TWIW From: Michael Rosen <mirrosen@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> Date: Wed, 26 Feb 1992 05:20:47 +0000 *********************************************************************** This Week in Wrestling This show is a joint production of UWeMail and the Lightfinger Sporting Network, and is property of the World Electronic Wrestling Federation, all rights reserved, (c) 1992. This show is brought to you by Busch Light, the Beer Drinkers Beer, Budweiser, the King of Beers and Molson Export. Nothing halfway about it, Ex says it all! Magilla: Hi, this is Magilla Mongoose... Wince: ...I'm Wince McLady... Misty: ...and I'm Misty Radisson... All: Welcome to This Week in Wrestling! Magilla: We'll be comin' atcha each week, investigating the week that was, and pondering the week that will be in this crazy world of e-wrestling. Our roving reporter, Green Jean Oktoberfest, will bring us up to date on all the latest rumours. And our special guests will give their expert opinions on what could happen in the near future! Wince: Also this week is the TWIW title match featuring the champion, the Hangman of the IWF, against a rising star of the WeWF, Lancelot! Magilla: In addition, we'll have the Armed Forces on Misty Radisson's spotlight. Wince: We'll also have some featured matches from the recent IWF SuperCard along with many other matches. Magilla: Let's get started with Grean Jean Oktoberfest, and the Rumor Mill! *********************************The Rumor Mill******************************** **************************With Green Jean Oktoberfest************************** GJ: There aren't as many rumor this week, but many of them are quite interesting... The General will have a special guest manager at ringside with him the upcoming WeWF SuperCard. Lurch from the Adams Foundation is looking to challenged banished Fourth Corner BudMan to a beer-drinking contest. Misty Raddison wears big hoop earings to give her ankles a spot to rest. Harvey Wallbanger earned his last name. Freddie Fitness isn't just a client of weight watchers, he's the owner! Admiral Ax may be 14-1, but he got whupped as a schoolkid by Geraldo Rivera! The General Machine is really Rustin' Nose! ******************************************************************************* Wince: Admiral Ax? Defeated by Geraldo Rivera? That must have been hard to live down! Magilla: Next we go to Spotlight with Misty Radisson! ****************************************************************************** Spotlight with Misty Radisson <Misty stands with a dejected look on her face> Misty: Well, like, I was supposed to meet the Armed Forces for an interview, but I couldn't meet them... Listen to these instructions... Take 94 south to 65, then exit on Kinsor Pike. Like me, a lady of high class would go fishing! Maybe next week we'll have an interview... ****************************************************************************** Magilla: Indeed, maybe next week! Wince: Freddie Fitness has been making a name for himself with his new image! Magilla: Let's hear some comments from him! <Roll Tape> (The scene a darkened room with a single spot light on a hooded man) " Lucifer, your name strikes fear in most wrestlers here in the UEWF... I even at one time embraced your teachings, but I know better now... My Mentor has shown me the way, of good and purity... No longer do I swill the carnal beer and crunch the demonic chips... I now am one with my body, with my courage, BEHOLD WHAT THIS HAS WROUGHT!" Freddie throws off his cape to show a newer stronger, leaner and meaner Freddie Fitness. The hooded mentor enters... " Lucifer, what the dark side could not use, I have molded into a fighting machine! You shall be the first to fall to his wrath! All rule breakers in the UEWF and WEWF, BEWARE "FAIR PLAY" will watch for you..." <End Tape> Magilla: Wonder of Wonders, I've just received another tape from my production staff relating to this man! <Roll Tape> Inside the "Fitness Centre" the new "lean and clean" Freddie Fitness does bench presses while his hooded mentor spots for him. FF: I can't lift this, it's too heavy master! HM: You must lift this! Feel the good in you, feel the courage and the power! Channel this power, and the bar will rise... (Suddenly the bar jerks up, with a loud scream, Fitness places the bar back on the floor, and sits up on the stool) FF: Master, you were right! I have never felt this powerful! (the hooded mentor turns to the camera) HM: Behold, Rule breakers, he becomes stronger! He learns, and as he learns he becomes more pure... Hate, your name says it all, but YOU SHALL FALL at GRAPPLEMANIA to the new Fair Play Fitness! Rage, I will be watching for you also... <End Tape> Wince: These guys look seriousness! Magilla: There is a lot of cleaning up to do in the WeWF, and these guys might just be the ones to do it! Wince: Now let's take a look at some very mysterious figures in e-wrestling... <Roll Tape> <<Two dark figures wearing robes. Both sitting on horses, One is carrying a scythe....