlier deal. Press: ********News from Lemmings-ville******************* Session G was notable for the fact that the Lemmings performed quite creditably even without there manager being present. Rezvani made his long awaited reappearance after injury against the Mirth, and now faces the long task of pulling in the lead by Yordan. Manager Sargent is expected back before session H, so the Lemmings performance is likely to improve. ************Watch this space for more********************* This news bulletin proudly brought to you by the Red Cross, sponsors of the Amazing Leaping Lemmings *******Watch this space for more********************* --------------------------------------------------------------------- yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Time for a little endgame... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Inuvik Free Press: A _road trip_ !!! The team left Asgard Park in gloomy spirits, knowing the team must face top rivals NC and SFWA in their home fields. Coach Jon Bjorn Erikson was actually sober when he told us: "This session could well be the downfall of the Vikings. Without Victory at our side to cheer us on, we are not happy about challenging these top teams. Several people figured NC was on their way down, but we realize their threat and hope we don't underestimate them. The SFWA is always tough, and I doubt we can hold our own there. We just hope not to get injured." Meanwhile, poor Victory has nearly recovered from the harrowing lemming encounter. Expect Victory to be ready for next week's games. The Ancient Vikings saw a lot of team shuffling for the second week in a row. Coach Erikson said: "Gee, we were getting so many good new players that some of the guys not pulling their weight were given the door." Madman Muammar Qaddafi was glad to see them go. "Those camel-smelling rejects deserve the worst! I relish their leaving, especially Torrenarro. That refuse pile was after my job! I'm still the best MF on the team and damn the flea bitten rodents if they think they can compete with me!" Michael Yordan, disappointed after only a single goal last session, predicts a better showing this time around. "Rezvani should be making a brief appearance this session, and hopefully the added pressure of his performance will spur me on to victory. Calrellian is also pushing his way up the list. I hope I'm up to the challenge." (Baggins Myrth [UPI]) The recession has Hit Middle Earth Hard. All the Dwarves that were laid off from the Mines are angry for a few victories to raise the spirits. This Author doesn't envy the Lemmings at all. (however, there will be free servings of lemming legs served at the home game.) The long awaited win, finally came in a glorious shut out against the Yahoos. This knocked the Yahoos down a few knotches and keeps the Myrth within reach of fifth place and a berth in the playoffs. The Middle Earth fans were also greeted with a draw with the Conspiracy (obviously they had nothing to do with the poor box office take of Oliver Stones recent movie _JFK_ :) ) Although the recently laid off dwarven miners nearly rioted, a well placed smoke grenade or two has saved that fury for another day. We won't even talk about the loss to Tubeway United. In the race for last place, this was a very close match. Finally, the new recruit, Tony Greene, although a good foot taller then the other Hobbits, has been very productive. Coach Frost while between eating frenzies was quoted as saying "Greene, yes he will make *munph* make *munph* a great *chomp* Star some *munph* day." [SFWA] Press: with an upcoming game at LemmingsVille, the SFWA front office acquired PP Lemming with the hope that he might contribute some insight to the Lemming tactics. Unfortunately, the Lemming organization (!) seems to have left some ROM's out of poor PP. All he knows about is Clarabelle (huh?). we suspect that PP might have been an unplanned survivor of the Lemming Leap. Coach Farhi of the SFWA has been further beset with the arrival of Jaime (10'5 on 1/22/92). With Kit (the Mom) out to lunch on various legal (but pro- and pre-scribed) drugs, he has been forced to take part in various sleep deprivation experiments. It is hoped that the kid (being at least a B - see EEFL), will turn into a star center forward one of these days (instead of a dumb fullback like his dad...) Auction Results: 1) Age 0 SL 5 MF SCL 237 Erkskine Childers 2) Age 0 SL 4 FW IAV 91 Painted Pony 3) Age I SL 10 DF NC 256 Orjan Martinsen 4) Age I SL 5 MF IAV 31 Mister Midfield Free Agents: 1) Age 0 SL 3 FW 2) Age I SL 6 GK 3) Age I SL 5 MF 4) Age II SL 8 GK Session H EB deadline is Wednesday, February 12nd, at 10PM. The final deadline is Friday, February 14th. Session H: match 22: ALL @ SCL TU @ NC BM @ IAV SFWA @ YY match 23: NC @ SCL IAV @ ALL SFWA @ TU YY @ BM match 24: SCL @ IAV NC @ SFWA YY @ ALL TU @ BM ******************************************************************************** Match 19 ******************************************************************************** Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Norwegian Conspiracy 0 - 2 0 - 7 S. Hussein (1) Thorsen (1) Oygard (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Yungsten Yahoos 0 - 4 1 - 7 Kisser (2) Campbell (1) Lincoln (1) Anchor (bk) Pering (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baggins Myrth vs SFWA Hawks 0 - 1 3 - 7 Greene (bk) Dickson (1) S. Falk (bk) Pournelle (bk) Thurman (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tubeway United vs Inuvik Ancient Vikings 0 - 5 1 - 8 Qaddafi (2) Hanko (1) Westwood (1) Yordan (1;bk) Sabre (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 20 ******************************************************************************** Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs Norwegian Conspiracy 2 - 5 7 -11 Calrellian (1) Arild (3) de Silva (1;bk) S. Hussein (1) Schjefstad (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Yungsten Yahoos vs Tubeway United 8 - 3 9 - 5 Bailey (3) Cann (2) Harding (3) Gahan (1) Jordan (1) Richards (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SFWA Hawks vs Amazing Leaping Lemmings 1 - 0 1 - 0 Pournelle (1) Bohnhoff (bk) Fahdmutha (bk) Thurman (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baggins Myrth vs SC Lions 0 - 1 0 - 1 Ghandi (bk) Unglata (1) McLuther (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 21 ******************************************************************************** Norwegian Conspiracy vs Yungsten Yahoos 1 - 1 1 - 6 Ronning (1) Harding (1) Bailey (bk) Norman (bk) Pering [inj;pull] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Inuvik Ancient Vikings vs SFWA Hawks 0 - 0 1 - 2 Sabre (bk) Bujold (RC) Croatia (bk) Asimov (bk) Hanko [inj;brk] -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SC Lions vs Tubeway United 4 - 2 5 - 4 Hastur (2) [inj;spr] Gore (1) Dragonwing (1) Ure (1) Martin (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amazing Leaping Lemmings vs Baggins Myrth 2 - 2 5 - 5 F. Frank L. (2) Beltane (1) A. Andrew L. [inj;lig] McLuther (1;bk) T. Tom L. [inj;spr] D. Falk (bk) ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up