UEFL:Central Division Newsletter From: billoj@aix.rpi.edu (Jeremy Louis Billones) Date: Sat, 08 Feb 1992 04:55:18 +0000 Central Division Newsletter Session G LP W L D GF/GA CP/TP Cash BOTH Moonshine by Urn 34 16 3 2 73 32 5 3 243 BOTH Sordid Sages 31 14 4 3 66 20 4.5 6 378 EB Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 21 8 8 5 50 39 3.5 3 344 EB Cylinder Heads 17 7 11 3 51 58 2 3 656 EB Wainscotting 17 7 11 3 41 64 1.5 3 199 EB The New Lions 16 8 13 0 33 61 0.5 3 291 EB Amdahl United 16 7 12 2 54 63 8.5 3 1064 EB Safety in Numbers 16 6 11 4 43 74 3.5 3 284 The Cylinder Heads are 4th based on head-to-head record (3 - 0) Oh, boy - relegation is going to go right down to the wire... so here's a reminder of the tie-breakers: 1) League Points 2) Most Wins 3) Head-to-Head Record 4) Goal Differential (+/-) 5) Goals Scored 6) Head-to-Head Goal Differential 7) Head-to-Head Goals Scored 8) Head-to-Head Away Goals Scored {pro-rated} Trades and Roster Moves: SC Lions trade 1 TP to the Sordid Sages for 1 CP. The Sordid Sages trade Ralph Waldo Emerson (MF) to Amdahl United for a "large" number of TPs. Safety in Numbers cuts Tristan Thompson (DF), and sells Tom Lehrer (MF) to the minor leagues. Sordid Sages purchase Osirus (FW) from the minor leagues. Amdahl Unlimited signs Christian Benito (DF), Marc Ervin (DF), Jose Ghavez (MF), and Damon Van Schaack (FW) from the minor leagues. {I don't think anybody bought 6 - but I better check, huh?} Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks sell Chellogs Neightien (DF) to the minor leagues. Auction Results: 1) Age 0 SL 3 GK AU 100 Cartina Cherova 2) Age II SL 11 DF CH 137 Walter Rama 3) Age III SL 13 FW MbU 150 Johnny Debt 4) Age I SL 10 DF TPR 430 Beau Tye Free Agents: {last ones for Central} 1) Age 0 SL 4 DF 2) Age 0 SL 3 DF 3) Age 0 SL 8 FW 4) Age I SL 8 SW The Deadline for Session H lineups is Friday February 7th at 1 PM EST The EB deadline is 10PM on Wednesday 5th. Session H: match 22: MbU @ SS SiN @ TPR W @ AU CH @ NL match 23: TPR @ SS AU @ MbU CH @ SiN NL @ W match 24: SS @ AU TPR @ CH NL @ MbU SiN @ W Press: Another brilliantly played session put Wainscotting in an excellent position to be bombed back to Peripheral next season, a destination already nostalgic for the Gumbies. "Ah, yes, Peripheral," said MF/FW X.T. Gumby. "Where I could be considered a good player and actually score now and then." However, Manager Buffum was brooking no defeatist talk, and in session G the squad came out gunning for the defending Cup Champeens with everything they had. Play was marred by the numerous stoppages for discipline against sundry Wainscotting players, notably in the midfield, where the Sages superior fire- power had them scrambling all match, especially after all the scrambling they were forced to do against the Cylinder Heads. "Well, we had enough for two good showings," Buffum sighed. "All I could hope for is to choose the right two." The players seemed very distracted in the Sages match, most of whom had never set foot inside a library before. Defender S.D. "Special Delivery" Gumby had a particularly tough time in the confines of the Sages new home field, shouting "Sorry! Sorry!" numerous times as large stacks of books were dislodged by his own distinct style of play. "Avoiding objects was never a valued skill in Wainscotting," Buffum lamented, "although the new medical school is most impressive." Newcomer E.Z. Gumby was thrown immediately to the wolves in session G, plugging up the holes created by the departure of P.P. "Pete" Lemming. When asked which team was more formidable, Gumby stated that although the Heads were a fierce test, the Sages' ability to levitate at will caused numerous problems. Actually, the direct quote was "Oooooohhh!", but fortunately M.C. "Serch" Gumby was able to translate. "I pride myself in being able to communicate well," Gumby replied, "except with chrysanthemunimumenums." MOONSHINE MADNESS: Great, just great. I do my best to run the EEFL, holding those 8 teams from down under at arm's length, as best I can. Okay, so I held one or two of them under a bit too long; they should have known they needed SCUBA gear, right? So what