>> Death: Hey, War, some little upstart tag team in the UeWF is using our name. War: Yeah, It's not good, what are we gonna do about? Death: Break some butt! Both: Feel the POWER of the APOCALYPSE! <<Fade to Black.>> <End Tape> (Cut to the executive offices of the UeWF. Fender Marshall is outside of Harvey Wallbanger's offices arguing with a receptionist.) Fender : I don't need an appointment, do you know who I am? Receptionist : No sir, I don't. Mr. Wallbanger is very busy signing matches for Grapplemania. Fender : Hey! I'm Fender Marshall, manager of the Headbangers, the best team in this <*bleep*>in' league! Wallbanger wants a match? Well I got one! (Fender pulls out some blue prints) You don't know how much trouble I had to go through to get the rights for this match? I had to deal with Randall Johnson, president of the PWA, a goddamn RPG wrestling league! It didn't come cheap either, Doomsdome is one of their biggest matches. Receptionist : If you leave a message, he can see you by Tuesday. Fender : Tuesday!!! I got a message for him! Tell him if we don't get this match we're going to put the whole <*bleep*>in' league out of action permanently! Harvey(over loudspeaker) : Ms. Clark, is that Fender Marshall out there? Receptionist : Yes Mr. Wallbanger. He's here about something called Doomsdome. Harvey : Send him right in, please. Fender : It's about time! What do you have to do, bribe somebody to get an appointment! (end of tape) Magilla: We've got an interview tape from some mighty strange interviews with a strange challenge... <Roll Tape> Maurice "Mad Cat" Cochon is standing holding both UFWS tag team belts in front of a sign which states "IN THE UFWS WE WRESTLE.." "HOOSIERS, I hear you think you're kind of tough stuff here in the WEWF, well, we're kind of like Wrestlers without a league, and we need some action. WE CHALLENGE YOU, to a tag-team match, no TITLES, just a good clean match. We beat you up a lot in the UFWS, and now we're gonna show your fans in the WEWF, just what you are made of!" <End Tape> Magilla: Let's take a look at the WeWF US title match, between "Gentelman" Jim Gellete, the self proclaimed GQ wrestler of the year, and the undefeated champion, Black Tiger! <Roll tape> Rusty: "Headlock by Black Tiger. Jim Gilette lifts him up for an atomic drop, but Black Tiger clamps the headlock on tighter, and Gilette sets him back down." Vague: "Gilette reverses the move into a hammerlock!" Rusty: "Black Tiger reverses the hammerlock, but Gilette counters by twisting free and Irish whipping Black Tiger off the ropes... hip toss!" Vague: "Black Tiger gets back up, and the Gentleman snap mares him and puts a chinlock on him." Rusty: "Jim Gilette is squeezing away with that chinlock... but Black Tiger grabs the ropes." Vague: "Gilette lets go and Black Tiger forearms him, then Tiger bounces off the ropes and nails Gilette with a flying clothesline." Rusty: "Black Tiger elbow drops Jim Gilette and tries for a pin... no, kickout by the Gentleman!" Vague: "Jim Gilette chops Black Tiger, then tries a forearm, but Black Tiger ducks and puts Gilette in a backslide! One, two, three!" Rusty: "Pin by Black Tiger, and he retains the US Title and his perfect record." <End Tape> Wince: Next let's go the WeWF world tag team match featuring the LAW fighting the ex-champion Hoosiers. Magilla: We go to this match, already in progress. <Roll Tape> Rusty: "Erik clotheslines Anderson and tags to Daemon! Snap kick by Daemon!" Vague: "Daemon suplexes Anderson, who then rolls to his corner and tags to Judge Dredd." Rusty: "Hey, Da Boss! What are you doing here?" Vague: "And what is in that briefcase?" Da Boss: "Take a look, boys." Rusty: "Holy cow! That must be at least a bazillion dollars!" Da Boss: "100, 200, 300, ya know, dis sure is a lotta money, eh Lord Vague." Vague: "It is! Dredd just put Daemon in a bearhug, but Daemon gets out with a punch to the head, then whips Dredd into Erik's knee. But back to the money." Da Boss: "... 