TWIW From: Michael Rosen <mirrosen@silver.ucs.indiana.edu> Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1992 15:54:39 +0000 *********************************************************************** This Week in Wrestling This show is a joint production of UWeMail and the Lightfinger Sporting Network, and is property of the World Electronic Wrestling Federation, all rights reserved, (c) 1992. This show is brought to you by Budweiser, the King of Beers and Molson Export. Nothing halfway about it, Ex says it all! Magilla: Hi, this is Magilla Mongoose... Wince: ...I'm Wince McLady... Misty: ...and I'm Misty Radisson... All: Welcome to This Week in Wrestling! Magilla: We'll be comin' atcha each week, investigating the week that was, and pondering the week that will be in this crazy world of e-wrestling. Our roving reporter, Green Jean Oktoberfest, will bring us up to date on all the latest rumours. And our special guests will give their expert opinions on what could happen in the near future! Wince: Also this week is the TWIW title match featuring the champion, the Hangman of the IWF, in a rematch against UeWF challenger, and former champion, Mr. B! Magilla: Let's get started with Grean Jean Oktoberfest, and the Rumor Mill! *********************************The Rumor Mill******************************** **************************With Green Jean Oktoberfest************************** Several female wrestlers, including the Angel of Death, Rock 'n Roll Wild Child Diana Daniels, and Morganna, the Kissing Bandit, have offered to coach Missy Radisson for her upcoming Supercard match against me. All I have to say girls, is be prepared for a disappointment, because Misty will be going down. The Ultimate Lanny is extemely unhappy with his recent failure to obtain any of the UeWFs title shots, despite a 9-3-1 record and being ranked #2. The Headbangers have reportedly taken up the tuba instead of guitars, you can do more damage with a tuba. Freak/the Ultimate Loser of the WeWF has been offered a contract with McDonalds, to replace the Hamburglar. Look for an unknown WeWF "face" to do a heel-turn in the next few weeks. Apocalypse Now, of the WeWF, and Apocalypse, of the UeWF, may well come to blows over rights to the name. "Crazy" Jay Gilette may be moving to the UeWF under the management of Lord Plunder. Comments about "mad dogs and Englishmen" have been overheard. Look for some possible outside interference during some matches at the IWFs upcoming Supercard. The Addams Foundation currently holds two of the three IWF belts, the World and North American championships. They will be going after the third, the tag team belts, with a vengeance. Slim Heard is the General Machine Nobody sees the Legion of Food or the Obnoxious Pigs in action anymore because Oink Zeppgold ate them! ******************************************************************************* Wince: Slim Heard, the General Machine? Where'd she get that? Magilla: I don't know! Do they have the same physique? Wince: I don't know, I'm still holding out for Steve DiSalvo! Magilla: Now we go to our next regular feature, Spotlight with Misty Radisson... ****************************************************************************** Spotlight with Misty Radisson Misty : Hello everybody, this is Misty Radisson doing a special interview for TWIW. My guests this week are a team known as Judgement Day. <"You Could Be Mine" by Guns'N'Roses can be heard over the speakers of the arena as Judgement Day makes their way to Misty. The crowd is not sure what to make of them, they are clearly not heels, yet they don't seem to care about the fans either. There does seem to be quite of few hard-core wrestling fans who shout their approval for this team. Misty lets out a scream as she is surprised by the sudden flash from Aries Prime's skull staff.> Misty : Ladies and gentlemen this is Aries Prime and...