happens? While I'm doing that, one of them gets loose, packs up a local loonie, and sends him to my MbU address, soused to the gills, C.O.D. Have you ever tried to come up with $348,000 in cash while the UPS delivery clown is glaring at you, impatienly tapping his foot on your daffodils? Well, after he gets done counting that last $2,534 in pennies, I send him back to the river and open the package. Out pops this guy looking like Bob Chilcothe (upper baritone for The King's Singers) with his hand on a van de Graf generator, stinking of Tasmanian devil manure and old hops. He started babbling on about splitting the "beer atom" just as I was distracted by some motion in the bottom of the crate. I missed one of his conclusions, but the guy is obviously some sodden git of a birth-deformed wallaby, so I did what any politically correct USer would do with a new guest in need of a bath -- I grabbed him around the throat, and started beating the other critters in the crate with him. Some time in the lab determined that the things in the crate were long- toothed lemmings. Fortunately, I got them all before they multiplied. The last lemming run we had in Portland filled up the Columbia; the Sockeye salmon is now an endangered species. This time, who knows? We could have lost over half our indigenous amusing politician population. Anyway, I'm not really sure what to do with this bod. I tried pointing to the bathtub, toilet, and fridge, saying "Bathe here ... shit here ... get pissed here." He bathes in the creek behind the house (full of clay mud) and shits where the dog does. He takes all the beer we haven't welded to the wall of the fridge, disappearing into the shed with it. I hate to think of what he might be doing. In the meantime, I'm starting extradition proceedings against Sarge and Mel. If I can get either one of these guys into the county, I'm going to drug him and sew him to this new guy at the hip. That's right, guys -- your finger- prints were all over the plastic bubble pads you shipped with him. Learn for next time: you don't ship into Oregon with non-biodegradable packing material. One of you will be a siamese twin by the end of March. In happier news, MbU is trying to find a reasonable trade, but negotiations have broken down with Wainscotting and the Ridgebacks. It seems none of has anything the other really wants. Who do you know wants to buy a MF? [Amdahl] After yet another less than remarkable session of play, Ahmdal Unlimited has dodged another bullet. Although star DF Boot Posterior sustained a broken leg and will be out for the season, the team is lucky that they lost only one player. The question has been ringing in everyone's ears for sometime: "How long can Ahmdal's aging stars keep going?". It appears that the question has finally been answered. In a hastilly called press conference, it was announced that Ahmdal has signed four players from the minor leagues. It is hoped that this new blood will lift the team out of it's current slump and into the upper reaches of the central division. In a related note, a rumor has been circulating that Ahmdal's star GK, Don Wortham, was arrested last week for posession of approximatly 5 kilos of cocaine. It turns out, however, that Wortham was later released when police chemists discovered the white powder to be flour, and not cocanine. "All I wanted was some cookies!", Wortham was later quoted as saying. News from the Black and White ============================= The Ridgebacks prepared hard for session G after a somewhat disappointing F. "Nobody REALLY expected us to pull a third MVP, but 2-1 would have been nice... or even 1-1-1.," commented manager Yazoo. He continued, "The main question at this point is: are we willing to sacrifice third place for a spot at the top?" Conventional wisdom is that TPR should hang in there and wait until next season, but then again, TPR has never been a particularly conventional team. JUDGE OF THE DEAD FOUND IN BASEMENT (Library of Alexandria, England) ----------------------------------- Osiris, Judge of the Dead found in Library basement by Magic Johnson who was down there studying up on 'The Activitie and Propulsion