600, 700, don'tcha think da Hoosiers would like to get some of it? 800, 900, and all dey gotta do is just rough da Law up a liddle more den usual... $1000." Rusty: "Dredd punches Erik and tries to tag to Anderson, but Dredd gets tripped by The General! Erik drops an elbow on Dredd!" Vague: "The Hoosiers may have heard what Da Boss was saying, they seem to be more vicious than usual." Rusty: "The ref reprimands The General, meanwhile The Hoosiers double team Dredd." Vague: "Daemon in the ring now, pounding Dredd. Whip to the buckles, and Daemon charges in, but Dredd moves out of the way! He presses Daemon over his head and slams him, then tags to Anderson, who fistdrops Daemon! One, two, three!" Da Boss: "Gah! I'm outta here!" Rusty: "The Law are victorious!" <End Tape> Magilla: The Law and the Hoosiers have had a fued going on for many months. Wince: I thought that it was over when the Hoosiers and the General won the Iron Cage series over the Law and the Grim Reaper! Magilla: This footage shows that their rivalry is definately far from over, especially considering the money that Da Boss is adding to the Pot! Wince: Let's look at the Hoosiers manager, the General, a perenial #1 contender, as he goes up against WeWF champion the Sandman! <Roll Tape> Vague: "Double axehandle by The Sandman! He whips The General off the ropes and back body drops him! The Sandman tries a splash... but the General rolls away!" Rusty: "The General nails The Sandman with a knee lift, then side suplexes him!" Vague: "The Sandman kicks out of a pin attempt and chokes The General, then body slams him." Rusty: "The Hoosiers and The Inquistion are at ringside, and they are both look anxious." Vague: "The Sandman whips The General off the ropes, no The General reverses it and then legtrips The Sandman!" Rusty: "The General puts a camel clutch on The Sandman, but The Sandman powers out." Vague: "The Sandman belly-to-back suplexes The General, then goes to the top rope and drops a fist on him! The General rolls out of the ring, but The Inquisition roll him back in." Rusty: "The Sandman isn't letting up, he continues to batter The General." Vague: "The General rakes The Sandman's face, then gives him a neckbreaker!" Rusty: "The General bounces off the ropes and drops an elbow! And another! And another! The General tries for a pin, but The Sandman kicks out." Vague: "The General bounces off the ropes but Matthew trips him!" Rusty: "The Sandman kicks The General, then gives him a backbreaker." Vague: "Sandman tries for a pin, but The General kicks out." Rusty: "The Sandman whips The General to the ropes, but The General holds on. Sandman runs and clotheslines The General, and they both fall out of the ring to the floor!" Vague: "The Inquisition and The Hoosiers get in there, and they're all mixing it up! There's the bell, but the brawl isn't stopping!" Rusty: "The General grabs the ring bell and hits Torquemada with it! Torquemada goes down, and he's got a big gash in his head!" Vague: "The General hits him again! A bunch of referees grab the bell away, and break up the fight. He would have hit Matthew with it if he had had a chance." Rusty: "The referee's decision: a double disqualification!" <End Tape> Magilla: The General was very steamed at having not regained the title. Wince: Indeed, let's hear some of his post-match comments... <Roll Tape> General: "Matthew, I've had enough of your lowlife maggots trying to pretend that they can compete with the true masters of wrestling! I'm also sick and tired of you're pretending that you're a real manager! I challenge you to pick your 3 best men to take on myself and the Hoosiers in a 6-man battle of the gladiators! The special stipulation on this match that I want is that victory can come only via a 5-count pin, or one wrestler being unable to stand for a 20 count! It's time for you to put up or shut up, so put your money where your mouth is... Whatcha gonna do, Matthew the Meek, when Hoosier Hysteria and the 3-D-T run wild over you?!?!?!?!?!" <End Tape> Magilla: That is a hefty challenge! It seems that the General and his men are embroiled in more feuds than they can handle. Wince: We'll see this one come to a head if Matthew can find 3 men to go up against the Hoosiers. Magilla: And you know as well as I, All: NEVER BET AGAINST THE GENERAL! Magilla: The IWF recently held their first Supercard, the Iron Evening! Wince: And what an appropriate name! Magilla: Let's first go to a match between our TWIW hangman, and another Hangman! Wince: But which is which? Magilla: We will see... Let's roll the tape! <Roll tape> [The Hangman is stalking around the ring, the Hung Jury cheering and throwing little nooses around. The Hangman is ignoring it all. Suddenly he turns... coming down the aisle is another Hangman! The second Hangman is a bit smaller than the first, but swaggers none the less.] Barry: It seems we will have a match! We'll call the one waiting in the ring Hangman #1 and the other Hangman #2. Stig