(she pauses as she takes a long hard look at Prime's unusual partner)...the Dark Horse? Prime : Misty....when I was training in the Dark Side during the break after the Summit...I sent out a signal to find someone to watch my back when I returned to action....and the Dark Horse is what answered... DH : Together we are Judgement Day...One of the newest teams in the UeWF and so far we have been quite sucessful...We've faced top teams in the the UeWF and been victorious over a great team such as the Uncertainty Principle....however...we aren't going to stop there.... Prime : With Grapplemania coming up we are more than willing to face Carnage or the Dangerous Emotions or whoever is holding those belts when the card occurs...these two teams are great wrestlers....however it digusts us that they have to break the rules...when they face us....they'd better abide by the rules...or else they may have to be purged... DH : I've heard that some people don't like what we've had to say so far... well we only state the facts...if they have a problem with us...all you have to do is sign a contract...we will let our actions do the talking...ask yourselves this....what is going to save you from Judgement Day..... Misty : So, is it true that you two know that hunk Arnold Shwartznegger? Prime : No.... Misty : So, what do you think of my dress?....Whoops! (Misty realizes who or what she is talking to! Prime and the Dark Horse take a long stare at her) Together : ....devastating.... (They both leave as Misty stands alone with an uneasy look on her face) Misty : Well....uh....I don't know what else to say. Back to you Magilla. **************************************************************************** Magilla: Here we go to the Gentleman's club... DeMandable: Gentlemans my butt! These guys have about as much class as a football player on scholarship at Auburn! ******************* The Gentlemans Club ************************************ ***** with Gentleman Jim Gilette and Gentleman Jim Nice ******************** (the set is a nicely furnished private library, a cheery fireplace burns in one corner, while several comfortable chairs are distributed around. Sitting in one of them is "Gentleman" Jim Gilette.) GJG: Hi, and welcome to the show folks. My partner, Gentleman Jim Nice, wasn't able to be here this week, but hopefully he will be back next week. Our hope is to try and help you, the e-wrestling fan, to get better acquainted with some of our sports big name stars and up-and- coming youngsters. Our guest this first week will be UeWF stalwart, Johnny B. Cool. (Johnny B. enters from stage-left and takes a seat) JBC: Thanks Jim, and I just want to say what a real pleasure it is to help you kick off your new show. GJG: And thank you for helping, Johnny. So, for starters, what can you tell us about yourself. JBC: Well, I grew up in New Orleans and was always more interested in jazz then in anything else, but my family was poor and the only way I could go to college was on an athletic scholarship, so I took up wrestling and football. Playing linebacker for the Louisiana State Tigers turned out to be just a means to an end, but in wrestling I found an interest almost as strong as my love for jazz, so after I got my degree I decided to turn pro and joined the UeWF. My football background is also one of the reasons I dislike steroid-enhanced wrestlers like Mr. Touchdown. GJG: Why anyone would poison their body with steroids is beyond me, but aren't wrestling and jazz a bit of an unusual mix, Johnny? JBC: I don't really think so, Jim. The interplay of two wrestlers moves, tactics, and abilitys is much like the intermixing of brass, piano, and drum in the best jazz fusion works. GJG: Well, Johnny, you did very well in the Summit Royal Rumble this Dec., but so far you are 0-7 in your regular matches, any reasons you can give for this. JBC: As I said, I was originally a football player, so the presence of several people fighting in the ring was not a distraction to me, while it seemed to hurt a lot of other wrestlers concentration. I am still learning the ropes, here in professional e-wrestling, but I feel confident that, once I have paid my dues, you'll be seeing the name of Johnny B. Cool up near the tops of the rankings. GJG: I am sure of it, too, Johnny, so good luck with your career. (Jim and Johnny shake hands and Johnny B. exits stage-left.) GJG: So long, folks, when, hopefully, my partner Jim Nice will be back and we'll try to have an interview with one of the WeWFs long time greats, the Big Kahuna. ************************************************************************** Magilla: We're now being joined by Mark DeMandable... DeMandable: Sit down, and shut up! I'm back! Magilla: You're looking a little worse for wear after last weeks interview with Da Boss. DeMandable: If Da Boss had wanted a fair fight, I'd have cleaned his clock, but he had to fight unfair! If the 4 corners were still around, they'd have put him and his bums out of wrestling in a