of Spheroid Objects Toward Targetts Desired'. "I was practicing my hook shot," he explained, " when this guy walks through the wall and asks me if we have any books on how to make a good Salmon Pate. I of course directed him toward the culinary section and offered my opinion that salmon steaks were a much better use of the fish. He agreed with me but said that it had been agreed that he provide the 'Chips and Dip' for his team's end of season banquet. I of course ask and find out that he was a member of the Necropolis Football League (NEFL). At that point of course I contacted the Coach as I know that we are always on the lookout for new talent." "When I heard that Magic had come across some new talent, and a FW no less, I of course jumped at the chance to hire Osiris," Archmage Fred told reporters. When asked if the new acquisition would cause any shakeups in the Sage roster, Fred said that of course it would since the Sages policy keeping a minimum roster meant that now they had one player too many. "We have decided to approach Amdahl about acquiring his training staff, which we have noticed is under-utilized in exchange for an up and coming player." When asked who would be the player offered, he replied that "that would depend on their needs." An annonymous source within the club said that he thought it would be MF Ralph Waldo Emerson. "None of us can understand his logic anyway and attempts are being made to contact his protege Thoreau who we like much better." As a final note, Sage staff was told to keep a look out for any other players who might be wandering among the stacks. ******************************************************************************** Match 19 ******************************************************************************** Sordid Sages vs New Lions 7 - 0 9 - 0 John (2) Mephisto (2) Abaddon (1) Johnson (1) Nostrodamus (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moonshine by Urn vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 2 - 0 27- 7 Seymour (1) Fleck (bk) [inj;spr] T. Welch (1) Grappelli (bk) Center (bk) Jamerson (bk) Mason (bk) Mingus (bk) Vibbentrop (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Wainscotting vs Cylinder Heads 1 - 5 16- 7 Arc (1) Hanson (2) Battista (bk) Zerr (2) A.N. Gumby (bk) Stallone (1) S.D. Gumby (bk) Reeds (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Safety in Numbers vs Amdahl Unlimited 6 - 3 15- 4 Cyphers (6) Ghavez (2) Otaka (1) ******************************************************************************** Match 20 ******************************************************************************** Sordid Sages vs Wainscotting 1 - 1 2 - 1 Abaddon (1) S.D. Gumby (1) E.Z. Gumby (bk) F.Q. Gumby (bk) X.T. Gumby (bk) Reeds (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Cylinder Heads vs Moonshine by Urn 3 - 6 11-23 Primadona (2) Open (2;bk) Stumble (1) Seymour (2) Flatulence (1) Mason (1;bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amdahl Unlimited vs Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks 1 - 1 4 - 8 Van Schaack (1) Jamerson (1) Cooder (bk) Feynman (bk) Lite (bk) W. Otto (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- New Lions vs Safety in Numbers 0 - 1 0 - 1 Clayton (bk) Harrah (1) Kafka (bk) ******************************************************************************** Match 21 ******************************************************************************** Moonshine by Urn vs Wainscotting 2 - 0 2 - 0 Vibbentrop (2) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuxedo Park Ridgebacks vs New Lions 5 - 2 8 - 7 E. Otto (3) Nietzsche (1) Lyons (1) Pauling (1) Oakley (1;bk) Copernicus (bk) Liberty (bk) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Amdahl Unlimited vs Cylinder Heads 4 - 0 6 - 4 Otaka (2) Chot (1) Friend (1) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sordid Sages vs Safety in Numbers 2 - 1 9 - 2 Marley (1) Bonar (1;bk) Sadat (1) Lowen (bk) ******************************************************************************** (bk) indicates booked (4 DP) (RC) indicates sent off (10DP) [Inj;???] indicates injury by type (#) indicates # of goals scored Up