O'Hara: I'm here at ringside, the Hangmen are getting ready, there's the bell! Hangman #2 goes onto the ropes as Hangman #1 charges! Hangman #2 drop kicks, Hangman #1 staggers... Dirk McQuickly: Hangman #1 closes in, and meets a vicous axe handle from Hangman #1, Hangman #1 closes in and starts an Atomic Drop...Hangman #2 raises his hand, I see a spark, and Hangman #1 crushes his hand! Hangman #2 screams! Stig: That's one way to stop a Fireball! Hangman #1 tosses Hangman #2 into the ropes, and gives him a headbutt as he comes off. Hangman #2 drops... Dirk: He goes for an inside cradle, but Hangman #2 gets out and climbs the ropes. Hangman #1 hits him with an axe handle, and he falls off.. Stig: As he falls he tosses something...fireball! Hangman #1 has still got a hand on him, though! He smashes his head into Hangman #2's chin, he grabs him and atomic drops! Dirk: Hangman #2 seems stunned....Hangman #1 picks him and carries him to the edge of the ring. He flips him over, and hangs him in the ropes! Hangman #2 is not moving much. Hangman #1 grabs #2's hood and pulls! Stig: I knew it! It's Goliath! Goliath is the one responsible for the beating of Bland! Not the Hangman. The Hangman raises the hood in victory and tosses it to the Hung Jury. He puts a foot in Goliath's back and pushes. Goliath topples off the ring, and the ref starts counting him out. The Hangman waves to the hung jury, and waits for Goliath to officially lose. He steps out of the ring, and lifts a package - he pulls the cover off, can we get a zoom on that? [The camera zooms in on a tombstone with the inscription: "The Imposter Tried and found Guilty by the Hangman Feb 21, 1992"] <End Tape> Magilla: This Iron Evening also featured a Royal Rumble! Wince: Many of the top stars of the the IWF are in this event. Magilla: Indeed, the winner of this receives a title shot against the the IWF North American Champion! <Roll Tape> Dirk: They are ready to start, so let's take a look at the draws, Cobra Lee and Uncle Nasty will start in the ring, and every minute a new wrestler will be sent in. Uncle Nasty charges Cobra, and Lee sidesteps and swings Nasty towards the ropes, Nasty goes over the edge and out of the ring! Stig: That's a break for Lee, who get's a moment to rest before the next wrestler enters. Nasty is shouting at the ref, but there's no way to deny that he hit the ground. Dirk: What a cheap shot! Oh, well, here's the next entrant - Goliath, he looks mad about that shot and is going to take it out on Cobra. Stig: Maybe, Goliath comes in low for a headbutt, but Lee drop kicks him! Dirk: Goliath swings Lee into the ropes, Lee bounces out and swings Goliath back towards the ropes! Goliath puts a hold on Lee and drags him towards the edge of the ring. He's got him on the edge, as the next wrestler, Gomez, comes in. Stig: Gomez steps up to Goliath, and helps him push Cobra towards the edge. Cobra falls and is eliminated! Dirk: Goliath tries to grab Gomez, but Gomez turns and puts Goliath into a headlock. They are struggling on the edge. Crusher Crimas is starting down the aisle. GOliath is trying to atomic drop Gomez. But neither man is falling or can get the upper hand. Stig: Crimas jumps in, and he and Goliath begin hammering Gomez. Crimas clothes lines Gomez, but Gomez refuses to give up his hold on the rope. Dirk: Gomez is looking weak, and Goliath is looking a bit tired, as well. Gomez slaps a small package on Goliath, but he let go of the rope! Crimas tosses him out of the ring, but GOliath looked hurt. Stig: The Hunk approaches the ring, he starts to climb up, and Zeus steps out of the crowd and hits him with a lightning bolt! Hunk grabs Zeus and suplexes him into the announcer's table. Hunk is in the ring now, and charges Goliath, GOliath fireballs him, and Crimas trips the Hunkster up as he steps back. Dirk: Hunk roars as the crowd starts chanting "Hunk, Hunk" and he grabs Goliath and tosses him bodily out of the ring! Stig: That leaves only the Hunk and Crusher Crimas in the ring. Crimas goes for a crucifix, but Hunk trips him. Crimas fireballs Hunk, and Hunk smacks him in the face in return. Dirk: The next in is Manly Man, Brad Studd. He climbs in, but seems to avoid getting involves. He poses for the crowd on the far side of the ring. Stig: Hunk and Crimas are still mixing it up... Dirk: The next wrestler comes in, Fester. He jumps at Manly Man. Manly Man bounces him hard into the ropes! He closes in, and Fester drops to one knee throwing him over the ropes.! Stig: Manly Man catches hold of the ropes, but Fester starts shaking them violently. Hunk makes a move towards Fester, but Crimas holds him back. Fester grabs Manly