week! Magilla: But they're not! DeMandable: Shuttup Magilla! Remeber, the LAW is still around! Now lets address this dumbass top 5 issue! If we'd have more than 1 response a week, it would be worth doing! I think the humanoids out there are demonstrating the same kind of brilliance that got us a Vietnam draft dodger for Vice-President. The apathetic morons! Magilla: If you'll cut your tirade, we'll continue with the 1 guy who needs to get back to the Gym... 1) Oink Zeppgold, the only muscles this guy works out is his digestive tract! Don't be suprised if he eats McFubber or Shipp sometime soon! DeMandable: Next week, I'll pick the top 5 subject, and pick the winners! Magilla: We're ready to start our TWIW title match, a rematch of last week's title change between Mr. B and the Hangman. DeMandable: Ya know, I used to hate the Hangman, but after he straightened out the head of the IWF, I've found a place for him in my heart. Magilla: I'm sure that means a lot to him. The match starts with Mr. B and the Hangman locking up in a test of strength. DeMandable: Stupid move by Mr. B. Hell, with the whoopin' he got last week, he shouldn't even be in the ring. Magilla: Hangman pushes him into the corner... DeMandable: Clean break by both men, I can't believe this! Magilla: They go to lock up again, Mr. B ducks behind and attempts a belly to back suplex! DeMandable: Hangman's too big for that and backs Mr. B into the corner. Magilla: Another clean break by both men! DeMandable: I can't believe it! This is making me ill! Magilla: They lock up again, Mr. B throws hangman into the ropes... DeMandable: Hard shoulderblock by the Hangman! Magilla: Hangman wastes no time stomping Mr. B's head into the mat! DeMandable: That's more like wrestling the way the sport was meant to be done! Magilla: Hangman climbs to the top rope, he's looking to end this early. DeMandable: He's going for a flying elbow! Magilla: Nobody home! Mr. B rolls out of the way. DeMandable: Mr. B just saved his worthless career! Magilla: Armdrag by Mr. B! Hangman is up in a second, and B delivers another. DeMandable: These saps don't know a good move between them! Magilla: Mr. B goes to throw Hangman in the ropes... DeMandable: Hangman reverses it, and follows Mr. B with a flying clothesline! Magilla: Both men topple over the top ropes. Hangman gets up first and grabs a chair. DeMandable: You think we'll get to see B hung again? Magilla: B grabs a chair too, but not in time! DeMandable: Hangman knocks him into left field, is that what you're saying? Magilla: The fans are erupting! The swarm is screaming for Mr. B, and the hung jury for the Hangman! DeMandable: They're all a bunch of faceless mutants to me! Magilla: Hangman picks up Mr. B and powerslams him onto floor! DeMandable: What's the idiot doing? Magilla: The Hangman rolls Mr. B back into the ring, and they're both in at the 9 count! DeMandable: The Hangman should have taken the count out! Magilla: The Hangman goes for a suplex! DeMandable: Block by Mr. B! What's the Hangman thinking? He has no technique! Magilla: Suplex by Mr. B! The swarm is running wild! DeMandable: Cover by B. Not even a 2 count. Magilla: Mr. B picks up the Hangman and reverse atomic knee drops him! DeMandable: Just like him to attack below the belt! Magilla: Mr. B is gaining momentum, as he hiptosses the Hangman, and follows it with a quick elbow! DeMandable: Another cover. One! Two! Magilla: Kickout by the champion. It'll take a lot to keep the big man down! DeMandable: Mr. B throws the Hangman into the ropes, bad move! Magilla: B hits the sleeper! DeMandable: The Hangman sticks a finger in B's eye! I like it! Magilla: Mr. B backs away. The Hangman pursues! DeMandable: Quick small package by Mr. B! One, two, Magilla: Kickout! I thought that the former champion might've had him. DeMandable: Mr. B is gone, he doesn't know any more moves! Magilla: Well, Mr. B knows the front headlock, which he's placed the Hangman in! DeMandable: That ain't a move, that's a resthold! Magilla: Mr. B lifts the Hangman's and hits a DDT! DeMandable: This isn't WCW, the match is over! Magilla: Mr. B isn't finished yet! He's lifting the Hangman up! DeMandable: The idiot! He wants revenge for getting hung last week! He should just take the title! Magilla: Irish whip by Mr. B, Hangman hits hard into the turnbuckle! DeMandable: Mr. B is setting up a splash, but he's taking his time... Magilla: He must be winded from giving out all