Man in a headlock, swings him up over, the ropes, back into the ring. Then up, and back out! Manly Man falls, he's out! Dirk: Fester turns back. He smiles and runs at Hunk, headbutts and Crimas catches Hunk on the rebound for an arm drag. The double teaming is really starting to show on the Hunkster. Stig: Fester pulls a trowel out of his robe, and the Hunk body blocks him, the trowel goes sailing. Crimas tried to get a hand on him, but, too late. Dirk: Fester punches Hunk hard, Hunk staggers over towards the side, and the next entrant starts down the aisle - Lurch! Bad break for Crimas and the Hunkster! Stig: Nope, only a bad break for Crimas, Fester just threw Hunk over the buckle, and Hunk is elimnated. Hunk grabbed onto the rope, but Crimas pried his hand loose. Dirk: The Addams line up on Crimas, who is looking a little desperate now! Stig: As well he should, he's facing the premier tag team in the IWF, all by himself. Crimas is dancing around, trying to avoid fighting them at the same time. Dirk: He's doing pretty well, he seems to be tiring, but the Addams can't get a good grip on him. Stig: He atomic drops Lurch, but Fester was charging him and trips! Fester teeters on the edge and falls off! Fester takes himself out of the match. Dirk: Ace Harte enters the ring, he joins Crimas in closing in on Lurch. Now Lurch is trying to avoid being pinned in a corner. It looks like Harte has cornered Lurch! Stig: Crusher blindsides Harte with a powerfull body slam! Harte hits the buckle and flips over! He's out. Dirk: Just as the Hangman vaults onto the apron. The Hangman charges Lurch, and the two exchange head butts! Stig: Crimas swings at Lurch but misses as Lurch runs at the Hangman. Dirk: The Hangman and Crimas are double teaming Lurch now, Lurch is really taking a beating. No one can seem to get an advantage, though. Stig: Lurch and the Hangman go down in a pile, PL Punisher is ringside, he grabs the rope to climb in. Crimas grabs Lurch, and Luch pushes him off, he reaches for the rops to steady himself. And misses, Punisher has the rope down as he climbs in - Crimas overbalances and falls. Punisher looks around confused. Crimas is eliminated. Dirk: But a nice showing, he outlasted four competitors. Punisher is still looking dismayed. Hangmans and Lurch are still flailing on the mat. Stig: PL Punisher steps to the side and watches. Dirk: Hangman and Lurch still at it, and Crazy Jay starts down the aisle, he barks and charges! Stig: The Hangman kicks Lurch off and rolls to his feet. Everyone takes a seperate corner for a moment, and looks around. The Hangman says something to Lurch, Lurch nods - they have come to some kind of agreement! Crazy Jay howls and runs at Punisher, Lurch and Hangman charge at Jay! Dirk: Jay clobbers Punisher with the trowel that Fester lost. The Hangman and Lurch get tied up reaching Jay, and Jay bounces away. Stig: Jay leaps onto the ropes, howls a long howl, and leaps off?!? Dirk: What can you say, he's crazy, but he is also out of the match! Stig: The Hangman and Lurch advance on Punisher, Lurch grabs him, and the Hangman executes a flying kick. Dirk: Punisher breaks loose and clotheslines Lurch, Lurch falls! The Hangman charges Punisher, and accidentally pushes Lurch off the apron! Stig: It's down to PL Punisher and the Hangman! Punisher challenges Hangman to a test of strength, the Hangman accepts and pulls him over into an arm drag. Dirk: The Punisher grabs up the trowel that Jay dropped, and clubs the Hangman with it. The Hangman staggers, his battle with Lurch tired him out. Stig: Punisher gives him a solid Heart Punch. The Hangman gives a weaker reply. Dirk: The Hangman is still slugging, he punches again, what stamina! Stig: Punisher again challenges him to a test of strength, the Hangman is starting to submit! Punisher flips him to the ropes and shoves! The Hangman is eliminated! PL Punisher wins the Royal Rumble, and gets a shot at the North American Title next week! <End Tape> Magilla: On other IWF action, the Brothers Brawn won the Iron Team tournament get the chance to face the Chicago Torpedoes for the Tag Team belt. Wince: Meanwhile, Tommy Gunn beat many top contenders to gain the honor of facing Lurch for the World Belt! Magilla: Once again the UeWF has had numerous title changes. Wince: Admiral Ax was able to retain his Intercontinental Title belt against the challenge of Rage, but Pain succeeded in dethroning new Atlantic Champion Biff "The Terror" Jone! Magilla: Lord Pluder beat Pacific Champion T'ien "The Master" Lung by hitting him with an internation object! Wince: You know that won't go unanswered! Magilla: The Armed forces barely held onto their title, losing to the Dangerous Emotions by DQ. It looked like Rage had Sargeant Smash pinned when Admiral Ax went balistic with the ringbell! Wince: Carnage succeeded in defending their tag belts against the Ruffians. Magilla: Sarah Jackson kept her Women's belt, when Rhonda Rhodes interfered saving Ms. Jackson from a pinfall at the hands of Laurie Liberty! Wince: Let's now go to a tape of the world title bout, having UeWF champion Mr. B defending against the #1 Contender, the Ultimate Lanny! Magilla: It should be noted that both of these men are former TWIW television champions! <Roll Tape> Coward: Lanny whips Mr.B off the ropes, into a tremendous powerslam! Lanny covers....One! Two! B kicks out!!! DeMandable: Pheew that one was close, I thought The Ultimate Loser had him there for a minute. Coward: Mr.B's back on his feet and the Swarm is starting to come alive...Lanny and the rest of the Trekkies used to be big Mr.B fans you know. DeMandable: So? The Trekkies have always had bad taste, what's your point? Coward: Never mind. Mr.B seems to be getting back some of his energy from the cheers of the crowd and he's taking it to Lanny! DeMandable: He whips the Loser Horowitz into the turnbuckle and lands a Stinger Splash! I guess he did learn something from his match with the Hangman, he wasn't wasting any time on that move! Coward: And now he's going to the second rope...ELBOW DROP BY THE B!!! DeMandable: One! Two! NO!! Horowitz kicks out! Those steroids Chekov gave him seem to have worked! Coward: Oh, give..me..a..break. The two men lock up and Lanny has Mr.B in a bearhug, I don't think that's gonna do it...but THAT might, Belly-to- Back suplex by Lanny and Mr.B slides across the mat. DeMandable: Lanny quickly back to his feet and he pulls Mr.B up. Whip into the turnbuckle and a clothesline by the Ultimate Loser. Coward: I think Mr.B's head may come off if he gets hit with one more clothesline like that! DeMandable: Lanny's setting Mr.B up in the corner....SUPERPLEX to the middle of the ring, and the cover......I can't watch. Coward: ONE! TWO!!.........THREEEEE!!!!!! We've got a new World Champion!!!!! <End Tape> Magilla: And we have yet another title change in the UeWF! Wince: This will all add to the excitement at the upcoming UeWF Grapplemania on March 1st! Magilla: Now we go to our TWIW title bout! Wince: It seems like Mark Demandable is coming back, so I'll see you later Magilla. DeMandable: And stay out Wince, you snot-nosed punk! Magilla: Both men enter the ring to cheers, and this looks to be a very fair and honest fight. DeMdandable: This makes me sick! Magilla: Merlin exits the ring, and Lancelot and the Hangman lock up. DeMandable: Lancelot lifts the bigger man! Magilla: A running reverse atomic knee drop sends the Hangman into the corner! DeMandable: But the Hangman is still on his feet! Magilla: Irish whip by Lancelot, hurling the larger man into the opposite corner. He follows him in with a big knee! DeMandable: Wow! Someone actually connected with a move after running towards the turnbuckle! Magilla: The Hangman is dazed but still on his feet! Lancelot throws him into the ropes, and follows him with a big clothesline! DeMandable: He still can't knock the big guy down! Either the Hangman can absorb a lot of punishment, or Lancelot is the biggest wuss on this planet! Magilla: Lancelot grabs the Hangman, and once again throws him into the ropes! DeMandable: Lancelot bounces himself off the ropes, and hits the Hangman with a flying forearm! Magilla: That's an impressive move, especially for a strongman like Lancelot! DeMandable: Maybe, but he does it worse that Chico Santana! He couldn't knock the Hangman down with it! Magilla: Lancelot stares at the Hangman! He can't beleive the mass of punishment that the masked man has absorbed! DeMandable: Lancelot looks at Merlin. Like that dried up old man has any answers! Magilla: Lancelot goes to pick up the Hangman, a sure way to get him off his feet! DeMandable: The Hangman blocks it! He clubs away at Lancelot with his massive forearms! Magilla: That's the first offense out of him that we've seen all night! DeMandable: Lancelot is trying to fight back, but he's no match for the larger man in a toe to toe peer-six brawl! Magilla: Hangman grabs Lancelot by the hair and throws him over the top rope! DeMandable: That's grounds for a disqualification! Magilla: It is not! DeMandable: Oh, of course not, if it's a face who does it! Magilla: You forget, TWIW doesn't run one of those wimpy federations where over the rop rope is a DQ. DeMandable: Well, um, isn't there a match you should be commenting on Magilla? Magilla: The Hangman climbs outside the