this punishment! DeMandable: Here he goes! Magilla: Flying clothesline by the Hangman! He caught Mr. B coming in! DeMandable: He knocked B's head off is what he did! He goes for the cover! Magilla: One! DeMandable: Two! Magilla: Three! Hangman defends his title. One has to ask where the Hangman found that reserve of strength! DeMandable: And will Mr. B ever by able to move his neck, he's still down! Magilla: The ringside physician is in the ring! DeMandable: First he stomps the IWF president, then he breaks Mr. B's neck! I could like this guy if he didn't try to cater to all the humanoids out there! Magilla: Mr. B gets up, he should be ok, but he certainly will remember this match for a long time to come. DeMandable: Who will challenge the Hangman next? I think the Grim Reaper could show him a thing or two about punishment! Magilla: Nope, it'll be Lancelot from the WeWF! DeMandable: Another face on face, how boring! Magilla: Gimme a break! DeMandable: I'd like to see some real action! Magilla: For some "real action", let's go look at a tape between IWF North American champion Abd al-Hazrd and challenger Gomez! <roll tape> Barry: Now, for the IWF North American Belt, at 6'2" and 200 pounds, the Challenger, from the strange house in every neighborhood, Gomez Addams! [Gomez walks to the ring, cigar in hand smiling at the finger-snapping groupies]. The defender, at 246 pounds, from Irem, Saudi Arabia, the IWF North American Champion, Abd al-Hazrd, the Arabian Knight! Stig: There's the bell. Gomez suplexes, al-Hazrd suplexes back. Gomez slaps an inside cradle. al-Hazrd breaks loose. Barry: al-Hazrd is moving a little slowly tonight it seems, Gomez is pressing him. al-Hazrd slaps him with Fester's shovel! Fester grabs it back and looks sheepish! That should give al-Hazrd some breathing room. Stig: So it seems, Gomez staggers, but recovers. Gomez is playing in tight, never giving the Arabian Knight a chance to do anything off the ropes, the kind of move he favors. Barry: Gomez suplexes and tries for a small package, he gets it! Gomez is the new IWF North American Champion! <end tape> Wince: The IWF has a new North American champion! Magilla: Next lets take a look at IWF tag action featuring the Chicago Torpedoes, and their arch-rivals, the Revenge of the Nerds! Wince: The winner will have to defend the title against the winner of the upcoming Iron Team tournament! <Roll tape> Nasty: Here's the bell. They mix it up, outrageous! Gunn is slapping Caltech with brass knuckles then choking him! Dirk: Sound tactics against the geek! Caltech punches hard and tags out. Nasty: Hmm, MIT comes in, Gunn challenges him to a test of strength, MIT accepts, and Da Boss kidney punches him! MIT staggers, Gunn clotheslines him and makes the tag. This is depraved, it ought to be illegal, wait, it _is_ illegal, why isn't anyone stoppping this? Dirk: I kind of like it, Haynes drop kicks MIT, runs back, launches a flying kick. MIT makes a weak grab at his throat. He dances back. Climbs on the ropes - moonsault! Haynes calls for the Rub-Out! Nasty: Gunn was waiting on the rope for that, he tags and drops! MIT spasms, that's it! The Chicago Torpedoes are the IWF Champions! <end tape> Magilla: A very quick match! Wince: The nerds just didn't have what it takes to deal with their brutal opponents. Magilla: In our 3rd bout from the IWF, lets go to a match featuring a great difference of styles. Wince: On the one hand you have the quick young upstart, Lightning Bolt. Magilla: And on the other, the slow, methodical Lurch. Wince: This will make a most interesting World title bout! <Roll tape> Barry: At 224 pounds, from Riverside California, USA, the challenger, Lightning Bolt [crowd pops], the defender, the IWF World Champion, at 7'2" and 425 pounds, from your worst nightmare, Lurch Addams [much of the crows snaps it's fingers] Stig: Bolt goes for a headlock, and Lurch clotheslines him! It's hard to close on Lurch, what with those 4 and a half foot arms. Barry: Especially for a loser like Lightning Bolt. Stig: Bolt is a fine wrestler, this should be a good one. Bolt tries for an atomic drop, but Lurch puts him in a full nelson at arms length. Barry: Nice trick, that...ow, Bolt does a full body kick while Lurch is holding him. Lurch staggers back and drops Bolt. Stig: Nice move by Lighting Bolt. He jumps up for, a suplex maybe? And Lurch clotheslines him, again. Bolt is trying to close up so Lurch can't use those long arms, but Lurch is keeping him at range. Barry: Lightning Bolt slips inside, Heart Punch. Lurch grabs and squeezes, Bolt kicks. Who will give out first? Stig: Lurch reverses direction, and flips Bolt out, Bolt loses his balance and Lurch clotheslines him! Barry: Lurch has him now! He steps in and puts on a full nelson. He drags Bolt to the mat. He lets go with one arm and hits Bolt with an ax handle. Bolt slips down to the mat. Lurch covers. 