ring and throws Lancelot into the third row! DeMandable: Look at the Hung Jury! They're kicking and spitting on Lacelot, a fan favorite! Magilla: Lancelot has some friends too, who help him back up. DeMandable: Rake of the eyes by Lancelot! Some hero he is! Magilla: He gets back into the ring at the 7 count, and the Hangman follow him in by 9. DeMandable: Kick towards the midsection by the Hangman! Magilla: But Lancelot catches the foot, and spins him around! DeMandable: Belly to Back suplex by Lancelot! He finnally got the big man off his feet! Quick elbow by Lancelot! Magilla: But nobody's home! DeMandable: The Hangman starts punching and kicking, flailing away at his downed opponent. Magilla: A poke in the eyes by Lancelot gets the big man off of him! DeMandable: Another cheap shot by the face, I can't believe it! Magilla: Lancelot throws the Hangman into the ropes. He looks for a back body drop! DeMandable: He telegraphed the move all the way to Alaska, and the Hangman drops a big elbow to the back of Lancelots head. Magilla: Hangman bounces off the ropes and hits Lancelot with a big Leg Drop! The swarm goes wild! DeMandable: This aint the WWF, the leg drop isn't a guaranteed pin! Magilla: The Hangman is going for his noose! DeMandable: Where is it? Magilla: Merlin's got it! DeMandable: Hangman runs out of the ring after him! He's gonna crunch that old grampa! Magilla: Merlin is moving quick for an old man, and Hangman chases him twice around the ring before Merlin hops into the ring. DeMandable: That's blatant interference. Lancelot should be disqualified! Magilla: Lancelot is up though, and grabs the Hangman before Merlin can get hurt! He places the big man in a front headlock. DeMandable: Slingshot suplex! I can't believe he hit the 320 pound monster with it! He goes for the cover! Magilla: One! DeMandable: Two! Magilla: Thr... No, the Hangman gets his foot on the ropes. I thought he was done for sure! DeMandable: Lancelot picks up the Hangman, and tosses him into the ropes! He shoulda finished him when he had the shot! Magilla: Running clothesline, and both men topple over the top rope! DeMandable: Lancelot gets up first, and grabs the ringbell! Magilla: Wham, right between the eyes! Hangman is dazed! DeMandable: It's not like there's much up there to hurt! Magilla: Lancelot Irish whips Hangman to the ringpost... DeMandable: No, the Hangman reverses it, and Lancelot flies into the ringpost. Lancelot is hurt, barely standing! Magilla: I don't know where the Hangman keeps getting these late surges of energy! DeMandable: I don't care where, all I know is he'd better get back into the ring, the ref's count is at 7! Magilla: The Hangman goes for a clothesline, but Merlin pulls Lancelot away! DeMandable: The Hangman hit the post head on! He's out cold! Magilla: Merlin rolls Lancelot in at the 9 count! DeMandable: The ref counts the Hangman out! Magilla: Lancelot is barely aware of what's happening as the ref raises his hand. DeMandable: The laughs on him though, as the belt only changes hands on a pinfall or submission. Magilla: Either way, this Lancelot still has a very bright future in e-wrestling! DeMandable: Maybe, but he certainly didn't see a title belt. I'm outta here, I've got a date with a real lady! Magilla: Speaking of ladies, let's go to our own Misty Radisson for this weeks rankings... Misty: Well, ya know, there have been many, um changes this week. Also, like, the WeWF has decided to start peoples REPs at 0 next week, so their rankings don't mean as much. IWF Rankings: World Champion Lurch 6-1 North American Champion Gomez 6-1 1. Hangman 10-7-1 2. RubberButt 4-3 3. Hunk 6-6 4. Ace Harte 4-1 5. Tommy Gunn 4-0 6. Uncle Nasty 4-4-1 7. Whiplash 6-7-1 8. Goliath 6-9-1 9. Black Widow 5-8-1 10. Lightning Bolt 5-9-1 Tag Team Tag Team Champions Chicago Torpedoes 5-4 1. Brothers Brawn 3-0 2. Addams Foundation 10-4 3. Revenge of the Nerds 5-6 4. Can-Tex Connection 2-2 5. Nasty Boyz 2-3 WeWF Wrestler Rankings World Champion: The Sandman (14-5-1) 117 US Champion: Black Tiger (9-0) 74 Tag Team Champions: The Law (16-2) 116 Individuals 1. The General (14-8-1) 117 2. Mr. Roddy (13-6) 84 3. The Chameleon (7-6) 41 4. The Big Kahuna (10-8-1) 38 5. Metal (8-7-2) 34 6. Lancelot (6-4) 31 7. "Irish" Mike Flint (4-0) 30 8. "Gentleman" Jim Gilette (6-8-1) 28 9. "Gentleman" Jim Nice (3-3-1) 23 10. Zangief the Terrible (2-0-1) 19 Tag Teams 1. The Hoosiers (13-9) 130 2. RnR (14-8) 74 3. The Klingons (12-13-1) 30 4. Da Boyz (7-8-1) 29 5. The Inquisition (5-3) 24 UeWF rankings: World Champion: The Ultimate Lanny (15-3-1) 89 I-C Champion: Admiral Ax (14-1-0) 110 Atlantic Champion: Pain (10-4-1) 65 Pacific Champion: Lord Plunder (12-4-0) 56 1. Mr.B (12-4-1) 64 2. Rage (8-2-0) 63 3. T'ien "The Master" Lung (14-2-1) 58 4. Mosh (8-2-0) 38 5. Biff "The Terror" Jones (7-2-0) 32 6. Powerhouse Pruitt (5-1-0) 27 7. Jake "Canadian" Shield (6-3-1) 22 8. The Shropshire Slasher (6-2-1) 22 9. Aries Prime (10-14-0) 21 10. "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome (8-9-0) 19 World Tag Team Champions: Dangerous Emotions (13-4-0) 38 I-C Tag Team Champions: Carnage (12-2-0) 41 1. Armed Forces (13-3-0) 32 2. Judgement Day (8-2-0) 24 3. Annihilation Alliance (7-6-0) 12 4. The Ruffians (5-2-1) 8 5. The Uncertainty Principle (7-6-1) 5 Ladies World Champion: Sarah Jackson (5-4-0) 33 1. Laurie Liberty (7-1-0) 42 2. Angel of Death (12-2-0) 41 3. Blaze O'Glory (8-4-0) 28 4. Lizzie "The Axe" Borden (3-2-0) 13 5. Enchanting Evelyn Idol (2-1-0) 9 6. Binkie Horowitz (3-5-1) 3 7. Banshee (1-0-0) 1 8. Green Jean Oktoberfest (0-2-1) 0 9. Muffy (0-1-0) -1 10. Rakshasa (1-2-0) -2 Ladies Tag Team Champions: The Valkyries (5-2-0) 16 1. HellKats (10-1-0) 20 2. The Living Legends (7-3-0) 8 3. The Cheerleaders (6-4-0) 2 4. The She-Devils (3-4-0) 1 5. The Blonde Bombshells (6-10-1) -7 Magilla: We have a late-breaking story before we close off... (Cut to ringside at a UeWF Card. Two jobbers are standing in the ring and the announcer has just finished their introduction. Vince McMayonasse and Mark DeMandable are doing play-by-play.) Vince : No, I don't want to know the 49th reason why the Four Corners are superior to all the other wrestlers. Demandable : Oh, you're no fun. Anyway, now we are going to see a team that I have the utmost respect for, the Headbangers. Coward : And introducing their opponents....Accompanied by their manager Fender Marshall...at a combined weight of 455 pounds....From Noise Boise Productions in Hollywood California....Mosh and Thrash...The Headbangers! ["Anarchy In the U.K." by Megadeth roars over the crowd. The fans start booing anticipating the arrival of the Headbangers.] Vince : The crowd expressing their thoughts about Mosh and Thr...wait a minute, Fender and Mosh are the only two coming down the aisle. What's going on? Demandable : I don't know, but they don't look happy. The Headbangers love to make fun of those beer bellied goobers, but Mosh is the only one here and he's going straight into the ring. He's taking the mike. Mosh : Hey shut up! I've got something important to say. Last Friday, Thrash and myself were in Buffalo, New York. We had the night off, so Thrash decided to checkout the band Scatterbrain in local club. I spent the night in the hotel practicing my guitar. At 2 am, I got a phone call from the hospital telling me that Thrash's limo was hit by a drunk driver. He's ok, but the doctors won't give him clearance to wrestle at Grapplemania. He'll be back though. So now "Fabulous" Eddie Awesome will substitute for Thrash at Doomsdome. I want everyone to know that drunk driving can be hazardous to you and everyone around you, so don't do it. [Mosh turns over his guitar to show that it has an anti-DWI sign painted on the back. The fans are shocked by his honesty and give him a round of applause.] And if you think that this has changed the way I act....think again. Vince : Whoa! Mosh just cracked that guitar over the head of one of those jobbers! Why isn't the ref disqualifying them! Demandable : Because Fender has him tied up! Drop Kick by Mosh and the other jobber is thrown out of the ring! I love it! Vince : Mosh picks up the one in the ring. DDT! He's out. But Mosh isn't finished, he's going to the top rope. Demandable : Big elbow drop! And he covers him with one finger! What arrogance! One, Two, Three, he's done! God I love that! (Tape fades out as Coward announces Mosh the winner and the fans start booing Mosh and Fender again.) Magilla: Next week, we feature a TWIW TV title match between reigning champion Hangman, and a challenger to be named later from the UeWF! Wince: In addition we'll be having feature matches from the two upcoming SuperCards. Magilla: Hopefully next week we will have that spotlight on the ARmed Forces. Wince: In addition, we encourage all e-managers to send in their usual assortment of comments. Magilla: And until next week, this has been.... All: This Week in Wrestling ************************************************************************* editors note: And as promissed, here are the account names of the 3 commisioners: WeWF = arxt@midway.uchicago.edu UeWF = u93_mwhittak@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu IWF = nexus@ncar.ucar.edu Also, I'm considering starting a TWIW TV tag-team title belt... What do are everyone's thoughts on that? Up