1,2, that's it, Lurch Addams, still world champion! <End tape> Magilla: Outstanding action! Wince: Let's now take a look at the lineup for the upcoming IWF SuperCard! Loser gets unmasked in a match between the Hangman vs. the Hangman. Royal Rumble featuring: Uncle Nasty,Goliath,Hunkster,Lurch,Gomez,Fester,Hangman,Cobra,Crazy Jay, PL Punisher, and Crusher Crimas. Winner to receive a shot at the North American Champ! Iron team tournament featuring: Revenge of the Nerds,Fester and Lurch,Can-Tex Connection, Nasty Boyz,Thilly Boyth, and Brawn Boys. Winner to receive a shot vs. the Chicago Torpedoes for the Tag-Team Belt. Iron Man competition: Whiplash,Hangman, Lightning Bolt,Deathstroke the Terminator, Oberst Von Stiel, and RubberButt will be feautred with the winner having a shot at the World Title! (There are still spots open in this!) Magilla: There's a lot of excitement in the IWF! Wince: It seems like all the federations have big upcoming supercards! <Flunky runs onto the set and hands Magilla a sheet of paper> Magilla: Indeed! We've just received word on some latebreaking news from the UeWF! Biff "the Terror" Jones eeked a pin out over Mosh to become the new Atlantic Champion Mr. B handed Admiral Ax the first loss of his career to retain the UeWF World Championship. Admiral Ax beat Lord Plunder to remain Inter-Continental champ. T'ien Master easily beat the Shropshire Slasher to hold the Pacific Belt. The Dangerous Emotions lost by DQ to the Armed Forces, but kept the world tag belts anyways. Carnage held off the Anhillation Alliance to hold the inter-continental tag team belts. The Valkyries defeated the Hellkats to become the new UeWF ladies tag team champions. Wince: I'm told that we have a clip from the ladies title match... <cut to> DeMandable: Ya know, Coward, I think Laurie may still be a little at a loss over the presence of all these extra people here at ringside... Coward: Well I'd have to believe that the presence of the Forces of Doom at r ringside might just put ANYONE on edge just a little... DeMandable: I'll say this much for her, she looks good in that red, white, and blue bodysuit.... Coward: Oh please...OUCH! Sarah just heaved Laurie out over the top rope! And now she's arguing with the referee about something! DeMandable: And look at that! Rhonda Rhodes is getting in a few cheapshots on the outside! What a great tag team those two are! Coward: But this isn't a tag match! DeMandable: I guess maybe no one told the Blonde Bombshells that? Coward: Hardly. Laurie has been thrown back into the ring by Rhonda, and now Sarah lifts up for what looks like a....what is that DeMandable? DeMandable: It's an airplane spin and I think she's getting ready to drop the bomb....ouch! Coward: JAckson covers......ONE!....TWO.....THREEEE!!!! We've got a new champion <cut back> Magilla: Lots of excitement in the UeWF! 3 title changes in 1 week, including the first loss of the Hellkats in recent memory! Wince: Let's head to Misty Radisson for the rankings... Misty: We just have IWF rankings this week, as there has not been a WeWF card this week, and the UWF has not come out with new rankings as of press time... IWF Rankings: World Champion Lurch 6-1 North American Champion Gomez 6-1 1. Hangman 7-5-1 2. RubberButt 4-2 3. Hunk 6-6 4. Whiplash 6-6-1 5. Uncle NAsty 4-4-1 6. Goliath 6-8-1 7. Black Widow 4-7-1 8. Lightning Bolt 5-8-1 9. Cobra Lee 4-8-1 10. Brad Studd 2-1 Tag Team Tag Team Champions Chicago Torpedoes 5-3 1) Addams Foundation 10-3 2) Revenge of the Nerds 5-5 3) Truth and Justice 1-2 4) Can-Tex Connection 1-0 5) Punisher and Crusher 0-2 Magilla: Next week, we feature a TWIW title bout between The Hangman and Lancelot, a rising Superstar in the WeWF! Wince: In addition, we will have updates on the upcoming SuperCards! Magilla: Once again, please send in any and all interviews! Wince: Lastly, we'd like to see a Spotlight on the Armed Forces if possible next week. Magilla: And until next week, it's been... ALL: This Week In Wrestling Up